Sex Ed Part 1

for two Wow. That's yeah, I found that my coach. Did you not get that yet? Dryer Catcher? But I we don't have Gavin today, so gave Buddy. I miss you. He's usually my co host pilot. Ryan's not here today. He's co hosted one. So now I want to bestow this honor on you, gentlemen, to be gracious co host for the first time, and we were very honored. Thanks, thank you. Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have come in prepared with like a badge when you could pin on

you guys like last manager. So it feels a little thrown together, but that's okay. It's perfect day for them to co host because of the topic, they're somewhat of experts. Oh they're Amy, Well said, so the topic of today's podcast. We teased it last week. The topic of today's podcast is sex. We are going to dive into all things sex. We've got so many questions, comments, thoughts, stories from the listeners about sex and we're going to dive into all

of it. And Amy, I guess, looks at you. You didn't say I was anything of an ex Apparently we're sex experts. I mean sex. I don't know how congratulation laid. But Jesus Christ, I mean, I want to talk about diet. I've gotten a compliment here and there over the years, but I don't know that makes me an expert. But sure, you're a humble guy, Dmitri. You are. You are a humble guy. Amy's like just chomping at the bit to get into this one. I just don't want my parents listening.

It would just feel weird because I will reveal things that are inappropriate. Okay, Amy's an open book. We always appreciate that. Okay, So the very first topic, the first thing, and by the way, this is a we're gonna have some fun today. But this is also a very serious conversation. This is um. This is a part of life, a part of relationships, a part of individuality, all of this, and this is a part it really excuse me, a

truthfully a part of happiness. And so it's somewhat been a taboo or hush hush topic and that's the point of this shows we want to dive into um areas that maybe people are scared of going or opening up about our being vulnerable. So we are going to go at this in a playful and fun way, but also in a very thoughtful and hopefully serving way to the community where you guys can draw some value from this um.

We have three males and one female. We also have producer Tor and producer Danielle in studio, so we can maybe have them way in as well, so we can have some plarity between men and women and the conversation and the age we need Tori's younger opinion. And then we do have a couple of experts, real experts. Was coming at something. It's sort of like the last minute co hosting just were we were as sexperts for like two minutes, which sounds about right. That's two minutes more Okay,

let's go. Let's go right into it. Okay. Uh. The topic that we received the most from our listeners, The thing that you guys want to hear the most about or have the most issue with in your relationships is initiating sex. So the very first thing we want to talk. We have some bullet points that you guys have sent in. Um, A very common issue is one partner wants sex more than the other. So one partner has a greater sign that in your marriages, all three of you, Yeah, I'd

say so. Um. And in fact, let me make a blake in statement here. A lot of this will be about my marriage, but some of this will also be from other relationships I've had. So I don't want anybody listening to think, oh, this is obviously his wife. So but yeah, I think I think more. I always assumed it was more time than not a lot of time. The guy wants it more. Disagree? Really, yeah, I know that from our listeners, and for myself, women, I think

the issue is somebody always wants it more. I think the biggest fallback is that nobody that you don't communicate it to each other. And so I have a feeling in my relationship that I want to have sex more, but it could be totally the opposite, but we're just not communicating about it. That's a great point. I mean probably, especially if if I'm saying I think it's guys and Amy saying it's probably, then maybe it's just high noon

and no one's talking. It's just the other day. I was playing the holdout game and it just lasting a lot of time, and finally I got a text and it was like sex tonight, question Mark, question Mark, question Mark with the praying hands, and I was like, hell, yeah, okay, just it's just a mind game. Okay, let's unpack this. Years and you're playing mind games for sex. Is that because you want her to initiate it? Yes, because it

makes you feel desired to interesting. Okay. So that's one of the mine that leads into one of our next things that that's very common, Um people feel when they initiate. This is a response from the listeners when they initiate and get turned down, Um, they feel sad and and

so that actually scares them about initiating sex. I'll say this personally from guys, but from my point of view, it's not that I get scared but it is an awkward feeling, like remember when you were younger and maybe your credit wasn't that good, you didn't have any money and you had a credit card and you go to pay for things and you're like, oh god, this could be the client and you get awkward, like almost flop sweat and you're like, oh my god, how's this gonna go?

And it gets accepted, you're like, oh thank god. And if it gets the cline, you're like, everyone's now, everyone knows. Now everyone knows I don't have three bucks and tell him. You're like, I'm gonna get room service now. But exactly so,

it is. It is. I think it does suck to be turned down, so for what the reason could be legitimate, but to be turned down is a blow to your ego and be like, so here's here's a the other side to that isn't really a blow to the ego, because there has to have been times when your wife is in the mood and you're like, I'm just like exhausted, like I just can't right now. I just all I want to do is go to sleep. You guys have four kids, Like, would you not look at both sides

of the coin. Like I do that. When I think of like my wife, I think of like, yeah, sometimes there's times where she's just had a super stressful day, and there's times where I've had a day or I'm super exhausted or something. I'm just all I really want to do is go to sleep. That doesn't mean that you don't love the person. No, No, it doesn't mean

that you don't love him. When I say a blow to the ego, it's like, no, you you you may want something and when you don't get it doesn't mean if you feel like you're a you're in this person doesn't like you, but it's like you kind of wanted something. You want that person and wanted to YEA. So if you're in the mood and the other person is like not, you're like, oh, well it's not. It's not like all

of a sudden your self esteem is shot. But it sucks. Yeah, I see, like I it's happened to me obviously, But I see how you can take it like the person is not attracted to you. That it could be interpreted if it's someone I'm in a relationship with. Ever, I don't know that I ever. Ever, No, I've never turned it down, you know. I mean, I think it's more like, hold all an of you have never turned it down last night. I've never That's what I'm saying, Producer Danielle.

So I agree with not that I can remember, because it's it's like maybe it wasn't like my my best performance, but I was never like you know what, not tonight. And I'm just I also think you can mess around. I'm not saying like the full thing, but I've never turned it down, like at least sort of fooling around ever if I'm in a relationship with the person. Okay, I kind of agree with producer Danielle. Here, do you want to chime in on this? This is Danielle. Maybe

let's hold off on that. You guys are liar apart and just say your opinion. Well, I just there's so many days when you're when you come home and you're just tired and all you want to do is just go to sleep. And that's happened to me before, where my husband's like, you know, trying to have sex, and I'm like I can't right now. I the only thing on my brain is going to sleep. Let's do this tomorrow,

you know. But that's from a moment like I've been turned down for that same reason, But I don't know that I've ever I've never had like my wife or a girlfriend when I was in a relationship be like I want to have sex to me, but not tonight. Your husband turned you down. You're a liar. I know did it. I just literally got contradicted it and I so you you could say that you've turned it down. I'm trying to think if I've ever turned it down. I think I can't clearly say for sure that I have,

But I can't clearly say that I haven't. I bet I would bet that I probably have in my life, in my relationship with my wife, have turned down um sex at some point. And like, I think you guys are all. I honestly think you guys are all lying to you guys. Perhaps we're misremembering, but I really don't remember. In fact is you're saying, you're calling us a liar, but you can't remember when you did it. You're saying,

probably I must have. Yeah. I think I think, going back to the relationship side of it is there may be subtle things that she's promoting to promote sex that's not like you're in the bed at the same time and you're reaching over and you're grabbing each other. It's could have been throughout the day or when you got home from work it's like, hey, how's it going, and you know that I'm not even picking up on that. Yeah, where I'm like, hey, let's get physical or whatever. Then

and then she's like, oh, I'm so tired tonight. You know, I'm you know, blah blah blah. But like that's a good point. So maybe there's maybe there's subtle inquiries into it that that we didn't pick up on and then and then she stopped. But I've never flat out known it was. It could happen, and Okay, so here's a

here's a question for you guys. So for people out there that are struggling with that are listening to this, that are struggling with initiating sex, what's something that they can do to get over the fear of rejection if they partner possibly says no, they're not in the mood. What can we do to help our listeners initiate more romance and sex in their relationship. I think it goes to what Rick said, is that you've got to be

a little more open about it. I mean, I wouldn't play the mind games or the hold out game there because but I think you have to be a little more open about it because sometimes you don't realize that that's what the person is putting out there. Um. And then I think what we said before, just because you get rejected does not mean that person doesn't love you,

doesn't mean they're not attracted to you. You should just be Do you think that if there's sort of rejection going on, Maybe not one time, but often there's something wrong in the relationship so after sorry, no, yeah, like often yes, like if you're talking like very commonplace. Yes, I believe so. I believe that there's an energetic thing that's off there. I don't think that it's that they're not compatible. I don't think that it's that they're not

attracted to each other. I just think that there's an energetic um misalignment at that moment that needs a rewiring or recalibration to now be drawn to each other again versus almost repulsed. Yes, that actually is In the books, I read that there can be such a turn off for some reason that it's repulsive. And I don't mean that like, the person is the idea of the set,

and that's why I think it's an energetic thing. When we moved out here after college, my buddies and I my buddy was in a relationship um with this girl and after a while they've been dating for years, and after a while he was just like, oh, she's just

not interested in sex anymore. And my other buddy now we're like, I think she's probably just not interesting sex with you anymore, because I mean we were in our twenties and when and for him to be like, she just doesn't want to do it there, to me, there was some there was some disconnect there, because there's no way this girl in or twenties just hanging it up for sex. So clearly there was a problem with the relationship and was there. So I have a friend who

I will not name, has sex with her husband every day. Now. I don't know if full on or just like mouth stuff quote unquote. Here she said her thought on it too, is like for some reason, she's not totally in the mood. She literally said to me, it takes ten minutes. So there are times when she does it simply because he wants it, and she loves him. Oh not from Danielle. Oh, yeah,

for sure. I totally agree with that. There's sometimes where I'm like, I'm not in the mood, but I'm going to do it, and then say with him vice versa. He's like, let's do it, you know, and not Sometimes I don't come home and I'm like, oh my god, I can't wait to have sex, you know. But if he's in the mood, I'm like, all right, I'll give in and chime in on that. So I'll say on that issue, I think that if your partners not into it, I think you go over and above and beyond to

get them into it. Oh that's a good point, Like that, says I was gonna ask Llo, But like, like, when you're kind of just doing it even though you're not in the mood at the end of it, do you did you enjoy it? For sure? Yeah? For sure. Then I'm like cake, you know, but you know, getting across back to Brooks's point of like, hey, when you're getting

turned down, then maybe go over and above. Yeah, let me see what I can do to let me see what I can do to engage you in this and and get you excited and turned on and but then run around the house naked. So it's super interesting. I'm just gonna give two facts. I read a bunch of books to prepare for this episode. Massage is the number one thing to get people into it and number two the thing that people want the most, mouth stuff. What's mouth stuff? You don't know? Can he borrow that book?

A mouth stuff? Mouth stuff is being e J B J four J or I just want on mouth on the lady. Got it. He's just trying to get you. Yeah, he's putting you right in a trap here. Ay um, so okay, what are those two things again? A Massawsage is the number one form of four play that is effective and people desire. So let's let's unpack that for a second, because that's like a a sensual touch. So that's that's actually like an energetic almost connection, like hey, let me not just grab parts of you and take

control like I don't maybe I don't want that. Correct The book said, really linger and take a lot of time before you touch those parts. Yeah. So, and this is not just for a female. This is for a male to like if a man is not in the mood, um like rubbing your your hands on his back or just like light touching on his skin is a very sensual thing and it's one of the erotic blueprints right from Jaya that we did um essential this episode with thirty five year old men and they want to give

the massage. They also enjoy that as for play, not just receiving the massage but giving it. Yeah, that's that's one of my favorite things, actually giving a massage. I find it. A massage to me is probably too relaxing, Like I would rather give it than get it because I feel like I would probably get really rested. Getting a massage probably does off a sleep. I love giving it. I think. Yeah, for me, it's like an aphrodisia. It's I'm super I get super turned on giving a massage.

Can I Okay, so this is getting super turned on talking about giving us. Have any of you and please try to admit it. Ever had the massage? Wink wink where they had in a parlor? You mean a full body massage? Yeah, in in a parlor like a paid for one. Yes, No, I don't think it's a real thing. There's no doubt it's a real thing. No, I have not. Robert Kraft, Right, Robert Kraft I know this is commonplace

and people do not consider it cheating. Yeah, I have friends, several friends, and I do travel around the world for work in business, and I do have friends that have gone to those places, and they have told me stories about it, and it's basically it's part of the culture, you know. It's it's something that men, particular in those particularly countries, do, and it's a it's a it's like a relaxation. It's like a woman going to a spa. Right.

So they've told me that you go in there and you get a full body massage, and then afterwards there's a separate other room full body, full body, every single part of your body. And afterwards you basically go into like a whole another room that's like a man cave sort of, and it's fifty lazy boy chairs and everyone's sitting there. There's TVs everywhere, like whether it's sports or news or whatever, and you lay down and you can

take a nap. I sound like I actually know, like I sound like I'm talking like I've been to one. And they come by and they, you know, he told me, they give you like warm towels and you lay down and they come by and give you foot massages and then if you want to coke or a beer or a cigarette or food or fruit. It's just like so it's very similar to Women's Day at the spot. There's just a tiny bit more cleaning of the pipe. Yeah, it's a full body massage. Man. To me, that's totally

fine to me. That's that's cheating to me. Interesting, that's how I just I would never have my boyfriend did that. I don't care what I do, not it might make him last longer. Yeah, that doesn't bother me. To me, that seems just like if I cared that he doesn't do it. No, because I don't want strangers touching me. I only want that's the only reason you wouldn't do it. Or would you not do it because you would feel like you are being unfaithful a stranger giving you a

full body massage. An I don't get massages. I don't like him. I don't like strangers touching. We're talking to our listeners. They'd have to decide for themselves. For me, I wouldn't do it because I don't like a massage. Or I'm only into someone touching me that I'm attracted to. So it's my I'm in a relationship with so I'm

I actually side with Brooks on this one. But I have a friend and he when he first got together with his now wife, they were, you know, they were we were out talking and she's and he's like, yeah, she doesn't like to give what do you want to say? Mouth stuff? And so she's He's like, she doesn't care if I get it somewhere else. She doesn't want to have sex somewhere, but she doesn't care if I get that somewhere else. And she was there and she said, yeah, I don't want to do it, but I don't want

to deprive it. So I draw the line on mouth stuff. I don't want my boyfriend going to a spot in another country and getting mouth stuff. But a massage and hand totally fine. I seems the same to me as if he's doing it himself watching some dirty movie on TV. That's bother me either. Okay. I would love to hear what our listeners think about this, So please send us an email men at iHeart radio dot com, because I'm we should do is Maybe we should go on a

trip and just try it. I know Gavin's probably gonna be Brooks. Maybe this is the episode Brooks isn't part of. While they're at it, can they also let us know if they think porn is cheating because I don't, but some people do. And after in a minute, let's talk about that too, watching it or making it? Watching it? Back from break, this is how men think. My name is Brooks like and this is the sex episode. We're diving into all the fun stuff and we want to

piggyback that the porn part here. We just had a little interesting conversation over this break and we're getting into the porn question for you guys. Dmitri, I'm looking at you, Rick, I'm looking at you. Is why watching porn cheating in your definition? No? No, okay, elaborate a little more. I mean, you're you're watching something. What's what's the difference of watching Okay, fifty Shades of Gray had was a very graphic movie, right,

what's the difference between just watching something? If you're not involved in something and you're watching it. I mean, what if you're watching it and then taking pleasure on yourself with yourself? I don't I don't see why that would be cheating. Now I don't either, I think cheating you need to sort of const we're talking about porn, but like cheating is more of a physical one on one.

If you're actually touching somebody, kissing somebody having that, that's that on the side of your partner, right or your wife or or whatever. Whereas I don't feel like porn. You're watching something. And to Dmitri's point, you know there's soft porn, there's fifty shades of gray. There's things that actually stimulate somebody. And I think if you're going to do something by yourself, then that's okay as long as you're watching it. You're not having a physical interaction with something.

If you're going to a live show, yeah, then maybe you're getting a little closer to that. But if you're watching it, like I don't show so I want to get to that third row, what was it like when you did you sit down on the seat just be like,

I'm so gross white. So here's a question though, to play Devil's advocate to that is that some people would look at that like it's it's almost like intellectual cheating that you are desiring somebody else, that that that that it doesn't need to be a physical act for it to be cheat. You got sorry ahead. I just know that my guy watches porn but is thinking about me.

Are you sure he's thinking about you? I don't think he might not be, so okay, So what if you found out he wasn't he was watching porn thinking about that woman. We don't care. But listen, everybody has imaginations, right, You can find other things sexy or attractive. Just because you settled down with in person, does that mean does

not mean that your tunnel vision from there. So for someone to watch something and think, like I know couples that there are people out there, the couples that watch porn to get aroused together, Yeah, we talked about that. I might be open to that. It's it's the basis of your relationships. I think we should well and I think I think we would be naive to think that we are only attracted to that partner. Meaning there's everybody wants a different thing, Like I like trucks, I like ferraris,

I like sports, you know whatever. You know. So it's like, yes, I love my wife, I love having sex with her. You know that whole thing is together. But I think it's also like you're thinking, like, oh, I'm also that's attractive to you know, and every and as long as you're not doing it in the way we're we're talking about being physical with another person and you're you're watching porn or that's okay, you're still going to go back and be with that person. You're I can I can

see you right now, and I can tell you. My wife doesn't want to. You know, I'm not the only person in her eye and to some extent, right you know, I mean like they're probably walking on she's like, oh, that guy's hot, Like how many chicks think Brad Pitt's cut millions? My wife has a picture of Brooks on the desk. We know, we discussed the most searched, So we did some research and porn hub has the most searched porn by men and women. Did we reveal those yet?

Would you like me to reveal them to you and then you can discuss it. So the most yeah, okay, right here, I got it right here, So the most common. So, by the way, this is this is just like finding out what there are different boundaries in different relationships. So this was just opening a discussion for that. So do that in your own relationship. If you're listening to this, but the most common porn searches by men. This might started started you guys, milf porn. Milf porn is the

number one sir by men. And I did some research on number two because I it threw me number two step mom. So I asked, what in the world does that mean? And what I found out is it means So let's say there's like, uh in the in the movie, there's a thirty year old dude, right, and the dad is like sixty, and the step mom's the hot thirty five year old gal, and so the gist of the storyline is like the step mom's like, oh, you're so much bigger than your dad and like stuff like that.

And I was like, oh, now I get it. Here's the thing I will say. I'm and I know you'll left. I'm not a I'm not a personal I'm not a porn guy. I prefer movies like whatever, but I'm not a porn But I don't get what that means. You prefer a movie top gun No, Well, I love top but no, I mean, I'm not a vacation I don't watch porn. But I'm saying I find movies with like seeing, like romantic scenes and stuff that goes in that better. I'm not a porn guy because it's to me, it's laughable,

it's so cheesy. I have seen it, but I don't search it out. But what I will say about that is that the one in two searches, I get it because when guys are younger, that's that's the fantasy guys when they were like teenagers and coming into the whole sexual time. You don't think of like your peers that way. It's the whole. I mean, think of American Pie Stiffler's mom, Mrs Robinson's such a cultural something like that. So that doesn't surprise me that those are the top. Then I

did a lot of research. Brooks reveal what women search, and then I read multiple articles as to why, and I can explain to you guys. Okay, so the most common thing for women is they prefer girl on girl porn. For many reasons that women prefer girl on girls, for many straight women preferred. My thought, my my initial thought is that women are always I think they're all is more connected to other women than men. Don't have the

connection that women do with women. And I think my guests would be that the guys in these movies are pretty nasty, so they like to see the woman getting pleasured, but not by someone that they think is nasty. So you're closer on that, which there probably is some element

of that. What it's said in the articles I read is that women on women porn is much more sensual, slower, erotic as opposed to porn that men watch is very can I just say the gross words thrusting and penetration and like like that, and women find that jarring and unappealing, whereas the other type is much more like massaging, slow, um and erotic. Yeah. Yeah, it goes back to the

energetic or the sexual blueprints, the erotic blueprints. Energetic sensual versus like sexual is what you think the men's porn is like, let's let's let we're know that we're having sex. That's the only thing that means. That's the word that comes to my mind. The tone that you did. I was thinking bingo, like b I N G, and I was like, I don't be a how about this. I'll go ahead real quick on the on the women on women.

I feel like maybe the woman who's watching that is perhaps thinking about their husband or their partner, whereas a male might be watching porn and the b A n G O UM is trying to I think you're right, is thinking about the bang bang bang. I think you're right, right, and I think you nailed it. So here's okay. Another porn question. Um. Does pornography in culture today give a false sense of what sex really is? Yes, I I think it's I think it depends on who you're talking about.

I think if younger people are watching and stuff, I think it's I think it's pretty bad and I think it can be pretty detrimental if young boys are watching and thinking, oh, this is what it should be, this is how women should behave And I think it's terrible. If I'm a massive problem because it's so accessible for young teens and college students that they have an absolute crazy idea of what like relationships, intimacy is. No, you're completely right, it's it's not. I think that type of

sex has been going on for centuries. I think it's the accessibility that people can get to see that type of sex being played out on a screen. More or less. Little kids or you know, younger adults getting into that, and I think that warps their brain warps. It's it's a complete false sense of how life is. So do you think that that can actually ruin a relationship or

lead to two improper relation ships? Thousand percent? Yeah. I mean if you're new into the game, um, and don't have as much experience, and you're not you weren't maybe brought up well about education on how sex is, and you are watching that and then you're with a woman and you're all of a sudden like getting into a situation that is like the porns being seen or shown now and yeah, I mean, and that's when she's definitely gonna say no or at least to another whole another

thing called young girls. Young women are doing things they don't want to do because they've seen it and their boyfriend has seen it on the internet and think like, oh, yeah, we're supposed to do that, when it's not anything anyone does. So I have something further to that that's I don't

think i've shared with you guys. Um. So I've been looking into the like studying some sexuality that Jayat teaches and reading more up on that, And there was something that she mentioned that was really powerful and st up with me. When as a kid, if your parents ever said, Okay, go hug your grandma. Go go go kiss your your grandma, or go touch your go hug your grandpa. It's telling that kid that they need to go give physical contact

where maybe they're not comfortable doing. It's always like, oh yeah, you're go give your uncle the hugg It's that type of stuff. We always I always tell the kids you don't have to do anything. You don't have to hug somebody. If someone says, you know, give me a hug, whatever, it's never something that they have to do. I agree with that. And so then that could be laced into somebody when they get older and start entering a physical relationship. At the same time, how do you let kids know

that affection is okay, what do you want? If you want to, you can go hug your ground. Just change the language versus like here Amy, you need to go like think you that you're five years old and your grandpa smells weird, or you're like, oh, I have to go do this, and I have to go do this, and then my uncle and then you know, like you think, so you change the languag just slightly, just so. And it comes down to especially if they bring a gift it's like, oh, give him a hug, give me a kiss.

They gave you a gift. No, it's say thank you, give him a high five, say thank you. But it's not. You're never forced them to be like you have to hug them because they gave you something. To kiss them, they gave you something exactly. Yeah, yeah, you let you let them make the decision if they're comfortable with physical contact or not. And then I think that is laced into the fabric and DNA of that individual as they get older and into situations that are like sexual situations.

But that that's what she had mentioned. I'm really and it's changed the way, like I hope to parent one day. You guys are both dads, but like I'll never reading that. I'll never be like, Okay, go hug this person, go hug that. Who am I to control their body? And what they're right into talking about talking to your kids about sex. Okay, let's get into that. We gotta take quick break. Let's get into kids talking to your kids about sex. Rick's looking at me like I got three

heads here. We gotta go. Okay, we'll be right back. Okay, kids in sex. This is this I want to defer to you guys. I I am really curious how you guys handle talking to your kids about sex. Um, I know, Rick, your kids are a little bit older, right, yes, so are they entering? And can you give me the age of your kids? And eleven? Thirteen eleven? And to meet you? What's your oldest So you're you're not there yet, but

I mean you're thinking. They did have a situation. Not Thanksgiving, we were watching a movie and, um, you know my nieces and nephews with their stuff. We're watching Jumanji and at one point there was a an erection joke. You know, it's very subtle and you know, and they laugh because they're older. And my one kid turning to me and goes, what's that joke mean? And I was like, how did you handle it? I was kind of like, it's just there's it's a there's a joke about um, when someone's

attracted to somebody and how it feels to them. So it happen to be the character. I don't know if you saw jaman is the character where the girl is in a boy's body. So she didn't realize what that was like it first, So I said, so it's about how a guy feels when he when he finds someone attractive. And I kind of looked it at that and I'm actually, yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah, totally. I have my experiences. You know, it's I'm in a it can be a

little challenging. I mean, I don't have all the answers to be honest Brooks, you know, and I think there's been situations where they come up and, um, you know, like my son, for example, the other day, we were getting ice cream after a basketball game and you know, just kind of hanging out. It was evening, We're waiting for an uber to go home, and he's like, how many times have you had sex with mom? Your your son just said that out of the and he's like, um,

I'm like, well, what flavor did you get? You know, did you tell Hi about the hold out game? You know? Then he asked, you know, I was like a follow up question like did you only have sex when you had you know, my sister? And I like twice, yeah, So did you answer the first one or did he go right to you kind of immediately win in the second one? And then and then it was like do you And so I'm still kind of trying to figure

out how to answer this right. I mean, it's it's like you're kind of put on the spot and there you're trying to figure out also kind of the read and where he's going with it, and you know, and he's laughing and it's kind of funny and ball and then it's afterwards. The third follow up question was basically like have you had sex with mom since we were born?

And so a lot of it was like, yes, definitely, you know, you know, and then it's like giggling and giggling and giggling, and it was what was he doing while you were giggling? He was eating his ice cream? But I don't know what my point is to be honest with your books, but my but part of it is they're reaching out to me us at that point in time, you know, like Dmitri's example, and a lot of times it's it's just allowing that you don't have to always come back with an answer or a solution

or the right you know result. It's it's more of like the having that open dialogue, that conversation. You don't have to have all the answers and you don't have to do it the best way but don't shut that down. Don't shut that communication down because then they're gonna start asking other people. So this was very fascinating. At jingle ball the other night, we spoke to a fourteen year old and talk. I asked for this show. I said, what are you learning in school? And she said, Rick

was there? Oh, we learned the fourteen points to putting on a condom. And she went through all fourteen points with me, which I do have in some notes, and there were oh no, I think it was eleven points. There were eleven points. Actually, it's very interesting. If you guys keep talking, I'll pull it up. Daniel. I was never taught to sound school. I learned about condoms in school in seventh grade. But it's kind of like four. I mean that sounds like a lot. Is it like

throw out? Throwout the Rappers? So it's not left on the floor? Is that alright? So I took notes while she was saying it. It's eleven steps and this is what the teacher taught them in school. Number one, check the expiration date, to pinch the package to make sure there's air. Number Three, softly take it out, not with your teeth or scissors. Once you take it out, pinch the tip. We're talking about the condom just so, Yeah, you slowly put it on and roll it down all

the way. Next, have your fun. Next, eject the penis. Then carefully hold the condom so it doesn't come off. And she said, the teacher said, because that would be very disappointing, meaning like you did all this work and then you failed. Next, separate your bodies, carefully, tie the condom in a knot throw it away, do not flush it. I was like, I don't know about this super detailed. That was in school. So I've never in my life and even in school, had any sex training or anything

to even do in that ballpark. I never had any discussions about it. My parents never talked to me about it, like and that's why at thirty six now I'm really starting to dive into like sexuality and even discovering like I do. I was never taught how to put a condom, so I found that to be shocking. The one thing that I do know they teach, and I'd love for people to reach out to us what they think about this consent. So they are now teaching in major ways

consent is sexy. Not only do you have to consent, they said. The girl told me, you have to enthusiastically consent, so both parties should shout out I want this, this is what I want. Enthusiastic yes, so that every party agrees to it. I think you shout that out afterwards, don't you? During? But I don't. I am loving this when I think about this, just the fact that this

is in school. When I think about this, I think about college, and I think about how amazing this is that there's some sort of education and training for kids right is they're entering this stage of life where they're starting to explore sex, that they have some sort of framework, idea or guidance, entering into a very vulnerable and and can be life changing stage of life before they get

to college, where now you're just turned loose. You don't have parents around you, You're surrounded by influences of friends, which can be good or bad or even worse. You're in environments where you may be added in substance like alcohol or something else. And then you hear all the time about these stories about campuses and what happens all

the time. I think it's I think it's it shows that the evolution of of us beings, like of how we are and the education of that and how just like you're saying, when you're like that, you brush your kid up to go and give your uncle a hug. You know, it's like you have to say it the right way. And that goes on to like educating them into another level. Whereas I think if the kids have this type of education at that age, I think it's excellent. I mean, is the eleventh step process does. It seemed

a little overbearing totally, but I think it's excellent. It seemed a little overbearing in seven So in seventh grade we were told about condoms, and I remember Mr Ed, the health teacher, was like he talked about he had a little speech thing, so he was like, if you're gonna be with somebody sexually, you need to have and he had a little speech thing, so he said condom. But the way he said it sounded like condo. So for like a week I thought you had to like

buy a condo before you had sex with people. I was like, it seems really expensive. But I wasn't thinking about sex and seventh grade anyway, But so they touched on it back when we were young, when when Rick and I were young, which was a long time ago. But I think that's that list that sounds a little extensive. But I'm not going to complain about too much information. I don't want the kids doing it wrong and putting their health or having pregnancy risks. It. Really wants to

make sure they're doing it right. I don't never complain about over educating. Yeah, that's that's what my next point is. I would rather even for me, but if I had a kid, have them have more information so that and like, I doubt that both partners are going to say I want this and any other one I know, but they're educating them to consent. Really that so they can figure

out how they wish to consent. But they've over educated and then I think, I think it's like that, listen, shoot for this, shoot for yes, but we we are yelling yes, just so you know in your mind you've got to hear some version of that. I agree complete. Dr Coles is going to be here in a second

and she can explain this to us. But I think it's no means no, and saying nothing means no. Like the only thing that means yes is you have to actually say yes, put your I think the other thing if they get if they get it half or they get the most important steps in those those eleven yes, that's fine. It's like coaching, Like you're telling your kids or your your teammate to go do five different things if they get three of those, right, cool, we're in business. Yeah.

And you know, and by the way, I'm saying this as a forty six year old guy, I'm saying it sounds a bit much. But you know what, when you're a kid and you don't know any of this, you have no experience, and you're probably a little afraid to ask questions. So I kind of take that back. It's telling me the eleven steps to putting on the condom. I said. They don't exactly encourage you in school not to do it. It seems like they want you to

be safe. I don't think they're doing either. But I said, I don't want you having sex till you're like twenty fourteen. Seemed yeah, I don't. But I think people have learned that you can't just teach abstinence and expect kids to go but because it doesn't happen, so you have to educate them for if they are going to go ahead and do it. Then I think they have to do

it the right way and be safe. I had a friend of a friend of a friend's son tell me that, Um, they were eating dinner one night and basically everyone was at the table and it was like two of his buddies and the dad or something like that, and they were talking about um, like sports and practice schedules and what nights they had it and what that they what nights they did not. And this guy was like, on

Friday nights. And I don't think anything he had to do with a Friday night, but he didn't have practice on a Friday night. And at the that moment, he was at the table and started like thrusting his hips with the kid. The kid and was saying, I'm getting some pub how old thirteen and a half. But to your point, you're showing, you're showing off to your friends, You're showing, you know and totally inappropriate. But that's going through these kids much about having being fourteen, about learning

how to put on a condom. They need to know that now. And what did the dad say when the kid did that? Like that is inappropriate? I mean, come on, it's like you're at a restaurant or regardless. It's it's back to the porn thing, regardless off you're in a restaurant or not. That's not the way you should be. A kid should be looking at what he's going to have with a girl. I would not want to have teenagers.

By the way, can we just real quick. I love the the image of a fourteen year old saying this is the steps of putting on a condom, and Amy going hold on, let me write this stuf. I actually asked her if she could come today, which she might she might later. Okay, back from break is Brooks again, and this is the sex episode. We've covered many topics now, but now those have just been our opinions. Now we have an actual expert in studio with us. I want

to welcome to the show her first podcast appearance. Dr Viviana Coles. You welcome to the show, and kudos to you. Flew all the way from Houston to right. Of course, this is super special. I've never done anything like it, and you'll have some thing really cool going on, and I wanted to be a part of it. So the whole conversation has been about sex today and I want

to give our listeners. A little background of you. So you're a doctor of Marriage and Family therapy, certified sex therapist, and an expert on Married at First Sight on Lifetime. So you TV but never been on podcasts. Right. So when I'm when I'm not in l A doing things like this, Um, I have a private practice as a license marriage and family therapist, and so every day, all day, I'm working with couples and individuals who are experiencing emotional

and physical intimacy issues. So this is like what I do since two thousand three, Like, this is what I do every day. I love it. Well, you have come to the right spot. Yeah, I don't mean because must because we're talking about it. So you are the president, president and lead psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy. You're also the president lead instructor at Texas Sex Therapy Institute, a

sex therapy certification program for mental health professionals. You hold a bachelor's degree in psychology and master's a doctoral degree in marriage and family therapy. Be Um, I could go on and on. This resident act is just an embarrassing that we've been talking about everything and we have none

of that. Yes, I have my grade twelve public education. Well, you have every own experiences and of course, like most of the time, I'm talking about things from a professional standpoint, I learned so much from the work that I do with my clients. I've also been married for over twelve and a half years. We have two kids, they're eight and eleven. So even that kind of creates experience that

we can share with others. Beautiful. So one, I just want to say, I appreciate you coming and our listeners are definitely going to appreciate what you have to say. So the next topic that we want to get into and we'd love to get your insight on, is stagnant sex slash keeping things spicy. Yes, So it's been a massive topic of discussion amongst our community. We've got many

emails and people have reached that out to us about it. Um. One of the biggest things that we've received from from the women in our community is they say, is it bad that I don't crave sex with my husband? Well, it depends ends are they craving it with someone else? Wow? Great question, I would let's say no, let's just go

off the no they don't. Yeah, let's let's say so, I don't want to speak exactly for them, but based off the information that I have right now, let's say they do not crave it with somebody, but they're not craving it with their husband. So craving sex for women is not the same animal as how men crave sex. It's not necessarily some sort of disorder, but it does

mean that there's low sexual desire happening in general. Most women aren't saying, Wow, you know, I haven't slept with my husband in a month, but I have masturbated thirty times, Like that's not happening. Overall, women tend to prioritize sex and sexuality less than men do. And so if we're talking about it in terms of I don't crave sex with my husband, it's not that they don't love them. It's not that they don't care about them, and it's not even that they're oblivious to it. They just don't

prioritize sexuality in general. And that is something that plagues most women, especially women who are running households, who have kids, and they have to have everything checked off their list before they even begin to think about the bedroom. Is that bad? Should they make it higher up on the list if they want to stay married in a satisfying relationship with a husband. Yes, absolutely, so how would they

go about doing that? So the number one thing that I asked my women to do is to begin thinking about sexuality more often. I know it sounds super silly, but women don't think about it. I don't think it sounds silly at all. We just don't tend to think about sex nearly as often or as in depth as men do. And you know, I'm looking at all of you guys, and I don't know if this is the case for you, But most of the time men will entertain sexual thoughts. They won't just shoot them aside. She's

the best side, she's inside. I mean, sometimes they'll think about their grandma or baseball just to get it out. But but for the most time, for the most they're they're really just so we're clear, that's a separate topic. It's not sex with the grandma. So you want to get the thoughts out of your head. You have strategies to do that because maybe it's inappropriate, or maybe you don't want to have like an interaction or something randomly.

But women will do that all the time, and they have to have like gates up that they then have to open in order to let those thoughts in, and all of that tends to just not happen on a regular basis. So what I asked them to do is start to fantasize, start to allow those thoughts to happen. If they're wanting to initiate sex on a Friday, they need to be thinking about it starting Monday, which sounds like a lot of work. It does. And there's a lot of physical stuff that happens to you know, most

of us want to be very clean. We want to feel shaved, we want to have that tan, we want to make sure our you know, our mouths are clean. Men don't tend to care about that as much. I mean they appreciate a good smell than Rick. Yeah, he's very into smells. And but man, because of els testosterone levels that are so high in the morning, you would forego brushing teeth if you really had to, if that's

what it meant to get sex to happen. So with women, no, like most women will say I need to get out of bed, I need to maybe even take a shower, like they don't feel comfortable. Um, it's actually I feel like that, Like I love that, and I don't think it's just a general or a gender thing like I feel like that. Um. I love that you've mentioned the word sexuality a couple of times versus just sex, and

we've been talking about it on this episode. Is that in my life right now, I'm sort of on a journey to study sex, what my sexuality is, and the sexuality of my wife, not just the act of sex. And before, like a month ago, I looked at sex is just like a thing you just have sex, versus like, sexuality is who I am as a as a sexual being. Creation is the is the birth of all life, like sexual energy is the birth of all life. And it's something that typically a lot of us don't consider the

fact that sexuality happens outside of these sexual acts. How you feel about someone, whether or not you're picking a fight that day, whether or not you're eating spaghetti for lunch, and you know you're going to have you know, acid reflex that night, Like all those choices are part of sexuality and are a part of being open and receptive

to sexual experiences. Because everybody's talking about spontaneous sex like it is amazing, nobody has time for that, it does matter how the weather is, how the stock market's going. I mean, all of that matter. How do you feel about couples that schedule sex. I am a huge fan of scheduling sex. I love it. I think everyone should do it because if that's the only way it's going to happen, it's worth it that nobody says, gosh, I wish we hadn't scheduled that after the fact. It's it's

funny what you said. Yeah, it's funny what you said about spontaneous sex, because I have we have some friends and there are a couple and they they've mentioned that sometimes they'll go to restaurants like outdoor cafe and stuff, and they'll duck into the bathroom and do it. And I'm like and they're like, oh yeah, it's it was great, And I'm like, God, like a public restaurant, I'd be thinking about tetnas shot like, there's no way, I don't know.

What about the car? Then? The car in my books I was reading it encourages you like to try it out of the normal location to spice it up. So what about the car? So I get to spice it up? Thing? But but this what I'm saying is sometimes especially we were talking earlier about porn or movies and stuff. These things seem so glamorous, but sometimes spontaneous sex maybe isn't, like I mean, people that have done it in an airplane bathroom. To me, that's just I don't even want

to go. I just think that sometimes people think, oh, if you know these exotic locations, it doesn't have to be exotic. It can just the kitchen. It can be the kitchen, it doesn't have to be something that is I'm just not a huge fan of people having sex under the possibility of getting arrested, Like that's kind of not fun, you know, So I'm not going to encourage that.

But if you have, you know, a backyard patio and it's fens store, if you want to go into your own restroom, like, all of that I think changes things up. And the truth is, if you're gonna be in a long term, committed marriage and you want healthy sexuality, you're gonna have to get kind of creative with it. And that could mean before you go into the holiday party,

you make out in the car. You're not necessarily whipping anything out a super hot like a dirty text, even when you're in the same party like the text, even if you're ten feet away from like, here's my boobs. You know that's my specialty. But I also think spontaneity doesn't have to just be local asia. It could be timing, it could be there's many other different things that can

be spontaneous than just a location. Well, and for all of us, I think, whoever has ever made out with someone prior to engaging in sexual intercourse with that person, you know how hot that is? Like making out before you cross the line to sexual intercourse is so exciting for so long, but nobody does it anymore. And then I ask women totally, they're not into it's a teenager.

They're skipping all the steps. It's we were talking about teaching your kids about sex, and for some reason, I find teens or even college kids are going from make out to sex. It's like what happened to all the like laying down, kissing, touching privates Like I like some money, and I'm probably not gonna have sex with him for months because I want to drag it out, like I'll

do all kinds of weird stuff, but not that. Well, just the tip to you guys, just the tip, a tip, not just that there are so many pens in this room. I'm like, my head is spinning. But this is the thing, just a tip for you guys, the makeout session. You have to do it and with no option to do anything further. If you initiate a makeout session and you tell your wife, hey, we're not doing anything else because I have to be out of it here, or I have to be in the office, or I have a meeting,

or I have or whatever, and you mean it. That will get you so far. She will make out with you forever if that's the case. But it's it's when she thinks, and this is unfortunately what happens to a

lot of couples. It's when she thinks that even just a nice little three second kiss is always going to turn into the pressure of having intercourse that she's like, okay, well then I can't even do that, and he's only kissing me because he wants to have right, how about this for you were talking about the party and stuff

like this. This happened to a friend of mine. He was at a holiday party one time and he was there with his um, his girlfriend, and she went to the restroom, I guess came out and she goes, can you hold this for me? And she just slipped something in his pocket and it was her panties. Oh, and so that was her message, like it's going to happen later. It was kind of like, I guess it was before before they married. These a couple. There were a couple. They were, they were a couple, but it was before

I guess it was before the text. So it was kind of the way of saying, hey, we're both here. I'm sending you a little message that this is a I really like that because as a guy, I'm thinking I want that now, and I'm in a room full of crowded people, and I need to figure out a way to try and make that happen. Remember that scene

in fifty Shades. There's sort of an erotic scene in fifty Shades of Gray where, if I'm remembering it right, he makes her like take her underwear off and handed to him under the dinner table or something that's right and the room and if you want to take it to the next level, you put them on. He went back and then stuffed his boxer shorts in her purse. It's not not what he was supposed to do. I wouldn't want to put him in my pocket because I feel like my keys were dirty up the underwear you like?

I understand what he's saying. Wait, what do you all like? Did you have a backup pair? What do you wear? I'd love for everyone in the room to chime in on this, including producer Tory and producer Danielle. What do you think of sexting, sexting and FaceTime sex? Okay, so I'm gonna say I think that sexting has to be something.

You can't send pictures these days. You cannot send pictures no face unless unless you don't mind someone else seeing it, and unless you don't mind a hundred people seeing it and no facily your parents seeing it. Then you can't ideal now something you can do it in a tasteful way. You can do it in a hey, this is a little glimpse. But if you're just going to put it all out there, as if you're like getting a plastic

surgery console, it's it's probably not a good idea. So it's probably say that because of safety with it, not that it's not a good idea for like your relationship or arouse. What is also be subtle about it, which actually goes back to Dmitri stories that causes more arousal. Put it there were it in there, like throw it out there a little bit. But what if it's somebody you're already sleeping with. Well, I'm not saying this is in the beginnings three second kiss. Yeah, it's it's the

subtlety is for a man's brain, subtlety. It's it's kind of this idea of, oh, let me let my imagination take it further versus putting it all out there. You know, there's a that's why for some minute it's really gross to see full nude strippers versus someone who's maybe got some lingerie on or something. There's I'm actually that's what I said before I said I don't like porn. I like movies with like, you know, scenes that kind of

lead up to that, because it's the same reason. I think it's there's something to the imagination rather than just seeing it. Yeah, there's something psychologics. What do we all think about sexting? Like no photos, I'm saying, but like dirty texting like your boyfriends on a trip and you're like, absolutely, I think it's super hot. I think that if it now the other thing is it can't just be something that you're like, you initiate it and then they don't

respond and you're like, I'll never do it again. Like there has to be a kind of a a safe place or also knowing maybe they're at work and they can't respond. But a lot of things, this is this is another thing women do. This is we've got some issues. Right. I love another thing that women do. We will take every little tidbit and then extrapolate it to forever. Oh he told me he didn't like that, so I never did it with anyone ever again. And men do the

same thing. Oh, well, she told me she didn't like that, so I never brought up, you know, doing anything ever again. There is we're so sensitive when it comes to that. We're supposed to listen to each other's needs, were supposed to communicate openly, but we think. I literally have had people say, oh, my partner told me he didn't like four play before, so twenty years later, we never do before play and I've been longing for it my whole life.

This happens. We were so sensitive to sexual stuff that we just want to do whatever, And and sometimes people say something in the moment, and it's not like, oh I don't like four play or whatever. But it doesn't mean that that's like a staple, like don't ever do four play? It just means right now, So how do we break it down? So I'll be willing to give an example. So I like someone like a little he's totally listening a lotta and see us to bed like nine or ten. But I don't go to bed till

one or two, so he a lot. He'll say, okay, send me a picture as i'm you know, after I'm asleep, so when I wake up in the morning, it's there. So it's like a little game, which I'm totally I'm totally good with it. One time he didn't text back. I cried and then I actually said to him, don't do that. Like so we communicated about it. So is that kind of the way to go? Of course, you should always communicate what it is that you're thinking. But at the same time, if I went down the rabbit hole,

wasn't a bad picture? Does he hate it? Oh my god, he doesn't like me. This is terrible, Oh god, which is not at all what he was thinking. By the way, there's maybe he liked it so much that he ran into the shower or maybe show less, and then he'll come back and be like, hey, how about show me a little bit more? You are a picky you are He's he's the Simon Cowell of sex. I think he's more tap tapped into the sensual part of that is. So I will say that about we've done love languages

and his erotic blueprint, and he's super sensual. Remember ms Jaya said, Oh, Rick, I like how sentual you are? He like smells and I don't remember that. Of course I do. Sensuality is something that we don't tap into as much as we should, especially people who want to be in long term relations and chips. We have to use every tool that we have, or else things get stagnant and stale, and people either divorce or they betray each other. And I think there's a big misconception that

men aren't sensual. I think there's a huge misconception that men do not have or possess sensual energy. And for sure, I think you're I think you're right, and like, think of it, you think of a guy, even the porn conversation we had, or do you think of like guys just watch sexual porn like there needs to be in a course, go at it right now. Not every man or woman thinks of sex that way. I know that

I'm actually a very sensual person. The lighting uh scent music order on Rick and Brooks is I don't know how to say systems rives because they it feels like they have to put in a little extra work because their husbands are so sensual. It's not as easy as it is for me to just be like, here's my boobs and he's in. But it's not. But it's not all the time. It's it's Rick possessors and I possess sensual energy. But it doesn't mean that that's the only way that. It doesn't mean that this is the only

way we'll get to having sex. It's just that. And I believe Dmitri does too. I believe that you do, Aimy, even though you say you're more quote unquote sexual, like let's just get to it right now. I'm not like that. But I will say, here's my boobs, like I love I love the voices you do it. Here's my boobs. I'm not sending them. I've only sent them to five people ever. Can tell I'm alarmed. I'm like, please, don't

have the world. You don't want them to the worst part is she has her name tattoo renternate them, so even no face, you know who it is. There's no face. And I've only sent them to five people. I'm forty five. That's not very many. I'm very careful with it and I'm not on the cloud. I do think you should add an audiophile that just says here's my boobs. Okay, Um, I have a question for you, Dr Viviana, Um, how

do you use this is from our listeners? How do you say, because you just touched on a prior how do you say you're not getting what you need without hurting the man's pride and manhood. So you can't talk about things in terms of what you don't want, talk about things in terms of what you do want. Nobody wants to hear complaints, but they will absolutely want to

hear additions. They want to hear enhancements, improvements. So depending on what it is, let's say it's a woman wants more massages just in general, like for her, that is amazing. She's not gonna say and you let me know if this is what it's like you never massage me so and those husband always massage. I mean, like, how do you expect me to get in the mood you don't you don't do that. That is not going to work.

I'm actually turned off right now. Something more along the lines of, you know, it would be really hot if the next time you see me on the couch you bring me a glass of wine and you offer to

rug my feet. That would be really great. And it's all about tone, and it's all about the connection with the eyes as you're saying it, and suggestions offer something out of what they want or what you want, and actually specific, like I like that when my wife tells me something specific that she likes, and then I love how you said it in an affirm in an affirming

way versus in a complaining way. Do you find more confident the man, the more easily they accept sort of direction, Like a man who's super confident and you're like, hey, touch me there, they are super down, but an insecure

guy gets more weirded out by it. Okay, So insecure versus secure or confident, Because if there's a confident of sexually confident man and you give him any direction, it's possible that he's going to say, you know what about because I know I tend to be with people who are pretty secure and they're super fine with anything instruction. I think you can't go wrong if you do it in an affirming, nice direct way, tactful, honest, kind and generous. You can possibly go wrong if you come at it

from like a god. I just wish you would do this. I would never. I would never. Yeah, I wish you would do this. And the other one that you said before was um, so and So's husband always massig like that's that's yeah, that's what this person that asks And sorry, Brooks, you can jump in here. I don't enjoy oral sex, but I know he does. How can we compromise? I hate that word. First off, I hate the word compromise.

Tell us more compromise. I had a friend tell me this like this is like two weeks ago, and I was like, that is so compromisest resentment. So compromises fifty fifty resentment. I don't. I would want them to have an understanding of Okay, I don't enjoy oral sex, but he does. So how can how can he communicate in a way to her that it means so much to him and he enjoyed. Is it so much that she can find her own pleasure and her own sexuality in

doing and participating in that act with him? I'm interestin knowing how are y'all interpreting this question? Because are y'all thinking that she doesn't want to do oral on him or that she doesn't want him to do oral? I was interpreting it her doing oral on him. I could be complete. I would interpret it that way to one because I would you assume that she would like that more and too, he's probably and there are guys that really like that, but he's probably not going to do

it if she's not enjoying it. So I took it as her performing on him. As someone in private practice, I can tell you it's usually the opposite. Can you spell that out for me? I'm like confused. So most women will say that they don't want oral sex performed on that's so weird. They say that way more often than they don't want to perform oral sex. Is that because of their own insecurities? Or is it because the guy is just bad at it? Um Usually that it

doesn't even get to that point. Worried about about that all they heard about how they taste, how they feel, how they smell, how they look. Especially with so much pornography, everyone has like a template of what, you know, the vola was supposed to look like so, and women are competing with that now. UM, So that's what I would if we're going to talk about it in terms of her not wanting to perform on him, I would say what is it about it? Because, and I promise I

won't get too graphic. But what most women will say very consciously and directly that they don't want is that they want to avoid any sort of ejaculation in their mouths, but that they don't mind anything else about it. They actually really don't mind, but that they're concerned that if it's not from A to Z, that their partner won't want them to do it, and that's often not the case. This is a huge deal, And the next time you speak to someone who happens to say this, just say

what is it specifically that you don't like? It's usually one or two things. One is that the other one is I don't like that, Um, I feel like like he feels like I owe it to him, or they feel inferior by being put in that position like it's too vulnerable, and that's a relational issue. And about oral sex, one of the things that men said was they don't want the woman because it's such a one way thing. They don't want the woman to feel obligated or like

she's only serving him. And my response to that was, we want to do that, and not only that, we want you to want us to do it. So this is this is just further into all of the erotic blueprints. Seriously, this is everything that I'm reading that Jaya has put out there, watching that she's put out there, is all of this stuff. And that's why it doesn't need to be a compromise the rest of their life. If these two are married, she doesn't need to do something that

she doesn't enjoy the rest of her life. How crappy of a life is that. Instead, as you said, Dr Bribana, is find a way. Let's talk about what you don't enjoy specifically in it, and then let's find a way what you what do you enjoy in it? Or what can I do to help you enjoy it? Like anything like that, so that actually, this is something that's part of our lives because you know what, if we want

to be together, I want to be happy too. I need to get sexually what I want for us to be happy, for me to be happy, so that I can be happy with you and I want the same for you. So it's reciprocated. And typically there is a way to make any of these activities work for two people. There's there's so many different ways to do this. You can't just cut it all out, which is what happens. They'll just cut it all up. We don't do that.

And in my office, I'm like, Okay, well we're going to figure out a way where you feel really good about the decision to not do it, or you feel really great about the decision to try something different. Right, it's not a menu that says no substitutions. It's like you can get what you want, you can just tweak. And also it comes back to what we always talk about communication. You have to really be willing to talk about it, right, And if you don't know what you're

talking about, sometimes you just don't have that experience. You've only heard things, you've only seen things. Um, then you can get help. So there's a big one that I'll bring up. I'm just going to bring it up because this is what we're doing. A lot of couples do have a discussion and a difference of opinion on how do I say this? Just say tell me a a A word a word instead of mouth stuff the other end canal minus the c hold on a second, who

has a pen anal sex? Yes, it seems like guys sometimes want that and the woman is like, no, how do you compromise on that? So again it's a why, what are the concerns? What are the fears? What is it that it means? What have you heard with anal sex? A lot of what helps couples to decide again one

way or the other is educate Shan. There is there's so many good educational videos um that will help you to understand all the processes that it takes in order to make that happen in a comfortable and pleasurable way. You can do it and it won't feel good, or you can go through processes to help your body make it something more pleasurable. Not everybody is willing to do that, but most people don't even know what it takes to make that happen. Yeah, they just shut it down and

said I you are amazing. There's so much more we'd love to talk with you about. Dr Viviano. I would love to have you join us again next week. Thank you for taking