No Fear

And a lot of our community is female. And so today's show, we have a very very influential and powerful woman in l A coming on the show to serve you guys, to open her story to you guys, in hopes to inspire and empower our female listeners. So I'm super excited about this show. She is on with us now. She is one of l A's top real estate agents at Douglas Ellman and Beverly Hills. She is on a TV show which you've probably seen called Bravos Million Dollar Listing.

She is the only woman cast member female cast member on that show. She also has a brand new book out called Fear Is Just a four letter Word. How to develop unstoppable confidence to own any room. She is a mother, she's a partner, She's an overall wonderful human being an inspiring woman. Welcome to the show. Ms Tracy Tutor. Yeah, I thank you for having me. That was such a nice intro. By the way, I have your whole bio, and I could have kept going and going and going,

but you're a busy woman. I only have forty five minutes with you, so I I gave the meat of it. But you are such an accomplished woman, both personally and professionally,

and I want to dive into all of that. So I want to dive into your book and have a great discussion about fear, and dive into how you have overcome fear, what you have learned in twenty plus years of real estate, and how now you want to give this back to inspire people, but to inspire women, um in entrepreneurship, in the business, in the business world, in the business play, and how to maintain your femininity but still command the room and command leadership and thrive in

the business world. I also want to jump into then, how you balance being on TV, writing a book, being a full time mom, having a partner, all of this kind of stuff, because so much of our community asks about the work life balance and the struggle there and you seem to have that figured out. So, UM, thank you for being an open book for our community. And first off, I want to touch on this because you know so much about this and you wrote a book

on it, Um, fear fear. I hate when people get paralyzed by fear and how it inhibits them from achieving greatness in their life and achieving their life goals. So can you please tell us why you wrote the book and why you wanted to specifically dive into the topic of fear. I just I think fear is something that we all struggle with. It's not, you know, something that you act real you can get over. I think you can attack it in the moment and release it from

yourself when you're experiencing it. But you know, I still I was fearful yesterday when I launched this book because I was like, this is crazy and what if everybody hates it? And you know, so we all have that that self doubt that takes over in us for a

variety of reasons every single day. And I felt like, you know, that was something that I really wanted to share because it is something that in many, many different areas of my life, I've been able to conquer, you know, fear of being in a new relationship, fear of being vulnerable to somebody new. Um, fear of not getting that job that I'm up for against four men, um, you know, fear of disappointing my children. Like, we all live in

that space, so it's never going to go away. But I do think that, you know, there are things that we can do to conquer it in the moment. We have to recognize it first, right, And it's like we all want to, you know, play like I don't know I got this, and inside you're like dying on the inside because you're trying to fake it until you make it.

And the truth is, I think we don't honor it enough, Like we don't announce that we are scared and nervous to put ourselves out there because that makes us vulnerable, and no one really wants to be vulnerable because it's so much easier to say, well I didn't get it or this didn't work because I didn't really give it

a hundred percent. I was too scared. So um, you know, that's really why I felt like I wanted to write the book because I've taken a lot of chances in my life, and I have put myself out there both in business and in my personal life, and I've always felt a reward every single time I've done that, whether it as you know, a listing appointment that I was going out on and didn't get but like I understood why I didn't get it, and I was just I was glad I put myself in the in the ring anyway.

And then of course, you know, in my personal life, putting you know, talking about having a new person in my life. You know, I was terrified about that, and I really didn't want to talk about it for the longest time, and then I finally said, you know what, why, Like what happens if you live in the moment and um embrace the person that you're with whheartedly, Like what's the worst case scenario? It doesn't work out, and then guess what it's gonna hurt and then you're going to

figure that out, you're gonna move on. And I just think it's a much freeer way to live and and it just makes you that much more unapologetic and to me as a woman, as a woman, I think so many of us are struggling with this, Like, you know, constant apologizing for yourself because you didn't. You couldn't get it right, you couldn't get out of your own way. And this book is what it's all about. Amazing. I've as you've been talking just right there for that minute.

I wrote down multiple questions that just kept coming to me listening to you speak, and the first one was and you touched on it. I also believe because I've overcome a lot of fear in my life, and I want to get into your relationship with fear and my relationship with fear. But the first part of it, which you mentioned, is the acknowledgement of fear. So I believe

that's the first step to overcoming it. And you touched on it perfectly, And I'd love to get your perspective on how and when, maybe when in your life you finally started to truthfully honor and acknowledge it, and how that process goes for you. How do you become how do you become comfortable with saying, Wow, I'm scared, I'm scared of this. Do you verbalize it? Do you share it with a close friend? Is there a little practice you personally go through? So how do you personally acknowledge fear?

I mean, I think something you know, obviously gigantic in my life that I when you ask me this question, just I can't help but talk about it, um because it was so big, was my divorce, and recognizing that, you know, we just warrant in that place anymore, and saying to myself, I've got to get off the fence here, like we've both been sitting on this fence, started playing the Teeter daughter game for five years, and I really

don't want my whole life to pass me by. So I sat across from you know, my two or three best best girlfriends, and I said, I I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I'm never going to find anyone again. I'm terrified that it could be the wrong decision. I'm giving up. You know. It's just like it's just like I've had to put it all out there and announce it to myself because I knew that the only way I could be accountable to that fear was by saying it out loud.

And I have there's a perception of me that I am, you know, some tough bitch and all of these things, and the truth is I'm quite vulnerable, and I'm the people that know me best. I'm a big cry baby, and um, I feel I feel a lot, and I think it's really just important to to honor that. And and for me in my divorce, saying it allowed to my girlfriend's was the first step and it allowed me. And I talked about this in my book, you know, refer to it as don't sit on the fence too long.

You're gonna get splinters and grass. And you know, you you have one life to live. And we don't know what happens after this, not really, you know, we have belief systems and whatever, but like, this is it. And I certainly wanted to accept that. I was terrified and I was jumping off that fence and I didn't really know what was going to be on the other side. But you know, it was the most incredible moment for me, this second I made that decision, and I knew that

that was what it was going to be. Not I'm making the decision tonight on four glasses of chardonnay, and tomorrow morning I'm gonna wake up and regret it, but I'm making the conscious decision that this is the road that I'm going to take, and these are the steps that I'm going to take to to go down that road. I immediately felt like in my body for the first time in a really long time, and that was so incredible. I just felt in control again. I felt in control.

And it's like I I acknowledged that fear, like what you were talking about, and I said it out loud, and then it freed me to be able to kind of take that make that daring choice to you know, go against our traditional ideals of you know, tell death to you part and and start a new life. Amazing.

I wouldn't like listening to that. What I feel is that you you took ownership back of the fear, so by acknowledging it, by declaring it to your two or three best friends, loved ones in your life, the closest people to your heart in your life, by verbalizing it, and like exposing yourself like hey, I'm scared. This is terrifying. By doing that, in some weird way, you get ownership

back of that fear. And now you don't have to pretend or shelter yourself or put on a facade, but you can actually wear the fear and start moving through it. And what it also does is it opens up your friends and they're gonna pour their heart into I'm sure you felt amazing support from them right after you did that. I had an unbelievable support system. I mean, I have great people in my life. Um, you know, they are a big part of the definition of why I am

who I am. And um, you know, I think they all think that I was incredibly strong and during that time, but they also saw me on my back porch, you know, crying for you know, six hours straight and they went

through it with me. And so there's you know, when you have a community like that that you know is surrounding you and you have that blessing to be able to be completely vulnerable and not be worried of the judgment that might come your way is a pretty valid piece of why I was able to make the decision

to do it. I love that you just shared that little Thank you for sharing and being that open and trusting of our community to share that, because I don't want our listeners to think that because you've overcome fear that it was easier, that it wasn't sad or hard or disruptive or brought you emotions Like overcoming fear doesn't mean it's not just a hurdle you just step over. There's a lot of dredging and trudging and work that

has to go into overcoming fear. I think about in my life the fears that I've overcome and been terrified, and it's been days or months of things that I've had to continually just make even baby steps to get through. But at some point you will get through and you'll take ownership of that fear. So I just don't want our community to think that, oh, that's just what I

have to do. Acknowledge it, then I'm over it. No, it's still gonna be tough, but what you want is right on the Everything you want is right on the opposite side of that fear. Like you said, once you got through it, you're like, oh my god, I feel in my body again. You know, I hope I have control and inspiration and movement and a current in my life. Um So thank you for just sharing that. Yeah, like you went and sat on your porch and cried for

six hours straight. You had people well, you know, people always think like when everybody weighs their options, I think, particularly in this scenario, like a long term relationship like that, you're so back and forth, and it's like, God, I just don't know what the right decision is, so I shouldn't make any decision. Yeah, if you don't know what the decision is, then I'll just wait for it to what smack you in the face one day and like you just wake up and you all of a sudden, no, No,

you're not listening to your intuition. You're not listening to your gut. You're choosing to ignore all the signals that are right in front of you. Both your own signals here and you know whatever, You know the person sitting across from you that they are delivering, and if you don't acknowledge that, then you're you're losing. And applies professionally. Tisn't being stuck the worst feeling you can have. It's disagreating.

It's worse than making the wrong decision in my opinion, right because if even if I had made the decision to stay wholeheartedly um and lived in that space, then that would have been the decision that I was going to make. And I think there's something really securing about landing on your feet and and really just going for it at some point, like there's all you kind of

like are and this isn't business too. It's like you kind of a why I've used this all the time, But it's like, you know when you're at a pool and you're like, how do you visit over there? Can I jump in there? Or is it too shallow? And you're like walking around the pool, walking around the pool, but oh, I think I can do it here, And it's like eventually you're just gonna have to go for it. You're gonna have to trust your instincts and make a decision and hope to God you didn't just dive into

the shallow and head first. You know. Um, I believe fear can be an inhibitor, and I fear. Believe fear. I believe fear can be a motivator for you. It seems that fear is a motivator. You don't work right towards everything that scares me. I said, I go right for everything that scares me. It's like gravity pull. My My dad used to say. The thing one of the greatest lessons my dad ever taught me was he always said he in his life, and he was a principal

of our school. He said, I run towards the fire, and he always taught me that saying Brooks, run towards the fire, towards what you're scared of, what you're fearful of, run towards that. How do you I want to get from you, Tracy, how you have the courage to do that? Because fear is a scary thing, you know, like whether it's opening up to a person in a relationship with

maybe it's a huge listing that you might potentially get. Like, how do you muster up the courage to say, I'm actually gonna dig into this thing even though I'm scared of it. I'm signing up and I'm showing up and I'm digging in versus what you said before, like oh, just kind of like dipping a toe in the water or just being like I didn't give it to my all. It's okay that I get it, Like, how do you lean into that fear? I think you know, in the beginning,

it's an exercise. It was like anything else. I think, um, in the beginning, you really are just taking a leap of faith, Like Tracy said, if I try this and actually ran towards the fear, that I could maybe get the listing or have the relationship or whatever, and you really don't know, But I think the reward is once you do start making those decisions, you'll find yourself feeling so much more authentic. On the other side of things,

you're so much more in your body, both emotionally, intuitively, mentally, physically. Um, you just start to feel different. And that's something you'll see in yourself when you start to make those decisions. And then I think it just becomes practice. It really

has to become like a practice in your life. And there I think little things that you can do to sort of challenge yourself, Like if you're not really accustomed and you are that person who just over analyzes every single thing, there are steps that you can take to kind of go away from that, Like don't ask eighty

eight people's opinion about a decision you're gonna make. You're gonna get eighty eight different opinions, eighty eight different opinions that are just going to dilute how you authentically feel about it. You know, I say, in business and in life, select the people that are important, a small small group of them, and they are going to be different in your life personally and in your life professionally. And you know,

I have those people I know who they are. I can count them on each hand, and those are the people I go to for a variety of different reasons if I need to bounce how I'm feeling off of somebody. But you know, once you start to lose your grip on what your gut is really saying to you, then

it's really difficult to come back to. And you'll find that the more and more you practice by like going to a friend, for example, and saying, like, you know, something as stupid as you know the other day we were talking about that TV show and you said you didn't like it. I like it, Like why don't you

like it? You know, like this, like it's there's little tests that you can kind of give yourself and like we're going against a friend of your maybe they have an opinion about who you're dating or and you know, you don't really say anything, but you know it's bothering you like approach it and say, you know, it seems like you have like some opinions about what I'm what

choices I'm making lately, what talk about it? And then all of a sudden you'll be like, oh, you know, and then you just you feel and then you you kind of throw those people off because they're not expecting you to actually, you know, speak up for yourself because

you haven't before. And then it becomes this like you lay your head down on the pillow at night and you're not swallowing all that crap, and that's why you're not sleeping, and that's why people take you know, more and more people suffer from anxiety because it's like we don't release it. I think that's such a thing happening right now, especially with people with kids, because let's say one mom is a little looser about what the kids are allowed to do right now during the pandemic, and

another mom is really tight on it. All these moms are so worried about judgment from the other mom and and maybe caving on what they feel is safe for their kid because they're feeling pressured by another parent. I see this with so many moms right now. How do you stay true to what you feel is right without getting that pressure from other people in relationships, business, and

even right now, maybe with your kids. You know, I've always had a different kind of relationship with my daughters that I think is really authentic to me and them, And um, I'm I'm very honest with them about where I stand on certain issues, and they are they know me very intimately. I don't play the parent role from up here, um, you know, standing over them like I'm you know, God, you know, speaking to my disciples. Um. But I'm also not their best friend, so you know

when I'm having conversations about this. And by the way, I'm a mom too, and I totally know what you're talking about. You know. I think it's about just being candid with the people that you are talking to, like this is this is not your choice, but this is how I do it in my family, and I want to make sure that you're comfortable with it. And if

you're not comfortable with it, I totally get it. I'm just going to continue to do me and all of a sudden they'll be like, you know what, thank you for thank you for telling me, because I just didn't know really how to handle it. And you know what, I'm not comfortable because I have a kid at home.

That is I haven't seen my best friend, my nearest and dearest since the beginning of February because she's got two kids that are at high risk and she just will not take a chance, and she's like, you're like a super spreader over here, and we we just had an honest dialogue about it, and I said, look, the bottom line is, you know, I I have seen more people I have already had this, and so I just I don't want to put you in a position to where I could potentially, um, you know, do something that

might hurt your kids. And so you know, we just have that honest kind of relationship and I think she appreciates it, but I missed her like hell. But it's just the fact of you know, it's a simple fact that you've just got to be like authentic about it. Yeah. I think that's a big part of just the acknowledgement too, is is when you when you share that and opening

up honesty, opening up genuine, real feelings and emotions. Kind of why I do this show because I'm not good at that stuff, and so that this is a platform to practice that stuff. But in doing that, people actually truly see you. They truly see you. And when you We've talked about this so many times on our show, um, and I've had a great response from men and women. But when I laid down my weapons, you know, his former professional athlete played in the NHL for fifteen years.

Rugged spar contact sport. There's fighting in it, there's everybody. When I laid down my weapons of trying to be tough or trying to be Raboto or anything like that, actually say my heart is hurting or you know, I'm scared about this, or I'm not feeling confident about this. So many men then lay down theirs as well. It creates a ripple effect where people aren't trying to to show this persona of a strong person, they're actually hey,

being vulnerable. And that's kind of become one of our missions with this show is opening people up, um, letting them overcome themselves or their fear of how they might be perceived from a best friend. You when your best friend had a conversation where you didn't really care how they were going to receive it. It was just honest and we're still my best friend. We need to figure what this up, what this is out? Um. So I love that you do it. I love that you take

that step forward and then your friends. It's also a great filter for people in your life. Your friends will meet you there if they truly care about you. Absolutely, and I think that that's like, you know, sort of a guide for me. You know, I always try to lead with vulnerability, and we were talking with her right now, you know, people were like, she always laughs that people think I'm so tough, you know, and they're like, she

is so not tough. She is such a bus because I do lead with vulnerability, even though I also so I am empowered in my in the decisions that I make, and and when I do have an opinion about something, I speak it, and so that becomes, you know, this this certain characteristic about me that seems to outshine all the rest, and obviously it's magnified on a TV show, but then you forget the other entire piece of it that, you know, the reason that I have incredible friendships and

good people in my life is because I am vulnerable and I do. I'm the first to sort of say, you know what, that was insensitive of me, and I think I was really self involved in that moment, and I hurt you, and I'm so sorry. It doesn't mean I love you any less. I'm crazy about you, but I was living in my moment and you were living in yours, and I just completely did not acknowledge that

and I'm sorry. I think it's so interesting with women in business that they are perceived as tough, like successful women in business, they're perceived as so tough and strong and bitchy or badassy, whatever the word is. But when you really know those people, their actual character outside of work is usually like they're the most sensitive, vulnerable, um, whatever the words are. And I'm kind of getting that from you, that you almost have two sides to you, absolutely,

and it's it. Really I struggled with it a lot in the first and second season because everybody's perception of me was and you know, I read a lot of really nasty tweets and Facebook and people are just trolls

and just you know, nasty, nasty people. And I still get it, you know, I mean to be honest with you, like I you know, I log in the to post something on Instagram, and I remember I posted just recently a picture of my boyfriend and I which I hadn't and you cannot fathom the distasteful comments when we were smiling and happy and had just nothing but you know,

not put nothing but love out there. And you know, I got nine of that love back, and then there was ten percent of just some really dark ship and it's just one of those moments where you know, the people that loved me kind of came out of the woodworks and you know, and me as well. And I did snap into um that mode um and defended myself.

And it was really one of those things where I said, you know, I could sit here and pretend not to respond or that I don't see it, or I could delete the comments, and I was like, no, this is horseshit. I'm going to be vulnerable. I was vulnerable and I'm getting attacked and I'm not going to stand for it. Um. And so there is that piece of sort of speaking up for yourself um, and for your vulnerability, you know, on behalf of yourself um, which I think people you

know sometimes don't do enough. Like if you put yourself out there again personally or professionally, and um it's not received well for whatever reason, that you don't then have the right to respond to that. UM. I love that. I love what you just said. You've got to be your own like biggest advocate. Yes, So I love I love that on two fronts. Tracy. First, UM, it's okay. I want to acknowledge that it's okay to be two

different people. It's okay to to Like I was on the ice as a professional anthor, I got in fights, I tried to hit people, hurt people, beat people up. I tried to do that. But as a that just allowed me to perform and thrive in that arena. But in my life, I just want to love everybody. I don't want to hate people. I don't want to have hatred or rivalries like that's not what my soul wants. But in the in the business element, that's what I

needed to do there UM to survive and thrive. And I love how you have that same sort of fabric and that you can turn that on, you know, like the book if here as a poor letter word, how to develop unstoppable confidence to own any room. So you have the ability to turn that on in that environment.

But also say, like I'm a person, I have a heartbeat the same as you have, feelings and emotions the same as you, UM, but also be able to be to be independent enough, confident enough, strong enough, tough enough, resilient enough to stand up when others are trying to press that or put that down here like you said, troll you UM, can you can you speak to how that how that characteristic within you allows you in your business world, in the business world to like command a room,

to take presence and ownership and leadership of a room, especially if it's filled with men. Um. You know, I think there's a couple of different things that I do in It depends on you know, who you're sitting across from. And think there's different personality types, and I think you have to navigate different personalities in different ways, you know. UM. One thing I talk a lot about is mirroring some of those personality types. And I think it's important to um.

You know, if you find yourself in a room with like a creative type, you know, a lot of times those personalities, you know, particularly in like Hollywood, your writers or directors or um that I have been my clients there, these fantastic personalities and they can dominate the room because they have great ideas and oftentimes, like I can be attracted to that because they're interesting and they're thinking outside

of the box. But they're also hard to keep focused, right, So you know, I'll come into a room you know differently for someone like that, and I would with you know, someone that is you know, perhaps like the guy with the client end of mine that has been on the show the last two weeks. I mean, he has an ego that is is larger than the state of California.

So I had to with him. I I really couldn't showcase any vowner ability because he had He was the type that looked for the whole and would like and jab you like I remember I was walking him through the house and that this did end up making the show, and he looked at me in the master bedroom and I was looking around and saying what a great view it was. And he looked at his business partner, who remained silent the whole showing, and he said, look at her.

She looks a little bit nervous, doesn't she doesn't she, Robert, He's a little nervous, Tracy. And he was like he was just completely just outright coming for me. And I just looked right back at him, staring in point blank in the eye, and I said, I'm not nervous at all. I don't really get what was the purpose of him saying that he wanted to throw me. And I couldn't figure out in the moment why. I realized later that

there was there was something, you know. I mean, he's a masochist number one, um, but there's also something about him that he got pleasure in watching me squirm. But I think he wanted to see me survive it. He wanted to see if I could continue on and I did, and at the end of it, you know, he offered me the portfolio. But I remember he also said to me, you know, you realize if you fail, I will fire you, like like that's a necessary thing to say, if you

feel I will fire you. And I said, I don't fail. That's such an interesting to fail. But I couldn't in that moment. I couldn't. I couldn't showcase any vulnerability, like well, I mean I understand that, Scott, but you know, I don't think I'm gonna fail or you know, I really am a hard worker and I think you're gonna be really like, I couldn't play that that role of vulnerable female. It wouldn't have worked with him. Do you experience that a lot where your own clients seem like they're sort

of combative against you. He was a special case. I learned a lot from that relationship. I've had a few very difficult clients over the year that that wanted to challenge me for a variety of reasons. Um and I just continually remind them that I have twenty years of experience in this arena and that they hired me for a reason. So you know, if if they're not a fan of my opinion or way to navigate the deal, then perhaps they should go somewhere else. And I'm not

that's so weird. I that's so bizarre because I always sort of interpreted the agent as the person that's like going to bat for you and trying to help you. So it sounds so strange that you would want to be like have as opponent make money until your house closes. So believe me, we are doing everything that we can to sell your apps. Like otherwise we're just working for fun and this isn't fun. Along with that, how do you maintain like a as a woman in the market

play area in the business world? How do you how do you navigate and still maintain the level of femininity or female energy that you are proud of that is congruent with how you want to live your life, because sometimes it is going to be challenged, Like you just said, with this gentleman, you like You're like, I can't, I can't give in there. Um, I need to stand up and be firm. But how do you how do you not just get carried away with doing that all the

time and have that become your business persona. Is it just you know your compass of where you want to be in your energy or I think it's too I think I have the chapter that I talk a lot about this. It's called fight like a Girl All and it's about you know, embracing sort of your feminine um energy in a room that maybe has those types of dynamics.

And you know, I will, in a moment go with my intuition, and based on who's sitting across from me, I will either go with the more direct approach where I'm defending you know, where I have to look and square in the eye and say, don't you know, don't speak to me like that ever again. Or you know, in some cases you can sort of play to the room as long as you know what your goal is and and you know something that we have in spades I think as women is our intuition. I think we

do listen to it more than the average men. Not all, I mean, you are oddly um, intuitive and as a male, uh, and to talk to I mean, you're super connected, but more often than not, particularly in business, you're not going to experience that. So you have to try to figure out if you need to sort of play to that room. If you're in a room full of men that you know happen to think you are pretty and that that charming and charming and that that's working for you, then

I say, more power to you. Don't shy away from that. And that's something that's kind of controversial because then you're overtly what sexual or you're overtly you're playing to the crowd. And you know, I don't see what's wrong with that.

I I think if the tables were turned, uh, and a man was had the opportunity to play to his masculine strengths, he's going to do that all day long, talking about what a badass he was in football that weekend, or who he went out with on Friday night and check her out and like all this kind of like macho stuff. And yet as a woman, you know, you've got to be really careful about playing to that because that could cause you a lot of issues. So it's

a fine line. But I think sort of honoring your feminine power is a big piece of fighting like a girl and knowing when to do that powerful awesome. UM. We only have you for a couple more minutes, so I want to touch on this, UM, how are you able to successfully navigate the the superpower businesswoman TV book, real estate agent for one of the popular state agents in l A. How are you able to successfully do that and still navigate being a full time and president

loving mother. UM. A lot of our community as female, and a lot of them are mothers. What advice would you give them on how you figured out on how to have this UM? This balance. I don't know if the balance is the right word, but of professional and personal UM, it's one word imperfection. Embrace it. It's really empowering. You know, you can try to be a hundred percent all the time to your kids, and a hundred percent all the time to your career, and a hundred percent

to your partner. But we all know in the real world, if we're really being honest with ourselves, we can't be a hundred percent to everybody all of the time. And you have to make decisions every single day in that moment of what is the most important thing right now, who's sitting in front of me, who is who is craving and needing my attention. I talked to my girls about it very openly. I say to them, I'm gonna miss the horse show next week, and because I have

a really important pitch. I mean, I'm making this up, but you know, I keep that dialogue open. And I talked to them about how important my work is to me because I have to put food on the table, not because I have a hobby and I enjoy being away from them, but because I actually am want to raise my girls to see a successful working woman who can take care of herself. Um. And so there's that piece of it, and then there's just the the absolute

acceptance that were imperfect. And I just feel like when you can accept that and you know not, I feel like you have to be snack mom and soccer mom and career mom and all of these things. I can't be snack mom. It's just not going to work out

for me. And my kids understand that. But I remember, like early on, when they were in kindergarten, first grade, I was like, you know, I was at this school, this private school that that both of the girls are going to and I used to be like, well, I have to do the fair because everybody does the fair, and so I better volunteer, you know. And I was like killing myself trying to like keep up with the Joneses.

And then finally I had I sat down with the head of the school of female had taken over the school, and I sat down, I had a meeting with her and I was like, listen, I'm going through a divorce, I am working full time, hardy than I ever have, and I just can't I can't come in and do

snack on Friday. And she started laughing and she was like, honey, you don't need to worry about Friday snack or you know, volunteer and she made we have this really great talk and I said thank you, because I just I can't stand the pressure and I feel so judged by it, and it's like I'm I'm doing it to myself. So I completely like all of it. I haven't been up to that damn school except for picking up in two years,

and I feel like I am still a great mom. Yeah, you seem to have your boundaries really set, Like I think that's one thing A lot of people struggle with is their their boundaries get encroached upon and then they're pleasing everybody else but not themselves, and then the word then the worst version of them and the inevitably comes out and you seem to have a great grasp on

protecting yourself your boundaries. And I lost it, you know, I lost it to the head of school and she was like, you did not need to be like a mess right now. You need to fine with the decision that you've made. But it's like, I think all moms do that to themselves, and particularly single moms at work. It's like we have this like insane maternal gilt that says, if we're not doing everything all of the time, then we we suck at this. And it's like, now you don't.

Your story is incredible. You should write a book, Tracy um where I know you gotta go. You have a listening to get to um. Where can people find the book that just launched yesterday? Oh, you guys can find it. You can go to my website Tracy Tutor dot com backslash book very easy if you live in the US. Obviously, to get it on Amazon where there's hard copy available. UM so I encourage you guys to go out and get it. And then you can find me on Instagram

at Tracy Tutor. If you have any questions about the book or whatever. D m me. I try to get back to everybody. A amazing I can't wait to check it out. And then the show is coming out of the twelve is a twelfth season of Million. Yeah, this show is out. We're airing um every Tuesday night at nine pm on Bravo and tune in and and what It's a really interesting season. Okay, So now the single most important question I've asked you the entire show. We've covered a lot of things. Tell me when you were

ready for a Tracy, I'm ready. I'm in the market for a house. Will you represent me? Yes, even get to talk about it. Are you really looking for a house in l A? I kind of have a soft goal of like buying myself just because La is locked down right now. I'm up at my lake house in Idaho and l A's kind of locked down even yesterday

just scaled back even more. Um. I kind of want to watch the market and what goes on in the next year, and I sort of have off goal of buying myself a house uh in l A by my birthday, which is end of June next year. So I'm I'm already looking. I've walked through a couple I've checked it out. I'm watching on on the internet what's coming up daily

kind of thing, and just well I'm looking. I'm looking to Brooks because I feel like, you know, with everything that's going on and the climate right now, uh, you know, end of this year, first part of next year is going to be a really good time to buy. So I mean that's when I'm going to be out shopping for myself. So if that gives you any confidence, you happen to be, you know, entering the market at a

really good time, yeah, I hope. So yeah, So for the foreseeable future, I'm gonna be just here, and I to hope because I can be outside, i can be on the waterkay. My dog loves it here. Um and so friends come visit, you know. Just I love it up in the Pacific Northwest. It's just it's my heart and soul. But l A is also home, and l A will be home for me. So in the market for a new home. So if you will have to connect from this and and talk about what you're really

looking for, and we'll keep an eye out for you. Tracy, You're the best. Thank you so much. Thank you for your sharing your story with us. Please go check out her new book, um and I can't wait to read it. And then when I'm back in l A. Would love to meet you sometime and yes, help you. I love it.

Thank you, Tracy, cheers to take care, have a great week. Brooks. Now, I have a relationship question, and I'm gonna have to stick with you to answer it, because I was hoping Tracy was gonna answer it, but she had to go, So you're gonna have to do it, Okay, I'll try my best, Amy, you know. So Okay, So it was fitting when you bring me your relationship stuff, So it was fitting for her because of fear. So here is the conundrum, and I'm so curious your take on it. Okay.

So when I'm like confident in my relationship, all is good. But when I get anxious, like I sometimes get anxious like, oh no, what if he doesn't like me anymore? Is he going to break up with me? I get more needy and kind of clingy and call more and text more, and I would say, a guy would be like, that's so annoying, and but it's like this circle. So when I do that, then he's more like, uh, pulls back, which makes me more anxious. And luckily we did talk

about it. I was like, if you just can reassure me once in a blue moon that everything's good, then I'm less worried about it. But like, how do we do that ourselves without having to have that conversation and like get into this weird circle? How do you not worry so much about that which then takes you down that rabbit hole of anxiety and fear and then acting cleany and weird and needy when that's not really even who you are. Does that make sense? Did I explain

it right? Yeah? Someone My first question is like, what is causing me anser siety? Is it like, oh, he hasn't called me in three days or I haven't spoken with him in a week, Like, yes, that is warranted anxiety. Or is life just that's a really that's such a good that's a really good question. I think it's just life is so anxiety filled right now that I just go, oh, let's just add this anxiety to it too, you know,

what I mean. That was my first question is like, like, has has he done something where you're like, wow, the thing is really off. No, so he's been himself and been the same and now all of a sudden like yeah. And I'm so curious for people to answer this question too. Is that a girl thing that girls just do where we get like worried in quotes are like, uh, does he like me? Is that a girl thing? Like? I don't really think guys do that. Let me so let me go with that. I would say I would not

put that as a gender specific thing. Um. I think all human beings, regardless who you are, if you are the president of the United States, even all, let's not bring him up. But well, I mean I'm talking whatever. I mean, a person in immense power positions right right right, All human beings undoubtedly go through an EBB and a flow of of supreme confidence and that sometimes lack of confidence and self doubt. And speaking from experience myself, even I was a I had a very successful hockey career.

I felt supremely confident most of the time because I trusted my preparation, trusted my passion, the work that I put in, the amount of intensity that I put in. But still even with all of that built up, there were still many, many, many times of self doubt of jeez, how come I am I good enough? How come it's not going my way right now? Like even though I prepared the same, I worked the same, I rested the same, nothing had changed, just the natural ebb and flow of life.

Is I just went through a little bit of self doubt or a little bit of whatever. But it's not it's not self deprecating if you just acknowledge and recognize it and acknowledge like, hey, I'm actually doing the work. Um, the result maybe isn't exactly what I want, but um, I don't know. That's just my own take on it. So is it better to sort of, okay, so let's say, in your relationship, is it better to actually acknowledge it to you're you know, boyfriend and just go, oh, I'm

feeling a little anxious, that's why this is happening. Or is it better to kind of like just do it on your own and like maybe meditate or say to yourself, like, this is based on nothing, get your ship together and don't put this on other people. Which one is the way to go for me, it worked better to talk to him about it because it kind of just got rid of it really quick. But is it better to do it yourself. I don't know the answer to that either. I don't know that you have to answer that one

way is better than the other. I think both are very helpful and can be used at different times at the same time, Like maybe it's sometime you're like, wow, like he's really not doing anything, it's just me, and let me just like go to a meditation class or be peaceful and serene, or go on a walk and clear my head and just like you know, and then maybe come back and then just voice it to him quickly and just like I was feeling this, it's probably me,

as Tracy said, it's probably me just in my own stuff, and I apologize for it. I'm just feeling this want to bring voice to it. That's why you're in a partnership. Like you're in a partnership, you have somebody on your side, you have a teammate, and not using them is not a partnership, right. I like that advice because I think that's true. If you if you're not able to admit it or ask or just explain then what are you doing? Yeah, and you're not you're not even letting that person in them,

you know. If and look at it this way, like if you if you're part know Amy was struggling with that same thing, you would say, just come ask me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, talk, come talk to me. I'm here for you, like yeah, I'll reassure you everything's good. Or you know, maybe when you go ask them they're like, no, everything is bad. I don't want to scare you. Abe, I already handled it before I asked you about it, because I would have been so anxious if I asked you, I would

to like started balling right now. But truthfully, that's that's the point of a partnership is to have somebody to lean on, somebody to be in something together. So they otherwise they're in a partnership and you're not. If you and you would say to them, come to me, like, come to me. I'm your person, like I'll help you if you're struggling with something, let me know. So I have a chance to help you because I love you

to bring my heart to you so um. But then I would also say, like there are other times when you can recognize and be like this is just a small thing. I just need to clean myself up a little bit here. Whatever is a personal development practice that works for me, a good mindset. I like that clean myself up a little bit. That's a really good way to say it. It's like it's like you shower almost You're like, I just gotta like clean myself up. That's

a good good way to say it. Maybe just emotionally or a little soul wise or a little like so that you're not just always dumping on this person. You know, it's probably like then it's like you want me. If it was me and you were always dumping on me, it's like I always have to do the work for you, right if I see you, if you're like, hey, I need I just need a morning or something, I want to go to a meditation class with just kind of struggling and whatever, and then you come home in a

better state. I'm like, Wow, she was struggling with something and went and worked on herself. And I see that independence versus that clinging and neediness. You know, so well, yeah, and as soon as I felt confident, like he was like, no, everything's good, You're just being annoying. And then I was like, Oh, I'll be less annoying now that I know everything's good, and I totally am. It's like so weird how we mess with ourselves. Basically me before we go? Did you

already like read that that email from the listener? I think next week we should have like all those questions and answer a bunch of questions. But should we do one before we go? The one from Maria? Yeah? Read it? Okay, So here's that question. We always love when our listeners send us questions. We read them all and we pull it from him, the most popular or themed ones, the best ones that we share them on the show. So

this one's from the listener, Maria, and she said. Brooks said that he has learned to be more in touch with his emotions this past year. I'm wondering where did the lack of being emotionally in touch come from? Hockey, locker room culture, family dynamics, or somewhere else. How can you effectively communicate as the new you without being a giant feather ruffler to those who have not changed along

with f you? UM question a wonderful question. It's like Maria, it's an amazing question, and so to answer it truthfully, and I've figured this out being on the other side of hockey and being retired from hockey. Now, Um, the reason I was, I was conditioned that way, I was cultured that way. I am. I was not born that way. I don't believe and just spoke about this with Tracy. I do not believe that a human being is born with hatred or rivalry or anthemy like qualities that that's

what they want in their life. Um. I believe human beings are born with joy and pleasure and happiness and kindness and love in their heart. And so when I think of my soul, truthfully, when I think of my soul, I think of my soul is just you know me, Amy. I have a massive heart, and I want to give to people and love people. I want that to be my legacy on the earth that I just love massively.

Um and so I but in in hockey, you get beat up pretty quick if you go out there like yeah, yeah, yeah, the you literally get paid because you need to win. So to win, you need to beat the other team. And I just can't go out there and love everybody and try and serve their mission. I gotta go out there and beat people so through the sport. Um, it wasn't something that was taught to me by my parents.

You need to be this way to thrive. I think it was the a little bit of the hockey culture, a little bit of locker room, but mainly myself in trying to and I've said this many times, I tried to weaponize every part of myself to be able to succeed at hockey, and that includes emotions. So as a professional athlete, we actually we actually train sensory deprivation training, which means you is that you train yourself not to feel You train yourself not to feel pain. Can I

physically push my body for further? Can I go longer? Can I train harder and longer? Um, you train yourself not to hear noise. We're in a building with eighteen twenty screaming people. I don't want to hear that noise. I need to focus on this. I don't want to see that distraction. The people on the glass banging right in your face. You know, you see you see players, You see like a player standing calm and still, and you see chaos around the fans or people banging like

they've trained themselves. They have sensory deprivation training where they don't get rattled by all of this stuff, and the same goes for emotions, and it's very unhealthy. I remember being at a funeral of my next door neighbor Ura Wilson, who was almost like a grandmother to me because my grandma was seven hours away or On Albert lived right across the street from us, and when she passed, I think I was about twenty two years old, and I

remember intentionally stuffing feelings at her funeral. He said that this would make me stronger. You My brother started crying next to me, and I felt the emotion coming up of crying for or as she were so close to them, and I stuffed that down because I'm like, this is gonna make me stronger. Nobody told me to do that. Nobody, no coach told me to do that. My parents didn't tell me to do that. I did it myself. And when I look back at that now, that's such an

extremist and such an unhealthy way to live. Um And that's some of the can be what I'm trying to undo from my sport, and that's why my emotions have started to come out in the last year. That's why I'm having this conversation today with you and with with Tracy like a year ago. I'm not jumping on a call to talk about how it does a woman, you know, maintain their femininity in a marketplace or in a business life.

You know. Having this conversation is practice for me to get more in touch with my actual true soul and my true heart and feelings versus what I had cultured myself to be through sport. Yeah good, it feels better. Probably stuffing it down, they say that doesn't really work, So it feels so I feel so much more like pree. I sleep beautifully, yeah, yeah, deliberate. I feel honest and authentic and truthful, you know. And I've you've seen me cry.

I've cried my eyes out to you, like you've seen I. I lost we lost our dogs, Lexie and Harley last year, like just wrecked me, you know. Like there's been so many things in my My heart has broke open in so many ways that actually I now allow myself to feel it. The armor that I put on it has come off and it's starting to crack and come off. And now I can actually feel my heart and my emotions and I love them. Even crying has come back

into my life. Luckily, you've never seen me cry never, not not not any of the times that you've walked into my heart more with your hair a mass and your son us is on and I just said let's have it, and you mean not every other Tuesday. Um anyway, I mean, I'm just I always cry. It just pours out. I sometimes, especially these days, like I find myself just crying all the time. Like it's just so emotional and hard on people. Right now, it's like everything makes me cry.

I mean, I like put a little mask on my nine year old niece and I'm like, oh, this is so emotional in ways, like it's just you go, okay, this is life. And then I think about them going to school, and it's like I want them to go to school and I don't want them to go to school at all. It's like I don't know how everything is fearful, like we've talked about today and how do you sort of navigate that. It's like, let me just do our best amy truthfully, nobody there's no playbook for this.

No nobody has the answers because we don't know what's coming, you know, So we just we just do our best, try our best, surround ourselves with people we love, and like today, I cried today. I had a deep heartfelt conversation today with a person and I cried this morning in that conversation. And I love it. I love it because it actually means I'm actually expressing my full heart like any any person that you can see it, and

especially in man. You can are in anybody, but you can see when emotions start coming up on a person. You can visually there's your body will show those signs of emotions coming up. And then people that push it back down to regain composure and control aren't actually expressing the true potential of their heart and their love. And so for me, when I feel that start coming up, I've now learned and I'm now conditioning myself to just let that poor out because my mission in life is

to love truly, to love. So if emotion is coming, it's coming, you know. And I used to stop it. I used to stop it because it served me in hockey. Now that hockey is not in my life, have been able to make and I've just evolved as a man and as a human being, I've been able to make so many more strides to opening up my heart. And yeah, I think if you stop it, it makes you sick. Oh, if I believe that, I believe it's to some sort

of cancer or some sort of or diarrhea. At least I was going to long term, like somebody that has this tendency to do this for a decade or decades, that it's gonna turn into a tumor or something. But you're like, no, right now, it's coming never. I always want to work diarrhea into the show somehow. Wait, what's

our email address? I really want people to send us like a bunch of questions so we can get like a panel next week and try to answer all these questions that people have right now, Like, like I said, my mom, friends that are like I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Like do I do I send my kid to school? Do I not? Do I let my kid go on this bike ride? Do I not? Like? Do they go out with this friend? Those that family is being a little more loosey goosey than we are.

But is it going to hurt those people's feeling? I mean it's just a hot, hot yes, Yeah, what's our email address? It's Ben at I Hurt Radio dot com. You guys are both messing men at I Heart radio dot Com. Email us. We know you're listening, So emails, any questions, anything you want us to talk about, and I'll put together for Brooks a really good panel so we can try and answer some of this. I'm gonna let I'm gonna let the ships go on today. I'm

not gonna bleep the ships. She said, shit, I said, ship we can all right, and I'm gonna let the diarrhea stay in. Yeah you are. Um, I'm actually really curious to hear I'd love to hear from our listeners, from our community. UM. I'd love to hear from you guys, just how you're doing with this time. UM. I've found this time to be an immense blessing. UM. Nobody lost any family members in this time due to so I've been very fortunate in that way. My family hasn't got it.

I've had a few friends that have had it. UM, but I've found the time to be I was having a conversation this morning about it, about how it's taught me real true presence. Yeah, I've been at my lake house in Idaho and had a couple of friends come and we've been here for two weeks in quarantine here and just been in the same room and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. And it's really brought a paramount, like just a paramount wave of reality and truth and

priority in life of what's important. I have high is in lows with it, but we can talk about that next week. I have some things where I'm like, I really can handle this. I got this, and some things where I'm like, oh man, I'm terrified when I walked down the street. And that's a lot of our community. I'm sure so our listeners would love to hear. Yeah, let's put together show. And then I just was listening.

I'm so frustrated because I was listening to these this live report from this reporter in Germany, and it's like they got this thing kind of figured out. So I don't know, I have a whole thing, Like I think my thing is, let's let's try and I don't know what I can do about it, but could we figure out people, let's get the testing where we can get the results like in a day or two days, not twelve days. That's my thing. I'm not being it's not political,

it's not anything. Just can we figure out the testing that seems like it would be so yeah. Um, and there's many places in l A that are offering free testing. Yeah, but the results right now are so backlogged, so I don't know. Maybe I can find someone that can help us sort that out and explain, because that's such a problem if you have to wait seven to ten days for your results. I know. But also like just the world, the world yesterday is in the world today, The world

today is in the world tomorrow. You know, we're doing this like we started how men think by coming into the studio in Burbank and seeing each other every day and having face to face conversations, and now we're doing it digitally over zoom call. You know, the world changes. If we're not willing to accept that, like even for I think for the next twelve to eighteen months, potentially maybe even two years, we're wearing masks. Oh for sure,

I think so for sure. If we're fighting against it, if we're fighting to keep the old, we're not open to the new, We're not open to the future. You're you're paralyzed, you're stop in the past. No, I don't disagree with that. I still would like to get the testing figured out. So I'm gonna see what I can do to get some answers on that. And that's my

big one right now. M let's figure that out. I'm not a scientist or the owner of a laboratory though, so I don't know what I'm gonna I'm gonna solve it, laborate work on depends how you say. It sounds better that way. We'd love to hear from you guys listening. UM. We always try and curate topics and discussions that serve you. And so Tracy today talking about femininity and confidence and empowerment for females in the workplace was amazing. Her house,

by the way, looked amazing. I wanted to mention it to her her house. I know, maybe they'll put a shot up on the Instagram because her house was obviously like beautiful should be. She's been We will stay for twenty years and listening. So UM, we want to hear from you, guys, from our listeners, men at I Heart radio dot com, send us your questions topics of discussion. We'll go through them, we'll pick the best ones and we'll have a show where we dive into all of

those until next week. Take care of one another, love one another, and I miss your face, Amy Sugarman and you two Danielle and YouTube Tory. Love you guys. Hi, guys. Bye,