S2 E12: Broken

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You're awfully quiet today. I have a lot on my mind. Anything you care to share? No. Are you feeling okay? Are you? You don't look so great. I'm... Coming down with something. Take a sick day. I'm not that sick. Take a sick day anyway. Let's just both head out now. Very funny, Jonathan. It is flu season. Can't ever be too careful.

Have you spoken with Amelia recently? No. Are you okay with that? Why wouldn't I be? She was someone close to you. And now she's not. And how has that affected you? It hasn't. Have you cried? How can I answer that? If I have cried, it's affected me and you'll want to talk about it. If I haven't cried, I'm not dealing with it and you'll still want to talk about it. So, which answer gets us to move on?

It's something we should talk about. Fine. No, I haven't cried. But it's because I'm not upset. I'm not avoiding dealing with emotions. There just aren't any to deal with. So she didn't mean anything to you? I don't know what she meant. Did she make you happy? She was a distraction. Distraction from what? When she and I started seeing each other...

It was right after I'd screwed up a case. So you sought comfort in another person after you made a mistake. Interesting. Don't say that. Say what? Interesting like that. I know it just means you want to say something, so say it. Which case was it? A few months ago, a farmer was killed. Ah, yes. Sheriff Fran gave me copies of the closed case files. She suspected it was an accident, which it was. I'm guessing you suspected murder. That's what I thought. You see foul play in everything, don't you?

Why do you think that is? Because there's always foul play. Just not in that case. Not in that one, no. You're from Baltimore, correct? I'd imagine foul play is pretty common with deaths in the city. It's just different. So you were wrong. It didn't impact the case's outcome. Why were you so upset? I don't like to be wrong. Does it happen so infrequently? No.

So why this one specifically? What was the significance for you? I don't know. Could it be that the last body part you found let the case open and you were trying to redeem yourself? I thought Crowley only gave you the closed case files. Everyone's heard about Stephen Bauer. That was a talk of the town for months. Until your incident. We never found his body. I couldn't do anything else on that case. Fine.

Fine. We'll move on. If Amelia didn't make you feel better after your initial mistake, then what did? Nothing. I was wrong about that case, but... Because of that, I figured something else out about another. About the purple bodies? Yeah. What's making you so obsessed with those cases? There's a mystery, and I'm going to find out who's behind it.

Even though Sheriff Fran had repeatedly said there wasn't a case there... She believes me now. Does she? Very interesting. And there's that word again. Other than solving cases... What makes you happy? Proving people wrong? Surely there's something else in your life. You should find something outside of your work that brings you joy. Joy? Yes. Happiness.

A feeling of freedom from anxieties. Joy. I don't know. I'd like to bring up a topic that I think will be difficult for you. As opposed to how easy the rest of our meetings have gone. Medication. I'm not on any medication. I stopped taking ibuprofen a week ago. I'm talking about medication you're not on.

I'd like to suggest trying a low-dose anti-anxiety prescription. No thanks. You won't be a zombie or anything. These would be the right mixture for your body, just to reduce the amount of stress and negative emotion you place on yourself. I'm well aware of how they work. Ah, yes. You were on fluoxetine for quite some time in your past, right? Ages 14 to 18? And then Emsom for panic disorder. And then? And then I stopped. Were they...

ineffective. Excuse me. They weren't treating the right problem. What was the right problem to treat? I don't know. But you do know they weren't treating it. My therapist back then just wanted me numb. Of a past trauma? Is there something you want to ask me? Do you have something you wanted to tell? Depends what you got out of my patient file.

We don't need to discuss. We do need to discuss it. Either you know the whole story or you don't. I'd like to hear it from you. Give me a hint. I received your medical history paperwork, but nothing else. No notes from any previous therapist. So that means you are inferring that I experienced some trauma based on my previous medications? And on your recent actions here. It doesn't take much to pick up on cues when you're anxious.

Did you experience some trauma? I'm sure you did your research. That part is public. I did. But I want to hear it from you. Which is not going to happen. Why not? It's important for me to know how you interpret what you went through. I interpreted it as a terrible situation for a kid to experience. That's it. And that's how you've dealt with this? I get it. I'm broken. I didn't say that. Oh, it's been implied since our first session that Crowley mandated.

Therapy isn't about fixing what's broken. It's about growing and healing. Okay, fine. Healing what's broken. Have you been working on how to react to people, like we've discussed? Yeah, can't you tell? You were showing improvement. What's changed? I learned some new information. Care to share? No. My throat's bothering me. Would you like something to drink? I'm fine.

I learned a lot of new things too, by the way. Can I play something for you? Can I say no? I'm going to play it anyway. Let's take a listen. I'm sure you'll recognize it. Why are you playing this? Because we need to talk about this day, Jonathan. We've been dancing around it. Well, let's keep dancing. You dropped off this tape purposefully, so you must have wanted to talk about it, right?

No. I thought you just might want to hear it. Why is that? Why did I think you wanted to hear it, or why did I drop it off? Both. I dropped it off because I... I thought hearing how the actual situation went down with Curtis might change your opinion. Why? What do you mean, why? I'm afraid in this recording. It's like watching a video of a mugging.

Did you share it with Sheriff Fran? No, but I didn't know I had it. I wasn't even aware the microphone was all enduring. So you discovered evidence to help clear your name according to you. But then you decided not to share it with police, but rather with me first. You're the one clearing my name. To work. Not legally. Your case is still open, correct? Technically.

I'm going to have to share this with Fran. That's fine. It's okay to be upset while listening to this. I'm sure it's hard to hear. Have you had any anxiety from going down in the lab? No. No increase in heart rate when you open the door or dread about coming into work? No. That's good. Fantastic. Then why does it sound like you don't believe me?

Because whether you want to admit it or not, this was a traumatic event and trauma affects us. Do you have any tissues? I'm starting to tear up. I do, but I don't give them to my patients unless they really need them. I thought handing over tissues was like 83% of what therapists did. No. That's something you only see on TV. Real counselors know that by handing you a tissue when you start to cry,

I'm essentially saying you should clean that up and stop. And that's the opposite of what we want. I wasn't really asking. I know. Can you tell me about this bit? What bit? Here. Why? Well, it's incredibly lonely to be dead. She's glad she has another person who's paranoid and delusional. And he thought the dead woman was... Becca. Right.

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You tricked Curtis perfectly here. You said Becca was still alive in the room. I was feeding into his delusion, like a hostage who plays along with the captor. It was quick thinking. It's what saved me. And gave you the chance to strike. Like I said, it's what saved me. On which stab were you safe? The first? The second? The eighth? No. Do you want to listen? No. Do you regret what you did? If I say yes, can I go back to work? Most likely, if we continue working on your anger. I don't.

I'm trying to help you, Jonathan. I've heard that before. Well, you haven't heard it from me. I feel like I should have. You know what I mean. Please continue. Why do you not regret what happened? I didn't say I didn't regret what happened. I said I'm not sure if I regret what I did. I saved myself in a moment of fear. And you killed someone. I had to. Did you think stabbing him was necessary? I think so. How about stabbing him nine times? Was that necessary to survive? Let me ask another way.

You don't regret what you did. Do you think you could have handled it differently? How it played out? I'm not going to live in what-ifs. Next time you're face to face with a person with a gun pointed at you, let's see how well you talk them off a bridge. Were you aware that Sheriff Fran was the one who saved you? Not until recently. Has that changed your relationship at all?

You mentioned she believes you about the purple bodies. That's because there's actually a killer. Or she now feels closer to you and wants to help. She signed me up for these damn sessions. Because the other option was to fire you outright and keep you unemployed in Springfield until your court date. You should consider that a favor. Great. Now I owe her two. Have you noticed that you're more cordial with her as well?

Yeah, but that's because... Have you been having trouble sleeping? I barely slept before. Does that mean you're not sleeping now? Jonathan...

Anxiety and guilt are all normal emotional responses. Fine. We can try something else. How were your sleep habits and stress levels after your father killed your mother? Wow! Is this how therapy is supposed to be helpful? You're saying what I did is a byproduct of experiencing a death as a child? You seem so nonchalant about this one that I can only assume that you deem your mother's death equally inconsequential. She was not inconsequential. There you go. Let it out.

You want to yell at me? Yeah. What's stopping you? A favor. Anything to drink now? Still fine. Did you see your father kill your mother? No. Did you see anything else? What else would there be to see? You tell me, Jonathan. I walked in on them. He was roughing her up. But I didn't get the sense that he would... Kill her? Yeah. Do you blame yourself? Why would I blame myself?

No reason? You're asking for a reason. Fine. You said your father didn't look homicidal at the time. So to me, that means that somewhere deep down... You think your interaction with them prior to your mother's death may have been a catalyst for increasing your father's rage. You got all of that out of a single comment? Just like you glean information from a particulate.

And Fran finds an inconsistency from a perpetrator's alibi. So now you're a detective for emotional baggage, huh? I'm sure Crowley would love the metaphor. Jokes aside, you can't blame yourself for what happened. I don't. You saw physical abuse as a child. And experienced it after she died. So then you've got to see how that's affected personal relationships with Amelia, with Fran, and even with...

The dead. What? What do you mean? I'm referring to Curtis, but also your profession. Oh. You killed someone and refused to let it affect you. Your mother died, and you refused to admit it affected you. You chose forensic pathology as a profession. You choose to surround yourself with death.

Even if you always wanted to become a doctor, there are plenty of specialties where you could have helped people, prevented death, made people happy. Like psychology? You chose to stick yourself in a dark lab working with the dead. What made you do that? I don't know. Finish the sentence. I chose pathology because I... What do you want me to say?

Do you feel like you deserve to work alone in the dark? Is the lab the only place you feel you're worth? Are you saying pathologists are undervalued? Because if I do end up staying, I'd be up for a raise. Are you chasing after ghosts here? Trying to find the answer to your mother's death through solving others? Is this really supposed to work?

You just pose one theory after another at me until I, what, snap and tell you the truth or run out of witty comments? There doesn't seem to be a chance of that last one. Yeah, not likely. I'm trying to find meaning in your life, Jonathan. Meaning that I'm sure you know, but would be helpful for you to hear. I know my meaning. Then what is it? If I already know it, then why does it matter to you?

Because I need you to express it. You've got rage inside of you. You've got sadness and shame and you're only expressing one of those. I don't feel any- Your meaning is to make a difference. To solve crime to prevent future ones. That's what I was trying to get you to say. You need to say it out loud. You need to acknowledge your current position. Because you failed, Jonathan.

You failed your mission by killing someone. And that hurts you. So you lash out. But it's okay. You need to realize that failing is okay. Dr. Kim, can I talk to you for a second?

We're in the middle of a meeting. Is it urgent? I wouldn't be interrupting if it wasn't. Sure. Jonathan, give me a minute. Maybe five to ten. Don't leave. Regardless of how much it seems like the perfect opportunity. I had a different opportunity in mind. You had to have notes from your time at Springfield. Where are they? I know they're not going to be digitized. Sketchy assholes didn't want their work to be tracked. Damn it. That's probably where they are.

Anything, anything. Huh. A medicine cabinet? Lots of medications. Chemo bags and pill bottles? Odd. There's some old patient files in there, too. Whoa. Very old. I see Ray and Mike Melba. Alex Mendez. And this could be interesting. Nothing on the bubble, and I don't see any mention of projects at Springfield. Just a bunch of other notes, and wait... Roger Benhoff? That's RB?

Arby as in the pathologist before me? Distrusting, paranoid, and self-destructive tendencies. Benhoff showed hesitation toward doing what needed to be done. Reluctancy to sign off paperwork and increasing feelings of anxiety and guilt. Prescribed antidepressants. What the fuck? There's a note on this page. Stop the leak underlined. And then his obituary. Roger Benhoff's suicide, in quotations. What are you doing?

Is Kim coming back? Is that a patient file? You need to leave. Dr. Kim is stuck with a patient in the psych wing, and they won't be back before the end of your session. Of course they won't. Can't have any more whistleblowers in the psych wing. Excuse me? Nothing. Tell Kim we'll talk soon.

How I Died is an audio media original production created and written by Vince Dijani, directed and edited by Chroma Secura, with sound design and mixing by Eric Howell. The How I Died theme song was created by Silent Mike. Starring me as John Spacer. Shana Waring as Sheriff Crowley. David Dixon as Curtis. Luis Bermudez as Eric Mendez. Vin Vox as Dr. Kim. And Caitlin Roberts as Amelia. Thanks so much for listening. And until next episode, try not to die.

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