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And so I did something that I wish I never did, and that was just blocked it.
If you don't deal, it's gonna break you. It's gonna happen eventually.
And it would have been better for me to have done it when it happened rather than let it build. No matter what people say or the situation that you were in, that it's not your fault. Hi, guys, welcome to Hope It's Real Season three. I cannot believe I'm even saying that. It's so crazy that I was able to do one season, let alone all three. It has been a wild adventure and I am so insanely excited for the season. We are sitting down with some phenomenal
people from all around the world. We've got everyone from Bobrooks, from the Janoskians.
If you're a millennial then you know that name.
To just some phenomenal people that have lived through some crazy stories and come through the other side. And there's always this This podcast is designed to help you feel a little less alone, a bit more inspired, and as
always a lot more hopeful. And I really think that season three is going to be a really big anchor for that and so I'm really looking forward to it, and for this very first episode, it's a bit of a special one and it's something that I've been wanting to do for a long time but needed to find.
The right time and the right space to do.
So this episode is going to be a little bit different. I am going to basically be flipping the script and I have brought in someone that a lot of you will know. If you follow me on social media, i'll follow my story, you'll know Genevieve Moore. She's the co founder of Voices of Hope, one of my very good friends. And this episode, we're going to be talking about things that has happened for me over the last few years
that I have not yet talked about. And there's a lot of reasons that I didn't talk about it publicly when it happened. But it feels like the right time now to be able to do that, and to do so from the position that I'm in, from the perspective that I have. But it's not something that I wanted to do, just kind of talking at you all. And so Jen was kind of there through all of this
and she saw it all firsthand. So I thought that it'd be a good idea to bring her into this episode and have her basically, like I said, flip the script and she's going to be interviewing me. We're going to be more so just having a conversation. But I think it's just going to enable me to be able to talk about this rather than just talking straight to a mic into a camera. But talking to someone makes
it a little bit easier. I will give a trigger warning here that this episode will talk about sexual assault and it will talk about suicidality, and so if that's something that you feel like you can't deal with at the moment, or that might really trigger you, please it's okay to pause this episode now, take care of yourself. You can come back to it later, not at all, It's fully up to you. I'm going to welcome Genevieve more welcome to Hope.
It's a real the podcast.
Thank you so much for having me, And honestly, I know we've been friends for a long time, and I feel really to be trusted in a safe place to hold this conversation because I know it's not an easy conversation for you to have, but I think it's so incredibly important and I know for a fact that unfortunately a lot of your listeners are going to be able to relate to something that you're about to talk about. So thank you, first of all for being brave. How are you feeling.
I feel going to throw up.
I feel so nervous, I think because I just I haven't spoken about this publicly, but I just think so much of everything I've shared in my life has always been from the point of being so far out of it that I can I feel like I can talk about it almost attached, whereas this has been a lot more recent.
But I feel like it's so important.
So I feel ready and I feel honored to have a platform that I can have this conversation.
But I am very.
Nervous, understandably, and I think, like you said, you know you haven't rushed into this.
It's been something you've been thinking about for a while.
And I just know that people are going to be really grateful for the opportunity to listen to such a big part of your life. And I think you know, people will not be surprised to hear that over the last few years there's been some things going on behind the scenes, because I think in many ways you've alluded to some challenges that you've faced, and so to have the opportunity to dig deeper into it is something I'm again really grateful to be part of.
So let's take it back to the beginning.
Tell me from the get go, you had an experience, for lack of better word, while you were overseas that started a really really slippery slope for you.
Yeah. So it was.
It was a few years ago, and I was in a different country and I ended up in a situation where I don't drink a lot, like giver at all. I could literally count on one hand the amount of times I've ever been drunk. It's just not something that I do. I don't like that feeling of losing control
or anything. And there was one night that I was having like a couple of drinks with some people that I didn't know, and I remember I was being so careful about the amount that I was drinking because I'm such a lightweight because I don't drink, and I started to someone else started pouring my drinks, and I remember starting to feel really woozy and.
Kind of I didn't really know what was going on, And.
The night kind of went on and as the night continued, I just became more and more out of it, and that night I ended up being sexually assaulted again.
And I think, I think that the gain.
Part is what's really hard, because it's it was. There was so much of like how did I end up back in this situation?
And I remember.
My brain was like I could I knew what was happening, but my body couldn't move and couldn't respond, and I didn't know if I'd been roofeed or if something.
I didn't know what was going on, but I couldn't move and it was so traumatizing as that is, but at this point.
I was also so in the public eye, and yeah, I didn't know how to deal with it.
I remember.
Like later that night, after I was by myself, I was in the bathroom just on the floor, like losing it. And at that time, like I wasn't on birth control or anything, and I remember having I was like crap, like I I don't know what to do, and so I ended up the next morning I messaged my doctor, who I do have a good relationship with that now not not doctor Stiff, it's it's the doctor that I now see, and almost like point blank just being like,
this is what happened. I need to like, I don't know what to do, and she was like, we're going to get you the emergency peil. I was flying home that day, but I wasn't going to land in time to go to the pharmacy, so I had to get someone to go pick up the pill for me.
But yeah, that's that's what happened.
And there's obviously a lot more to the story and kind of the aftermath that we'll get into. But I had alluded a while ago that there was like a traumatic event that I went through, and I just remember the comments of people being so like, well, why would you say that and not like not tell us what it is and stuff, And it's because it was so hard for me to.
Say I didn't at that time. I really hadn't processed it.
So yeah, yeah, it's absolutely awful, and I think, like you said, almost retraumatizing. I think, you know, a lot of people, especially people who listen to this podcast, will have a really good understanding of your story and your experience and things that happened to you when you were younger. So I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that was to re experience things that had happened in the past, and in terms of you know, you talked about afterwards feeling, you know, shame, blame.
You taught me through some of those sort of feelings and thoughts. I remember.
There was a couple of people who were very close to me that I ended up telling that this is what had happened.
And I remember sitting there and just I was a mess.
I was crying and I said kind of similar to what I just said, of like I can't believe this happened again. And one of the people were like, what do you mean again, And I was like, I was
sexually assaulted again. And this person just said, I don't know if you can call it that because you chose to drink no, and that as someone who like this person was so close to me, And I was like, I never wanted that to happen, and I know that, and the place of advocacy that I'm in, like, I know that that's not true, but hearing that from someone
that I respected and that I loved broke me. And I remember I was on the phone to my theory Piston, just like losing it and then realizing I can't I can't deal with this because so many people are watching me. This is going to break me. And so I did something that I wish I never did, and that was just blocked it. I went on with my life pretended it never happened. And in my mind, if I did that, then it would mean that I wouldn't have to feel
everything attached to it or experience it. And so I just pretended that everything was fine and that it never happened.
Yeah, and we know that that's not a problem solving namism.
No, And I know that now, like I think you knew that then. I knew that then, and.
I still I still did it because I just I don't I can't even explain it, just that I didn't see any like I Actually I was talking to my therapist not too long ago, and we were doing MA therapy, which has been life changing and it's so wild how
it even works. I can't even comprehend it. But she was saying that she realized that I have this massive tendency to block sadness as an emotion, and that if I get remoly feeling sad about something in my own life, I will block it because previously those emotions have led to me not wanting to be here. And so I think when this was happening and there was still so many eyes on me and I was still having to do so much work and all this kind.
Of stuff, that I just I didn't want to feel these emotions.
I was so scared of what it was going to do, where it was going to lead, that I was like, I just have to block it. I can't let it in, know, But obviously it didn't didn't work.
No, absolutely not, And like you said, you know, you know that now and you know that then, But it almost just shows how deep the trauma was. And I think, you know, we tell people all the time through our work the importance of speaking up and sharing what's going on. So I can't begin to imagine how invalidating it was to share something that you felt so shameful of which you shouldn't because it wasn't your fault.
To then be.
Told that it was your fault for the lack of better words, you know, and it most definitely wasn't, but that just adds that shame burden, and I imagine made sharing that with anyone else perhaps more difficult.
I don't think I did.
I can't actually remember when I told you it was a while after, yeah, because I was just so like I was just like, well, that's what everyone's going to think. And I think that's also what silenced me, was that I was like, everyone's going to think that, and it's so it's so wild because I like, I think I was drinking gin and I had three with the tiniest like I don't.
Even like the taste of alcohol.
Like that's why I was like, I'm so sure that I was like something went in my drink or where someone was poor, but I it was not a feeling that.
I had felt before.
But I still because someone said that that shame and like that I did something wrong here, which I think is really important for me to admit that that's how I was feeling because becaus me as an advocate who shares these stories, a lot of people just think, you know, have it all together, or like you go through something like that and then you just immediately like I didn't know how to come back from that, and so bearing it seemed like the best option because if everyone else
thinks the same thing of me, like, then it's just gonna solidify these beliefs that I now have that it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me and that I let that happen.
And yeah, I think.
There's also that added like complexity for you, like you said, having such a presence on social media and being an advocate for mental health that, like you said, everything has to be perfect. And so when you started alluding to the fact that something had happened but not giving detail because you weren't ready, which is absolutely understandable and fine, the backlash or the feedback from people would only have added to that pain that you were feeling.
Yeah, and I think I was really struggling with it because the reason that I even chose to allude to it, which people will be like, well, why would you say it if you weren't ready to.
Talk about it.
But at that time, it was post Trees Riilan, which we're going to talk about soon anyway. But it was my way of trying to tell people, You've got no idea what's going behind on going on behind the scenes when you're saying these horrific things to people on social media. And I was getting crazy messages like you don't know, you think you know what you see on a screen, You've got no idea. So That's what I was trying to allude to and kind of show people without telling everyone what it was.
But then people win at me for that as well.
But you also can't win because if you had switched off from social media, We've seen it time and time again. You know, when you were on CCI and weren't able to be on your phone, people start thinking the worst and wonder where the heck you are. So you in some ways had to give somewhat of an explanation. And it's entirely in your right to share what you want to share on your social platforms. Yeah, why now, why have you decided to talk about this now?
I've been doing a lot of therapy and I think that I feel I'm in a much better place now, and I feel like there's just so much things that I learned from it that I think it's really important for people to.
Know that they're not alone in it, and that.
Going through something like that and not responding the way that you think you should is normal, and also to say that blocking it out doesn't work. Like everything that I learned in that process, and the reason I want to talk about it is so that people might be able to learn that faster than I did, because it just doesn't like it gets to a point where it eventually comes up and it explodes, and that's what happened
with me. And I think that for people to understand that they're not alone in that, but also to know talking about it is the best thing. That it's not your fault, That no matter what people say or the situation that you were.
In, that it's not your fault. And that I think that whole.
Kind of idea and perception of when you go through something like that, that you feel like you did something wrong or that this is something that only happens to me to understand like I'm literally an advocate, like this is what I'm known for and it happened to me.
Again, that it can happen to anyway and it should never.
It should never, but that it's yeah, like like you've just said, and like I know to my core now that it wasn't my fault and it's not the people that have gone through this.
It's not your fault.
No, But I think what comes with that is a lot of stigma and lack of understanding, which again is so good that you're sharing this now that you feel ready to you know, obviously that was an incredibly traumatic incident, and I imagine something you continue to work through in many ways, because, like I mentioned, and you've said, I
imagine it retriggered some things from your past. What would you say to that version of jazz, you know, if you go back to that I don't know that next morning, when it was all very freeh.
Wsh, I would say, talk to someone now, don't wait and everything that we've just been saying, that this isn't your fault. And I think, with the foresight that I now have of everything that happened and unraveled, like the thing I felt I needed to do to survive at that time was to block it out. But it didn't do what I was hoping it would do. That find
the right people to talk to. But yeah, Like I'm such a visual person and I often struggle with that in therapy that if I have a flashbout, like a memory of something, I see it really vividly, And I still can see myself on that bathroom floor just losing it, Like it's so vivid and all of the emotions and everything that came with it. But shat that girl on the floor, she survived it. She survived the aftermath and
it's going to be so hard. But also it's another thing, I guess to help people feel this alone.
Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't have to go through something like that to be able to help people. No, the fact that chosen to she's a lot about you and you're incredibly resilient. So you know, like we said, this was a little while ago now, but it's still fresh
and you're still navigating things. I think there were a few other things, you know, throughout the time, in the years gone that have made things, you know, tricky in different ways, and I really want to talk about some of those moments too, more specifically your time on CTI and how that impacted your mental health because Jazz, it was the first time in a long time that I
was incredibly worried about your safety. And I know there were a lot of other people out there because doctor Steph and I were in text comms and all someone had been checking in on you. You know it. It was a terrifying thing to see as a friend and as someone that loves you.
Can we talk about that.
Yeah, I think there's two pieces too that there's what happened when I was filming the show and then the aftermath of it, and what you're referring to is the aftermath and the what I what I will say is that during the filming was the very first time that I didn't have the distractions that I had had outside of the island with my phone and kind of everything else, like the business, and it was the first time that I was forced to face what had happened to me,
and so in and of itself, that experience was so kind of tied to that where I couldn't really escape it. And at night that's what I was kind of getting splashbacks and it kind of all it all came crashing on me. So that was really difficult. But then as the show was airing, there was a kind of storyline that was put out that did not happen, that said that I was threatening people with a social with my social media people, which which is actually so stupid when you think about it, like it's just.
Not like one hundred.
There was a conversation of like, if anything happens, let me know, like this is you know, people on social media.
It's a different ballgame, like it's wild.
But I mean, because there had been all of the stuff going on behind the scenes where I was forced to face what had happened. I had just gone through a breakup, which was also tied to like there was so much stuff that I already felt so much self hatred, to be honest, and then you see, like.
I remember the day.
That the episode aired, I was sitting at my friend Jane's house and she basically had to take my phone off me because I turned it and I just started to see these comments and these messages just coming through of horrific, Like it was so it was so horrific.
You were terrified. I remember that. I mean, it's nerve wracking.
I imagine seeing yourself on TV, let alone seeing yourself on TV and then seeing the public responding in a way that's really unkind yep.
And I remember my therapist saying that in that time, like because I already was so significantly struggling, which no one knew, no one knew, no, no one knew at all, and she was like, oh, you were, like, what has happened is all of these people that are saying these things to you, it is solidifying and confirming these beliefs that you already have. So you've been looking for evidence of it, and now suddenly it felt like the whole
world just tend to turned against me. And I remember having to get on a plane the next morning and fly straight to Sydney.
I mean, I was at the airport. Someone came up to me and.
Was like, you effing bitch to my face, and I was like, so I taken off guard and was like, what is going on? And then being away from everyone as well, and having to get up and speak.
It was so hard.
But it was the first time in years that I did not want to be here anymore. And I remember getting to the point, which is so so hard to admit, especially now knowing the life that I do have and the people that are so phenomenal in our community, but getting to the point that I rewrote my will and I wrote out letters for the first time in years, and like, just doing that was so I just remember
being like, how did I end up here again? And everything I was seeing was just how much everyone hated me, and I hated myself, like it was horrible.
But I remember sitting in my therapist's office.
And this was the day after I had rewrote my well and done all these things, and I remember you had sent a message that came through in the middle of therapy, and it was another advocate in the space who had taken their own life. And I literally just remember your words. You were like, this is so insanely sad. I can't imagine everyone that found hope in his story how they massed feel And I just read that and immediately snapped back and was like, oh.
My god, like I could. I think I was really.
Hard to see the hundreds of thousands, the millions people that support and are so there when all you're seeing is this horrible star. And I was like, well, ever, like it's a perfect time to go, right. I feel like I'm canceled anyway. And people have to understand that was a result of so many things, including this assault that it happened.
There was just so much stuff.
But then I was just had this turning moment, and I remember sitting there with my therapist and being like, look at this thing. Jen just messaged me and she just looked at me and was like, and that's so crazy, because like I haven't heard that. And I also I had no idea where you were sitting in that moment
and where you were at with your mental health. Well Yeah, you didn't know what was going on at that To that extent, I knew things weren't good because the way you'd been communicating or lack of communication, had been very very clear, and obviously there was people in your life that were checking in, and you know, I was hearing things from other people, but.
I didn't know in that moment how dire things were. And I hope in any way that didn't provide any sort of what's the word the way I worded things.
You don't want to feel like it's all your responsibility, But I think you know what I was trying to say in that moment, without realizing where you were in your own journey, is that you know so many people are inspired by you and look up to you and love you all parts of you, not just the healthy, thriving jazz, but the jazz that struggling and need some support. And I just want to come back to those messages quickly, because I've seen some of them.
I can think of one email in.
Particular, think of the worst thing you could say to a human being, and times that by ten it was the most vile, disgusting, horrific, should be illegal, probably is illegal. Piece of writing I've ever seen in my life, and so I can't begin to imagine the effect that had on you. And I think what we were really trying to do those in your support network. We're sharing messages
that had been really positive. But I can understand that when you're getting you know, lots of positive messages, but also many as awful as this, but that's all you focus on.
I think I really just felt like I had let people.
Down, and that I had let all those people that do support us down. And I think, I mean, I think I've struggled for so long anyway too, like the guilt of the fact that I am still here and so many people aren't and who said I could do this and be this for like why why me?
Like why? And I struggle with that for so long.
And I think that it's so normal for humans to focus on those negative things, Like you can see a hundred good comments and you'll focus on that one bad thing, or like interactions with people and people are saying, you know, you notice on that one thing that you said wrong, and you're like just marinate on that for so long.
It's marinate, that's probably and that you're just like you'll think about it and you will like. And so I think that's what was happening, was that.
I had all these beliefs and these things that had built up, and then no one that was sending me these messages or these comment It's new the battle that I was facing. And I think that is another reason why I wanted to share the story now, is that social media and bullying is such a huge thing, Oh my goodness, and I mean there are websites dedicated to bullying people on social media and it's disgusting. And I think that people just need to be so freaking aware that you have no idea.
As much as you think that you know, you've got.
No idea what's going on behind the scenes, but even with your friends and like the people in your life, you've got no idea what people are facing. And kindness will always overall that, but you've also got no idea when the thing you say is going to be the tipping point, which you know, some of those comments and messages that I got were a huge part of that,
and I felt that the gravity of that situation. But I do remember, and I feel like I'm just quoting my therapist, right and Cinder here she's great, she's great, Chatasha her recently, but she was saying because I was expressing that, I was like, I can't believe I've ended up here again, like this is this is so scary, and she was very scared for me as well, but was just so phenomenal and was like, you, you need to understand that these feelings are the same, but your
response is different. Huge like it feels and it didn't feel different because I was writing the leaders and I was doing the things, but this time I was still asking like I was speaking up earlier. And there were times I didn't want to go to her office and she would have to drag my ass there because I would be like, no, not today, but every single time I went, and that was also an active choice that I had to make, where she could drag me as
much as she wanted to. But at the end of the day, like I had to remember who and what I was fighting for, the same things I did so many years ago were tools that I had that I had to kick back in and I wasn't in the same position.
It was different, but also it made sense, and I think.
That's what really helped was understanding that my response and my behavior, it made sense, like considering everything that I happened, and that had been my default for so long. I didn't know how to feel these emotions and experience them without not wanting to be here. And we had a few like quite big breakthrough moments where I was just sitting in her office.
And lot absolutely lost it. And then after.
Twenty minutes I was like like.
Oh my, and I was just like whoa, what happens?
And she was like, you can feel these things and it doesn't have to push you over the edge, like it's okay, and I was like whoom like and obviously that's like guys every time, but realizing that it ebbs and flows, and just because I feel it doesn't mean I'm gonna be stuck in it forever, which is what I'd always been so afraid of, not even.
Realizing that's what I was so afraid of.
It's almost about learning to sit in that really uncomfortable obviously with that support around it.
But you speak about all the time all the time, but it's hard, and like you said, if you're if your history is shown that you know you struggle to do that, of course that's going to be the way things go.
But I think you know what you've also realized through this process, which is something I also say all the time, is people can only help you with the information you give them. So you choosing to bottle up and be quiet and not share, which yes, might have been something many people would do for one reason or another, ultimately didn't help you.
In the end.
It was when you opened up and you said I need help, I'm not okay. That's when the change started to happen.
Yeah, And I think it's so important for people to understand that on so many levels. But I think the reason even for me coming forward for it now is that I think that's what a lot of people who might be in high impact jobs or like parents, or are living these busy lifestyles where you.
Just think, I don't have time.
And that's kind of how I felt as well, was like, I literally I don't have time to break.
But unfortunately that's gone. If you don't deal, it's gonna break you.
It's gonna happen eventually, And it would have been better for me to have done it when it happened, rather than let it build and build and build and build.
And then get to the point where I'm writing a will again.
That should have never happened, but it did, and I think, you know, giving myself that.
I handled it.
What I thought was the thing that was going to keep me here, but obviously my way of handling it was also the thing that nearly took me out right. And so yeah, learning that whole thing if people can only help you with the information you give them, and having those conversations, and I was able to one of the most incredible people through this was someone who I won't name her on this because she'll be she hates
any sort of recognition for anything. But my old supervisor, yes, who just phenomenal and was really good at kind of combating the comments that were said. But that only happened when I shit them shared it. Otherwise it was just this one sided perspective that I had of like, this is your fault. But when I was able to talk to someone else and explain it and they were able to be like no, I was like, oh my gosh.
It was one heck of a journey being I guess a support person in your life and a friend. And I'm so glad that you've the garden or you're deep in that healing process. But where are you now? How have you got from there?
The therapy has been a big thing, but I think really just going back to my why and my purpose, which I've always been so strong on anyway, as to why we do this and the people that we get to impact. And I think what was so hard in that time was that until I made my statement, all I saw was the negative stuff. And so I think what can often happen in a country like this that's so tiny is that you then feel like the entire
world hates you. And I think it didn't help going to the airport and having that person come up to my face and say that, because then you do feel like physically everyone is against you, but that's just not the case.
And I think being able to.
Go through the process of feeling the emotions and riding it out as hot freaking was and then realizing like I'm okay and going back. I had to do so many speaking events in the middle of this, and it was so freaking hard, and I remember having to do a schools tour. We were at a school and it was so hard. But then I was like, I gave you an hour. I was like, we can cancel it, and then seeing all of these kids and being like that's why, like this is why, and this is so
much bigger than me. But in order to do this, I have to put myself first and I have to do the hard yards. And I don't think I did like work like properly for months, which I will say as a privilege to be in a position to be able to do that.
And to be able to just like, but you didn't have capacity.
I had zero capacity to do anything other than no, I couldn't get out of a beard half of the time, Like I was literally like I like, I don't know how to function. And but and that's when I got put being on anti depressants from this as well, which was also a huge thing because then I was like,
oh my gosh, I'm going back and mailed everyone. Yeah, and then my friend Jane was like, girl, like, it's literally the same as you needing to get like midsphere physical health, like you're fine, and I was like, yeah, I know, and I know this, like I literally preach this, and I think that's been That's also why I wanted to share the story and be like I still like people often will put us on this pedastool of like, and we've often been like, oh my gosh, like if
we've had to get to the back to the point of being put in a psych wood, which by like I was.
Like, oh no, no, like, don't put me back there, don't do it.
But I was probably quite close, and there's.
Nothing wrong with needing that help.
But I think having the ability to go in and just be open and honest and having a therapist who I trust with my life, which has been huge because I've never had that before. I've never had someone that I've clicked with like, and that has just been like I've felt safe enough to kind of just be like, this is all of me, here's everything, and it's.
Been really it was really really helpful. And also I mean my dog.
Was a big distraction, lived belly who was crapping everywhere and I having to clean up at two am. But I think going back to those basics and not being afraid to go back to them and being like, Okay, this is right now, this is about keeping me here.
And then after that it was like, Okay, now it's about fighting to get out of this mindset, and it's about rerealizing the mission the purpose, and also that I would still I think what's been a really big thing and a really hard thing is that for me, and I think for both of us. But I know for me, this blew up so fast, and I felt like ever since I when I went to film school, I've been on this trajectory that just never so it just kept going.
And I think it's really easy to not to not that I lost myself, but I think that you begin to not know who you are without all of this, all the stuff that's going on and the crazy busy work, and I think people often find that even in the normal jobs, like but also not being given the space to process confront things.
What also happened to.
Just be And so I think being able to step back and be like, I'm like, I'm loved without this and that's really it's a really like it could be confusing people to hear, but I think I understand now and I'm nowhere on the scale of these people, but I understand how actuabal celebrities can get to the point when you have thousands of people every day telling you how much they love you, but they don't know you, and then you know, it's so hard to be like,
but you don't, you don't know me, and then you think that maybe people only love you for the things that you do, but not who you are. And so I think having your identity being wrapped up, and so I think you're having that space to just know who I am and know that I could be okay with all without doing the stuff, and I could step away.
I won't because I love it so much.
And every single person that we get to meet, which is we get so many, so many people, and I think on our last tour, I probably hugged like a thousand of you, Like there is sootal evidence, so many out but every time, like I'm such a hugger and just being able to do that, I'm like, this is this is the why and so and I've always been so big one, like it's really hard to fight if we.
Don't know what you're fighting for.
And I was so lucky that I've had the perspective of knowing what it was to be healed and that unfortunately I just had to do the process again and I probably will have to do the process again. But we've always been so aware of this being a potential right. We've had these discussions of like, it's the same, not I want to compare it, but like, for example, someone with cancer, they go into remission and even if they get fully clear, there's still a chance that that will come back.
You've disposed to it, if that's something right world.
And it's the same thing this where I'm like, I've been aware that this could be something that could come up again, but it's about being pre armed with that, and I think I just wasn't at the time, and everything kind of took me off guard, and I just let it derail me.
You needed to read your own book. I did. I probably should have. I really should have literally have a tool book. I know I haven't.
I literally even read that sin side of the audiobook Slip Sick Brain Struggles.
But it's such a valid point. You know, We've had multiple conversations. I can remember one in particular. I think I was on the phone to you and I was at my parents' house and we were talking what was in person, but about the fact that there's almost this pressure, like you've said multiple times, to be perfect for lack of a better word, as mental health advocates who talk about hope and talk about freedom and how you know, great life is that we can't have moments of pain
and struggle. But actually that's not realistic. No, we're still human beings. And I think that's another reason why it's so important that you've shared this part of yourself, because it humanizes you. It actually makes the realities of facing into health challenges more normal.
Yeah, I think I've really noticed that, probably honestly, over the last couple of years of I always was trying so hard to make sure I was always speaking from the point of hope. And I think that's just because it's what I was always missing in my life for all of my struggles, that I wanted to make sure that that was something that I did. And I think that at times that came across as this perfect life,
which is just never been the reality. And there's always so much going on behind the scenes that people don't see.
And I think being able to have these conversations and I think I called you wanting to do this like six months ago, yeah, but being unsure as to how and when and how do I do this conversation, but knowing that the people that are in our community or people that are listening to this, or people that follow us online who maybe were doing really well and then dipped again to be like that it happens, Okay, it happens.
It's okay, We're all in this together. And there were times in that moment, in that kind of period for me, where I could not see my way out. And I think that's where I was so strongly reminded of the need for community and communication and TI who we go on tour with whoft and say like communication is one of the most important things in life, Like if you don't know how to communicate, no one knows what's going on. And I almost lost all communications schools. I literally stopped.
Replying to people, But how would people know what was going on then? And been able to let people in?
And I think I was just afraid of people seeing my mess and seeing me like that, because, like I said, I felt like I had failed and that I had failed the people that had trusted us, and I had failed the people that followed us, and I had failed the people that were closest to me. And so my way to deal with that was to just block everyone out.
And do you know what you've probably done.
You've probably actually validated a lot of people's experiences through sharing this and made them feel of it heck of a lot less alone, but also given them hope that, you know, one of the common things will here is this narrative around I've had a relapse or a blip in the road, or I've you know, gone through something you know again and now I've failed, I'm back to
square one. But reality is, like you've said, you know, you went through something again that you never should have, but this time you had more tools and skills and probably resilience to overcome that, even in the moments it didn't feel like it.
Yeah, And it's the whole thing of not realizing your own strength. And I think that a big thing that I have always tried to focus on, especially with the amount of people that will come up to us and be like you saved my life, as putting that power back in their hands and going all we did was say hey, there's another option, like you were the one
that's did all the hard work to stay. And I think for myself and all of those moments having to go back and be like Jazz like that when that you've been through this last time, it wasn't all because my relationships have changed and people around me have changed, like so much has changed, but the one thing that hasn't changed is me. And I thought it last time and it wasn't anyone else that got me through it at the end of the day. Other things helped one hundred percent, but I had to do it. And I
think that that related so much to this time. Where as much as it felt so similar, I didn't act like I obviously started to do the process of it, but I think I did the process knowing I wouldn't actually do it.
I don't think at any point in time. I mean, I don't know. I don't think I could say for sure.
And I think you know, because of my ADHD and the impulsivity as well, like there was definitely a chance.
But you were able to intervene. Yeah, I think that before it.
Yeah, something more Yeah, and been able to then identify it and look at in the face, whereas twelve year old Jazz absolutely didn't have no she would have run already. And I think after you sent me that message and I was in therapy, I made a commitment that I was like, there's no way, like I will not as
much as I want to, it's not happening. I'm not gonna I refuse, and it was such a game changer, and it's like, I feel so horrif it to even talk about it like that, because that was such a horrific situation that happened and the loss of this beautiful life which should have never happened. And I think I could have had the same realization without that. I think it was just the message of in the time, how many the timing and the message of how many people that have found hope.
And it wasn't it wasn't a guilt.
Thing, but it was a realization of like the impact that I've been able to have and the privilege that I've had in the platform that people have given me, and the trust, yeah, the trust and to the inn And I think it's important like that everything I was feeling at that time was justified and it was so and it was so hard, but I had a responsibility to to fight through it that I could have this conversation so that I could say, like it's possible to do it all over again, and it's so hard and
it's so draining when you're like I'm back here again, Like hard did I hand up here again? But it is like what you said, giving that grace to yourself and going like jazz like this was horrific, And there were so many other things in my life that had fallen apart at the time, and obviously I went through a very public breakup, which was kind of and to weave with what had happened overseas as well. When I began to realize like I was really struggling with physically anyway.
I had a smilar thing.
Even when I was on Dancing with the Stars, I kind of realized that like when my partner Brad, who was so he were so great with me and would have to like be super close to me and I would freak out.
I just thought it.
I was like, uh, like there's a video of I had to put my hand on his chest for something, and literally it was supposed to be like that, and I just had like claws out, like I don't want to touch you. And so even that kind of carried through. And I don't know what people know this, but that was my second relationship. My first one was actually also when I was in the public eye, but I'd never posted about it, so no one even knew about it.
And that didn't last very long.
And then yeah, I have my my ex was my secondary relationship, and having that public and then having the breakup, which also then had to be public because people were coming up to me on the street and being and this was all like around idtrs. You were getting messages like there was just so much happening that people didn't know.
And I could have been honest about it when it was happening one hundred percent, But I also I was aware of the position that I have and the responsibility that I have that I didn't want to free people out in the fact that people would freak out if I'm off social media for like three days and they think that I've you know, done something or something's happened where it's like okay, it's like yeah, I don't even.
Well, no, if you shared at that time where you'd be going against everything. We sort of talk about the importance of going through you know, that healing before because you can't rush that process. That's not to say, ef yone's going to go and share this story publicly after they go through something traumatic or challenging, but you know, you had to give yourself that time.
Yeah, And I think it's also important to acknowledge, like it's a never ending journey I think in regards to like learning and seeing beliefs that come up, and even like recently with this crazy stalker situation that had burned, which was absolutely bonkers.
It's been a big episode. I know, this is so much. I mean, this is so much. Update you a lot. It's just so crazy.
But the reason I wanted to bring this up was that, obviously, for those of you who haven't seen it, basically man fluid from the Netherlands, man sending scary messages, man found my house. I had the criminal forensic behavior specialists from the police contact me and be like, here's what to do,
worst case scenario. But what I recally know, I don't even know if I've talked about talk to you about this, But it was another thing that kind of came up that made me go, man, this is a forever kind of going journey where obviously I was terrified for my life in that time, but what was more scary for me was me going, oh my gosh, I've put everyone else that are closest to me in this position where everyone is at.
Risk of being hurt, and that was so hard to acknowledge.
By what was so I think has been so how do I don't even know how to word this, But because of what I went through with the assault, the way I dealt with it, and that I didn't talk about it, I went got my ass straight back into therapy as this happened, and I thought it was literally like two days later me and my therapists were doing emdr on the specific trigger points of that and being like, oh my gosh, these are like the beliefs that I had and grain when I was younger, of like being
a burden or making other people's lives harder that had then come up later yourself again, Yeah, what to then come up through Treasure Island and then having this moment have been able to really nab that and acknowledge that that was the thing that had happened. And it was amazing how much faster I was able to kind of come to terms with that belief because I chose to speak about it than I did for the length of
time that I said nothing about what had happened overseas. Yeah, And so I think, like, you know, it's a process that you just are constantly learning and growing, and I'm so I would never wish that experience on anyone. I wish one hundred percent that it never happened, but I
learned some very important lessons. And I also think just seeing the community and the people around me, like are so so amazing, and I'm so thankful because I think growing up the way that I did, you still believe that everyone's going to leave you at some point, Like that's just kind of is ingrained and it's really hard to get rid of that. But I think it was just so testament to like you've only known. I mean, we've obviously had a rocky relationship podcast to say the least,
but we've stood the strength of time. Like it's been so I actually, when I was doing the post this morning with the photos and was thinking.
About I was like, my godsh we got connected like sixteen years ago. We're so we're.
So well, yeah, it was ridiculous, but we've like really we've come to the point now that we're such good friends and being like, oh my gosh, this other belief that I had isn't true. But in order for me to see that, I had to be here. Absolutely yeah, And I mean, I'm I'm thankful that I'm in a position now where I feel like I can talk about this and and.
Share it and been able to do so on my own platform.
I think is really helpful because it means that it's not kind of getting clickbaited out and whatever, but being able to kind of have the ability to do that and have this conversation, especially to do it with someone who saw it firsthand.
Unfortunately, you saw it all with a breakup.
I saw it all people coming up to me when we're at some event and the public breakup hading on public. Yet people coming up to me asking like you really saw it all, and yeah, now we get to sit and chat from a place of you not freaking out.
Yeah, I just want to come back to what you were saying.
And you know this, this belief that people are going to leave you, and I think joke's on you because I think you know everyone in your life's sticking around. I think you don't give yourself enough credit for how amazing you are and what you bring to other people's lives by being here.
And so I'm not I'm going to get a motion.
I'm going to cry again, but on behalf of myself and the voice of FOKE community and everyone that's listening to this podcast. Thank you for creating such an incredible platform where you inspire other people, but also taking the courage to speak about something that has been incredibly challenging
for you to navigate. Because I think it's tenstament, testament, marinate, whatever the word is, our testament to your strength, but also your your heart and your desire and your hope and your belief that whatever you're going through you can
get through. And so I guess I hope that anyone that's listening to this is reminded once again that the world is a better place with the minute, as Jazz always said, and that you know what you're going through right now is something you can continue to heal from and it's not your fault.
As we wrap up, just want to say to people that.
Are feeling the way that I felt, and feeling like the world is going to be better with them in all or that this pain's never going to.
End, It's just it's not true.
And as much as your situation and your mind and everything around you might be making you feel that way, your external reality, it's just so different to what you internally are trying to believe. Our message that we always say is that the world is better with you in it. And I think that it's really hard to believe that when you're in the middle of it. But the world is so much better with you in it. And if you can't believe that right now, someone else's world is
better because you exist. It's literally on the back of my T shirt right now, my sweaty T shirt onto these podcast lights. I can smell it from here, honestly, probably can't you just smell me down the street.
That's not something that we just say so flippantly about the world.
And I also, I think again the twelve billion reason why I wanted to do this episode is for people to understand the reason that we say that.
It's something that we wholeheartedly believe.
It's not just a term that we throw around or that we're trying to use to make people feel better like.
It's the truth and every story that we get to share through voices of hope, all the people that have lived out their darkest moments and have seen light outside of it in all different aspects, in all different ways like recovery and light doesn't look like having this huge platform or anything like remotely like that, but just waking up and being excited for life again, or going out and seeing the sunrise and being like wow, I'm so And I had moments like that even when we were
at the Jonas Brothers and I was just sitting there watching you live out your childhood dream and being like I nearly missed this, like what. And I had the same moment at the Pink concert. I was at the Pink concert, and I think that's moment that we'll ever be so ingrained in my brain. Was standing there as Pink's just like flying around the stadium and looking up and looking I just started crying. And I started crying because I was like I'm here, like what.
And I just have those moments over and over and over again.
And you will have those moments too, the people that are listening to this, even if you don't feel like it now, like you'll have a moment of like, oh my gosh, I nearly missed this.
We have no idea what's to come, no.
Idea at all.
I mean, I didn't know this whole situation was about to come.
But then there was more hope after that, and there was more life after that and more experiences after that.
And the rollercoaster was wild. But I'm glad I stayed on. I'm glad you stayed on too.
Yeah, so thank you so much for coming on and for having this conversation with me. I really thought long and hard about how I wanted to have this conversation and share about these stories, and I really couldn't think of a better way to do it than then come on and do this with you. You've been literally by my side since I was the same height many years ago, younger but social standing and standing on ust all at the same time trying to get in the damn frame
with Jin. But no, I'm so thankful to be on this journey with you, and I'm pretty sure you've been on every season of this podcast, have honor.
This is a very different one and will be.
A very different episode, like I said to all of the other episodes to come. But I do want to say if anything in this episode has brought anything up for you or has triggered anything for you. I know I say this every episode every season, but it's because it's so true that the bravest thing you can do, as we've learned from my story today, is talk to someone, anyone.
And if you don't know where to go to helplines.
We've got a list of them on our website, Voices of Hope, dot organ here, an altered or in New Zealand ones even three seven, we've got youth Line. We've got so many people that are available to talk to you and been able to do that. Now is the strongest and bravest thing that you can do, because help unravel the things going on in your mind. And it's such a cliche saying and problem problem shared is a
problem halved, But it's just as true. While that doesn't make the problem go away, it does make you feel less alone in it and everything that has happened that may make you feel like a burden or that you shouldn't be here, it's not your fault.
There is hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Please keep going and remember that in all things, hope is real and change is possible.
I'll see you guys next week.