Hello Sazel
and I'm
Jermaine and welcome back to another episode of Cities. You know what, I want to say thank you for tuning in to every of our episodes. And the past episode on solo traveling was one that I really enjoyed as well. So in that spirit, today, we're going to do another episode on solo, but not solo traveling anymore, on the theme of solo dating.
What is so dating?
Like you take yourself out on a date. Bingo.
How is that a date?
Exactly. So you are on a date with yourself. So it's like you plan something intentionally as you would for a partner, but it's just you like self-care day. Yeah,
so, so for example if I go. For like my hair appointment, my nail appointment, that's solo dating. Then you take yourself
out to a nice meal. And today I'm actually dressed in how I would dress if I were out for a solo dating. I would take myself hiking. I would want to hit the gym and then go and eat some very good steak.
Interesting. Yeah, so here's the thing about solo dating, right? Things like hair appointments, self-care, nail appointment. I always thought that those were errands to me. They were errands I had to run. So I never saw it as like solo dating.
That's very good insight. I think the usual busy average Singaporean woman would probably think that way, but now that you said that, maybe it's time to change our mindset a bit. Just enjoy soak in the moment. I usually as well it's not like errands that you schedule in between things, but it has to be like intentional. Like, OK, this weekend I'm going to take myself out for brunch
and then I'll go do my nails. It's like intentionally. Yeah, you have to remember that solo dating is about treating yourself. It's not just checking off something on your to do list. So
do you girls do solo dates?
We don't even do dates with people. I think all the time, but last time I would be very afraid to embark on a solo date. I would be afraid of what people would say. There was one time in secondary school, this friend told me, Ha ha, you know, friend, fine friend, and I was so hurt. Yeah, that's very mean, right? I mean, back then we didn't know better, but then now that I've grown up, I actually embrace my me. Time allotted. I understand. Do you enjoy having a meal by yourself?
I
used
to hate it. I thought everyone was judging me for eating by myself and I would have literal like social anxiety going out to eat by myself, but now I love it. I just ate by myself before this episode and I had a great time. I was watching Sings Inferno. So engrossed with that show a muffin.
At this age, it almost feels luxurious, you know, like, um, I have time to spare. I'm going to sit with myself. Yeah.
Here's the strength of solo dating, right? You wouldn't go on a date with someone you don't like. Is that correct? Sure. So if you're going to date yourself, you have to love yourself. If you don't like yourself, you wouldn't want to spend time alone by yourself. What
if someone is now saying, but I don't like myself? OK, you know, a psychologist based in London, her name is Dr. Natalie Bailey. She says that spending quality time alone can be a very valuable tool, and she says solo dating is all about self-love, self-discovery, growth, and empowerment, and it's an meditation, a time to discover more about yourself without the
noise and the influence of others. So if you are someone who doesn't like yourself, maybe you can use this chance to find out what you don't like about yourself and work on it.
I think solo dating takes a lot of guts as well. So, so I'm dressed today in a very nice dinner dress because I'm aspiring to take myself out on a nice solo date dinner, right? Not like a little lunch or cafe, but a full on dinner. So this happened and this inspiration came when I was in LA for work and I was taking my friend out to dinner at like a really nice restaurant in LA and there was a girl sitting next to us and she was in this red booty dress with feathers, gorgeous,
gorgeous girl. And then she was alone for the whole meal. So me and my friend were like, oh, I think she came alone like just to have a nice meal by herself. And at the end of the meal, a birthday cake came out for her. So on our way out, right, we were waiting for a car. And she was there at the drop off point and we asked her like, where are you from? Like, you know what's going on? And she's actually from, I believe, Barbados. Oh, she's on holiday,
is that where you want to hold your wedding next time came from? She's on holiday
in the US alone. It happened to be her birthday, so she took herself out to dinner and dressed in the nicest. She was stunning.
Oh my God
I want to be her.
Wait, she arranged the cake for herself.
So that's my inspiration.
You know, prior to this episode, I never ever thought about the idea of taking myself out to dinner. Like, OK, maybe like Taian sure, you know, just get it done and over with, right? But planning a dinner date for myself, you know, going to my favorite steak restaurant, sitting down, having a glass of red wine, it never occurred to me that, hey, I can do that for myself, but this episode actually inspires me to do so, and it's such a good thing to do to yourself, to just
treat yourself, right? I think whether it's solo dating or solo traveling or even just, you know, have you heard of people who Can or almost cannot be home by themselves. Like they'll pack their schedules. They always have to go and see a friend. Sounds like me. I go home just to sleep, clock in my eight hours of rest, and after that I just want to get out of the house, do things.
For Hazy, it's not that you can't be by yourself, it's just that you like to do things. You always like to be doing something,
yeah. But I think in cases like that, sometimes people are afraid of being with themselves because they're afraid of their thoughts.
I
understand that,
but I take the time like when I mean I don't know if solo dates count if you're just at home, like I'm taking a nice bath, I put on a mask, I do my shower. I think that's a solo date.
OK, so what are some examples of solo dates? Here's one story from online that I really, really love, OK, by this girl called Kimberly, she's only 23, and she really embraces solo dating. She loves to indulge in concerts. Like she's the kind of person, she says, I find the most random artists in the middle of the night when I'm listening to Spotify and I become hyper fixated, like this person is amazing. I must see him or her life. And she started
going to gigs, concerts alone. This has allowed her to tap into her interest further and just connect with herself. She's the kind of person when she's out of the concert, she posts a story, tell everybody she's at this concert, she's watching this act. But now she says she doesn't feel the need to share it anymore. She just go out to the concert herself, enjoy it, go home, that's it. So that's a way of like solo dating and indulging in the interest, and I think that's so nice.
I've never been to a concert alone. I know a lot of people do.
I have.
How was
it? I have one, so basically I was still in school and then John Mayer was playing in London and there was no way I was giving up on that, but I couldn't get tickets. Scalpers are like really wild they're like wild. So eventually, right, it was like 2 weeks before the concert and I still didn't have tickets. And then one day in like the Singaporean group chat, this person I didn't even know who was from Singapore basically said like I had gone home to Singapore and I decided to stay a little
bit longer, so I am not able to make it. Like, does anyone want my ticket for free? No la la. I'm like, oh my God, but there was only one. So I was like I don't care. I am going to go. Did you enjoy that? I did. I was crying.
I mean of course you crying.
It's because you went alone that you could allow yourself to cry like that.
That's not true. I went to play with her, Billie Eilish, both concerts, she was a puddle of tears. Yeah, but that takes a lot of, I feel like it takes guts. I may not be there yet, but I hope to get there one day. On the flip side of it, I think solo dating is still quite a Um, I would say not widely or fully accepted. For example, this person on Reddit said, I'm about to turn 27 and I grew up as an only child and I live in a college town, so I have no friends here.
So I always take myself out to dinner by myself, do solo dates. there's and stuff, but a few weeks ago, I went to a football game by myself and there was a group of girls next to me. I offered to switch seats with one of the girls so that she can be with her group because I was in the middle and the girl said, Oh, you're alone, like alone alone by yourself, and this made her feel very discouraged. She was like,
oh. See, this is where I think the intentions came out wrongly. The girl could have asked that because she was thinking, would you like to join us?
Yeah, but maybe it came out the wrong way. I don't think she meant anything bad.
I think maybe sometimes it's quite subconscious because it's not, it's not as widely known yet, right? You know what I mean. I think sometimes it comes off quite subconscious when you see someone like for example, the girl that you saw in LA. It's very easy for someone to have an immediate thought. Oh, did she get stood up like, oh, does she not have anyone that's why she has to eat alone,
you know that would be the worst if people thought I got stood up because I took myself out to like a really nice restaurant. It's like, oh my gosh, she probably got stood up for a date and show up.
But yeah, people are probably going to think that if you look hot as, you know, that girl and then you're alone,
society is still a ways away from from that. I love Pey Murray's story. She said, I love solo dating. And I do it all the time. There was, there was a Beyonce themed clubbing event and she was supposed to go with her friend, but her friend couldn't make it at the last minute. So I decided to go anyways. I had my outfit, my makeup, everything was ready. I went by myself. It turned out amazing. I enjoyed myself
so much. I even made friends with a guy trying to set me up with his girl best friend, LOL. That's so funny. But she says, I think everyone should go on solo dates whether or not you have a partner.
Oh, on that note, actually, if you have a partner, can you still go on a solo date?
Why not? When you have a partner, all the more you should dedicate time to solo dating. Yes. But if your boyfriend can go for a game of golf, that's a solo date. Oh, that's
a
solo
dating session for him, right? Did they not play golf in packs?
I don't know, man. I don't
know about golf. OK, PDN story. She says she loves going on solo dates and she has days where she just goes out alone, be it to a shop on self-care day, like a hair and nails kind of thing, and she just really loves having some time on her own, and she would highly recommend eating Yankee sushi if you are new to dining alone. This is because it's a very single diner friendly restaurant. And this is one thing I realized about Japanese restaurants.
Remember the previous episode we're talking about how PDM, she went to Korea and there were a lot of restaurants that didn't accept single diners, right? This is exactly the opposite in Japan. In Japan they have a lot of like small little seats just for single diners
ramen. You don't even have to talk to anyone. Yeah,
they just appear out of the little curtain and then pass you a ramen and then that's it. I love
that. I love that. OK, so if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I'm Inspired actually. I want to go on a solo date. What are some ideas, girls that we can give whoever is listening? Maybe
if you're not daring enough yet for like a dinner. OK Cafe in the afternoon, I think that's quite normal to people by themselves or lunch. You start there first. Some of our fellow SG girlies actually recommended plain vanilla, Apollo coffee. Oh my gosh, under the linden. I actually Have their coffee with me right now. Yes, it's very near Mediacorp and I will recommend that cafe because most
of the time it's not very packed. So if you're looking for that quiet environment, I think that's a good place to go to.
Another idea is obviously to do an activity, right? Like let's say you sign up for a class, like a craft class or you go shopping or thrifting, not so advisable for me because whenever I go shopping alone. I end up buying I end up buying way too many things. I treat it like retail therapy, like when I'm in a bad mood, right, I just go and shop then I end up with too many things.
But if you have someone with you, does that stop you?
It depends who the
person is. If it's us, then no girls,
I will be. But yes, that's an idea like going thrifting, maybe finding specialties. Stores, you know, digging out good finds. I feel like that could be quite a cute.
I like what you mentioned about signing up for classes. I think Claas is a good way for you to experience a lot of different things alone, but if you're looking for something that's free, hiking is something I would really recommend like East Coast Park, West Coast Park, Bukit Timah railway. These are some places that you can go to absolutely
FOC, and I love that you. You can almost like ground yourself in nature like really touch grass. They say go out and touch grass, really go and touch the grass because it's very healing for you as a person and even better is if you can go on these walks and not listen to music but just listen to the sound of nature, let the thoughts come in your head and let them go. That's so like tranquil.
Another very therapeutic place that I used to go very, very often, but not anymore, and it's one of my regrets is the library. I love going to the library. I can sit there for hours just like, you know, combing through a book. I think hitting the library or the bookstores is a very good way to just spend time with yourself, and the book that you pick up definitely, you know, is aligned with your interest as well, so why not? A very good place that I can recommend
is the Brass Basar bookstore. They have a lot of very special and unique books. If you don't want to buy books, then just go to the library free of charge. Yeah,
the other day I was having lunch with a friend and I was like, oh, you know, it's your birthday. What are you going to do after this lunch? He said, Oh, I'm going to go to the library. Yeah, he literally went there and like read about Singapore history for like 3 hours on his birthday.
This person happen to be Avery or what? No, it will never be never be.
I don't think Avery you know what,
because I just want to share that Avery has this like. e-reader thing, yeah, it's like a Kindle, but it's a Singapore version of the Kindle that's actually connected to your national library board account so you can borrow books from the NLB and it's connected to the COO and then just take yourself out to a cafe, sit down and read the book. That's so
nice, right? Yeah, I think one way to make yourself feel comfortable when you're on a solo date is bring like Like they call it a comfort item, something that makes you feel safe.
It will be the camera for me. Like every time I feel insecure, maybe I want to just stand up and snap something.
For me it's earphones like it's my AirPods like once I put I'm like, you know, in my own world doing my own thing.
For some people it could be the journal just sit down, like pencil all their
thoughts. Oh yours can be wooden one. Yeah yeah
yeah that's so relaxing. I love that. I love that. And I think picking the right environment that speaks to you is also something that's very important. If you are someone who is a lover of nature, then of course get out to the wild, but if you are like a city girl, then maybe cafes would be a good start for you. And if you can't deal with anything too quiet, then maybe if you need a little bit of buzz, then you pick somewhere a little bit more like busy maybe.
I think the biggest hurdle to get over is. caring what people think. Yeah, for most people, solo dating, solo eating, solo traveling, whatever it is, right, you always worry about like, oh people judge me if I do this alone, and the fact of the matter is you're not going to convince yourself that people don't judge you, right? But you can convince yourself that you don't care. Don't try to change people, you change yourself.
And what can you do to achieve that? I think having a plan is very important. Tell yourself, OK, 8 a.m., you want to be here. By 12 p.m. you want to be there, and by 3 p.m. here and then go home. So if you have a plan, it distracts you from what other people think. You just go with your own flow and you call the shots. Then maybe you don't feel lost as well if you know, you're done with something, then you don't really know what to do. Maybe at that point you
can feel like a little bit lost. So the plan, I think that helps. And I think the most important thing like what Jimmy mentioned is shifting your mindset. Just tell yourself that you know solo dating doesn't mean that you are lonely. You're alone, yes, but that doesn't mean that you're lonely. You can tell yourself that at least you've reached a point where you're really comfortable to be with yourself because a lot of people can't do that.
Oh, I love that. We hope you take yourself out on a solo date.
But apart from solo dating girls, what are some of the self-care tips that you guys think can appeal to our listeners?
I think,
right, for me the biggest self-care tip that works for me, it makes me happy is my skincare routine. I think that's very small, you know, doesn't take up too much time, but it's something that I do on a very regular basis. I like to apply a mask every two nights and then make sure my routine is in place before I go to sleep. Like there's like a little thing that grounds me.
There are a few things that scientifically proven, you need to achieve happiness. Number 1 is enough sleep. Number 2 is enough water. Number 3 is to eat well, right? Don't just eat junk food. Number 4 is daily exercise. So it can just be a walk. It doesn't have to be like you hit the gym or you know you go for a run, but just a walk, right?
Number 5 is actually daily sunlight. So getting sunlight in your eyes before 10 a.m. is very, very helpful for your circadian rhythm and helps you sleep better at night. You'll get at least 10 minutes. If it's overcast, try to stay for at least 20 minutes. Obviously don't look at the sun directly, but yes, the last thing, the number 6 thing is actually social connection, and this doesn't mean like
Applying to people in the DMs, this means actually meeting someone. Yeah, so even though we're talking about solo stuff, like, you know, a lot of stuff is solo, but you do still need social connection for the introverts out there. I'm talking to you. Those 6 things will guarantee you happiness in your life.
There's a whole IG like snippet on its own, you know, it's so helpful. Yeah, last night I slept for 8 hours and today I feel different, completely different. What's your self-care routine? Mine is not so much self-care, but if you're going to be by yourself and Comfortable being by yourself, I think don't afraid to say no because, OK, so I'll give you an example, right? Recently I had some time to myself while waiting for a friend. So I was sitting there happily by myself
and I really just want to be alone. I was having a drink and then there was this table next to me and they were like, Oh, come and join us. And I was like, actually, no, I want to be by myself. But is it because they recognize who you were? Like they knew like, OK, you're Azura, you're a radio DJ, you want to join us. But if you feel like you want to, you know,
have some social interactions, go ahead. But if you feel like I've blocked this time out for myself and I really just want to be alone, then be alone. Yeah, that's fair.
I love that. So we've got a little quote to end off today's episode. Someone on Reddit said, to me, solo dating is just living. Yes, I go to cafes, dinners, museums, galleries, walks along the waterfront by myself, but you don't need other people to exist in public. You are not an NPC non-playing character, but also I'm in a Relationship and it still doesn't change what I'm capable of doing by myself. At the end of the day, your
world should not be dictated by someone else. Live it on your own terms.
I love that. We hope that gives you some strength if you are thinking of taking yourself out solo dating for the first time ever. All the best of that, let us know how it goes on Instagram. It's clarity.co. Drop us a DM anytime. That's right. You can listen to us on Spotify, listen, Apple Podcast. If you're out alone and you start to get a little bit lonely, you listen to
us. Or you can watch us on YouTube as well if you want to see familiar faces. We're there also Clarity Cove and yeah, we'll catch you on the next episode. see you. Happy solo dating.