I say so.
Hey Cesara and I'm Jermaine
and welcome back to another episode of Clarities. Now, today's topic, I think that no matter what age you are at, be whether you're a primary school student, secondary school student, JC Pay or uni student, or if you have been in the workforce for some time, you can totally relate.
That is right. We've talked a lot about friendships in the past. We've talked about friendship breakups. You can go listen to those episodes, but today we're talking about low maintenance friendships. The friends that you don't text all the time, you don't see all the time. But are still your friends.
I think effortless is the key word here.
Effortless is good. We like that, no.
Actually I feel like our friendship is pretty low maintenance.
I think what we have on the couch here is low maintenance. Very true, very true. But what does a low maintenance friendship mean to you? So Hazy said effortless. I think it's even if you don't speak to each other as much or see each other as much, every time you do, it feels Like nothing has changed, like no time has passed. But at the same time, no one is pressuring you amidst your daily busy life to like put in more effort,
you know what I mean? That's why I think friendships are a lot easier to maintain than relationships, very different friendships are like, oh, you don't have to pander to the person all the time, like make sure they're OK. You know they're OK, but here's what low maintenance friendships are. It requires very little effort, right, little care to keep it in good condition. So it would be the one where you just don't have to do too much to maintain that friendship. Yeah,
I can accept this in friends but not in my relationship, of course, for good reason, right? I have a very good friend, we are besties since uni times, right? We don't go out very often, maybe like 3 to 4 times a year. That's OK.
That's OK. That's normal,
I feel like Too little, like we should be spending more time together.
We've had one lunch in like one year. That happened yesterday, by the way. I think as adults, we always feel, especially when you do see that friend, then you'll always say we should do this more often. We shouldn't wait until like I don't say that because I don't want to
say that as like a sort of formality. I
do
this
more often. I don't think we should do it more often, so I don't think we should say that. I just say like, OK, yeah, I see you next time or whenever that may be. But I have my gripes with low maintenance friendships. Yeah, but hey, you were talking about your friend. OK,
so we meet like maybe 3 or 4 times every year, but she's the sweetest, you know, like every New Year, Christmas and my birthday, she would send me a text, like a long paragraph of text on the dot. And like that's so sweet, isn't it? That's so
sweet. I don't even text some of my friends happy New Year.
It doesn't take much to craft the text, and her text comes with like, you know, you are a really amazing person. I wish you all the best in the coming year. It's like those heartfelt texts that she puts in time and effort to type.
Very sweet. Actually my best friend and I are a little bit like that where we talk a lot of nonsense, but we don't have to talk every day. I don't see her very much actually because I think we're both very busy. I actually don't know who. Z's best friend is just because she has so many friends. Yeah. In fact, she's supposed to be in labor as we speak, but she's not. Oh, I share with the baby. So two days ago was the EDD, um, and I know she would tell me first, but I didn't hear anything.
So yesterday I texted her and I was like, actually what is going on? Are you in labor? She was like, No, you don't want to come out, so I'm just sitting here. I think I have a similar, you know, kind of like relationship with some of my bestest friends. They don't live here, unfortunately. So yeah, Jermaine doesn't live here, you know, I have another friend Andrew who doesn't live here anymore
as well. So when we do get to meet, it's even more precious, precious the time, but it doesn't mean that, oh, every day we have to text in order to stay friends. Every week we have to call in order to stay friends. I know that no matter So what happens, right? hell or high water, they will be there whenever I need them, correct? Yeah. OK,
so here's the question. Is this still considered a low maintenance friendship if no effort is being put in on both parties end?
So this is the flip side of low maintenance friendships that you know, low maintenance can be good, can also be bad. I think that that is not a low maintenance friendship. I think that is a one-sided friendship. I used to think that You know I had a friend who was like a low maintenance friend. Like, you know, I wouldn't consider her one of my very close friends, but I just be like, OK, I see her, you know, 2 or 3 times a year. I would make an effort to take her out for
her birthday. I'd be like, oh, happy birthday, please let me take you out for a meal. And last year I noticed when my birthday rolled around, she didn't do the same. She didn't do the same and I know maybe it's my fault. I shouldn't be. it, but she didn't even like offer like, hey, you know, let's catch up for your birthday. So she did wish me, but it's like how much does it take to wish, you know, it's not about monetary or time or effort.
It's about the yeah, it's about, OK, then I kind of feel like I don't want to maintain that friendship anymore. Am I a bad person for thinking that?
No, not at all, because I am. Um, on the flip side for this one, so there is a friend, he's a guy, and every year we meet up two times, one time for his birthday, one time for my birthday. But, as time
passes
by, I realized that maybe this meet up with him doesn't really add value to my life anymore. Like I feel like I'm fine being just acquaintances with this person. So he still did ask me out for my birthday, like we're going out for a meal, but When his birthday came, I didn't do the same to him, and I asked myself, oh my God, I feel so guilty, but do I really have that time and that mental energy to spend on a meal with this person?
That's true.
So you might think it's just lunch, right? How long can it take 2 hours at best?
But no, I think time is very precious. It's
a mental capacity, you
see. No, it's true. I think maybe. It's an energy thing as well. If you're a bit reluctant to spend your energy there, maybe there's something. I also think that as you grow up, right, especially in your twenties, you tend to outgrow certain friends just because
everyone matures at a different rate. Sometimes people that you used to hang out with and really, really, really love hanging out with, like you don't anymore and it's OK to be honest with yourself about that and you can still Love them in the heart of hearts don't see them all the time or like, you know, yeah, so I enjoy low maintenance friendships, right, because let me give you
an example. When I was a little bit younger, I had a group of friends and it was a very high maintenance friendship, not with everybody, but you know how in a group of friends, there are a couple of you who will see each other more often, and whenever I was busy and couldn't make it, I would be made to feel bad about it. Oh, like guilt trip you a little.
No time for, but it felt that way. Like you're pressured to show up and because of that, I feel like I've really got no energy for like high maintenance friendships, you know, like I don't think anyone should be pressured to like, oh no, they're meeting up if I can't be there and I really can't be there, but then I'll feel like shit about it. Like they don't want to be friends with me anymore. That's crazy. And then you'll feel pressured into like, can I move things around? Can
I but on the other hand, What would your friends be thinking? Oh, we always make time for this gathering, but Azura is always busy,
but not all the time maybe like 1 in 3 times I really can't. Sometimes I think it's also about expectations, right? Like when you go into a friendship, I think when it comes to low maintenance friendships or high maintenance friendships, what really counts is if this friend can be there for you in your time of need, like if you really need help and you call right or you text like hey, I really need your help.
Are they going to be there for you? It's not about the, oh, you know, let's have lunch like during our lunchtime or whatever it is, or let's go see this event or go to the shops or whatever.
But I believe everybody thinks differently. Like, I think it's safe to say all of us here on this couch, we are for low maintenance relationships, friendships in this case. That's because the nature of our work is always so busy, we're constantly like packed with shoots, but I always think from my friend's point of view, right, let's say my friend, one of my friends, she works a 9 to 5. Would she crave for a different kind of friendship that I'm looking for? Like
would you wish that you had more time for her,
right? I think it also boils down to like a lifestyle kind of question. What's the lifestyle that you adopt? But don't you think it's just easier and easier to accept low maintenance friendships as you grow older? Yeah,
because you have less time, you have less energy to give to everyone. I mean, it's very different when you're in school because you're hanging out with each other all the time. So you're already in that friendship all the time, but as you grow up, you have responsibilities, some people have families, you know, it is easier to accept. It's very funny because I think at this age I realize more friends, you know, trying to sleep earlier, trying to do more. Within the day,
especially if you have a family, how do you not sleep earlier? You have to wake up so early to send your kids to school,
right? And I think people just have so many things that they are caught up with, right, that at this age, no one really comes to you and like, Hey, you don't see me every week, you know, no one's really going to say that to you. Well, there's someone here from Reddit who I think is more in the like high maintenance friendship camp. OK. girls think. This person says, I lost a lot of friendships as I think I'm kind of on the clingy side.
I understand that we may not always get to chat regularly because life gets busy, but sometimes I feel like it's a one way road and I get tired of reaching out. I always feel like I'm a bother and I'm pushing the other friend and the other party just thinks that I am a chore and they just want to get on with their own life. So this is very draining for me.
Maybe you just need to fall in love. You need to channel your emotions and your energy somewhere else. I mean, don't you agree?
Adopt a dog, do something. But if it's really the way this person is saying it right, then it sounds a little bit like there's nothing wrong with reaching out every once in a while. I mean this person never see how often or like it sounds like she's not asking for anything when she reaches out, you know, and I think if if that's the case, then it's a bit one-sided because she's saying that the other. person doesn't reach out, doesn't make the first move, like check in on her.
So is it to say that if you are the one reaching out, you must also be ready for the other party to reject you for that time, for example, if you're asking him or her out for lunch. I think
you
need
to communicate, right? You need to agree like, OK, what kind of friendship is this, but most people don't do that. It's quite awkward, right? To go to your friend and be like, what is this? What are we? What are we? Yeah, like you know how many times do you really want to meet a year like no one does that. No one does that. People just ghost. Like you just ghost if the friend is not that important, you just be like, stop talking to them.
OK, let me tell you what happened to me just last week, OK? So I have a group of friends, they are my JC friends. We are a click of 5, and we had arranged to meet on this day for like the longest time, and because of me, they pushed back the date, and because of me, we changed the venue to a shopping mall that was close to where my hosting gig was. So they really like make a lot of accommodations for me.
That they rolled around last minute, really, I don't know why it's so jinx at the very last minute, a work gig came in. And I told my boss, I said, Yo, sorry, I really can't take this up. I have a dinner appointment already. And then my boss was like, OK, what if you push it back to 10:30 after dinner, you come. OK, so this is when I'm like literally at the crossroads. I'm thinking, ah, there's money to earn. OK, it's a job opportunity after all, it's exposure, do I want?
Yes, I do, but do I want to spend time with my girlfriends? Yes, I do as well. But can I just quickly do the dinner and then go for the gig? What would they think if I had to leave dinner early? Right? So I actually spoke to one of my girls in the clique and I told her this situation and I asked her what should I do. She immediately said, go for a gig. I mean, we can see each other so often, we all stay around the same area. It's not hard for us to meet up.
Actually it's quite hard. We only meet that few times a year, but I knew she said that to make me feel better. So after she said that, I was like, OK, let me tell the rest of the girls in the group chat that. So I told them the situation the group chat, nobody replied to me. So I don't know whether they are like a rat, oh OK, Hazy got to go early. OK, no problem, sure. Then they put their phone down, that kind of like no reply, or do they feel like Why do you have to leave early again?
But did you see them? I did, I did.
The conversation went OK. Like everyone was happy,
but did you leave early or like everyone kind of left around the same time. So because I
had to leave early, right, then let's all go together. Then we all went home. Yeah, but this is a low maintenance friendship that I am honestly very thankful for. Rose Rivers. I would have told any other girl in that clique to do the same, like go for your work thing, you know, now is the age to. If not now, when?
That's true. I think most of my friends, like good friends would say that as well, but you feel so real. And of course, especially because you know you've rescheduled, you know how hard it is for everybody to find a date. You almost like don't want to inconvenience people. But sometimes it just happens. So this person on Reddit actually said I recently lost a close friend because I felt like they would only speak to me when it
was convenient for them. I felt like deep down I was the only one maintaining the friendship and I started distancing myself when I felt like they only fit me into their schedule like an obligation and not like they actually want to meet me. After I got the guts to speak up and told them my feelings about it, they started posting all this cryptic stuff about how only low maintenance friendships survive. Yeah, so that's what happened to this person. Then
I think they are not the friends that you would want in your life. We always go back to this phrase on Hash podcast for a season, for a reason, or for a lifetime. Maybe these friends just serve you for a season and they are in your life for a reason like now you have found out that reason. Maybe it's better for you to move on to find friends that will serve you for a lifetime.
They're not bad people. Yeah, they're not. You're just not aligned. Correct. I don't think it's anyone's fault because maybe they're just looking for something else and you're looking for something else. Because then again, even if you say low maintenance, I
think everybody has a different definition of low maintenance. Do you guys have this thing like friendship tiers, like in your own head, you have friendship tiers, you have like best friends, then you have close friends, then you have friends tier one, then you have friends tier two, then you have like acquaintances. I feel like people who plan their weddings like really have to put this down.
I was going to say this, like imagine you're holding a wedding banquet. Who would you invite list of people, they are your like top tier friends, which you two are, by the way. If I get married too much I should invite
you to. We are on the PR list. Yeah, exactly. So I kind of think like in your mind you kind of have that. You can't have everyone be your close friend. It's not possible. Yeah. On average, a person scientifically has about 3 to 5 close, close friends. Oh really? Yeah, so if you have like 50 close friends, there may be something that you need to kind of Yeah,
people that I would turn to when I really need them, not a lot, honestly. I have a lot of people I talk to on a day to day basis,
which is like the tier one and tier two.
Yeah, but they are not like the top tier kind of friends, which I'm sure I'm not for them as well, and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just everybody has different schedule
when you are someone's close friend, but they are not your close friends, and it's like very awkward, you know. I feel like the top of the triangle is people that you barely have any photos with. I mean, the closer you are, the lesser photos you have with each other. So true. I love this from PD Nick, and I feel like I want to do it too. OK. It's very interesting. She says that she and her friends are
all grown now, obviously. They met in school and they don't have the time to meet as often, but they try to celebrate like birthdays and stuff with each other. But they try to meet at least once a month, which is great. What they did is they have a telegram group chat and they have a bot. You guys know Telegram bots, right? It automatically sends questions every day for, you know, her and her friends to answer daily.
So it keeps the conversation. It's just like very random questions, you know, like what's your travel bucket list for this year, random questions, and she says they've been friends for 14 years and going strong. Maybe we should have that none of us would reply.
None of that. That's so true. But this is a friendship that's super rare and not everybody has the luck to chance upon such friendships, you know. OK, so do you guys think low maintenance friendships are easy to maintain or not? Honestly, the term low maintenance friendships is supposedly easy to maintain, but then you got to take care of your friend's emotional needs. Does she think you're ghosting her too much? Yada yada, this and that, that makes it more tiring sometimes.
Maybe it's just low maintenance does not mean no effort and that's what people need to understand, right? And maybe sometimes we forget. I think in certain phases of our life, especially when, you know, maybe you've got things going on, you're in a frazzle half the time, you don't have very much bandwidth to think about this kind of things or reach out to your friends. Do they understand? Um, can they, because it's like a relationship, right? If I can't bring the 50, can you cover for me?
I try to be very honest about that. Like if I'm not feeling good, I'm going through a very tough period. I'll just try to tell close friends and I'll just say I'm not doing well, I may not reach out and I'm not like ghosting or whatever. I'm fine. I just like cannot deal with life at the moment. So I just tell them that. But I think similarly it's very important for you to also reach out even if it's a low maintenance friendship, don't. I always think like, oh, that person will just text me.
Sometimes if you think of them or something reminds you of them in your day, just say, Hey, I was thinking about you today. That actually goes a very long way.
So if you are listening to this podcast and you have that one low maintenance friend, here are some signs for you to better understand him or her. OK, it's not that he or she is not putting in effort or not emotionally supporting you. Maybe he just needs his own space. What are some signs that maybe your low maintenance friend needs to support. If you see like he or she is not really posting as often anymore on social media, could it be that this person is in a dark
place or a lot of posts and she's doing just fine. I know on my heart that she's fine. In fact, the less she posts, the better she is. Oh, it's true, it's true. Maybe if your friends suddenly start postings like. Well, OK, so when it comes to low maintenance friendships, what are Best practices. Well, I think like we said, always make sure that you know you're trying to be in tune
with your friend. If you notice anything off, right, maybe try to reach out, especially if you really love this person, try to reach them. Yeah, I think we should also listen when they say something, you know, because you're already not in communication all the time. Yeah, so you know, it's not just about like hearing out the person, but you got to listen actively as well, so you are still on top of their lives, you know,
and I feel like every time you meet. you got to reassess your relationship and your friendship. What sort of like phase in life are they at right now, or what do they need and maybe sort of adjust your expectations a little bit.
Yeah, and always remember that you know the small little things that make them feel like, oh, you're thinking about me, those go a really long way, like maybe you're overseas and you see something that really reminds you of them and you just buy it back and you give it to them the next time you see them. It could be 6 months from now, but just that thought is just.
So sweet. I got something even simpler. This is my one tip out there for every low maintenance friendship.
I reels, sorry, no, no, no, I beg to differ. I received so many IG reels from this one girlfriend. Like I don't even have time to watch them all. It's not you. No, like she would just send and I just think she's just sending, I just don't even, I don't even reply.
No, I feel like if you see this view and it reminds you of a close friend, then you just, you don't have to type anything. You just send sparingly
it's OK. You're entitled one reel every 3 days. OK, that's it.
No,
but she sends me like 5 reels a day. 1 every 3 days is OK. 1 every 3 days I will watch 1 every 1 day. I might not watch them. There's a limit to how many reels you can send the stuff that she sends me and I send her is usually like getting drunk at 80 together, it's like once every 3 months, yeah, something like that. So please, please don't bombard your friends with reels.
But OK, that's still going to be my tip. Any tips for low maintenance friendships?
I think you. Respect each other's boundaries and you make it known that you're there for each other, but at the same time there's no pressure because I think you never know what's really on that person's plate and pressure I think is maybe the last thing they need uncalled for. Well, my tip is to just, you know, stay in touch with them. Unfortunately, social media is very addictive, but it's also a very good way to know what your friends are up to.
And you know, remember, like, you know, when you see them be like, Hey, I saw a couple of months ago you went to like Japan, like how was it? You know, those small things really go a long way. Wait,
I just thought of one last very useful tip. You know that now like on messaging platforms, you can schedule a message. Yeah. So I think one very effective way is to schedule a message way ahead of your friend's birthday or like whatever. Type a message and then scheduled to be sent on her birthday at midnight at midnight. Then you'd be
like, oh thank you for remembering.
I'm sleeping. I know maybe that comes across as a bit insincere, but if you know that you will forget, better schedule than miss the whole day, right?
That's true. That's true. Is it? You think so? OK, I have a final story which just happened to me recently. So basically, um. Many many years ago, I had a friend and we were pretty close. Actually we met by chance and I think it just so happened that we were going through a very strange phase of life and we happened to be there for each other. So eventually everybody had their own lives and it was no love lost, but just we sort of lost contact. Not really. I mean we're
still on Instagram, right? And then last week I bumped into her by pure accident. And I haven't seen this person in like a couple of years now. And something about it felt so bittersweet, I think. It felt like really like no love lost. Yeah, but it felt like, wow, I've missed so many things that has happened in your life and so have you. And it just felt like, but we still sort of know what was going on and it was really like a Are you OK?
I like that. That's so
sweet. That's the only kind of feeling that you can get from a very old friend.
I agree. So if you are tuning into this episode, maybe this is a sign for you to drop your low maintenance friend a text just to check in on him or her, just to ask how he or she is doing and maybe get that lunch down soon. Yeah. So if you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to follow us on Instagram at it's clarity.com.
That's right, you can listen to us on me listen to Spotify, Apple podcast. We're not very low maintenance. We post every week. And of course we're on YouTube as well. Well, hope that you guys, you know, go forth and let your friendships blossom.
We'll
see you next
time. Bye.