many areas with 99.9% dysfunction. That's what we're talking about with pornography. It's at the top of the continuum of what is known as supernormal stimuli. It gives the brain very high levels artificially high levels of dopamine that a system's not meant to deal with. So I'm able to see that on the QEG brain map. I'm also able to see people who watch too much YouTube.
I have many clients that are there just for screen addictions, where you know, like you said, they go to watch YouTube but it's four hours later and that still damages the brain.
Okay, my friends, how often do you spend time on this device, or any device, and find that you're looking for one thing and then you are doom scrolling or you're caught in a world an hour later, two hours later, and you're like what happened to my time? This is not uncommon, right? And we wonder is this an addiction we have?
But it's not just the word addiction, it's what you're addicted to and how it impacts your brain, and I have not done this topic yet, and I feel like this is really important, as we spend a lot of time in this digital age online. How is the internet impacting our brain?
So where else am I going to go, other than renowned cognitive neuroscientist and brain performance coach, dr Trish Leigh, who not only focuses on this, she wrote the book on it called Mind Over Explicit Matter Quit Porn Improve Intimacy Through Neuroscience. And we're not just talking about pornography. I don't want us to think we're going there, but it is an area we're going to cover. I don't want us to think we're going there, but it is an area we're going to cover.
We're going to go into screen addiction, interpersonal dynamics and that ability to really remove yourself and give you tools to spend less time on the internet and see how it actually is impacting your brain. This is a heavy topic.
Yes, it is, yeah, yeah, and it's one that impacts everybody, and most people don't know what to do about it, or first even, you know, have self-awareness around it, then figure out what to do about it. So I'm very glad to be here.
I'm curious, as somebody who works in this area, what really got you into wanting to focus on this?
It's the good old fashioned. You know, necessity is the mother of invention where in my book I talk about how someone that I care about I figured out that he had a porn addiction. And I would love to dive into the word addiction for a minute in a second because, you know, I think a lot of people don't relate to that word, especially as it relates to their screen consumption.
You know, they know they're on their screens a lot, but for my friend and for many people the word addiction doesn't resonate. And then for some people it resonates too much and they think they can never, you know, balance their use of their screens and step away from content that they're watching that really is harmful to their brains. So, long story short, someone I care about. I was already working in cognitive neuroscience. I have a practice.
I was mostly working with people with neurodevelopmental challenges like ADHD. I was working with people with anxiety, a lot, all the symptoms of screen addiction. So when I found this out I was actually perfectly poised to dive in. And then, if it wasn't impacting me, I would have been only fascinated, because it's fascinating what it does to people's brains and lives. But of course then, because it was impacting my world. I also was terrified, and I was terrified for people.
So that's where my mission was born about a decade ago, when I pivoted all my work into screen addiction because I'm like I have to sound the alarms. Nobody is talking about this, like nobody's talking about it at big levels when it comes to pornography, nobody's talking about it at smaller levels when it comes to our children and their consumption. So we can run the whole continuum here and we should, right, and we're not just blaming one app.
Right, a lot of people are saying you're spending too much time on TikTok or Instagram, and I'm not looking to throw these under the bus because they are helpful and they can be a resource Right, but it's when we're spending so much time and where we're going that even the everyday soccer, mom or just you know, the kids learning, using it as a learning tool with something that they're doing in school, can take you on a course that can really have a heavy impact. Is that correct?
Yes, and if we're going to blame anything which I don't love the concept of blame but if we're going to go there, if we're going to point a finger, we need to point it at dopamine dependency. And that's why you know the word addiction doesn't resonate. But if you recognize the thing you're doing, when you need to take the edge off whether it's bring your stress down or fill some boredom just check out of your actual existence for a little while.
That is the thing that has the most dopamine for you. And I did a podcast a while ago and the person I was talking to caught me off guard because she's like what's your dopamine dependency? Thankfully, I'm very balanced, so I will start there. But in the times when I work a lot, it's really funny because I will feel the pull and it's Poshmark and puppies, which I think is so ridiculous. But that is it Like. When I was editing my book, I was on the grind.
I hadn't been on a deadline like that in a long time. So on a deadline, I could not just stop and take the typical breaks I would give my brain. So I would go to my phone and open Poshmark and look for Christian Louboutin shoes, which are amazing. And dopamine, you know, fulfilling for me. Or my dog's getting older, so my family and I are always looking at puppies. I'm like puppies in Poshmark. It's just so ridiculous. But that for me is what's filling that dopamine hole when I really need some.
You know is at play here.
I love that you bring that up, because it doesn't necessarily have to be something negative. It doesn't have to be something that is like what you talk about in your book, which is the pornography or the hypersexuality or the addiction because addiction is a scary word. It actually could be something as lighthearted as looking at animals, which a lot of people do. I mean, we're seeing so many people creating accounts dedicated to animals and that's that's a feel good, a warm and fuzzy.
but it's dopamine right.
But how long are you going to stay there is the question right. So can we go into that that? When you talk about dopamine dependency, this goes back to the brain scans, what brain mapping we'll call it that. I want you to elaborate on that and how the screen impact really is something that you love to focus on and what you're offering really as part of your practice.
Yeah, sure. So the unique aspect of my work and my passion is that, and what perfectly poised me, like I was saying, is that my work for a very long time has involved using QEG brain mapping, which now I have my own app and there is very easy to use at home hardware. So when I work with people, they purchase affordable hardware that I show them how to use long term, which is really cool.
Then they download my app and they take their brain maps at home and I'm able to see all the areas that literally have dysfunctional brain patterns. We're talking about brain dysfunction and yes, I'm totally comfortable using that word, just so you know, and it's not hyperbole these are dysregulated areas of the brain. Some of the people I work with when it comes to pornography addiction many areas with 99.9% dysfunction. That's what we're talking about with pornography.
It's at the top of the continuum of what is known as supernormal stimuli. It gives the brain very high levels artificially high levels of dopamine that a system's not meant to deal with. So I'm able to see that on the QEG brain map. I'm also able to see people who watch too much YouTube. I have many clients that are there just for screen addictions, where you know, like you said, they go to watch YouTube, but it's four hours later and that still damages the brain.
So I work with young people, 20 year olds, that are not able to go to school. They're not able to find meaningful work because their brains have been shifted into this mode that needs a lot of dopamine. And then the reason I use the word terrifying is if your brain gets used to so much dopamine feel good molecule, pleasure molecule, the molecule of motivation and more back to the thing that you got it from it leaves your brain in a dopamine deficit state back in the real world.
So for a healthy brain, there's dopamine in your work, there's dopamine in your hobbies, there's dopamine in your relationships. But that amount of healthy dopamine can't compare to the artificial levels and the supernormal stimuli. So people stop being able to go there because there's no joy, no enjoyment. So how do you know?
when to stop, Like that's. That's a big question. How do you know when to put this down and say enough is enough? And I know, I know there are apps out there that can alert you, but then we're just depending on something else to have a stop. So how do we, as human beings, who are using technology for good and for pleasure and whatever you call it, but how do we? How do we make that decision ourselves?
Yep, and you know how this goes like, especially if we're going to use the word addiction, like for many people, once you've gotten to the level of dependency, compulsion. The compulsion means you need to go to that thing to get the dopamine, because if you don't get the dopamine you will go through withdrawal and your brain will start to try to shift back to optimal, but you'll feel awful increased depression, anxiety, lack of focus. A lot of people can't do it.
If you're up at that point, self-awareness is very low and and the the recognition like going back to my book with my friend, like very difficult to say to yourself I'm dependent on this thing and that usually there has to be some really negative consequence for their wake up call. So, to answer your question, what I want people to recognize is that our phones are a very high dopamine source. You need to make that decision ahead of time, before you get to that point.
My son it's gorgeous where I live my son was at the beach with his friends yesterday. They all came back and it was really cute. I was talking with them Some of them I haven't seen in a whole year because they're back for summer break and we were chatting about the book and they were all telling me what they do to balance their screen time, which I thought was so cool. This group of young people.
And but, long story short, some of them had a defense mode, like you were talking about, like a card that you have to scan on your phone. Then one young woman she has an app where it only allows her to go on her social media for five minutes a time, five times a day. That's more of an offensive strategy. So I was, my husband walked in the room and he's like what's going on here? A seminar?
I'm like kind of an accident, like I didn't mean to mean to, they were just, but I thought it was really, really cool that they're trying, first of all. But there are ways that are more successful than the other. Because you don't want to be blocking yourself from your screen use, because then all you're doing is trying not to get the dopamine your brain wants where.
If you use more of an offensive strategy of okay, this is what my day looks like, this is what I'm going to take my screen time breaks. I'm only going to take them for five or 20 minutes, you know, keeping them at reasonable amounts, making sure you're living your life, quadruple the amount that you're on screens and making sure that your number one, two, three dopamine producing activities are real world activities. That's the. That is the name of the game, right there Passion and purpose.
If, if your listeners don't remember anything else, it's if you have passion and purpose in your life. You basically then can use your phones to accelerate that passion and purpose.
That is such a good point and it makes me think about how we feel when we have a sense of agency, when we are building resilience, and the fact that these young folks your son and your son's friends are choosing because choice is powerful, are choosing because choice is powerful to do something to make their day better, to, you know, to dive in when they need to, and then choose not to.
That's the self awareness. I give them a lot of credit at that age. I do too, and they are. They are an exception and I wanted to say this before, when you were, you know, providing the introduction on okay, you know our screens, how are you using it? It actually is the rule that people are not using their screens wisely these days. It's the exception, the people who are trying, and it's even more of an exception of the people who are succeeding.
And I say it all the time never before in history do you have to be a top 1% person doing differently than everyone else, which is difficult. You have to. You have to know who you are, and if we want to go deeper, I would love to go deeper is that we know. I've been working on my second book and I've been connecting a lot of the dots in the science and what I know is that you know identity formation is changed when you're on the screen so much you no longer know who you are on the inside.
We know this from science that when you're looking at what other people are doing and you're impacted by that, the consumeristic aspect it influences how you develop your own identity, and we will see a generation of young people with identity formation crisis.
That's heavy and that's the solution.
That's why passion and purpose is the solution. That's not me being fluffy. It's if you look at everybody else passively, what they're doing, and you become influenced. That's why the idea of influencers has been on my brain so much. Think about it Influencers. They're influencing a generation of people. Much of it is toxic. It's not healthy for people people.
So if you are going to use your social media in my program, part of the solution is you clean up all your feeds and you only fill it with people ahead of the road on the journey that you want to create for yourself in your life, because then they are influencing you, their GPS right on your way to your goals. And if you're using your screens that way, then that's how they accelerate. You know. Healthy dopamine balance Plus. You're just so fired up about your life. That's why.
That's why I really don't have a screen issue, except for the times I'm chained to my desk.
I actually do not like the term influencer because it just lends itself. It feels negative because when we think influencer, we think about some of the people out there that are creating content, and it's not so positive yeah.
And it's fake, it's artificial.
Yes, and then there's the comparison factor, and then that can really that can take us down a whole nother rabbit hole. I mean, I prefer the term in inspirer or something you know surround yourself. My dad used to have a saying surround yourself with people who massage your neurons. That was before I even understood neuroscience was working in this field or anything like that, and it basically means put yourself in a position where the people around you touch, move and inspire you.
Maybe they do different things, maybe they're not in the line of work you're in, but somehow, some way they are elevating you or supporting you to elevate yourself.
You know, and um, yeah, well, that's the old adage that you become the sum of the six people around you. You know? And now that is digitally. People have to be aware, like now that's digitally because a lot of people work from home. They don't interact with a lot of people in their workplace. So when you go online, that's part of the distortion too, is that people feel like they're building real connection to these influencers where there really is no real connection.
So intimacy completely breaks down. You know, whether that be pornography or on social media, what happens in the brain is because not only is it high levels of dopamine artificially high there's also false connection of oxytocin, which is, you know, the hormone that connects us to other people. So we have this distorted, fake intimacy happening for so many people too, and then people don't know how to build real intimacy. And we're talking about emotional intelligence here.
You know emotional intelligence is low for a lot of people now.
Or you see a lot of people on this device and they're sitting next to somebody on their device and they're talking with each other, or they're not paying attention to the people in front of them. You know, for a while I remember there was a, there was a challenge going around where if you're going out to dinner, everyone puts their phone in the middle and if someone picks up the phone they have to pay for everybody.
Oh, I love that.
I love that, you know.
I mean, there's so many ways and I love it, like with my friends. I went to my friend's house last night just for a little get together and I had no clue where my phone was Like. I went to go show them a picture and nobody had their phones around them.
You know, and and I'm going around like trying to find my phone, picking up all my other friends' phones which are nowhere near us you know, that's like the difference between people who are intentionally spending time together versus those who are need those dopamine hits from the phone. They would never put their phone down arbitrarily across the room. You know what I mean, right?
Definitely so. I want to touch on the book. We haven't touched on that yet, but first I just want to remind folks that are tuning in you know, if this conversation connects with you, if it touch, moves and inspires you, if you know somebody else who could find value in this conversation with Dr Trisha Leigh on HIListically Speaking, pay it forward. Let others know about it. This is a space to share, to feel safe and to be kind to your mind. So let's talk about the mind.
We have a new book, mind Over Explicit Matter, quit Porn and Improve Intimacy Through Neuroscience, and I want to just preface it by saying this isn't just about pornography or intimacy. This is a book that provides value in a lot of different ways, because we don't want to scare people away.
But yeah, okay, right, but this is a big subject it really is and the way I think about it is. This is complex, so it's very complex, much more complex than I could ever try to easily tell someone. But the the way that I think about it, the in the most simplified version, is that when it comes to screen addiction, screen compulsions in general, like I already told you, it exists on a continuum.
Pornography is at the top, social media or only fans, then social media, then short form, then long form video, and any particular person will struggle with you know something different, or maybe dependent Poshmark and puppies. But the idea is that there's a neurological component that's the piece that I was talking about that I can see in people's brains. We know from the neuroscience that the first time you're exposed to a super normal stimulus, it changes the way that your brain.
Time you're exposed to a supernormal stimulus, it changes the way that your brain needs dopamine. The higher the stimulus, the more it's hijacked. So I want people to understand at the core is a neurological dysregulation, but that does affect your mind, the psychological aspect, your body, the biological aspect, your social relationships that's a social aspect and the identity formation piece, which I think of that as the transformational or the spiritual aspect.
Depending upon a person's framework Like when you get done changing your relationship to dopamine through the screens you're not the same person. You don't live the same lifestyle that you did when you started. It can be nuanced just a little. It doesn't have to change drastically, but it is different and you have more joy, you enjoy your life, your relationships are better, you have more clarity, confidence, connection Like this is what we're talking about. It's a whole person.
You know this is an important thing that's deep but actually very systematic.
To get back on track, and you mentioned the word holistic, which means whole person, whole body approach. So this isn't just impacting your emotional or cognitive, it's also atomic, it's somatic, it's everything. And when we think about it that way, that it's not's not just well, it just brings me joy, and or I'm using it for my business. When you take a step back and see how deeply it can impact your everyday life, it makes you think again about how much time we're spending on it.
Well, it's insidious, it's insidious, and that's that's the part. You can't really see that for most people until it's late not too late, but late. And when it comes to pornography consumption, the the wake up call is erectile dysfunction or sexual arousal dysfunction, which is more than doubled in the last decade in young men. So, like a large part of my practice is helping people recover from, I call it sad because it is sad sexual arousal dysfunction.
So this is impacting couples across the world and nobody's talking about it. Talk about an elephant in the room that you know. So if that's a struggle, I would like to use that at least as kind of a top line analogy. That is the body breaking down and it affects the mind so much, you know performance, anxiety, isolation, avoidance behaviors, shame, guilt. When a person gets to that point, that's like the huge wake up call.
Maybe my screen time really is affecting me more than I was giving it credit. But then, of course, like if you go down to Poshmark and puppies, you don't, you don't see that because it's it's sneakier, it's it's more like okay, you get off your phone. Where you're looking at, you know you're looking for shoes, or you're looking at cute little puppies, and now, now you're, you don't want to go do the thing that you normally would Like.
You know it's time to go for a walk outside, but you just don't feel motivated. You don't track it back to that session that you just had on your phone, but they are related.
So another word for addiction could be distraction, a negative distraction. It might be a positive thing that you're looking at, but it distraction, a negative distraction. It might be a positive thing that you're looking at, but it's still a negative distraction if you find yourself going down the rabbit hole for an hour or two and then you have to go back to real life. You know.
Yeah, and in the literature they're talking about parenting now as digitally distracted parenting, and so you think about that, think about the intergenerational ramifications of that. You have a parent who gets sucked into their phone and then you have a kiddo who would. If there were no phones in play, the parent would be giving likely the kiddos on their technology too. So it's very much a distraction from real life and if there's parents out there who are going, you know this lady.
You know I need a break from my kids. I am the mom of five kids. I have my first four kids are all a year apart. I had four little ones, so don't get me wrong. I understand that pull dopamine has, but when I had my kids there were no phones and apps and things like that. You would just call on the phone. So you know I would give my kids chill time. And then, you know, as my kids are, they call them digital natives. It's the first generation of kids that grew up on phones.
My kids are the digital natives but, like, just inherently, I knew I had to give them some tech time. Then that was chill time. You know. I balanced it for them and taught them how to balance it themselves. So thankfully they're all really regulated.
Yeah, and learning from your own experiences I love that use the term digital natives. I haven't used that term since I was a professor of communications, but that's a really important term to know because we come from the other side, which is the digital immigrants, or maybe we're kind of a crossover Gen Xers. We're kind of like maybe a computer was around when we were in college but it was like C-Prompt, ms-dos. We weren't hanging out on it.
We definitely didn't have one of these things and you know our generations before us definitely digital immigrants there was no computer technology in the home. You know you were lucky if you had a TV and a radio, right?
Definitely. Yeah, my youngest daughter is 14 and she put me on Snapchat and I said to her I'm like this is so weird, but it actually is the epitome of self objectification to a certain point and of digital distraction, Because the point is to take a picture of yourself when you're having an experience and send it to somebody else. I'm like, but that takes you out of your experience, and what? I said to her too is I'm like you don't understand. I'm not bred to take photos of myself.
You don't understand, I'm not bred to take photos of myself. When I had a camera when I was young, the only utility was to take a photo of somebody else or something else. You couldn't even take a photo of yourself. So that is the difference between you know my generation, but I love the fact that you know she wanted me to be on Snapchat, so I understand it and and help her to balance how much she's doing that. You know what I mean.
Like, stay in your experiences, but that is a way to connect to people, so if you use it in a balanced way, you can connect with people in the way people are doing it now.
Again, it's agency, it's control, it's awareness, and those are the three things to understand. And I do want to mention to folks that, if you're interested in the book Mind Over Explicit Matter, quit Porn and Improve Intimacy Through Neuroscience, we will have all of that available in the notes of this podcast episode. Additionally, I do want to talk about your offer that you are doing the brain mapping and you do this numerous times. You offer this and you do this numerous times.
You offer this, but for those who are interested, you will review them personally if people choose to do the brain mapping with you can you talk about that?
what I am doing um, I wasn't doing it, but I am doing it again is offering personal consultations for people. I put myself back into it. I had some people on my team doing it but honestly, it's important that I stay connected to people because many of the people I work with they are sharing something that they've struggled with that they've never shared before. So I put myself back in. So that can be the first step.
If you know you're not ready to commit to a brain map because you don't understand it, you know I can help you understand the value of it. But the assessment is the brain map, and for a short time too, because the woman who typically does them is out on maternity leave. That meeting will be with me.
But the every person who does the brain map not only enjoys it but gets huge value out of it because it does set the the road on how you can regulate your brain, especially if you're struggling with anxiety, depression, if you feel any of that arousal dysfunction which arousal dysfunction doesn't have to just be in in terms of intimacy, it's. You can't get out of the bed in in the morning, you feel too tired, you can't fall asleep at night. This means your baseline arousal has changed.
You no longer feel calm and focused most of the time. You don't have the energy and the vitality that you used to for your life. That's a sign that your screen is impacting your brain. Energy, vitality, focus, clarity, motivation, connection those are the big signs and you don't have to struggle. That's what I want people to know. Most of the people I talk to in the consultations they don't believe me, that they that there can be another way.
And just to frame it to the program that I offer, after the brain map, I use my app advanced technology to rewire a person's brain. Use my app Advanced Technology to rewire a person's brain unconsciously. You don't have to think about it. It's not therapy, it's this technology rewards your brain for performing better, so that you can feel and perform better quickly. And then, of course, we add coaching those five things that I told you to it so that people can have lasting change.
But it's a four month program. So people have struggled with depression for 10 years or ED. Like one of my clients, ed for 10 years. Four months later, that man's feeling like a champ. Yeah, wow.
And what you're doing reminds me that it can really pair well with some of the modalities out there. You know, like anything where it's complimentary alternative medicine, other self-regulation techniques. I talk about habitating a lot and how habitating is a really beautiful self-regulation technique based on neuroscience to use in your practice.
Imagine having this and having your brain map and seeing like oh, I can use this and self-regulate and self-soothe or self-care it closes the gap is the way I've always thought about it because, you know, for a long time before I found this work using the technology, you know I was all about teaching people self-regulation skills. But then the reason I'm so passionate about this is I realized there's a big gap for most people.
So we try to teach them these techniques, but a very dysregulated brain, it's challenging to implement those self-regulation techniques. So when you close the gap and I tell people this all the time because they're like you know, do I need to stop my therapy or this thing, that thing? I'm like no, once we start regulating your brain, all the work you've put in there is going to snowball.
You're going to have a snowball effect because the brain becomes more regulated, which means it synergizes and it really does close the gap, like I've always loved Joe Dispenza you know, Joe. Dispenza's work like he's probably the only person that I fangirl over in terms of influencers or people who are inspirers. But even in his work, you know, I'm like like dr joe, you know you, many of the people just the gap's too big. You know they can't.
They can't use those meditation techniques because they sit down and and actually it's the reverse if you sit down with a very dysregulated brain, you'll actually ramp up your dysregulated brain pattern you know what I mean.
So it could be a gap closer for people for sure it's great, I love listening to dr joe, when I'm, when I'm doing meditation, walking, or just it's the first thing I he's just so easy to listen to, he is and everything that comes out is inspiring like I love.
The part I love about his work is thinking about, you know, how our brains and our heart coherence and a total body approach, and that you have to. You know this isn't just about brain regulation and quote-unquote. It's the impact that regulating your brain can have on your body and your mind and your connections. And the other thing I was going to say is that all of my work is measurable with data, and I love that about what Dr Joe does too, because he measures things with using EEG.
He measures, you know, emf and things like that. But when I work with a person, the brain map is basically the roadmap to regulation and then in that four month program, every single day, there's data for the person. They can see how their brain has changed within and across sessions.
So, especially if you've been stuck in a downward spiral, which is just another term for a neuroscience negative feedback loop, if you've been stuck in a downward spiral for a long time, when you know your brain is changing, it really lets you stay the course in creating the upward spiral.
Yeah, and this goes back to the idea of neuroplasticity. You know, 25 plus years ago, we didn't think the brain could change. You were given what you were given, and here we are able to rewire, create new pathways and and live in our optimal way of living. You know, and that's inspiring. Why would you waste that?
Exactly I know I remember I remember being at a conference and a huge conference hall probably like 30 years, 25 years ago, and listening to the speaker say that brains can't change after the critical period of development. And I remember then like I was young, you know, I remember thinking that makes no sense, but you know that's what the science was showing.
And then, of course, after that there's been so much science and the way I think about it is, most people are stuck in neuro rigid patterns without knowing they are. That goes to speaks to the self awareness. When you're caught in a neuro rigid pattern and you need your screen and you're using it consistently, you don't understand you have a compulsion or an addiction. You think it's just your habit to relax, no matter what you're consuming.
And then a challenge for your listeners is, if you want to know if you have a compulsion, a dependency, a quote unquote addiction, don't use your screens in the schedule that you're doing it right now For one week. Don't do your screen time the way you do it, whether it be pornography or whatever you do and see how you feel.
If you feel angry, irritable, if you feel more depressed, you feel more anxious, you can't focus, that is a sign that you are using your screens for high levels of dopamine and of course nobody wants to feel that way. So usually what happens is people get one two days in and they're like that lady's crazy. I'm just going to use my screens again.
I'm totally fine, you know it's, it's stepping into the tension of what's not normal to everybody, and so we need to do that, we need to constantly test ourselves. It's uncomfortable, but in uncomfortable and uncertainty, change happens, right Yep so well, you figure out what to do instead, right?
you know, if you're not going to at night, you're not going to watch a show or five. Now you have an hour or two, what are you going to do instead, right? And then that's where it allows a person to build the new habits which will reinforce change. But that is not always the it's simple, but it's not easy. You know, it's not always the it's simple, but it's not easy. You know, it's not always the easiest journey.
Well, as our parents told us, life isn't always easy.
I know, I just texted. I texted my daughter that she's not doing well in her summer math class and you know she's questioning things. And I'm like, baby, you're the smartest person I know. Just quiet your mind and listen to your heart. It'll never steer you wrong, you know. And she's like people tell me I should do this. I'm like, stop listening to people. You know, and I'm like stop listening to people and listen to what you want to do.
It'll take you somewhere, and it might take you somewhere after that, but you know at least you'll feel good about what you're doing.
And that's the passion and purpose. It must be great to have a parent that thinks like that. You know I'm not saying that everybody has a neuroscientist as a parent or a therapist as a parent, but I often wonder what it's like to be in the space where you have a parent and and your husband's also in. Is he a doctor?
He is. He's a chiropractor.
Right. So you have two parents that are in the medical field, and you can't go wrong.
But honestly it's about emotional intelligence. So, like the me of 10 years ago was different and it's this work has. And in the book I talk about my own journey of going from less emotionally intelligent to. I feel very grateful that I feel like I'm hitting this rhythm of being very regulated neurologically which allows me to show up in all these different scenarios, especially with so many young adult children.
And you know to, the story I talk about in the book is that I had to break free from codependent uh, interactional relationship dynamics with my husband, because that's the way the two of us grew up, when I didn't even know codependence was a thing until like 15 years ago. And I'm like, not only is this a thing, I am deeply rooted in it and we've completely changed our relationship, which again isn't for the faint of heart. But then the way I parented was codependent too.
I come from a family of six kids. My mom still breeds massive amount of parent-child codependence. I changed that within my family of origin. But I've completely changed it with my children and the way I now parent them and have allowed them to grow into young adult children and I support them and have allowed them to grow into young adult children and I support them is the greatest gift that came from from this work.
Honestly, like when she can, you know, because the class is costing us money too, so she's you know. I can just show up and be like that's life, babe. Like sometimes life is a little expensive and nobody likes it. Sometimes you feel like you're backtracking, but it's such a gift to be able to show up in that way because, you know, probably 15 years ago I would be mad at her for wasting the money. I would tell her she has to stay the course because she's already committed.
But now I'm just like it'll take flow. I just texted her. When you have passion and you know what your purpose is, it'll flow. And if it's not flowing right now, get quiet and think about it purposes, it'll flow.
And if it's not flowing right now, get quiet and think about it. You grow with your children and I I really respect the vulnerability of sharing that Like I'm not perfect, just because I have a bunch of element OPs after my name does not mean I'm better than you and I know everything and I'm always really. I'm really.
I really have so much respect for especially those who come on the show who have such a high level of learning and it could be it doesn't again, doesn't have to be education from the school system, it could be life learning that you've grown to a level where I'm a better person, I'm a better parent, I'm a better lover, I'm a better partner. You know I'm a better human being.
Yeah, just because my my husband said it the other day. He's so cute. He walked away, he said something and I responded with emotional intelligence I don't even remember what it was and he's walking away and he goes, something like you hit the jackpot, you have a million dollar personality, or something like that.
It was just so cute because I told him about some struggle in the way I supported someone, and I just thought it was so cute the way that he, like you know, talked about just off the cuff, walking away, but just recognizing that, but every single person who's listening. My point about that is you don't need degrees, you just need to go. I I literally say this in my mind every single time I have to do something that I feel uncomfortable.
Here I grow again and I question every single response that I have. When I have the, I feel like I want to go because, when Fiona called me, I'm like it's like twelve hundred dollars wasted, so so in my mind, I'm like I want to go. It's twelve hundred dollars on the line. You need to buckle down and pass this class. You know she can't, though, because it's out of her skill set. So that came into my mind. That did not come out of my mouth. Do you know what I mean?
Like I'm literally conditioned to think that way from my childhood. But through this work I can let that run through my mind, run back out, take a pause, keep listening to her and then respond in a supportive way, because that old rhetoric is my old programming. I don't even believe it, but it does come up first because there's 40 years of that programming.
So the whole point is if you can start, just as a human being, to reflect on what you do and why you do it, and are you getting the outcomes you want from those behaviors. If you're not, there's a different way. And are you getting the outcomes you want from those behaviors? If you're not, there's a different way, and it's called growth.
Yeah, I hear I grow again. Love that I can almost hear the song. We're gonna get to that in a minute? Yeah, but I do. I want to be respectful of your time and there is a little game I do at the end of my podcast episodes with my guests and it's called the Brain Candy Rapid Fire. Basically it's word association. I wrote down a number of words that you've said during this conversation. And yeah like let's get the, let's see what your brain scan looks like after this, right, yeah, exactly.
So I'm gonna throw out a word and just come back with one word that comes to mind. Okay, you ready, I'm ready, here we go, all right. Addiction.
Compulsion Pornography, not okay, I know that's two words. That's okay Unacceptable.
We'll make that one word Unacceptable Intimacy.
Connection Sad One word, acceptable intimacy, connection sad one word, stuck.
connection, people, dopamine, controlled growth transformation this is two words, but I have to do it. Poshmark and puppies uh, distraction, for sure, distraction right, that's a good place to end, because what I'd like to do in this moment is give you a chance to share some closing thoughts with those tuning into HIListically Speaking. What would you like to leave them with? You've shared a lot of powerful stuff, but in closing, what would that be?
I think, in closing, I would really love people to know, like I've already said, when it comes to your screen time, creating a strategy for yourself, for balance and recognizing you are the creator of your life and if you don't have the life that you want, this right now can be the very moment that you do something different to begin to create the life that you want. You're not stuck, you know. You don't have to escape and do a screen. You can have the courage.
I would love to remind people that courage can only be exercised in the face of fear, and when I tell myself here I grow again, it's because I'm afraid, I don't feel like I know how to handle the thing in front of me and I have to tell myself you got this, you can do this, you can move through that fear, exercise the courage. Every time I do it, I feel like a rock star and it can just be a conversation with my husband or with my child. But you have to do things differently.
And then, just an extra closing thought is that if you're trying that and it's not working, there is advanced neuroscience technology that can help you that you don't have to think about anything In the program that I offer the first month that we work together. I just help you move your brain to a new spot. You don't have to do a thing besides, do the sessions in my app. A month later, you know things have changed.
You know we've cracked open that neuro rigid pattern and we've created more neuroplasticity. Then you can start, you know, making some of those changes with your mind and your body. But if you're stuck, you don't have to be stuck. We have the most awesome, you know, advanced technologies now, so it's available to everybody, basically. So you know I don't want anybody to go one more second in a life that feels too hard or too off for them.
That they feel a desperate need to go onto their phone Great.
Thank you. I think that really shares some inspiration right Over influence and over influencing, and it's it's been such a joy having you.
Yeah, no problem, it's my pleasure being here.
So the big question is what are you going to do now to befriend your brain, to be kind to your mind, to hug it out with yourself, right? We had a wonderful conversation here on HIListically Speaking with Dr Trisha Leigh. Now it's about you. So the choices. Would love to see if you apply the challenge that Dr Leigh shared and let me know if you do it. I mean, I'm going to do it too. I'm going to take the risk, I'm going to put it into motion and I'm going to let you know.
And I would love for you to take part in that as well. And if you are interested in the book, mind Over Explicit Matter, quit Porn and Improve Intimacy Through Neuroscience, remember this isn't just about what's in the title of this book. It goes much further how you can support yourself, build better relationships and be kind to your mind.
I'm going to put that in the notes of the podcast, as well as Dr Leigh's offer about the brain mapping and how she's going to read and review them personally and the discount that she's offering. You're going to have all of that available to you in the notes of this podcast, so take advantage of it, be kind to your mind, hug it out with yourself and take it further.
You know, go back and listen to some of the other episodes we have here on HIListically Speaking to support your well-being and be a happy and healthy grown-up. So, on that note, remember that this wouldn't be possible without you and my friend, Lipbone Redding, who supports all the music, because music can be healing as well, and take this with you as a note. Be healing as well. And take this with you as a note.
You have the ability to change your brain and know that there's always people to support you and be on the journey with you, including me, because I love you, I believe in you and I'm sending hugs your way. Be well.