S3 E11: Un-Human

Hey guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic, famous foods from restaurants across the country, anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. Gold Belly Ship Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garden's famous cakes.

So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code gift. That's goldbelly.com promo code gift. Hey, this is Vince, the creator of How I Died and the voice of John Spacer. If you'd like to support the show, the absolute best way is by becoming a member of How I Died Premium.

You'll get access to early ad-free episodes, bonus cases, and crime scene photos. Plus, you'll be able to listen to the member-exclusive 10-episode Crowley miniseries. Plus, much, much more. Your support helps the story continue. To join How I Died Premium, just go to patreon.com slash howidied, or click the link in the show notes below. Thanks for listening, and enjoy the episode.

Hey, Crowley, it's John. Just checking in again. I haven't heard from you. Call me back. Knock, knock. Mendez. Hey. Hey, Doc. Grab your shit and let's go. I've got a case for you. You're taking me this time. I am. That a problem? No. Just curious. Where's Crowley? She's on another case. Asked me to bring you on this one. Look. Are you coming or not? Absolutely, yeah. Hey, I've actually got these files for Crowley. Would you mind giving them to her if you see her? Sure, whatever. Let's go.

Audio Media presents How I Die. Everything okay? They're supposed to leave the gate unlocked. Guess we're hoofing it. Like we have to jump over? No, dummy. I've got keys to the booth we can pass through, but it would have been easier to just drive the car through. Here, take this. Whew. Oh, tight quarters. Whew. Been here before? The cemetery? Yeah, but usually after a case, not for one.

What, you attend the funerals of the victims? Sometimes, but not all of them. Man, I haven't been to one in years. Some of the cases just hit a little harder, you know? It feels right to go. I'm surprised. I never pictured you as the sympathetic type. It's empathy, not sympathy. What's the difference? Sympathy is feeling bad for someone from their perspective.

Empathy is putting yourself in their shoes. So if you relate to them, you feel bad enough to go to the funeral? That's kind of a shitty way of looking at it. Why? I don't know. I feel like I... should be able to feel sorry for them without having to put myself in their position. And do you? All right, Dr. Kim, relax. Okay, all right. You heard they quit, right? I'm definitely aware. So... So... Cemetery at night, huh? Are we having a seance? Hell no. I am not pissing off a ghost.

I never did get to thank you. You know, for not telling Crowley I went to the Springfield Corp. facility when I was suspended. Yeah, well, you shouldn't be going there in the first place. Shit's haunted. Yeah, you mentioned that. But I am absolutely refusing to talk about being haunted in a cemetery at night. Why are we here in the dark anyway? Wouldn't this be easier to do tomorrow? Yeah, you're telling me.

But the fucking groundskeeper has a funeral happening tomorrow right near the plot we're going to. Said it would disturb the attendees if we're digging up a body during it. We're digging up a body. You and me? No. A crew came out earlier. We just need to help identify some inconsistencies before we move anything. Inconsistencies? There are two bodies in one coffin. That is definitely inconsistent.

Yep. Dirk Bevins went missing about a week ago or more. He didn't open his store for a while and someone called the police. We didn't have much to go on until a few days ago. Someone else noticed a man matching his description hanging around the cemetery. So he went... Voluntarily missing? Who knows. Hart and I follow up. Nothing seemed off to the groundskeeper, and he doesn't remember seeing anyone. Until... Until... We realize that Dirk's deceased wife was buried in the cemetery.

Maybe he's visiting her, right? Something like that. So we go to check the grave site and it's got new, fresh dirt on top. As in someone recently opened it up? Opened it and reclosed it. So we bring the crew out, dig it up to check, and voila. Two bodies inside a single coffin. And I'm here to confirm that the second is Dirk's. Oh no, we're certain it's Dirk. He's not that decomposed after a day or two.

I can identify him from a recent photo. We just need you to tell us why and how he got put in there. Plus, the second body is interesting. You'll see. Right. Well... At least I'm involved this time. What's that mean? I just feel like I've been iced out. You're on a case right now. With Crowley, I mean. I'm here with you. Yeah, and what's wrong with me?

Nothing. You know what I mean. Crowley was always the point of contact. It felt like we were a team, and now we're just, you know, not. Yeah, trust me. I know the feeling. Is she icing you out too? No one is icing anyone out. But you're not working together on cases. It's complicated. Mendez, is there something going on between you two?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We are not close enough for this conversation. It's just that I've seen you both together. You have great chemistry. We're partners. Currently estranged. We're fine. How's your hand? All right, man. Do you have something you want to say? Crowley told me about the car accident. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. No, you didn't. You wanted to imply that you know, so I'd talk to you.

Sorry. I'm not trying to manipulate you. I'm trying to connect. Well, you're doing a shitty job at it. We're here. That's a big hole. Yeah, they dug a little off Mark, so we had to expand it. Anyway, now you can stand on the side. Go ahead in. Is there a ladder or... Rope. Here, I'll hold this side. Great. High tech. What happens if I can't get back up? I'm bigger than you. You'll be fine. Cozy. Drop me a flashlight.

What? What happened? Oh, nothing. Just got startled. Holy crap. From the coffin? This can't be the worst shape you've seen a body in. It's not. Uh, nothing. You're not seeing anything weird, right? Weird? I thought I'd be stuck in there forever again. What exactly am I looking at? Two bodies in a coffin. Right, but... Go away. Does it look like they're hugging to you? They're hugging, right? Hugging? Seriously, I've told at least four people now, including you, to piss off.

Hey, Mendez. Yeah? I left a soil spectrometer in your car. Of course you did. Would you mind going to get it for me? Is it important? It lets me analyze the type of dirt. You know, if there are multiple kinds, like if you were moved. So, yeah, it's a little important. And of course you left it. In your car. Yeah.

I'd go get it, but then I'd have to climb out and waste time I could be using to look at the body. We'll be here all night. What's it look like? You'll know it when you see it. Hard to miss. Look, you realize you can't climb out alone, right? I'll be all right. Walking through a creepy-ass cemetery at night, one flashlight, son of a bitch. Are you Dirk Bevins? Please, just let me sleep.

My name's John. Do you know why people haven't been listening to you? Because all of you are jerks? Actually, it's because no one can hear you. You're a dead body. You're a ghost right now, Dirk, and people think they're just looking at a dead body in a coffin. Bull. Seriously, I'm the only one who can see or hear you. Try standing. You'll see. Whoa, let me back up.

There, I'm standing. Wouldn't I be floating if I were dead? You are, but only like a centimeter above the dirt. It's pretty much like standing. Again, bull. I'm going back to sleep. Turn around and look down. At what? Oh my god. That's me. That's my body. Exactly. I'm actually dead. You are. So, where's Mabel? Is that your wife? Yes, where is she?

I'm not sure. How long ago did she die? In 1992. That's a long time. And you died maybe two or three days ago. She's probably gone. What do you mean, gone? You're a ghost right now, and she must have been when she died too. But you can't stay as a ghost. You have to move on to whatever's next. Maybe that's where she went. So, will I see her?

I don't know. Maybe. How can I move on? Well, if you can just hold on for a minute, I have a couple questions. I'm too tired for questions. Is that why you came to the cemetery? Because you were tired? I've been tired for 20 years. Maybe more. Maybe... Since Mabel. This podcast you're listening to, it was once just a dream. A dream that became reality not by accident, but because someone decided not to let the what-ifs keep them from creating something they believed in.

Starting your own business is a dream lots of us share, but too many let it remain just a dream. Don't hold yourself back from creating what you believe in and turn those what ifs into why nots with Shopify by your side. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world, and 10% of all e-commerce in the US, from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. What if I can't design a website?

Shopify's got you with beautiful ready-to-go templates to match your brand's style. What if I need a hand? Get help with everyday tasks like enhancing product images, writing product descriptions, or generating discount codes with Shopify's AI tools created for commerce. What if people haven't heard about my brand?

Shopify helps you find your customers with easy-to-run email and social media campaigns. And what if I get stuck? Shopify is always around to share advice with their award-winning 24-7 customer support. So turn those dreams into and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash realm. go to shopify.com slash realm. shopify.com slash realm.

If you used Babbel, you would. Babbel's conversation-based techniques teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about in the real world. With lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts and voiced by real native speakers. B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Spotify. Rules and restrictions may apply.

What happened to her? Huh? Same thing that happened to a lot of people. She got sick from the storm. Do you mind if I disturb our dead bodies? Sure. Go for it. She's heavily decayed. I know. Her bone structure. It's odd. Didn't they ever tell you not to speak ill of the dead? Did she have some sort of birth defect while she was alive? She was perfect. Because I'm seeing a malformed jawline on her skull, and look at the temple. There's an additional boar.

I don't know what I'm looking at. That's just bones. Not my wife. Right here. At the jaw. These back teeth here, they don't look like molars. They're pointed. Maybe they broke in here. In this tiny hole in her temple, it's like a... I don't know what to make of that. You said she had storm shock. What was it like? You want me to relive that? If you don't mind. I do mind. It was awful. Watching her get sicker and sicker.

Did she, um, grow any extra toes or anything weird? I've heard stuff like that can happen with the victims of Storm Shock. Again, that's my wife. This almost doesn't look human. No extra toes, no. You came to see her, right? I loved her. I still do. It hurts so bad to live without her every single day. her again it was the anniversary of her death i was tired you were the one that dug all the way down here to open the coffin i came in the evening it

Took almost until morning. Then I found her and... and laid down. Jesus. How did you get covered back up? You didn't do that, right? I got awoken, yelled, and asked to go back to sleep. I told you, you guys kept doing that. Then the dirt came down. You said you saw four people. Me, two cops, and who else? I don't know. Some old guy. He was really annoyed and horrified when he saw me. He came back with a ditch digger. And then the dirt came down.

Right. And I was left to sleep for a while. Dirk, I think you were buried in here. Probably alive, but I'll have to... What are you doing to me? I'm going to check your airway. If there is dirt in your lungs, it means that you were alive when somebody dug back over you. Hey, Doc, is this it? Hey, um, no, I think that's a tire pressure gauge. It's probably yours. Yeah, it looked like one, but I'm not going back. It's fine. What are you doing with them? Pull me up.

You don't need your dirt thermometer or whatever it was? No. It's fine. I'll use it back at the lab. I think we should exhume both of the bodies and transport them there. Both bodies. Yeah. For Dirk, I need to check his lungs to see if he inhaled any dirt. If he did, he was alive when he was buried. But I didn't see any nail marks or signs of a struggle.

There's nothing under his fingernails, and it looks like he was just sort of laying there when the dirt was put back on him. So he was dead? Maybe. I can't be sure here. Got it. But why the other body? Just leave us alone!

Dirk's wife, Mabel? She was a victim of storm shock. Her bone structure in the coffin seems to have changed. I want to take a look at what happened. You want to... Do you think she's related to Dirk's death at all? No. So you want to just, what, check out her bones? I think it could definitely be important for, you know, what's going on with Stormshock. Plus, she's already partially exhumed.

That is not how this works, John. Not how any of this works. Do you know what kind of hoops I'll have to jump through just to get Dirk's body out of here? And you want me to file for an unrelated body too? It's not gonna happen. Crowley would probably be interested in knowing, too. That's great. She can be the one to tell you no, then. If I could get a hold of her. It'll be a couple of days to get Dirk's body approved for movement. Great. I can sleep.

Look, you need anything else here? Can we head back? I apparently have some paperwork to do. No, we can go. Just curious, how old is the groundskeeper here? You met him, right? Old. And is there a construction vehicle or something around? Anything that could be used to dig up dirt? Yeah, we used it earlier. Why? Just curious.

If I do find dirt in Dirk's lungs, then maybe the groundskeeper found him and buried him. Why the hell would he do that? I think Dirk dug this hole himself, and then just sort of... Laid down to die. You got all that from ten minutes with a body? Maybe he missed his wife. You doing okay, Deck? You miss your wife? My ex-boyfriend, actually. Oh. Oh! I didn't know. Sorry to assume. Oh, no, you're good. I didn't mean it like that. He, uh...

He died is all. So, you know, just kind of a sensitive subject that's been on my mind. And that's why you're projecting onto a dead guy? Have you... Have you ever been in love? John. I'm 37 years old. Are we in a Lifetime movie? What's going on right now? Are you in love with Crowley? What? Why would... Where did that even come from? Just something I picked up on.

Yeah, well, put it back. Stop picking up on stuff. You guys bicker a lot. So do you. Yeah, well, we also have a pretty tight bond. We've... Work together for a while now she feels terrible about what happened to you Now we're back on this She should feel terrible she lied to me She kept important information from me, and it led to... We got played, all right? She almost got us killed, and then she just shot... She shot someone?

Leave it alone, Spacer. She did what she thought she needed to do, to make things right. You of all people should know that in the heat of the moment... When her son died, I thought it would be it for her. We weren't even partners then. She was deputy and I just worked in the office. We weren't that close, but I could feel her energy change. Like she was lost, just floating through life.

I prayed for her, you know? I'm not religious, but I hoped it helped. I lit those, uh, those little candles where you ask for something. I asked for her to heal. Then our boss got indicted and she was rushed into a promotion I don't think she even wanted. Suddenly it was like she had a new purpose. I think it helped her cope. I saw a new side to her, how strong she was.

And I mean, if she could get through that, then she could get through anything. That's the moment I... That's the moment I fell in love with her. Almost three years ago. Have you ever told her that? We've all lost somebody, Spacer. She lost her son, got divorced. I lost my brother. Hell, you lost your boyfriend. People like us... We don't just get happy endings. Because we know in the end, all it leads to is loss.

You first, through the guard post. A while ago, you asked me about your brother, right? Alex. Yeah. He... Worked at Springfield Corp as a scientist. He was a custodian. Scientist doesn't exactly run in my family. When the explosion happened... Alex got out. What are you talking about? He went to the underground bunker, which was safe from the storm. There was supposedly food and water down there, and I think he survived a long time. And I...

I think someone from Springfield Corp came to find him. What the fuck are you talking about? He might be alive somewhere. Are you kidding me? How could you possibly say that? You don't know that! What the fuck do you believe in, Mendez? Excuse me? You said you're not religious, but you pray. You think Springfield is haunted or cursed. Do you believe in that stuff? Ghosts and monsters?

I don't know. Where is this coming from? The fucking body in that coffin didn't look human. What do you mean, Dirk? The other one. The one that suffered from storm shock. Something changed it. And I think there's more to this place being cursed than you might know about. I also think you're right. Alex might have... Shut up about Alex. Don't... Don't talk about things you don't know. I do know.

How? Because I can talk to ghosts. You what? Nothing. I didn't say... You don't think you can... No, I... It was a metaphor. A metaphor? Do you mind if we just drop this? Yeah. We don't need to talk in the car. Yeah, I'd prefer that.

How I Died is an audio media original production created and written by Vince DeJohnny. Directed by Chroma Sikora and mixed by Eric Howell. This episode was edited by Chris Harris-Beachy. With sound design by Eric Emma. Our theme song was created by Silent Mike. Starring me as John Spacer, Shaina Waring as Sheriff Crowley. Luis Bermudez as Eric Mendez, Vin Vox as Dr. Kim, and Caitlin Roberts as Amelia. This episode guest starred Elijah Tatum as Dirk and someone as Joy.

If you're enjoying the show, please head over to your favorite podcast app and give us a rating and a review. It really helps us out a ton and we definitely appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time. All right, girls, this is the place. We'll get everything loaded over to the boat, and we'll lock up the truck. Don't leave anything behind. Wait, is that it? That's where we're going?

Yeah, that's it. Seal Skin Rock. Wow. Return to the mysteries in Don't Mind, Seal Skin Rock. Subscribe now to catch the premiere, and we'll see you on The Rock. Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television. To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The Best Worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.