Are You Enough? with special guest host Derek Hough

like five. Rick is in Alaska, Gavin's on tour, and then Ryan's appendix just decided to explode. Ye. Well, what happened was he you know how he's competitive with you. He heard that you still had your appendix, so he took his out. It was I was actually going to text text him. I got another one up on you. I have an appendix you don't know, but I didn't think it was quite time. He's still on the hospital, man, so I'll maybe let that wait till he comes back

in studio. But it's just you and me today, buddy. We're rapping um. And so with the Leaner edition, we decided to bring in a very esteemed and special guest, very special, indeed, and one that you know quite well, one that I know very well. He is Let's see if you can guess this. He is a world champion dancer. Me uh not you okay okay, at the age of nineteen. A world champion dancer. He is a two time Emmy Award winner and nine time nomination nine nominations for an Emmy.

He is a six time Dancing with the Stars champion six freaking times, six times. He's also current judge on World of Dance on NBC. He's a he has his own tour, dance tour. He's also a celebrated author. I could go on for days about this guy. He's also my most favorite thing. My brother in law, Mr. Derek Huff is here. That's my best intro. I do you bring family? And he doesn't really do it. Notice, say, Dmitri, you didn't get that intro. I got spelled or whatever,

and then this resume comes flying down. Yeah. Man, No, I'm I'm happy to be here. Man, I'm happy to be here, and and it's uh yeah, I'm excited it. Let's get talking talking. I wanted, but I just wanted before we start. I want to say that this is because Derek has done all of that stuff. I don't want my brother in laws at home thinking like was it brother in law day? And you didn't strictly because

he's way better than you. Guys, how many brother in law to Okay, well, Derek has four, he's got four. Brooks your favorite. Yes, um, I mean we're very close. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. By the way, it's it's a common question to be asked like who's your favorite sister, who's your favorite this? And I'm like, I gotta I gotta be very uh very politically correct on that one. But I will say we have, we were very I'd say we're very close.

We spent a lot of time together. We have spent in the past a lot of time together, been living together until recently when you moved out. But very similar in age. You're the same age as my younger brother. It was two years younger than me. So we have hit it off as brothers, and our relationship has certainly

grown and expanded. And now it's which is which is kind of crazy because the thing is with Brooks and I, um, we are we were sort of polar opposites, um, you know, uh, just just in sort of the way we've lived their lives and just sort of our environments were so so different. Um, and so it was kind of it was interesting having him joined the family, and it was sort of like, oh, this is this is awesome. You know, this is great.

And I mean, how is it for you? How is it for you joining the family because you're here, Because here's the thing. Here's the thing. There's so many there's so much, so many women in my family, so many they are like the dominant force, you know. And uh and usually, to be honest with you, the the guys who you know joined the family kind of kind of go with the flow. They just kind of like okay, yeah yeah. And Brooks kind of you've got a locker room hockey guy who just comes back. He was like, Yo,

this is why I live my life. This is what I do. Boom uh No, we're not doing that. And I was like, yo, that's what he did to us too, Like what is this He's he's being defiant towards this, this sort of like this pack of seriously and I was like, yeah, respect, I like this, what is this? Okay? And then your sisters were like, Derek, be quiet. Yeah. But the first the first time I met all the sisters at once was at court a Lane. So we went to the your grandparents house boat hurricane. Oh my god.

It was four sisters and there was just one talking over the other, over the other, over the other. And I just looked at this. I was like, this is this is worse than a five on five hockey fight. Sometimes we have a line Sometimes we have a line brawl where all five guys fight all five guys. And there was more intensity in this conversation that I went,

It's it's pretty amazy. But the thing is, and especially if you're not used to it, because when you're you know, as I call it a beautiful hurricane, because they're all beautiful. They're all wonderful, um, you know, human beings. But it is different. And so Brooks coming in with the dynamic of like just kind of honestly like a man's man, you know, like a fish play hockey, you know, buh blah blah blah boom. Um. It was different. We were

just polar opposites. I feel like, you know, I had sort of been raised by women my whole life, Um, dancing with women, coached by women, like just surrounded by and it's been amazing. It's been incredible. But then to have that sort of um, that influence, that sort of uh, I don't know, example of just like a dude, UM, definitely has been super beneficial to me. Uh, to this whole sort of relationship that we've we've built and grown

and stuff. It's been awesome. I appreciate your brother and right back at you because I needed a lot of the lessons that I've learned through you and your sisters and being in the family, because coming from coming from I was my whole life. I spend in the locker room, so twenty three dudes, dudes, a lot of them alpha males. It was just the environment I was in. So I was actually I looked at you, and I was like, Damn, that guy's got the life. He spends his life around dancers,

around beautiful women. I spend my life around naked dudes all day long. You know, Like, why did I choose this path plus hockey plus the locker room? But it was it was I've learned so much from d and I think, um, we really balanced each other out a lot. I learned a lot about how to be in contact with how to even speak with women. Is there an example you would be willing to share. Well, our first the first time so we met and stuff through so

I through Julianne. We met, and then the first day that I went to his house to your old condo to hang out, like d and I are going to hang out just as dudes, one on one. UM, We're just chit chatting. And he I noticed he was like a little flustered, and I was like, what's up, dude? He's just like, is that a hard day? Had a hard more than just a bunch of stuff went wrong and I just had to like have a tear and get it out and stuff. And I was like it

just caught me by it. I was like, whoa, that's a beer or here, um, but I was like, I don't know what to do with out. I never hear that in a locker room, Like most guys would say the F word and stuff it and move on and whatever. That was the type of guy I was around. But here was a guy that that expressed his emotions, which was brand new to me. And I was a deer

in a headlight because I had never done it. And now if I look at my life now, that was a kickstarter for me to be able to now emotionally express myself. Um, but before that, I was I was cold blooded. I didn't make uncomfortable that he was willing to cry and express that. That was how he dealt with whatever was going on. Let's not's not say he cried here, but he's just like he had by a

sad clown. By the way, how by the way, how awesome though, how he's like trying to like he's like, hey man, he was he was still he was still okay.

But no, let's be honest, I was crying. I was like in fetal position like no, but um but no. It's interesting because it is I've even seen sort of like and it's something we kind of talk about a little bit too, like you know, what is okay and acceptable or or perceived to be acceptable from like sort of the traditional masculinity, right and and at least for me, I feel like I've been fortunate too, you know, express myself because I've been around women who you know, have

no problem doing that whatsoever. So it comes very natural to me. Um, And it is like letting off sort of pressure off you know, the gauge, you know, if something is holding I'm holding something in I can release it um. But it it is interesting seeing like I have seen sort of a massive sort of growth and change in that within you. But at least for me again, it was almost I was almost like too far on that spectrum, you know what I mean, I almost like

it was just almost too much. And so to be able to sort of have this sort of almost like structure you know of Brooks sort of in my life and you know, in my sort of environment and even living with him and having the routines that he has, it was like, oh man, this is I actually started feeling a little bit more like my not like true self, but kind of getting connected back to that like masculine Yeah,

that energy, right energy. So it's like, you know, because you both have you have both energies right, like the masculing feminine you know, and whatever it might be. But I was definitely like off balance, you know what I mean. I was a little off balance. I I wished too we both were right and sounds like you guys needed each other. We did, We did. It was something very much. So dude, I think I believe that anything in an extreme. It is an imbalance, and I was extremely unemotional to

the point where it affected my relationships. I was unable to emotionally connect with somebody. My whole life was about competition, about sensory deprivation, stuffing emotions, so that it was unfazed in competition, stuffing pain. So I was unfazed and can continue on um. But I don't think that's healthy and being cultured like that, undoubtedly it bleeds into to other

areas of your life. So maybe it serves you well in your sport, which it at some point did for me, but it also inhibited any sort of personal connection or relationship. And for the bulk of that ten years until I met Julianne Derrick's sister, I was I was basically single. I was unable to connect with somebody. You know, it's interesting, It just kind of brought this up a little bit. But like just because you we're talking about relationships and

you're talking about connecting. You know, it's interesting when I look back and I realized during my sort of like single years, I guess you could say I was on Dance with the Stars and I was teaching these women how to dance. I was connecting with them. I'm working with them, you know, all day, seven days a week for months at a time, and I get so connected with them it is like a relationship. So I felt like I was like satisfying the connection part with them.

But um, and so I don't I didn't feel like I could ever like fully connect to an actual like girlfriend or somebody like that on a deep or deeper level, you know what I mean. It was almost like it was like met through where with them, and then it was like I would go home and does this makes sense? I don't. I don't think it was. And it kind of reminded me a little bit because and at least for me, that the biggest change in my life has been being in a community relationship for a long period

of time. It's been a massive, you know change, and it's been wonderful. It's been incredible. I love it so much. And and it was something I was actually kind of fearful of at the beginning. Um, And I think that and I kind of used this as a sort of an example. But my buddy was saying, like, oh, I can't you know, I can't have a whole of relationship, you know, I'm always dating somebody new all the time,

and you can see he really wants something. And I was kind of reflecting back on my time one dance at the Stars where I was like I was almost having these bite size relationships. It was like bite size. Its almost like the appetizers small pretty much, you know, and we were never dating, but it was like it was still like a relationship, right, so probably you're probably getting something out of it to fulfillment absolutely. And it was only really when I was like I left the show.

Oh I was off like a year, like a year and a half something like that, and there's like the space. There's like this like gap, this you know, this hunger of like oh I need, I want. I crave like of the whole meal, like the the actual main course. And so I was telling my buddy, I said like, hey, man, try like stop having like these appetizers, you know what

I mean. You need to like just kind of stop for a while and just be on your own and just be with yourself for a while and get hungry and crave that like main course, that main relationship that you so much desired. At least for me, that's how it felt. Once I sort of created that space where I was just with myself for like a year year and a half. Then it was like I was ready for it, you know. Um, so it was like sort

of a an interesting thing. But you were talking about you know, connecting and and uh and at least for me again going back to the masculinity part, you know, balancing it out. Um, that's made such a huge difference, you know, for me in being able to be in a relationship with that you know, that polarity. So is it possible too, because you said you felt connected to each person that you were training, so it was like a mini relationship. Is it possible that even each season

would end? And so it was just so you just got used to whatever this relationship was. Not that I'm saying it was a physical relationship, but whatever it was. You're like, Okay, this ends and then I'll move on to another one. Yes, So in your mind you're like, this is what love is, or this is what that emotional connection with a woman is. That it just ends and then there's another one. Yeah. And by the way, always I was always like super down, Like the next day,

even if I won. I remember like winning, you know, and we're celebrating and like, yeah, we're on a private plane in New York. We do all the morning shows, and I'll almost every single time, you know, every time that that day, I felt super down. Everything seemed dark. I was like because I think, well, I think part of it too. It used to happen when I used to compete as well, where I would be like building up to like the biggest competition in the world. I'm

practicing and training and there's a goal. I'm like, boom boom, boom, boom boom, and then you compete, it all happens and then it's over. You're like, yeah, it's like, it's just it's an awful feeling, um, even when you won, even if you have one, because it's like that whole build up was like, you know, you were looking forward to something, you have this clarity that you're working towards something, and what's over You're like, oh now, what, like what do

I do? Like almost and it's just it only lasts for a little while. But that's how I felt every year after Dance from the Stars. And but like you said, too is I think also subconsciously I almost kind of you know, equated relationships to that they're just temporaries. Yeah, like it's gonna end. It's it's it's inevitable, it's going to end, um so I might as well just accept that and not, you know, step over the line and put two feet in. It was always like one ft

in and one ft out, you know. And also too, I was an emotional guy, so I didn't. I I was like, I don't ever want to feel heartbreak. Yes, I think every woman listening is relating to that part in that the fear of the breakup, the fear of what could go wrong, is so stabilitating that we have to prepare for it, and I think we sabotage because we're trying so hard to protect ourselves from that. How did you learn to switch that and not fear it? Well,

you know, you know you're trying. You're trying to not be fearful of sort of the inevitable, right in the sense that you're gonna get hurt. There's gonna be things that are gonna happen, you know, right, But like do you leave this, if you leave the if you leave the house, right, it's you don't know, it's uncertain right, It's it's the uncertainty you're gonna go drive, there's that there's a yellow line, you know, dividing you between oncoming traffic.

And so if you're gonna be fearful, you'll never leave the house. You just have to have faith essentially, like it's gonna be okay, It's gonna work out. But also to for me, the relationship part of it, the example of seeing like Brooks and Julianne the commitment, the commitment that they had firsthand on a day to day basis because I lived with them. UM was a great example to see something work and be successful as a relations ship,

to see things work out, to see things be worked through. UM. It was really beneficial for me to see that as an example. But also for me too is I started I sort of like there's a great expression that if you trade your expectations or appreciation, it changes because I always had this expectation of the perfect girl, the woman

I need to be with. This is what I want from a woman, this is what I want in a relationship, this is what I this is like, this is what I want right And the problem there's a good thing with that, because you know you have a vision, I suppose, but the problem with that is that you're probably not gonna get all those different things, but you can work with them. You can, you can, you can you know,

develop them. And so for me, when I traded my expectation for like, well, why well, she's not doing this and she's not texting me back and she's not doing this and if she only if she did this, then I would love her more. I feel like, I feel like, you know, she's not desiring me, and I feel like, you know, blah blah blah blah. So then it was like that moment of like, okay, how can I trade the expectation for appreciation right now? Okay, you know what?

And changed my focus. Okay, you know what, she actually does do a lot of things. You know what. Wow, you know I love it when she like touches my hand or she kisses me in a certain way or whatever it might be in. And then it's like those feelings of like focusing on what I don't have or what i's what we don't have. I started focusing on what we do have and building from that and keep building from that because I appreciated them more or for the things that they did give you and not looking

at what they didn't. And by the way. It's not like that was it. You know, it's all good, It's like I have to There's there's moments where those expectations come up, and then I realized that, like, oh, maybe I'm not giving something because if I'm giving, if I'm giving something to her, you know she's gonna want to do those things anyways. Naturally. You know what I mean.

It's it's not sort of like a well if you do this, then I'll do that, or even giving something to yourself, the peace or the faith to say, appreciate just where I'm at instead of expecting someone else to determine my happiness. I'd also like to just point out for those of you who just tuning in or whatever, this is what some people consider the perfect man, Derek Cuff having very human emotion. Oh my gosh, far from her. By the way, anybody anybody listening to that, can you

resonate with that? Because I'm listening to that, I certainly can. Um Like words of my Queen Oprah, I just said, for the better part of ten years from twenty to thirty, I was single in my professional career, and I developed some sort of expectation of what a girlfriend was going to be like, and I couldn't have been more wrong. I could not have been more wrong. And this just

developed over time. I thought a girlfriend was going to do this for me, and this for me, and this for me and this, and I never thought about, geez, what am I gonna do for this person? And what you said about the appreciation thing is dead on, man, because as soon as I became aware of that, UM, I've always said that everybody exit UM. People look for somebody to fix them. They look for what is this person going to do for me? Versus? How can I

become such an amazing person to offer to somebody? And so when I figured that out, then everything in me changed to appreciation, like you said, and also acceptance, like, wow, this person is amazing. I thought I was gonna get married and live back in Canada, spend my rest of my life in hockey, and I married an American girl who's a dancer that knew nothing about hockey, and now

I live in Los Angeles, like I can't imagine. And so we actually had this conversation with Gavin about like what does because he's single, like, what what does do? You have an expectation of what a partner is supposed to be. That's actually limiting you from being in a relationship instead of just looking at the person you meet is like, Wow, this person is amazing and anything else I can I can communicate if there's something else I want in this relation. But he's got a lot of

what you were saying as well. Remember if you remember, Gavin said he has to get himself right so that he feels like he can be the right person for for his partner or whatever. And I think we told them that. It was one of the earlier episodes. We told him, do you think any of our dad's thought, Okay, I'm looking at me, I'm perfect. Now now is the time to have kids? No, because there's never that moment where you think I'm perfect and I'm ready. So it's

a matter of developing along the way. And like you said, changing from expectation to appreciation absolutely, And I think too, you know um when I uh that goes also not just in a relationship too. I feel like that's like in general in general, it's just in life, you know. I think that we have SoC high expectations for anything. Like I was just joking around with my my brother in law, Michael he's married to one of my sisters, mayor Bathan cool if he talks about a different brother

in law. Yeah, I love Michael. Hey, I just want to make sure he's amazing. He's the dude. But he was like, man, I just lose it when the plane doesn't have WiFi, I just lose it. I can't believe it that that play We're Living two thousand nineteen, and I was like, bro, we're flying in a metal bird hundreds of miles an hour. It's a miracle. You're in the air where takes two hours to get to this

location that would have taken you three days. Like that's an example of And he's like, why can't I get a text from the ground from somebody on the phone in their pocket, which, by the way, I get it. That's how I feel sometimes when there's no TVs in there, right, I'm like, oh my gosh. But but the thing is, and in those moments you go, okay, hold on, my my sort of my perspective is a little off right now, My focus is a little off right now. This is

a miracle. I'm also the appreciation, Like I'm driving on roads I didn't have to pave. I'm reading books. I didn't write. I'm you know, we're living in this you know, amazing homes. I didn't have to do whatever it is. You know, we live in an amazing age and certain things that there's a lot to be appreciative of, including our relationships and also with my my family, you know, um or just in general. I hear parents, you know, kids, my my mom, she doesn't understand. Or my dad, you know,

he just doesn't understand. I just, oh gosh, I said, well hold on, I said, well, wow, what what were you expecting them to say to you to make you feel good? Well, they should just understand me. But you're expecting them to pause for a second, trade that for appreciation, for a second, focus on all things that they have

done for you. Okay, well, you know he has helped me out financially here or you know he did call me that one day, and and all of a sudden that focus changes, and then all of a sudden you're in You're in a space now to actually give love and to understand the situation. So powerful because expectation when I'm listening to you, and even when you said, like talking about winning Dancing with the Stars, and then feeling

kind of blue the next day. Expectation can be our undoing because I am applying it and if only he would text me every day, I'll be happy. But by the way, every relationship, I'm kid to check this out. So check this out. And you're not even in a big metal flying bird. This is on the ground if you're not getting so check this out right with g my my my um. I was on tour and I have, you know, a bunch of dancers, and one of my dancers she was crying and I was like, what's wrong?

You know, She goes, oh, my boyfriend. You know he's not He was out last night and he wasn't texting me back, and you know, and I was telling him like how upset I was and all these different things. And I said, okay, by the way, totally warranted. I understand, I get it. But I said, just I don't know. I'm just gonna say something you could work. I don't know.

Just me being a guy, I know that if I was told if I had my girlfriend and she said to me, you need to text me more, you need to do this, part of me would be like as like I'm like hold on, Like I kind of go. I kind of like, hold on, uh, what are you saying that I should do? And I should do this? And and I said try this, I said, say to him instead, even though you feel that way, to say, like, you know what, I love it when you I love that when you text me. I remember that time when

you text I love that so much. And as a man, I'm like, I am a man, I did something good. I will text you now and I would love you because I made you feel happy. I am mad. Yes, yes, yes, Instead of being like you need to do this, you need to that. Then as a dude, I'm like you or or just take a step back and think, Okay, this guy like he's texting when he wants to text. If he's not texting me more, he doesn't want to so accept the fact that this is who that guy is.

And maybe that's not that that's not the guy for you, but you need this and this is what he does. Because if someone said to me, I want you to text him more, then I'd be like, oh, I gotta start thinking of stuff to text, and then it's just gonna be more like when really when I text and I say what I want, what I'm thinking and what I want to say, and that's a little more genuine. So it's like, we don't you don't want it to be obligation. But I also will say this though too.

I will also say too that it's I also don't think it's since that they don't want to text. I know, for me, I just I'm just kind of oblivious. Sometimes I'm just like doing things. I'm like this, I'm like here, I'm having a great day. I'm like, hey, baby, you know she's like, you didn't text me today? Like I

was just living my life. I didn't a question for you, guys, because this is such a thing in so many relationships, like and I know it's bad in quotes to do, like if he would just text me every day, i'd be happy, because I won't be happy. I gotta get my own whatever you do, you want to be dependent on that question? Is is there a way to say it makes me so happy when you text me like you're saying, or is there a way for me to just not be so needy for those texts to like

fill me up so much? And I think I want the text for I think I don't know that the person I want the text oh Brooks, they're gonna make me cry. It's okay tonight, it's okay, you're coming the water works. It's okay, it's good. By the way, this is actually, this is actually my natural state. This is my natural state. Are you not going to start? I'm

feeling her. I feel it. I think you want the text to know that everything is okay, and then you're okay security so that you don't have to live an uncertainty. And so the uncertainty is the fear. Right. And then here's the thing that we live if we if we live in the split of certainty where we know everything, where everything's gonna, you know, be fine, and you know we we unfortunately, Um, it's painful because life is uncertain, right,

Situations are uncertain people are uncertain. Um. But I think that I think with this in this situation obviously, because if you feel tremendously that there was because I hate, I hate so much that I have to live like that where somebody else has so much control and I don't know how to find the certainty myself, and it happens over and over and over and over again. So I know it's me. It's not the so amy I

think you should. I don't. I don't know if I should give any advice on this or not, but like, you're an amazing person, like I would start with that, like you you don't need whoever this guy is to text you, or the next guy or the one before, Like I think it comes with being confident and really thoroughly happy and fulfilled with who you are as a person.

And expectation is the mother of all disappointment. That's what they say, right, So, if we're expecting somebody to make us whole, it could be a very long and very uncertain, as you said, d life. But you are I love you, like I've loved this project working on how men think because of you, because of Danielle Tory Easton, like I'm so at Dmitri, like I'm so by the way, check your phone, but like you're I think, And for anybody else listening that struggles with this, like I think, give

yourself a pad on the back. Um, you don't need somebody else to fill your cup up to make you happy, And maybe look at that first. How can you, in the course of your day make yourself completely happy, irrelevant of anybody around you or circumstances, around you, and you're such an amazing person. You give so much to so many people, and I don't know if you give yourself enough credit for that. I think what with Derek said is because you have this expectation, it's like you're like

a drug addict. So you're like, I need the drugs again, I need the drugs again, that you forget to even appreciate everything that and that everything is fine and you don't need that text or that call or whatever it is that we're seeking to be secure. It's it's accepting uncertainty and being okay with it. And it's like, um man, one of these years, I'll accept it because I've been working at it. But you know what part of that too?

And Tony Robbins talks about this a lot, where it's like, you know where focus goes, your energy flows, Wherever your focus is, what you're gonna feel no matter what it is. And by the way it is, you know somebody talking bad about you, You hear something says, oh, by the way, so and so it said something about you, Like what,

I can't believe that? And you're feeling all these expressions, all these feelings, and that's very real and then you realize, oh, they actually never said anything, but you experienced that very very real. That was real because you're focusing on something

that didn't even exist. So as a good example for this again going back to the focus on the appreciation part, not the expectation, because for instance, say like you not might not be getting something that you feel like you need right um, because at the end of the day, you don't don't really need it at really like if you look kind of stop for a second, take stock, and kind of like to sit here and go, hey, we're in a room right now, We've got a c on,

we're chilling here and just staying super super super present. Everything's fine, like in this exact moment, but what happened we're projecting about like, well, what's happening? Where, where is he at? Where she at? What's going on? Are they thinking about me? What's this? And so I'm so like out here that my all my focuses is out here and I'm feeling all this pain when in reality, I'm sitting here and there's absolutely nothing to be fearful or painful.

There should be nothing. We're chilling right here, right here. But when we start going here and projecting out in the future and what are they doing all these things? So whatever you focus on is what you feel to change change your focus, change change at all. I find you very soothing, see why I'm happy to have this, Guys of all huffs make me cry, but it's so true.

It's you get so focused on all this uncertainty and what does it mean and what's going on and the pain and the angst and this and that, that it's like nothing's even wrong, nothing's probably even wrong. And why does a text or call or someone else give us that fill us up when it's like chill out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, can go ahead? Can I just sorry? I just gotta have to paint a picture of everybody. There's nothing Amy is sitting here in study with a shirt that says,

I love love sobbing. There's nothing. There's nothing more heartwrenching than this right now, because I'm aware now that it's not the other person, because there's been a line of Brugs has heard me say this same thing for years and years, and it's not the same guy each time. So it's not the guy. It's me, right, you know. It's interesting to going back to the um, the being enough, being enough, feeling like you're enough. You know, that's by the way of fear that's universal, that's not just you

or me, and that is like the entire population. One of the deepest fears is am I enough? And that starts from being a kid, you know, I mean animas to get older, and then it gets deeper. That groove gets deeper and deeper, and that's kind of I feel like what that fear is is like am I enough? Am I enough? And checking? Am I enough? Am I not good enough? Am I good enough? To love? Am

I good? Am I enough? And the truth is And this is something that I kind of realized for me that helped me because for me growing up, I was didn't think I was ever enough ever. You know, I thought, oh, if I if I win, if I succeed, if I'm successful, then I'll be enough. And then I would win these competitions and I was like the world champion, and then they would finish and I was like, wow, I'm depressed. It's still not enough. It doesn't matter because it's not

really about what we sort of achieve. It's about who we become right as people as side of the main thing. But then it was that realization for me that if if I was alone in a field, if you're alone in a field by yourself, with nothing, no possessions, nothing, nothing, just you, that you are enough, You always have been, and you always will be, no matter what, no matter what,

you are already enough. And just knowing that and reminding yourself of that for me as if that's the foundation of where you can launch off and just conquer the world and do things instead of striving and chase seeing these small things to sort of, you know, validate, Am I enough? Yeah? Oh I am enough? Okay, cool for a moment, and then I go, oh, I'm I'm not enough enough? Oh I got text, I'm enough, I'm oh, I got this thing this I just want to I'm

enough enough. And then the fleeting because you're dependent on other things outside, you're out of your control to make you feel like you're enough. I love this, dude. I think this is a bigger conversation. I want to dive more into this man enough, woman, enough? What is enough to an individual? And I want to get more of your story, but we gotta take a break first. Inspiration that looks the talent you make me sick. That's enough

to me back from break. This is Brooks like on How Men Think, and we're in studio with Dmitri Amy and my brother in law Derek, and so far in the show, I think you guys have got a great taste of why I feel so fortunate to have this guy as my brother. I don't. I don't even like saying brother in law as my brother because of the the amazing and immense positive influence he's been on me.

But I want to get more into enough. And you talked a lot about it on your tour, the recent dance to her that you had at which I which was freaking awesome, like a rock star freaking show. We can get more into that later, but um, enough, as a man, as a woman in this world, how do you develop the ability to be or to feel like you are enough? So you said you would win. You won Dancing with the Stars six times. You would go

home that evening as celebrating the biggest possible high. And you told me you'd get to your house and the lights would be off and you'd get in and you would feel terrible. Absolutely. I mean often I would cry, honestly because I was like it just it just it was like as if it never happened. Right, it's just like you blinking, Like it doesn't even matter, Like does this even matter? What am I doing? Like what's what's

what's what's the meaning of all this? Like who? And then I got to a point where I was like who cares? Like there's no desire to even continue what I was doing. Um And even at a certain point where I actually was like I wanted to just stop doing the show completely because I lost the meaning um of you know, why why why am I doing this? Um? So I have a question for you. Yeah, so, I I believe and I'm guilty of this. I believe a lot of people and anybody listening may resonate with this.

We identify ourselves. Our sense of identity comes through what we do professionally. I was a professional hockey player, right, That's who I was. My sense of identity came through what I did as a career, and I needed to figure out that my sense of identity wasn't what I did, but who I am as a man. But how did that happen? Because it sounds like you went through the

same thing where your sense of identity came from. I'm I'm a world champion, dancer, I'm Dancing with the Stars champion, And then all of a sudden, when that's gone, you're left with a vacancy of well, who am I? Am I enough? So? How did you? How did you go through the process of one you became aware of it then too, what did you do? Are there books you

read or the things you listen to? But what did you do to grow to where it didn't matter what happened career or professional or anything else in life where you just felt like you were in a field by yourself and you were enough well, by the way, to add to that too, not just professionally, but also relationship wise. I had a lot of heartbreaks where you know, previous girlfriends where they they broke up with me and I was like, oh my gosh, I don't have enough money.

I don't have enough success. It was all like superficial things too, by the way. It wasn't like I'm not a good enough person. It was always like I just don't have enough money. I don't I don't have this like they want somebody that has boats and cars and houses and all these things, right, and I'm just I'm a loser. Well and actually it drove me two for a while. That's powerful, powerful motivator fuel. And I was like, well, crap, I gotta like to to get love. It was almost

like success equal love without equal then fulfillment and enough. No, no, I mean I thought it did. I thought it did. I thought that's success equal love. If I'm just successful, then I will be loved. If I'm just achieving something, then my even my family will love me, by the way my family loved me. But I would never even accept that love, and especially in a relationship. I was like, oh, I'm never gonna be good enough for relationship unless I'm successful.

And what I didn't realize was, you know, that sort of formula success equal love was a terrible formula, terrible formula formula that you know you're wearing, like I love love, like love is love, Like if I if I love, if I just love and I love myself, and I'm as as kind of like hippie dippies as sounds of course, you know, and but truly without the achievements, without the practical things and the trophies of the money or the house,

whatever it is. If I just like love who I am as a person, then man, I'm gonna attract so much more. And it's and it's so much different because it's ah, I don't know, it's just that's where you guys kind of messed up, is because you had this successful career and now you're like, does this define me? Or do I define myself? See? The secret is what I did don't be very good at anything, and that's way,

there's nothing to define you. Accept yourself. Like I'm freaking hard on this never great career, mediocre lover, I mean, this is it. So I'm like, I don't have a vote, but you know I can rent one probably by the way, don't buy a boat, which just random boat boats are just so okay. Well, I want to give our listeners some practical things to for anybody out there that's not feeling enough, because clearly you went and I watched this we live together, I watch you go through a massive transition,

which I'm so proud of you for the work. You guys don't know. This guy works on himself daily and I don't mean his career. I mean his his thoughts, his minds, his his process in life, his philosophy and life. He works on you digest more information than Almo anybody I've ever seen. You always have something motivational and you're always watching this or learning this, or we have great discussions at the house. You're super way deeper than and then I, I mean, it's a negative way way deeper

than I expected. Like you are very motivational and you started talking. I was like, oh, it's more than just more than fluff, more than Ryan Stones and keeps because he I see, I lived with him for almost four years. He digs into himself. And I give you credit for that. What are some what are some sources that you that you find really powerful that you could share with our listeners Where I read this and I watched this video or speakers that you really listen to. And that was

That's the thing too. By the way that I got to a point so where I was in such a honestly a really dark place that I just kind of reached sort of a threshold of you know, um, I must change. You're not like, oh, you know what I should change. I should do this, I should do that, I should work on myself. I should It was like no, no no, no, no, I must change. I must do this.

I'm must And it became more urgent. It became more of like a priority, and I would listen to I listen to things on the daily, you know, on the way here, I listened to the YouTube video, whether it be like Les Brown or you know, Tony Robbins. Um, I'm a huge fan of his. Obviously, I went to a seminar when it's fifteen years old actually and still the few little nuggets, um forgot most of it, but just a feudle things. But as an adult, UM, I'm so thankful for those, for those like you know, um,

little skills. Um. But that that's the thing too, going back to the focus. Whatever you focus on is what you feel. It's especially with this day and age where we're we're trained to to think we're not enough. On social media, everybody's having these amazing lives and doing this and doing that, and oh my gosh, and they have the perfect relationship and all these things are happening. I don't have that, and you're focused on what you don't

have instead of what you do have. And so I think it's really important too to consciously, you know, say oh I'm gonna watch something that's gonna be it's gonna fill me up. I'm gonna listen to something that's gonna fill me up, it's gonna put me in the play used to to create the right decisions and to make the right decisions and to be able to focus on the right things. Have you learned in all your like sort of study of this why our default is to go to the negative? Like why or or is that

just how I'm wired connection to somebody else? I think it's the way I think we just connect, Like imagine, like you know, you see, you see I've seen a lot at least you know, with my sisters or or people I'm dancing with. You know, somebody said walks in and goes like, oh man, I'm so tired. I might not be tired, but I'm like, oh yeah, man, me too, me too, because you're just like connecting you want to

connect to each other. Oh man, I'm just paying and you connect yourself a lot of that way too, with like sadness and all the different emotions. Why do I go to the like, oh, I think we're falling apart and he's going to leave me and this is bad when all I really could just be doing with the same evidence that I have is I think we're good like everything's good, we're happy, Like, why do it does my mind? I think it's a defense too, because if you're here, if you're already down here, the fall is

a lot less. If you're thinking everything's great, and then there's the same fall, it's in your mind. It's you've just crashed from this euphoric place. There's also I was reading this today. Um, there's a thing called loss a version. Have you ever heard a loss of version? So they actually I think that. I think the guy's names were Tversky and uh Kanaman, the guys that study don't quote me on that, but that's correct. Um Um. This is what it means is that the a negative emotion is

so much more powerful than a positive emotion. So essentially, losing a hundred bucks at gambling is way more to In fact, they say, twice as powerful as winning. You'll remember that loss, but you won't remember the hundred dollars that you want. And it even they even found that it happens. This loss of version happens in kids. So a child, when looking at a parent with a happy face, they feel happy. When looking at a parent with a sad face, they feel sad when looking at a parent

with a new, utral, feast face. They feel sad because they're like, how come, how come he's not happy? So that means like almost two thirds of our lives. Like, if we have an engagement, Amy, if we have we have a discussion, I don't leave you with a big smile on my face. You're probably thinking if I just leave you neutral, You're like, what's wrong? What's what's wrong with this guy's It's called loss of version. But also I think to add to that, I think, think about

our brains, right, think about our brains. There's sort of these press ancient things, right, they've been thousands of years whatever, but we're still run on the same software. And back then we had a look for danger. We had to look for the saber streets, target tiger or this and that, and we had to look for the right berries and we didn't poison ourselves. We had to be super visionally. It's a survival mode to look for all the bad,

dangerous things. We live in a day and age where we don't have to worry about saber street tigers jumping out and all these things. Our lives are pretty pretty easy in that sense, but our brains are still in the same software, So we're looking for the bad things. We're looking for the person saying something about us. We're not giving us this sort of validation. We're looking for all the bad and the negative, right because we run on the old software. So it's sort of that that

our brain isn't designed to make us happy. It's designed to make it survive, and it's designed to look for all the bad things. So we have to sort of get out of our heads and like into sort of like our bodies and our hearts. And it's funny actually, because Julian's working a lot on this like movement sort of thing, and you know, um, but keenergy energy. There's a plug energy dot com. You're welcome love energy on

Instagram exactly. But it's but it's interesting and then you realize that your brain is it's just in survival mode essentially and looking for all the wrong things and the bad things. And that's kind of what we go to, these these sort of defaults of like bad like what Dmitri said about the fall being lower if you're prepared for something bad. But what I want is to just go I'll just take the fall from the high dive and be happy. For as long as I can. What

are you happy? Are you thinking about the fall from the high dive? Like, are you up there thinking, hey, I'm happy? Are you thinking I'm happy? But at any moment it's all going to be taken from me. Well, I'd like to say, I want to not go to the dark place and know that I can survive the fall from the high dive. So just stay in the light, you know what I mean, And survived the fall from the high dive. You can, So it's not a question of can I. You can and you will whenever you

do fall. So I think think of it more um that way, in the sense of when I fall, I will survive, not can I? And not will it come? Yes, and you're going to have a fall from the high dive. No one stays on the high worrying and protecting myself so much from things that don't even exist. But also to is the timing of it too. I always find this interesting, to the timing of the way we allow ourselves to feel a certain way, And at least for me, I'm trying to work on that myself personally. You know,

where something happens to me, It just recently happened. Actually, I don't know if you've noticed what we at the lake. I was kind of in my head. I was in my head a little bit because there's been some issues at my house, you know, and crazy neighbor, and I just was telling in this place of honestly of like rage and compassion and confusion and all these things. I was like, what is happening? But what happens that it's too shortening that which I mean conscious be Okay, I'm

gonna feel this, honor those emotions. Okay, I feel this. This sucks pretty cool? All right? All right? Now the time to change and get out of this and go into my you know, go somewhere else with this instead of like and giving yourself sort of like a almost like an honor of the emotions. Don't ever stuff them, don't ever like ignore them, feel them even for me, Like I used to think anger was like a week a week emotion. I never wanted to be angry, and

I didn't like seeing people angry. I thought that they were like, like not good people. And I realized I was stuffing a lot of anger I had, and I actually worked on myself a lot. I did with this whole thing, and I actually released a lot of anger in a healthy way, in a good way, and whether it be like listening to certain music and whatever might be, but being angry, Yeah, listen was like that I don't normally listen to well no, but like I mean, like,

you know, so I have a question on that. So anxious or worried, like oh, he's not connecting with me. You say, yes, it's scary to be vulnerable, and it is scary, but acknowledge it and then say okay, and then now I'm gonna be appreciative of how lucky I am that I change of change the focus on or whatever it is. Yeah, and just change the focus and started to sort of focus on all the things. Like gratitude is sort of like the antidote to fear. Boom

very Well said, gratitode is the antidote to fear. You start immediately you start to feeling fearful of something, which, by the way, when we say we're stressed, we're fearful. When we're saying we're have anxiety, we're fearful of something, it's just fear right at the bottom line of it. So if you start getting grateful, that's the antidote. You go, you know what, Wow, what I have great friends. I'm I'm hanging out with these amazing dudes and these amazing

ladies and and wow, what suns out today? And I'm like, I put some songs, you know what. I'm I'm in a car, I'm driving somewhere, like the little things, and you start stacking this feeling of gratitude, and all of a sudden, like the fear starts to dissipate. And it's just and honestly, it's a technique. It's like practice. It's not just like a thought like Okay, cool, that's a

cool concept, and then like then that's it. It's like just like working out your physical muscle, you gotta work on your emotional muscle every day consistent, you know, every single day. I gotta work with my emotional muscle. I gotta practice. I gotta do these things. And that's what's really important. I feel. And I noticed when I start to slip, when I started, when my emotional muscles start to getting a little bit like at your fee like me right now, I'm hardly I can I can exactly

attest to what he's saying. So he nailed it, and a way to feel more confident or comfortable about yourself, and isis is to feel grateful for the opportunity. So great gratitude for the whatever opportunity, the opportunity to engage with somebody, all these little things you talked about, driving a car suns out, the opportunity to do this podcast. Whatever. Gratitude for the opportunity removes all kinds of self doubt and fear, uncertainty, expectation. Yeah, you just live. You're actually

a lot more present and a lot more composed. But I also want to get into what you said, Amy, what you talked about about the fall from the top. Will I survive that? Well, here's my story. From the time of thirteen until the age of thirty five, I pursued winning a Stanley Cup. That was my whole. Every decision, every single decision in the course of my day revolved around what was going to make me a better hockey player, training, diet, nutritions, sleep, everything.

From the age of thirteen to win a Stanley Cup. And I didn't win it. That's a to me, that's a massive failure. Like I look at that, like I almost look at my is Wow, that's my career might have been a huge failure. Even though I played in the NHL for thirteen years, I played three times longer than the average career. Um, so I'm left and I went through this you were with you're at the house there when I when I was done playing hockey, I went through a stage of like and I'm still going

through it. I'll be completely vulnerable and honest, I'm not completely at peace with it. But am I enough because of all of the twenty two years that I deem a failure, Like, oh not not a total failure. But when I my good days, I'm looking at, man, I lived the life, the greatest life I ever played hockey. I did at thirty five what I did when I was five? Like how great is that? Like I played a game my entire life. What a blessing? Those are my good days. I look at the opportunity that I had.

The bad days, I look at damn it, I didn't win a Stanley Cup. I want to I want to fight somebody, like you know, and I get piste off of the people that were in the game that might have had an involvement in me being traded and this and that, and I look at I aim stuff versus being grateful for every single day that I had to express myself through playing the sport that I loved. Get so angry, he wants to listen to bad music, but just tapping. That's what I think that will just be

forever that you'll have days where you feel that. Certainly, I think there's always going to be some part of me that will always feel that vacancy. Um. But I wanted to ask you this because you've had the successes and I didn't feel enough. What about somebody that's had a massive, not set back, but a massive loss or didn't have the success How do how do I feel

enough on the daily? Well, for me like listening to you say that, and it's it's actually interesting because to be completely honest, Brooks, I never really saw that vulnerable part in Brooks after he you know, stopped playing hockey um professionally, and it's it was actually been really interesting to me to hear you know what I mean? Did you hear you say and out loud? And for me it actually like okay to me with a lot. But it's interesting about that. I think it's because at a

young age, we we go okay, Derek. For me at least it's like you're gonna be you want to be a world champion. You know, this is what you're gonna do. And so we equate like that to being like the definition of who of of who I am and what successful and what success is. But what's interesting for me when I even just be on an outsider look looking in, you know, at your career for instance, you know I think of like, oh, you scored like a hat trick.

How many people have done that in their whole entire career? Not very many that percentage wise, that's unbelievable. Not only that you were beloved by you know, all the stories about you from fans from the city were like, wow, you know there was a time when Brooks, you know, they won this big game and he was a driving home in the rain and he pulled everywhere's partying and doing all these things. We lost that game. Okay, makes

a story better at all? Okay, he lost the game and people are people are you know that they're doing things it is raining, and he stops over the shoulder and helps us. Lady, I think she's pregnant right now. She had a little she had a daughter with her daughter. Helps change her tire always and like the city like

knew him as this great guy, great man. And by no means do I look at at least for me looking in and looking at sort of a piece of hardware, you know, that's the thing for me, Like when I go home and I look at because it's not about what you achieve, it's about who you become, who you

become as a man, as a person. And so when I would go home and I'm looking at these Emmy awards and I'm looking at the hardware right in this sort of lonely room, I'm by myself, and I'm like crying because I'm like, Wow, this sucks because I've achieved the ultimate and what I thought was the ultimate. Now what that's like? What it's like? Tony says, success without

fulfillment is the ultimate failure. So achieving achieving a professional success without any sort of happiness or fulfillment is the ultimate failing. And you see many people um that are millionaires, billionaires, very successful people. Uh some unfortunately commit suicide, Some have substance abuse problems or marriage problems. They don't live a fulfilled life because they're not balanced. Because also too, it's about me achieving this right, it's about me. It's about me,

It's about I need to do this. And then when I realized, I was like at that moment, I was like, man, I ain't gotta like I want to. I want to give a little bit more. I need to serve a little bit more. I need to make this less about me and more about we. And you know, for me personally, seeing you know, the growth and the sort of the development and and uh, at least personally for me, that has been the most rewarding, fulfilling aspect sort of my life.

And uh not this sort of the hardware and the trophies and most things to hear you guys talk about your careers and the fulfillment it brings. And I know if this is a woman thing versus a man thing, because I've achieved a lot in my career and it's great, and I've failed a lot in my career and it's great. Like it's very on a scale of one to ten, they both kind of have a right sort of close together.

But in my relationships there's so much more impactful and they mean so much more, and the losses are so hard and the good moments are such a high that I think it's so fascinating because it's like for me so great, Like yeah, it's it's not that I take it for granted or I don't appreciate it. It just hovers. The failures and the successes are real close together, and they all sort of ebb and flow, and it's all good. And I have absolute, total security and faith in it.

And I would love to be able to translate that peace two relationships. Whether I succeed or fail. That's awesome. I want to dig more into that right after this break. Okay, further in this conversation, let's get more into that, Aimy. How you mentioned that a loss in your in your professional career does not the emotional toll it takes on you is not even close to a loss or even

uncertainty in your in your personal life. So I think I don't know if it's a male or female thing, and I want to open this up to you guys to discuss that. But I think the what Derek and I are talking about, how the professional thing makes us not feel enough, I think it's the same emotion at the base of your emotion in the relationship, it's just yours. It's just a different forum yours relationship, ours is maybe career. But what do you guys think on this? And I

don't think it's necessarily male female. I think that it's just basically I think that in our just particular cases, we just were brought up competitive and that sort of environment where it was like winning equal you know, love for some people's competitive sort of environment. Yeah, what you guys do. Some people may grow up and think, you know, I want to have a family and I want to be a great dad, and that's that's where they put

their press so and that that's their ultimate goal. Men feel that because I find a lot of men determine so much based on their success in their career. I'll touch on this my and I've voiced that many times before. People that know me know me very well. My greatest destiny in life, the most important thing to me is to be a great man, a great husband, and a great father. That's that's my greatest if I could, that's

my greatest destiny. That's what's most important to me. At the root of it, at the root of the purpose of my life. That's what I want to be. I want to be an impactful man, husband and father, friend, family member, all of that too. But I want to be a very good man and I always have a concept of a better man than I am about six months out for me that I'm working towards that I want. And you do this a lot. Do you personally grow and challenge yourself and you have a partner that challenges

challenges you to grow as well. So that for me, even though I've been looked at a lot for my career as a professional athlete, UM, most important to me is family and Dmitri, I'm sure you can attest to this as well. Yeah, I've been married fifteen years and I have four kids, and all I ever wanted to be as a hockey player U now and and to me it's like, yeah, I didn't have that. For those of you that don't know, I'm not a professional athlete

and I don't have any mirrorball trophies or Emmy's. But um, growing up, it was like, yeah, I wanted to do certain things. But in the back of my mind, maybe it was from I have a very close family, and and maybe it was from seeing my dad and and and having the closest with my siblings. I was like, that's that was my goal was like I want to have I want to have a family, and I want to have kid multiple kids that get together like I

do with my brothers and sisters. And so that was kind of that was always one of the bright things, one of the things that I held up there as something for success. Absolutely. And you're talking in the break about a situation that might have happened when you were younger. So I was just kid. I was curious what that was about. Yeah, you're gonna get me to open up, damn you, Derek. It's a can opener. I'm my god, it's a can I'm like one thing of Hawaiian punch

over here. Um. So you made me think of it is I had something happened recently that um it started when it was when I was eight years old. I had something happened. I'll get into it in a minute. But my entire life I've seen it one way and something happened recently that made that made me see the other something that I missed, something that I could have used. Um in brightness. So, like I said, I have a very close family. And when I was eight, I had

a brother that passed away. Um, he was fifteen and he had been sick um from when he was born. But UM, so when I was eight and he was fifteen, he um, he passed away in that whole day. Um, I guess he was asking when I was coming home from school. I was in third grade. I came home from school and I was reading a book in the in the same room as him and Um. As I was it was James and the Giant Peach. And as I was reading this book at that moment, I happened to stop, and I looked up and I saw him

pass away. And so in my mind, the part of the book that I was in, obviously there's a terrible experience, especially for an eight year old, doesn't matter what age. So that's always stuck with me. But in I always remembered in that book, I was at the point where, Um, the sharks were biting at the peach. So the sharks were taking big chunks out of the peach, and I thought, God, that's so such a negative thing, and that's the thing that's always been there with me. Um. And so I

closed the book and I never read it again. And then when I was um in college, I came across the book and I picked up the book and I opened it up, just flipped it open, and I happened open up to that exact page and I saw the sharks biting the peach and I thought, all right, well,

that's enough of that. Put the book away. And you know, so my in my mind, although that was obviously a negative experience, that's also been something that I've held in my life as something that has pushed me through things because nothing is going to like, nothing's gonna phase me, Like, no one's gonna make a comment about me about me not being funny or me not being whatever. That's gonna trump the things that I've gone through my life. So

I can shrug off a lot of stuff in life. Um. But recently so my daughter, Um, after school, I was like, all right, clean out your backpacks and everything was at the end of the year. Um, and she didn't do it. And so in the summer I was like, hey, clean out your backpack and don't leave it there. Put everything away, and so she did. But then she left it there and I was like, you know what, I was like,

I said, don't leave it there. So I went, I picked up the there's a paper too, and then I found in that pile was James and the giant Peach. So I opened up the book again, and while I didn't open up to the page this time, I just opened up to a different page. I did flip two. I found the page with the picture that I always remember that and that was on the right side. And so this this is what long story short, this is what made me think of this. As you're saying this,

take the bright stuff and not the negative stuff. So that picture is on the right side of the page. If you look at the left side, which is what I was reading, the words are actually and then suddenly, but slowly, majestically, like some fabulous golden balloon with all the seagulls stranding at the strings above, the giant peach rose up, dripping out of the water and began began climbing towards the heavens. So it says, in a flash, everybody was up on top. Oh isn't it beautiful? They cried,

what a marvelous feeling. Goodbye sharks. So that was that's what I was reading while that was happening, and I missed it, and I never and instead I just shut down emotionally and I never went back to look because I thought, oh, it's that picture, that book is that picture, and so I know, but and it's not that it would have changed the overall picture. And I think I've done pretty good over the last you know, thirty six

years or whatever. But it's like I went back and I was like, oh, there's a lesson that I missed because I was so blinded by this. Oh this is the this is a negative thing that I take from this, and I just missed a completely positive thing that was actually literally speaking to me at that moment. Well man, first of all, thanks for sharing that. That was a

beautiful and powerful story man, really really amazing. And you know it's going to cut it out, no, no, but you know what, that was such a good example to about how important meaning is the meaning that we give things in this life. You know what I mean. I think that's that's what we That's what we always have. The choice, that's our gift, right as the one gift were given is the power of choice. We always have this. We always have that power to choose what something can mean,

what something can you know what I mean? And so for this is a perfect example of how it could easily mean. Starts are taking something and it's quite you know, violent, almost to it being Wow, it's actually funny that the sharks actually released released the peach from the seas into the heavens and actually was the catalyst for their freedom. Almost um, and like what a different meaning and how beautiful,

How how I came around beautifully? And now I think that that's the thing too, is that we have the choice of how we can look at certain situations and what they might mean to us, you know. And you know Amy Purtty, you know, I danced with her, paralympian she lost her two legs agent at nineteen years old, and she's an incredible sort of inspiration because she when she at nineteen, by the way, you're a nineteen year old girl, and you you know, the nineteen old girl

you lose your legs. Unbelievable. And she, while she's in the operating room looking up at the florescent light, says, I'm in a snowboarding year. I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself. I'm gonna do all these things. Like she made this choice, she decided. She goes, this isn't the end of me, this is the beginning of me. She's like, I don't. It's not that I don't have legs. I have prosthetic legs. She's changing that language, not that what

I don't have, I have prosthetics. And also the meaning of like, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna turn this in is something where I'm gonna actually gonna do good for others. I'm gonna help, I'm gonna do open this sort of adaptive sport, you know, company. And it's the idea of like, letal life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. And if you find those whatever you focus on right, it's like, what are you looking at? And um, what if it was the meaning you give

something is what you're going to feel? Um? But man, yeah, thanks for sharing that. Man, that was that was I mean, I feel the same way. I don't think it was a coincidence that Derek is here today. I think it was meant to be. You know, I think you have so many powerful things to share, and I love I mean, we've known each other such a long time, and I love you so much because there is so much more to Derek and Julianne than being the best answers in

the world. That's not I don't even think of either of you as as that. There's so much to who you are, and I appreciate you both. I mean, I love you too, Brooks, but I'm not looking for Brooks. You were raising your hand about me. But I love how open you both are and how much you it is. It's it's about more to you, but not but not professionally you are like you're absolutely correct, but more fulfillment, more joy. I will say this about Julianne and Derek.

I've spent a lot of time with both of you guys. Obviously they search daily and seek, like go on an assault daily for the greatest quality of life, not the greatest achievements, but the greatest quality of life. And they are not willing to tolerate things that don't add to

the greatest quality, the greatest emotions of their life. And I've seen a massive change in you in the last year and a half on not looking for any sort of external anything and just looking internally and saying I'm going to have the best day ever because I'm going to make it the best regardless what happens outside of me or circumstances influences on me that doesn't control my choices, how I show up in this world and how who I am as a man, and our relationship has really

grown really and it's funny you mentioned the shark thing Dmitri in in a week, Derek and I go to do some great white shark diving. Don't face didn't look exactly like yours, Brooks, I despect smile and Derek was like, I'm excited. No, I'm I'm actually super excited. That's what. Actually one thing with Brooks and I which has been

awesome because we've you know, we have similar interests. We love adventure and we love you know, just that that sort of we love it, man, we love it, we love it, you know, just one little thing real us too, because I don't want to dive because this is a whole like our topic and subject, but especially with men in general, just you know how men think that shame is I would say, probably one of the most just poisonous and poisonous emotions that men experience and unfortunately experienced

often and and which has led to a lot of unfortunate you know, suicides and things like that, and the especially continue to grow. But it's the idea again going back to the shame and not being enough and and doing certain things and equating sort of like you know, because the difference between being guilty feeling guilty is like, oh, I did something bad, you know, feeling shameful as I am something bad. And when you believe that you are bad,

you it's a it's a terrible, terrible spiral. And you know, when we see, at least for me, when I see people struggling or myself, if I'm struggling with something and um, on a deep level, um, and maybe you can do something bad you know that I'm not proud of or whatever might be sort of just stream. There's a there's a phrase that I just love that really spoke um to me when I heard it, and it's we're not

bad people trying to be good. We're wounded people trying to heal because because really those decisions that we've made, it in, those choices we made don't just happen. They've come from something that has possibly wounded us in the past or traumatize us in the past in some way that shaped us. And to make this sort of decision perhaps, you know, and to remind ourselves that like, I'm not bad, I might have done something bad, But I'm not bad. I'm still good. I'm still good, I'm still who I am,

I'm still me um. And you can always recover from that, you know, I mean, you can always overcome. And just for any guys who are out there you know listening, that if you do feel that shame, just remember that that you know that that you are not bad. You are not bad. Um. Anyways, I can touch on something very similar to that. I learned this through hockey. I'd come back to the bench and a coach would just be in my ear, just giving it to me in

my ear. And what I had to learn because of a mistake I made or a play I made that he didn't like. And what I had to learn over the course of my career was it wasn't that the coach didn't love me. He just didn't love that act. So and it applies into relationship to like maybe my wife does something or something and it really frustrates me. It's not that I don't love her, it said, I just don't like that act or that behavior. So we're all human, We're all gonna make mistakes. There's things that

I'm gonna do. Make a mistake here whoops. It's not that I'm like you said, I'm not a bad person, just maybe that behavior there was improper and to learn and to grow from that. So anybody feeling shame who they are or not enough. UM, I love this discussion. I love this topic of just opening this up a place for men to discuss this or women too, but also for men to to voice these concerns. You and I have talked a lot about this. And to have somebody in your life, whoever it is, if you're going

through this, pull somebody in. Friends are here to help you, Families here to help you. If you're struggling with something or not feeling this, share this podcast with them, have a listen to it with them. Pull somebody in and and open up the discussion. And I think you'll see that that guy or girl that you're talking to has men of the same emotions and feelings that you do. So I have a question for you guys before we

have to go. That kind of is like something that weighs on me a lot, especially in a relationship, but you could apply it to everything. Should we ask for what we need? However we ask for it? You guys kind of dove into that a little bit earlier, or should we find a way to not need so much from from someone else and find it in ourselves. And

how do you make that decision? I think, I mean because that's the thing too, Because to be completely honest, I was sort of taught the sort of first phase in my sort of learning about relationships of lesson was always like, oh, just tell your significant other what you want, what you need, communicate, right, that's like healthy, tell them what you want, tell them what you need, communicate, communicate.

That's healthy, it's good, it's good. I think that, yes, that it can be beneficial and of course and it's it is good to can kay absolutely, But I also think that you can actually pull it out of somebody without actually having to ask them. I think there was a way of doing that as well. I think that's also by you giving, by you, um loving even like loving yourself, and you being in a certain energy and in a certain space that it will draw that person you know to do those acts, to do those certain

things in a certain way. And and by the way, if it doesn't, then maybe it's not the right match. I think you're right, you know what I mean, Perhaps I think, um and that's the thing I think. But then, of course, if I'm completely honest as well, you know when you talk about like love languages and the whole thing, of course, I you know, I'm words of affirmation. I like to hear I love you, you know, I like

to hear it. So good a combination. Yeah. Well, And by the way, my girlfriend she just needs to she's touched so by me, just like holding, touching her hand or her shoulder, tells her that I love her. I'm like, yo, I need to hear the words, you know what I mean. That's like Ryan. That's like Ryan said he wanted gifts and words about it. Gifts and words of it was like a juicer. And to say that in a hospital, Ben, We're just like, I think it's both. I think it's

exactly what he said. I think I think if you're so fulfilled and happy in who you are, you're going to attract that energy out of a person. And exactly like you said, less and if they don't gravitate to you in your best state, they're probably not your person. Because also too, by the way, think about it, that's sort of a trade. It becomes a trade if you think about it. Right, it becomes a trade. Okay, if

you give me this, then I'll give you this. Okay, I just need to feel this way, then I'll feel that way. So you're just constantly just well, you're just trading. You're just trading things. And by the way, without being sort of like harsh or brad, but like, what else is there that you trade somebody for? Love? Essentially? What is that? I don't love that? No, but you know what I'm saying, right, So the idea, the idea, by the way, for me, at least, that's what I did. Um,

I do, by the way, continually to do. I'm not saying like I'm perfect by any means at all. Um, yeah, yeah, you're a real wreck. No, but like trust listen, trust me, man. I mean there you know, Um, we can do another episode, we can go into some of stuff, but um, but at least, like I I just know I have I have far more success with just focusing on what I

can give, what I can do. That's just there's I have more success in that place and that there's more that's come from that than me thinking like well if they just did this, then I can do That's. Yeah, I gotta so that leads perfectly. D you just tied me up perfectly. Um, I have a question that I've wanted to ask you, but I also want to ask you Dmitri and Amy um and trying to just keep We've been We've had here for like an hour and a half already, so I don't want to keep you

much longer. But I'm curious on everything we touched on today about being enough on six time, Dancing with the Stars, two Emmy's, I mean, all the success money on NBC, all this kind of stuff, what do you think is your greatest success? Not your biggest, not your most publicly celebrated, like the one that means the most to you, And it doesn't have to be professional. I just mean in your life, what do you believe is your greatest success? Um?

I mean honestly, you know, if I if I'm on just on a personal level, I think that you know, I made a distinct choice, um about you know a while ago to basically change my identity, you know, my my, my, my sort of of who who I to sort of start to be congruent with what I knew was right and living that instead of knowing what I was right for me and maybe saying the things but not really

living by those things. UM. So for me, that was a moment where I felt really sort of like I gets hard to explain, like in myself, like like like grounded, like present centered, because I was like, I'm actually doing and living the things that I feel like are aligned with who I want to be and what I want to do instead of just saying it and then and not you know, UM, that was That's been a huge

achievement for me personally privately. Um, but yeah, I think I think that would be That was a big That's a bit a big one for me. So knowing you and having spent a lot of time with you, I I have seen that shift in you. I believe I know somewhat what you're talking about. I've seen that shift with you. And when we first met, I somewhat had to.

I felt like I worried about you a little bit on certain things, and I haven't had any of that like I've I'm so proud and I was so fortunate that I got to witness a transition in you and the growth in you, and so proud of the man who you've become and who you are, not what you do, and I tell Jules same thing. I don't give a damn if you're on NBC, if you're on the shore, Like I don't care if you're a school teacher. I don't care what you do. I care who you are,

and I love who you are. And that's why I believe our relationship has blossomed even more. Uh. And now if I'm doing anything anything, you're one of my first phone calls. Yeah, me too, Man, you too, brother, You're gonna be one of mine too. Now after this, let's do it. Man, this has been no honestly, this has been a pleasure. Man. I've I've really enjoyed this and I uh, I love it. Man, Thank you guys for having me. Dmitri. Yeah you can. You got five more minutes?

Yeah yeah, Dmitri had to say. And he's out the door. He's like, peace, we'll get you valid or what is you We'll we'll get validated. What's your parking? Dmitri's like, if I go over this hour, it's gonna be the next or eight dollars I got, I got I changed in my meter? Dmitri, what would you say is your greatest success? Um? Well, obviously we've talked about this before.

I'm very proud of my family, so that but if I were to move past that, I think that UM, I think that I'm very aware of other people and I think I'm very aware of other people's feelings, and I think that makes me a pretty decent um friend. I think I'm I'm. I think I'm a pretty good person that I try and be there for people and I listen to them, and I think I kind of uh, I think I provide them, you know, what they need in a friendship, and I think it's not something that

I do just for them. It obviously makes me feel good, but I think I'm aware of when people may be uncomfortable, or people maybe going through a hard time or need someone to talk to. And I think I I think I have the ability to um to address that and to and to be there for people. And I think that's I'm pretty proud of that awesome man you have. As as knowing you as a friend now, I'll completely attest to that you are everything you just said, that's awesome.

I commend you. Remember I send you the email said I think Derek needs to talk. Should we bring him in a no one cares about my here she has talked so much, not at all. My greatest success is not achieved yet. I mean, I honestly mean it when I'm saying I will feel content. I don't want to use the word happy, because happy such a sort of I will feel content when I do not call you

Brooks and say why did he not text me? Like truly, I know it sounds so dumb, but I hate the fulfillment and like the hit I get from that that I want to not need that from someone else that somebody else does not determine. Somebody else is not determined if I am happy or not. But by the way, and did you notice, by the way, just just watching you in the body, your body language, and in the whole thing of how obviously when you start to talk about it, you know again it's like it becomes very real.

The focus is all right there, and it's like it becomes super real. We feel that you feel it. And even now you're closing your arms, your shoulders are shrugged, you know, I mean, you're physically even feeling it too. I hate it. I hate it, right, I understand, but I think just just just just just just for fun, try to just try this. Please please show us back, be deep, open, honest, but I guess open, Come on open um yea. Love is love, baby, love us, love

it and all is well. All is well, it really is. And I've I've honestly am thankful for you being so open and vulnerable and courageous right um to even spur this conversation um with your sort of whatever you're going through at the moment, you know what I mean? So, uh, yeah, you get baby, I said you have. So you said you haven't reached your achieved your greatest success. So until then,

can we just call this podcast your greatest success. We started on our numbers, share those with your friends, and we hit our numbers. So this is the greatest greatest success. Okay, can you Instagram about this? Yes, I'm not going to let you off the hook here, Amy. And what goes to what Derek talked about before, where the focus goes the energy flows. So I asked you your greatest success?

You said something that that wasn't what what is something you are extremely proud of that is a great success? In with Derek in that I've had a million successes at work and a million you know all that stuff. I think it's figuring out who you really are and what you really want and feeling at peace. I don't need that high high because I don't like feeling bad.

It's just feeling. But is that something you've you've done. No, I'm working on it my I want to touch on mine for a setcause I want people to hear this so I hope they can do it in their lives. My greatest success in my blight, in my life, I believe is following my instincts. So every single day of my life, I have gravitated and done what I want When I want, how I want. Doesn't mean I've always got the vaults I wanted, but I have followed whatever

instinct I've had. I've followed and created the life that I want. So I never let fear or struggle or obstacle or uncertainty or anything overcome me. I always pursued the life that I want and continue to have the choice and choose every day what I want and for myself. I hope that's my life's mission I want. I always say my life's mission is to help inspire people to create the white life that they want. Know that you have the power to create the life that you want.

That has been my greatest success. This has been freaking awesome. This has been awesome. Um what you got to meet trains. I feel like you're wrapping it up. And you remember I said I'm aware of what people think and what people want. It's I know that I'm gonna get ridiculed if I let this session end without at least bringing up apologize in advance. Was it weird for you to hear either the podcast or see the headlines that says that Brooks likes to suck Julianne's tough. I can't in

the same room, right, what? Okay, So first of all, you will say this, I will say this. I would not have probably seen that. And like my friend like a forwarded to me. It's like, Yo, what is this? Try it play around a little listen, let me again again. Let me just go into this. It's it's kind of

weird because it doesn't It didn't even phasee me. My response was like, hey man, you gotta give him credit from just being out there, like like it's like I wouldn't personally be like, but you gotta give him credit for that. Um. Yeah. So and also like I lived with him for three years, so I see there's a lot of pizza that goes on. Wait was that public? So private? I was aware. I would leave the room propertly, but I was also you know, it was fine. It's

not like it goes on everything. By the way, where focus goes, energy flow, so my focus changes quickly, that's all. I'm like, there it is, and by well, thank you so much Dmitri for bringing that up. But I really appreciate. But by the way, you know, it's uh, it's funny, I have to say to even just with with Jewels. Um, you know, we're we're like super close, We're like best friends.

We you know, we were we have this great relationship and it's funny for me like seeing certain things that might happen or say or whatever that she does, and I know her so well that it's like it's it's funny because I can see some people's reactions to certain things and I'm like, oh, okay, it's just because it's just articulated differently. And if you need translation, feel free to ask me. I'll tell you exactly what. I'll tell you exactly what she meant by I'll tell you I'll

translate for you. Yeah, I know, let's talking about that. Um, well talk well, uh dude. I want to commend you, uh one. I just want to say thank you for coming in today. Thank you, um. But I also want to commend you just for so much of your life. People look at you for your successes, but I see you as somebody that has a gift. And I truly mean this, a gift to impact and inspire others. And I've seen that there's people in their life that can maybe do it with a few of their friends or

their family, or maybe within their community. You have a global gift to inspect and impact and inspire others. And it's something I've learned immensely from and try and um apply to my life. You've inspired me in that way. You're such a person of service, um. And I just commend you for the challenging yourself, challenging me, your sister, who you are in the world, your friendships, how you show up. I love your creativity. You've pulled so many things out of me and impacted my life in ways

I could never imagine. And I just want to say I'm thankful for it, for our relationship, and for having you as a brother and for everything you shared with our community today. Um for more for people that that are just learning you or are can't find you yet, or just how did people follow more because you do so much positive messaging on your social on your tour, like where can people find and connect and engage with you? Well recently? Thanks for that, brother, I appreciate that, man. Um.

And uh, I'm sure, I'm sorry. I'm sure there are people that thought they were going to tune in today and hear us talk about like the Passo double or the Rumba, So I think they are blown away, just jumping on what Brooks said, blown away by by the person that you are and how deep you are. I'm sorry to cut you off. Go no where can people find you? Oh? Um? Well now it's just my I was gonna say in my social media, but now it just consists of my new cat who's opening doors now

honestly opens doors. It's insane, man, it's insane. I'm moving into fatherhood um with animals. Um. Yeah, just just add deircuff. It's just my social just Instagram, you know, and things like that. And I try, you know, I try to put some stuff out there, but also just to have fun. And just be lighthearted. You know. Check check out Derek's Instagram because he's got these real serious pictures with the cheesiest thoughts. They're the greatest. Love the first one you posted,

I text you right away. You have to keep doing that. I got one. I got one locked and loaded, ready to go. I know the tennis one. So so check about at Derik Houff on all the socials at deircuff dot com right or deercuff dot com um and NBC World of Dance. He's also got a book out, very celebrated author. Love what you do man, love your mission in the world. Thank you for coming in. Uh, we want to hear what you guys think. What do you think of this episode? We would love to hear any

comments and questions insights that you have. Thank you, Dmitri. Amy, Oh girl, it's done. You're through it. Gavin and Rick and Ryan, so I can step away from the mic. Sending love to Ryan. We hope you're well. Sending love to Gavin. Good luck on the tour, Buddy, we miss you, and also Rick who's up in Alaska stay away from the bears. Thank you everybody for listening. Uh, Dmitri, do you want to do it. Should I do it? I

think you should do it. I should do it. Okay, take care of one another, love one another, and we'll see you right back here next week for another episode of How Men Think