Hi, Ciso. Hey, Cesura and I'm Tremaine and welcome back to another episode of Cle Hash Pods. I'm someone who tends to romanticize life a lot. You are. Do you know what that is? It's like when a guy does something for me, like when he opens the door for me, I told you guys this before, when I was 14 and a guy opened the door for me. I fell in love and I love this guy for like one year. But apparently some people would now scold me
and say, how can you reward the bare minimum? Like it's his job to open the door for a girl. It's what's expected of like a gentleman or that's what they say, right? And I think I tend to romanticize it a bit too much. But here's what I think this is what the movies have been teaching us, right? Dramas have been teaching us. But when it comes to like actual life, how many people actually open the doors for women? Fight someone fall.
Why
for not opening the door for you? No,
because the person was like, you can't expect reality to be like the movies. And I was like, why not
a zero delusional go. That's no.
But actually though, like, ok, I'm not saying like, you know, run to each other in the rain or whatever, but certain things, I don't think they're wrong for you to want them. Ok.
So this is exactly what we're going to discuss today. Ok. What is the lulu in this society? Is the, yeah, are we expecting too much or are we just barely hitting the bare minimum? Absolutely. So this idea of a bare minimum relationship, right? Or actions that are the bare minimum? What does that mean to you? Girls barely showing up only doing like what's minimally expected of this person? Not going past this mark to deliver something more, not going the extra mile
to show love to show care, concern, appreciation. So the bare minimum is this is this spot where this person doesn't do anything that causes a breakup. It's not like they cheat on you, correct? Or they hit you leave. But do you have any reason to stay? Actually, there's this therapist, her name is Israel Nasir. She says a bare minimum relationship signifies the lack of effort, emotional and, or commitment in the relationship and your partner is just
doing enough to say I did it what? There's nothing wrong I did it. I was a boyfriend but like Hazy said, what's making you stay right? You know,
sometimes people cite examples of bein like opening doors. Like what else?
If it's a B we know we should be able to come up with some examples quick.
Correct, correct, correct, replying to you whenever they can. That's calling you ever so often. Good morning text example. I think when people cite these examples, some people are not too happy because they think, oh, you know, you're being superficial, you're being demanding, you're asking for all these things. But I think what someone is trying to say, they're trying to articulate what they can't in theory and that's why it's being given as these examples. You know what I mean?
Like, ok, let me give you an example for myself. Right. It's not about the actions, you know what I mean? Like, if you made up for it in some other way, I don't care whether you open the door or not. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think I saw this thing very recently and I agreed with it, which was, I think you want a love that loves you when it's inconvenient and not just when it's convenient.
True. Yeah. So if you girls ever been in a relationship, then after a while it kind of gets stagnant and then you're like, is he just doing the bare minimum?
Would you say that doing the bare minimum is almost similar to breadcrumb where they're just giving you enough to keep you around?
That's an interesting thought. Perhaps it's something I think it might not even be like a relationship, like boyfriend, girlfriend. It could just be someone that you're interested in and they are just doing the bare minimum to keep you interested. Yeah. Like, situationships. I like a lot of situationships are like bare minimum minimum and then that's why
they don't make it to the next phase. Right. I would like to think that thankfully in my recent relations I've never experienced one that is like the bare minimum actually. Me too. Yeah, I think because we just keep picking people that are more and more right for us as time pass by. So
thankfully, I don't think I have a bare minimum experience and below minimum have below
negative,
negative, low minimum is like, cannot even smile when they see you go so miserable or not
while you are in a relationship. Yeah. I don't understand. That's quite bad. Who, who
else?
That's quite bad. Yeah. I mean, at that point you already know it's a no go, it's the bare minimum when it's, like, actually got nothing wrong. You got nothing wrong. When do you say? You know what, I'm going to cut this off and find something better. It's very hard. There's no, nothing to tell you. Like it's time to end it, especially for a lot of people, right? When it's past the dating phase you are into like the marriage, my God. It even harder to cut all ties and
go back. Right and say no, I have a friend she used to date someone who would like game all the time. They cohabitate but there's no connection. Like when they go home, they just, each of their phones, they don't talk when they eat together, they're still scrolling their phones. And I think this is a relationship that is even lower than the bare minimum. Don't you think
it makes you think? Do you genuinely enjoy each other or do you just not want to be lonely? I think
that's a great example that you brought up, right? If you're thinking now and you're reflecting on your own relationship and you're saying to yourself is this bare minimum? Some of the signs would be. Where was your last date night? Do you remember? There's no planning, there's no effort to treat each other. Take each other out on dates. There's no emotional support. Like you guys don't talk to each other when you're upset, you talk to your friends so you talk to other people.
There's a huge, there is no wrong in talking to your friends, but you also have to speak to your partner about it. That's true. Or you just don't ever fight at all. You just completely avoid conflict because you don't want to have difficult conversations. Tough conversations are a must. Yes. And if the person is not showing interest in your life, your hobby, your job, your friends, I think there's also
a red flag. That's true. Yeah, I, I have a friend who, towards the end of their relationship was doing very well in, in, like, career wise. Right. And would go and tell the partner, like, you know, I got this job, I got this, I got this and the partner was very disinterested or because he's jealous, something like that. I guess, of this person, you know, being more in the spotlight, getting more attention and the partner just could not be happy for my friend. I don't get that. Like, I just don't
get no. But that comes from inner hood. It comes from inner, like, trauma. It doesn't come from, you know, wanting to be a bad person. It's a self projection. It's a self projection. Exactly. So all these are, I think signs of a bare minimum relationship. Speaking of that example, I have a friend in the industry as well. She's once shared with me that she told her partner, like, you know, how much she earns and she's getting better
and better. Right? Her partner had actually said, what can I do to better myself so that I can be on par with you? No, I think that's a healthy way of looking at it maybe by thinking that you can't actually start earning more income. But by thinking that you can actually start taking steps to actualize that. Right.
It's like I'm happy for you and I'm inspired by you and I want to work as hard as you do too. That's what it sounds like to me, correct.
The ego does not stop here, you know, as a male to recognize that the woman is doing better than him and he, he wants to do better.
I saw this video recently and it said that if someone told you, oh, you're just like your partner, would that make you feel offended or would that make you feel proud of the person that they are?
If you feel offended, then maybe it's a sign that this partner really isn't for you. But if you feel proud, they say, hey,
if someone says that you are like that person, how would that make you feel good?
This is very interesting perspective. Have you girls heard of the orange peel theory? I think it's stupid. You think theory? Ok. Let me explain. So is this trend on tiktok whereby this wife got her husband to peel an orange for her and the husband willingly did? So by doing that, it proves that the husband loves her. It's a bare minimum. It's like a test. No. Ok. I don't think it's the bare minimum. Some people just don't like to get their hands dirty and peel like prawns, peel oranges. I
think it's fine. But why are you testing your partner with an orange? No, because you can jolly. Well, do so yourself. And your partner knows that. But by doing it for you, he's saving you the inconvenience and that's why it shows that he loves you. That's the point of this theory? Ok. Well, I think there are other more relevant ways to, you know, see if your partner really loves you. Tell us one, we trend it just in your everyday life, right? Do
they plan dates? Like, do they take the initiative to achieve? Well, like what is your love language? Do they pander to that? Do you communicate about that? Just things like that? But an orange, I mean, yeah, I get the logic. If you do give them an orange and you say, can you please peel this for me? They should say yes. And if they peel it for you, a lot of girls see this as a sign as, oh, this person is so sweet. This was actually what happened
in the comment section. A lot of comments started coming in praising the man saying, what do I find a husband like that? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then this went viral because a lot of other comments were like flaming these comments for complimenting the minimum.
Exactly. OK. I'll I tell you why. I think it's bare minimum because it's things like that, right? That let's say we're not talking about things that you don't want to do. But if it's a simple thing that costs you nothing but your partner wants it, I think it should be quite easy for you to do it. So this should want to do it.
This is where when I was, you know, trying to absorb this whole episode today, right. That I really need to put my foot down. I think that even though it's a very easy thing for your partner to do, it doesn't hurt to show them appreciation for it. Even though it's expected of you, it doesn't hurt to show them love and say, thank you, for example, right at your job, what you're doing right now is your job. But if your boss every day look at you right?
It just, this is your job but I shouldn't. Thank you. Why should I show you appreciation? That sucks. That feeling just sucks. So say even more so with the relationship, even though it's simple, things like peeling prows opening the door, hold your back for you just show appreciation even if it's the bare minimum. I agree. I always want to say thank you and not to be for granted because you never know some guys out there who never do it,
but your partner would. Yeah. And I saw this interview where Katy Perry said that her love language is her partner doing the dishes because she really hates it. So if she could find a partner who do a dishes, she said a sentence, just do the fucking dishes. I will suck your date and like the comments came in like, whoa, I think a lot of people would do the dishes for her. Actually, one comment said I want to do the dishes. Nothing happened. I mean, some people kind of
didn't really like that. She said that they just felt that why are you offering up your body for someone doing the dishes for you? But maybe she just feels like it's a very sweet gesture of a partner to do so. Yeah. Good for Orlando Bloom. I mean, like,
I think what goes behind that is that you just want to make things a little bit easier for your partner. Like, if I don't mind doing it and if you hate it to record of, I do, you know. Yeah,
I think I would love to see. Right. I mean, if you're listening right now to hush, what are your experiences of a bare minimum relationship? There's this one that we saw on Reddit, basically a girl was on a, she's doing work from home and she's on a Zoom call and her husband brought her a cup of coffee. Ok. And then her colleagues were like, oh my God, like he loves you so much like, wow. You know, you got him whipped and stuff like that.
And she was like, it's just a cup of coffee. Ok. I don't know if I'm crazy but I think it's sweet. I think it's super
sweet. I think it's the thought that you're working. I think you might need something. Yeah. So for me it's not the action but as the thought behind that,
but is it the bare minimum. I don't know about this because rose reverse. Would you do the same for the partner? Like, would you think about a, he's on a meeting now? Let me get him a cup of coffee. Sometimes he doesn't come so naturally to us everyone's, everyone's different. Yeah. The fact that he thought about that, I think that's super sweet. I think it's very sweet. I think it is slightly above the bare, you know, I think it's I think you can expect this from every
men. You know, I appreciate the
thought, you know, any action. I don't care what the action is
about. The Lulu in this day and age. Sometimes I find it really rare
talking about this coffee thing, right? I saw this video of this couple who were at the guy's parents house. So the father was there and then she was sitting there and then he had come back I think and then she said, can you get me water? It was a prank. So he said no, go get it yourself. His father went mad like just go and get it for her. Like what on earth are you on about? And he was like, no, you are standing right there, go get it yourself. So
they are trying to prank the father. Yes. Oh my God, who's being prank?
Yes. And I think correct. Yeah, like you know, even if that person was standing for example, but if someone asked you for something so simple. There's no harm in doing it. And I think when you find it a chore to do it, you've got some questions to ask.
But what if this partner keeps wanting the other half to do something simple every day? She said, can you please get me a cup of water? Can you please bring me my phone? Can you please do this, do that? I mean, at one point also be seen, right? I agree. I don't think so. Why if you love the person, you know, because my brother used to ask me to take things for him, you know, annoying. Ok. I'll give you guys some examples and you say like,
OK, that's very minimum or no, that's kind of sweet. Ok, so this person on Reddit said, I mean, this person is obviously gay and said that I always hear my street friends hyping up the most basic shit that their boyfriends do for them. Like for example, he brought me a glass of water when I said I was thirsty. Yeah, I OK, if I were to break that down and dissect it, I said I was thirsty. I didn't say, can you bring me a glass of water? He inferred from the fact that I'm thirsty and bring me a
glass of water. That's critical thinking.
No, that's bare minimum because now that you broke it down like that, have they been so disappointing that when they're able to think critically we think it's incredible.
No, I beg to defer. I think it's sweet because if my other half had told me I'm so thirsty right now, would I have said, oh, then go drink some water and continue doing my work? Or would I have gotten him a glass of water? I either get it
or say you want water,
I think. Oh yeah. But I must ask. Right. But he didn't ask. This is what
sometimes right? I cross check with by replacing it with a friend. For example, if I said I was thirsty, would my friends fetch me water? Yes. 100% correct. So are you special? Not really?
OK. Next one he picked me up for our first date and paid the bill. I think the pay the bill is OK? But the picking you up that sweet. I mean, look the pain, you know, not much to shout about paying the bill. Is there a
difference between bare minimum? That's nice. And that sweet
like one tier above the other?
I think that's nice is in between. OK,
let's flip it around if we did. What's something that a girl could do? That is the bare minimum for a guy?
Let him game in peace.
Understand when he needs his bro time. That's the bare minimum. Very simple, right? Quite hard. Maybe exactly what I was talking about. See if I did that. I think that's, that's really fucking sweet. Like you want a medal I want to go meal. How about like, ok, if your boyfriend is tired, right? Or has a headache, you just, like, press his head, massage his head a little bit. That's the bare minimum, right. That's like water. So, would you want them to say like, oh, that's really sweet of you.
Or would you want them to be like, no, this is expected of you. No, of course. You want compliments. Right. Yeah. So I do anything. I want compliments what I'm saying, just say just what you want to say.
I don't like the word expectations, but I think when you start expecting things, that's where a lot of people get unhappy with each other because you have expectations of your partner. Let's say this person has always been doing something for you for a really long time or you think it's a bare minimum and thus you expect it. But there's a line to the expectation. I feel it's
being very careful to not take it for granted for granted, even if it is simple, even if it's the bare minimum, correct, not to take it for granted. Grateful
if you do it. I say thank you. If you don't. Ok, there's no problem. We've got one here. Ok. This person says my current boyfriend and I have been dating for over eight months and every time we have sex, he makes sure he takes his time, puts in the effort to give me a good foreplay while treating me with the attention and care I need. He doesn't just get down to business like some guys and he always makes sure I'm in the mood aka content. Is that bare minimum?
What is the point of this? They're just trying to tell us that they are very healthy sex life. I
think she's trying to say that she's been with trash men who are there just, just
getting down to business right away, which is taking
pleasure for themselves and not thinking of you
not taking to a how the lady feels. Well, that's sweet. But I feel like in every healthy relationship
minimum. Yeah, because it's about thinking of you.
That's true. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, oh, that's so sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, oh, thank you so much. I was like, yeah, like you do me, I do you. Right. Correct. Correct. Ok. So clearly it doesn't apply to everything. Yeah. Right. Do you think that we then kind of like, idealize this bare minimum? Too much? If I were to be very honest, I think a little bit because we don't see this happening
very often anymore in this day and age. Right? I mean, do you still see guys opening car doors for girls? My brother does it. Hey, Justin. Yeah. But my own boyfriend doesn't. So you see, but I don't even ask because I feel like I'm a woman, I'm an independent woman. I open it myself. This guy I date opens the car door for me every time and every time I still feel like, did you ask him to do that ever? So he just did it. Yeah. But sometimes if he forgets, I just stand there
the expectation. Correct. Correct. And you, and you run over my princess, please get it. Should I do that? Is that the way I was just, I just stand there right? Until he gets it. He doesn't, he drives off. He's like a wish you'll be really angry. I'll be really angry. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So that's why I say I don't consider these things the bare minimum because not a lot of people do it. Yeah. Like they do in like movies and KK dramas and all that love but in real life, I don't
think so. Not
really. So, are you saying that there are things that you didn't have to but you did to show care. Yes.
To show that. You know, I'm thinking about you. I'm thinking of you. I think it's a very, it's a very fine line between, hey, this is respectful to do, right? As someone who is in a situation or relationship with you or, you know, this is something that is of a higher effort. It's, it's a very fine line to decide between left and right. But at the end of the day, I think you will know when it's really like nothing to be celebrated. Correct.
I think I want to push it a step further and say that if you're truly happy with a true connection, such that you didn't have to quantify it down to things. I don't think he would be thinking about every action and thinking. Should this person be doing this? It's so
transactional. You know what I mean?
Yeah,
I also think that if you're thinking, hey, is my relationship bare minimum. It probably is and you probably need to reconsider not.
You wouldn't even think
you even get to that stage. And there is a lot of reasons why I guess people would stay in a bare minimum relationship where like we describe the relationship, right? You go home, you don't talk at all, you never go on dates, you never spend time with each other, you never connect.
They don't take your feelings into consideration.
Your feelings are not valid. We're not saying you have to walk out of that relationship but maybe try introducing things into your relationship that will change the dynamics. Yeah, like foreplay, which apparently works for a person on Reddit.
Um Some reasons why I guess people might choose to stay in a bare minimum relationship where even though it's not being reciprocated, the love, it could be because of trauma from previous relationship where you feel you're not worthy of love, you're not worthy of better, you're not worthy of more effort. And that comes from a low self esteem. Yeah. And, um, childhood I think is a huge reason as well. If
you trauma, yeah. If you grew up in an unhealthy, you know, environment, maybe in your future relationships you wouldn't dare to settle for something more above that. You know,
it's like when we were trying to find ourselves and I think when we had to realize that healthy was unfamiliar to us because we were so used to unhealthy. And I think sometimes people idolize healthy, they think they want healthy, but sometimes they can't deal with it when it comes because they look for what's familiar.
Exactly. Brings me to my next point. A lot of people are in hopes that their partner would change. So you keep hoping that, ah, the change will come, he will become a better man. And then you keep seeing their relationship and one day if you realize that, hey, you know, things are not moving forward, then how basically you fall in love with the person that they could be, but they're not there yet. And then they never try to
make an effort to get there. But you think, you know, they're gonna be this good, they're gonna be so good. They're gonna be, you know, such a loving partner, but they never get there.
That's why I always say, like, you cannot fall in love with potential. Yeah, because first of all, it's not your job to change that person. So, do you really like what you're seeing now.
No. Absolutely. And I think being in a very minimum relationship, it could have quite significant effects on you in the future as well. Every relationship to me is a two way street. Right. Both people need to put in the effort. It's not always going to be 5050. And we've talked about this and that's fine, but it can't always be one person putting in the effort. It's, it's a lot of burnout for you emotionally, physically, mentally. It's very exhausting and decreasing self-worth.
I do see that in one of my girlfriends, she's in a bare minimum relationship and just many years down the road, she feels like she doesn't deserve something better. So which I like, really tried to snap some sense into her to tell her that you deserve better. Ultimately, she walked out of that relationship and she found someone better. I'm so happy for her, but it's scary to do that right when you don't
think you deserve better. Correct. And she doesn't realize she was in a relationship that was not even the bare minimum was slower than that. You know.
You know, it's like that book and movie, a fault on our source. I read a very, very long time ago. I was very young and there was this very famous line which says that we accept the love that we think we deserve. And for a very long time, I didn't understand what that meant. But I got older and I was like, it's true. It's true. And someone was saying the other day that your choice of partner is a reflection of how much you love yourself.
That's very true. I love that. I also find that some people, they have difficulty leaving their relationship, even if they find that maybe this partner is not the one for me. I have had a girlfriend. Tell me, oh, I've been with this guy for five years. It's been so long it would be such a waste to let it go. That's what happened to me. Like there was not think bad but it was just like, you know, but there's really nothing left but even longer time ahead of you.
That's true. It's not. Now when I think never in the history of the world, has anyone regretted leaving a relationship that they should have left much earlier? So I hope that gives you some, you know, courage, strength and courage to leave a situation that you're not, it's not deserving of you.
You know, you stay for various reasons. Right. And I think a lot of people are not at peak satisfaction or peak happiness but they stay because it's been this, this, this amount of years. Oh, I'm 32 now. We've been together for eight years. If I leave this relationship. Do I know I'm going to find something better. What if I don't? What if I'm just alone? You know, after that? But something I always say is if it's bare minimum and you are saying, can you live like that for
the rest of your life? And maybe your answer will be yes, because keep it peaceful. You're used to it, you're used to it. Everything is comfortable. But my next question is, should you live like this for the rest of your life? Why should you actually?
So we've been talking a lot about the bare minimum. Let's talk about what are some things we should expect in every relationship? The good things expect. Yes, loyalty, ambition, driven, respect, respect. I think in a relationship, the both of you should be growing together and when you come to a space where like I'm growing, but he refuses to grow or you know, something like that, then I think you kind of realize that there is a bit of a misalignment.
Yeah. I think action matching up to your words.
I mean, people can say anything right? They can say like, oh, you know, I'll treat you the best. I'll never make you cry. But that's a lie. By the way, I've had guys tell me I'll never make you cry like the other guy bullshit. Every guy makes you cry. OK? That's a lie. Don't believe it's what they do when you cry. Correct. It's unrealistic to think that you'll never cry in a relationship will never make you cry. OK? Korea
drama. Cry. How much?
Yeah. True. And I think it's all in the little things if this person really cares for you, he or she will not keep you waiting for, but you won't ever have to wait like, what, 1214 hours for their reply. They are always like, you know, catering time to attend to you. Be it in real life or over text.
I think you never have to question your position in their life.
Yes, they are very sure of you and you are very certain of them. I think it's a two way street. I love that very much. And I think what's the most important thing is your other partner respects your boundaries. I think there's a huge green flag boundaries as in work life boundary, your boundaries between you and your friends, you and the things that matter to you. I think all of this must
be considered and taken into account. Yeah. I mean, I think all of us after today's episode are going to go back and kind of like take stock of our relationships and we hope that you do as well. Yeah. And if you're listening to this and you realize that, hey, is my relationship like the bare minimum. Once again, we're not saying that leaving or quitting this relationship is the only way to go. You can start by introducing things into your relationship that will
improve it. But of course, then it takes two hands to clap both you and your partner has to agree to it. Yeah, you have to communicate, maybe get some third party help. You know, there's no shame in there and you could very much revive your relationship, but only if both hands are willing to
correct. Because I always say that I think in a relationship, no matter how long it's been, you have to never just stop chasing your other half. That's a good way to put it like that because I think a lot of people get so comfortable, they start taking things for granted. But here's the thing, right? As much as you've pledged loyalty to each other, there is nothing that is holding the other person back from leaving any time. So what
makes you think that they can't leave? And if you keep that in mind, then you would put in effort to chase them just so you can keep them every day, you know,
and then these are little sweet gestures that I believe are past the bare minimum. It's things that you do to retain each other in your lives, you know, ok. If you have any stories or if you want to share your thoughts with us, we'll be more than happy to hear. You can DM us or drop us a comment on Instagram at is clarity.co.
That's right. You can listen to us on me. Listen, Apple podcast, Spotify, turn out not actually, I also want to know like, can you please comment and tell us like he did this, this, this is this bare minimum.
I will go in the comments and I will read it here. I will check it out and of course, check us out on youtube as well. We have a brand new set. It's very beautiful, so big, shout out to our team as well for making this gorgeous, gorgeous set and we'll catch you next time on Hush Podcast.