¶ Thriving After 65
When you can age out loud, when you can look in the mirror and go oh my God, I've got barnacles, I've got wrinkles, I've got crepe skin. I'm amazing and really embrace it. This is how I'm supposed to look. It's okay, Because every day you're told it's not okay.
It seems to be the topic of conversation lately as me and my friends are creeping into that halfway mark you know the line over 50,. Ageism is coming up a lot in conversations, birthdays, celebrations, dinner parties, social media memes going back and forth. We laugh at them, we cry at them and we wonder this is 50, what's next?
But still, ageism in the working world is making it harder for people to pivot, to change jobs, to try something new, and we question love and relationships as we see marriages, divorces, deaths, what comes next? But what if we look at things differently, my friends? What if we take it from someone a little older, a little wiser, who's been around the block a few times and has dissolved the internalized ageist beliefs so we can be rock stars in the Renaissance age?
Right, those Renaissance years, as she calls it, Ande Lyons. You are a four-time founder, a former global startup mentor, serial podcaster since 2012, when not all of us were doing this thing out there and currently the host of the popular Don't Be Caged by your Age podcast. And, let me add, you are a rock star when it comes to thriving after 65. I feel like I'm learning so much from you and I am so excited to have you here and just share the space with you.
Hi, thank you so much for having me, Hilary, I'm so delighted to be here. And you know, when I turned 50, which was almost 18 years ago, folks I remember very clearly I'd had two businesses then a dot com heavily backed by VC, and a food business that I'd scaled in less than two years and was nationally and was backed by an angel investor for six figures. And when I turned 50, I thought, geez, this is it. Entrepreneurial days are done. It's a young person's game.
I'm going to have to hang up my tiara. Well, how many decades later? Practically, I've had two more businesses, launched another three podcasts, launched another three podcasts. And I realized when I wrote this post for LinkedIn, Hilary called don't be caged by your age. And it was when I turned 66 and I held up the root 66 sign. Those of you in the US you know that root 66 sign.
I held it up and took a photo of myself and the look on my face was really, will you still love me now that you know that I'm 66? Because I was in the startup industry, right, which tends to be a very young industry, where often they say explain your business as if you were telling it to your grandmother and I, of course, my hand arm would shoot up and go excuse me, we've been coding since the 70s, you know. Sit down on that comment.
So I noticed in the comment threads so many people who were either really discouraged and despairing, and a lot of them pre-retirees, a lot of them in their 50s going oh my god, what am I going to do? Because we have this belief that at 65 the clock strikes midnight. You're Out to the pastures, all of you. You know, pastures are for horses, not humans. And then I saw comments from folks who had repurposed their lived experiences.
You know the guy who quit 30, some years in the insurance business and just started a perennial garden and then he noticed all the bees and he said well, I should get me some hives. Got himself some hives and the next thing he's like well, what am I going to do with all this honey? Well, he started a honey business. He's having the time of his life. So fast forward a few years. Now I'm about to turn 68. I said I have got to start amplifying what does thriving after 65 look and feel like.
Let me interview folks who are shattering
¶ Power of Aging
those age-related expectations of what we're supposed to look like and folks, if you're in your 50s, you are already going to start beginning to experience the institutional ageism where you are now considered permafrost, where for some reason, there is this bias that says, oh, we're not going to invest in you anymore because you're just sliding into retirement. You don't have any more ambition left. What Ambition is ageless? And humans need purpose to get out of bed, right.
And then you've got society who's constantly telling you you're no good. If you've got a wrinkle, like, cut it out already, you can't be aging. In fact, I interviewed someone recently who has a book who says help, I can't stop aging. Really funny book, but it's very real. And people are constantly feeling terrible.
And let me tell you, Hillary, when you can age out loud, when you can look in the mirror and go, oh, my God, I've got barnacles, I've got wrinkles, I've got crepe skin, I'm amazing and really embrace it. This is how I'm supposed to look. It's okay, because every day you're told it's not okay. So you take the institutional messages about ageism, society's ageism, and you've been indoctrinating these for decades in your own body and now you're up against your own limitations about what you can do.
So that's why we have to have representation, right, you know, because if you see it, you can be it to start dissolving and start celebrating aging.
I love that. I love everything you're saying. You do it with such excitement and such positivity and this is not the age of our parents or grandparents, even turning 50 or 65. There's so much stuff out there that you see on the internet where they will show a picture of somebody who was 40, 50, 60, like 30, 40 years ago, and and we look at ourselves now and I'm like God, I look pretty damn good, you know.
But it's not just about how we physically look, it's how are we creating a quality of life, not just in the now, but going forward? And you and I had this conversation when before we press record about the elder planning and just the word elder can can kind of come across as being a little icky, like elder, that means old that's indoctrination, though, and it's only how the us and uk and australia, basically who has this attitude?
plenty of societies have no word for senior citizen or elder.
And I have found just in some of the work I do, because I have started to work with people who are over the age of 65, especially just giving them tools not to fear death. They face more grief now because sometimes we lose partners when we're older, it's more likely. Sometimes we lose partners when we're older, it's more likely. But how do we have this newly sun life to where, looking ahead, we don't see even 50 as, oh, I'm old, like how many times do we joke about that?
Oh, I'm so old, oh my gosh, I'm so old.
Ageism is really one of the last remaining socially acceptable prejudices out there. You see it in the cards. Everything slams aging and let me tell you, for anybody who is under 60, ageism is a prejudice against your future self. You are slamming your future self and the capability out there, and you're absolutely right, Hilary, how they position folks who are aging. Andy McDowell was recently interviewed by this Italian journalist who said well, how does it feel to have lost your beauty?
And Andy's like say what. My beauty comes from inside me, it comes out my eyes, it comes out my smile. What are you talking about that? I've lost my quote beauty.
I think this is the time where, as you call it that, the Renaissance years, when the Renaissance party really starts Right. Right, Maybe in your 40s and 50s you're kind of lurking around seeing, oh, who's going to be at that party? And it's that period of our lives where we could start thinking of how we want to thrive and live optimally later. And we were talking about this before, Like when I was my boyfriend and I talk about where do we want to be next?
And I remember when he first started approaching me about, well, the next house, I'd like it to be one level and I'd like to always be near a really good medical facility. And I'm thinking, dude, what are you talking about? Like, I am 50 years old, I'm not thinking about that.
And the more we start talking about it, especially as we have aging parents, I'm like that actually is not a bad idea, Because if I'm living comfortably and optimally and thriving in my home, that's my respite I'm going to be happier. If I have a facility close by where I know I can get good help, even if it's minor, I'm going to be happier and I'm going to thrive. So it's not putting off things later. And then you're SOL, right, Because you're like crap.
I should have thought about this before I bought this four-story mansion, Absolutely In the middle of the woods.
And boy, there are some great conversations going on regarding living and group living, and how does that work? It's just fascinating. And here's an important fact In 2021, the World Health Organization identified retirement as almost like an epidemic. It's costing societies billions of dollars. And it's because people plan, perhaps financially for retirement, but they don't plan for the fact that when you retire, what happens?
You get home, you're like, oh, I've been waiting my whole life to retire. Yay, I'm going to golf and I'm going to do this. Well, after three months, you're bored with all of that. Where are my people? Where's my connection? And if you follow that whole blue zone, well, people think, oh, it's the environment or it's the food they're eating. No, it's the connection and the honoring of aging, and you don't want to become invisible.
And so many people in your age group, Hilary, are frightened about retirement because seven out of 10 retirees plan to keep working. They may either love what they want to do or they're getting ready to segue and do something else. There was this woman who said I have been wanting to travel my whole life. I'm going to become a flight attendant. She's 63. She is traveling everywhere and having a blast.
Plus, at her age, she knows how to shut down people rather quickly and not get all flapped out about any crazies on the plane, and she's seeing the world and she's getting paid and it's a great easy, flexible schedule. There are so many ways to repurpose your lived experiences, but what happens is when people get home, all of a sudden they're invisible, they're not connected, they're treated poorly.
If they do go to look for a job, it's bagging groceries at stop and shop or something, and they don't know what to do. And they start to decline. Their health declines, their memory capability and recall capability declines and it ends up costing societies billions of dollars, which is why we have to reframe this time period in our life.
I want to talk about that for a second. And I love that you brought up the Blue Zones, because I've had Dan Buettner, who is the founder of the Blue Zones, on the show a number of years ago. And that whole idea of longevity is not just living into the centenary years, it's not just living past 100. It's living well and it community is a big part of that, like you mentioned, but it's also understanding what it means to.
If you are going to pivot and you talk about this flight attendant, how do you approach companies in a way where they don't look at you and you instantly hear well, you're overqualified. Well, we need a younger, more zest. Even though they can't say that, because that's age discrimination, it still happens.
The way to change policies, the way to change bias in a corporation is in court, and that's one of the beauties of AARP is that they are bringing these companies that are doing blatant ageism in their hiring practices to court. Then we also have to work on reframing. What does it mean to have an older employee?
Okay, because companies are wasting generations of talent every time they ignore someone over 50, because, again, they think you're permafrost, they think you're just going to fade off into the distance and then retire. And oftentimes it's not even about I want to, don't want to pay you your salary, right. And then the third thing is the fact that resumes, you have these things called. What are they? Ats, ast, yeah, automatic tracking systems yeah, they scan your resume.
Well, I interviewed a phenomenal woman who has a resume business because at the age of 58, her current company at the time had downsized and she had decades of outstanding especially in tech behind her, could not find a job. So she went, learned all the things about resumes, took all the courses, got all the certification and launched a resume business SA Resume Services.
And what she does is that she gamifies your resume so that it can get past those scanning systems, because that's another huge barrier to entry. And one of my funny stories about Sandra Allison is that I'm interviewing her, she's 72. We're having a great conversation. She says well, I'm a gamer. Well, my bias kicks in and I'm thinking what bridge Bingo?
And she's like, she's like Fortnite, and she's like.
Andy, I have been gaming since we had to use punched cards for mainframes. I shoot zombies for leisure.
Oh, that's too funny.
And she's got your one eye that does. She can't see out of one eye, she can't really walk, but she has a thriving resume business that she figured out how to help people get on boards rising executives, people who want to stay in this C-suite in their 60s. There's so many different ways and pathways, but it is going to take time. Now, look, you're going to want to negotiate a 30 hour week. You don't want to be part of that hustle culture after the age of 60.
But you can still get a lot out of someone in 25 or 30 hours.
And there are people that I've had conversations with that maybe they've had a really wonderful productive financially what's the word? They've just been. They've had a great career right and now they're pivoting. Maybe they are a stay at home for a while and they're like I have a lot of experience. I want to get back into it and they're actually okay without doing 40 hours, without even sometimes having the benefits, because maybe the spouse has that.
Or if you're over 65, you've already got, you have Medicare, you already have your supplemental covered.
So yeah, and maybe they're not even worried about making the kind of salary they were making. They're like I just want a little purpose in my life to do what I love to do they were making. They're like I just want a little purpose in my life to do what I love to do. But they've run into. It's so hard to get hired because they think I'm not going to do the job. And it's like you're right, I guess it's going to court.
It's fighting the battles, it's proving that it's like going back to old times with it.
Takes a village we learn from our elders. It really does and shows like mine with Don't Be Caged by your Age and so many other pro-aging platforms. There's a great platform called Ageism Is Never In Style and I'm telling you, europeans are way ahead of the game here than the US in nailing this down.
I mean, I interviewed a woman who she worked for Voice of America for 30 years in sub-Sahara Africa journalist right, and when she turned 60, she said I want to model, I want to act, I want to do all of these things. She's knocking it out of the park.
Wow, I love hearing stories like that. I think about my heroes, my heroines, people who have really inspired me, one of which being my mom and I sat in a huge auditorium arena about six or seven years ago right before the pandemic actually and I'm really glad my mom walked because she was like, oh, maybe I'll delay it a year. My mom got her college degree, something she started 60 years prior and just to complete it yeah right, the clapper, just completing it was her task.
It wasn't to go back into the workforce and just to complete it yeah right, the clapper, just completing it was her task. It wasn't to go back into the workforce. And it was so amazing to see her walking in with thousands of 20 year olds around her, had her little mortarboard decorated, the news covered her. I mean, it was like it was motivating and inspiring and there are so many people doing that.
But there are also people going back in their 60s and 70s getting their law degrees and practicing and publishing books. I mean, right, there's no end to what we can do. And I think about where I am right now, at 51, where I might be at 61 or 71, like I'm just getting where I might be at 61 or 71. Like, I'm just getting started, so I want to learn from renaissance rock stars like yourself. And that leads us into something I'd love to talk about is.
¶ Creating an Intentional Energy Portfolio
What you mentioned is the energy portfolio. Can we touch on that?
As you age, you have a deeper appreciation that you have an expiration date somewhere down the road and that what is the best and highest use of your time and that is the valuable currency is the time. And therefore, what level of energy do you want to give to the tasks and pursuits of dreams in your life? Have someone help you understand where do I want to put my energy, and especially women.
You know you can get sucked into doing some stuff Coupled with the toxic hustle culture that we especially grew up with in the 80s and the 90s and the 00s. Right, and currently it's all about living to work. And when you look at your energy portfolio, you're looking at working to live.
You're taking almost embodying that European mentality right and saying, okay, I want to have time for things that I love, that that are hobbies, that are passions that have nothing to do with fueling my passion, but there's a passion for something that just lights up your heart and understanding.
You want a certain flow to your day so that you're not being a puppet for a puppeteer, and that's what's so hard about the toxic culture hustle culture is people think that they have to put in gobs of hours and you can negotiate this with anybody you're working with, but it's really helpful if you can sit down with someone a coach, a life coach, whatever, whomever to help you understand what does that look like, what does that feel like, and then be committed
to that so that you don't get drained of energy, because, as you age, your body is going to have different requirements, but it's finding out. Well, what does my energy portfolio look like? What do I want to put in there? And, more importantly Hillary, you mentioned this earlier the purpose. Humans need to be on purpose.
You need a reason to get out of bed, and part of that understanding your energy portfolio is where am I putting my energy today and how am I having that as a flow, so that we have our not to do list, our to be list, right?
Yes, thank you for saying that it's about being not doing. We are so caught up in that and I cannot agree with you enough on that, because when we come from that culture, that hustle culture, we think if we're not doing, we're lazy. Then we start putting these words on ourselves we're lazy, we're not productive, we're not worthy, and that is completely the opposite do you know about the nap ministry Hilary?
do tell the nap ministry trsey. Oh my gosh, just put it into your Instagram feed, folks, or Google it. Tricia realized she's a woman of color and she realized, especially for black women, part of the DNA indoctrination throughout the generations was the work of a slave slaving away all day, and so what she focuses on is rest, is resistance to the hustle culture, and, instead of trying to do 90 million things all day long, take a nap, take a rest, take a moment to meditate.
Do you really have to do that? She has cards. She has a book. It is so fascinating and so wonderful. As a four times founder and being a global mentor in the startup ecosystem for eight years, I saw the hustle culture take a toll, especially on those who are parents and founders, and it just is toxic. Toxic productivity, right, toxic positivity those are all things that do not serve us.
So in our energy portfolio.
To sort of wrap that all up is what are we going to put into that space and place? And be conscious, be intentional about that, so that you can actually use it as a filter. Oh, does that fit in my energy portfolio? Nope, it doesn't. I'm going to say no to that.
¶ Intergenerational Connections
Yeah, I find myself talking about currency more in a different way, and it's not necessarily financial, because currency could be time, it could be rest and repair, it could be love.
Currency means so many different things and I have to say, even this younger generation, I think, is getting it, because they might be deciding I don't want to go to an office every day and spend three hours of my life on a train and miss time with my family, and I do think there were some benefits that came from the pandemic that we're realizing. Time is probably one of the most important currencies.
It's a unit of measure, and how we're spending it because it is the one thing that is not promised to us is really important.
And you bring up a very important topic, which is intergenerational friendships and relationships. And what happens? I hear a lot from the boomers and Gen Xs. Oh, those lazy millennials and Gen Zs Like, look, they've got different values than you we all were raised with, which was to give up all our spit and everything we have inside of us to our work.
And these kids watched us go off to work and had the spit sucked out of us and come home and nothing left for them and they're like no, no, no, that's not how we're going to live our life. So we have that. But also, yes, maybe it might be lovely to be in a 55 plus community because you don't have any screaming kids, but where are you going to find those intergenerational relationships?
So when I interviewed Carrie Hannon, she had had her own business for years as a journalist when she got picked up by Yahoo Finance and they wanted to write for her, them and speak about retirement finance and all of that. And who was she going to be reporting? To? Someone 20 years younger than her and she first was like I don't think so, because we're caught up again in that story about we have to be the top dog because of our age or whatever.
She is having a blast working for her older, her younger manager right Reporting to this woman. They're learning so much from each other. So when you get different generations in the room, it's wonderful and I can tell you firsthand. Anytime I walked into a room filled with startup founders the 30 and younger group they glopped onto me Andy, you're the most fascinating person in the room. You're this. You're that. They don't see that you're old.
They see your enthusiasm, they see your knowledge, your wisdom. They do not have this bias against you.
I can totally identify with that as a college professor who has been teaching communications journalism for over 10 years. The students love to learn from those who are in the field, like the adjuncts, not just the ones that are sitting in the offices full-time professors. They love the adjunct professors who are out there doing so. When I, or being more likely so, when I've been in as a journalist, I'm still in that field, even though I'm doing, you know, my work in trauma as a practitioner.
The other side of HIListically speaking, is still the journalist. So when I work for big corporations and I have a producer that is guiding me as the host, as the reporter, I love that. They want to learn from me, but you know what I learn from them. I used to tell that to my students all the time. I'm like you know. So it's really building these relationships with every generation so that we can find ways to learn from each other.
You know, and again, corporations need to do this. Society needs to do this.
It's a lot of fun.
A lot of fun. You give new meaning to multi-talented goddess. I would look up in the dictionary multi-talented goddess, and there is Hillary I appreciate that. Oh my gosh, if anybody listening or watching can we get like a high five on that. I want one of those, a fist bump.
I love it, thank you, and I think we learn from each other, you know, when we open ourselves up to knowing that somebody has something to share. It's one of the reasons why I love adult living facilities, right, I love sitting there and listening to the stories that are shared that are only things that I've heard about on TV or in movies. You're hearing the story firsthand from somebody, and it's a generation that I believe, especially 70 and up, where they become silenced.
They're part of the silent generation, and being able to sit there and listen to their stories and hold their hand and let them know that they're heard, I think is so valuable.
Oh my gosh, and with all the guests that I'm interviewing, because, folks, you have to be old enough to be on my show. It's a 60 plus show. Hold my seat. Those in their 70s and 80s I kid you not, and 80s I kid you not. The resounding words that I hear are this is the best time of my life. I've been waiting my whole life to have this life, so how encouraging is that.
Right, yeah, yeah, it really is, and I want to stop for a moment just to remind folks. We're talking to Andy Lyons. She is the host of the popular Don't Be Caged by your Age podcast. That's what we keep talking about.
She's referred a couple of episodes as well, getting in touch with Andy tuning in Look, if you're over 65, maybe you might be a guest, but you're definitely going to resonate with this, whether you are 65 and over or under, because at some point we're going to be there and at some point we are there and at some point we want to know how to even live better.
So it's such a great resource to have this kind of podcast out there on the platforms, so that it's bringing new ears to the podverse, right, this amazing thing that we have out there. And you and I had a chance we met actually at PodFest, right.
Is that where we met?
Correct. Yeah, and here we are today, you know, joining forces in a way. We talked about the energy portfolio. I love that. We're going to add that to the notes as well.
Yeah, one thing I'd love to bring up and and I know listeners and viewers have seen this which is the infantilizing of folks over 60. Oh honey, can I get the oh dear, oh sweet? You know? Just wait a minute. Hello, I have lived 60, 70 years. I'm a grown ass woman or man Don't be treating me like I'm two and a toddler and that's something that's really really important.
That we have to remember is to start hearing the language in our heads, just as you've become aware of your other biases over the years and you've been able to be more forward thinking and awoken about your communication. It is the same thing. Look at that woman or man and honor them instead of talking down to them, and same thing. One thing you can absolutely do is stop buying the Hallmark cards that make fun of being old.
Yeah, I never thought about that. You know, we're kind of we're shaming it through humor.
Absolutely, and you know it's hard enough for all of us as we age and understand the human frailty and our bodies and the crepe skin and surgeries that have to happen or you're on different meds because your body needs help and functioning. But as I've heard one one woman said, if forgetting things was a sign of old age, then I am younger than many teenagers in my home or folks in their early 20s. They're constantly forgetting things.
Oh, my gosh. And let's talk about, even as a woman, everybody's blaming menopause, oh, menopause, oh, I'm so forgetful. Menopause and I hear that all the time, and there's a lot of people out there that are in that field now, coaching in the menopause space, and that's great, you know, having a sisterhood and having support as we grow older is wonderful. But I also feel that that is an age that we are starting to make fun of and blaming it on menopause.
And instead of empowering the symptoms, as estrogen leaves your body, it is leaving certain things behind. You can use it as a letting go process. You can use it as I am being unshackled because, wow, when women hit their fifties, all of a sudden their level of responsibility for others has decreased in a significant way and they can really focus on themselves.
So if you can reframe the story from being a victim of menopause to hey, just like diabetes, you're going to have to get some insulin so you can continue to be a powerful person, or you need to do something else for parts, high blood pressure meds so you can help your heart get the blood around your body. Menopause you figure it out. You figure out. Do I need bioidenticals? Because my body without estrogen, I'm a mess. I don't even recognize myself. Boom, get on the bioidenticals.
Whatever works for you, hot flashes. Use that as an empowerment instead of again a victim, and switch the narrative around what happens, because it perpetuates the belief that how can we trust a woman in menopause if she's going through?
Sure, I mean honestly, one minute you're homicidal, the next minute you can be suicidal, but if you're using that as part of stepping into your greater power as a warrior, as a person, a woman in the world, instead of being diminished because estrogen is leaving your body.
Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Whether you've had children or not, there's still that moment where you just said about being the warrior. It's like, by the way, we push things out of our body in the size of a watermelon, out of a size of a pea. We can deal with menopause, don't you worry about it. We're designed.
We're designed If you look historically, you were only valued during your reproductive years.
Yeah, so now.
I don't have to reproduce anymore, I don't have to worry about any eggs anymore. I don't have to worry about any of that. And as a woman who went through menopause at the age of 48, 20 years ago oh my God, so freeing. And it really is perimenopause that drives you crazy. And it really is perimenopause that drives you crazy.
the other side of menopause for the majority of women is you get back to normal, everything's fine and you are so much more in your power and and there are also cultures that celebrate women in their wisdom years, in the, the elder part of their lives, because you're the sages, they're the ones that have lived through
¶ Don't Retire. Rewire!
the births, the perimenopause, the menopause. Talking about the red tent is the perfect example, like if we go back to thinking about how cultures really were. Women are the true essence of keeping a community together. Not to shame the men in any way, not at all. I think we all have a responsibility. We all show up in our own way, how we. It takes a village, it really takes a village, and now it takes a global village and I think we need to realize how we can truly learn from each other.
But I do want to get into because we talked about this a little bit the elder planning. I know we talked about it just a tish, so can we talk about what that will really mean?
It's what are you going to do with this precious life of yours? One of my favorite books and I highly recommend it for any age is called Don't Retire Rewire. And so part of planning what you're going to do and this book has the best questions, thoughtful questions, to help you understand. How are you going to rewire yourself for this time period, Because you were wired for the last 40 years in a certain way.
What is the next 30, 40 years going to look like, given longevity is pretty much happening for many of us and so I see that book behind you. Yep it's done and and written by a woman datetician who actually, in part of her career, was the executive editor for Working Women, and she interviewed people from, as she likes to say, from Dubai to Des Moines about how they were managing the elder years and planning.
It's mostly finding out what fuels your passion, what's aligned with your personality and can fuel your pocketbook as well, Because many of us, especially boomers, have not saved enough money for this time of life, so you need to also think about how you are going to continue to earn money going through the process, and a lot of times you need a coach to go through that book with you, because not all of us are really self directed to plan where and how.
And if you do get ill, what will that look like? So on episode 18, I interviewed Deborah Greenhut. It's how, if you're going to suddenly be the caregiver because your beloved needs help, maybe had a stroke, whatever, or something happens to you and you need care, relying on your family will not work. Or for that one person who is local and wants to take care of the aging parent 20 hours a week is the healthy time that you're going to want to do that.
¶ Navigating Elder Care
So part of the elder planning is what are the community services around me? Who can drive me to appointments? What is? What is the council of aging in my state or the government's council of aging? What are their services? $12 a year you can get on AARP and you can get discounts up. I mean for forever. I mean from cell phones to anything. They've got the discounts for you. It's a big, powerful buying group.
Figure those things out because, as much as we'd like to think, our children, siblings will take care of us. At the end of the day, as Deborah said, studies show us they're just not that into you and that can be a problem, or resentment builds up because one person steps up to take care of that person.
One sibling. That is a big conversation I have been having with friends now that there's always one that is doing everything, and they and then you have resentment with it within siblings and no energy for you and what I learned from Debra.
it doesn't matter how good you are at delegating or having those tough conversations, let's go boom, boom, boom. She goes. Nine out of 10 times they're still not going to show up. You need to know what is out there and available for you for free, for or covered under your Medicare and your additional benefits. So you you get this, the basic Medicare, but you can buy, add on insurance and let me tell you, you can get great therapy for free.
You can find geriatric support out there for a small fee or free. You need that support, you need the counseling to deal with all the things, because it can be be really scary aging. It can be scary because the body is no longer able to function like it did in its 50s and just having support is helpful.
Yeah, you know, obviously, and if you have a good relationship with your family, your parents, or they're close by or they're close by, you feel this pull to want to to do for them. I don't want to move too far because then how, who's going to take them to their appointments? How somebody needs to know their what medicines they're taking. I mean, I'm a product of a dad who was sick my whole life.
I don't know anything other than that my father's no longer with me, but I have a mother who's getting older, and so there's that pull to want to make sure she's okay. But when it comes down to it, it I need to be okay. I, my emotional well being needs to be okay. And I think this also goes into the whole conversation about letting people who are meant to help in this, the health field, help, because the big thing you always hear is nobody can take them, take care of them as well as I can.
It's like, actually, that's very that is incorrect, because you are meant to be the emotional support, not the medical support or the legal, like you're not an attorney you're not a financial advisor or an accountant, you're not the massage therapist.
And also so many caregivers end up dying before the person they are caring for. Because they're in it for so 24-7, 365. Because it's an act of love and you love that person. But you have to learn the boundaries. So check out Deborah Greenhut. She has a caregiver's guide to make sure that you take care of yourself. 20 hours a week is the magic number. You feel wonderful for doing that. But how to get the free help? And then there's another platform called Ionacare I-A-N-A-C-A-R-E.
This is a tech platform set up for the sudden caregiver moment where you're doing life, is doing great and all of a sudden someone's in an accident or has a heart attack and all of a sudden you're a caregiver full time. You're like, oh my God, I'm not prepared. And people say how can I help you? And you're like I have no idea. They have actually set it up easily. Just set up a page that says I need this help and they can fill out the calendars.
We'll bring meals, we'll do this for you, we can drive, we can do all those things, so you don't even have to have the conversations. People can volunteer.
So I love everything that you're sharing, because these are conversations that sometimes are a little scary to have, but they need to be had. They need to be had before you wind up being in a predicament where you are not prepared for anything. So when you have these conversations now, you're setting yourself up for a thriving Renaissance age for you, for those you are caring for, for those you love. But mainly, it comes back to you have to take care of your own temple first, that's right.
¶ Rapid Fire
So thank you for everything. I do want to play a quick game with you. I know you have somewhere to be, so, if you don't mind, what I would love to do is play a little rapid fire with you. I know you're a girl that loves games and fun stuff. I'm going to throw out a word that you mentioned during this conversation. I want you to come back with the first word that comes to mind a little word association.
We're working your cognitive abilities Andy Okay. Tuned in and turned on Ready Tuned in turned on, let's do it Elder.
Vibrant Ageism, constraint, hustle, chillax. Ageism, constraint, hustle, chillax, that's a good.
It's not even a real word, but I love it. Currency. That will be a word in the dictionary one day I think I'm I go right to cash.
Okay, purpose ikigai nap rest, energy life renaissance flow, and this might be the first time I've ever said this. 67 and delicious.
It's brilliant.
¶ Ande Lyon's wisdom bomb
I love it. It's brilliant. That is so great. You're such a light. I love it. You are truly inspiring and I've learned so much for you.
You've you've shared a lot today that I'm going to put in the list of notes of this episode of Holistically Speaking, because there are books you tossed out obviously, your podcast don't be caged by your age but a lot of resources that you share that I want folks to know about, whether you need them now or in five years or 10 years, because it can be very helpful for us living in a Renaissance way of life, right Right On that note, I would love to ask if there's anything you would like to leave
with those tuning in.
I want to remind people you can do new things. New things, taking on something new, trying something new is the best gift for aging well, because it, first of all, it puts off any memory challenges for a good five years. When you take on a new something, whatever that looks like, could be flower arranging, painting, technology, dancing, whatever that looks like. Try new things.
It's great for your brain, it's great for your heart and, who knows, you might find something that fuels your passion and could end up fueling your pocketbook.
Oh, I like that brilliant love that, Ande.
¶ Hilary's Final Thoughts
Thank you so much for being here and just fueling that renaissance fire thank you so much for inviting me to join you for this delicious conversation. Hilary, you're a phenomenal host and you always bring out the best in your guests, so thank you.
Takes one to know one, you can do new things. Wise words from Renaissance rock star, Ande Lyons. We covered a lot of territory during this conversation from Andy's podcast. Don't be caged by your age to resources that you will find useful and make part of your life, and make it the best part of your life. And listen if you are not there yet, if you are twenties, thirties, forties, even fifties, 30s, 40s, even 50s, that is okay. You are never too young.
You are never too old to make tomorrow the best day ever. And you'll find all of that in the list of notes of this podcast, including how to connect with Andy personally.
¶ Podcast Resources
And if this episode touched, moved and inspired you in any way, or you know somebody that this might resonate with, pay it forward or leave a rating and review. Let me know how I'm doing over here. We are on all podcast platforms. We are on YouTube and I would love to hear from you. You can also join me in the Hug it Out Collective on Facebook. It is a supportive, safe container to share. Plus. Come to one of my Havening Happy Hours. They're free. We have them monthly.
You will learn how to be a happy, healthy grownup, be kind to your mind and learn some new tools in the process that are neuroscience-based. Holistically Speaking is edited by Two Market Media, with music by Lipone Redding and supported by you. So thank you so much for coming back time and time again, being part of the conversation and the connection and, as Andy shared, it is possible to forge new and unexpected pathways in your life.
All it takes is that first step in the journey and know that you are not alone when you're doing it, because I love you, I believe in you and I am sending you hugs every day. Be well.