How to mentally reset when you’re stressed out (w/ Dr Jenny Taitz)

making an intro for the podcast, but there are these deep dark circles under my eyes and also there's so much work to do. And speaking of work to do, there's always more work to do. And there's also always more laundry and always more cleaning and always more groceries and always You know, all of us have stress in our lives. And some of us handle it in healthy ways, and others of us maybe in um less than healthy ways.

So I think that I know that I need to, and I bet a lot of you also need to, talk to today's guest, Dr. Jenny Tates. She is a licensed clinician with a doctorate in clinical psychology, and she is the author of the new book, Stress Reset. How to soothe your mind and body in minutes. Now.

Soothing my mind and body in minutes, that sounds pretty dang good. I would love that. The stressors are not going to go away. They're always going to be there, but maybe I and maybe we can learn some strategies to deal with them. So let's find out how to do it. To get us started, here is Jenny reading a passage from her book.

Agitated and replaying his horrible morning on the way home from the drugstore, he then got into a minor car accident. You can't make this stuff up. Of course I have plenty of examples of how I've exacerbated an already stressful situation. Years ago, exhausted and newly back to work after the recent birth of my second child, began gnawing endlessly on my fingernail to the point where I found myself in the emergency room with an antibiotic resistant infection that required minor surgery.

If I had only paused, observed my stress-fueled urges, taken a few deep breaths, and tried one of the stress resets in this book. I'd have spared myself hours in the emergency room and multiple follow-up visits with an infectious disease specialist. I'm pretty sure you have examples of your own.

And so a stress reset kind of gives you this opportunity to keep it contained and maybe even make it better.

And then we experience stress in our body, obviously thinking thoughts. Like, let's say you, your boss puts a meeting on your calendar, it's very easy to start to think like, I'm gonna be laid off. And then obviously that's gonna do a number to your body. Maybe you're gonna start to feel really tense, short of breath.

Then the third piece I that I think is really interesting is then we often do things that make things that much worse. So if your boss put a meeting on the calendar, you're all tens, maybe you decide like, I can't focus, I'm just gonna like procrastinate for like the next four hours until the meeting happens and then you've put yourself into this whole tornado and it the crazy thing, Chris is, is that I've had so many clients that have had like this exact thing happen to them.

And like it's kind of hilarious. Like some of the reasons for meetings could be like the way you're parking in the company's lot. Like it could be something that's so not like I'm sorry we're we're laying off your team. It's it's and nothing to do with like the fact that you were late to a meeting. It's something that like is kind of humorous.

So what's your favorite snack? And you're like, What that's good and not bad and also so why did this have to be a meeting? But I was I've been freaking out for hours.

That are like preventative medicine.

But a buffer or things that we wanna do, it's almost like saving money for an unexpected cost that you weren't you know, you suddenly need new tires or something. You wanna be saving money in the bank. So it's really hard, a lot of people expect that all of a sudden like they're gonna be able to do something difficult like

not be judgmental in like a really hard moment if they haven't built up like the practice of being less judgmental or kinder to themselves. And so I think we need to be realistic. Like I don't want to be, I don't want anyone to think like, you know, I tried this, it didn't work. You might need to be trying this. at other times to like if you wanna really run fast during like a, you know, scary event on the street, you need to like have some ability to run fast, period.

understand stress, I get stress, I feel stressed. I just really try to practice every single thing I prescribe, like all the time.

I choose to work with a, you know, kind of like the psychological version of kind of the ER um professionally. And then I have three little kids who are amazing, but there's also a lot of, you know, my son like two nights ago was like at nine o'clock after I asked him like consistently since five o'clock, realized that he had like a major homework assignment that was like involved me taking pictures of him and like this whole thing. I'm like, dude, like we we've

talked for four hours, like what's due tomorrow? Nothing, nothing, nothing. And and that's a minor stress and that's a pleasurable stress. But you know, that's in the moment after you've been going since like six A. M. it's

sometimes have this like emotional judgment around the things that we feel stressed on. Like, oh, but this is like a gift, like getting to spend time with my kid, I shouldn't also feel stressed about that. And you talk in the book about how like Layering that emotion on top of like this isn't worthy of stress or this I shouldn't be angry about this thing, or it's not all I'm not allowed to feel jealous, or whatever the emotion is, can sometimes be.

uh maybe like the main driver of the stress around a thing is that like we don't allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. So I I just would love to like talk about that since I think it came up there and it is such a natural and universal thing.

So I could feel like a little small level of anxiety. And then I could start to judge like what's wrong with me? Why am I feeling anxious now? And then I have like anxiety on top of anxiety, which for some people in a different situation could lead to panic if like someone's heart's racing and they're like, this is so weird. Like that could, you know, lead to like more anxiety or it could lead to different emotions. It could lead to something totally different like

Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Why do I feel stressed by this? So it could be like anxiety, more anxiety, shame, then maybe there's guilt of like. like why do I feel this way? This is like it's embarrassing with him. It's bad for me. And and so it could lead to this whole spiral. That's a very silly example, but I think in human life it's like

Someone was just telling me that, you know, they were listening to a song that was really sad in front of uh a child and they felt embarrassed by emoting. And it's like, you felt sad and now you feel embarrassed, now you feel worried about what that did. to that person, but it it's like we're human. And so it it's again like the stress thing. We could either keep it small or we could create this whole web of layer on top of layer. And the first feeling that we have

is helpful and productive. Like the first feeling is like, let's get this done. Let's go for like good enough. This is not gonna be perfect. We're just gonna do this. Like, how fast can you like do the things? Versus like Unprotected, which is like shame or more anxiety, it could lead to like not being in a position that you could actually do the thing. And so I think a huge thing that we can all do when we start to feel stressed, instead of getting into catastrophic thoughts, or instead of like

berating yourself is like normalizing the normal, like just being a good friend to yourself. It makes it so simple, but so something we don't do for ourselves, but we do easily for others. Of course you feel this way.

Given this, of course you feel this. And it's just like a quick reframe versus like what the hell is wrong with me? And that immediately could probably take stress down a notch and that's why we like enjoy talking to like the friends that are empathic and validating and when we don't like call people that, you know, say like you're overreacting and don't worry what's wrong with you.

school of thought you are. And and one of them that I wasn't as familiar with was uh DBT. And I I just like to talk about it because it feels like it's at the heart of a lot of what we've already talked about and what we will continue to talk about. So can you tell us what does DBT stand for and what does it mean?

uh crises and um it's really incredibly moving. She actually had been hospitalized repeatedly for her own mental health challenges and treated in really inhumane ways and prescribed tons of medications that like really did more harm than good and not that there's anything wrong with medications, but the medications she was prescribed were really not working for her. And the literally the unit that she was hospitalized on

like ultimately became a DBT unit where she came out and told her story, which is really powerful. And so DBT is a treatment that combines Zen Buddhist principles with cognitive behavioral therapy. And so it teaches it's uh called dialectical because it's kind of seems like a dialectic or an apparent contradiction. It teaches a hundred percent change.

alongside a hundred percent acceptance. So I wholeheartedly accept this moment and I also wholeheartedly will change. And acceptance also kind of paves the way for change. And when you learn DBT, there's four specific tools that you learn. It so a lot of people maybe think therapy is like you go, you share your problems, you do a lot of the work, your therapist listens, takes some notes, and maybe summarizes some things. But DBT is almost like a class.

where your therapist teaches you a specific curriculum that includes four modules. Mindfulness, how to be present in the moment without judgment and in a way that allows for more joy. Um, interpersonal effectiveness, how to assert yourself, ask for what you want, maintain relationships, be skillful in maintaining your objective, self-respect. And your relationships, um, emotion regulation, how to manage your emotions so they're kind of more on a dimmer system rather than an on-off switch.

And distress tolerance, how to cope with crises without making them worse. And DBT is a gold standard treatment for people that struggle with things like suicidality and self-harm, substance use. A lot of uh co occurring problems. But I think the D B T skills are amazing. And so one of my

goals in writing the stress resets is to like disseminate these to the masses because like every D B T therapist I know, myself included, feels like, Whoa, this is so cool. We l we won like the career lottery. I I have all these like cool tools at my disposal. I could use them in my life. I could teach them to friends. But like why not use them preventatively or to enhance quality of life? Like they don't need to just be used for crises or when you're at your lowest point.

is this idea of like in my control versus outside of my control. Let me give you even the most extreme example, right? Like you live in a repressive authoritarian regime. The idea that like the solution to your problem is I just have to like think about things differently. That's not true. And yet Changing the way that you think about things.

And your ability to get through each day when you're in a repressive authoritarian regime also could be a really big and important thing, even though it wouldn't change the like larger factor. So it's like it doesn't solve the problem. And also You can't solve the problem unless you are able to function. So I I feel like that's one of the like big dialectics that obviously I'm picking the most extreme version of.

roads, but we have to ful you know, learn to this thing happened. It was really awful. It was unexpected. It makes total sense that I feel anxious and stressed and I'm gonna choose like what would I do if I wholeheartedly approach this with like a beginner's mind or like this was my first time doing this thing and obviously I'm gonna be cautious and I'm gonna be careful and I'm and it's gonna totally accept any additional stress in my body as I approach this, but to continue.

feels like because they look at the news and they look at the outside world and they see horrible things happening and they see other people suffering, that their own suffering is unworthy'cause it's not big enough. It doesn't matter.

And they're like want to throw a book at their parents but throw the phone at their parents. You know, but it's like when we tell it to ourselves all the time. I mean, I think both things are true. Like I have every reason to be upset. And also there's really big problems in the world. And and it it could also be helpful to to be able to learn one of the things I talk about is also observing and describing your emotions. Like I could say, you know,

This thing that happened to me on a zero to five scale is a two. And being, you know, in a war zone right now would understandably be like a five plus, like on a, you know, five being the highest. And so they're both things, you know, we don't want to minimize our experience, but we also want to have some perspective.

But oftentimes if we are in a different situation, the same physical sensations, we interpret the same physical sensations negatively. And so uh telling ourselves we need to calm down, especially if we're revved up, isn't helpful. But kind of channeling that into like this matters to me. I care about this. My body stress response is helpful.

can be really empowering. And there's actually a lot of work on adopting like a synergistic mindset around stress. So this combination of believing that like stress is adaptive, like stress is the price of a meaningful life. If you had no stress, you would probably be apathetic and have nothing going on in your life. And also that your body's stress response is helpful. Like

literally even there's a famous article that I like about turning your knots into bows. Like literally seeing like knots in your stomach as like bows. Like before you're going into the GRE, like this is a side that I'm doing well. My stomach is like

you know, revving up my body to perform. Like this is not like, oh my gosh, like I'm gonna fail because my stomach is growling. No, this is like a sign that you're gonna do well. If you can reframe stress more positively, especially when it's in line with what matters to you and you can accept wholeheartedly your body's stress response, the combination of doing those two things and interventions that teach those two practices in like thirty minutes can actually correlate with

reducing cortisol, reducing mental health challenges, and also narrow achievement gaps. Like this is like a 30 minute intervention, like four years later, can correlate with first generation college students actually graduating college. And so this isn't just like a nice kind of reframe, it translates into that again, that behavioral piece of

choosing behaviors and also changing the way you see yourself and the way and the course of your life. Like these the the goal of resetting stress is not to just feel better in this moment. It's to live the life that you want to live.

While participants in studies can actively rethink their stress responses in specific situations like taking a test or giving a talk, they are not necessarily able to do the same when it comes to navigating a difficult relationship or worrying about a health issue. And then you talk about how that that is actually like a transfer problem. I find that so much in my own life. Like I am so

You know, people get really stressed about public speaking. I love to speak public, and some of that is just natural inclination, but some of it is like, But as I'm about to go outs on stage, I like jump up and down. I move my body. I'm like, great, great, great, great, great. And I'm like, then it turns into I'm not stressed, I'm excited. But then People are so often surprised to find out, like, if I'm going into a room, like I they had like a meet and greet at the preschool for my uh my son.

And when I like walked into this meet and greet, which is just like a very friendly low stakes thing, I'm not expected to do anything. I was like my heart was pounding and I was so nervous to be like, I have to meet these parents and talk to them and I have to make a good impression and I you know, I want to have a good relationship. Uh it just didn't transfer for me in that way. So I'm curious, like, how do you transfer from one to another?

connect with some people that are in a shared experience and a shared lip like geographical area. But if we could think about it in a way that's useful and adaptive and then I think automatically like just doing that would change your body's stress response. um would change like the the the kind of social anxiety like in your body and like tension and maybe shortness of breath. But if if not, even just if you are feeling like that

um in your body, despite thinking more neutrally or effectively about the situation or positively about the situation, you could still like this is okay, this is normal, I care. You know, sometimes sometimes going into a social situation, I similarly like experience like, oh my gosh, like my heart is Going faster. Yeah, I haven't seen some of these people in ages and I I wanna make a good impression and this belongs. I mean it's interesting, like

you know, for someone running the marathon, it's like there's some expectation of pain to be expected and acceptance of that and celebrating that is part of the process and part of the feat of like mind over matter. And I think we need to kind of bring some of that like it makes total sense if you're

If your body's doing something, how can you normalize the normal and not make the normal into pathological in a way that just creates this s tornado of like your body and mind feeling like they're waging war against you?

I do all that just'cause it's like it feels like, well, if my heart is racing and I'm jumping in these ways, that's how it's supposed to be. If I'm just standing still and my heart is racing, then it feels like that's nervous energy. It's not total positive energy. Yeah.

doing jumping jacks or burpees. And if you could attribute that, like it makes total sense that my heart is doing this because I'm vigorously exercising. And then that also like quiets your mind. You can't be like thinking your worst case scenario thoughts while you're doing a squat jump. um, that automatically like creates a different attribution and changes your body chemistry.

you automatically like lower your heart rate and your blood flow is redirected from non-essential to essential organs. And so if you're feeling totally overwhelmed and something really ho horrible happened to you today, or you're really feeling unable to like kind of turn off Rumination or thought spiraling. If you took like a salad bowl full of ice water, set a timer on your phone for 30 seconds, held your breath.

Stick your face in the ice water. If you were wearing an Apple Watch, your heart rate would come down. It's like a control alt delete feature. that we all have. I should also just say a disclaimer that if you have cardiac issues, um, this does change your heart rate pretty quickly. So it's not advisable if you do have um a heart condition, but it's also

a larger theme that in a matter of seconds or minutes, we can change things. We can totally, if you literally don't want to do that, even just having the mindset of I could feel better quickly. Like a lot of times right in the thick of how we're feeling, we assume I will feel this way forever and it's gonna get worse. It's like actually I could feel different in seconds in my body and in my mind and Things are constantly changing.

people just want something from me or beliefs about the future of like things won't work out. And it's really, really hard to like let facts penetrate if we hold on to these ways like these we see the world through these kind of specific glasses. And so um it's helpful to kind of think about like your life and how did you come to see yourself.

How did you come to see other people? How did you come to see kind of your future and see like what are my core beliefs and how do they make sense? And so a lot of people that I've see that had been like let's say bullied feel like there's something kind of wrong with them or they're not lovable or they are not cool and maybe that leads to behaviors like avoiding initiating relationships or uh reaching out to people or putting themselves out there wholeheartedly and just kind of like

doing what they think is like, you know, what they're supposed to do. And so taking a step back and thinking about like what are my beliefs? what behaviors would I do to kind of transcend them? And what would I do if I didn't believe these things? Maybe I would just wear what I wanted to wear and do what I wanted to do and not feel like I needed to fix. And so I think it's it's helpful to think about like what are my the ways I see myself and are they

not helpful and are they not relevant in this moment and and that also leads to a lot of self compassion. It was really hard to at a you know, pivotal age to have had a negative experience. How can I um give myself the freedom of changing that now?

Other people are good at that and I'm not. And if I try and do it, it will mess things up. And it has led me to then be like I can't hang a piece of art in my house. I can't put a nail in the wall. That's something I have to either get help with or I have to hire someone or I just like if I do it, it'll cause this whole problem. And it's like if someone asks, like, do you wanna come?

play on a like a pickup basketball game, I'd be like, Of course not. Like why would you even ask me that? That does not sound fun. I don't like that. And so it's okay for me to not like that. But then some of it is like the ability to like attempt a small home repair or to like go swimming and think of myself as a swimmer.

It's challenging those beliefs. And then when I do it, I'm like, huh, but actually I do enjoy this. Or oh, that actually wasn't as hard as I thought. Or even if I mess it up, it's not a big deal to mess it up. And now there's three or five or even twelve little holes in the wall, but they're all covered up by the painting by the time it's hung up. So who cares?

And that if I don't have a strong enough uh pile of evidence that I'm good, that like it could be cross examined away and that actually they would find out the truth that like I'm not a good person or I'm not worthy. You know, it's like I it If I'm able to say, like, well, I did this and I did this favor for this person and I was kind in this way and like, look, judge, here's all the evidence. Like surely I'm a good person, but it's not some sort of core internal thing.

And I I think I adopted this idea that I'm like not smart enough or I'm not good enough. You know, I think we both both collected the the external validation around good enough. But like what if I just see that the thought that I'm an idiot or I'm not smart enough is just a mental event from this childhood experience. And like that is an understandable thing to hold on to, but I don't need to be fixing it in the way of external achievement after external achievement and like

those things like aren't satisfying because they don't change the core belief unless you understand the core belief and do what would you do if you didn't believe that to be true? Like maybe take a break from the good enough external pursuits or validation.

Sometimes the thing that could actually help is to just be like, well, what would you do today if you weren't depressed and you did have energy? And then to force yourself to do some version of that is like, Even though you're like, the last thing I want to do is call up a friend and go see a movie, if you force yourself to do that, you may find afterwards, huh, I actually feel less bad than I did before.

This is so powerful. I mean, there's a treatment called behavioral activation that is literally giving someone a schedule of a few things that might give you pleasure. Like you have oftentimes people have to relearn pleasure if they're really depressed. Like

the the pleasure that they once experienced might not be the same amount at when they initially go back. Um, just a few things that might give you pleasure and things that might give you a sense of accomplishment or mastery, something that's difficult but possible. And if you do it, you would feel like you know, a challenge was accomplished.

and then keep you could keep growing. Doing a few things each day for pleasure and mastery over a several weeks actually works as well as antidepressants for moderate depression. It's literally behavioral activation is a proven treatment that works as well as medications, no side effects. uh getting a planner and being willing to do the things and also when you're doing the things be

totally present. Don't be thinking like I'm the worst at, you know, home repairs when you're doing your first one or thinking like no one likes me in a you know a social situation or something. And and a a lot of people think like I I'm gonna wait till I feel better to do better, but

you could be waiting forever and you could be feeling put yourself in a position where it's so much harder. And so I think even thinking about today, like what are some things you would do if you were living the way you wanted to feel and letting the behavior kind of it start from the outside in.

You can find out more about me at Chris DuffyComedy.com. I have information about my new book, Humor Me, How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy, as well as my live show dates and all my other projects up there. How to be a better human is put together by a team that makes my life so much less stressful.

And I hope that they're doing the same for yours. On the Ted side, we've got the unflappable Daniela Ballarezzo, Ban Ban Chang, Michelle Quint, Chloe, Shashar Brooks, Valentina Bohanini, Laney La, Tanzika Sung Manibong, Antonio Le and Joseph Du Brian. Ryan Lash languidly edited this video and the episode was fact-checked by Mateus Salas who is chill about everything.

On the PRX side, our extremely relaxed audio geniuses include Morgan Flannery, Norr Gill, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzalez. Thanks to you for listening. Please help me to not stress about new listeners by sending this to someone who you think would enjoy it. That's the number one way we get out to new listeners. is word of mouth. We will be back next week with even more how to be a better human. Until then, take care.