When you feel alone, you don't fight for yourself. You've lost your courage. You don't want people to know what's going on in your home. It's embarrassing, it's shameful, you feel so broken and you feel like it's your fault. So I want this charity not only to be a monetary resource, but to be a source to lift women up and let them know that it is not on them, because they were kind and they cared and they loved and they tried and continue to try. That does not make you a weak person.
It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you anything but a person who's highly empathetic and cares greatly for everyone. But at a certain point you've got to care for yourself.
You, my friend, are a compassionate, caring, empathetic human being. Do you know that? When is the last time somebody said that to you? When is the last time somebody said thank you for everything you do? If it's been a while, let me be the first to say thank you, and also thank you for tuning in to HIListically Speaking week after week, because those are the kind of people that tune into this show, speaking week after week because those are the kind of people that tune into the show.
But being that type of person means that you likely put others first, don't you? Yeah, I know I do it too. And when the you know what hits the fan, you still do what you know how to do best. You protect, you nurture, you love, you give to others. It's just part of your makeup. The human being kicks in before the human doing because you care about others. I get that. I do it too.
But that got me thinking about those of us who are the caretakers, the CEOs of the home, mainly a job given to women, by women, usually ourselves. How are you going to handle all of that? When something goes wrong, when life throws you a curveball, a death, a health concern, an unsafe environment, trauma. It's no longer about thriving, is it? It's about surviving, and as women, we have a very hard time asking for help. And that really got me thinking.
And before I knew it, there was a quote that fell across my space and it was like the universe just puts in your hands what you need in that moment. And the quote read like this the reality is that anyone can find themselves in a position where they stand to lose everything in an instant. It is our duty as a community to help one another, as we hope others will help us. Let that sink in. Julie Barth said that If you don't know who she is, you are about to get to know her a little bit.
Because this episode is a little different. I've joined a movement. This year I'm taking part in something that's called podcasthon. It's a global charity podcast event happening this March, and podcasters across the world are taking part in this, where we're dedicating one episode to a nonprofit or a charity, a philanthropic organization of choice, to bring awareness, to really help each other out right. Help others help us.
So that's what we're doing here, and I'm dedicating this episode of HIListically Speaking to support the Colin James Barth Outreach CJB Outreach, because they're dedicated to empowering women-led households in times of crisis, because, no matter who you are, no mother should have to choose between their child's safety or a lack of resources.
So, by providing legal assistance, they're helping to protect those families without fear, without intimidation or financial strain, ensuring that they can make decisions, they being women, they being mothers, from a place of strength and not desperation. Julie's own trauma became her triumph when she lost her first husband, colin, to cancer, was caring for six children, including one with special needs, and then she found herself in a new relationship.
That was less than desirable, in fact, it was a nightmare for both her and her children. But somewhere along the way, after losing everything, she found herself again and she said yes to help. Cjb Outreach was born out of that, and maybe you or someone you know could use their support, and that's why we're dedicating this episode, with partnership with Podcasthon, to CJB and all the women out there who know that it is okay to say yes to help. So take a listen, julie.
We had a couple moments to talk. This is a new relationship, you and me, and I'm just elated to know that people like you are on this planet and while we say it's unfortunate that we go through these traumas in our lives, but we're able to turn them into triumphs. Hopefully, you're truly the spirit behind that and I'm so glad to have you here on the show to share your story, to share your mission and welcome.
Well, thank you so much. You know, sometimes it's hard to hear those kind of phrases, but I really appreciate them.
Absolutely. Usually the compassionate, empathetic type tend to say that, especially us women. It's hard for us to accept compliments, you know, but when those moments come and you can just sit back and see what you're doing and how you're making a difference, it's just coming from the most authentic place, isn't it?
It is. It is. Yeah, I mean, you always hope that that's how people see you. So it is. It does make your heart shine a little bit. So thank you.
Absolutely so. What I would like to do is just share with the HIListically Speaking audience who you are more about what you're doing, your mission, your story. This is a really special episode and you have a relatively new nonprofit. That really caught my eye. Your story caught my eye and I'd rather the words come from you, because the idea of putting this mess into a message to create something bigger as a collective, as a community, is really what we're all about on this planet.
Hopefully we follow that way of living, but your story really is making a difference and I would love for you to just share.
Thank you. I am the mother to six. I have been through a lot of stuff, I mean, and everybody has, so I'm no different than anybody else. But I've seen my fair share of people I love, which is, I think, even harder. You know, when you go through, well, it's debatable, but when you go through something yourself, you experience it, experiencing secondhand. Sometimes you can just there's so many things that are out of your control. My story started. I'm an author.
The first book that I wrote started because I was mother to four. I had a daughter with special needs who had been through a whole bunch of traumas and she was just coming out the other end. She has primordial dwarfism. Still, she's 24 now and she's fighting 24 pounds and you'd never know it because she's a spitfire.
But the book I found out that my husband, who was my pretty much my soulmate I had met him first, kiss, you know high school sweethearts was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. When my youngest, at the time of four, was six months, they said take him home, he's got two weeks to live. So, coming off of all the trauma with Tatum, she was starting to fly and it was almost like this is the way that I see the world. Colin was there by my side.
He was my person to hold me up and he was there for a very short period of time. But he got Tatum to a place where she was starting to soar and it was almost his time to kind of exit. And as much as I hated that, I couldn't imagine life without him going through what we did with Tatum. So my first book is really a tribute to both Tatum's fight. If you hopefully will get a chance to read it, she is a miracle by every.
She wasn't supposed to be born, she wasn't supposed to talk, she wasn't supposed to walk. And here we are again, 24 years later, and she's an artist and she's a force. And to make matters worse, she which starts up the second book she came down with cancer when she was 13. So she finally fought her way up and then ended up with a rare form of cancer after everything was resolved. But I've tried to take all of that and honor Colin's name and that was my first husband's name.
And I've just been in a lot of positions where I've had to rebuild, reinvent. Everything's fallen on me to care for, to make sure people are taken care of, and I take that responsibility very heavily and there have been points in my life where you know you're down to your last dime, you're down to your last pit of energy and you think I can't do this anymore. But, as any woman mother knows, that's you can't. There's no stopping. You're in a marathon and you just keep running.
And you mentioned you know we're going to talk ina minute about the Colin James Barth Outreach, which is the nonprofit you created in to your your first husband's name, who passed from pancreatic cancer. I can only imagine, and doing so many episodes as I've done, having so many conversations and talking to people who have really been through different struggles and triumph traumas.
Rather, you know, to find help when you're in that traumatic place is really difficult, no matter what the upset is. I mean, you're in fight or flight. How do I get help? Where do I go first?
And so when I heard about your story that you're focusing on helping women-led households, women who are needing and seeking support, when they might have a spouse that is going through something or a child that's going through something or, good God, you're going through something because you're running the household, You're the CEO of the household. That's what women normally are. And where do you go for help during these times?
Because a lot of things run through our minds of where do we go first and what help do we need, that we don't even find out what help we need until we're in it and it feels like there is no help right we're in it and there is.
It feels like there is no help. Right, correct, yeah. And I, you know, I don't ask for help. I, I have a very independent mother. Um, we were taught stand tall and I think that that is a huge part of our generation as women. Um, you know, we're taught to be breadwinners but mothers. So accepting help is a very hard thing because it's almost like a loss of control, and nobody wants to lose that control over their household.
So when people would ask you know what can I help you with, that was almost more stressful than not having help, because even the thought of me sitting around and going I can't even tell you what I need, because I don't even know what I need, because it, would you know, shift so quickly that you know. I will say that, and this is part of the thought behind my charity too, is that you don't know what you need.
And but other people do you know, just because I was sitting there going, gosh, I don't, what do I need? Anyone could have walked in my house and said she clearly needs to her laundry, her refrigerator is empty, her kids haven't been picked up from school. But those were thoughts that I couldn't, they couldn't resonate. I was putting out fire alarms, I was, you know when was Colin needing his you know his medicine, his appointment.
So I did have many people and I was very the last two stepped in and just said you know, I even had one woman, you know, I woke up in the morning and they were snow plowing my driveway and I didn't even know who they were snow plowing my driveway and I didn't even know who they were. They just came over and it's those little pieces of pockets of you know people stepping in and stepping up and they don't even have to know you.
But those, the smallest things can be, make the biggest difference in your life, whatever position that is, and when you don't have to ask for it or, you know, beg for it or yeah.
And you mentioned community. You say community and people that are stepping in that you don't even know, and really that's what it's all about, right? And when you're in, when you're in the throes of things, it's hard for you to put thought together of what you really do need, like I mentioned, and you're and you're saying that as well, and I think it can be any kind of situation when we're in that.
But when we are trying to make everything work, sometimes it's so hard to take ourselves out of the narrative to see what it is we need. And when you created this foundation, this charity, this wasn't when you were in the throes of it.
By the way, I do want to make it very clear that this has been a 12-year journey to get you to the place where you now have the colin james barth mission, right, this, this organization, this outreach, because of the things that you dealt with, even after the loss of your husband and then raising then what became six children, like you said, because you were then in a second relationship that did not fare very well or allow you to move into that space. Can we talk about that briefly too?
You hear survivor's guilt and this is something outside of that. To me, survivor's guilt was always kind of like you know, you're in a lifeboat and you make a decision to get out at the sacrifice of somebody else. I always thought it was like, you know, twin Towers you made it up the stairs, someone else didn't. But I didn't recognize that it happens to people who care, give in these situations. And you know I came out of it not knowing all of the guilt that I had.
You know anybody on the outside would say, oh my. And you know I came out of it not knowing all of the guilt that I had. You know anybody on the outside would say, oh my gosh, you were so strong, you cared for him so deeply.
But there were things that you say to yourself in your inside voice, wishing him gone, you know, wishing that he wasn't around anymore, saying, you know he wanted to go for treatment and I was lying to him because he didn't have the wherewithal to be able to even reason why we weren't. But I had to lie to him and he was my best friend and I had to lie to him continually. And it's all of those experiences, things that you were thinking that maybe nobody else heard but you did.
And when somebody leaves, you remember the person that you lost before they got sick, not the person that you so desperately wish would move, that was sick. So all of those feelings, you just kind of pick them up, you shelf them, you move along and if you don't unpack them, you end up in situations like I did with my second marriage and I settled for somebody who treated me very badly and I think you know unpacking all of that.
I had so much guilt and shame in my inside voice and not being able to save someone who looked to me to save them that I thought I deserved what I got. I just thought you know that I wasn't a good person. If people knew what I was thinking, if people knew that I lied to my husband, you know, when he was in his final moments. I took that very personally and I could not let go of that.
And instead of having somebody there to talk to me, the shame was eating away at me and drove me into further shame, because then I married somebody who took advantage of it, saw my weaknesses, used them against me. And then where do you go with it? Because I had left my entire past behind, thinking I was going to start over and leave Julie Barth behind. And you can't. It has to be unpacked, but that unpacking is so painful that it's much easier to just keep the train on the same pavement.
So that's what I did.
At some point, julie picked up her bootstraps, pulled them up and said enough is enough. And I'm curious about that point in your life, about that point in your life. When did that happen, where now you're in a relationship that is not as not loving, not caring, with someone that is taking advantage and abusing you? How did you walk away from that?
Because, as someone who deals with a lot of narcissistic, abusive relationships in the work that I do and even going through it myself, by the way it's very hard to see it when you it myself, by the way. It's very hard to see it when you're in it. In fact, it's almost impossible, but it's not impossible to get out of it. I want to preface it with that because obviously both of us are an example of that but it's hard to see it when you're in it, especially when you are beat down.
And so how did you move forward and remove yourself from that situation and build yourself back up?
I would love to say that I had had enough and I walked away. So I did have enough, but I had two very small children and I knew that they would be used as pawns and they were not old enough to speak for themselves, so I kept at it. But I did have four children from my first marriage, who he was very terrible to. I specifically had a younger boy who was very sensitive and just wanted a dad and was stepped all over and very ridiculed.
And one day I had to come to Jesus moment and he said to me Mom, I don't understand you. You know why you keep going back. He's threatened to kill me. He's threatened to kill me. He's threatened to kill you. I've slept and I, you know these things, but you don't want to acknowledge it. He said I've slept with a knife under my bed since I was six. That was it. I don't care what it takes. I have put this off long enough. I've excused it. I have made excuses for it.
I've isolated myself and I thought that I was being the buffer you know like I thought, placing myself in the middle of it, taking the brunt of it. You know, being yelled at and screamed at and threatened, and that I was protecting them. And kids know, yeah, they're smart, yeah, and the thought that I let him grow up without a childhood and a knife under his bed was enough. So it was not easy.
He came after me, he lied about me, he set me up for two years, he recorded me, he sent things to his friends, he sent all my text messages to other people, he stole everything I had, he bottomed out my accounts, he um, he did everything possible and I knew at a certain point that I was going to lose everything and I had to be okay with that and I just had to make sure that my children were protected. And I wasn't. I wasn't able to for three years.
It was a battle and a fight and I gave every dollar I had, you know, and I said I don't care if I live in a trailer park and it should never come to that. My children, if I deserved it, that was one thing. But my children did not deserve to be put on hold, to have a guardian that wasn't listening and for my hands to be tied and put them in jeopardy wasn't listening and for my hands to be tied and put them in jeopardy.
So that's when, not only did I step up, but I said I won't ever let anyone, as long as I can, if I can. I never want anyone to be in that position again.
That takes a lot of courage and vulnerability, you know especially when there's still that trauma from the first marriage and a loss, it's now, it's still, even if it was toxic in the second marriage, it's still a loss. And then there's the fear of losing children and losing everything. But clearly you're on the other side of this now and you're able to put this amazing organization to work, which I truly love this.
And, look, we're doing a very special episode here because I'm part of a movement that's happening right now called Podcasthon. It is a global community of podcasters who are featuring and focusing on charities and nonprofits so that we can amplify the voice, be the voice and help put these amazing charities out there.
And so that's why I wanted to focus on the Colin James Barth outreach and your story and what you're doing, because seeing this happen and really truly being what HIListically Speaking is about those trauma to triumph stories poster child for this. Because you've been through battle of loss and you've been through the battle of sickness and being a parent of a special needs child and losing everything and abusive relationships.
And here you are on the other side and and you go back 12 years later to creating this organization so that you can help others like you find the support that you had a hard time finding. Yeah, so I love that and and we're so I'm so so grateful to have you share the story, and we didn't get a chance to really talk about your books yet. Real quick, the first book you said is about your daughter and Colin. Um, your daughter Tatum, and uh, who's the incredible artist?
Is that the one that there's with?
just six children. How do?
you keep track of all their amazing talents, right, and that one's notes from a Blackberry, a Blackberry, right, and then your second book is what.
That one's going to be released later this year and it's called from Blackberries to Thorns Great. And then I actually am in the writing a third one right now. That's from thorns to blossoms. Wow, and that's hopefully more of a introspective, like unpacking everything and trying to figure out, you know, the meaning and helping others to. You know. Take action instead of sticking with it and keep hoping it's going to get better when it clearly isn't worth saving.
Clearly, writing is therapeutic for you, because you mentioned that and we had this conversation that you wrote a lot of the first book Notes from a Blackberry on your Blackberry which do we even have Blackberries anymore? No, it just goes to show you how long ago you started working on this, when Colin was sick.
You were doing this when he was going through treatment and there's so much that can really come from just purging and writing, so it is a memoir, and then moving into the second book that you have coming out and then the third book. We're going to put all of that in the notes of this podcast so people can grab that book.
Well, actually it's coming out in audio break community.
So it's wonderful when you see people coming together. But let's talk about the charity too, and again, you know we're doing this episode in collaboration with Podcasthon. It's a global effort to inspire you to get in touch with a charity, to see what other charities are out there. So, focusing on the Colin James Barth outreach and let's talk about that specifically so that we can give people an idea exactly what it is that this charity is doing and who it's helping.
So it was formed obviously to honor my first husband, but that situation itself was just kind of a microcosm of what I'm trying to accomplish as women.
We're caregivers, we're caring for our parents, we're caring for our children, we're caring for our significant others, and sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we were single, and not only single, but had a household, for whatever reason, whether it's divorce or illness, and you know you've devoted your entire adult life to not being the breadwinner. You know you might have a job, or you might have, or a second income even.
And all of a sudden you're in the throes of not only having to care for children but take care of everyone. And you know you go in for a job and they say well, what's your experience? And it's almost as if you've been living in a bubble for it. Well, I don't have any, but you do. I mean, you're a project manager, you're a therapist, you're you know nurse, you're a caregiver, you're a counselor, you're probably doing sales at, you know, at your kid's school.
So there's a lot of kind of revolving pieces in this charity that we're running.
We're trying to partner with companies who are willing to see women, for you know sure, their education is 10 years old, maybe 15 years old, but to recognize their special skills, what they bring to the table, that they have so many talents to give and not in a, you know, part-time capacity for minimum wage, and who are also willing to work with them, to work around their schedules so that they can work at nighttime, when they're most productive, when they have the right hours and it's
meaningful work. It's not remedial work. You know, we have so much to give as mothers and there's so many lessons to learn from us, but unfortunately our society tends to make us feel as if we're an afterthought or oh, that's great and kind of pat us on the head. So I'm trying to overcome those barriers to experience and work experience, because I don't know what's harder than to run a household. So that's one part of it.
The second part is if you find yourself in a situation, as I did, in a divorce, with somebody who the average woman's standard of living goes down 40% when they get divorced and a man's goes down 10% on average. So there's a lot of range in that too. I don't think that women should have to get to a point where they are, you know, having to flee their homes. They need assistance to pay for their kids' clothing.
Why don't we have support systems that stop them before they get there and protects children when we can't through monetary means? The Guardian-Eleiden system is broken. Our court systems are broken and I can't fix the courts, but I want to be the person that helps to give people resources to get out of the situations they're in. I'd love to Don't get me wrong. I'd love to get started on the courts, but one step at a time, it's just.
I want to give women community, especially in these situations where you feel like your community has abandoned you, which they haven't. You feel like your family has, you know, walked away and they haven't. They just don't know how to help.
Yeah, and we hear the word community a lot. You know community collective Look, I have one as well, and there are many others who tune into the show, even those who don't that have built communities, collectives, tribes or whatever you want to call it, that we can connect with, and more likely it's women. Because we are sisters, we need support. It's how we started, that's how we created that collective in the red tent back in the day, right?
So what makes this more than just a community and a support? I mean, what kind of things are you really offering within the outreach program that can be very beneficial to women and women-led households and those who are going through something in the struggle where they don't see the forest through the trees?
Mostly, like I said, what we want to do is take away the burden of bills when it comes to legal fees so that you can focus on protecting your kids instead of oh, I can't even send my lawyer another email because it's going to cost me $25, because you do get to that. I also want to build a network of lawyers and guardian of items and counselors who know how to identify these sort of economic, financial and emotional abuse situations that are not they are not recognized in the court.
You cannot go to court and say I've been emotionally abused because it's not a thing which again needs to be tackled on a different front. But we need people who can spot these things, who can say this is what's going on and protect these kids from being used as pawns, because that's exactly what happens. So that's a big part of the charity, as well as just mentoring.
I personally, in talking about our charity, I can't even tell you I've probably encountered 20 people in the past two weeks that I've sat down and had a conversation about this and everyone is saying my sister's going through this, my aunt went through this, my best friend is going through this, and they have all asked me will you please, would you mind sitting down with them, would you mind explaining to them, so that when you feel alone, you don't fight for yourself. You've lost your courage.
You don't want people to know what's going on in your home. It's embarrassing, it's shameful. You, you don't want people to know what's going on in your home. It's embarrassing, it's shameful. You feel so broken and you feel like it's your fault. I want this charity not only to be a monetary resource, but to be a source to lift women up and let them know that it is not on them, because they were kind and they cared and they loved and they tried and continue to try.
That does not make you a weak person. It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you anything but a person who's highly empathetic and cares greatly for everyone. But at a certain point you've got to care for yourself.
And that's really the strength right there is realizing when you need help and asking for help. That's the biggest batch of courage right there is saying you know what? I can't do it all myself. And look, I hear this a lot, a lot. And I think the first step to any change has to be an awareness that a change needs to happen.
So when you're in the throes of something and maybe you don't see it when you're in it because it is hard to see it when you are in it but that moment where you have that little like little spark of hmm, but that moment where you have that little spark of hmm that says something just doesn't feel right.
It's usually right and it's usually that higher self, that GPS system that we have internally, saying I'm going against the resistance of something and maybe I need to just take a step back and, yeah, be okay, asking for help, because you'd be surprised, my friends, those those tuning in, and Julie as well, myself these are messages to myself as well. I'm talking to me too. That you'd be surprised how many people will step forward and say how can I support you when you just ask for help?
Yeah, Right, yeah, and I think a lot of people. I can't tell you how many people sat there and listened to me for years, years. And finally I had one friend say to me when you are done, you will know you are done.
And.
I remember thinking, oh, you don't understand, I'm going to go down with the ship with this one. But she was the very first person to come back and say I knew you would know and I didn't want to push you, but I was waiting in the wings. And there are people that are always waiting in the wings. They might not, they don't want to get involved, because they think you're going to probably go back to it and then you're going to shut them out if they, if they talk badly, you know.
So they're stuck in kind of the same fog that you are just standing on the outside wondering how to help. But they will and they want to.
Right, so I want to mention something. I saw this on your website. By the way, we're going to put all this in the podcast notes. It's the cjboutreachorg. That's for Colin James Barth. That is your first husband that you lost, the love of your life, love that. You are coming back and I'm sure he is wherever he is, is going. You go, girl, I knew you were gonna do it. You ever think about stuff like that, like what do you think, stu? I do, I do.
Yeah, probably more so than I'd want to admit. Yes, if there was one person that I really just cared what he thought and you know not to go back to it either, but there were many times after he passed that I made decisions, and that was. Another thing is I thought he would have made a better decision. He was always my guide.
He was always, but, in looking back on it, he was my guide because he stood behind me and he supported me, and all you need is to have the support of someone that you really believe in to help you believe in yourself, and that's what we want to be.
And hey, there's that quote out there behind every good man is a strong woman, it's not a quote.
It's a reality. It is a reality.
And speaking of reality, you said and this is on your website it said the reality is, anyone can find themselves in a position where they stand to lose everything in an instant, like in an instant. And if it is your duty, it is our duty as a community to help one another, as we hope others will help us. Right? And it can be as simple as just deciding and saying hey, Julie, I want this to be the subject of this podcast episode, or how can I support you further? Or you need your laundry folded?
Cool, I got you.
Or you need me to do a voiceover. I'm at the grocery store. Yeah, I'm at the grocery store. Let me pick something up for you, right?
It's the simplest things that make the biggest difference. Because the currency of time is sometimes more valuable than money itself. Actually, I think it is the currency of time and kindness and compassion. These are currencies too. We we tend to overlook it. We're so fixated on the monetary side of currency. But the other currencies are so valuable and the currency of connection and collaboration and community probably. I would put first Right.
So I would agree yeah.
Well, that's why you're here, that's why we're here. This was not me choosing you, this was us choosing each other. Right, so we'll share. We'll share everything about the, the mission here, the outreach, which is the Colin James Bart outreach, and cjboutreachorg. I'm remembering it on the top of my head.
And also this is a very special episode that is a part of Podcasthon, which is a global charity podcast event that is happening right now, and there are many other podcasts that are supporting many other charities. This was just the one I wanted to support and I was really happy when they came to me and said, hey, would you be a part of this? And I said absolutely yes. Then you just appeared, you know. So things happen just in the most beautiful, magical, miraculous ways right, they really do.
I told you I don't believe in accidents ever, absolutely not. So where you are now. What I would love to know is where would you like to take this organization? Where would you like to see this charity go?
Well, that's the problem is I've got, I'm a Pisces. I don't know if you know anything about Pisces Left and right, I'd like to take the world over, right right, one of the most exciting well, not the most exciting in the future. Again, I think I've mentioned like I couldn't do anything to stop cancer. I couldn't you know, but there were certain things that I chose that brought me to where I was at in one of the worst situations I was in. I don't know if you're familiar with Gabby Petito.
Yes, I would imagine the entire world is.
Thank God, it's about time, yeah. So I've spoken with them about perhaps bringing a prevention program to young women. And you know, not just about domestic abuse, but about protecting yourself in many ways. You know, if you're a stay at home mom, you should be, should have your own savings account, you should be paying yourself the same way that you would pay yourself at a job. Um, just taking steps, um, to help young women, see, see the signs, we all see them.
You know, I, I don't know, I don't think in in being older you, you know, you've seen it it's like yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you're so young and idealistic and you've got these, you know, you just think you're invincible. So I don't want to bring anybody's dream down, but you know, just to, prevention is is a very strong point in me too.
if you're not familiar with who Gabby Petito is, she was the young lady that traveled a trip with her boyfriend and went missing for a number of months. And then you know, we come to find out the fate of that was not. She didn't really go missing. Um, I don't know if you want to speak about, speak to that a little bit, since, um, you're talking to them, but just, it's important to be aware of your surroundings and the people you're with.
Sometimes we aren't aware of that and, um, we just would like less outcomes to turn out like Gabby's situation.
And I, you know, I saw it, uh, the first time I came around and I will say it profoundly changed me. There was one part of it where the police stopped the couple and she was outside the van and he played it off like I had to lock her out. She couldn't control her emotion, she was aggressive, she was aggressive and the cops ended up turning the situation around, buying him a hotel room for battered husbands or significant others, leaving her in the van and she disappeared, yeah.
This was her boyfriend, by the way.
This was her boyfriend. I think it was her fiance.
Yeah, fiance.
So it was a true eye opener to you know, looking on the outside and being somebody who's been in that situation, I knew all the signs. But we should all learn to know all of the signs. Mothers I'm sure that her mother, you know, probably had feelings about it. But you just feel helpless and we can't be in a state of helplessness anymore. It's not okay anymore.
And it's also very hard to tell somebody what to do and to get out of something if they are not truly ready. Oh yeah, I mean, you can't tell anyone what to do and to get out of something if they are not truly ready. Oh yeah, I mean, you can't tell anyone what to do, you can't tell someone to go to therapy and say you really need to go to therapy if they're not ready.
And it's understanding the warning signs, understanding any signs, and that was really I mean, that was definitely on the folks that stopped that car to have a better understanding of that kind of situation, but also how it trickled down and what it turned into didn't have to happen that way. Absolutely, it took a wrong turn.
Yeah, it was real, real tragedy and it was hard to watch.
Yeah.
Yeah, somebody who was in that position and knowing that I could have been. Yeah, somebody who is in that position and knowing that I could have been. You know, and having four daughters, it's a real problem and it's not an isolated incident. I mean, we love to think it wouldn't happen to me, but we have to all think that it could.
We also could have thought it's the only way to get through, we'd never be in a narcissistic, abusive relationship, or that you would be in partnership with someone that is no longer here anymore. I mean, you know what do they say If you want to make God laugh, tell them your plans. And that is so true. You know, we can only go forward powerfully and live our true selves and do the best that we can.
Of what you're doing now, you know, going through the upsets and the traumas you've gone through, how are your kids doing today? I'd like to know that.
My kids are amazing. They are resilient and strong and sweet and kind. Colin's youngest daughter actually just got a full ride to Clemson University and she did it all herself because she wrote a whole bunch of essays about her father and her stepfather and you know she was really a huge part behind this, the outreach as well. We both came to terms. The rest of them I have my first grandbaby. I can't even believe it.
How is that even possible?
He said, when they came to me, they said well, what do you want? What is she going to call you? And I said how about Aunt Julie?
You're like I'm not ready, I'm not ready, but I am ready Her first birthday is at my house this weekend.
I always say they turned out beautifully in spite of me. So I hope, you know, I hope the best of them. They've each risen to the occasion and you know, I hope the best of them. They've. They've each risen to the occasion and they, they have pulled me out many, many times and they're a reason why I'm here and why I'm relatively sane and why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Yeah, and I imagine that there's going to be a spark of courage and vulnerability and strength and just everything that comes with who you are. We'll see that in your kids and your grandchild and those to come future grandchildren. I got to say anybody watching this on YouTube. You're going to look at this beautiful woman that I'm having a conversation with and be like how in the world is she a grandma? Because I'm sitting here, going.
Yeah, I mean, you shine, and maybe part of that is because you're finally being able to live this dream, this passion of putting something that has really been part of your plan for the past 12 years. That's a long time to sit on something, including the books you know, to finally be able to see things come to light. I can only imagine what it must feel like.
It almost feels like I am two different people. You know, I had to read my book and then I listened to it and the audio version just it was like I was listening to somebody else's story and I don't know. One of the most important things I found whether you're a writer or not a writer, I didn't write this for notoriety. I didn't write it to put it out into the universe, although I'm glad I did.
I forgot so many things and important and in real life affirming things that I'm so blessed and happy that I wrote down, because when I revisit those things I remember that there was so much life to be had in A Death Sy death series. It just was. There were so many moments that I'm so glad that I made mention to that. My children can relive it, because Piper was only six months.
So if anyone's going through something like this I know people are like journal journal, even if it doesn't come naturally just write down those things that mean something in the moment, because it might not strike you in the moment why you're writing it down, but I promise you, if you do, you'll go back and you'll say that I was meant to read that and it is a reminder of something that I was supposed to learn and I was too busy at the time.
But I'm listening now and it is really important to remember the good things as well as the bad, because you're just swept away by a tidal wave in these kinds of crises.
Absolutely, and it's just. It says something about who you are and that you're able to do this, and I can imagine you're going to touch, move and inspire a lot of people who are going to tune into this episode. Again, we're going to share everything and let you know how to get in touch with Julie, how to find out about the Colin James Barth outreach, your books.
It's all going to be in the notes of this podcast, as well as a little bit about Podcasthon, which is this great organization that is giving us, as podcasters, a space to share amazing philanthropies and charities, like Julie's. But before we go, yes, I don't know how familiar you are with HIListically Speaking, but I do a little game at the end of every episode, and this is what I call the brain candy game. Basically, I've been writing down words that you've said.
I'm going to throw a word out to you and what I would like for you to do is come back with the first word that comes to mind, a little word association. So a fun way to just kind of like think about what words are really that you're sharing and then what they really mean to you in that moment. Right, okay, keep that brain working.
I'm going to put my glasses on.
I'm trying, All right here we go, you ready, I am ready, all right, independent Strong.
Trauma Lasting Loss, joy Widow Missing.
Mom Killer Narcissist Toxic Colin. Killer, narcissist, toxic colin a bus.
I know that's two words, but I had to do it completely permitted.
Uh, caregiving, difficult, resilience, built violence, resilience Belt, violence, harmful Charity, community. I think we're stopping there. I actually had a couple more, but I think that's really what this is all about, isn't it? It's truly about community and creating that massive and international wave of support. Right, and look, as somebody who is in the line of work as a trauma-informed practitioner, I would love to continue this conversation to see how I could help in some way.
I'd love to be able to support you further and those that you're serving so we'll have a deeper conversation about that Because, as anyone that knows about Havening and what I do, it truly is a tool that can help you with your traumas and also the secondary traumatic stress that people go through during very difficult times. But I do want to leave you with a moment to share with those who are tuning in. What is it you would like for our HIListically Speaking community to know?
What would you like to leave them with?
I think, something I said to you earlier that you know everything looks bad when you're in the midst of it, and it takes, beyond getting beyond it, to really understand why you went through it and to make sense of it. And once you can do that, that's when you make the best of it. Because, as I said, my very worst day today is better than my very best day when I was living a life that I knew was not good for me, and it did take losing it all to get where I'm at.
But the things that I lost, I found out they weren't the things I wanted to begin with.
Wow, that that sits it. And I think sometimes we don't really realize that. Do we that in that moment, when the very best day from your worst, wow, that's heavy. And and I think I'm I'm thinking about some of the things I've been through and it's so true, we think it's the worst thing ever in the moment, and then we would look back. Then we look back on it and we're like I got through that, I can do this, I can do hard things.
Yeah, and it wasn't as hard on the outside. It was just coming to terms with what you had, what you felt you were going to lose. And you know if you, if you live in a constant state of trying to hold on to something, god will tell you differently. You know, you, you have, sometimes you have to lean into things instead of resisting it.
What would the younger Julie need to hear that the Julie today would say to her?
It doesn't matter what people think of you. That was very hard for me. Every step of the way I worried sometimes more about what other people felt about me than what I felt about me and I hid a lot of good things about myself for fear that I would be judged and that was really hard for me. Releasing the book and doing the charity and certainly releasing the second book, because I don't like to be disliked.
But sometimes it's okay to be disliked or thought not so great of, because as long as you're good with you, it doesn't matter what other people think and if you can look at yourself every morning and know that you're being the best you, it just doesn't matter.
Amen to that, and you don't always have to be understood either.
No, you don't even have to understand yourself sometimes.
That is the truth. Sit here and battle ourselves half the time. That's so true.
A lot of the time, I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, great. Well, julie, thank you so much. This was such a pleasure. Thank you for everything you're doing. Again, we will share everything about the Colin James Barth outreach, about your books, about everything you're doing and just continuing the fight, which isn't so much a fight when you know you have support and community.
Well, and I think it's always easier to fight for someone else, isn't it Absolutely? You know, I'll fight for other people. It feels really good and I want to. So what do you think?
Colin would say right now, and maybe you've heard him, but what would he say in this moment, knowing everything you're doing, everything you've been through, what would his words be to you? And if it's personal, please don't share.
No, yeah, he was always a joker, so I don't know.
he'd probably say, like I told you, you should have done this a long time ago, I don't know right like I told you, so I told you, so dance you're all right, I've been there.
I've been here the whole time. What have you been waiting for?
probably about time you showed up, kind of thing yeah, yeah, I'm glad you're back.
Right, definitely, I'm glad you're back that's good.
That's a good thing to hear amazing thanks so much well.
Thank you, heller. It's very nice meeting you and thank you so much for believing in me and our charity, and I hope that we'll do some really great things me too.
All right, my friends, if you or someone you know could use cjb outreach, or even if you want to get in touch with Julie or possibly lend a hand, I've shared everything you need in the notes of this podcast episode, including Julie's books, great addition to put into your library. And if you're looking for tools to create a safe space in your mind, a haven, join me every month for my free online Havening Happy H hours.
These are guided experiences where you learn Havening, you put the healing in your hands and it has neuroscience right there by your side. If you're interested in stepping it up and even learning more in the trainings I host Havening trainings and certifications as well Just go to hilaryrussocom slash events. You'll find that link also in the notes of this podcast. HIListically Speaking is edited by Two Market Media with music by Lipbone Redding, of course, supported by you.
So thank you week after week for saying yes and saying yes to yourself. A special thanks to our friends at Podcasthon for creating this global event as a reminder that help is always possible and you are never alone. And yes, if you just ask, we'll be there. I love you, I believe in you and I'm sending hugs your way Be well, with mountains in her eyes.
Love in her heart.