S3 Ep 85 Becoming Trigger-Proof: Heal Attachment Wounds w/ Dr. Nima Rahmany

But we kind of approach it from a different angle .

the way that you approach attachment is so different than I've seen it and I'm a therapist , right . So I'm very excited to dive into your brain and how you view attachment and healing , because I think it's very unique and special , so excited to have you on .

I've been a chiropractor for 20 years , so the cool part about it is most of my clients have been going to therapy for years and they appreciate the approach that I have is because I approach it from a nervous system perspective , because I'm a nervous system specialist and so , as I , the approach that I have in my healing comes very globally from a nervous

system component . So it is kind of unique . And also the fact that I left chiropractic because I had to learn how to become my own medicine and I was going through my own relational challenges that I kind of like my mess became my message . So the work actually lives in my bones .

So it's not from a clinical education , from a psychotherapeutic education perspective , it's actually from a lived experience and nervous system specialist .

Like , yeah what's your trauma ?

And I would , as the 10 , 20 years of my profession were advancing , just ask anyone who works as a body worker For more than 10 years they will tell you that there is a mind-body connection that's impacting somebody's level of health and healing .

So in my own personal growth journey , everything that I would learn about cognitive methods to change my perspective so that I could release the burden of stress from my system , I would always teach that to my patients .

And back in uh you know , about five to 10 years into my um practice , I started creating these workshops called life skills for a stressful world , where I would say look , as you're coming in for your chiropractic care , come to my workshop and I'm going to teach you some skills so that you're not carrying the burdens of life so heavily , which is impacting your

healing Right of life so heavily , which is impacting your healing right . And so I started noticing that the patients that were coming to these workshops would get better faster . And I started enjoying working with them more because they took more of a responsibility on their healing journey , rather than hey , doc , fix me right .

I didn't like working with that type of person and so , as my career developed , I went through a divorce and then a series of eight or nine failed relationships , all coming to the exact same outcome , which was me kind of moving away and wanting connection , but then feeling overwhelmed and pulling away and feeling this sense that they were always so needy right .

And it wasn't until my last relationship , uh , that started in 2016, . Uh , it was a four year relationship that just blew up in 2018 and it became volatile and it became abusive and I actually became abusive .

I was like , how did that even happen , to the point where these hands were used to heal people were then used to actually hurt the woman I'm supposed to love . I had to figure out what I was missing , so I stopped working altogether .

I just was like I got to figure this out , and that's when I dove into the world of attachment trauma , of the polyvagal theory

, of shadow work , of healing with the younger parts of myself , parts work , inner child , all of these nervous system regulation work and then I started studying somatic , experiencing , all for the sake of trying to get to the bottom of how did I react the way that I did ?

Somebody who's intelligent , who has an education , you know , who really helps people in a moment of activation of a getting triggered , can then turn into something else . I had to figure out why , into something else . I had to figure out why .

And so that journey to understanding how to expand that space between stimulus and response and find out all of the nervous system you know shenanigans that happened between that space , stimulus and response and reaction there was no space , it was just stimulus and reaction .

I had to learn how to expand that space , and this is where the concept of becoming trigger-proof was born , and I learned how to heal my attachment wounds . I learned how to become trigger-proof . I learned how to interrupt the pattern of fawning and people-pleasing .

I learned how to find safety and security within my own body and become a secure individual and I thought , okay , if I can figure out how that happened , can make sure that it never happens again and see if I can create a secure relationship , which I did . I got married . We have a five-year-old son .

If I can do that , then number four , my karma needs to become my dharma , my sacred path , my purpose , which is to teach others how to go , the ending point . It's just the beginning , the base camp , and when I learned that and I moved to an earned , secure , my relational dynamics completely shifted . I felt safe and trusting within myself and I got married .

I thought something that I never thought I would ever do again , because I had written off relationships . I thought something that I never thought I would ever do again because I had written off relationships .

And now I realize that the greatest personal growth that we can do is to become secure in ourselves so that we can contain a healthy and secure relationship . Homes become a sanctuary rather than a battlefield , because that's how it passes down to the next generation .

So the highest form of growth to me is creating a secure relationship , and it's one of the most difficult things and most challenging things to do , but it's a sign of a healthy and mature individual . If you can create that at home , and that's what I'm dedicated to teaching people how to do , I stand for healed families and that's the work that I do now .

Anytime there's a reactivity , there's a wound , and so I want to kind of preface this by helping redefine the word trauma . Trauma is not what happens to us right , to us right . It's what's happening inside of us , within us

, without a safe and empathetic witness to help us process right . So it's not just physical abuse , it's not just sexual abuse . I didn't understand , but trauma is me being separated from my mother for three months at the age of two , when I had activation in my nervous system but I didn't have an empathetic witness to help me bring it back to safety .

And what happens is that energy gets stored in the body and it isn't processed . And what happens is we then go through life and we run into experiences where it reminds us of just like when . That time that energy is stuck in our body and in the moment it gets triggered , we are no longer in the present moment .

We are now back in that childlike state reliving what had happened , and so , without doing the work of becoming trigger-proof , we start to avoid those things that make us uncomfortable because the sensations are too great , we don't have capacity to be able to contain that energy that arises , we don't know what to do with it .

To be able to contain that energy that arises , we don't know what to do with it . We either stuff it down or we act it out . You know , and there's four responses to this trauma . There's fight , which is poking . There's flight , which is running away .

There's freeze , which is hiding , or number four , there's fawning , which is kind of like appeasing right , it's like the childlike self , in order to survive , had to fight , had to flight , which we all know about but very few understand the freeze response when running was too dangerous or fighting back was too dangerous .

So you just had to sit there and play dead to survive , much like a zebra that's getting chased by a tiger in the Serengeti and then gets caught and just plays dead . Hopefully it calms the predator down and they go off and get their friends or family and that buys them just enough time to escape .

That's the function of the freeze response , and a very , very poorly understood one is called the fawn response . It's when you appease the predator , when you , with the perceived predator , and you play nice and you , you know you are just to kind of calm the system down of the predator to save your life .

These trauma responses are attachment distress responses during attachment stress during arguments , during ruptures in relational dynamics which caused us to survive in childhood .

But unfortunately , in your intimate partnerships , without doing the deep , somatic inner work , those childhood protective responses absolutely create havoc in our intimate partnerships and oftentimes an avoidant somebody who responds to attachment distress by running and hiding , matches up with an anxious attached who , during attachment distress , goes into criticism and blame , and

so this becomes a perfect storm of triggers where they get activated and they go into their wound , which then feeds the other person and it becomes absolutely a cluster . You know F .

However , if I want to have a relationship that feels safe and secure , if I want to have a relationship that feels safe and secure , I've got to do the work to rewire that conditioning . Otherwise , I can leave this relationship and get a divorce , sure , but without rewiring that , guess what happens in the next relationship ?

Same shit track , the exact same dynamic , and you go through what I call the infinite loop of doom , where the anxious person starts to chase , which then causes the avoidant to push away and go . It's overwhelming and they need to run and hide , which then causes more of an activation , which then causes more avoidance , which it's then .

And so many people are struggling with this and they don't have to . And trigger-proof does not mean trigger-less . It means responding differently , working on that muscle , rewiring the conditioning that's in your body . It's not even conscious , like you can listen to this podcast and hear me say that and go .

Okay , I'll remember for next time , but still , the second that you get activated your prefrontal cortex goes offline and you regress to that childlike state .

So without going back and reparenting and finding that child , without bringing safety and giving that child what they did not receive , you will continuously react as that child and identify as that child and you can't have a secure relationship in your adulthood reacting like a child .

have you seen people do multiple responses or they start because I'm like I think I flight and then I fawn you know , how ? How does that work ?

You know like you're going to be a fighter . And let's say that exact same person goes to work and now they depend on this job and this salary and they have a boss , and the boss starts saying whatever .

And then this person who is a fighter in this dynamic , in that dynamic , will be a fawner and go sure , whatever you say , absolutely , sure , I'll come in on Saturdays and work . Sure , I'll work all weekend . Absolutely , sure , I'll come and help you move . And , yeah , sure , sure , absolutely , you can have your family come and stay at my place , no problem .

That same person who was a fighter in one dynamic will be a fawner in another . So we are a multiplicity of parts , you are not just a one-sided being and in different dynamics between the two people , you could be a narcissist in one relationship and you'll be the codependent in another .

So we are not one entity and part of the training of becoming trigger-proof is really about seeing and understanding the multiplicity of parts that we have . We all have kind of like a multiple personality type of thing going on . We all have it right .

We just haven't learned how to bring our executive center , our president , our CEO , online so that it can kind of manage all of these various protective parts of us . So this is the work and rewiring to bring the higher self , the adult self , online and that space creates secure relationships .

That person does not tolerate abusive behavior or being gaslit or tries too hard to be loved and worthy and prove their worth . That person knows their worth and doesn't try to push , doesn't try to change anyone , is secure and just like okay , cool , we're not a match , that's cool . And you're able to flow your energy away without having to chase .

That chase energy comes from an unresolved wound , and so becoming trigger-proof brings this adult self online where you become secure in yourself , and that's really what my journey was and I love showing that to other people .

I'm ready to do the work and become secure , even if he's not ready to do it . I'm like , okay , good , because you know , it's like when you have a couple , two people and in a marriage , and both are like 200 pounds overweight , and ideally both people will start to do the healing work and lose the weight , right . But does it always happen that way ?

No , are you going to wait for one to do it ? You're going to wait for them to join you or not ? And so it's like no , I'm going to do it regardless and one person loses the weight . Can you see that that's going to shift the dynamic between the two , right ? So this is exactly what happens .

So she comes in and she will start to work on her anxious attachment and become more secure and heal the parts of her that feel like she's not enough , that need to chase on the outside . She starts seeing that she is and realizes oh my God , what am I chasing ? I can do so much better .

And all of a sudden she becomes the distancer and he starts to chase right . So we're not set in stone . Your attachment style is not set in stone and it depends on so many factors and the dynamic between the two people are relevant , and so any area .

If you empower all areas of your life , you become more secure and more magnetic and you become the chooser rather than hoping to be chosen . So it's an inner game .

But that's been going on for like a year and a half and I feel like I started really loving myself or focusing on myself more and then that became more apparent of like the split between the two of us and I feel like I became a little bit more avoidant of like going towards him and he also is avoided and kind of move away .

So it became this like weird space where we were avoiding this big thing that was happening in our relationship and I kept kind of bringing

it to the table but then also not wanting him to hurt , and so I felt codependent in that Like it was just so much like I was like none of this is clear , None of this feels easy and I'm cycling through so many things that I'm confused .

I had to go off and be an island and deal with it myself because I was never modeled that , hey , your emotions are valid . Maybe even I was treated in a way where , like , suck it up and I was shamed for having emotions .

So I will respond by stuffing them down or kind of withdrawing so that I can avoid them and anything that brings me some sort of feeling of pain , of failure , I just keep avoiding .

And so if I'm with you and you're bringing it up , you're saying I'm hurting , I'm feeling this , I'm feeling that I don't have in that moment , as your husband , the capacity to go oh , jen , tell me how you're feeling . Wow , tell me what you need . There's no experience like that .

So what I'll do is I start to feel your emotions and they will feel like a bother to me , because I was a bother to someone , right ? So , I will then project that bother onto you and then every time I look at you , I will be reminded of my own failure that I don't want to deal with .

So I don't even want to be in a conversation with you to talk about it , because that means that I'm going to have to feel things like failure and I'm going to work , work , work and do , do , do and develop an identity , to do everything I can so that I never have to deal with these parts of me that feel like a failure .

Therapists is because we learned that behavior growing up , where mom and dad's emotions in order for us to feel safe , we had to go and take the burden on so that we could then feel safe and then I can feel important . Then we get a pat on the back . Good girl , jen . Jen , you're such a helper , wow , you're so amazing .

So you get this identity validated and so , unconsciously , you have this concept to repeat what was familiar in childhood the repetition compulsion .

Even if you're a therapist , right , you're still going on these unconscious programs where you're now putting yourself in a familiar environment where I get to repeat my role from childhood , and so there's one part of you that loves it and then this other part of you that's like I really want to receive , I want to be in my feminine .

I don't want a mother , I don't want to be a mother anymore . I want to feel fulfilled and now I want to receive . So now , to feel fulfilled and now I want to receive . So now , jen , your journey gets to be learning how to receive from the masculine , which is very , very weird to your system , isn't it ?

The concept of you receiving from a healthy masculine will feel like , because I like that role because I can be in control of that . Letting go of control and being led Ooh , that's scary , and so that gets to be your work on your next phase of the journey .

like you changed a step in the familiar dance yes , but then when we come together , it just felt like the the same thing and I couldn't understand where the emotional boundary was of not hurting someone or taking on his pain .

So then I must oh , I'm going to cry so then I must , like leave my pain , and so I think that was like the hardest part of like should I stay or should I go ? I was like , what's my pain ?

Thank you for your vulnerability , by the way , so beautiful .

Because and this is what my book , I call the book it's called A Villain's Journey Because you have to be willing to be the bad guy in the other person's story who sees you as their mother and right now . And so how dare my mother abandon me again ? I bet you he's experiencing that again . That's his spiritual journey that he felt abandoned by his mother .

So he gets to repeat that and you abandoned him again . Again his story . I'm not projecting that onto you . I'm just saying I understand every narrative coming around because I've been working around these narratives so long . It's like your job is to break free from that childhood .

It's like a , like a shell , like a lobster molting out of its shell into a new identity where you're not responsible for everybody and you get to receive . And when you develop into that , you get to look and see hey , this is what I want . Are you wanting to come with me and the answer is no .

Now it's not , definitely no , because he could all of a sudden experience the pain of abandonment and then go . All right , I got to look at something and start to do his path of becoming trigger-proof and then realize , holy crap , this is what I was doing . I was not able to hold space , so if he was to do his work , he could easily come back and go .

Jen , I never held space . I made you responsible for everything and I was doing , doing , doing , and I thought my worth , my worthiness of love , was all about what I was doing for you rather than who I was being for you , and I'm learning how to do that now . And that can be repaired . But not everybody's up for the task , are they ?

For me to do what I just did for you there , let's say I'm your husband , in order for me to do that , I have to go and sit and realize the shame of my unconsciousness . And it's very shameful that the work of becoming trigger-proof basically means going into all of these dark shadow parts of you that you did not know it's not your fault , dark shadow parts

of you that you did not know it's not your fault , but bringing them to light and sitting in the awareness of , oh my God , I abandoned myself . How did I abandon myself ? I feel so much guilt , I feel so much shame and sit and alchemize it .

The pain must burn through your soul and on the other side of that is an opening , is an understanding , and that journey into the abyss of that pain is one many men are very afraid to do . Firefighters will run into a fucking burning building , no problem . But to sit in the pain of their shame , hells to the no .

It's like , ok , well , I don't have to hate on those parts of me anymore . They didn't know any better , I was just conditioned . I was conditioned . It was never my fault , it wasn't even my parents fault .

And this is what becoming a cycle breaker is all about so that I can model this to my child , so that he doesn't have to carry the burden of my unprocessed shame , that he doesn't have to carry the burden of my unprocessed shame .

You know you're such a lovely human being , I just , I got so much love for you just just from hearing that as a mom to having to go through that . Big love to you , sister .

I just got to do , do , do . And it's not about doing , it's about who you're being for me and witnessing me , right , but if he can't witness himself , there's no way he can witness you , me , right , but if he can't witness himself , there's no way he can witness you .

So your work becomes to witness you and make the really painful decision that you made , which is the guilt . I could feel the guilt , like you were crying , just like oh , my God , I'm going to have to hurt this person , because I can see the innocence of his attempt .

He's just stuck in like eight years old , 12 years old , and he can't grow with me and I don't . I want him to , but he's not willing and you're ready to kind of walk away to do that , right , and so that's that's . That's the work . That's the work .

come back , and then stone completely still face and then , within literally 30 to 45 seconds , this baby is trying to connect emotionally , but there's just no emotion and the baby is . It's traumatic . This is trauma . It's what . It's not a physical abuse , like I said , it's not sexual abuse .

It's actually a lack of emotional attunement and this child is just freaking out and then finally she jumps out of it Okay , I'm back . And then causes repair and the baby boom .

The nervous system comes right back to safety , nervous system comes right back to safety and it's like , wow , how many parents raise their children in a stuck nervous system , dissociated state where there's no . It's not that there's not love , there's just they're not connected in their bodies .

And especially since what happened with COVID , we have a population of people who are dysregulated from their nervous systems . They are completely like frozen and there's no smiling , there's no laughter , there's no humor , there's no feeling in the body . They've left their body because there's so much pain in the body .

They leave and they go up in their heads and they do , do , do . It's not their fault , but what happens is you can't feel them . It's like talking to a brick wall Right . And so , with my clients , I get them to take photos when they first begin the program with me and you see that still face like you're describing .

And then , after about four to six months , they take another picture and it's like the life force energy has come back into their body , and so when you're talking to him , it's like what I'm seeing about you .

Am I like shanking you in the side emotionally , like I it's , it's , the brick wall is so scary for me in some ways and it gets me a little frantic and so I've had to really kind of like not not care , because I care , but I'm like I can't ask you how you're feeling or what you're doing and I have to disconnect that I am making this happen for you

Because I took so much blame and guilt around it . That like is heavy . It's so heavy when you're in a relationship with someone else . So it's still my work to like pull back from that and I don't know if that is like codependence in some way .

Is that that person's feelings , there's no boundary between their emotions and yours , and you take responsibility . Your sense of safety comes in abandoning yourself and taking care of the other , and so this dynamic is codependency , and it is doomed to absolute chaos , and this is why people have health issues . It causes chronic illness . It's just so rampant .

I believe that this is enmeshment . Trauma and codependency is a pandemic , and so I am really keen on breaking that cycle , and it takes heroic amount of effort to be able to sit in . Your guilt and the shame for feeling like you're being the bad guy . So this is your willingness to be seen as the bad guy You're expanding .

Your capacity to be seen as the villain in someone else's story is your ticket to freedom .

And I was like , and I blamed him for that and I was like what do you mean ? This is happening . And I but also like , how can I ask you to have my back when I am also hurting you ?

You know , like it just it was just such a trap of like I have to land on a camp , of like I'm not going to be your best friend and your savior and even when you talk about it to other people , I will be a villain or I will be , you know like , praised for leaving and it's like whatever , yep , and it's like whatever .

Part of the work , then , is to break free from mom and dad .

So if you , as you're going through this , as I'm guiding people through , I really make sure that you got to make sure that you divorce mom and dad first before divorcing this person , because if you don't do that , the next person you're going to be back to the same dynamic because you haven't divorced from mom and dad .

Right , it's like if I'm raised in a cult , for example , and I'm like , okay , I don't know if I believe in all this shit , right , and this is an extreme example . But if I speak up and say wait , this is a bunch of bullshit , you're out , what's going to happen ? I'm going to get kicked out and that's a threat to me . So what am I going to do ?

I'm going to be like yes , yes , oh , yeah , I totally believe in all this stuff . Right , right , so you will abandon yourself for a case , for a sake of belonging . That becomes a wiring , that becomes a conditioning , that becomes an identity you don't even know . It's worse than an addiction . It's just who you are .

So I'm using the extreme example just to show that we're all a little bit of that . We're all in a gradient or a spectrum of that , aren't we ? So that could be a religious cult , or it could be just hey , I want to be an engineer . No , you don't . Your dad wanted you to be an engineer , right ?

So it's like this desire to belong is so that I could have the validation and the love and the care and the acceptance of my caregivers . Growing up was that if I choose my authentic self , my desires , my values , my whatever , and that goes against them , what is the response from my caregivers ? If they withdraw love , I'm going to abandon myself .

So after I abandoned myself enough in my 20s , in my 30s , everybody starts . This is where the midlife crisis comes in , because how old are you , jen ? 40 .

What are they going to think ? Because if I choose my authentic self , they're not going to like it . And so there's this war of approval that we're trying to fight , and when we chase external approval , we abandon ourselves .

So individuation means breaking free from the invisible chains of mommy and daddy upbringing , cultural approval to take the risk of being our authentic selves , expressing our authentic truth . Think of you know somebody who's gay , growing up in the deep South , who's

been hiding it and then get sick until they finally go no , this is who I am . And then certain people are like I don't want to speak to you anymore . Right , it's like they had to make a choice , knowing that by choosing their authentic self , they're going to lose people , but they will not ever go on abandoning themselves anymore .

This is the process of individuation , and so our job is to do that with mom and dad . So I've created a process .

I've created a process where I guide people through the process of individuation , which is really about healing from mom healing the mother wound and healing the father wound , so that you take them off the pedestal or the monster pedestal of whatever you have them on , that they're evil , and you see them as human and you're able to accept them as exactly who they

were and appreciate them exactly for who they were . Yet choosing your truth and your own identity fully and apologetically . And that's the only way to healing . And from a chronic illness perspective , if you don't do , chronic illness , I believe , is your body screaming at you to choose your authentic self .

I guarantee you , if you kept going at that dance for another 10 years , I guarantee you , if you kept going at that dance for another 10 years , you would have thyroid issues . You would have Hashimoto's . You would have Hashimoto's , you would have digestive issues , chronic bowel disorders , inflammatory bowel endometriosis .

All of this is unresolved trauma which is often a fawn response people pleasing , abandoning self for the sake of pleasing others . So this is a healthcare conversation . Individuation is about healing . That's why I left chiropractic .

I was like I can adjust these people , but I want to teach them how to become their authentic selves so that they can have secure relationships .

So after my last relationship ended , where things got physical and I was like what the fuck happened ?

I have to figure this out I started doing healing work and I started doing somatic work and breath work came out and in breath work I realized , oh my gosh , I was separated from my mother at two , and I've because my mom and my twin brother came to Canada from Iran to explore , immigrating Without you , without me , for three months . As a two-year-old .

Now , I don't remember that . Yeah , but you feel it but now having a son when he was two years old and my wife would go walking the dog around the freaking neighborhood for 15 minutes , he would lose it .

But it was in my body and so that played out in my relational dynamics and I was kind of breaking women's hearts as a covert way of getting back at my mother .

I didn't realize that I was doing it , but I was always showing up as an asshole that just would love bomb and then all of a sudden withdraw , wow , and then withdraw and then these hearts are broken . Oh , nema . And then I'd be like there was a fucking kinky , annoying , twisted part of me that felt kind of like revenge against my mother . I didn't know it .

This wasn't conscious , this was all the result of making the unconscious conscious Talk about sitting in my shame . When I realized all that , I was like , oh my God , holy crap , how the heck , no wonder , whoa , there's so many of these Whoa , no wonder in the process , right .

So as I went through that and I realized after my last relationship , I was like , oh my God , I have to heal with my mom and dad , because this resentment that I'm carrying and I'm acting out this dance , it's a misplaced anger towards my mother . So I did what I recommend nobody do .

It was tumultuous and it was like all of these years of pent up frustration that we just got it out and we literally I did the work that I teach now and I basically started to take the anger and the resentment that I had because I was all in blame it's your fault , because of you guys , that I'm in these relationships and I went from that victim stance and

I just applied the trigger proof work that I teach integrating , integrating , integrating until I got to a place where I fully understood my parents and this concept of forgiveness was blown out of the fucking window , because once you understand someone , you don't need to forgive them because they just are they just are .

Because now you everyone's like oh you gotta forgive yourself , you gotta forgive others bullshit . Forgiveness is just spiritual bypass bullshit most of the time , because they'll say I forgive , but your body tells a different story yeah . Right .

So once I realized that understanding I think this is a Buddhist quote Buddha said understanding is uh , understanding is the path of forgiveness .

So when you understand why they did what they did , how they did it , it depersonalizes the story of I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy , and I started seeing them as humans who didn't know better when they made that move to Iran . And so there was beyond forgiveness . I didn't even have to say I forgive you , I didn't have to say I forgive myself .

I just got to this level of understanding for all of it and I have this little picture in the back . It's like the earth , right ? It's called the overview effect . My methodology is called the overview method . When you're in overview and you see the totality of it , you understand everyone involved . There's no victims , there's no blaming .

There's no blaming , there's no blaming myself . There was just understanding . And in that moment I was like oh , it was that moment where my dad I remember he was like in the , in the , in his living room , screaming at me and I screaming at me because he was I could see like he was upset with what happened with me in my last relationship .

But in that moment I stopped seeing him as this parent . That was like hurting me . And I saw him . I saw the little child in him . Wow , and I saw him like and I was like .

I went up and then , as he was screaming , I just walked right up to him and I said , dad , I can see how difficult this must be for you to see me , your son , struggling through his relationships . I could see how difficult that was and I'm sorry that you're going through that .

And I gave him this big hug and we cried and in that moment it felt like the movie Star Wars or Return of the Jedi , when Luke Skywalker defeated Darth Vader . It was the moment where he no longer , where I transcended the need for my parents' approval , and the second that I broke free from that , I felt like this weight was lifted .

My relationship with them completely changed . And then the next partner that I was with was totally mature , secure . I invited them to visit my parents . My mother did her usual triangulation shit where she kind of broke a boundary , and I walked up and I said , mom , you're doing that again and I really love this person .

I'm not blaming you , I'm just saying , if you want to be in my life moving forward , this kind of backtalking and triangulating and trying to gossip with her and bring her in , it's not going to work for me . And I was able to be very mature and elegantly boundaried and she was like , okay , and that moment I was like , oh , I got it , we got married .

There's no push pull dynamic . I'm not trying to act out all of my unhealed shit with my wife anymore , because I've already divorced from my parents and we have the best relationship we've ever had . And that's what individuation is , and it's a . It's an ongoing process because they're going to do when they come and visit .

They're still them , they trigger me , but I'm able to work through it and this is why it's so important and meaningful for me and why I care so much about teaching people how to do the same thing , because on the other side of that really hard , difficult , gut-wrenching work is a you know , a life where you can be loved and love others . Yeah .

As soon as she , I was just like , hey , I just realized I took something out on you . It's like , hey , I just realized I took something out on you . I totally took it out on you . There , that was my stuff coming through . That wasn't about you . I can totally see your care and your questioning . I was getting defensive and we just repaired , made love .

It's like we have our five year anniversary coming up in a few weeks and with the work of becoming trigger-proof weeks and with the work of becoming trigger-proof trauma bonds start off super duper , hot and heavy and then they fizzle With secure partnership , with secure relating .

It doesn't necessarily start off with like oh my God , love at first sight fireworks , but through the rupture repair process you become stronger . Imagine a relationship that becomes stronger through arguments through conflict rather than something you're like oh my God , tiptoeing around , walking around eggshells .

No , you can actually get stronger through conflict because I've learned , I've mastered or mastering a process where I can go in and integrate the triggers that arise , take full responsibility , get out of my victim story and then come back and communicate in a way where you know there's understanding , because we know what this is about .

This is about connection , right , rather than defending . You know defending the childlike part of us and projecting it onto one another . And you can learn . You can learn how to do this .

You've got to expand here I have my little Hoberman sphere You've got to expand your capacity to be misunderstood . You've got to expand your capacity to have other people say that they don't like you . Oh , the people pleaser in me is just mortified of that . And this second half of my journey . I'm not going to abandon myself for the sake of attachment .

That's why I want to teach people this specialty of specializing in how to not abandon yourself . It's just how to repair from that self-abandonment that's been conditioned as a child . It's through no fault of your own .

I'm bracing myself for them to say fuck you , nima . I'm like are you up into ?

Luckily there's an option , cgen , and it's what I call becoming elegantly boundaried , where the second you get triggered . You go through a process of integration so that you're no longer a victim , you can have understanding and then , after you've integrated , you can communicate .

And , especially as a woman , there's this secret weapon called feminine communication , where the way that you communicate is about orienting inside your body and expressing what's happening in here , rather than your being so-and-so , which is external type of communication .

Feminine communication is really neat because I studied polarity and I was like whoa , after my son was six months old , I was like , wow , we're not really , there's no magnetism in the relationship . Then I started studying polarity . I'm like , oh , the way that I communicate can inspire devotion or push it away .

And because that's just how we are masculine and feminine , it's within us and we can kind of , and it's a charge , it's an energy that we can work together . And so , using feminine communication , when you kind of sit and go , mom . Can I share how I'm feeling ?

When I teach women about this , it's like to a healthy masculine man your feelings , shared vulnerably , is an absolute gift , but you have been conditioned to think that they're a burden , so you don't share them , or when you share them , it's with resentment , or it's laced with judgment and blame , and then that's not received .

Well , then you're like oh see , there I go , I share my feelings and then this is what I get . Fuck that , why do I even bother ? Yes , so it validates the story of I'm too much right . So there is a way where you can actually can I share how I'm feeling ? I'm using feminine communication , by the way . Can I share how I'm feeling ?

I'm feeling some sadness because you know , I can see that you're really wanting so-and-so , but the way that I'm experiencing it is so-and-so and what I need is a little bit for you to be more gentle . What I need is for you to so-and-so . Can I get some help with that ? See , there's no penetration , there's no judgment and there's no blame .

And so human beings who have egos , there's nothing for them to defend when you use that . So there is a refinement , there is a training where you can become elegant in your boundaries , where you can get whatever you want from people , because you're not pushing , you're not needing , you're not abandoning yourself .

You're showing up with the ultimate self-worth that you deserve to receive Love , care , attention , affection . You first got to get to that . That takes some recovery . Then you can then communicate that in a way where you will be met and received with absolute love .

Well , you know , she found out after a while that I was , you know , seeing other people and she said oh , so what is it ? She says I really really like you and I want this . I want the person that I'm with to like me as much as I like you . And I understand if you're not ready for that , but I can't be in that environment .

And so what I saw in her was so different than any other woman was that she was orienting her communication inward , rather than playing the victim and pointing fingers and in judgment and blame and that is an art to do for human beings , not just women , but men as well but getting out of the identity of entitlement and victimhood , because we've all been hurt in

some way right and we've hurt others in ways To get to understanding , to get to a sense of self-worth and then communicate in a way where it inspires the opposite sex or inspires other people to work with you , and that level of vulnerability , that level of healing , that level of inspiration is possible , and that's the good news if you're willing to become

trigger-proof .

quiz . Perfect , I'm going to leave a quiz , and the best place to start is filling out the survey that will tell you what your attachment style is , and once you know that you have a base , you have a foundation Right . So the link is in the bio , but you can find me on Instagram at Dr Nima DrNimacom . I'm just going to provide you all the links .