S2 E05: Like Pulling Teeth

The Warning Woods has haunting horror stories that are sure to linger with you long after listening. I'm Miles Treidel, writer and narrator of The Warning Woods. Each week, I write an original scary story and share it with you. If you're into scary stories, you need to check out The Warning Woods. Listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Just search. for The Warning Woods, and click play at your own risk.

Jonathan, hello. I figured it was better than having you bombard me in my lab again. We have a guest. Oh, I'm sorry. Why did you invite me in if... I could only presume he was a doctor by his lab coat. He motioned in the direction of where my body was. Funny, really. That's precisely why I paged you.

Is this some sort of intervention or another targeted way to try to get me to open up to you? Actually... Who are you? Let me guess. I've mishandled a case of a loved one and you're here to berate me about the importance of being sympathetic. Or about how my anger has blah blah blah blah blah. This was just sad. I would have loved to respond or tell the man who I used to be.

I guess it's all a little too late. What is going on? If you could please stop speaking, I'd love to explain. Sure. Fill me in. This was Jimmy. Was? Another person too blind to see the truth. If only they'd listened while I was alive. Maybe someone could have helped. Jimmy is dead. Audio Media presents How I Die. Don't understand. You've got a body in your office? Did he just die? Um, are you... Did Fran already fill you in? Fill me in on what? On the plan.

I'm so confused right now. While Jimmy was alive, he had Cotard Syndrome, or Walking Corpse Syndrome. He thought he was dead. Up and up, until he actually died, of course. But I'm being naive. There wasn't anything they could actually do to help me. So he's not actually dead. He just thinks he is. Hey! Hey! You don't look dead. And trust me, I've seen a lot of dead. Stop that. Knock it off. This is serious.

The seemingly idiotic doctor continued to wave his hands in front of my corpse. Like I would be able to see him. It's hard to believe this guy was actually licensed. Rude. He really thinks he's dead. He is dead, Dr. Spacer. If you get my drift. Right. Why does... Did he have walking corpse syndrome? While he was alive, I mean. Jimmy was a long-term resident of the Springfield General Psych Wing. Are you telling me we have a mental ward? Hardly.

And we don't use those terms anymore. It's just another part of the hospital, but we treat people with non-physical ailments. Jimmy became my patient recently after he tried to overdose on some of his medications. Sad that I keep hearing... Tried to. If only they realized that I had succeeded. So he thinks he successfully killed himself. Are you sure we should be talking like this in front of him? Despite being dead, he certainly seems to hear us.

The Hotards is a rare delusion with a wide range of triggers from extreme depression to medical error to brain damage. And which does... did Jimmy here have? A severe case of depression and underlying untreated psychiatric condition. So, why do you need me here? To take him down to your exam table. And... Dissect him, of course.

Now I'm even more confused. Let's walk. I'll explain. Do we need a gurney? I asked to have one brought down earlier. Okay. And how do we get him on it? You pick him up. You can't be serious. Watch. I'll roll the gurney up and lift Jimmy's body onto it. I'm moving now. Who knows where they'll take me. Oh, so he still helps. Okay.

Down to the lab, I guess. And what's the plan here? The plan is exactly like I said. You're taking Jimmy's body through your lab to examine for a cause of death. Cause of death. Exactly. If Jimmy were alive, he'd be able to tell us what's wrong. But since he's not, we'll need to determine the cause of death. I know it means very little now because he's already deceased. But if we know, at least we'll have some closure. Closure. Right.

You know, I do have real cases to deal with. I knew this guy had an attitude from the moment he walked in. I have a job to do. I cleared it with Fran. But I do appreciate your help. Yeah. Fine. Plus, it'll be a good way for me to see how you handle a case. This is hardly a case. Is that why you did all of this? All of what? This whole song and dance.

Is figuring this out even more important to you, or is it just to observe me work? I can't believe you'd suggest I do anything like that. That's not a no. We're here. So we are. Welcome back. Oh? What's going on? Ah, the pathology lab. I guess it's ironic that after all these years of being on the other side of the table, I'd finally be the one getting examined.

What? You can't mind what he says, but do me a favor, Jonathan. A quick aside. Another ghost? Yes! Hello! I'm here! Can you hear me? I'm going to take a seat on this, if you don't mind, and pull up close to the table. Just run through like a normal procedure as you would, but obviously don't cut him open. Am I really supposed to fake all of this? Not so loud, but yes. I need you to pretend to determine the cause of death.

And how in the hell am I supposed to do that? Guess? My plan is that by immersing Jimmy in this experience, he'll be more open to discussing the things that are actually bothering him. So this guy is actually alive. And you're performing some sort of mock diagnosis? Couldn't you just pretend to do this somewhere else in the hospital? This is a clean lab. I'm going to have to sanitize everything and I won't even be doing a real surgery.

He knows this place, and you're the pathologist. And you're the psychiatrist. I shouldn't be helping with a psychiatric disorder. We'll call this a medical consult. Or a show of good faith, as it were. Which I would say you need right now. This lady is not afraid to hold her power over your head. I like her. God damn it. Seriously? We should get to work helping a patient in need.

Whenever you're done throwing your angsty teen hissy fit, of course. Give me... give me a second. I have an idea. Annoyingly. What are you looking for, Jonathan? I've got a... a divider. Somewhere. A divider for what? Just let me find it. I'll show you. John, I know you probably don't want to acknowledge me when someone else is here.

But you gotta admit, this is a funny-as-hell situation. Curtis, really? Now's not the time. I think now is the perfect time. You're frustrated that manipulative shrink is back. I love her! Odd. I've seen enough of these procedures to know that the use of a divider was abnormal. Yeah, Dr. Kim. I prefer to use the divider because I can't bear to look at the victim.

While examining the contents of their stomachs or pulling out their organs. My save. I'm just going to set this up. If we could get the patient or the deceased's body flat. Here. Seems strange to me that a death doctor can't look at the face of the dead. But if he's able to tell Dr. Kim what killed me... then I don't really care what quirks he has. Oh, you have no idea, buddy. Actually, since he thinks he's dead, how ironic is it that he can't see me right now? Or can he? That would be a twist.

Could everyone just be quiet? I didn't say anything. And since I'm the only one you can hear... I'm gonna put on some operating music. Just like I always do when I operate. I thought that was just surgeons. Postmortems are surgeries, in a way. And besides, listening to music is supposed to help concentration. I know. I do music therapy all the time.

I just didn't peg you for a classical music kind of guy. I love it. I know that was hard for you to say, but I really don't mind this song. Ah, the old boombox. The memories of this place just keeps coming back. What does he mean, the memories? I have no idea what you're talking about, Jonathan. Because you don't want to tell me something, or because you really don't know? Are you always this paranoid? Yes.

I'll just get to work. What is it you're doing? I'm going to cut away the deceased's clothing to examine his torso for anything that would point to an obvious cause of death. I would doubt it's something external like that. Well, it's a good thing you're not the one performing the autopsy then, huh? Damn! The sass! At least you're getting into it. Just don't actually... I know. You asked me to do this, so just let me do it. Thank you. I appreciate it.

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But you don't have to be a parent to listen. If you like surprising, funny, poignant stories about human relationships and, you know, periods, The Longest Shortest Time is for you. Find us in any podcast app or at Longest Shortest Time. I don't see anything external that would jump out as a cause of death. And he wouldn't either. I wasn't bleeding or beaten to death, obviously. That's a start. It seems like it.

Let's continue the exam. Next, I'll be checking the stages of decomp and the effects on the skin. Stage of decomp, huh? That's a good point. I'm surprised the doctor isn't wearing a mask now. I'd imagine the stench of my body sitting out for three days would be almost unbearable this close. Three days? What happened three days ago? I guess that's for me to find out. So, what's up with the narration?

I don't know what you mean, Jonathan. Oh, come on. Personally, if I were dead and floating around as a ghost, I'd probably be talking to myself too. Just about what's going on around me. You have no idea. I get it. It gets incredibly lonely, especially when you're not around. Ignore me, John. Don't ignore me! Any luck? Any luck with what? I'm just... The body is showing signs of being in a damp environment, indicating that he could have been somewhere with a lot of moisture when he died.

I knew this doctor was a hack since the moment I met him. Okay. You know what? I clearly died in my bed. It wasn't until hours later that someone came to get my body. It wasn't peaceful. Much the opposite, in fact. But at least I was finally free. I don't understand. You said he stays in the hospital. Stayed, yes. Whatever. Stayed. So, whatever he thinks killed him is here.

Apparently so. And how is this supposed to help him exactly? Consider it a form of therapy. I know you don't believe in the effectiveness of talking through one's problems, but a delusion can often be worked through if the brain realizes the delusion cannot be real. So you want him to realize that he didn't actually die and just have him snap out of it? That seems like pseudoscience mumbo-jumbo. Think of it like a story. We all tell ourselves stories, do we not?

Now, if the story you tell yourself has continuity errors, what would you do? Perhaps question the validity of the details? It seems like he's just questioning the validity of my medical degree. Where did you do your residency, Jonathan? Why? Just curious. While you're examining the body. Hopkins. Oh. Baltimore? Yeah. They didn't offer you a job after?

From your record here, you seem to be a star medical examiner. I wanted a change of scenery. It wasn't anything else? No. Interesting. Did you kill someone there too? I'm just trying to concentrate on the exam. I appreciate the dedication to the role. If I'm being honest, this is a last-ditch effort. Oh, make-believe isn't a widely used tactic in therapy.

Roleplay is a vital piece of cognitive behavioral therapy, yes, but our sessions haven't seemed to help Jimmy's depression. Neither has altering his medication. And, sadly, the only option left if this doesn't work is ECT. Shock therapy? Electroconvulsive therapy. We don't call it shock. But you would zap his brain to try to fix him. What is this, 1960? ECT has proven results, especially with fringe cases like Cotard's.

Not that you should be questioning my practice. I'm not the one under review. Oh, don't worry. I haven't forgotten. You make it very apparent. Didn't you say you normally record these sessions? I have. But this is not a real... You should keep it up. Recording yourself talking is usually helpful when it comes to sorting out your mental state. I'd recommend recording most of your thoughts aloud. Yeah. Trust me, I do that. Or...

I used to. You still owe me those old recordings. Oh, man. I never did find out what you recorded. But maybe someone else will.

I would play those tapes to the world. I'm going to analyze the contents of the stomach. Finally, the incompetent doctor stumbles upon some real, useful evidence. Useful evidence, huh? I'm seeing... What am I seeing? Since Dr. Kim is here, I'm hoping that both of them will notice that the pills I've been taking aren't the ones that I've been prescribed. What? What color pills are you seeing, John? No. Enough. This is insane. I'm supposed to be on sertraline. Small yellow pills.

But recently... Recently what? It's a shame that I'd never be able to tell Dr. Kim about the abuse that happens in our wing. Perhaps I should have reported it earlier, but maybe... Just maybe the multitude of different types of medications in my stomach will prove to her that something is wrong. Abuse? What kind of abuse? Jimmy!

Who is abusing you? The orderlies are dosing the patients? John, please calm down. Why are you not worried about this? He just said the staff, your staff, are abusing people on your ward. We don't know the validity of his claim. It's not the first time someone has reported something like this, and it's been a cry for help rather than the truth. Please continue the exam. No, I'm done.

I cannot believe you right now. Jonathan, continue the exam. You need to leave. I played your little game and we found your answer. But apparently it's not what you want to hear, so... Jimmy... I'm going to move Jimmy's body back on the gurney now and... Well, there goes my intestines. Oh, come on. Jonathan. I'm sewing up the deceased quickly and... done. We can move him now. I'm not leaving.

I'm not doing this anymore. We just had someone confide in us that they're being abused by people in this hospital, and you sat there without batting an eye. I don't think I need to remind you to watch how you speak to me. Screw it! And screw this whole charade. If you want to deem me unfit to do my job, then do it. But I'm the only one in this room that's trying to help Jimmy right now. The angry doctor was right.

We'll never find any justice if those who can help turn a blind eye. Maybe the cycle will continue. I will look into it. Let's just keep the conspiracy theories between us for now until I can get some concrete evidence. Fine. In the meantime, please gather your recordings and bring them up to me for your next appointment. Wow. Intense. I bet you have a lot of things you'd like to talk out right now. I'm all ears. What are you doing? Are you...

Actually going to hand over your old tapes? No. I'm gonna destroy them. Smart move. Where are they? This is... This is where I had them last. Do you think someone moved them recently? I haven't seen anyone down here without you in months. Months? Months. No, no. No, no, no, no, no. They're gone.

There's only... Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck indeed. The gig might be up, Doc. Crowley.

How I Died is an audio media original production created and written by Vince Dijani, directed and edited by Chroma Sikora, with sound design and mixing by Eric Howell. The How I Died theme song was created by Silent Mike. Starring me as John Spacer. Shana Waring as Sheriff Crowley, David Dixon as Curtis, Luis Bermudez as Eric Mendez, Vin Vox as Dr. Kim, and Caitlin Roberts as Amelia. This episode guest starred Curtis Montalbano as Jimmy. Thanks so much for listening. And until next episode.

Alright girls, this is the place. We'll get everything loaded over to the boat and we'll lock up the truck. Don't leave anything behind. Wait, is that it? That's where we're going? Yeah, that's it. Seal Skin Rock. Wow. Return to the mysteries in Don't Mind, Seal Skin Rock. Subscribe now to catch the premiere, and we'll see you on The Rock.

Hey, it's Hilary Frank from The Longest Shortest Time, an award-winning podcast about parenthood and reproductive health. There is so much going on right now in the world of reproductive health, and we're covering it all. birth control, pregnancy, gender, bodily autonomy, menopause, consent, sperm, so many stories about sperm, and of course the joys and absurdities of raising kids of all ages.

If you're new to the show, check out an episode called The Staircase. It's a personal story of mine about trying to get my kids school to teach sex ed. Spoiler, I get it to happen, but not at all in the way that I wanted. We also talk to plenty of non-parents, so you don't have to be a parent to listen. If you like surprising, funny, poignant stories about human relationships and, you know, periods, the longest, shortest time is for you. Find us in any podcast app or at longestshortesttime.com.