Okay, welcome to the podcast. I'm Manon and I'm here with the honey Melanie Andrea and yes Okay Am I the jerk for reporting my friend's sexual relationship with the TA at university?
with Have a friend who I have a class with this semester, she's a really kind and beautiful person I always thought she was the type to have a great moral compass Anyway, we have the same TA that teaches a separate section for our main class right off the bat a Ton of people thought she was super cute and began to flirt with him during class My friend let's call her Anna seemed especially uninterested and even made fun of the girls who were literally throwing themselves at him
The semester went on and even though Anna never was interested It seemed like the TA himself was growing more and more fond of her Anna was doing extremely well in the class and she stood out as one of the smartest students So he regularly praised her for her work and even wrote cute little compliments on her essay I noticed that he would also try to talk to her a lot before and during class Since Anna is really nice. She engaged him and they seem to hit it off
Soon Anna had nothing but good things to say about him. She was always going on about how nice and funny he is
It was pretty obvious. She was starting to develop a crush We joked a couple times about her sleeping with him and she always said she'd never end that they were just flirty About two months later, we were walking back from a party with a small group of girls and she was pretty drunk One girl noticed that she kept messaging someone and asked her who it was and Anna blurted out that the name of our TA
Shocked I asked her why she was messaging him and she just giggled and said that he wanted her to come over to her Department, but she didn't want to but she didn't want to because she was so drunk The other girls not really realizing who it was thought it was so funny and continued teasing her asking if he was cute
Another girl asked if she'd slept with him yet and Anna said yeah a couple of times. I was just completely taken aback by that That was last weekend I texted her about it the day after and she admitted that it was true and it started happening
Last month, she said it was nothing serious and they're just having fun. I didn't really respond Well, I sat on it for a couple of days and talked with a few of my close friends about it Most of them told me to report the incident to the professor or department chair Because it's a serious violation and that she won't get in any trouble only the TA will I sent an email to my professor about it last night leaving out Anna's name and only saying who the TA was
He responded this morning and said that it was indeed an incredibly serious violation and that he would like to have a meeting with me In the department chair sometime this week It all got really serious all of a sudden and I don't know why but I feel like I messed up really badly I don't know what I was expecting, but this just made me feel like a jerk for some reason Edith should probably add that we're second years and the TA is a first year grad student. So probably 22 to 24
So what do you guys thought? Not the asshole. No, no I don't know. It's would even be on the page to be honest. This is like an obviously like not the asshole. She did the right thing A teacher sleeping with their student There's obviously a power imbalance Yeah, it's not like she's a teacher. She's a teacher. She's a teacher Like there's obviously a power imbalance. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's not really ethical for like a TA to be sleeping with like
You know like um, I think you mentioned that there were like second year students, right? Yeah Yeah, and like she's obviously way younger too So of course she's gonna be more naive about like how he's gonna approach that relationship like becky said like, you know this huge like power like In balance, that's not good. Plus he's gonna be grading her papers through like what?
It even says they have like seminars and videos saying that they shouldn't do that so So he definitely knew he shouldn't be doing that Someone oh my god, okay someone said this person is And they said He shouldn't have done it. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like this is the main issue why you reported it I don't know, but that's how it sounds. Are you serious when your computer Because she's mad that she wasn't The one getting
Risky with it. Really? Yeah, i'm reading in the comments too I'm like some of them are like trying to justify the situation and like make the poster As like, you know the villain in this situation I think she's acting like reasonably that someone older is taking advantage of her friend Yeah She even went to like other people to ask them Like what she should do She didn't just like I'm sorry continue No, I was just gonna say like She didn't just like come out and like tell the professor
She actually she got like advice as well. So exactly Someone said everyone is Because the teacher shouldn't have done it the friend shouldn't have done it and the person shouldn't have reported it It says You're you say you're your friend, but you didn't give her the option to go to anyone herself You all think she was gonna go to somebody I think she would have gone to somebody Had he done her dirty like I think her friend like, you know had the choice to get in a relationship with him
Um, like we actually we still have to consider that this girl is still very young She's not going to know any better I wouldn't blame the friend at all in this situation. The only person who wasn't involved in this situation is Because I know better Yes I definitely don't think that the person the poster is In the wrong for even reporting it because they didn't say their friend's name exactly So how is the friend putting in any harm's way for this motion of action?
Yeah That's crazy Okay, you guys ready for the next one Yeah, and a link are we taking turns reading or Um, if you guys want to read you can am I the asshole community? Yeah, yes, oh wait you guys can hear me yes, yeah, okay, okay First step son money not the evil Nor do I feel like people who write these things are narcissists
I'm not a narcissist. Probably some of them are some of them definitely Can I read yeah, you can read all right Am I the jerk for not giving my son's step son money for university when I have for all my other grandkids I have three kids my husband and I work so hard to raise them and get them to be productive adults and they are
I'm proud of all three. They were great kids and they've become pretty good adults if I do say so myself When my oldest daughter remarried Remarried, I'm sorry a widower who already had a two-year-old child My husband and I put money into an education fund We did the same for every biological grandchild We know a little bit about investing in compound interest by Starting early we can invert invest a little bit each month and by the time they graduate high school
We were able to provide each one with enough money to for a good start in life My oldest grandchild just graduated from high school We were able to let them know that after scholarships and everything were taken into account. They would be graduating debt-free We don't give them the money We don't give them any money. We pay for tuition and fees and such
We learned our lesson from our youngest our only son. We give him the money Like we had for his two older sisters We had scholarships as well But he knew through the money He we gave him and chose to become a trans Trat Trans person instead trade person I don't even know what i'm reading right now. I kind of just zone out and like read the words I see He does very well and now owns his own successful business He was married But it didn't work out. We had to pay for the school
It didn't work out. We have two grandkids from that marriage Last year, he married a very nice woman who has a 15 year old son
She had him very young and it caused a rift in their family. None of them became even came to the wedding Um, my son approached us about money for his stepson's education after my husband and I discussed it We said that we could afford to give him five thousand dollars to help but that was it My son is very disappointed He knows that all my other grandkids have enough money in their accounts to pay for at least two and a half years of in-state tuition and expenses
He makes good money, but he also likes to spend it on toys and vacations
I don't think that him or my daughter-in-law have anything put away for his stepson. That is why we offered the five thousand dollars My son and his wife are planning ahead for when he graduates in june And they are still complaining that i'm treating him different from our other grandkids I know that we are but we didn't have almost two decades to save for him That's five thousand came out of my fund for when I need to replace my car
Edit my son and daughter-in-law are not spending their money on toys and vacations I may have put that badly The reason that my son doesn't have a lot of savings to pay for his stepson is because he's not going to be able to afford it The reason that my son doesn't have a lot of savings to pay for his son's education is because of how he chose to spend his money
Prior to getting married. I hope that is clear now edit two I have talked to my husband and son My son wants me to take money from all the accounts and make one for his stepson what We counter offer to split the two accounts we have for his biological children into three and split the five thousand into them And we will continue to contribute the accounts until they get used. He seems unhappy with that option What is he doing his entitlement from?
No, thank you Yeah, this is my take on it like of course like I
I go to school on scholarship. My parents didn't even save anything for me Like I have to work my way up like educate like get my education For me is like I think it's like it's a privilege in general just to even receive money for college so like I think their son is very entitled like unaware that you know, it is a privilege that you know His parents were able to even like save money for his other children and like his other kids and nephews
They like was they didn't have enough time to save that amount of money for their stepson that You know, they just married Yeah, yeah, like they had like a decade they gladly like How are you asking For a child that you yourself don't have funds for Exactly
You're their parent not your grandparents. I was like, I thought they were even happy with like five grand. I'm like It's like, you know five grand would so benefit his step kid a lot even in in-state tuition I would just take that money and you know, at least try to find Other ways to help fund these this kid's college education and plus you might do the realistic thing that almost everyone else does Which is get a load exactly Most parents wouldn't even do that
Honestly, yeah, my mom was down. I know that for sure. That's crazy I'm even lucky. I even got her scholarship. If not, I was not being called Exactly exactly Ridiculous Wouldn't it Oh, can I read this one? Sure Sure Okay Am I the jerk for telling my boyfriend he can't go to university? I
19 female i'm currently in college studying an access course to go to uni next year. My boyfriend a 24 male Works in a warehouse He has a child and I have a child both from previous relationships and we're in an okay place financially He's been to uni twice for different courses and dropped out because he got bored of them Since I started taking since I've started the process of going to uni He's been constantly talking about him doing uni too
But because he's done two courses we would have to pay out of pocket for his uni his uni, which would cost about 9 000 pounds a year Yeah, he also has told me that he doesn't know what he would want To do for definite. I told him that if he wants to go back to university then I need a guarantee that it's something That he wants to do but also that he needs to wait until after I finish university
Because I think it's not possible financially and with two children. It would be tough on both of us He thinks I'm making it unfair and he should be able to go back to uni So am I the jerk for not wanting him to go to uni until we have more spare income after i've got a job And he's sure on what he wants to do Tld my boyfriend wants to go to uni, but he dropped out twice already He doesn't know what he wants to do and I want him to wait until i'm finished with uni and I have a better job
He most definitely not He's being so unrealistic Yeah You're like let's do it You're like Yeah So for him like during this from like, you know i'm thinking like for example, like my brother like had like Isn't basically in like a similar spot, you know, he has a kid And like, you know, he still has desire to like go to school But even he knows realistically that he cannot go back to like college
And so he has a more stable income and more like flexible time to even do school because he already knew From his past experiences That if he dropped out and like, you know, he still had to pay out of pocket, you know, it's a very expensive decision to even go back Like just to want to go in just because your girlfriend's in and you don't even have an idea for your future You're just gambling your life away And it's not worth risking
I actually want to mention like, you know, like 9 000 something pounds like i'm not here about and that's Just for him. That's crazy Seven thousand dollars In us dollars because what how much is it in us dollars?
Eleven thousand. Oh my god. Yeah Because what happens he pays the tuition right and then he drops out again Mm-hmm Like he should probably just look for like, you know a cheaper way to go to school like i'm not sure if like colleges over there and like the The op's country like has like something similar to college or something or like even like online classes like something that's doable for him Or he doesn't have to pay that But even then like
We don't really know like the type of person this guy is but like just to lose posi-lan I just See that he's just very impulsive with his decision making Very much. Oh my god Oh
I saw this one. I don't know if you guys want to read that one or not. I can read this one. All right Okay Okay Am I the uh a hole for indirectly telling my friend that no one will ever love her Um I 23 well have been with my Uh, i'm 27 boyfriend For two years and he recently proposed I then had a weekend brunch with my friends They all wanted to know about it and started asking about my wedding plans. A lot of them are married
So they were giving advice on a few things. It was all going well until my friend alicia F33 Noticed my necklace and asked me about it My fiance also gave me a necklace with my future initials on it when he proposed my first name and his last name He started discussing in the past and I loved the idea of sharing his last name
The woman I told it was a gift from him. Alicia started berating my fiance for upholding Outdated cultural beliefs and that he must be really controlling and possessive Acclaimed that I wanted to take his last name after marriage and she still continued She told him that this necklace is like a dog collar and he's trying to claim that i'm misrapelling I should feel insulted for such a misogynistic present at this one
I lost him so well, you should be glad because no one ever claimed you in such a patriarchal Fashion she started crying and left my friends agreed to me that she's being extremely insulting But few of them said I should still apologize because alicia the source what? Marriage is a sore spot for alicia as she's held as a group and unmarried nowhere ever shamed her father But she has cried out a few friends weddings
So I might have asked for for interrupting saying that nobody will marry her. He has English Okay, um I don't know why the friend felt the need to say all that About her taking his last name But I feel like there was a better way to say it. I still feel like both of them are slightly in the wrong
Like yeah, I've never said something like that. She should have said hey just back off leave me alone Instead of saying no one will ever love you And like her friend also like overreacted Like, you know some people do so
Um take their husband's last name. Some people don't You know, it really should not be a big deal as it is Yeah, I mean What saying that she's fine with it, but she kept like Mm-hmm You know like her friend was going too far But like her she also couldn't have said that I think they're both for very immature in this situation Yeah, I feel like From what I'm reading it seems like there's a lot of things that are unsaid maybe in this Yeah, I'm feeling these
I don't know the way she's writing about lisa just kind of like seems like they just don't like her Yeah I think they're in the friend group Which when you're in your 30s or preaching your 30s, then why are you still doing this? Yeah
It's like we're people who are 20s. Yeah, we still know better like If the friend group mutually agrees that this person is toxic that you know You just move on with your life But these people just seem like they're keeping alicia around for company despite them not enjoying her presence exactly Strange Yeah, what she said I just want to do one We do what one more One more story Yeah Jasmine do you want to read it? Okay, I was just waiting when the time was for me to read it
Uh, you only read this one that you recently sent? Yeah. Oh the one that we oh, okay Okay Uh, yeah, let me just open up the link Oh, this is a long one It doesn't seem so long, okay Am I the a-hole for not telling my friend the real university I applied to I 17 female am a high school student in my senior year who attends on going to university in the united states
Background knowledge for people who aren't familiar with the u.s. Application system Application deadline for the early round was november and decisions were released around mid december If we apply early decision to a certain university, then we have attend if we are if we are accepted Hence students can only apply to a single early decision school Since the beginning of the school year in september every single student had been asking others about where they're applying to
Apparently the reason why people do this is to avoid applying to the same university as The competitive applicants who are at the top of their class since people think there is A high school quota My school gives an award to the students who are the top of their class at the end at the end of their class Or the top of their class at the end at the end of each year and I am one of them Several months earlier I had decided on applying early decision to school b
And this is what I told people including friend a whenever they asked me However, I suddenly changed my mind and decided to apply to school c A week before the application deadline and didn't tell anyone because I didn't think I would get in Here is where the conflict arises friend a also applied to school c
For the past few months. He kept asking me which university I will Be applying to because he did not want to apply to the same One as me he thinks I had a stronger application because I had a higher standardized testin score and gpa But he is really good, too When the decisions were released I was surprised to find out that I got in Unfortunately friend a did not get in I didn't tell anyone in my school that I got in but my university counselor had posted about my acceptance to school
C on the social media platform friend a saw this and became furious I apologized to him about not Telling him that I made a last minute change and that it was wrong. It was wrong of me to not update him However friend a is blaming me for his rejection Slash deferral. He said that he would have gotten in if I didn't apply and that he would have Not he would have not applied to the school c if he had known that I would apply to
Up to today. He is still incredibly mad and has been badmouthing me to all my classmates Notes Note schools b and c are both top 10 universities and I currently attend an international school Am I the asshole?
Edit one. Sorry. I made a mistake about the existence of a school quota Several commenters clarified that colleges don't set a limit on the number of students from each high school They can accept edit two I made the change because I realized I wanted to go to school c way more than school b My counselor also spoke to me with the other ones at my high school and told me my profile was more suitable for school c as well
I didn't tell anyone I changed because it would have been a waste of time to update every single student who asked me about my Early decision in school only to get rejected I generally didn't think I would not I would get in not only because of the sheer complexity of admissions decisions But also because my high school is rumored to have been blacklisted by several colleges The last time someone got into this university was back in 2019 So in my
Personal opinion, I don't think they're the asshole. I think that um I don't think it was because of the admissions that uh of their of her standardized testing I think it's because the schools do pick out which is more suitable for their college and also who has the better standardized testing score But it's but I don't think she's the I don't think she's the asshole for not telling her friends because some people will
Go after you for the school that they're that you know your friends like they'll sometimes go after you for the for colleges And that actually happens sometimes that actually happens a lot of a lot of people a lot of friends They would try to like sabotage their applications their friends applications so they would get into the school So that actually happens quite commonly So I don't I don't think she's the asshole in this particular situation
The friend is definitely the asshole because they're bad-mouthing and they're also mad at a personal decision that she made for herself so Right, yeah, like This is her school is like something she has to live with for like a while so It's better for her to pick a college that she likes rather than stick with one that she didn't feel like she's suited exactly Yeah, and like in my opinion like coming from like a person who did like apply
During the cycle because this is around two years ago, so I would have been probably roughly around the same age as these kids Like honestly, I think the friend is just being a jerk straight up and like you've done
I read in the comments. It seems like they're like friends, but they're not even like close friends like that So he's basically bad-mouthing a girl that he's friendly with for no reason just because she was more successful Them and got a spot that he thought that he deserved In reality, someone like that does not deserve a spot in a top 10 school at all for their behavior like that It's like you're seeing image turn childish Not like they're seniors in high school
But you know the way he's acting is ridiculous and that's not a quality that most schools want in their students And plus like if he didn't get in she got in they're both from the same school It just shows that she was just a better applicant in the end. So why is he blaming her like basically?
like they're blaming them for Just like for taking away their spot But in reality, I think most schools don't even care about what high school even go to as long as you like prove yourself And like your resume and your application that you're a fit like a fitting well-fitting student for their like school Right, yeah And he doesn't even seem to like No, he's not like serious about the school because he said he he keeps saying he would have picked a different school
So I don't see why yeah, like why is it such a big deal? We didn't really care about it originally I think he kept saying care about it just like these months and that's because he thought he was gonna get in and you know Like, you know, he didn't want to protect his ego But once his ego was father when he was rejected and he saw that his classmate his friend actually got in
Despite him like thinking they weren't gonna get in at all. I think that just crushed his ego So now he's like talking bad about Okay, despite them not doing anything wrong Yeah, yeah But definitely the girl is not the asshole just that the guy is literally The asshole for getting mad for something that basically wasn't her fault in fact, he probably like have like a lower like he probably uh Thought that he did well
But he probably didn't meet the school requirements or some stuff because like, you know, you have to have the certain requirements of the school for the school Even then standardized testing scores can only get you so far like other things like volunteering
Or like, you know internships things like that. Those things count too. In fact, often they play an even bigger role In like your application so like if he didn't do like the same things that you know, op did of course he wasn't gonna get because he He focused more on like the academic side than other than you know, the other side That you know schools care about which is like, yeah, right
like what if like, you know, they did good on like the schooling and stuff like that, but let's say like I know like for example, like the bright futures, I know they required like Um volunteer hours. What if the school required volunteer hours and he didn't have any?
Yeah, I think that's true as someone who had to do like volunteer hours or like bright future Honestly, I think it was really just something that just benefited like my applications to multiple schools Even if they were like out of state they saw me doing like more than 100 hours They're like, oh this person like really cares about their community and things like that if he Like for like other people I know who did not put the amount of effort
They were directed for like a lot of schools because they just focus on like academics They just focus on like the academics. So, um, like in florida schools, I think they care about the academic part a lot more And like my personal opinion when it came to the application cycle, I still think they still cared about other groups. You did like extracurricular Yeah, that's also true Also, I was looking through the comments and it seemed like they're just getting it seemed like they're
Thinking that she's in the wrong for not telling them. I'm like, no, she's not in the wrong. She's allowed to let that she's not allowed to tell anyone like she's like he has her own like Like she doesn't if she doesn't want to tell anyone that she doesn't want to tell anyone But like isn't it a little weird that the school the university that you got up that you got accepted to um Aren't they not supposed to like say that oh you got in
Like on social media was her school like the school that she's currently attending Yeah, I was like counselor. I imagine they Like very like a lot of international schools are pretty prestigious so I It's it's it said her, you know, it said the university council that she was going to Uh put it on their social media platform Oh oh Yeah, so that's why i'm like isn't like aren't you not supposed to do that?
Because I don't think you're supposed to do that because it says here that I didn't tell anyone in my school that I got in But my university counselor had posted about my acceptance to school c on his social media platform Oh university counselor, so it's not the university. I think in this case this would be like, you know They're you know, like guidance counselor here
Like they go to international school. So I imagine it's basically Um their guidance counselor being proud of the girl and posting it on his social media, even though I still think that's odd and I remember like they like, you know, I know like in The high school that someone went through But then you know, they still like did things like celebrate like kids that got like, you know Really big schools like, you know stanford or like uf like they had like, you know the top sand ceremonies
But never they posted anything like that on social media that could breach potentially the students Privacy like no essentially privacy like who knows like a dog can look they're like
Oh like this girl is going to some school like who knows what happened. That's like another issue. We didn't even Like we glossed over it, too I don't like Okay I can kind of see why they think that she'd be the asshole because she didn't tell her friend and she knew it was her friends like quote unquote dream school or whatever But I really obligated to tell anybody I think the fact that she told him like she left out with that I don't think she is at all. I Either what I see?
Like I can kind of see the argument. There's that's the only thing that you could really say for the opposite side is that All her friend told her and she wouldn't have applied anyways Yeah, but she's not even like They're not even friends they like have the same classes and like talk to each other and pass They're not even, no not at all They're more like school friends like I had like a good amount of friends that were just school friends, you know friends you don't talk to outside of school
Yeah Yeah, even like she had no like obligations at all Not obligated at all. She did not owe him anything the fact that she told him
Well, it was she got lucky. He got lucky with that He was I think he was definitely intimidated by her like her education That is he knew that her record was clean And he didn't want any chances none he wanted jeopardize his shot and guess what he still didn't get it deserved And I highly doubt one person will make a difference on his like Acceptance because there's multiple people in the world that are probably applying at the same time It's not like this is the last spot ever like
Or they're going head-to-head making it a competition for no reason. Yeah I kind of wish they gave us an update on the girl and her friend because I would like to know the update but I will say there's a lot of comments say that she's basically the asshole kind of And I was like, she's not the asshole. You guys are just dicks. I'm like you guys are just dicks Which is so weird Which is so weird
Which is a lot of what redditors are they're dying to hold. Yep All right, so is that all Um, yeah Yes, I gotta do that you guys want to do that You're so funny right now She's so silly So we collectively as a group have to say something Well, I said what I already Okay, adios muchachos. All right, that's your outro