Hi. Hi, and I'm Jemaine and welcome back to another episode of Clam. Today we're talking about something that we have no idea about marriage. So we have the ultimate old married couple. Let's welcome Jane. And
where the old come from? Because of me, old
married. How many years have you guys been married this
year is nine years. Plus dating will be about 12 years.
So that's 13 plus nine. No, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm so old.
I mean, you guys have been married for nine years. Would you say that's a long time to be married in this day and age?
I don't think it's necessary to put a time frame to marriage? Yeah, because then why do you get married in the first place? People who get in a good relationship, stay married longer, I suppose. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. Healthy.
And for Jane when you met Vernon, right. What about him? Shouted at you. Marriage material.
Handsome.
No, honestly, nothing. No. Honestly, seriously, seriously, you know, when we first met, it didn't really occur to me that I was going to get married with him. So it's just, you know, a dating thing. Yeah. Only like much later on when we dated a little bit more seriously. And then I thought like it could be in the cards for us. Yeah. And now they have two kids. Can you believe that? I mean,
very cute kids. You know, usually when I go to the bedroom and then close the door, what happens inside? Come on, nine months later,
nine months you stay in the bedroom? Oh, ok. Sounds great. But today we talk about marriage more specifically something called the concept of a 50 50 in marriage, right? This can be with regards to responsibility, finance and all of that and because none of us are married or barely in relationships, so we need to look to you guys. So you are our role models for today. Please be good one. What a lot of people understand of marriage is that responsibilities have to be shared and
it has to be shared equally. The husband takes 50% the wife takes 50%. For example, if the husband cooks, then the wife washes the dishes. But I don't know if this is the case in marriage these days or like, is this really the way to run a marriage? I don't think it has ever existed at all. The 50 50 rule. I think
some people do that. I feel very sad for them though because like, you know, being in a healthy relationship, why do you put numbers to things? Why do you have 50% of the work? Yeah. Like, if you feel you need to wash clothes you can wash clothes. Why, why worry about what your spouse is doing when you are washing the clothes and why do you have to wait for someone else to do it? But that's
the thing. So, some people wonder if it's always me who is mopping the floor? When will my other half to do it? It's the, that person problems, isn't
it? Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you feel that the floor is dirty, then you mop the floor. If the other person doesn't feel that the floor is dirty, then they won't mop the floor.
Ok. So I have a girlfriend, um, she will always vacuum the floor. Ok. So she says that that's her responsibility and then she just tells her boyfriend, can you just please empty the vacuum cleaner? Like that's the least you can do. Right. So, that was the arrangement. But you know what, when the vacuum cleaner is so full that all the dust is accumulated inside already, he still hasn't emptied it. He, he is. So, now they are broken up.
That's when, you know, that relationship sucks because of a vacuum cleaner. It's the
principle of it though. It's, you know, if I ask something of you, my partner, why can't you just do it? It's not about $50.
So, if you have something that you would like your partner to do and you ask nicely, then they should do it. I mean, ok, maybe in our relationship we don't define it by goals. If she wakes up in the morning and the house is dirty, she'll do the housework. Oh, yeah. You like to do the housework. I generally do most of the housework because she looks up. It's around that
time when she feeds the kids. So I use that time to, to do the housework and I like it, but I don't expect her like, ok, tomorrow your turn like we don't divide, you know, why?
Why are you? So, yeah, I think it's very toxic and it's just very draining to be so calculative. Like a, it's your turn today. Why are you not doing it instead of using that kind of mentality? To me? It's like, ok, I take it as maybe he's busy. I give him a better feel that after all, he's my husband, maybe he's just really tired so I'll just take over. It's just mopping the floor, it's just doing laundry. It's not a big deal. You know, there's like an alternative to
the 50 50 model. They call it the 100 100 model. Each partnership be giving 100% regardless of what your partner is giving in return and you always give without expecting anything back because this is what a relationship is like the 100 100. So at home, right. Paint us a picture. Does either of you cook.
She does. I don't. Ok. So she cooks, you don't cook. But I try to encourage her not to cook. Yeah. Because, no, not because the cooking sucks. I mean, she cooks fine. It's just that, it makes her tired and it leaves her less time with the kids or with me. And time for us especially is very fragile. Um, because of our working hours. I wake up really early in the day. So I try to have as much time in the afternoon to rest
and then the evenings are spent with the kids. And so by the time we put the kids to bed, that's our time where we watch TV. We, we talk about the day and stuff like that. So, so if she cooks, then she'll be really tired and, you know, you just don't want tiredness to seep into, to a relationship where you're trying to be happy when you have alone time. So
it comes to kids. Traditionally, it usually falls to the mother. Right. The mother is the one that has to take care of their education after school work. Do you agree? Or we don't divide it very clearly. He does have to work at night. So I totally understand. So I take over but he also understands that I have certain, I, I cannot be at home with the kids and he also gladly takes over. So there's no like, clear
definition for us actually. Yeah. The thing. Right. I think it's because, you know, they both are very proactive and picking up the pieces filling up the gaps. But I think this concept of, you know, maybe some people fall into this pace of being calculative or, you know, keeping tabs because one person will just not do it. And they
don't, it sounds like very selfish behavior. If you ask me and, you know, to, for you to get into that, that situation where you have to be calculated, then why were you in the relationship in the first place? You know, you got to ask yourself these questions.
Maybe it's kind of a red flag. It's signaling to
you. Exactly. Yeah. Maybe this is not the right relationship to get married in advance and move on to a family, you know. Yeah. And
to be honest, you don't find out about certain habits until you actually start staying with this person. Right. So that can come into play as
well. I always feel that before you get married, try to go habit, not permanently, but on a regular basis. So at least, you know what you are in store for if you do eventually marry and, and, you know, live together, you know, certain habits that some people might not be able to overcome. Some people can just, you know, close one eye and get used to
it. I don't think there is like a model per se. Like, you know, the ideal relationship, the ideal marriage. But I think it's more about your personalities and how you guys gel and fit into one another. I think that's more important because everybody is different. You cannot go into a relationship and expect your other half to be living by this 100 100 model, then you will be on this and giving a lot. But the other person doesn't understand or doesn't agree and
very tiring. So even if I go in with this ideal, it may not work out because the other person just doesn't agree. So it also depends. So what would you suggest to, like people who are maybe going to get married out there? What should they expect?
Drop all your expectations? A lot of people have these ideals that I don't know where they get it from but through looking at other people's relationships or through movies or, or things you read and you form these ideas in your mind. Oh, my future husband slash wife should be this, this, this, this, this, this, this and this life is very unrealistic because everybody is an individual. You will never find one person with all the qualities
that you. Yeah, exactly. You know, there's bound to be, you know, some things that you have to compromise and all that. So I always feel, you know, when, especially when it comes to relationships and even in a friend relationship as well, like, you know, just a regular normal relationship, colleague relationship. If you draw all your ideals, right? And
willing to be a bit more open. Right? You'll find different characteristics that you never thought about when you were forming those ideals and you actually might like that characteristic better than the ideal that you had in the first
place. That's true in any working relationship. If you come in thinking it's going to be 50 50 you're gonna end up disappointed and annoyed.
I hate to use the cliche think out of the box. But if you remove that box, then aren't you more open to more things and accepting to, to, you know, more people and it just opens up your horizons
responsibilities, living together. Cohabiting is one thing, right? But there's a more sensitive area, obviously in a relationship when it comes to finances, finance is always a very sour point in any relationship. I'll give you an example, right? So recently a bunch of my friends came in from out of town. So me and my boyfriend brought them out, you know, go
and drink and have fun and stuff like that. And because they are my friends, of course, I'm going to pay for them, but he had intercepted and he got the bill, obviously, at this point, you know, alcohol induced. I asked him like, why do you get the bill? I wanted to get it because they are my friends. I want to get the tap. And he said to me, look, you know, I obviously make more money than you. I have more disposable income. I want to do something nice for you.
Why is that bad? Finance is a very sensitive thing. I was very hurt by that statement. I said just because you make more money than me doesn't mean that I can't get this tap. But I do understand where he's coming from. Yeah, exactly. It's a sour point. Annoying to have to deal with things like that. Yeah.
But you see, once you start letting these things like finances become a problem then they are a problem. If you just go, like, oh, you pay for it. Ok, I'll get the next one and, you know, just leave it if you don't try to read into so many things and try to take things less seriously. It would have been a very fun occasion and you didn't have to pay for your friend. That awesome. Your boy free.
And would you have considered paying for his friends the next time they come into town? Yeah. I mean, I just didn't want him to think that I wanted him to pay. Right. Yeah, exactly. But finance for a lot of married couples, they have like, a shared bank account. They do 50 50 every month they put in the same. Is that realistic? How can you put in the same amount of money?
I think it's a little unrealistic. I mean, having a joint bank account is good, especially because of where we live and, and you know, a lot of things, uh require money spent and things like that, you have to pay for a lot of things. But again, to put pressure on yourself to say, oh, you have to put in this amount because she's going to put in this amount. Then when you fall short or your spouse falls short, then,
then there's a point of contention there. So why don't you just try to be as happy as you can and do what you can? And I'm sure because it's the person you married, they're not gonna like, oh, you show me $5 this month, you know, that's it. No TV, for you. I mean, that's not gonna happen because of a shortfall and obviously there will be a reason for it. I mean, of course, if the shortfall came from, I went to and I spent all my money on roller coaster rides.
That's all you do. You don't do anything else? You know that, then that is a problem. You know, obviously it's a different problem. Correct. Yeah, you've over spent somewhere and that's why you don't have enough. So I feel that to make it work, you shouldn't put too many restrictions on yourself. So, do
you guys mind sharing? How do you handle your finances at home?
My money is her money, her money is her money,
money, money, money is her money. Happy
wife. Happy life.
Yeah. No, but have you also heard about now, people are bringing to light more often about how there is no 50 50 there's no 100 100. Sometimes I'm a 20 you should be the 80 for me or today. I have a little bit more energy, you know, I had a better day. And correct. And so what I can bring to the table is maybe 70. And if all you can bring is 30 that time, but not every day is as realistic as that. Sometimes your days just can't form together. Yeah, even if you put yourself together,
you can't reach 100. Maybe you are 30 today and I'm a 20 together we just, I think with finances, you know, always gonna be a point. Right. But I, I did see sort of like a way to contribute evenly. Right. And that involves some math. So you take each of your incomes, right? Divided by the total of both incomes and you times 100 you get a percentage of how each of you should contribute. Ah, yeah. And then you take your total shared monthly
expenses divided by this percentage. This is how much money in dollars that you should be contributing every month if let's say you have a joint bank account. So it's variable. It's not 50 50 right? But here's the thing, I would never, if anyone who wants to calculate that way. Yeah,
exactly. Like is it
calculate
this every month? Yeah. Well, some people do it and, and, you know, yeah, maybe we're doing it wrong because Singaporeans are very rich. They can buy property, they can buy car and all that. Which baffles me sometimes. But, yeah, I mean, that could be a way to do it. Some people are just comfortable doing that but some people aren't, there are a lot of ways of doing things, a lot of solutions to different sets of problems and all that.
It's just what solution you, you, you adapt to and adopt, I suppose.
Absolutely. There are some, you know, married couples who have given some thoughts about 50 50 marriage. Ok. Someone said it actually doesn't work for me. What I like is the approach where I do the stuff I'm good at and he does the stuff that he's good at and he enjoys, I'm quite happy to do all the cooking. But I, for example, I never put petrol in the car because that's something he likes doing, going to a petrol station looking around the shop and things
like that. And I feel like we both feel we do more than 50% because we do what we love. Yeah, I
like that. And obviously all these things came about because the couple sat down and talked about what they're good at, which means the lines of communication were very open and, and they sat down and talked about it wasn't a no, you do this and they wrote it down on a piece of paper. You know, it literally is a consensus between two understanding individuals.
On that note, someone else says on paper, it's easy to say 50 50 or to assign like traditional roles to each other, right? Like the husband goes to work and the wife stays at home. But this is not always the case in reality, marriage and relationships fail when you confine them to strict rules and I fully agree with that. Yeah, sometimes rules bend and you just have to go with the flow for the marriage to even work
out like the words of Bruce Lee or be like water. Oh, no, really? He, he said that and it applies to everything. You know, if you not like enough to move with the times with different challenges that people face in their lives, you can have this set rules, right? But something changes, things happen like retrenchments like like natural disasters. How are you gonna call what's going to happen? Five
years down the road? You, you can't, you see. So if you can bend like water, then you know, you can adapt and you
sound like you reached enlightenment. Congratulations
when you old.
Ok. I'm looking forward to that, you know, the 50 50 approach, like we say is very unrealistic mostly because how do you even determine that your partner has met you half way? How do you sit and calculate different things? What, what is that 50 to like? How do you, you can't use a calculator. There's no life calculator for that. So it's not possible to determine that. And acceptance of this 50 50 is based on performance, like, let's say you clean the house, right?
That's your 50. But you do a shit job. Yeah, exactly. Is that still meeting your
partner? I vacuum. But I still, I did. That
sucks. Oh my God, it's true. But sometimes like, let's say if I cook, I don't cook. But if I did put my heart and soul into cooking, I would expect that you put your heart and soul into eating like washing the dishes, making
sure that
most times you would be disappointed. I guess I learned this, you know, from living with my partner, right? I usually keep things very clean around the place like, you know, um but guys being guys, they like to throw everything, one underwear here, one t-shirt there and I got upset because I expected him to do the same that I did, which was keep the space clean. But when you have the expectation, you're disappointed.
Again, expectations will ruin everything. So, what
I do is I clean up. Yeah. Yeah. But does it take a toll on you though? No, it's ok. He doesn't mind the messy stuff, but I want it clean and I will do that for him and he does other things for me. I think it was also about picking your battles. Like is he really worth fighting or arguing over something as small as leaving your clothes on the floor or not keeping things. I mean,
there's a bigger picture. I mean, definitely we have our disagreements from time to time, but we do think about like, what's the bigger picture like? Is this gonna affect anything in the future? Is this like cup that's not been washed for like days? Is it gonna affect anything? No, then just leave it. It's ok. I'll just wash it or just remind him, can you please go wash? I'll
throw away the cup. Buy a new one
right there. Remind me to go through your trash bin. Sounds like there's a lot of valuable stuff in there a lot. What was your last argument? I mean, we, yeah,
we don't have major meltdown arguments. Yeah, we we about small, small things healthy actually. Yeah, because once you get out of the way, then it's done already. Yeah. As long as you understand, both points of view, you don't have to agree at the end of an argument, right? I can still think that I'm right and she can still think that she's right. But as long as we see each other's point and we feel it's not unreasonable then.
Yeah. Ok. Let's move on, you know, like I will try to do whatever it takes to make you happier and vice versa as well. She will do the same for me. So
for example, like what what kind of like small, small things like the cup was just a very random, very random. It's not, it's not a true story. Right? What do we bicker about? I don't know, man, it's just like in the moment things like you just don't remember. Actually, this comes with fighting too, right? As couples, you definitely do disagree on things. If one person is always taking it, like the other person is always right and one person is always in the wrong, walking away from an argument.
I don't think that's fair in this situation. I think 50 50 would be a better approach.
Sure. But again, you're trying to put numbers to, to an equation where it really isn't an equation. It's a natural thing where like I said, life happens and different scenarios happen. How do you put numbers to it? Not that I hate numbers, although I hate math. But yeah. Yeah. You know, but like I said, you know, drawing lines and circles and, and adding boundaries to, to your everyday life kind of sucks. You know, I mean, we, we all hate the rules in school.
We all have some disagreements with rules that the government gives you. So we all don't like it. But so when you start doing that in your household, imagine living your whole life with all these set of rules that you don't agree with. It makes you very angry person as well. I feel, yeah, removing certain rules that really don't make a difference to your life, kind of makes things better and you want to be at home, you want to be your kids, you want to be your wife and
sounds like marriage is hard work. I can already think of so many of my friends out there who, like, the wife wants the place to be like, neat and tidy. Right. And she doesn't want to put any pressure on the husband. But if she doesn't, the husband really does not do anything and then all the work will fall on her shoulders and then that's going to be, like, so tough.
But, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's things that people in a relationship should try to work out and, and not get angry with the quantifying what kind of work each other does. Like I said, if your friend really hates a messy house, then she has to make it not
messy or maybe hire a cleaner outsource, always outsource.
It's a very
good when you do have bad days and when you both have bad days and you don't have enough to bring to the table. What happens then? Because while you're having a bad day, sometimes you expect your partner to make it better for you, but they're having a bad day too. Maybe not just you, two, your kids as
well. Yeah, exactly. So, you talk about four very different individuals, all with their own mindset and other things. So, it's almost a perfect ingredients for chaos. But like Jane said, you got to pick your battles. I mean, even if you're having a bad, I've said this from the beginning of my career till now and I practice this on a daily basis. If I'm having a bad day, I'll never go on air and turning on the mic and saying I'm having a terrible day. I'm not gonna
take phone calls. I'm not gonna talk to you. I put it aside and do a good show because that's my job to entertain people and it should be the same in your house as well. Like, but I'm having a bad day. I'm not gonna take it out of her. She's not the reason why I'm having a bad day unless she is like then I'll go out. But yeah, but usually it's not like people like to blame something that happened to them on, on the way they behave. But you don't have to behave like that unless you,
you're dealing with the problem head on then. Yeah, sure. You blow up, you get angry and all that with the problem, not the people around you.
Yeah, I think because we compartmentalize our feelings. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but we do that like if I have a bad day, I don't bring it home. I just leave it and because I know he's not the source, the cause of my bad day. My kids are not the cause of it. So why should they suffer the consequences for it? So I just try to put it aside and just move forward with my day because there's nothing I can do
about it anymore. Just move on. But of course I will run to him and like complain like what I had a really bad day, this happened, that happened, but he will just listen and you know, after that just move on because there's no point in harping and like, just throwing everything on him, it just makes him feel bad at the end of the day. That's true. Your partner is not your emotional punching bag at the end of the day. So renting is quite nice. Anything anyone wants to rent about
www dot R dot com?
Ok. I feel like we have heard so much from like Vernon and Jean. But girls, what about you? We have been in a few relationships. What are some of the good habits that we think we will bring to our marriage next time? From your vast relationship experience? I'm sorry, any good habits or one or two that not to do? I think I'm a very happy person. You are, darling. You are. And I think that in itself, I save you a little headache. You know, of which, like, nothing
is really too big an issue. Nothing is insurmountable. Yeah, I think I've seen this somewhere. I read somewhere of which they said, like, the first thing that you need to have your partner is empathy and I think when you don't have that, uh, of which you can't at least feel for what they're feeling or what they're going through because, like, in the case of the messy. Right. She doesn't like the house messy, she cleaned up
because she's the one who can't stand it. But if the partner knew that she gets upset by a messy house, as much as I don't care if it's messy, you would do a little bit. You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's a two way street. It cannot be just. How about you?
For me, at this point in my life, I think being happy is the most important. If certain lifestyle habits don't align, I would say don't push it before you step into marriage. Recognize that and see if you want to take a step back or if you can accept it and just, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't
do it because your friends are doing it because your BT O is coming. You know, those are just bad reasons to commit to a relationship. And I taught you this lesson the first time I met you and obviously you don't remember it. I think the most important lesson that anyone can learn and I think not enough people do it is to listen, be open to listening. Don't, you know, be in your own world. And not pay attention to
what's going on around you. Especially from your partner, because the minute you start listening to your partner, then you will know what is a bothering her, what she likes, what the conversation that interests her is about. All you need to do is just listen, you don't even have to participate. You don't even have to have mind blowing comments about anything as long as you are listening and you're understanding what your partner is trying to say. Then half the battle is won.
You can move on from there and do things in your life that you feel will be meaningful to yourself and for your partner as well. I wasn't listening.
No recollection. Are you? Yes.
Yes. You, you still not married
me in five years. Ok. This statement, right? This is quite a big statement. It pertains to marriage, but maybe not so much of the 50 50 but it's a big debate is love enough for marriage. Oh my gosh, that you love
each other. What I think there are too many external forces of nature that surround two people in a relationship. You know what if we were in love with each other? But her parents violently objected to us getting married. You know, that would have been a problem. And if we decided to ourselves, let's elope now because we love each other and let's just forget about our parents. It's going to come back one day and bite you in the ass because, you know, obviously her parents being
her parents, she's gonna miss her parents. But love is part of the major ingredient for, for a successful marriage or, or a successful relationship. But I don't think it's the only thing you, you can, you know, look at before you get into a relationship or you get married. I
have to say, I agree though. Like love alone cannot sustain a marriage or relationship, reality habits, finances phase of life, everything else comes into play. And you just got to recognize as much as like being in love is a happy feeling. But these other factors also will come in and like you said, the s so clearly serious thought has
to be given. No. Imagine we love each other but she's terrible and very mean to my mom hypothesizing, right? Because you're in love, I tell myself no, no, no, I love her too much. I'm going to get in a relationship again. It's gonna come back and, you know, eventually one day you will fall out of love because of problems like that. So
love can only bring you this far, like 2030 years of marriage. There's still love there. But is it gonna be I
love money? But i it doesn't fall from the sky from me.
You marry money.
Yeah, I will put in
money maintaining this like sense of fairness in marriage. It may not even be, you know, you want it to be fair. Like, like Vernon and Jane have said, throw that whole rulebook out. Don't think about it as 50 50 don't think about it as you both have to contribute some sort of, you know, equal amount. Right. So, what would you say to people that, you know, are struggling with that in a relationship or in a marriage? Even? Maybe one person is constantly contributing way more than the other.
They just, they're just stuck in that mindset, right? But
they still want this marriage, they still want this family. Yeah, I think you just have to let go of the expectations, the ideas that you have that you hold and expect that your partner is going to do this, contribute that I feel it's just really unhealthy for yourself and for your partner because after that, you're just going to start manifesting it in your actions and it will just in everything that you do, like you start throwing temper and like, you know, you will be so angry as
a person and you will be so unpleasant to be around, right? And your partner will definitely see that. And then, you know, it just has so many like consequences just because of something you cannot let go, like such as your expectations. It's very easy for us to say just let go, right. But to do it is another thing. So it takes a lot of mental training, a lot of thinking a lot of time to change your perspective in order to let go of your expectations of you
manifest is the buzzword for 2023 Manifest. But, but yeah, no, I mean, like you really got to find out what the root of your problem is. What is that thing that you dislike about your relationship? And then ask yourself whether is that something I'm willing to, you know, overcome, you know, forget about like, get over all. I will not compromise on my principles. And I have to be steadfast and protect this thing that I really want. And if your partner disagrees, then you really have to
think about your relationship. I mean, you know, there's no two ways about it because if you're going to be stubborn, then stubbornness is a brick wall, you're just going to keep running against a brick wall. And if you cannot do that for the rest of your life, you're gonna get
injured. Actually. In fact, I do think if you take a bigger picture at it, right. Your mindset about this whole like marriage, 50 50 100 100 whatever it is, this could also be a misalignment. This could cause you to break up. It, it's the same as I want kids. I don't want kids. It's a very big thing because it applies to all parts
of your relationship. No, I was gonna also add on that mindset like principles and ideas on that will change. It's one thing one day and 5, 10 years down the road, it can be something else. And this is where love comes in because if the love is very strong and you really love this person, then your ideals can change. It's not set in stone. It's
really what you're willing or unwilling to do. That really determines whether you, you're in a good relationship or a good marriage or Thank you Confucius.
Yeah. So before we wrap up this episode, right? I just want to share some quotes um by some people out there that I feel like can help marriages. This person called Gary Chapman once said that marriages are in a perpetual state of transition, continually moving from one season to another, perhaps not annually as in nature, but certainly and consistently. And the cycle repeats itself many times throughout
the life of a marriage. So just be prepared that you have to go through the same thing again and again, then it's up to your mindset and how you want to handle this situation, right? That's your dedication to spending a life together, right? And marriage may not always be 50 50 but divorce is 50 50. So think about that. No,
it's not actually depending on the circumstance. Yeah.
So with that, thank you so much, Brendan and Jane for joining us for this episode of slash podcast.
Thank you for having us. It's not every day that I sit next to a beautiful woman like so many years
like that. So, you know,
I
he's a serious guy. He's not funny at all. Well, thank you so much for tuning in and if you want to check out their beautiful faces, you know, come on to youtube. Follow us on Instagram at is Clav dot co for latest updates. That's right. You can listen to us on me, listen, Apple Podcast as well as Spotify and turn on your notifications. Ok? Thanks guys. Thank you so much.