Stressing About All the Stress is Stressful

great guests. We have a wonderful young lady who has been a big part of the How Men Think podcast right from the very start. Hanna Nouga Bauer is with us. Hanna, how are you? I miss your face. It's good to see you, I know. So Hannah worked with the podcast break from the very start. Um has been part of the team. And Hannah is dealing with a lot of stress in her life currently as we all are, and then to to help her and assist her move through

this transition. We have a wonderful and talented guest with us. She's going to be a co host with me today. She is best known as dr V. She's a renowned relationship expert media personality, former host of we tv s Marriage boot Camp. You recently became a best selling author that debuted at the number one on the l A Times with the release of her very first book, Bad Advice, How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bullshit. I love it. Dr Venus Nicolino, Welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. I'm going to keep you in my back pocket for for whenever I need an intro. So yeah, just you can just look. Yeah, you can just loop that. Dr v um So, dr V. I'm super excited to have you on because, uh so much with the state of the world, with what's going on with COVID and just how has not turned out how anybody imagined it would. There's a tremendous amount of stress present in the world, and with the National Stress

Awareness Day, we want to open this up. In the goal of this podcast, Hannah is going to be courageous enough to share what she's going through, but the goal is for Hanna's story to inspire others to have conversations within their communities and hopefully receive from Hanna's story and from your guidance, how we can move through this time and deal with some stress. So Hannah, I want to

applaud you. You're courageous and brave and a lovely soul. Um. And so Hannah, I'll let you take the lead and maybe just let dr V know some of the things, some of the stressful things that are present in your life. Yeah, of course, Um, thank you dr V for talking to me. I mean, I feel like right now everyone is dealing with stress. Um. I'm a senior in college right now, and I'm living in Pacific Beach in San Diego, and I don't leave my house much, and it's hard for

me because I like to always stay busy. I like to be outside, and I think that this shift of online school and not having a lot of social interaction has been really hard for me. Um. I studied abroad in January in Barcelona for about three months through my school, and that was something that was really scary for me, and I kind of just went for it, and I got out of my comfort zone and I was living really far away from my family. I was on my own.

I was with a couple of friends, but it was a super foreign experience and I felt like I made so much personal growth being on my own and being somewhere where they don't really speak English, and I was pushing myself and then got set home because of the coronavirus. And now I feel like I'm kind of back at square one, where I'm I have taken a lot of steps backwards in my personal growth, and I'm feeling just very frustrated in that sense, and also just feeling stressed

out in what's next for me and how I keep growing. Okay, So I just want to address you had said that you felt as though there's a personal grows setback, and I'll tell you that that is a narrative and a story and a lie that you're telling yourself, because by being a part of what's happening today, by being aware of what you're feeling, you have grown exponentially already. So I know that it feels like that, but feelings aren't facts. So I want to just say that straight, that personal

growth is happening as we speak right now. And I also want to tell you that you are not alone. Over sixty two of Americans. That's can you imagine, I'm like that sixty of Americans are suffering with some kind of mental health struggle. People who would otherwise not be are now struggling. So just to give a snapshot of you had brought up the virus, So let's have a snapshot of that. In March it was about which is still a very very large number. Now we're almost at

six five. So just imagine that something happens. We have this enormous sphere right in March, we're all we're we don't know what to do with ourselves. We're devastated, we can't believe what's happening. You would think that that would be the height of our mental illnesses, our mental fears, our anxieties, are stresses. You would think it would be then totally it isn't. It's actually has grown. So it's not necessarily the virus that has helped us feel um

all sorts of negative feelings. But it's what goes around that virus. Right, It's what you had said, a sense of loneliness, a sense of isolation. We have job loss, we have drug use, we have domestic violence. We could go on and on and on about everything that has been in this pressure cooker that is just getting exponentially higher in statistics. And I'm glad you're here and not a bunch of bros. Although that would be um, well, Hannah,

that women experience more psychological trauma. They're reporting more psychological trauma, which begs the question are women bearing more of the emotional labor of what's happening or are men under reporting how they feel or both. It's a it's an interesting question, you know something to your October podcast and you're talking, you're answering all these different questions Brooks about you know, you know what men think and how men feel, and

of course what you think. You know, I feel this sucks for me, but you are answering these these these really really great questions and answering them with a lot of heart and a lot of humor. And it had occurred to me that's so much of what goes on with men goes unspoken. So I want to just really put that out there as definitely that the statistic is weighing heavily on women. Going back to you, you're not alone. Um, I think some of the issues here is what can

you do about it? M hm? So let's start there. Let's start there, what what can where are some starting points for Hanna or for anybody else who's going through this. Aim sort of similarities where Hanna, where their life was on a great trajectory and then COVID happened and things have been shut down, and now they're finding themselves in a foreign place where they're really isolated, really alone, may

be sad. Maybe some people are depressed, uncertain, unsure. All of these things just a tidal wave coming at once. What are some things, uh, starting points for people to start to deal with this amount of stress? Well, Hanna, I want to ask you, what have you already tried? What? What did it work? Yeah? I mean I feel like I hold a lot in and that's something that I've just done my whole life, and I've been really trying to just let it all out reately. Am I on you?

In a way? I think that I put up a really tough front, and I always like to be there for other people. But then I don't allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, or I don't even acknowledge that I'm having a hard day. Sometimes then it just builds and builds, and that's when it gets hard. So you are the receptacle, the container of everybody else's feelings. Yeah, and I and I totally like being that for my friends.

And the people around me. I genuinely like to be there for them, and I want to know what's going on in their life and I want to be that support system. But at times I feel like I'm missing that. Mhm. Is there anyone that we want our relationships to be equitable and for life, not just now, but now more than ever. Our relationships need to be equitable. Do you know what I mean when I say that? Yeah? Okay, so so many of what I'm hearing, so many of

your relationships aren't equitable. I'm gonna be na because I got a problem. And how doesn't listen all my because that's what Hannah does. She's my emotional container. Okay. And at the end of the day, who are you able to go to? Right? We need to make sure that we have people in our lives where it is equitable, where you are able to put your fears and your stresses outside of you. And let me tell you the

power of that. Once ple we voice a fear out loud, That fear has difficulty growing because it no longer has a host. It's a parasite inside of you, right, So you'll lay it out, you'll blurt out. It's so powerful all of a sudden, it loses a little bit of power. When you tell that fear and that anxiety to someone who's actively listening, really wanting to take it from you and hold it, it loses even more power. So now your anxiety, now your stresses are even a little less.

So social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing. I cannot stress that enough. This is your personal growth. Where can you how can you push yourself to rely on other people to be listened to? This is your growth and by the way, that is a lesson when you figure out how to do it. Please tell me because I've been almost fifty years so so you are you calling you when when you figure out to Um, Hana, I have a question for you. Do you believe do you believe

in your That's great advice, Dr be Us. I want to acknowledge you for that that social distancing isn't emotional distancing. That is wonderful, um and I want our listeners to

hear that in to receive that. Uh. And then my question for you, Hannah is do you believe that you have friends that you can or that can listen to you and hear you and hear your fears and support you and love you and be that container for you, and that you just haven't opened that up to share with them, or do you feel like you just don't have those people in your life You're willing to open up, but you have, you just don't have the people to do it right. I definitely have a strong support system

with my family and a lot of friends. I think where I struggle is I don't want to be the burden for other people. And that's something that I mean, I feel like I've just done my whole life like i just want to put up a front where everything's okay, I'm okay, don't worry about me, like I'm here for you.

And I've had to learn to get over that hump of accepting that it's okay for me to have feelings to everyone has feelings, like I'm able to feel things to share that with others, Hana, for a second, I want to reframe that for you and maybe our listeners. I'm sorry to interrupt you for listeners to to think about this as well. Um by you not having that relationship be equitable, by feeling like you're a burden, I

want to reframe that for you. It's a selfish way to be actually quite selfish because you now control that relationship. You now are the power dynamic of that relationship by holding back and by everybody giving to you. It's a powerful place to be. So it's gonna take a lot of your vulnerability to step forward. So so many times when we feel like we are the person, we are,

the backbone of everybody we are, that is true. I'm just giving you another version that that is not that that is very selfish, because other people deserve your vulnerabilities too, So I just kind of wanted to reframe it and hopefully like like what I'm really doing is using what you think is helpful against you. So I don't know, and I sure you're trying to be selfless, and I'm trying to tell you that's a selfish way to be. Yeah, And I think that's I think that's a really good point.

And it does like, if I'm being honest, I'm such a control freak and that kind of goes with what you just kind of like, I know I completely am and just looking back where I am. I'm a senior in college, and up until this point, I've kind of known what is coming next after middle school you go to high school. After high school, it's called and coronavirus

or not. This stage in life, I feel like it's kind of unsettling for some people because I don't know what's next, and not having that control or not knowing what's coming next scares me so much, and I just try and get all the control and other areas that I possibly can, If that makes sense. Well, yeah, I mean it's so when we know what's coming next, and particularly someone like you, you remind me of it. Would it be wrong to say that you're a planner? I

am a complete planner. She's and it makes her excellent at many parts of her job, and like like she's so good at that. Yes, these things that make us uh successful and wonderful, and certain areas can be our achilles heel in others. M I'm sure Brooks, as an athlete, you probably have had this as well, right, Like, like, what makes you strong in one area was your achilles heel in another time it was a shadow. It was

a shadow of the light. So what made you great on the ice may have made you I don't know. I'm just I'm just unemotional in a personal relationship exactly. So it's what makes us accomplished in one area can be our our Achilles heel in another. So this idea that you're a planner and that I got the sense that you are control for you, I'm so glad that you sort of brought that to like to say it for you. Um, it's good to know about yourself. And

so what does this mean? This means that number one, you're going to have to continue that growth of being a good planner, right So you don't want to stop that, you want to continue that. How do you do that? I'm sure you have a million in one ways. You're the planner. You look, you write down your a Like how do you cope with making sure you have a

plan for your days? Because I bet you this could help our listeners and like in terms of how you plan right well, I mean I'm sitting at my desk right now and I'm looking at my wall and I have sticky notes everywhere, like in rows of like Monday, Tuesday months. Yeah, I mean, I'm such a visual person who I like to see things and envision things, and

that's how I just plan and get organized. But the second that anything comes into my life where I can't plan on it happening, or I can't control how it's going to pan out, then I freak out. That's when I just like lose control and I don't know how to deal with that. No, again, going back to this being an incredible telling for your personal growth, Living in the moment is something that you're going to have to figure out how to do your entire life to experience joy.

How that's how we experience joy is that we live in moments to moments, Like when we laugh, it's an involuntary response. We're living in that moment. We were able to bottle just a little bit of joy. And when you're unable to live in the present, you're unable to experience joy. And guess what that does. That that magnifies on itself, begins to tap into all like trauma bonds. It begins to tap into the miserable gland in your brain.

Because when we biologically, when we smile, we send muscle memory. You're you're an athlete, Brooks. You know all about muscle memory, the memory to our brain that makes us happy. And when we're laughing, and then the quality of our life gets better. The more we laugh, the more we experience joy. The less we do that, the worst we feel. So how do you think again, I want to ask you, how do you think you could better live in the present?

I think just starting to let go of the control that I have on the little things that don't really matter. I don't want to let go of the control of the big things that are important, Like if I have something coming up, then I want to do everything that I can to control the outcome is really amazing, But the little things that I really don't need to control, Like I'm such a perfectionist and I won't want everything

to be perfect. In acknowledging the fact that it's okay for things to not be absolutely perfect and letting go of that control, I think is a start. It scares me, but it's at And that's that's the shadow side of like your drive, like because no one you and having worked with you, you are you are fantastic at what

you drop. Our pull We're looking after five guys our podcast when we started had five guys and we all felt absolutely looked after because Hannah Hada like we could show up and it was just like we were taken care of, Like you are amazing at your drop And then this is the shadow part of it, where it's where it's um what you were talking about, Dr B about how the blessing can also show up in your life as a curse, where this doesn't set you free

and causes you anxiety and drama and like nervousness and stress over things that are actually maybe out of your control. It's just it's being aware of that and then having the subtle dance to acknowledge that, Okay, I can't control this so much. This I really can, and I'm gonna champion it, but this is maybe an element that I need to leave a little grace in it for I'm going to ask you now how you feel in this moment, and by the way, how you felt before just changed

and it changed again, and it changed again. I mean, I think that even just letting this out and talking to Booth the view makes me feel a lot better. It's the reassurance side of making me feel like I'm not alone and that it is normal, because I get so in my head and wrapped up about oh my gosh, I feel so stressed and anxious and overwhelmed, and how come no one else feels like this? But they do, And it's normal, and I don't let myself acknowledge that

it's normal. I pretend like everything's fine all the time. While I'm happy you said that, I actually was attempting to have you live in the moment, which would be too understand what you feel in that moment. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel I feel annoyed, I feel sad, any one of those, I feel happy, any one of those things that if you're able the pinpoint to stop your day and really ask yourself, what am I feeling

right now? That the tool that grounds you in the moment that takes two seconds of your time, So I ask you again without planner kind of explanation and go on and on and on, because it's what it's what to do. So I want to stop you from doing it, like I wanted either to really help you. So I don't need to be uh hard ass, but I I want to help you in this moment. So I love it, like even towards me or or or any what is it that you're feeling right now in the moment without thought?

I feel overwhelmed? Yeah, yeah, very overwhelmed because I think, for the first time in a really long time, I'm acknowledging what I've been feeling, and it's really overwhelming. Is it over Can we dive? Can we unpack that a little? Honea? Is it overwhelming with I have so many projects and things that I have to work on right now I'll do at the same time, like, these are things in

front of me that are overwhelming me right now? Or is it I'm overwhelmed because I'm not sure what's coming and the weight of that uncertainty is really making me feel overwhelmed. Yeah, I think it's a mixture of things. I'm overwhelmed with school. I also have been living I feel like with a lot of guilt and feeling like I should be spending more time with my grandparents or my family. And that's something that I struggle with a lot.

I think to myself, why am I down here when my parents are north northern California and so are my grandparents, When I could be up there and I could be using this time to have quality time with them. It just puts a lot of things into perspective for me. Right now, when you had you, because I can see you are our listeners, I don't know if they will be able to see you. You almost looked like you were going to cry. I have been on the verge

of tears for like a week straight. Yeah, this week has been hard for me, and it's perfect timing that I'm able to talk to you. But yeah, I'm very emotional right now, and I don't like to cry. I don't like to let things out, but I try and hold it in as you can see. But yeah, I'm very emotional right now, and I'm just overwhelmed and I don't really know how to deal with it. Would happened, What do you think would happen if you cried and let it all out? I'd probably feel really good. But

I don't allow myself to do that much. And I'm completely aware of it. I'm very self aware and I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm telling myself not to cry, but it would probably feel really good, and I'm in need of a good cry. You're a little bit of a massa chist to yourself. You don know what you need and eletely well good? Why wait from it? Our self? Sabotage myself all the time. Yeah, I know exactly what I need, but I don't. I cry all the time,

and it's wonderful. Yeah, it's a great It's something I've like recently learned since the passing of our two dogs. I've learned like how to honor emotions in the moment and let them come up and through me and out of me. And a lot of times that's through crying, and it's and you know, Mihanna, I've played pro hockey for fifteen years, ran through dudes into dudes. I'm a dude. I love like being able to release emotion truthfully, organically in the moment, not suppress it. Not I I could

stuff it if I want to. It's so not healthy. It is so liberating to allow and give yourself the grace and the capacity to just allow that emotion to live and come out and then it's like, oh god, that felt great and probably very freeing. It's so liberating.

Dr V. Do you like encourage people to to cry or to let outstress or like you're you're you're hoping to encourage Hannah here to do it, but like, I've just learned that, and it is so liberating to honor those emotions and let them come to life and then they don't persist with me. Well, you don't have a choice because biology wins always, so you're going to end

up crying at some point. Oh that's wonderful yourself the space, as as Books was saying, to kind of make it sacred, right, why at some point all of us, whether we're going to get frustrated, like biology will win, we are meant to cry to release the chemicals and the toxins that are in the brain. That's why we do it. And there's different kinds of prize as well. They're silent crying,

they're screaming crying. There's trauma crying, there's anger crying. We have happy crying, happy crying, joy crying, we have all kinds of crying because the brain is meant to do its thing. So you're gonna cry no matter what at some point, whether you like it or not. Yeah, matter

of do you want to? And I'm going to use this again in your and as your benefit to con hold that because you can, you can have space, a sacred space where you're able to allow yourself to feel your feelings and allow them to come to the surface and understand that you are doing something good for yourself and even our planner. I want to encourage um, I'm gonna say this, and I hope that both of you don't I roll yourselves into another universe because I hear me say it and I want to I roll myself

and the universe. Um, there are these amazing many meditations five minutes of your time, manner, minutes of our day where you can go on to Spotify or any other place and you can play a five minute, many many meditation for anything you want, whether it's to release motion, whether it's for fear, for anger. Let's say you're overwhelmed your anger, whatever may be five minutes to take for yourself. And here's the rub is that sometimes we think like self care is about the actual thing we do. It's

really about the act of just doing it. So it's a little like gratitude. People think it's what they're great for. No, it's remembering to be grateful that gives you that feeling of a cocaine hit in your brain. So it's the act of doing it. So I wanted to just give you a real tool to hold onto because I know we're talking theoretically and a lot of times therapy is

about kind of theory and then reply to yourself. Um. But many meditations either before you start your day or before you go to bed, to really understand and help you live in the moment. It will help you in that moment. Yeah. No, that's amazing and thank you so much. I appreciate it. And I do want to start allowing myself to help me like I I can provide myself tools. I'm just not allowing myself the help. And there's about

this whole scenario. Um, there's something about the pandemic and how it's making you feel, how it's helping you feel, that's tapping in to a different trauma from the past. You brought up a lot of guilt, you brought up feeling out of control, you brought up feeling you should be with your there's something that it's tapping into a younger part of yourself. Um, and that's you know, that's

something for you to sort of think about. I don't know if that hits you in an eye roll moment or if that's sort of like, oh, let me let me think about that. Is it tapping into a younger

pain And that's wheels so out of control? Yeah, because I'm finally acknowledging all of my feelings from all of like yeah, and growing up because I mean, my parents will say all the time, like, you have no emotion, you show no emotion, like you never cry, And when I show the slightest bit of emotion then they're like, who is this person? And I think that you're totally write the pandemic and everything that's going on right now,

I view it as negative. But after this conversation, I want to start shifting my perspective in looking at it in a positive light, like You're so right. It has forced me to be more in touch with my emotion and for once, I'm acknowledging that I feel overwhelmed and that I am stressed out and that I'm a complete control freaking I need to just let go sometimes. So there are benefits. Yeah, yeah, I have two thoughts. Um DRV. You said the five minute meditation thing, um, to allow

yourself to feel what you're feeling. The one thing that really right now in my life works exceptionally well, UM is before breakfast, lunch, and supper, I will say a little prayer and I just say a prayer of what's on my heart. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful for this beautiful house and this beautiful bay. On this lake. I'm grateful for the air in my lungs, and just I just say what comes out of mynd and a lot of times I end up crying because it's in

the practice of gratitude. I also say I'm grateful for the blessings and the challenges in my life. I'm grateful that life isn't just easy and and and a lot of times I or like if I have friends here at the house, I'm like, I'm grateful for this time of connection that we create, the space to get together, to serve and give to each other's life. And I find myself like tearing up, and it's like wow, like that actual gratitude is actually I'm not just having gratitude.

I'm experiencing gratitude. And so prayer has been a really big one for me to be able to acknowledge what I'm feeling. It's it's just practicing gratitude out loud. Um. And then the other thing that I when you that I thought of earlier on Haunted, when you said you had great friends, You have people in your life, great family who would would be great resources to love you and support you, uh and hold you a creadle you

in whatever way mentally, physically, emotionally that you need it. Um, I want to tell you a little story that about my mom. Um. When I started playing pro hockey, and as a pro hockey player, I wanted to do something very nice for my mom. I bought my dad a boat as a gift, just of like, I love you, Dad, I'm not here without you. I bought my dada boat And I want to do something very nice for my mom. And she's like, I don't want anything. I'm not letting

you buy me anything. And I'm like, Mom, you're robbing your son the joy of giving a gift to his mother because you don't want anything. And so you not opening up to your friends or your family, are robbing them the joy of being there for you in a tough time in your life. How how excited are you when somebody's in a really tough time in their life and you get to be the person to hear them, to cut to created them, to love them, to talk them through it. Like the joy that you get in

that moment. You are not allowing others to experience that joy by not talking about yourself. But Hannah, you also said something very interesting that because you have conditioned others to receive you in a very specific way as unemotional, that when you do become emotional, you don't get the response that you need. That's important to think about it, and I'm wondering, what do you what do you mean there? Dr B? Can you can you impact that you don't

get the response that you should needs. As Anna had said it herself, Hannah had said that you explain to Hannah that people are so you being one way that when you are, you don't know what to do. Yeah, and they're just so used to me in that way, and so that when I am emotional, they're not going to know how to really. I mean, it's going to be four to them and they're not going to really.

So this is something you've experienced. I got the sense that this was something that you had experienced when you were emotional, that because you're not you that are and people are like, I don't know what to do with this? Is that what you're That's what I thought you were saying. No, completely. I think that because for so long I've kind of allowed myself to not be emotional, and I've wanted to just be the rock for everyone around me when I

start to show the slightest bit of emotion. Everyone so confused and they don't kind of know what to do because they're like, wait, Hanna is showing emotion and she's like has feelings, So you're so right with And I don't think I really ever thought about that. It was just kind of it's just normal for me, So dr for Hannah in that situation, or for any of our listeners that feel like that's them in their life. When they start to get emotional, people like, what is this

You're not using? What what could Hanna or our listeners do in that moment? Do they just bring voice like yeah, I am emotional, Like I need you? Can you I'm struggling? Can you listen? Can you? Like? How how can they get the response that they desire? If the response because we're not perfect beings. People are you know, people might not know how bad haunt and wants to really open up, but she's looking for somebody to pull that out of them.

If they aren't pulling that out of her, how can she help them become aware to do that to be like, I really need to hear well, sometimes we have to deep pattern people in our lives, especially our parents and the people and our family, like you were saying, you have this good support to stem of friends and families. So I'm imagining that those relationships are long right there. There, they've been since the time you've been born. Yes, so

they're long relationships. Uh well, I mean you're like twenty so they're not that long, but there as long as you have been alive. And so because you experience, you opened up maybe once, maybe twice, and you got you didn't get what you needed. Now now I know why you're not doing that. I now know why. And I find that in just this, you know, half hour of talking to you, a gift that I know something about you now that I didn't know before this. This has

been a pattern and that you have been traumatized. You haven't gotten what you needed. So that means you're going to have to be pattern the people in your life, and you're going to have to tee them up. You're gonna have to say, if you can, I need you right now, I need you in this moment, and I don't want your opinion. I want your support. So that's something that I've been telling a lot of people lately too, because everyone's full of their opinion. Look up, I don't

nobody wants your opinion. They just want your support. So it's important that you tell them what you need. If you want their opinion, and I love your opinion, but if you don't want their opinion, you just need support. I need you and I just need your support. I want your opinions, I just want your support. So you're gonna have the deep pattern those people and what does

that mean? That means you have to tea them up for what they're going to expect from you, because normally they would expect you to be a very certain way. Now you could take that even further. You could even have more courage and have a conversation about the times you came to them and you were emotional, Yeah you received them, and that you're looking for something different, that you want your relationships to be equitable, right totally. Yeah, No,

that makes sense. And I need to just start asking for help when I need it because I know that my friends and my family is so amazing, especially my parents, and I know that they will listen to me. I just don't allow them to listen to me. How do we get the courage to do that? Though? Dr V? Because that's what you're saying. I agree with completely, But how do we muscle up the courage to be that vulnerable to ask that, to to say to somebody like,

I don't need your opinion, I need your support. I'm really struggling because we all want to we're right, We're right there were It's like a cliff like we're about to go over it, but we stop ourselves. How do we just push over that line and really force ourselves to come out and say that, no, that the other side is looking for that. Yes, about the other side.

Know that the other side is waiting to receive you, that the other side wants that, particularly the way you've described your family and your friends, and by the way, I wouldn't say that about everybody, but we're having this conversation with you, Hannah, and I know that the other side is waiting for you. Yes, the relationship equitable, right, but you're so strong, right, you say it the way it is. You're the planner, and they allow you to

be the emotional vehicle of the relationship. They allow you to be the engine. So you're asking to sit in the passenger side. You're asking a ride shotgun. You want want somebody else to drive for a second in and there's nothing wrong with that because that other person wants to drive. Mm hmm. Yeah. I needed to hear that. I learned that lesson about a year ago. Dr b Um my whole life I was. I was like Hannah, I was great at being strong for myself. I could.

I was tough. I could, I could will myself through things. I could suppress emotion I could. And what what what ended up happening is that put me on an island all by myself, and I realized I really wasn't that strong. And what the growth that I needed to make was I needed to become strong enough to ask for help and to accept help and to let other first. Actually, even before before that, it was let others know that

I'm struggling, that I need help. And when I crossed that bridge, that was one of the proudest moments in my life. I'm like, I'm so proud of myself that I've learned that I don't have to be strong. I can be, but I don't have to be you, but that I'm strong enough to let my closest people in my life know that I need help, that I need support and then the tidal wave of support from these people.

They're like, oh my god, I love like like the clear schedules they come over right now, like they're just they show up the present. They're gonna text you tomorrow, will call you to more, They're gonna follow up how you doing, just checking in how's your heart? Like they are gonna show up in your life in as a tidal wave that is just and then that reaffirms like oh my god, I should open up again about something. But it takes the courage on the first time to

do it. But upon I'm really like, I'm so excited for you because I feel like you're going to take that step and your mom is gonna be so proud and happy to talk to you. Your dad and they're could be like I think got a little girl his our little girl like grown woman but sharing your heart. So proud of you, you know, as a as a friend of yours, Like I would love it if you called me and you said books, I need I need an ear. You know, I'm like, Okay, let me clear

everything and just be here for you. It's such a gift to allow people to step into that place, be in that place. What an honoring of that person that you trust them with your heart and your emotions. What a beautiful way to honor them. But I also say that I don't want you to self sabotage because a lot of times the planner be a person who's emotionally withholding,

and that's what you're doing. You're emotionally withholding. Will purposefully choose the wrong person to open up really yourself, you will purposely because you want to. You wanna, You're gonna have that self fulfilling prophecy, You're gonna you're right, so be I want you to not get caught in that draft, right, not subconsciously control. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm wanna, I'm wanna. I want to be in control. I'm gonna

make sure that don't have to share. I'm gonna make sure you have to remain the same all the time now like I am fixed in stone, I'm not going to change, and I'm gonna make sure I choose the wrong person to open up to. So it's about really making sure that you choose the right person to open

up to. And I said, it makes total sense, And I have a very very strong support system and I'm very lucky, and I feel so grateful for the people in my life, and I need to start I mean using them in talking to them, because they're in my life for a reason. Brooks, you to speak to um humanity as a whole, that we have been sold a lot um. So anthropologically and biologically humans are meant to cooperate. That is how we have survived. We are meant to join in joy and pain and happiness. Which is why

so mental things is happening now. Is we're unable to brush up against each other in a store, We're unable to see faces, were unable to experience, uh, the social animals that we are UM. And it really speaks to humans as a whole that we are meant for cooperation, that we are not warlike creatures being sold. All of that research has been debunked with chimpanzees and monkeys forever, and yet we continue to perpetuate this lie um. Humans

are meant to cooperate, We're meant to commune. People want to commune with you, and that's why I know on the other side someone's waiting for you. I know that for effect, because biology and science wins every time, and we call apart in our Western world, our hearts and our heads, and then science and statistics over here they're the same. They're there, they're the same that if you follow the through line, they just go hand in hand and they make sense. So your biology and your science

is going to win. Because humans were meant to cooperate and commune in difficult times, and because we're not able to do that, we're living unnaturally and it's tapping into people's inability to sleep, their inability to eat, or overreading or drug use or whatever it may be. Whatever we're humans are pushed to be unnatural. Um, there are consequences to that. So going back to what you were saying Brooks, there is a larger picture of of why, Um, you're

experiencing the other side in such a nice way. Yeah, and also to to put to take some of the stress off you, Hannah, and and any of our listeners too. Is is what you alluded to earlier, Dr v Um. A lot of the conditioning and the muscles that I've built to be able to perform in my career as a professional athlete, I strengthened those so much to perform in that arena that it was impossible for that also not to bleed into my personal life. So it's not

like I didn't want to be emotional. It was just I had practiced sensory deprivation. I've talked about this on this podcast so many times. I I practiced and trained sensory deprivation so I could go harder, longer, feel no pain, not here, noise, dosia, distraction in a twenty person building, I was a robot, and that allowed me to perform in that arena of sport. But it's subtract or detracted from my emotional capacity as a human being. And so

it didn't mean I was a flawed person. That didn't mean I was a bad person had all these I wasn't capable of all these things. And just like you, Hannah, like you have amazing skills that you have cultivated to achieve at a high level in your professional life, and it's impossible for that part of you not to also just subtly bleed into the personal side of your life. And so it's not a flaw within you that you

haven't been able to open up. But dr V and Hannah, you have brought attention to the fact now that it's okay to that you. We are all struggling and we want to open up. So now it's on Now, it's on us. Now it's time to take the ownership of that and to be the take our step forward. And Hannah, you've heard me say it on this podcast many times. Part of the reason why I wanted to do this podcast is because I'm not good at opening up. I'm

not good at talking. Guys talk about things, their trucks, the game, whatever, they talk about things fishing, but they don't talk about our hearts and what we're feeling. And I was the king of that, and that's why I wanted to do this podcast. And Gavin, you know, Gavin was also the king of that, and that's why we wanted to do this podcast. And we've said it many times. We want to step forward. What's our purpose of this podcast.

We want to step forward as men, masculine men, step forward and set down our armor, and in doing so, every other man around us sets down here and be like, thank God, because I'm also dealing with this. I'm also dealing with this, but this is doing this podcast is a way for me to practice this. This is why

I do it. So Hannah, I and I feel like you're a much more evolved person than I am, even hanted, So you have the capability within you and the power within you to reach out to people, and it's gonna be so liberating and exciting and you're gonna enjoy it. It's actually not scary. You're gonna enjoy it. It's gonna

feel so good for you to share those things. So however I can help, I just want to support you and saying you love and hope that you, um you do reach out to those people because they are waiting, as dr B that they're waiting for you with open arms. On the other side, well, thank you, I mean, I

appreciate it. And talking with you two today has just even made me feel a little little bit lighter in itself, and it's given me motivation to just keep talking about things, and it's made the process I feel a little bit less scary because you guys have been so receptive, and I know that if I'm getting this reaction from you guys, people in my life will be there, like you said, with open arms, and they're ready to help. I even see even see like me, Hanna, like my face is

glued at the screen. Um, whereas before I was sitting back here is because like it's just natural as a human, Like we all have hearts and we care about people. And I know you and I care about you, and I know you at a tenth of the degree that

everybody else in your life knows you. Um, but it's pulling me into like be closer, and our listeners can't see if my face is dammed up against and like because I just I already feel drawn to you, already feel drawn to support and to love you, and that that this person is this opening up and like I'm here, and so that same reaction is going to be present

through your friends or your family. Are the people who are closest in your life and closest to your heart, they are just going to lead into it with all of theirs. So I hope you do it real soon. And I want to say one of the things to you as a planner, reassure the worrior in you that there is time to do everything you want to do with your life, but you are not losing time. Reassure the worrior in you. And I think doing that for you will be very helpful on a regular basis because

you're planning because you're stressed and you're worried. That's that's the copy of that. That's because you've had to cope with other feelings, and that's why you're a planner. And I just want you to reassure the warrior insiderself that there is time to do the things you want to do with your life. Yeah. I really appreciate that. I mean seriously from the bottom of my heart, because I am such a warrior and I overthink and I think too much. My dad always tells me, you think too much.

But I just need to start having conversations with myself. And I think the first step is just acknowledging it within me that it's everything is just going to be okay. You just got to let it out. And things happen for a reason. I always try to remind myself that things happen for a reason. Also, Hannah, we have the most successful podcast in the world. Everybody in the world listens to it. So everybody in the world is going

to know your problems now. So even if you you've already you've already opened up, even if you don't know it, because your mom's gonna listen to your dad's gonn listen to it, and people are gonna be calling you alright, girl, like open up. So you you've you've announced it to the world already, Um, why not? Now everyone knows. Everyone knows. I'm gonna be getting calls in text starting next week. Thanks guys, Thanks a lot, Um, We love you, Thank

you so much. I just want to acknowledge you for your courage, because the bravery and the courage to step forth and share that, to share that publicly on this platform is so courageous. And undoubtedly there are many many women and men listening to this that are seeing themselves in your story exactly and will then go and open up.

That's our hope with this episode is they will also open up to their community, to there, as Dr VI says, equitable friends and show them love and honor them and honor themselves by opening up and say hey, I'm part of I'm part of us. I need you, I need your heart. I don't need your opinion everything that DRV said, But you've undoubtedly inspired people, Hannah, Um, You've inspired me, and I just want to acknowledge you for your courage and your heart. You've always been a joy to our

podcast and joy to be around. Thank you. It means a lot. I mean, this was the most that I've let out in months, and I really mean that, Like I have not talked for this long about my emotions in years, and it feels good. It does feel good, and it's encouraged me to just keep keep opening up and letting go of the warrior inside of me and letting go of the control. And I really will take everything to heart. I mean, I'm already looking at my planner.

I'm like, I want to write down everything that Dr V has said and rita at the beginning of my days, because I mean, you said it best. You just gotta trust yourself and everything's gonna work out. M Dr V. I want to thank you as well for pouring your heart into this conversation, pouring your heart into Hannah, and our listeners are undoubtedly going to thank you. Um where can where can our listeners find more of you? Where? On social media? On TV? Where can they find you?

It's a great question. It's always a brain teaser for me. So because you're everywhere, I write all down. So it's my Instagram is a doctor d O C T O R, A spell doctor, Underscore V Underscore Um, you can find me on Twitter at d r underscore v underscore tweet. Um, and you can find me. Uh, you know you can. My first name as Venus. You can look up in the sky and see me every now and again. So right, can you tell where can we Where can we get

the new book? Anywhere? Books are sold? Anywhere? Books are sold? So bad advice how to survive and thrive in an age of bulls? I love it. What can you tell us about the book? Just tell you, give us a little snip it. Well. Um. The New York Post dubbed it as one of the top five books that will change your life. So I think that that's when I got that actoe. I was like, wow, that's good for you. It doesn't deserve that. I don't think the New York

Post gets those things wrong. Wonderful very um. You know it's it's unique in a way as though. It feels as if you're having a conversation with your good friend over a glass of wine. And that's what I wanted it to have. I wanted you to have really um my voice and and really be reaching through the page. And and my goal with with really any creative endeavor is Hopefully it helps you change the way you see

the world. It helps just shift your world view, even if it's a millimeter, it means that I have done my job. So wonderful. Grab the book. I think you'll of it. You'll laugh a lot. It's super fun. You'll learn a lot about yourself and about the world. And and and Jojoy and thank you so much for having me Brooks and Hannah. Thank you again for uh really trusting both of us with um, yourself and your heart. And if you think that with us, god damn you

can do that with other people. Yeah. Yeah, wonderful, wonderful Hanna, thank you so much. Dr V, thank you so much. Once again. The book is called Bad Advice, How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of bull s. Um, thank you so much, guys. Dr V would love to have you back on here. We got to get the other guys on here because Hannah is very welcomposed. We got train wrecks of other guys here that that that needs your help. So UM, thank you so much, Dr BE. Hannah,

we love you, I miss you. Can't wait to see your face again soon. And to everyone else listening, thank you for tuning in. This has been wonderful chat, wonderful discussion. Until next week. Take care of one another, love one another, and we'll see you back here for another episode of How Men Think