Intimate Knowledge with Julianne Hough

That's sure too. That violet is that violet you're wearing. I'm celebrating right now. Yeah, talk into the mic. I'm sorry, but you know what I mean. You're a singer with getting to the hype. This is actually a great Mike technique. When I get louder, I lean away from the mic. But it doesn't work here in the studio, it doesn't buddy. Sorry, guys, and you have brilliant things to say. I want everybody to hear that wisdom. How are you doing today, Boddy?

I'm good man, I'm great. I got here on time today, so I'm feeling a little bit better about myself. Yeah, I got here so early that I went and got a bite to eat and came back late. He's not good to be back. That's good, it's good to have you. And you also you also had z food at a steak restaurant. I did. That's right, that's right. I even was incredibly bad influence and recruited the other two guys out here to come down, and uh, they didn't fight.

I said, anybody wants something to eat downstairs at the restaurant. Immediately like yeah, hell yeah, I'll be right down. The worst party was showed up. It was three minutes before we're supposed to be here, and he's like, oh, I'm early, I'm gonn get a snack. Who paid? Who picked up

the check? Gaff? We just left the check And what happened was funny because, uh, I guess by the time Dmitri first walked in, I wasn't sitting at the bar where I had said I would be, and um, I came back out and there was nobody there, and of course they walked in. If you Mini Starcio, where we maybe we walked in here, you weren't in here? I said, well, actually I was in the bathroom because I'm wearing this linen shirt and I just unpacked it and had wrinkles

all over it. So I was in there throwing water on the wrinkles. I walked out looking like I was breastfeeding all that a miracle baby, you know. So there, why good question for you because there's no cameras in here currently. What was were you worried about just walking in the ten steps from Morton's that I heard here

that somebody might see your wrinkled shirt. And I was afraid actually that I would walk in here and then they'd have cameras in here and they go, hey, let's take a couple of pictures for the show, you know, like, oh, man, here's the guy with the I just unfolded my laundry from my luggage, you know, defeats the whole kind of purpose, Like, who's the slob? That's all right, buddy, you look fresh, you look clean, and you've got a big smile. So I thought he was pumping me because I walk in there.

I'm like, I'm on my way. I walk in and I look around and the woman at the front desk is just looking at me, and I just I look around. I'm standing there. She gets a call, so I wait and then she you know, hangs up the phone. I go, is there anyone here? And she goes, you mean, like for service a server and I'm like no, no, like I'm supposed to meet somebody and she's like, no, no, You're the only one here. So I left and I went back and I bumped it. I bumped in a

rick and he's like, let's go back and check. So we go back, come around the same corner and there's Gavin Jumbo shrimp cartail it, tacos, the whole spread. I was like, how did I miss him? Because the last time he told me to meet him somewhere. We're at this hotel up in Oakland and he's like, I'm gonna go back down the bar and gonna drink. I was like, all right, I'm in. So I go up to my room and I come back down and there he has.

The bar's empty, He's sitting at the bar, he's got a beer in front of him, and he's got a beer in front of an empty seat. And I walked in. It was it was the most special feeling. It was like a tinder date. What a gentleman. He had a drink from me already? Was this time was just a complete opposite, Rick, how are you doing today? But well? Doing well Brooks? Yeah, you look good too, thank you. Yeah. I'm just a busy work day and I made it through the traffic and I'm happy to be here. I

really excited to get this going. Yeah, so this topic today, Rick is not admitting that he also showered for you guys. I w so I walked in the day, said Demetri said Ricks. Here he's in the shower. I'm like, does he have a corporate like office? Rick? Like, how did I did you get that in your deal? I didn't get that in my deal? This is a shower here? Did you get there was a shower downstairs? And I was so excited. Amy hooked it all up and I went walking like, you know I had to pay fifteen

dollars for that shower? Did you use? It was the you can travel with that? It's the gym downstairs. So I had to get Rick a fifteen dollar ship. But I was watching down there and I walked you in the gym, and on the on the wall and going into the gym is a gigantic poster of this dude who's just absolutely ripped. And I turned to to Tor and I said, is that Brooks, It was the gym. Let's superpose a picture. It's one of those poster things you put up in your kid's room. That's just the

giant baseball player. Rather, I appreciate it once a day. Tell me that's ones to day. I appreciate you, my man. That's what we're here for. So today's topic is something I'm really excited for this and it's something that maybe a lot of men might be shy to talk about. Maybe it might be uncomfortable for a lot of men. I think a lot of women listening are certainly more comfortable discussing it. And that topic is intimacy intimacy. So what is intimacy? Intimacy versus sex? These guys look at

me like you can't see. I'm gonna go back down and see if I can find Gavin back. I'm quite excited to get into this though, um, because it's an area I certainly need to grow. I'll admit that first and foremost. I certainly need to grow is the key word there. And also what's unique about this is we have four guys that are in different stages of their life. Gavin is single, so what's intimacy to a single man? How do you build that when looking for a partner?

Young man or women who is single and looking to build intimacy with a partner. I'm freshly, area, have been married two years, so what is intimacy to me now? Then? Dmitri, you've been married, uh fourteen years? Fourteen years? And Rick? So you guys have been married fourteen fifteen years? How has intimacy changed? How do you keep intimacy in your relationship? What? What fuels intimacy for you guys? And I'm sure for all of us it's very different. So I'll pose this

question to you guys to kick it off. Gavin, what picked your mind? You have? Let's start with you? What is intimac people who know about it? Short answer? What to you is intimacy? Buddy? Oh? Tough question? But um, do I have to go first? I mean you don't. I mean intimacy is a lot of different things. Intimacy is the the initial spark um. Um. We can skip

with all that means, the initial spark um. But ultimately, I think I think you you have to um figure out if there's a long term goal there with the person that you're intimate with I think the culture changed and it became sort of a you know, we're trying to People got more religious, and they got into the whole marital status of things, which essentially where all that stuff stem from, right, Having like a monogamous relationship, um, which is a long term thing. You're looking for a

life partner if you're lucky to find that. But I think that's a different thing than somebody who's just kind of out in the world floating around looking for something that's actually gonna work at all. You know, you guys, have found your your life partner, You love your life, you're the stars aligned, etcetera. You know. Um. So it's hard for me to say that I know anything about intimacy other than wow, look at that. That's amazing. It just hasn't quite worked out for me long term, you

know what I mean. So intimacy falls I think falls in line with the relationship things. So I'm not really an expert on any of that stuff, and I don't think any of us are. But I'll go to YouTube. Guys, you've been married fourteen fifteen years, me treat for you and your wife. What would you say intimacy? Well, one, how would you define intimacy and then how is it present in your relationship? Intimacy to me is the when you find that person that everything else kind of melts away.

You can be at your raw state with each other, and you can feel vulnerable and you can feel like with this person, I feel safe and you're like and you're sharing. So a lot of people I think confused intimacy and sects, and I think there is a sexual aspect to intimate intimacy, but it doesn't mean that all just having sex with someone is intimate. So I think it's when you feel like you're with someone that you feel vulnerable, but you still feel safe and you feel trusted.

And I think that that both of you feel that way, and I think you have someone that you feel Listen, all the other stuff in the world, all the other stuff that can happen right now, this is this is my safe zone. So how how how is it present in your relationship today? How do you and your wife make sure that you are intimate with each other? Obviously there's physically, but uh, how emotionally or connection wise? How do you make sure that you are present and intimate

on a daily basis? Yeah, we don't know I'm kidding. Um, I guess basically, we just make sure that we that we communicate so and I think you have to I think you have to go and do things that Obviously there's the physical aspect of it, but I think you have to do things that remind each other that that that you have that relationship. So it's like you'll have conversations with each other and you'll keep each other, you know, up to date on your feelings or not up to date.

Sounds so business e, but you know you'll you'll be open about your feelings in this now. But I think you have to remind each other that that you do have that relationship. So you know, if someone had a crazy day, or if someone's going through something, or if there's someone in the families anything you remind you know, you have to remind that person and spend a little time. It could be something as simple as as holding a hand. It could be you know, spooning while you're in bed,

and it could just be having a conversation. But it's like you have to remind that person or remind each other that that you have that relationship and when all this other stuff is there, that you're strong at the core. And that's that's what I think, that's where it comes from. That's what I meant to say earlier. Actually answer I was reading that from his text. I was like, I'm gonna take one for the team here, and here's the answer you should give. I like that you set them

up to succeed. Good for you, But uh, I mean to be honest, it's hard. You know, when you've been married for fifteen plus years or fifteen years or whatever, maybe it's even two years, or maybe it's nine or whatever. I do believe that it's a very hard thing to maintain um and two people have to or your partner, you really have to work at it. It's not just something.

You know, falling in love is falling in love and you're, like Dmitri saying, you're kind of everything goes away and you're just with each other and you're engaged with that person. I think that's kind of the early stages of that.

And then as you grow older or you're married longer, and then you have kids, and there's other things that come in your life that not to say or more of a priority, but for the both of you are more of a priority, you know, raising your kids, getting them to school, you know, whatever that may be, they take up more of that space. And I think reaching back into that person, um, you know, after fifteen years

is it's very challenging, you know. And those are some of the face those are some of the things that my wife and I face, you know. And whether that's trying to make it it's it's as hard for us or me to to schedule a dinner date, you know. I mean it's like, well, when do you want to do that? Um? And but it has to be done,

and that's how important it is. And I think even with my wife and I, we really try to make those dates, whether it's a dinner date or maybe it's dropping you know, going together to one of the kids games, you know, right right now where we split ways and you know, I'm with my son or she's with my son, and I'm like, you know, it's like, hey, where where do we connect back? You know, And a lot of that times it's it's let's make our favorite meal together,

let's you know whatever that is. You know. So I think it's really trying to find the things that you fell in love with each other back at day one and rehashing some of that stuff and being like remember that time we were down to Newport Beach and and you know, we jumped off the Leado Pier and in our bathing suits on the fourth of July. And then we drove home and we went to my parents house and we were like dating for about two weeks and

it was like craziness, you know. But like those are the you know, when we drive over a bridge, it's like, let's jump, let's go off. You know, it's not the Golden Gate bridge. Let's just drive off the bridge. That's I think that's that's not it's reconnecting with those those times in your life when you were still when you're in love. Yeah, because you can't replace history, you can't,

you know what I mean. If you have a great history with somebody, that's essentially becomes part of your DNA with each other and some element of your relationship, right, so that you know, and there's validation there and there's

comfort there. And like you're like what you were saying to meet you about about having that that person you can trust, Well, that can really possibly happen over time, right where you have that that person you can trust to that degree, right, And I feel like, excuse me, I don't want to do a disservice here. I said what what intimacy is and what I think it is and what it is in my relationship, But after Ricky started answering, I think I need to make it clear

that I'm saying that. But it's very it's extremely challenging. You're right, is I'm not saying by any means that I have this figured out and we do this every day and this is what we do and everything. You know, there are there are days where, especially we have four kids, there are days where it's just like four weeks weeks on end where it's just like you're just running around and you don't have that moment. And I think back

to what you were saying. My wife's and my first official date, we went to Toys r US because I had to buy something from my niece and we went and we ended up playing four Square in the store, knocked over display, got kicked out, it's like stuff like so it was fun. But yeah, obviously nowadays you don't have we don't have that type of thing. So you're right. I think you said it very well that you can't. When you say you can't repeat history places place history,

so it's it's there. We can't replace it, and you can't necessarily we created either. So you can't just rely on figure it out. You can't just rely on the history that you have with somebody that we've been intimate in the past. And that's enough. Yeah, that's the thing kind of you know, we we had done another one of the last things we we we did one of the last episodes we did. We one of the last

episodes we did. We we spoke about um, you're speaking about health, you know, your physical health and saying things like, um, well, when you're getting older, you're not going to get back that eighteen year old physical self. You're gonna get that twenty three year old self whatever that was in your prime.

But and so is there no In some ways I think there's danger in applying applying well, I remember what we were because you're not going to get that back, right, I mean, is it is it dark for me to

say that doesn't come back? But you remember that there were those certain um that those natural uh sort of connections that you had, and those are a reflection of who you would become ultimately because you click so so so quickly at a certain time in your life, and therefore there's an element of that that you perhaps will grow together in a certain a certain that's not dark.

I think that's realistic. I mean, you know you don't you don't have those like you said, you don't have those things in the past to carry you through all the way. You have to constantly find new things and reinvent them. Life is not the way it was when when we were twenty six, and so it's like with no kids and no care freeze. So yeah, it's it's not dark. It's realistic. But you still have those great memories to tempt into to remind you of, Okay, this is these are the things that made me fall in

love to begin with. And essentially do you do you do need to remind yourself about about those magical first times or whatever? Right, so hold on, So because nobody said it yet, So I want to bring it up sex. I was just about to So sex and toys are us because there's yeah, there's uh, there's jumping off bridge, there's these kinds of things. But what about sex and intimacy? Because when I when when we talked about doing a show about intimacy, my first thought process. Honestly, I went

home and I started thinking about what is intimacy. The first thing that came to mind for me was sex, and I started thinking about what sex is, but how is intimacy present insects? And then my wife came home and I asked my wife. I was like, baby, we're gonna do this discussion on the podcast about what is intimacy and what do you think intimacy is? And she goes, well, let me ask you what do you think intimacy is? And I was like, oh my god, I thought of it.

And I was like, I my first thought process when I said what is intimacy? I thought that I thought of sex, and that when my partner, when my wife, when her needs during sex during intercourse are as important as mine, that's intimacy. That's what came to my brain, which is why I'm so glad my wife is here because she is a way better explanation of what intimacy is, which we'll get to in a second. But my first thought of when I thought of intimacy was sex. Does

anybody else not feel that way? Like it sounds like you guys think of connection. I think it's both to be honest, and I'm not trying to just paint a nice picture here, but it there's definitely the connection side of it. There's going out to dinner, there's going on romantic walks or whatever that is whenever there is time

for that. But recently, we last year and then this summer, my kids have been going to camp up in Seattle, and so for four weeks, I mean, that's a long time to then reconnect a it's a long time because you're reconnecting, you're kind of like, wait, how do we do this again? Right? How do we reconnect again? And then it's like, okay, in my mind, it's how many

times do we have? Like I played this game where they're the very first day we dropped the kids off, we got back to the hotel, like, how many times are we going to have sex today? You know, like today, like I'm going to keep score, we have how many was it? And if it was more than four, have the name of the camp. This is the best part. So the first day it was too and so I'm like, I'm going to keep track like a baseball you know,

like my batting at what's my batting average here? And this is gonna sound bad, but like I was four for twenty four it was horrible. I was. I was four for four of the first three days, and then afterwards it was like, Okay, that's sorry. That's where baseball there's a sacrifice of chicken something like that. I like to try something after um. But yeah, I do think

sex is a definite part of it. And and like you're saying, I think during sex that's that's another very key aspect to it of while you're having sex, that is the almost intimate time, not saying it's it's just intimate defines intimate see itself. Well, I keep asking what comes first to you men, intimacy or sex ahead. I think sex comes first because if you're talking intimacy the way we've been describing it, then you're talking about love

and a deep relationship. So you're not going to constantly have That's why people say, oh they're one person fee as there a soul mate. But you're not going to constantly have deep intimacy with with people every time you meet them. So the chances are you're going to have sex and sexual relations or physical stuff first before you find that person where that intimacy is the deepest so Amy's shaking her head, She's like wanting to probably punch you. I think for women, you want to have sex with

someone you're intimate with. So here's my take on it. I think initially, so when you meet somebody new, I think initially there's an attraction. You see somebody in your you're physically. This is how it works for me. I'm physically attracted to them, and I'm also mentally attracted to them. There's something about them that stimulates me mentally. So there's

that attraction. Then sex comes. And then as you figure this person out and and be around this, surround yourself with this person to explore this person more, then you start to develop. For me, I start to develop intimacy, more trust, We have deeper conversations, and really start to explore one another as a person. That's how it works for me. Doesn't mean it's right, they're wrong, but that's how it works for me. Uh. For me, Um, it was more when I was a kid, it was more

just like, wow, that looks nice. I want that now, right, And then you know, as you became more of an adult, you were it was less about what your eyes saw and more what you saw in their eyes right, and then we need we need some sort of like golden like thing like like that was so well put by

thanks man. So like you know when you're when you're like to meet, you give me some lines and and so you know when you're when you're having that that whatever that conversation maybe or whatever, that interaction maybe with somebody, doesn't matter where it is, it could be in public

or not. You're not really looking at their you're not looking at them, you're seeing what's going on inside them, right and um, and an essence that that triggers sexuality part, the intimacy intimacy part, because you're you're looking for something that is so far, so far beyond what the physical is that that the sexuality can't can't even possibly match

what that connection is, you know what I mean. And so and so if if you're if you're making love with somebody just for their body, then you're not actually you're not actually making love, you know what I mean. So, so the connection has to be so deep and and and so severe that that it's it's like sex without even touching them. Very well said okay, so on that point, what do you have me? Just before we go to break. You can be intimate with someone that you're not having

sex with. Women can be intimate with each other in a non sexual way. Correct. Okay, So I love this discussion, and we're lucky my wife is here, she's standing by. My wife is here, and so we're gonna get her take on what intimacy is right after this break. This is how men think. And I'm Brooks like, and we have Ryan back in with us now, Ryan joins us. Good to have you, buddy. And then also we have

an esteemed very special guest today, Yes we have. She is a dancer, an actress, a singer, songwriter, an entrepreneur, businesswoman. Can you continue? And she is the love of my life. My beautiful wife, Julianne Houff is here to really give us, to really give us the definition of intimacy, no pressure. Yeah, well, thank you. This needs a world to me that you're on. I appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much. Of course. Well, it's nice to be in the room where you've been

coming and hanging out with all these dudes. I love it. You need it. By the way, you know, since we've been married, he's just been surrounded by women. Oh yeah, he used to be in a locker room with all dudes, and now I can't escape women. So this is my life when I was single, surrounded by dudes, My entire life. Locker room. Will help you if we wore jerseys at

the show. All of a sudden I got married, got married, and all of a sudden there was women all around our house, and I was one dude and ten girls around. So it didn't work that that. However that worked out, was backwards. But that's why this topic is intimacy, Yeah, very much so. The other night when I asked you, I asked my wife, um, what is intimacy? And then she turned it back on me and she asked me.

My description, which I mentioned to everybody else in my first thought process, was sex and about making the other person's needs as important as mine. And then I asked her because I look up to you for so many things in our relationship and learned so much of the stuff that makes me appear smart on this show from you.

Thank you for that. But I learned so much from you in our relationship, and you the way you described intimacy was so beautiful that I immediately asked you would you come on the show and share that because everybody needs to hear it. And I text Amy. You said, yes. I text Amy said, Julianne has to come on the show to explain intimacy. But the way you explained it, I was able to receive, and it wasn't. It wasn't a woman telling a man. This is what intimacy is

supposed to be. Can you please just rephrase what you said the other night to me in the kitchen, I said, Um, when I think of the word intimacy, I have to stand up because I have to get connected you to my female rootedness. I'm so nervous right now. No, don't, no, please, don't be Honestly, when I think of the word intimacy, I told you, I think it's one of the most sacred things that you can have between um, between a partnership.

I think it's what separates friendship and lovers. And I think that most people do think about sex when they think of intimacy. But when I think of intimacy, I think of presence. I think of absolute, complete, a nutter connection when we are two people connecting and then we actually become like one person. And I think that that's what really differentiates you know, friendships. Um. You were even saying earlier Amy about you can have intimacy with your friendships. Um,

and that's beautiful. But there's something that's really special that happens when two lovers come together and there's an intimate connection and you're not having sex, But then when you can actually combine the two, it's it's magic. And that's where I think in a lot of relationships, I think we missed that. I think we're on the phone a lot, and that five minutes that I come home and I'm on my phone and I don't give you presents or you don't give me presents, it sets the tone for

the rest of the evening. And so I think, like the most sacred thing that we can have is intimacy, and I think just figuring out what that meaning is to you, And I think everybody's definition of intimacy is different, and it's just figuring out what it means to you. And I think searching for that and actually being curious what intimacy means to you because it's going to be different. I think when we first started speaking, your you immediately went to sex, and that might be the way that

you experience intimacy. For me, I experience it by eye contact and presence and almost silence. So I think we're all bio individual people. I think we have to figure out what it means exactly to us. And when you have a partner that is willing to learn what is best for you and your needs, um, I think that's that's when intimacy comes in. So, which by the way, is basically what I said, except I didn't stand up.

That's probably yeah. So on that very well said law on a command exception, on that point, you are exceptional at coming in the house and coming give me a great big kiss, and we connect right away. Our dogs are at our feet barking, and but we connect right away. And then you are also amazing in our relationship at ensuring that intimacy stays present, at communicating from your standpoint,

that's when you have courage and bravery. And I think some of our listeners might want intimacy but can't voice it, or don't think they can bring it up with their partner, or don't know how. And I think that's the hardest part. Is just like a lot of people just don't know

even what they want. And so I found my curiosity has saved my life, I think, um and honestly saved our relationship many times because we've we've been curious about, like, hey, something doesn't feel right, like, instead of just accepting it for how it is, let's let's look into something. And so what did I do? I like, came home one day and I was like, Babe, I saw this website. It's called Jaya, and they have these intimate erotic blueprints and we need to do our test to see what

our test is and how we're compatible. And so to me, of course at the beginning, it was like what, I don't know what I want to do. I'm a shape shifter. I'm like, great, I don't know what is that? Yeah, I'm shape shifterw Um, Okay, well we could all take it if you like. So so Jaya So she she is a sex therapist, and her and her partner have been together for a really long time, and and being a sex therapist, that's a lot of pressure to have

like a total connection with your partner. And I mean, she she'll be able to tell the story way better. But um, she basically her and her partner were not doing well after about ten eleven years, and so she was like, oh my goodness, what do we do? So she ended up figuring out this whole test, in this whole method. So when we took the test, I realized that there were certain things that gave me connection and intimacy that were different than what gave Brooks connection and intimacy.

And so by almost learning each other's language sort of like love languages. You guys have heard of that before? It was it was it was almost like a menu of how we could please each other sexually but also intimately, how I describe intimacy. You haven't just perked up when you said like a sexual menu. He was like, huh, the menu part that got me excited? Feeding us right, everything is about feeding our souls, reading our needs, all

of it. So did you the next time after you took that test, did you have in your head when you were intimate the first time after a checklist of source that you're saying like, Okay, Julian's number one thing is X, got to do that first, then I'm gonna segue into number two. Moved down the list though, But what what happens is you do get educated. So I think a lot of times whether it's in a even just in a relationship, in intimacy, or in sex. You give what you want, so you give the way that

you want it. So if acts of service are really important to you, you'll give acts of service because you think somebody wants it. But I'm physical touch, so I want you to pick me up and throw me on the couch. That's what I want. We got, we got, But seriously though, that was my form of affection and we had to work on that. So that's all it does, is it? It It allows me to understand my wife

more and what's important to her. Otherwise I'm going to try and keep giving the way I think that I'm supposed to her, maybe what she wants, but I don't understand really what she wants. And if some people are having a tough time bringing this up in their relationship, just use the use this test as a vehicle or a vessel to bring it up to open up this discussion. But no, I don't end up going with the checklist.

But all of a sudden, I have these things in my mind that Okay, if I do this, or if I do this with my wife, she's going to respond amazingly and that's going to make me feel better and make our connection feel better. So but it goes both ways, and she's been very receptive to my the things that make me feel intimate or connected as well. I want the time to connect with whoever the person is that I want to be intimate with, even if it's not about sex, it's it's that connection. So how do you

guys make that time to connect? Well? First of all, while you were saying that, the first thing that popped into my head was what does time even mean to you? How much time do you think you need? Or is it really about being seen? Yes? And I, oh, but I think that yeah. And I think as a woman, I think our our biggest, our biggest thing is people talk about connection, but excuse my French, but what does connection even mean? And it's like, as a woman, we

just want to be seen. And so we go to dinner a lot of the time, and dinner for dinner for Brooks is great because he's getting fed, he's got you know, me there whatever it might be. But for me, dinner to me means I want eye contact. And I would really appreciate you maybe touching my hand at some point and we could sit probably for five minutes and just stare at each other, and honestly, it's uncomfortable for a minute, but that presence is actually the thing I

think you're craving. Is um lifting a dumbbell with his other hand. I think you would if you could, like if I allowed it up now. But I think I think that's what Honestly, if if women are listening to this right now, connection is the word that we go to, but I think really it's that we just we want to be seen, we want we want to take down our guard we want to let down our barriers. We want to be naked for those of you because obviously

we're there's no cameras. For those of you who didn't see, Juliette said something quite beautiful and and and touching and um for those of you couldn't see, both Amy and Ryan started crying, still looking for a menu. I was actually busy Uber eats just now. But I'm curious by the way as a woman, and I obviously know my husband really well and I'm still learning about him every day, But what what makes you guys feel intimate and silence?

I mean, I yeah, I think it's that same thing of connecting and and being when you walk into the house, whether you have three kids or twelve kids, or you're gone all day or whatever, it's it's putting down that phone or it's having the phone in your pocket, but but connecting, Hey, how honey, how are you today? Or

how is your day? How's work or whatever? And and being able to and I've been married for fifteen years, it's it's being able to for me to like open up to that person, you know, and if they're making dinner and if they've got their phone in their hand

and they're returning a work email or whatever. But it's it's that listening point of the day, you know, whether it has to be completely silent and you're sitting on the couch staring at at somebody in my shoes, that's not what that That is not where life is at all. It doesn't mean that's about what I need. But um, it's about having that connection, being able to open up

about that, you know. Like when I got home from from uh the show why you know, we talked to each other and it was she was like, you know, I'm just so happy that you're doing this, you know, and it's something different for you and and I like, to me, I honestly haven't had those kind and to me, that was an intimate conversation, you know, and it was like, Wow, I'm really, I'm actually she's spending a time to like compliment me on something that. Yeah, it acknowledgement. It's acknowledgement,

you're right, and you know, and I was. I took it in and I wasn't like, oh, don't worry about it now. We got we went out and had beers after, you know, it was I was like, you know what, thank you, Like I really appreciate that, like I needed that, you know, or or whatever that was. And to me, that's what that intimacy or that connection is so beautifully, so beautiful love that I'll say, I do agree with that. And I'm gonna share a story which I probably never

told anyone, but maybe a couple of years ago. I was on a I was away for a week for work and when I came home, I came home in the middle of the day and the kids were in school and my wife was there and I walked in and I was like, and you know, it had been a full week. Basically I was out of the state and I came home and I was like hey, and she's like, hey, I'm in here. And I walked in the other room and she was basically sitting at the computer.

And it's not a big deal, but all of a sudden, for some reason, I was I felt somewhat devastated, like I didn't get up from the computer, didn't come in and give me a hug. It was like I had

been gone for an hour. And I thought, and I didn't blame her for that, but I thought to myself, I gotta change this, like this is this is probably there's definitely stuff that I can do in this that can I can be more attentive, I can be a better partner in this relationship where it's like and there was nothing seriously wrong, but that moment just kind of spooked me for a minute where I was like, that's not what I want and that's and I know that's not what she wants, So I have to make sure

that this doesn't go in that direction. So I've made a conscious effort to be better about stuff like that. And I do try and give we do try. And you know, I'm Greek, so I think and I'm a very you know, I'm you know I come from Thank you very much, special menus for you. So my I come from a family of like you know, you hug when you leave the house, you hug when you come home, and so that's where I come from. And it's like,

so I've been. I made it a conscious effort after that to try and make sure that that doesn't disappear. That's awesome, right, you know, Julian, you spoke a little bit to it in terms of being present, and you know we've all kind of touched upon it. But when I get home now more than ever, it is so easy for us to get home having not seen each other for an entire day, and to feel compelled to pick up your phone and to look at your email

or to be on Instagram. And I genuinely get home and I look forward to being able to sit down with my wife, and we have an hour before we put our son down, but I can catch up with her and talk about our day and talk about anything without TV, without music, without our phones out, and not feel bored whatsoever. And really genuinely look forward to getting homing, to having that very all an honest conversation just about our day. And I have plenty of friends who are

baffled by that and think it's like, it's bizarre. We've been married for five years, we've been we've known each other for ten that we could have enough to talk about for that long and to not want to go do things with other people. But I'm like, we'll go out to dinner just together, and we'd rather do that, quite honestly, then go with a big group because we

have enough to talk about to night. I have always valued that in my wife, and it's partly why I wanted to marry her is that she always we always have something to talk about. It's always interesting, there's never a dull moment, and that to me, you know, is more important than anything I think. GeV, how about you, buddy, I'm a single guy. Um the uh. As far as these types of things go, I think all of its valid.

I'm learning from everybody in the room. UM. I think finding somebody who you who you have enough in common with, maybe more in common with them, then you can find in most people, and at the same time is balancing out with being able to challenge you as well. It's a hard scene to find, um, because you want to

be in so much agreement at all times. But also you want someone who is is also challenging you, not not necessarily in an adversarial way, but someone who is saying, you know, maybe you should try this, maybe you should try that, maybe should cut your hair shorter, and uh type thing. Sorry inside jokes, guys, UM, but you know, these are the types of things you kind of look for, Uh, someone who is who is encouraging you but challenging you to be at your very at your very best. Uh.

These are the types of things. I don't know if it's the same for all people or all men or whatever, but I like when people sort of challenge me to uh be better at something whatever that might might be. UM. And so I don't really I don't respond well to complacency. I respond much better to challenges. UM. And I need goals otherwise I, you know, I'll just kind of go into my own personal the cave in my mind. Do you know what I'm saying? Um? But I also need encouragement.

I need I need to hear those you're doing a great job, but like what you did? What have you considered doing this other thing? And those are those are the ways I find connections. Connections with people. I have an ego like everybody else, and it needs to be fed,

but it also needs to be challenged. That's a good point, Kevin, and I think to kind of counteract that, I also feel like intimacy is somebody that's accepting of who you are, you know, like just because you didn't get that job, or you didn't become the best whatever person in the world or whatever there that person, and it goes both ways. Obviously accepting of who you are, you know, and that's

I think the most important thing. I have thousand percent agree with you because I would say Brooks and I are really different people. We have the same values and you know, end goal of where we want our lives to be, but how we get there is very different. And when you know, I can have chemistry with a wall,

like that's just honestly, that's just that's just me. Like I am a very external person, I am kinesthetic, I have great energy, like I am a fluid person, Like I'm attracted to all like that is just my nature.

And so for me, kind of what you were saying before, Gavin, is that like I can have chemistry and connection, but my intimacy is with Brooks because he challenges me and he sees me for exactly who I am and accepts me for the fact that I can have chemistry and connection with a lot of people, but I choose him every day, and I think that is also really sacred, and that's why we have an intimate relationship, and I don't have that kind of intimacy with a lot of

connections that I make throughout my life. Beautiful, We're gonna take a break. We'll get more to this right after the break. We've talked a lot about creating intimacy and how to keep it in your relationship, but let's talk about some things that maybe stifle intimacy. So as much as creating it is important, I think doing not doing

things that prevent intimacy is equally as important. So in our relationship, love, please share some of the things that I have done, or maybe that men do to stifle intimacy from a woman's standpoint, where we might not even be aware that we're doing it, but it might mean the world to you, guys, or it might really offend you guys. Or what is something in our relationship that

I've done that has stifled intimacy? Mm hmm. Interesting? Question. Um, Honestly, I think it goes back to what you guys were saying earlier about acknowledgement and you know, sometimes finishing dinner and going and sitting on the couch and putting the laptop on the lap and putting a show on and multiple distractions. I think is is good. We need balance obviously, but that definitely stifles you know, feeling intimate and connected. Um, definitely doesn't make me want to be like, hey, let

me go put something sexy on. You know, for sure I'm like, oh where my sweatpants? Let me get cozy? Yea. But but I think I think something that makes me feel super attracted and makes me then connect to myself because I think that's the biggest thing is it's not so much what you're doing, it's more how it's making me react. So whatever you're doing makes me then be like, Okay, well I don't feel sexy, or I'm now wanting to get cozy, or I'm now feeling unseen so I don't

want to look at you. Does that make sense? So yeah, so I think so I think it's more in um, how it's making me feel. And so you know, if if I feel that you you're super engaged in in me. Then I'm like, oh, I'm about to drop in into my female power and like give give you what I want to give you. And yeah, so I'm going around with circles. Can touch one thing? Yeah, you tell me what one thing I do, because I know certain things

that I do that don't turn you on. Yeah, there's there's one like one thing that um because we've we've said that the bedroom is a no cell phone zone. And sometimes if you come to bed and then I and you're like, you're like, okay, once I and you're like sending an email or you're checking on Instagram or something, and you're like and then sometimes you said okay, I'm done, and you plug in your phone and then you roll over to me. I'm like, okay, well I just waited

for my wife. I'm second in line to her phone or what she's sending. And this is at nine ten o'clock at night like this, so even at this time, that's more priority than me. And and I really take that deeply, like that's a deep cut for me. And we've worked on that and I've voiced that, and nobody's perfect. I'll sometimes come to my bed and be on my phone too. And I'm sure there's many other things that you didn't say that I'll do, But for me, I

think phones and devices get in a way. That's one way that I do not feel seen for sure, and also are really good at making me realize that that's important to you, it's so important in our relationship, that's so important to me. That's to me, like, that's one of if you're coming into bed, which for me is a sacred place, um, and I have to wait in line for your attention. That to me just shuts all syss down. I'm like, can I go to sleep as fast as possible? I'm onto the next day already, is

really what it feels to me. Is it possible she was liking one of your Instagram videos? Probably not, because sometimes I skip over. Is there anything like that that I do that like that one for me is really severe, guys, honestly, Like, yeah, And I'm sure a lot of other couples will get to bed. I've even thought about like plugging my phone in the bathroom so that it's not I can't even have my phone in the bedroom, And I know people

out there do that. They don't allow their phone in the bedroom, and I think over time this can become a serious issue, and it can drive a wedge between people, and then there really is no intimacy or sex and it's like check in to go to bed, like okay, go bad, let's go you know anybody else. No, I was just gonna add to that. I think the phone

thing is a big deal. I I do though. My wife does real estate and so her hours of work are obviously the daytime, but a lot of times when people are at home, you know, when when people are emailing her or texting her clients for say or other it's a deal going down or whatnot, like that happens after five pm, you know, even until ten o'clock, eleven o'clock, you know, And so it is a very challenging thing.

What I was going to add to that was, we just got an email from a listener named Gavin DeGraw. I was asking about what is intimacy. But one more last thing I wanted to add was that something I do a lot, but I think could be a negative side to carrying the intimacy is carrying the load, you know, or not carrying the load. Like there are days where I come home and I'm like, I just popped myself on the couch and I'm like, forget this, I'm going

to watch the basketball game or whatever. And I'll I'm not doing it on purpose, but I'm I'm not doing I'm not getting the dinner a ready, I'm not getting the kids cleaned. I'm not you know, engaging in in her. And that has happened the opposite way, But that's a huge turn off. Do you ever do you ever say that when you come home and you're like, hey, today has been a day. I am really sorry, but I have to sit on the couch. I can't make dinner tonight.

I'm really like, I would love to lean on you to do this tonight, and I promise you like I got you next time, because I think like that if you you've done that to me many times. Books has done that to me many times. And I'm like, oh wow, that was important for him to tell me that, and it made me feel seen because at least he acknowledged that she can't help me, and you've done it to me to know that now I can almost see it.

When you walk in the door, I'm like, okay, I get your bottle, Get you get the girls on you like when you have children and they are doing multiple things at multiple times year around. You know. That is where it's like we are, like I said earlier, we're at different ends on the weekends in different cities doing baseball, soccer,

whatever that may be. And it's kind of like we'll circle back at home and I'll be like, wait, did you not get a chance to go to the store today, you know, or like she'll be like, wait, you didn't pick up the dry cleaning? You know, Like that's it's it's so hectic and crazy that it is a very hard time. And I think to my point was like you know, balancing that load or not doing that and and and to me maybe that is an intimate thing. It was where you're both carrying each other down that path,

and I think that's important in any relationship life. Dmitri was telling me where to go on the way over here, give me directions. That helped our relationship a lot. I feel a lot closer to you to right. So what else, like love, what else can guys do from a woman's standpoint to make the woman feel seen to to bridge that connection of intimacy? What can we do that's maybe not twelve roses. Um, I'm sure that helps, But what little things can we do on a daily basis to interests?

I think, you know, like we don't have all the same interests, and sometimes it's okay to have our separate things, but sometimes I'm like, oh, you know, you don't really know my life because and I don't really know your life because we have separate interests. I think something that would be really helpful is finding something that you that you want to learn about each other. So like I I should probably come and do some CrossFit just you know what I'm saying, Just because I feel like I've

done a couple. But I think it's more because I want to relate to him. I wanna, you know, I want to when he does talk to me about his CrossFit, I'm not like, oh my gosh, I can't hear another one of those am wraps or whatever it's called. You know what I'm saying, Like, I want to engage and in his interests. So so I think if there is something that you don't know anything about their life, maybe like be curious and like try to try to engage

in what they like. And for you, I've asked you to come and do like soul cycle with me or or core power yoga, or come to the spot. You've never been a spot person, but you're like, okay, it's import into her. I'll do it, you know, And and that way, at least we can have a conversation that I feel self expressed and I can get excited and I can talk, and then he's there and he's like engaged and not like what in the hell is she talking? But honestly, for guys, that was hard for me. At

the start of our relationship. I was a sports dude coming into like an arts type lifestyle, and so she wanted to do these certain things and I'm like, no, like no, I have no INSes, and I was I was pretty blunt. I was like no, I just answered selfishly, I don't want to do that, And but it didn't register like this is and this is what Like somebody that's freshly in a in a new relationship or something

not in one, you're gonna learn your partners. You go what matters to her needs to matter to you or what matters to him, and you learn this and and then eventually it does when I see her excitement you're you're busting to say something. What is it? Well, we always have this fight. So we do have a fight that we have gotten better, we've gotten but it would be a lot of the times I would be like, hey, babe, so there's this party. Do you want to go? No? No, no,

hold on you state something. You're like, there's a party Friday night. And I'm like, great, that's it, and that's it. Like I don't know if she's asking me to go. I don't know if she wants to go, because she's not. There's a party friday night. This this is going on, like we should go? This would be so awesome. Can we go? Do you want to go with me? I'd love to. You're fired up about this. But so and sometimes I'll be like there's a party or hey, there's

a movie at four fifteen? What do you do with that? As a guy? Right, do you do with that? So what I've learned is that he's like, great, give me a clear answer. If it's something that you want, then of course I'll do with you. But you're not asking me anything. You're just expecting me to know. And so I'm like, well, yeah, you're my husband, you should know number one woman think you read is convinced like how

does he not know to do this? And I think that that is what makes us very different people, you know, and I think being ultra clear. So okay, I'm about to go off for a second. So talking about like male and female energy, which isn't every human gay, straight, whatever, it is, everybody has a male and a female energy. Male energy is like clear, direct to the point. Female is like open and unknown and curious and it kind

of just lives out in nowhere. So sometimes when we are so connected to our female, we don't have a lot of clarity because we're we're um, we're in all of it, and so there's like a knowing that we have that's like an intuition that we just know. There's like it's kind of this thing, whereas like guys are so in their mail that they are like, we need clarity,

clarity and direction. Just give me an answer. Well, that's interesting because supposedly there's a direct core direct opposite correlation there and that has to do the synapse in the brain and that women have naturally better intuition and men naturally have better sense of direction, and that's the trade off. So that's the that's actually what I was funny that you mentioned direction and you mentioned intuition. Yeah, so that's exactly that's been knowing. So so obviously in male and

female we want to be able to connect both. But I'm just saying when men are very in their mail, that is what they need, and so women, I think, sometimes have to be like, Okay, how is a man thinking? Right now? Let me be very clear? Can I ask something? Yeah? Please? My friend? Okay? So, um, so I've had this scenario before. Um, you don't ask me how my day went, but I did, And here's how I ask it, what's up? How could she get that wrong? I can't believe she missed the boat?

This is when you're from New York. What's up means how you doing? How is your day? See anybody we know? Today? Where we Georgie eat? How was lunch? To get dinner later? You know? We should do still that crazy next weekend? What's up me? So if you yeah, said what's up? Next time means how is your day? Next time you ask me what's up? Does that mean like hey do you wanna? Do you want to come? Hey? Man? You want on my record? Is that? Yeah? Man about how

about like we want to write a record together. It's very regional. I'm gonna go it's regional. So what if what if all of a sudden you come home and as a girl there and you're like, uh, what are you doing? And she's like, well, you said what's up? So I thought that man, I'd say what clearly not reading the nuances and how I said, yeah, man in New York, but it's upstates specifically, and you can't just

come over like that. Yeah, I can understand how she might not respond properly to you always say what's up? What is hard about saying how was your day? Like that's another communication as a whole another thing. What if it was hard about saying how was your day? Because it it's not what's up? And now I'm used to what's up? But you're used to what you're used to, she's used to what she's used to. If it's good each other, aren't they supposed to learn that what's up

means how is your day? I think you're going to figure it out as you kind together. But but it was like, you know, you're asking, you're asking what's up? That means it just means what it means where I'm from, that means kind of borrow twenty dollars we need to break. This is how men think, and we've just asked a lot about intimacy. So I want to give you, guys, the listeners, some clear, actionable things to create intimacy in your relationship. So we'll start with you Ryan, as a man,

what has your wife? Could be your partner, girlfriend, or whoever is listening, but what has your wife done to help intimacy in your relationship? She has. One of the things I really crave is initiation, that she initiate intimacy. The irony is that what she craves is that I initiate intimacy. So we're kind of at a standstill. But in the in the event that she does initiate, it is very appreciated. The other thing is my love language is compliments and gifts. I like gifts. It makes me

feel loved. She jokes about it, but seriously, if she gives me a gift, I feel like a snow globe or something. Snob that that's a big gift in our household. Yeah, if he gets a snow globe, it's on, let's do this awesome Dmitri, What about you with you? What what does your wife do that creates intimacy for you? Um, I agree with the compliment. I think a nice compliment. You look good. You know that was whatever? You know, Uh,

that was really funny. You know it could anything. You come back from a from a dinner with people and you're like, man, you were you were you know, you were on or you really took you know. Sometimes what I think, what I've pride myself on a lot is to be able to go in any situation. So she could take me to a work party where I know no one and she can leave me like it's I'll be fine. I'm not going to be the guy walking around annoying people. But she doesn't have to babysit me.

So stuff like that, you know, when she says, hey, you know, thanks, that was you did you know? You not? You did great? Like a like a teacher some but hey, I really appreciate what you know tonight that you came and you know you got along with everybody. Stuff like that. That that means a lot to me because I think that's tough to do, and I think that's something that that you know, it's it's important to do for the

person that that you love. And so when when there's an acknowledgement of hey, I know you did that for me, and I do appreciate. I think that's you know, that's was it tough to do because you don't like her friends.

I like the ones that are listening right now. Rick, what about you, buddy, Not to be on the same acknowledgement, you know, train but obviously acknowledgement, you know, and whether that's you know, engaging with that person in a conversation or you know, as cheesy as it sounds, you know, Like recently and literally in the last like five to six months even longer, my wife has made our house turn into something magical, Like, you know, there's flowers in

the places that I didn't even know you could stick a pencil, there's flowers, you know, and our next episode, but no, honestly, it's coming home and having those flowers, you know, it's it's there's there's life, there's presence, there's you know, in that to me makes it intimate, you know, and that is important to me, you know. For some reason, I like the countertops clean. I like having a learri

bouquat of flowers. I like having you know, for some reason, right, you're sensual, that's one of your primary um love languages, but erotic languages, sensuality. You're right. And the more I get older and I kind of, you know, learn more

about myself, you're dead on. So great answer, gav. If you're like meeting somebody, somebody you meet or go on a date with, Like, what's something that somebody can do to create intimacy that's going to attract you to them where you like you're pulled to them more than just a caretaker. That's what I like, you know. I mean, it's like I like the the for lack of better word, that the mom instincts thing to take care of. You know, I have natural I like to take care of somebody.

So you know, I like to provide. Let me get your nice things, let me protect you, let me let me get the door, you know, let me do all the things that you find risky for you, you know what I mean, those are the things I like to do. I'm very old school in that way, you know, um, and I look for I like a natural caretaker. That's what I'm attracted to. So any of those that may not sound like the you know, the most modern approach to things, but I think that's the sexiest thing in

the world. So you know that's my taste period. What what things about you? I want you to go, you want me to go first. So something that I love is when you come home, you come in the door and you give me a massive kiss. Because usually I'm at home, I've been training to working out or something, and you'll you're usually out and you'll come home and

you'll give me a massive kiss. I love that. That instantly connects me because we've both been doing our thing all day and separate from each other, and that instantly brings us together. And you're exceptional at that. So that's one of my favorite parts of the day. Uh, you know that. I absolutely love it. Anytime you feed me, I love it any it means. It means the world to me. When she either, like especially when you cook. My wife is an exceptional cook. She is a wizard

in the kitchen. She can find anything in the kitchen, in the pantry or the fridge and whip it together and it's a new taste every single time. As they say, the way to a man's hardest through a stomach and it's true, but for me, it's true she knows when or even just like even if she postmates me, lunch means the world to me. Um. The other thing is when you put lingerie on I am, I am fired up. I love it, Like who does it? But I love it. It means you're thinking of me and you put something

sexy on. It's like, look so beautiful and sexy and I'm just like, I crave you, like when you put lingerie on me. And then but then there's also another and I think you'll attest to this too. There's times where I know that you're really seeing me, and it could be just in the kitchen or something. You're looking at me differently, like right now where I see that you really see me, and I think the mean to me.

I also know that when that's happening that you're in an amazing place yourself personally, and our relationship is always the best. When you're in an amazing place or I'm an amazing a place. We're then able to give our best versions to each other, like at I heart like. Um, those are some of the ways that you really create intimacy and also you're so good at it that you

always drive that in our relationship. That's you have an engine to continue that and you always drive that, and it's the way I look up to you, and it's a reason why it's become more important to me and I strive to be a better man to create more of the ways you're about to tell me that I can create intimacy in our relationship. I think you guys gonna be intimate tonight. I hope tonight, because so what can I do? What do I do or what can

I do better in our relationship to create intimacy? Honestly, everything you just said was was intimate. It honestly felt like nobody else was in the room because we had total connection where eye contact right now. And even though there's people around here, I'm not embarrassed. I'm not vulnerable like I am vulnerable, but I'm not conscious because like all that matters is our connection right now. So I

think what you just did was intimacy. Um, just listening, I first of all, thank you guys for being so open and you know, talking and allowing me to come in here too as as a woman, and you know, give my two cents because I think, you know, just listening to you guys. The common thread that I heard from you guys is that you you want acknowledgement and appreciation for who you are, and not just for what you do, but for the effort that you put into

being the man that you are. And I think that as women or as a partner, I mean, it feels really good to be able to also give that. And then as a man, I think we obviously just want to be seen. And if you think it about both of those things, it's kind of what Brooks just said, is like when I'm in my best place and he is in his best place, we are so focused on each other because we're not needing anything for ourselves because we're filled up from our own self love or our

own desire to be seen. And so I think, if anybody's listening, obviously focusing on yourself to be the greatest version of yourself so that you can give freely to your partner and that is the most like connected intimate thing you can have because you're already full and you don't need anything. Um, So well, yeah, I can't wait to have sex with you. For people listening, where can

they find you? Because you share a lot of this kind of discussion and raise these kind of topics on your social So for people listening, where can they find you to learn more about this? My Instagram is at jules huff Um Twitter Julianne Huff my website Julianne huff I'm on. That's right. I have a lot of things,

um that I'm working on too. I'm I'm just so fascinated in self discovery and when you can really connect to your own truest form and your truest self, um, you you can connect with anybody and really give them I think presence and connection, and that's what I think our world really needs and will be more intimate with each other and less on our phones. So beautiful. We'll end there for you guys listening, Please let us know your thoughts. Send us an email at men at iHeart Radio.

You can find us on Instagram at um how men think Podcasts. Check us out there. I appreciate you coming in love, Thank you so much, thank you. I think if this podcast got anybody to get charged up and be intimate, let us know that too. Yeah, ye send us, take take care of one another, love one another. We'll see you back here next week. Hey, guys, it's Brooks and one last thing before you take off. We want to know your thoughts, feedback, insights, and questions for us

on this show. Send us an email at men at I heart radio dot com and follow along with us on Instagram at how Men Think podcast and we'll see you back right here next week for the next episode.