Is there something at work that you wish you felt more
Fay Wallis:confident about, that you hold yourself back from doing because you just
Fay Wallis:feel too nervous or scared about it?
Fay Wallis:Perhaps you know that rationally it's something you can do, but in the moment of
Fay Wallis:doing it, your emotions take over and you want to get yourself outta the situation.
Fay Wallis:Straight away so you can feel better again if that is how you're feeling.
Fay Wallis:You are not alone.
Fay Wallis:None of us feels supremely confident about everything, but luckily there are lots of
Fay Wallis:different confidence building techniques that you can try and I've covered
Fay Wallis:lots of them on the podcast before, so I'll make sure that I put links to.
Fay Wallis:All the other episodes that look at confidence in the show notes and
Fay Wallis:in the YouTube description for you.
Fay Wallis:But for now, I'm really excited to share a confidence building tip with
Fay Wallis:you that really helped me last week, even though I've been a bit skeptical
Fay Wallis:when I first heard about it, because it had seemed like a bit of a weird idea.
Fay Wallis:In fact, I suppose many confidence building tips feel a bit strange, but they
Fay Wallis:do often work and I'm hopeful that by me.
Fay Wallis:Sharing this slightly weird sounding confidence tip with you if you try it
Fay Wallis:to, that it's gonna help you, like it has helped me, especially in those high
Fay Wallis:pressure moments where your confidence just isn't where you would like it to be.
Fay Wallis:If we haven't met before.
Fay Wallis:Hello, it's wonderful to have you here.
Fay Wallis:I'm Fay Wallis and I specialize in empowering HR and people professionals to
Fay Wallis:have successful and fulfilling careers.
Fay Wallis:Through this HR Coffee time podcast, my inspiring HR leadership program.
Fay Wallis:And the essential HR planner.
Fay Wallis:Let's dive into today's confidence building technique.
Fay Wallis:I first read about it in the absolutely brilliant book Chatter, the voice in
Fay Wallis:our head, and how to harness it by Dr. Ethan Kross, who is a professor
Fay Wallis:of Psychology and management.
Fay Wallis:In the book, he explains a concept called distanced self-talk.
Fay Wallis:This means that instead of talking to yourself in the first person by using
Fay Wallis:the word I and saying things like.
Fay Wallis:I can do this.
Fay Wallis:I'm going to be fine.
Fay Wallis:You talk to yourself in the third person, which means you use your own name.
Fay Wallis:So for me as my name's Fay, it would be something like, Fay, you can do this.
Fay Wallis:Fay, you're gonna be absolutely fine.
Fay Wallis:Because Ethan Kross found in his research that using your own
Fay Wallis:name creates emotional distance.
Fay Wallis:It makes you feel like you're talking to another person when
Fay Wallis:you're actually talking to yourself.
Fay Wallis:And that little bit of distance can be incredibly powerful.
Fay Wallis:In his research, he looked at things like public speaking, which let's be honest,
Fay Wallis:terrifies most of us unless it's a skill.
Fay Wallis:We've really had the opportunity to practice a lot, and he
Fay Wallis:found that people who use this distance, self-taught technique
Fay Wallis:felt calmer and performed better.
Fay Wallis:When I first read about it, I wasn't sure about the idea of talking
Fay Wallis:to myself in this way, but then I found myself in a situation where my
Fay Wallis:confidence had completely vanished.
Fay Wallis:I was starting to feel panicky and it suddenly popped into
Fay Wallis:my head as something to try.
Fay Wallis:So I'll tell you all about it, but I should say that my example
Fay Wallis:of building my confidence using this distant self-talk technique
Fay Wallis:isn't actually in a work context.
Fay Wallis:And I normally just talk about work on this show, but I can't wait to
Fay Wallis:try it out with a work thing next.
Fay Wallis:And I wanted to share it with you because I found it so incredibly helpful.
Fay Wallis:The one place where my confidence is at, its.
Fay Wallis:Absolute lowest is driving on motorways.
Fay Wallis:I've never been hugely confident about motorway driving.
Fay Wallis:I'm not really sure why I enjoy regular driving on normal
Fay Wallis:roads that aren't motorways.
Fay Wallis:It could be because of the fact that I saw some quite bad accidents
Fay Wallis:when I used to drive from London to Bristol when I was much younger and
Fay Wallis:I was first at university, but I'm really not sure what the reason is.
Fay Wallis:And in recent years, my fear of driving on motorways has got worse and worse
Fay Wallis:to the point where I almost felt like it was becoming a bit of a phobia.
Fay Wallis:I tried everything I could think of to feel less scared
Fay Wallis:and more confident about it.
Fay Wallis:I even had hypnotherapy, which helped a tiny bit, but not as
Fay Wallis:much as I'd have liked it to.
Fay Wallis:I tried having my husband, who I totally trust and who's a very
Fay Wallis:confident motorway driver sitting next to me in the car, giving me advice,
Fay Wallis:reassuring and encouraging me while trying to keep me calm while I was on
Fay Wallis:the motorway, and it was interesting to hear his thoughts about it.
Fay Wallis:Afterwards he told me that I'm a completely competent driver.
Fay Wallis:I know what to do, but in the moment of being on the motorway, I seem to lose
Fay Wallis:all faith in myself and I start to panic.
Fay Wallis:It gotta the point where I started thinking, you know what, maybe I'll
Fay Wallis:just stop driving on motorways.
Fay Wallis:I hate the way I feel whenever I do it.
Fay Wallis:It's just getting too scary.
Fay Wallis:But I suddenly remembered what I'd read in the book Chatter, and I thought.
Fay Wallis:Well, maybe I'll test this distant self talk thing and see how I get on.
Fay Wallis:What have I got to lose?
Fay Wallis:So last week I had to drive to Worthing, which is only about an
Fay Wallis:hour and a quarter away from me.
Fay Wallis:Claire Cathcart, who you might know of, she has an HR community
Fay Wallis:called Elevate, had invited me to be a guest on a mini series that
Fay Wallis:she's creating about careers in hr.
Fay Wallis:I really wanted to do it, and I knew there were two ways I could get there.
Fay Wallis:I could drive on the A roads.
Fay Wallis:Or I could drive on the dreaded motorway.
Fay Wallis:So I thought, okay, I'm going to try starting off on the motorway and I'm going
Fay Wallis:to use the distant self-talk technique.
Fay Wallis:But if I feel myself getting anxious and just not feeling confident, if I
Fay Wallis:start worrying that I'm going to have an accident or that I can't overtake a L in
Fay Wallis:the inside lane, which I always get really nervous about, I'll just pull off and I'll
Fay Wallis:drive on the A roads the rest of the way.
Fay Wallis:So I had a backup plan that I was pretty happy with.
Fay Wallis:I started driving and when I came up to a lorry that was going really slowly and
Fay Wallis:I needed to overtake it, I started using the distance self-talk technique and
Fay Wallis:talking to myself in the third person.
Fay Wallis:So I started talking to myself out loud and saying things like.
Fay Wallis:Come on, Fay.
Fay Wallis:You can do it.
Fay Wallis:You're doing so well.
Fay Wallis:Just keep going.
Fay Wallis:Fay, you're going to be so proud of yourself.
Fay Wallis:You're doing such a great job, Fay.
Fay Wallis:It's brilliant that you are even giving it a try.
Fay Wallis:Just think you're going to get to Claire's and do the interview, and you'll be so
Fay Wallis:pleased you got that on the most way.
Fay Wallis:And I found myself feeling calmer than I can.
Fay Wallis:Ever remember feeling when I'm next to a lorry on a motorway, and I managed to
Fay Wallis:overtake it, which felt like a huge win.
Fay Wallis:As soon as I did overtake it, I made sure I carried on talking to myself
Fay Wallis:with things like, well done, Fay.
Fay Wallis:You did such a brilliant job, Fay.
Fay Wallis:That was absolutely brilliant.
Fay Wallis:Keep going.
Fay Wallis:I felt a bit ridiculous talking to myself like that out loud,
Fay Wallis:and I was very grateful.
Fay Wallis:There was no one else in the car to hear me, but I couldn't believe it.
Fay Wallis:It was actually working, and it meant that I got.
Fay Wallis:All the way there on the motorway.
Fay Wallis:It was the least stressed and worried and most confident I'd felt about
Fay Wallis:driving on a motorway in about 20 years.
Fay Wallis:If you are thinking, there's no way you are going to start talking to
Fay Wallis:yourself out loud, especially if you're in a work setting, then don't worry.
Fay Wallis:You don't have to.
Fay Wallis:In the book, Ethan Kross explains that it can be effective when talking to
Fay Wallis:yourself in your head instead of out loud.
Fay Wallis:But as there was no one in that car with me, I thought I'd go for it and
Fay Wallis:that I might find it easier to convince myself I was okay if I said these
Fay Wallis:things out loud instead of in my head.
Fay Wallis:So I thought, I've got to share this with you because there are so many things we
Fay Wallis:worry about or feel stressed or panicky about at work times when we just don't
Fay Wallis:have full confidence in ourselves.
Fay Wallis:And I think this distant self-taught technique could be a really great tool
Fay Wallis:to try to help build your confidence.
Fay Wallis:In the moment for many of them.
Fay Wallis:Two things I immediately thought of when trying to decide what examples could
Fay Wallis:be useful for trying out the distant self-taught technique are if you have
Fay Wallis:a job interview or when you have to present in a meeting or at a work event.
Fay Wallis:So if we think about the job interview situation, before you walk into that
Fay Wallis:interview room, you could stand in the corridor or sit in your car and
Fay Wallis:talk to yourself in the third person.
Fay Wallis:For example, if it was me, I could say, Fay, you've prepared really well for this.
Fay Wallis:You know your stuff.
Fay Wallis:You are gonna do a brilliant job.
Fay Wallis:And when you leave the interview, you can carry on with the pep talk
Fay Wallis:saying things like, well done Fay.
Fay Wallis:I know you were nervous about that interview, but you did it.
Fay Wallis:You gave some great answers to the questions.
Fay Wallis:Fay.
Fay Wallis:I think this could help stop the confidence spiral that can hit
Fay Wallis:us straight after we've had an interview when it's easy to start
Fay Wallis:being overly critical of ourselves.
Fay Wallis:And I like the idea of this technique.
Fay Wallis:Complimenting the concept of self-compassion as well, something that
Fay Wallis:has been shown to really help boost resilience and that you can learn more
Fay Wallis:about if you'd like to by hopping back to episode 43 of HR coffee time, if you
Fay Wallis:want to listen to that after this one.
Fay Wallis:Okay.
Fay Wallis:Now we've looked at how you could use distance self-talk for a job interview.
Fay Wallis:Let's take a look at how you could use it if you have a meeting coming
Fay Wallis:up where you'll be presenting.
Fay Wallis:You can give yourself a pep talk before you step into the meeting room.
Fay Wallis:So if I use myself as an example, again, I could try saying things
Fay Wallis:like, Fay, you know, this material inside out, you've got this.
Fay Wallis:Just take it one slide at a time.
Fay Wallis:Or Fay, you're going to do really well, you can do this.
Fay Wallis:And afterwards I could say things like, well done Fay, you did it.
Fay Wallis:That went so well, Fay.
Fay Wallis:Great job.
Fay Wallis:There are so many other work situations where you may not be
Fay Wallis:feeling confident, where I think this distant self-talk could be useful.
Fay Wallis:Things like when you know you are going to have to have a difficult conversation
Fay Wallis:at work, or if you're going to have to go into a meeting with senior
Fay Wallis:leaders and you are not used to that.
Fay Wallis:Or you want to ask for a promotion or talk about a salary rise.
Fay Wallis:So if you would like to learn more about the technique, then I would highly
Fay Wallis:recommend reading the book Chatter.
Fay Wallis:It's one of the best books I've ever read about coping with the negative self-talk
Fay Wallis:that often pops into our minds, making us feel anxious and denting our confidence.
Fay Wallis:And if you'd like to feel more confident in yourself as an aspiring or existing
Fay Wallis:HR leader, building confidence is one of the things that we focus on in
Fay Wallis:my inspiring HR leadership program, which is an accredited leadership
Fay Wallis:program that runs over nine sessions.
Fay Wallis:I'll put the link to the full details in the show notes and
Fay Wallis:YouTube description for you.
Fay Wallis:Or you can find them on my website, which is Bright sky hr co uk.
Fay Wallis:And if you have any questions about it at all, I'm.
Fay Wallis:Always happy to answer them.
Fay Wallis:Before I say goodbye, I'd love to know, are you going to give the
Fay Wallis:distant self-talk technique a try?
Fay Wallis:Yes.
Fay Wallis:You might feel a bit ridiculous at first.
Fay Wallis:I know.
Fay Wallis:I certainly did, but if it works and the research suggests it does
Fay Wallis:and my own experience has shown that it can, then who cares?
Fay Wallis:If you feel a bit silly talking to yourself, pick something
Fay Wallis:you're worried about at work.
Fay Wallis:Maybe it's that presentation you've got coming up or that difficult conversation
Fay Wallis:that you've been putting off, but you know you have to have, or that job
Fay Wallis:interview you are preparing for, try giving yourself a pep talk, using your
Fay Wallis:own name, and then afterwards celebrate yourself by talking to yourself in the
Fay Wallis:third person in a positive way Again.
Fay Wallis:If you do think you're going to give it a try, please do let me know in the
Fay Wallis:comments section of the YouTube video or by sending me a message on LinkedIn.
Fay Wallis:I'm on there all the time.
Fay Wallis:Just search for me by my name, Fay Wallis.
Fay Wallis:Thank you so much for listening or watching if you're watching
Fay Wallis:this on YouTube, and good luck.
Fay Wallis:I hope this really helps you if you do, decide to give it a try.
Fay Wallis:I'm looking forward to being back again in two weeks time
Fay Wallis:with the next episode for you.
Fay Wallis:I'll see you then.