S3 E09: Murder!

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You gonna eat your dinner? How can you be hungry at a time like this? 7.45? You know what I mean. Look, Spacer. Good police work is about finding a balance. You're never going to stop everything. And you'll drive yourself crazy trying. I just feel like we should be out there doing, I don't know, something. Did you sleep last night? A couple of hours. Why?

What a waste of time. You should have been out there, doing something. I get your point. So weed something. Refuel. Think about the information we have, and then we can put all of our efforts into finding... What was the name again? Joy. What a stupid name. But then again, all the serial killers have inflated egos. I'm not surprised they named themselves. You got that tape? Yeah. Here. Anything else on the other one? I'd tell you if there was. More coffee, Fran?

Hmm, thanks. How about you, hon? Coffee? Tea, actually. Could I get some more hot water? Sheriff Crowley, we got reports of a potential homicide in the 1500 block near your... Copy. Send my car the address. I'm on my way in, too. I'm coming with you. Actually, I was going to surprise you, but... Grant approved your return to the hospital.

For real? I barely had to push for it. So you head there and I'll swing by with whatever I find. How well do you know Grant? Well enough. Why? You on your suspect list too? I just learned some stuff about him recently. Well, you might want to keep that to yourself. At least for now. Seeing as how he got you your job again. Just...

No more yelling at hospital staff. He was only at Kim, and you know why. Mm-hmm. Speaking of, it's been two weeks since Kim left. There hasn't been a purple body in a while. No other communications from our killer. Right? Actually, Crowley... I fucking knew it. Do not do this to me again. That's not the first time Joy has contacted me. Excuse me? I wanted to tell you last time, but you were so mad. I'm mad this time!

You and I, we need to have a serious conversation. Later. Oh, wait. Congratulations on getting your fucking job back. And thanks for paying. Here's your hot tea. presents How I Die.

Took you long enough. I had to get my paperwork squared away. Admin wasn't even here this late. What happened at the scene? Three bodies at some fucking mansion near JJ's. A Vanderbilt place? Old one. Renovated for parties or something. You've got your gurneys there, evidence collected here. Is that it? No more info?

I need cause of death. You really needed me to tell you that? You were giving me details on the scenes before. Yeah, when we were being honest with each other. I didn't lie to you, Crowley. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. We're keeping it from me, wasn't it? Fine. It was a murder mystery dinner gone wrong. What the hell is a murder mystery dinner?

Are you fucking kidding? You really do live under a rock, don't you? That doesn't really explain anything. A group of people go to a dinner and some actor set up a fake murder. The players have to solve the murder by the time the dinner's over. It's like a fun party activity. Murder is a fun party activity? It's not a real murder. Well, except in this case.

When the game ended, three of the dead actors didn't get up. Someone called 911 and first responders said the Vicks were dead for almost an hour by the time they arrived. We've got the rest of the players and the two living actors in my department for questioning. I need you to help me sort through what is real evidence and what isn't. The scene was tainted? We've got trace everywhere.

Our main suspect tried CPR on each of them. Sounds to me like an easy way to explain away their DNA all over everything. It wasn't James! I keep trying to tell her! Uh-huh. I hear you. Well, let me dive in. That's it, huh? What do you mean? You know what, Spacer. After what you told me...

I was going to tell you this later. After everything. I can't let you work on the Joy case with me anymore. What? Not right now. In the event that this goes to trial, I can't risk having you fuck up the case. So your name doesn't appear on any documents. Only you and I know about your involvement, and that's how it's going to stay until we figure out who Joy is.

And arrest the son of a bitch. Then you can come in and nail them with whatever evidence you find. I know you don't want anything official, but... I'm doing the rest of this alone. That's it. End of discussion. If you get any more tapes or have anything else to tell me, you better damn well do it. I've got nothing. Good. Then stay in the lab. Stay safe. And let me stop Joy on my own. Got it? Crowley. Don't fucking sulk.

You asked how we can stop a serial killer if we keep getting distracted by other homicides. Well, this is how. You solve the other homicides, and I stop the serial killer. Harsh? No idea what that was about, but it sounded harsh. Shut up, mustard. Your incessant badgering was probably what got us killed in the first place.

Yeah, because you killed us. I did nothing of the sort. Boys, please. It was clearly Annie that did us in. Please stop bickering. Wait. You can hear us. Yes, I can. Now please shut up so I can figure out what killed you all. Maybe the sheriff wasn't too harsh on him. No, no! No! You need to explain! We tried communicating with everyone else who's been nearby. Clearly we're dead, but... We figured that much out ourselves. Mustard, I swear to God.

Your name is Mustard. Colonel Mustard, and that obnoxious son of a bitch is Plum. A professor. And I, Mrs. White. A white person. Shut up, Mustard! Why are you all still in character? You can drop the act. I am actually a professor. With a terrible British accent. The chart says your name is Scott Mills. You guys can drop the act, though, right? It's not stuck because you're dead? I never break character! I do. Fuck that. I'm Austin. Nice to meet you, Austin. I'm John.

I'm a pathologist here to figure out what actually killed you. It was Annie Peacock. And I'm guessing that's another actor. Yeah, but she didn't kill us. Plum did. He's fucking crazy. Say it to my face, sir. Jesus Christ, guys. Break it up. Can't touch each other anyway. Just... All right. Someone tell me what caused all this blood.

Well, it's a little fuzzy. What do you mean? None of you remember who killed you? Well... The thing is, I don't see any physical signs that could indicate a cause of death. Your bodies look fine. Thank you. I mean like you weren't stabbed or shot or hid with a candlestick. It's jokes like that which got us targeted for the heinous act. I don't think anyone attacked us. Then what's with all the blood?

It's fake blood. Just a prop. Interesting. The dried texture is pretty accurate. That's good to know. I'll leave our new blood supplier a five-star review. So fake blood. Did anyone attack you? Not that I knew. I think we were poisoned. Poisoned, huh? I remember getting really sleepy and then having trouble breathing, but... I was so dizzy, I just closed my eyes and I couldn't get up. A similar situation to myself. My chest was hurting. Hurting how? Like burning. Stinging almost.

My heart was pounding. Maybe something that affected your respiration and blood pressure. There are a handful of things. So how can you tell who killed us? Well, first I need to narrow down the how before we can get to the who. I'm going to be conducting the autopsy, starting with your esophagus and diaphragm. You're going to cut us open? What happened to never dropping character? Shut up, Austin!

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You all might not want to watch this. It can be a little off-putting to see yourself be cut open. You know from experience? So I've been told. I'll wait over here. I think I'll... Just have a seat. Austin, you alright being here? I'm ready, Ford. Anything to put Plum in jail. I told you I didn't do this. Why would I kill you and then myself? Alright, getting started on Austin Green. Wait, your last name is Green and you picked Colonel Mustard? That was a last-minute cast. And beginning incision.

You know, Scott brings up a good point. Professor Plem. Scott asked why he'd kill himself afterward. Clearly to hide his intent. He wanted revenge on me for stealing Annie. You stole no one. From me? Annie and I had a mutual understanding. A woman isn't a thing to steal from anyone! Says the girl in the provocative maid's outfit. It's a... costume. At least I was good in my role. You are always the first one killed. Enough. I meant the time frame questions got proposed, not the motive. What?

What order were you all killed in? In the game? Uh, White, me, and then Plum. Any idea who died first in real life? Walk me through the events of the party. It's not a very technically intense process. We invite people over for dinner, start the game, and lie under a sheet. Why don't you want to tell him, Plum? Have something to hide?

Guests arrive at five o'clock. We serve cocktails and mingle while they get to know a bit of our backstories. Then, right before dinner is served, Colonel Mustard discovers my dinner... Moving on to the esophagus examination of Winnie Marsh. Your name is Winnie? My parents were from the South. Sue me. Didn't see anything in my throat, Doc?

I did, actually, but I wanted to confirm before I said anything. What is it? I'm seeing burning along the sides of Austin's throat. Winnie's now as well. What's that mean? It means something caused the burning. Genius. I see why you do this joke now. What about the food? What do you mean? Did you all eat the food at the party? Anything in particular that someone else might not have? We all have dinner before the guests arrive.

Plum cooks. Just an additional portion of what we're serving to the guests. Normal ingredients and nothing I'd put in there to kill anyone. Maybe someone else poisoned it. I can have Crowley check if anyone else is showing symptoms. Don't bother. Why not? I didn't eat anything for dinner. You didn't? No. I got food from JJ's earlier in the afternoon.

Plum's cooking sucks. How dare you! Okay, so you didn't eat the same things. But Scott's throat is also showing the same type of burn marks. Is it possible you were injected with something? Anyone feel a pinch or a prick out of the blue? I know one prick in here. I don't think so. Winnie? Not that I remember. All right, then.

I'm moving on to the chest cavity examination to look at your lungs. This definitely won't be pretty. Oh, jeez. What is that? A bone saw to get through your breastbone. I need some air! We don't breathe air. We're dead. It's going to be loud and crunchy. And I'm going to have to do it three times, so brace yourselves. Oh, good. Me first. What are you doing? We cut in a Y incision to pull back the skin and open the chest cavity. Then we can sew it up afterward. And through.

Just look at him first and do the rest later. Fine. If I can find something. The diaphragm seems fine, but your lungs. Wow. Not good. Does that look good? Honestly, can't tell. It's not good. Your lungs are perforated. They grew tiny holes in them until... The holes got... Bigger and bigger to look like that, huh? Exactly. You were probably long dead before the holes reached anywhere near this big, but it must have been very painful. But what does that mean? How did we die?

I've seen something like this before, but since it's just your lungs, I don't think it's the same situation. How did no one discover any of you? We were under sheets. Once one of us is killed off in the game... They put a white sheet over us so we can check our phones, hang out, and move without breaking immersion. These sheets? Yes, those. That smell. What smell? You don't smell that? It's ammonia. We're probably nose blind. We use it every week. Ammonia? It's not ammonia, it's bleach.

Are you sure? It's ammonia. I cleaned them myself. Not very well. What do you mean? Plum washed the sheets, but they still had the fake blood on them from the night before, so... I asked Winnie to clean them quickly. And I threw them into the wash again right before the guests arrived. You did? Phew. So you washed the sheets first, Scott? With ammonia. Yes.

I do it every time. I just apply the ammonia to the blood stains and they come out overnight. Except this is a new product, remember? The ammonia didn't get the stains out. And then, Winnie, you wash the sheets after with bleach. Yeah, why? Don't any of you clean your bathrooms at home? Uh... What does this have to do with our death?

Well, if you ever read the little label on the back of cleaning supplies, it tells you not to mix any cleaner with another. You know why that is? Because things that contain bleach and things that contain ammonia do not work well together when they mix. I don't even want to smell it now, let alone with my face under it. What happens when you mix them? Bleach and ammonia create mustard gas. The stuff they used in World War I? Exactly. So we made... Mustard gas.

A highly corrosive concoction that, when inhaled for even a small amount of time, causes dizziness, drowsiness, and eventually, holes to form in the lungs as the air corrodes them. You all killed each other. Mystery solved. Well, this fucking sucks. And Annie had nothing to do with it. Well, she did kind of have something to do with it. If Plum wasn't so pissed about Annie...

He might have paid more attention to the sheets. I was not mad about Annie. You sound mad right now. You told me to wash the sheets again. I didn't tell you to use bleach. I'm just gonna... Give you all a minute.

Hey, Crowley. It's John. I've identified the source of the smell of the sheets as toxic levels of bleach and ammonia. The victim's lungs confirm the cause of death. Check the stories with who washed them and we'll probably have the verdict. Thanks. And regarding... And I just wanted to say... Never mind.

Dying to know how we made the show? Check out our free director's commentary episodes at patreon.com slash howidied. Or if you're in the mood for something a little lighter, we made a comedy spinoff series following Mike and Ray at the lab before the storm, only on Patreon. How I Died is an Audio Media original production, created and written by Vince Dijani, directed by Chroma Secura, and mixed by Eric Howell. This episode was edited by Chris Harris-Beachy, with sound design by Eric Emma.

Our theme song was created by Silent Mike. Starring me as John Spacer, Shana Waring as Sheriff Crowley, Luis Bermudez as Eric Mendez, Vin Vox as Dr. Kim, and Caitlin Roberts as Amelia. This episode guest starred Daniel McLean as Mustard, Chris Harris-Beachy as Plum, Kylie Zimmerer as White, and someone as Joy.

If you're enjoying the show, please head over to your favorite podcast app and give us a rating and a review. It really helps us out a ton and we definitely appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time. Alright girls, this is the place. We'll get everything loaded over to the boat and we'll lock up the truck. Don't leave anything behind. Wait, is that it? That's where we're going? Yeah, that's it. Seal Skin Rock. Wow. Return to the mysteries in Don't Mind, Seal Skin Rock.

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