Stop Kidding Around

She's in UH today and we're gonna have a discussion on how to adjust to the new normal, especially at home, UH with school coming back into play back to school. Everyone's excited. What does that look like? I'm interested. I've got four kids of my own. I know Jerry's got his kids, Alfonso's got his kids. What do we do? How are we doing it? We're gonna hear from them shortly. It Right now, let's bring in my two good friends, Jerry O'Connell and Alfonso. Jerry, Dude, what's up, Alfonso? How

you doing? Brother? I'm doing good man. I feel like you just came off the golf course. I think every time I see you're always golf think I listen, I've actually I haven't even been to my golf course in two and a half months. Oh is that right? Yeah, because I mean, why is that. Well we'll get into that during the interview, but I went, I've been all over the country in my RV and haven't played really any golf at home. I'm actually gonna go tomorrow for the first time in over two and a half months

to play golf. I'm gonna take my boy with me. Oh that's good, all right, Well, that's good. May happen having a little bit of fun out there, Jerry? What about you? Nothing? I actually, um, I am taking golf lessons. I'll be ready. I'm trying to get myself ready for or when I go out with Alfonso, and I don't embarrass myself totally when I'm out there. But nothing, man, just sitting at home watching you on Instagram, watching me

on Instagram. Well look, let's dive right into this. You know, uh, everyone kind of you know, knows that school is getting ready to come back in and people often how what's this new normal look like? For especially for fathers um and for you to look, you guys are big time, prime time celebrities. I gotta just ask you guys, straight off the top. Do you guys cook at home? I know you know, Alfonso, you've been in and out r V at home. Are you guys cooking at home? Um? No, no, no,

um when I've been home. But to you know, I'm really good at breakfast, so I'll do breakfast. Breakfast is something that I can do, but my wife is so much better at it that my kids. If I actually say I'm making breakfast, I hear the all like you know, like, well, I gotta feel that way. But every once in a while I give my wife a break and she doesn't want to, you know, she stays in bed a little longer with the baby, and and I'll come down and

cook for the boys. And it's like, you know, I'm eggs, maybe a little turkey bacon, you know, just basic, basic, basic, No turkey bacon, turkey bacon. But what about pancakes. Yeah, my wife does the pancakes. My wife, My wife does pancakes. She does the Swedish pancakes, is a regular pancakes. She does the pancake. So the kids really like the pancakes. I can do. I can do French toast. Okay, but good. You know they're not really into it as much. So so yeah, So I don't do a lot of the cooking.

My wife does most of it. But um, during during this pandemic, we've been doing it in our r V in different cities all over the country. So she's had to really up the quick RV cooking game, right, Like you don't want to cook for an hour in the r V, you don't really get you know, super specific and start getting creative. It's like, okay, what are the basics? What can we eat? What's quite? And she rocks it

out right. So the bob Evans, you know, mac and cheese and and and mash potatoes have been great for us because she can knock it out. Me. Yeah, no, not so much. I know too, You're you're on that bob Evans stuff too, Jerry, Listen. I know I know you're asking about our our culinary skills at bar because I do follow you on social media and if I recall, you posted a recipe for your vegan pancakes a couple of years ago. I recall, um, they looked amazing. I

unlike you. I'm not very good in the kitchen. Hence why I think Bob Evans and I work so well together. They are ready to eat all real ingredients. I popped them in the microwave, and my children have mac and cheese, mashed potatoes boom right there. Because I am now now that they're distance learning, I am now their cafeteria chef, so I'm in charge of their school. So you just you look it up with the Bob Evans in the boom boom boom, and they go, hey, guys, now get

back to your zoom class. Exactly. It's um, it's it's it's just so easy for me. And also I'm ashamed to admit I am not the vegan pancake culinary expert that you are a far you well, no judgment. It sounds great. I'm hungry too right now, and that sounds great. You might actually convert me. Well, my wife, my wife is of Swedish heritage, so she makes the Swedish pancakes also, and so she rolls them up with the butter and little powdered sugar on there. So there's and then we'll

make them make the regular pancakes. Will make banana pancakes. Will make blueberry banana pancakes, so she she rocks it out me. The Swede panca. I've never heard of that before. The pcakes. The Swediest pancakes are like paper thin, so you actually need a grittle to make it all. You can't make them in a pan or anything like that. You gotta need a full griddle. And you make them. She makes a gluten free one and it's like super paper thin and you roll them up. Um, you can

put it's like a create. It's basically like a crepe, except of a pancake, and so it tastes a little different than a create. Create doesn't really have the flavor. Where do they still have some of that flavor? Well, look for all the listeners. For those of you guys who actually want to get more information on Bob Evans Farm, you guys can go and find that information on bob Evans Grocery dot com. Um, I'm sure people are going

there right now. That sounds pretty good. We're talking about fatherhood, you know, and fatherhood has been challenging, I know, at least for me because you know with four kids funds. I know you have four. I've got twins Jerry, I know you've got twins. What's been the adjustment, um or the biggest adjustment you guys have had to make during this time, because I think especially I know, you know, husband and wives can kind of go at each other.

For me personal story, in the first two or three weeks, I was like super Dad, trying to do everything, and then after a while I just was like and I just hey, maybe yeah, you take this because it was hectic. I didn't know what to do. And so now preparing for the new school year, I'm trying to come up with some more plans, but I wanted to hear kind of some of you guys plans on how you're gonna

just for this new staying at home and distant learning. Well, I'm I'm actually one of those people that I view life. I'm very mental about life, right, So what I'm always trying to do is recognize, Okay, this is our new normal. Let's figure out how we do this for the long distance. Right. So I'm not gonna be the guy who comes in and goes I am super Dad for two weeks and

now I'm out. Um. I I want to be, you know, a stable, steady flow through the summer through all of this, um, and so my wife and I have agreed that I think the best way to do that is to find the things that we do and keep a normal pattern every day so it doesn't feel very different. Then eventually, once we reached the point where that was, you know, two and a half months old, we then said, all right, we need to switch this up and we bought an RV. So we bought the r V and went out. Basically,

I've driven over twelve thousand miles. Dead serious, So we broke out. We were like out of l A, like l A. The numbers are going crazy, the world is kind of opening up, but I don't believe that we're gonna be okay. So we were like, let's break out of here, let's go, let's go see family, let's do it. R Ving is the is the easiest social distancing way to travel. You are by yourself, you never need to be around anybody. You go into the truck stop, you

put your thing in. There's actually apps that you can do where you you're like, I'm at pump twenty three and fill it up, get back in and keep it moving. Um. The only thing you ever have huh, expensive gas for that. Um, well it's diesel, so you know, it's it's it's in some places it's more expensive. In some places it's cheaper, depending on where you are in the country. But but we we we just went and we and we loved it, and so we got into the rhythm of I always

said to her, you handle inside. I got outside, right, So anything that we're doing outside, anything that was like physical with the RV, all of that was me. She handled all the inside, most of the cooking, most of the you know, we both clean, but um, you know, the handling of the stuff inside. She got about what about the zoom meetings for for classes and and all the educational stuff. So typically at most r V parks they've got WiFi, so you can tap right into the WiFi.

The other thing is is that my RV actually has a four g um actual hot spot. So I as long as I have cellular, I have a hot spot, and basically I have WiFi that everyone can connect to. So Alfonso's WiFi in his RV is way better than my WiFi at home as loud as you've got cellular. As long as you've got cellular, the WiFi works great. Like for the kids. We you know, we're streaming in the r V. We've got WiFi, we can get on computer, we're we are a mobile unit traveling around the country

and it was fantastic for all of us. Now I'm back in l A because now we're back at work and we're filming a f V again, So I've got to be here. But I have like a month that I'm gonna be off. We're wrapping up in the mid September and we're gone. We are out of here again. We're gonna go away for a month, go traveling. UM.

Whenever we need to go anywhere. We're gonna just make sure that the places that we go have four G capability UM, and we'll be we'll be doing schooling and social distancing all of that while still not being stuck in the house because we just don't know how long this is gonna be. And for us, we felt like it was super important to create a world that they're going to be happy in. UM. Unfortunately, not to create that world for my kids, you know, to be able

to buy an RV, to be able to go do that. UM. But but I think the important message, though, Alphonso, is what you're talking about is the ability to adapt. So you know, regardless of what their finances as your capability is, you had something that you were able to adapt and it was sustainable. And and so I guess I asked you, Jerry, like, what was your how did you adapt and what was sustainable for you? Because you know, I think I'm looking

at myself right now. I did something that wasn't sustainable. I wanted to overdrive to try to compensate for all of this hectic stuff, and like you know, new information coming out, and so I try to go an old drive and then I got burnt out. It wasn't sustainable. And then I just telling myself sitting in my office watching the news, feeling like I was depressed and just getting all the update, Well what should we do? Should we overbuy? And do we done by it? It was

all this stuff. What's been the way that you've kept things sustainable? Jerry? Well, my family and I did rent in RV for four days and we drove to the settlement four miles. We we went to the southern tip of Yosemite. And after four days, I mean it was not going well. We got out of their movie, so we don't have I don't have the bond that Alfonso's

family has with each other. Obviously. UM no, if the if there's anything I've learned, UM during these last five months, is I really have to have patience as a dad. You know, I'm you know, I'm the dad, and um if I'm freaking out, um in my household, and by the way, I have a right to be. I when I got married to my wife, I never thought I'd be spending this much time with her. When I had children with my wife, I never thought I would be spending this much time with them. I mean, we're kind

of joking, but I'm not. Normally, I have a job, I go somewhere. Uh, I can go out to a restaurant, I can go meet my buddies at a bar. I can go play golf with Alfonse. So um, really all of those things are not open right now, and I'm stuck with these three people in my house. And listen, It's very easy when your kid comes in and screaming about, you know, not being able to get onto a WiFi, onto a zoom class. You know, it's so easy to

say like, um, you know, stop yelling at me. I don't know why you're you're kicking on the zoo class. It's not like I'm not like a zoom experts um, you know, I like, I don't work at best by What what do you think? You think? Geek squad um? What was it? What was your first response when your kids say, hey, Dad, I want to change my background? My daughter asked me, that's like, I don't even know what that is, Like, what are you talking about? Like?

How do you change? All my friends have backgrounds. I'm like, I'm sorry, I've never even heard of m until the year. You've having a seventeen year old, right, so she's the one. It's like if I need to know how to do something, I'm like, hey, Sienna, can you show me how to do this? And my wife is really good at that, you know. Listen. The beauty of all of this is basically being able. Like I bought a new RV. New RVs typically have the most problems, right, An older RV

actually is typically they've gone through all the problems. I've gotten them fixed. Right. So I went into this knowing that things were going to happen. We were going to deal with people who were going to be rude. We were gonna deal with racism because we went through areas of the South and places in the Midwest that we're not school. We were dealing with, you know, the r V having trouble. At the end of the day, it was like, we're not going to allow this to affect

our energy. We are going to blow it off the shoulder and keep on moving. And I think that is and I'm not saying that I'm perfect and anyway, but I look at it and I say that is what we all need to be able to do during this time. Nothing is in our control. We've got to let go of certain things that are simply not controllable and accept that, Okay, these things are going to be difficult. These things are hard,

but how do we roll with it? And for me as the guy, as the man, as the man of the house, I'm like, well, if I set the tone, then everybody else can follow. Right now, how do you how do you move that forward? Because there are a lot of people who are you know, who are listening in and they're saying, Okay, I need to now learn from what I did last year. What are some of the things that you learned from last year that you go, okay, you know what that didn't work. This is what I'm doing.

In for for example, my kids fitness levels dropped. Uh, they're eating habits got nasty. I mean because and myself included, because I constantly was going to the fridge either out of emotional boredom on a stress. My kids feel like they're locked up. Where you play outside, Okay, go real quick and ride your back around the thing. And you

know we're just making stuff up. But now like for for for example, I am now like creating as as we're speaking now, as soon as we get off this off this podcast, I'm actually creating a PE list for the entire school years, so I know that the fitness level no matter what during PE time, there's no I'm not taking any meetings, I'm not having any work. I'm not doing anything unless they come pay me to do. I want my kids and I want my kids in your gym class. I will send mine to the school

of pech. I think, I think what you're saying is absolutely perfectly right off Like I think you're you're you're creating a system, and that is the way we all function at least for us in our house, is the best. Like when it's just like well, we're just gonna roll with it. It doesn't always work the best. This is what doing. We're getting up in the morning. We're gonna take our showers, we're gonna brush our teeth. We're gonna go downstairs. We're gonna have breakfast. We're gonna zoom class

for two hours. Then we're gonna get up. We're gonna go outside. We're gonna run around. When we're outside running around, we're gonna do this, this, this, this, and this. Okay, then we're gonna come back in. We're gonna do that again. We're gonna got on a zoom call. Then we're gonna get off of that. Having a complete schedule, we actually have a board and we write down everything that they need to do, whether it's speech classes or whatever. It's

on the board. So now you're not actually being the bad guy. The key to it is it's on the schedule. It's already on the board. We know we have to do this, and I know that it stinks right now that you've got to do it, but it's on the board. You make the board the bad guy, and you sense it. And of course you know as they get older, they're like you wrote the board we're talking about, but you're

keeping them on a schedule. Kids like consistency, right, Why do kids, you know, at a younger age not get upset when they have to go to school because it's consistent. They know they gotta do it. This isn't this isn't a choice creating those systems. It's exactly familiarity with things that they're comfortable doing. If you create exercises in your backyard. Um, I lost ten pounds over COVID right, like, yeah, you

saw it looks very gave you. Jerry just gave you that look like come on, man, like I put on you know, it was a look of I'm ashamed right now because I show you what I don't want to show you what's happening under here. You know what I call it. I call it Corona Chubb. That's what I've called it. I've called I've put on six pack there,

it's like now it's like a one pack now. But it was any but any facial expressions I was making was out of jealousy, saying here like, come on, I lost ten pounds and it's just simply one wife's cooking right now. I don't get to go to in and out, or I don't get to go to my favorite restaurants that put a boatload of butter and other stuff in it that like is going to make you gain weight, Like she was being consistent with breakfast, was this, lunch?

Is this dinner? Is this? And different? You know, switching it up of course, but it was controlled so to me. And then getting up in every day when we get to a new RV site, we go for a walk, get the kids out, we're gonna go. They hop on their scooters, We go for walks, we walk around the place, we get up, we do some exercise, we went a little bit, we throw the ball, We're doing stuff, and we're moving every day. And that's just consistent. If you can do that every day in your home living, that

consistency turns into positivity. So, Jerry, what what kind of fun activities are you doing with your kids to get them moving or just just to kind of break the monotony of being at home, because I think that's the other part that was difficult, is that I think my kids got tired of seeing our four walls, you know, just like, uh, do we have to again anything you're

doing differently? First of all, at Bar. I do have to say, if you do do a PE class for kids in school, please put it on your Instagram, send us all the link. Let's all join up. This would be amazing if you had like a large PE class that you were running it. I mean, I would be definitely into that. It's tough to get my kids moving

around a little bit, you know. I mean, I think it's also why I'm so grateful to be, you know, partnering with Bob Evans these days, is that you know, we're responsible for every meal at home now and if not for Bob Evans and they're ready to eat you know, meals with made with real ingredients. Um, i'd uh, I'd be up the creek man. You know, I'm gonna jump on that because I can tell you real talk. My grocery bills I mean just went, I mean just it

just we blew up the whole budget. The budget was just blown out because it was hard to kind of figure out what the new pacing of eating was and not having stuff there, and we lost time because we're like, I'm hungry, we gotta make something because we weren't used to that that that flow where you know, at home

when that's cool. We're not worried about making anything. Now we have to try to come up with the menu and try to create all of this to kind of, you know, keep the kids at bay and then you know, there's these long stretch, but any other fun activities you might be doing with the kids, or any great ideas like just to kind of break up you know, I mean, listen, I know I'm speaking to an elite athlete right now. UM. I do want to say I did attempt to put

my children into like a soccer camp before all this. Um, I have two daughters and you know, I wanted to see if they they had any athletic ability whatso whatsoever. And I put them in a soccer camp and the coach called me up, and uh, I was like why is the what why do you call me up? Coach? And he was like, I want to talk to you about your daughter. And I was like, wow, this is this is how it happens, Like this is in my head.

I was like, you your your your kids starts playing soccer and then the coach says, I need to work with her alone. I think she's she can really take it to the next level. I think we have the next Mia Ham on her hands here and I was like, I guess I'll be driving her all over the country in our different tournaments and stuff. I can't believe this. Like she's gonna represent the United States. It's gonna be really great. And the coach said, your daughter shows no

interest in soccer whatsoever. I feel bad taking your money and having her come to this class all the time. It's like, wow, coach, I don't pay you to hear your opinion. Just keep her alive, her run her. That escalated quickly. I mean, it was a precipitous drop. That's that's the balloon. It one. The thing is the thing for us is that like and I'm I feel like

I'm really lucky. My two boys are UM are Jeff athletic, and they want to run around and they're literally outdoors trying to, you know, run around and do as much as they can all the time. UM My daughter was UM on the road to being an Olympic gymnasts. UM and now she's seventeen. She heard her back, so she wasn't able to do it anymore. But the meeting, the

minute that happened, she switched over into dance. UM, so you know, motivated physically, Um, my kids are so for me, it's it's then kind of focusing that energy, trying to just make sure that that energy gets focused into learning, into developing skills and becoming better at whatever they're they're interested in. Um, I'm probably this afternoon gonna take my my kid out to the driving range and we're gonna go hit golf balls, right just because he wants to go do it. He just he's all in so um.

But but in terms of advice, I would say, you know, you've got to make it fun. I think every person who's ever made it to the elite in any sport, in anything in the world, it's not other people pushing you to do it. You gotta find those things that they enjoy, you know, have them try everything. People you used to laugh at me all the time because it's like, dude, you do everything, And I'm like, yeah, I do everything.

The reason why I do everything is because I tried everything right and I didn't just try and like I did it one day and I was like, yeah, I didn't like it. I was like, no, no, I'm gonna learn how to play baseball. I played baseball. I'm gonna learn how to play basketball. I played basketball. I'm gonna learn how to race cars. I race cars. I'm gonna learn how to play golf. I play golf like I do it. I learned how to play racquetball. I learned how to play tennis. I learned. I learned everything and

learned how to dance. I learned how to sing. I learned how to act. I learned how to direct. I learn how to light. I learned how to write right. Like, just keep learning, just keep trying, and don't make it a short run. Figure it out, do it just enough. Just motivating our kids to just try things and to experience things is the key. The one thing I've said in all of my life. I do this all the time. I say, I don't want to read about something in a history book or in a geography book. I want

to go see it. I want to go experience it. I want my kids to go what does Mount Rushmore look like? And not decide to go to a magazine or a book or on the internet to look at pictures. I want them to go to our picture library and go, oh, when we were at Mount Rushmore, this was cool because of this, this, that net because they experience it, and that experience experience really sticks with them. It's something that is cemented in them. I guess the last one for

me would be for both of you guys. Jerry, I'll start with you, is how do you challenge your kids? Because what I've seen and what I know to be true, is that when you're with your kids that long, you start to see deficiencies areas that maybe the schools can't see because oftentimes when you you send your kids to school, you know, you come home and you've got the homework that they're dealing with. You see that. But I'm seeing other things and my kids that I didn't know really existed.

So I'm trying to challenge them. So I guess what's the best play because I know I Fonso was talking about trying to find a way like athletically, what what a kid likes? How do you challenge your kid in a way that is productive? Um, you know, sometimes feelings get hurt. How do you do that? And You've got twins so I know and I both have shared that

in common. I find screaming at them helps if you really like get in their face and you really yell and serious teasing, making fun of them, teasing them, finding out what their insecurities are really like, get hammering them on those These are jokes everyone. Um I guess it's like Fonso said, just find something that they also enjoy, you know, I mean, like I mean Alfonse, I was just talking about it. With the golf too. I got

a couple of lessons for my girls. I was really I saw that photo of Tiger catting for his son and I was like last week, I was like, girls were taking some golf lessons. We're getting out there and they're just not feeling it. And you can't force you can't force him to do with what they kid do. Hey, act bar, I gotta say that photo you posted with your son and Kobe the other day was very emotional. That was bring the kids and athletes and stuff. I

mean that was crazy. Yeah, you know, those those types of moments you never forget. You know. Obviously yesterday was um or when I posted that Ko Kobe day and just thinking about you know, him taking that time after he kept his word during the game that yeah, I'll come get that photo with my son, and it was just one of those things I'll never forget. So that's why I posted it um, I'll find some what about you.

We're out of time here, but I wanted to get your thoughts on how you challenge your kids to be the absolute best when you're around them for so long, especially when you see weaknesses you know academically, how do you challenge them to get better in that? So? I like to utilize UM. When I used to race cars professionally, there were two trains of thought, right. The first thought was where are you good on the track and where

are you bad on the track? Make the areas on the track better and try to be just overall good. And then the other thought was, don't worry about the places you're bad on the track. Make sure you're the best on the track in a specific area, because if you can just make it through while in your bad areas, you will really succeed in the areas that you are great. So I don't try to focus on the areas where they're where they're deficient. I try to really push the

areas that they are great at and really lift those up. Now, by lifting those up, you create a difference between what they're really good at and what they're not if they have it inside themselves, and that kind of internal motivation. They'll want to lift the bottom and get it closer to what you've excelled at. So to me, I'm pushing on all the areas that they're great. Let's just focus here, focus and be better, be better, be better, be better,

be better, be great, be great. Because they desire that they want to be great there, then that ego lifts the bottom of the things that they're not so great at. They'll help lift that up to be closer to the areas in which they're great at. Um. Did you also did motivational speaking as well? Did you say that I've done. I've done a little. But but the thing for me is that that is the that is. You know, we all have to have a theory of our lives. How do we function and what is our theory about how

do we succeed in life? Right? Jerry and I know this very well. In acting, one person gets the job. So if I'm a chubby, short guy, I don't need to work on my muscle skills because I'm not going to get a role as a big hunk in an action film. I'm a little chubby guy. I need to be funny, so I will be the funniest little chunky guy on the planet, because that's where I'm actually going to succeed. And then once I succeed there, I'll lift,

I'll get shape, I'll do that. But be great at the things that you're great at it, don't be mediocre at everything. Yeah, I love that. I love that because what I'm hearing from that is operating in your strength. And that's what I noticed with my own kids. I try to get them to operate in their own strength. Um. I try to encourage them. I try to identify the negative talk because you hear that, you know, when they get off the computer, if they're frustrated from a lesson.

I try to identify the negative talk and then encourage them because I always say, my mom told me this a lot, is that your words are very powerful. When it comes out of your mouth is usually your state of mind. And so trying to reverse that and get them to see the best of themselves. But guys, this is great. Um, you know, people are getting a real thought or real look into how men think. So thank you, guys, Jerry Alfonso for giving your time. Twelve thousand miles. That's

a lot of miles. Now I gotta go look at my budget and see if I can at least get six thousand miles in our because that's pretty dope. I'm not gonna lie, that's pretty dope. Yeah, we were about to put a bunch more. We put a bunch more all there each bob Et Grocery dot com foods along the way. All right, thank you guys so much. All right, so we're back, and let me tell you that was such a great conversation with Alfonso and Jerry. I learned so much. We're so we're so much alike, but we're

so different and so that was cool. But uh, we've got a real treat coming up next. You guys know her as the Supernanny, but Joe Frost is just an absolutely an amazing mind and amazing supernanny. Joe, are you with us? Appreciate Thank you for having me. Yeah, no problem, I mean you are v Joe Frost. Obviously the Weld

earned title of the Supernanny. What would you say the parents, the parents who are listening, UM is probably maybe if you have an advisor to on how to start the new school year, because I think that's probably the most important thing. A lot of people are anticipating what is this year going to look like? Last year kind of a last school year rather was just kind of a wash because we were all kind of reactive. How do

you become proactive in this new school year? I mean, first and foremost, I think you have to which is a tough one for American families. Having spent many, many years around the world helping different families. Um, I think you've got to lower your expectations. I think we in our mind want to be running the gamut of how things were before and psychologically being in a space to be able to accept where we are at right now,

where the limitations are. But what we can do is a mindset that basically allows us to look at the cup of right what can we do rather than feeling like everything's being taken away from you and the walls are getting smaller and small are so lowering your expectations Number one is important. Um, with respect to you know, what can we do in the day? How does that schedule work? Because I can tell you having spoken to families around the world regarding school, it's not ideal for

any of us. You know, it's not a perfect picture. With respects to how those schedules bode with parents that are homeworking. Um with the amount of different kids of ages that parents have and the work that's going to be expected, Like you know, you want to pray right now that you hope that you taught those life skills because if not, you're going to have a nine year old that's going to be calling you like a five

year old right needing to do work right now. And it's teaching us, you know, it's it's in a way I see it like like an athlete. Right there's the endurance and the stamina and the moments where you push yourself a little bit more because you're having those breakthrough moments right to excel. And right now, that's what parents

are doing up here. You know they're finding it tough and there, you know, they're feeling like they're nearly at the finished line and they're being told not just a little bit more, just a little bit more, just a little bit more. And that's painstaking because right now we've got a whole heap of parents crying, yeah, thinking that a finishing line maybe here, but we can't see it. There's no exploration date. So I would say lower expectations be realistic with what you can manage. It's not going

to be perfect. We cannot reach that. However, our duty first and foremost is to look after our kids, keep them alive, keep them safe, make sure that you have a routine in place that it's going to support the schedule that allows you to be able to pace yourself during the week. But because if you don't, then you don't get enough sleep, Then you get irritable. Then arguments happen.

Then the kids a moody for every little thing, Like you cut the toast in triangles and it's not good enough now they want it in square Like your teenager is arguing with you and all of them, you know, all of a sudden, you're like, I'm arguing with my liven year old here, like what is going on right right?

And you're like, what is going on? Like I just sound like I'm in a playground right now, um, And you find yourself caught in this tornado of mayhem rather than a moment where you can stay grounded, stay grounded and focused on what's the objective. The objective is not to complete everything perfect. The objective is to be able to pace, have a routine that supports the family, come together if you can at lunchtimes and meal times so that you can connect. Don't spin a thousand plates again,

we'll give each other medals or look a thousand plates. Joe. I love this what you're saying, because that's exactly all the things that my wife and I we did. And I think lowering the expectation. And it's hard because I'm a former professional athlete and you know, I do tend to set the bar high because I've been trained that way. Like you know, you want something, you gotta go for it.

But I think what happens is is that it not only stresses my wife and I out, but I think it stresses out the kids because there's certain things where you just are not going to be able to do and you have to do you do you want, But you do understand what that mindset, which it's not a weak it's not a weak it's not a weak mindset. Because for me, hearing that and initially when you set that lowering the bar as an athlete, I hear that, and as a man, I hear that is Okay, I'm

giving my kids less. I'm not giving them the best. I'm not pushing them to be the top. But if you're actually saying to actually, if you lower that expectation and you're not trying to throw so much on their plate, you're able to get the most out of this entire situation homing, you know, school, and it is being okay with your best right. The reality is that we're in an environment that is not conducive to us reaching what

we were before. So that's like somebody saying to you, hey, um, you know, we're going to have an egg and spoon race right now, and your legs are gonna be tight, but hey, the rest won't be. You're like, well, how am I going to compete and run as fast as the rest? You know? And the reality is is that you can't expect to be able to meet what you did last year based on the confinement of what is

expected of you. Parents right now are expected to be the puppeteer, the entertainer, the teacher, and the parent, and at the same time, the person who you know is working at home holding down enough dialogue to keep your relationship together when you've already spoke four thousand words and you're done. And on top of that, now let's talk about redefining mascularity because you just spoke about being a man and saying, I don't want to think that it's weak.

I need to remind myself that lawing my expectation is not a weak thing as a man. And to me, that talks to a bigger topic with respect to as we are finding out more about ourselves and and the strength that we have, and it is forcing us to have communication that we can no longer use excuses for as in, we're too busy at work, we don't have time where passing ships. I've got to get to work. I've got to stay longer. You know, well, schools doing this.

The a thousand excuses that I hear on a daily basis been they've done it, I've tried everything, nothing works. The I've tried everything, nothing works. Culture. On top of that, this is a major breakthrough for men because women already had that movement in the sixties. We already went from apen string bearing children, cooking up big peach cobblifies to we're in the workforce right and we're holding down careers

and earning money. And I think there's been a whole, a whole level of movement with men over the last

not that long. I'm going to say maybe over the last seven eight years, where we have men really growing and processing what does it mean today to be a man and redefined masculinity because it's not how we were raised when we were younger and the models that we saw from men when we were young boys, but it's what's expected of us now as fathers, as husbands, and how we sit comfortable with that so that we can grow and be in in this mode that's not survival.

You know, I'm not the protector or the provider or um. You know, the person who is even maybe now the bread winner, but the person who is emotionally supportive, the person who is is going to recognize that emotionally expressing themselves and showing up with purple jobs rather than pink and blue jobs in the house is about teamwork together and it doesn't itself based on gender. Does that make

sense to you, Yeah, it does. But I want to push back and have a conversation in regard to that, because as you're talking about that purple, the pink and blue coming together again. Coming from a you know, a sports background, I realized the the importance of team, the importance of having different roles as a quarterback. You know, I was never a quarterback, but my quarterback, you know, he gets the attention. He does all these I'm a defensive lineman. We have two different jobs, but we're on

the same team. And I feel like, and correctly if you think that this is wrong or if I'm off chart here, but I feel like the purple mindset means that it comes it stems from comparison. Well I'm doing this, I'm doing that. I remember early in my marriage, my wife was like, well, I'm at home doing this, that and the other. And I'm saying, well, I'm at work

doing this, that and the other. And I was just like, rather than comparing who's doing what and whose job is harder, why don't we realize to be able to operate in our strengths so that way we can service our family, because that's the team unit. Because I think when I try to do what my wife is doing, and if I try to put the pressure for her to do what I'm doing, I'm really taking away from what she

does best. She's taken away from like there's a there's time to to make adjustments and change, say hey, look, I need to lean in over here she might need lean in on the other side. But I think when you start making this making me into something that I'm not, or making a man or a woman into something that they're not, and we're all designed differently, so it could be reversed. So this it could be the woman is the breadwin and the man is to stay at home.

So it has nothing to do with who's doing what as much as respecting what they do for the team. Does that make sense because purple, don't you think purple is saying that essentially you're cutting yourself fifty fifty for moos like you need to be doing that some of that and you need to be just so and boom there you go. Now, no, there are two different things.

So so you and your partner have have the strength that you're good at, right, all the things that you love to do and the things that you're really good good at. Don't fix it. It's not broken. It's what you love to do. It's what your best. That you work that out between the pair of you, that makes you instinct it together. Then there then there are the overall tasks, jobs, house chores that need to get done, and that incorporates work as well. As how you're raising

the children and being productive with them. And this is a time now where it's not defined by gender, like while it's the man's job to do that or it's the woman's job to do that, it's a moment of recognizing that it's a job and it needs to get done. So if you've worked out what your strengths are and where you are in sync, because it's just a given right, then the purple jobs become tasks that need to get done that do not identify themselves as a woman's role

or a man's role. And I'll give you an example right now, because this is what I have been dealing with a lot across America. We've just currently, you know, because of COVID finished filming Supernanny, and I was helping a family where the father was the breadwinner. And this family or an Instagram family where they make their money from sponsors, you know, and they tell their family story and the mother generated a demographic that brought a lot

of interest in sponsorship. So they worked out together. But it would make sense that he was at home raising the kids and that she was at work going into

a space where she could do her work. However, they had major internal conflict as a couple because in his mind he felt that he brought nothing and had no value because how he had been raised was the value himself based on what he could bring in monetary and that money and that is what men are going through right now as well, is the recognized is recognizing that it has shifted over the years into a space that men are learning to value themselves not just based on

whether they bring it in money or protect or provide, but the emotional intelligence of how they are productive fathers and husbands and the team, what that they bring in and not babysitting the kids. No, you're raising your kids. You're not babysitting your own children. You're raising your children. You are as valuable and as instrumental in their lives as their mother. You know, are we erasing some of the paternal instincts because I've heard you said a couple

of times, um, you know, protector provider. I find that that is a a paternal in my opinion. I'm sure somebody will blast me about this, but in my opinion, I think that that's a paternal instinct. Like I'll never forget what my wife to me that we were pregnant, that she was pregnant with our twins. Um, the first thing my brain went to was, Okay, how much am I gonna need to work? How am I going to protect them? And like my brain just she's thinking about something.

She's thinking about what why am I forgetting this in a couple of years and that was eight years since we baby, when they nesting, he's thinking about what was gonna look like? And this was all natural, no judgment,

like that was her thing. And I think that somehow, you know, I think some of the conversations get into almost and I've had these conversations with a lot of my men, my guy friends, and that you know, you almost start to feel bad for having a protective mindset or a provider mindset, like that's not a good thing. Like and again I think it comes from a comparison thing. But like you said, no, no, nobody should, you know,

nobody should feel bad for that. That's like saying that's like saying a single, a single fun other raising his children should feel bad because he does what might be seen as a feminine energy, right or maternal energy with his children. Right. We're now we're now come into a space where men are expressing themselves emotionally more. We are understanding importance of men not raising their boys just to play the dumper trucks and trains, But do I actually

push a baby around and make home right? And I think that's really important. I also think it's incredibly important in different cultures as well as an African American men,

I think that's important. You know, I'm married to an African American man, you know, and when I look at the culture and you know, how he was raised and his father and I, you know, and I talked to the black community, I think there's there's much growth there as well, and understanding that actually, you know, men are breaking through in many wonderful ways that they can still own how they feel innately to provide a place what was wired, but to also encourage, you know, their young

boys to know that they will brought up to be men, who will be feminists, who will who will have compassion and um certainly this caring side of them that is shown from a very a very young age. Because toys are toys and they're not boys or girls. Boy can push a baby around in a in a pram and play home and make home and not be seen as it's something that is a girl thing to do. Keep it, let me keep it real with you. I tend to and I'm just going again, I'm sure people will blast

me on this. Always preface these things because social media will just go the I can't believe you're such a better. I don't let my son in that manner, like if he picks up like he's got you know, two sisters, right, I mean he'll play, you know, my play with his sister or whatever. But I won't let my son push

around it all. And uh, you know, I play because to me, I think that there's more of an emphasis on And I had these conversations where somehow the man has to kind of move in the direction of and I'm putting in an air quotes here, move towards more of the feminine quality. Um. And again I put that in air quotes, um, whereas it's not the same really on the other end, it's not the reverse like that's kind of more seen as a pushback if you know, you were to reverse that and going, hey, it should

be more this way. And I just think that there's there's things emasculating a man and if that if that term really exists like, he has to show more feminine qualities, He has to be more understanding, he has to be

like you. You you've kind of tapped on it where you know his emotional intelligence, but is the underlying there he's emotionally growing, meaning that what like meaning he's there is there is a there's enough scientific data as well as through experiments, social experiments that show that if children both sexes are encouraged to just see toys as toys and play home and make home, it doesn't it doesn't hinder a boy's a boy's temperament or what their DNA

is if they're competitive, that's about temperament. If you have a competitive temperament, or if you have you know, the DNA of you know, your mother or your father, meaning you'll say, well, you're like your father because you know he shows characteristic traits that way, that's DNA. But how we how we shape and teach Emperor Fee is through showing kindness and care, and that has been seen predominantly as a feminine energy, as something that little girls should do.

If we can raise our boys to have both, then we will raise them to become young men who will, you know, put themselves in other people's shoes, who will be more empathetic. That won't take away competitiveness at all, you know, or the or the or the need and the drive to be motivated to be successful in whatever you do. But it does instill empathy, and we all

need more empathy in this world. It also teaches young boys to express more, to be you'll eat or anything like that, you know, but to look, we're going through a mental health stigma right now. We know suicide is really high amongst young men, and fathers find it really difficult, even though we're seeing progress now to be able to turn around and say to their sports chump, hey boy, I just I spent all day crying last night because my wife said something that really made me think about something,

and because they're all thinking. But then you're gonna look at him and go like, what's that. We're here, right,

We're gonna bread for that to be okay. And I'm an emotional guy and I've had conversations with my wife where you know, like I will you know, and and again this is conversations that you hear all the time, Like if I'm more expressive about my emotional state, it sometimes may not carry overwell, and I've heard from a lot of my guy friends like how much conflict that causes in the house, Like the woman has the ability to be more expressive about her feelings, um, and the

man is supposed to listen, be more empathic, whereas when it's reversed, it's going And I think that's part of the conditioning and how you know we we were raised is when you know again just from some of the conversations that I've had that when the man is expressive, it's it's like ho ho, hold on, like almost like there's not enough room for and what you know, like

that I have to be the emotional one. You have to listen and then everything else you just need you need to just process that yourself because you're a man, you're not supposed to have those feelings. But guess what happens. Then women have work to do. Then women have much work to do to bring men into a space of recognizing that vulnerability is not weakness. You emotionally feeling how you feel will only create more emotional more emotional intimacy.

Women can't have it both ways. They can't turn around and say, well, we we don't want you to feel or please don't share it with us. You want, we want you to fix things and to get the job done. But at the end of the day, hey, I'm feeling like we're a bit distant. I'm feeling like emotionally you don't you don't say anything, you don't get me, you

don't talk and say anything. You can't have it both ways, you know, think it's important for women to understand that if you want emotional intimacy with your man, and I'm not talking about sexual, I'm talking about on an emotional intimate level where you feel heard, where you feel but you have the trust where you can truly talk to one another about how each other a feeling. Because men need that too. Then you've got to do a lot of guys saying A lot of my guys wouldn't say that.

They don't go there. You know, there's this old idea that men are you know, they don't talk much and they don't say much, and a lot of it has to be comes from the ideas like they want to. But the minute they start speaking, that's when the biggest eruption happened in the household. That's when a lot of the confusion and the argument happened is when they feel like if I speak up on this, she's going to

take it as personal, like it's a personal thing. But when she speaks, it's more or less like I have to listen. I have to be you know, I have to fix it. I have to you know, recognize my actions. And that's it, Like that's, oh, that's a good husband. He listened. But when when the husband speaks, then it's just like how do we get around there? Because it's like like I'm apprehensive to say anything because if I say anything that I know is going to cause a problem.

Here's what I think the number one tip for that communication is is to validate what you're here in First, if your job is to listen from your wife, then listen, and when you respond, validate mirror what you've heard. Mirror what was said in that conversation so that your wife feels heard that you heard what she said and validate that.

And once you have opened up the gate to mirror what has been said, like I'm really sorry that you feel that you you had so much on your shoulders right now, because that must feel really heavy for you and very tiring, and you have a long day because you're raising the kids, you know, all day and doing the teaching with them, and then you know you're getting dinner ready tonight as well, So you know, I can imagine how difficult that must feel for you, and I'm

really sorry you're feeling this way. You know, it's about listening, mirroring what's being said, and then validating it. The straight away. What happens is you the men you come from a stance they're not defending, but truly listening, and your wife will feel like you heard, and that will stop her

from having that sword and shield up. Because if a woman talks to a man and he listens, and his only response is the go to that defends himself rather than to diffuse and to show that he truly did hear from mirroring and then validating, then you're going to have to few up with sword and shield, right Whereas if the man can here validate and then defuse the circumstance, because the woman will be like, huh, okay, he heard me, you can then fal I would I would assume that

it's the reverse as well, because in that way, what you're talking about totally agree with you, and that being able to listen and understand that. But what happens when the man identifies a problem because it's you know that from where you're talking about, identifies that the woman will automatically come up with it first, and then the man

is kind of reacting to what she's saying. But what happens when a man wants to engage in a conversation first and identify an issue where he's feeling something about the relationship or whatever the problem might be, whether it's back to school with the kids and how things are moving in the house, Like, how does a man address that without because most not most, I don't say that.

A lot of men a man well knowing that the minute they say something is wrong, the woman might take it as personal and saying I'm not good enough, I'm not doing the you know, a good job, and then it just kind of breaks away. Nothing. Nothing is wrong

that a man feels nothing. Number one. So if there any women listening to this, you know, there is nothing that a man can say if he's expressed in himself that is wrong because it's how he feels and he owns those feelings, and none of us are here to be able to say I will minimize how a man feels when he's expressing himself. If you've got to a place where your man actually feels comfortable doing that, then

you're doing something right. However, what I will tell you is what I will tell you in those circumstances is the more we can practice as as couples, the more we can practice in having conversation where we neutralize and see it as each other looking at solution rather than finger pointing right, the better the outcome. So I use,

for example, with couples, I've used a box. I literally took objectively a box with plat parts and wrote them down so that there was no tongue to be judged, no eye contact or body language that could be mistewed in any way, and that you simply wrote the problem down and put it in the box. And twice a week.

That led to then three times a week that led to the then four times you opened up the box together and said, right, let's take a look at these problems and let's look at how we're going to solve them together. Because it's not just what you say, it's how you say it, the delivery when you say it, and it's also your body because that is your body language in when and how you convey the message that

you want to put across to your partner. So if you make an objective by putting those in a card together, you both go right, let's take a look and see what's in here, and let's work together to solve these issues. You won't sue me if I decided to steal that and use it in my household. I hope you do. I hope you do. It's been very productive and it's been very successful for a lot of couples to be able to do that. And the fact is is once you once you do that, it's not the box that's

the magic. It's the fact that you both came together with an open heart of saying, look, there's no room for ego here for me to feel slighted and to get touchy and to take it personal. If we're to resolve these issues together, then let's look at it together and let's recognize that what's being said in a pragmatic

way is about how we solve the issues. That way, you can take the ego out the room, because if you're talking to somebody who's continuously feel inslighted or victimized, or the tone that you said it or defensive, they're just poison arrows in a marriage that leads to bitterness and resentment. And that's a hard place to come back from. And it's why we're seeing so many divorces right now. I mean, that's what we're seeing a lot of divorces right now. And I believe in the marriage, you know.

I believe in the institution of marriage, you know. And I believe in the importance of you know, working things through and that in a healthy way. Right That's not to ignore or to tolerate abuse or any form of toxic relationship, but I think it's about time these conversations were happening in a very organic, consistent way. Look, we saw Will Smith and Jada Pinkett bring on the Red Table talk. How could you not love that? Oh my gosh, Okay, don't even give me something. I don't want to pick

this too, you know what it was? Okay, let me just say this please. I mean, I know the producers said we're gonna wrap this up. Let me tell you something that was so amazing because it was so transparent, it was so real. You don't see anyone in Hollywood giving that level or that that type of insight. Look, and I'm sure there are a lot of people who've

got things to say in the judgment. But one of my favorite things from that whole Things and there was like bad Marriage for Life, kind of a playoff of the Bad Boys for Life. I think what it is to me what I heard when I heard that was

reasonable expectations. Look, marriage is hard as hell and things, because I think what happens is there's this over sale on the glamor and the beauty and the wedding and the road and everything is perfect and when you get into it, you're like, gosh, I've never I've not reached this perfection or this I think it's learning how to kind of like the show that I that I house with American Injin Warriors. Just it's one obstacle after the next obstacle. Yeah, and it's not happily ever after, it's

happily working on it happily. Come on, come on, Joe, come on, come on, you're killing all right. Well, let me tell you something. Look, I I could talk to you for another hour. In fact, I'm gonna put you on a jet from wherever you are, hopefully your local time, and I'm going to bring you to my house and you'll be the super Therapist and the Supernanny as well. So I just want to thank you so much, um,

and and look and for all those listeners. If you don't know Joe Frost, of course I think you already do know her. But remember Supernanny returns to Lifetime on September one. She's back in action. Joe Frost, thank you so much. This has really been an eye opener. Um. I've got a lot to digest. I've got a lot to digest from what we just talked to here today, So thank you so much. It mhm, well that was fun. What a stack show we had today. We had Jerry O'Connor,

we had Alfonso Ribeiro and Joe Frost. Uh, so much to digest from all of those conversations. I want to say, first off, a big, big time thank you to both Brooks and Gavin for and host How Men Think. I hope you guys learned a lot, had a little bit more of an inside is how men think, at least how I think. But anyways, joining us for more shows on how men think.