Welcome to the heroic man. This is your daily call to adventure, gentlemen, and today we're talking about the neuroscience of confidence. Guys, quickly quick question. When you think of success, right, what is your idea of success? When you think of success, what is your, what is your idea of success? Because if, if, if you like the typical guy or you'd be like the typical man, then then, then I then, then often our idea of success, it's often the intrinsic one, right?
That, that, that, that we look at someone, right? We look at other people and we say, well, well, that person is successful, right? That person is super successful, right? That person is wealthy. That person is famous. That person has a million followers on, on, on social media, right? That person is super powerful, right? Or, or, or whatever. We, we, we, we use to define other people right? In, in how we perceive them to
be successful. And, and, and, and the reason we do that is, is because it's our current culture's idea of success, right? So I'm repeat this week is that, that, that, that if our idea of success is literally looking at other people and, and, and, and then defining success based on, on, on what someone else's success looks like, right, Because that that person is super successful. They have a great career, they have a great company.
They, they supremely wealthy. They, they famous, they, they, they influencer, they have millions of followers or that person is hot. They, they have a great body. They they sculpted, they don't, they have a six pack, whatever the fuck it is, right? Or we say, well, that person is powerful, right? Well, that's because our current culture, right? Is, is, is inculcating in US, right? The the, the view of success,
right? And guys, what we need to do is, is, is we need to challenge that, right? And, and, and we have to start thinking about about it, right? What does success really mean for me? What what is true success for me, right? And, and, and, and the thing about a psychologist, we understand that the true success isn't that, it isn't that, that, that extrinsic success, right, true success ultimately, right,
is, is loving our values, right? And, and, and, and I'm repeating this for you guys, their true success, right? Psychological, psychological success, right, is loving our values, right? And, And, and what's exciting about, about that right, versus the, the, the intrinsic success is that you can have instant success. I'm repeat this for you guys. That, that, that, that that's psychological success, true success, right? Is, is loving your values, right?
And, and the great thing about loving your values is, is that when you're doing that right, you can have instant success, right? Because why, when I, when I identify my values, right? And, and, and I then I love and I then love consistently with, with those values, right? Then it's almost like magic because I press though, right? I have success right now, right? And then even in the midst of
failure. So I'm going to repeat this to you guys that, that, that if I, if I identify my values, if I live with those values consistently, well, then guess what? Even in the midst of failure, I, I am successful, right? Do you see that, that, that you can be successful because you are living in, in integrity with your deepest values, right? And, and so that you, you, what happens is that we end up having success moment to moment to
moment, right? And, and it, it, it, it, it doesn't matter whether other people think that, that, that I'm a failure according to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to our culture's version of what success is. And I'm going to, does it make sense to you? Do you guys, do you guys see this, that if I identify my values, if I live with them consistently, right? It doesn't matter. I, I am successful in this
moment, right? And it doesn't even, it doesn't mean that that I have to compare myself to some, to some external version of what success looks like right then do you see this? So I can have instant success moment to moment to moment, right? And and then again, it doesn't matter how long I've lived with, with these values, right? I can literally right come up with a bunch of values that they don't want that I want to run my life back.
And, and as soon as I start living my life consistently with them, well, guess what? I have success. Any questions, Ben? No, I, I absolutely agree with this. My, my highest values are teaching, learning, leadership, you know, and, and I think, I think something that changed for me as I, as I, as I became a father is that like health and fitness used to be like a big, big value of mine. And when I, when we had the kids, that was like a competing value.
Like all of a sudden I couldn't train at the times I wanted to. And I saw this shift in my values. Whereas now it's actually a question you asked me, you said why did you want to make money? I think you asked me why did I want to make the money? And I mentioned all things about myself and he said, he said, wasn't it about my family. I think over the last two years, a lot of my driver has to be has been to create experiences for the girls.
So yeah, I think it's it's a really, really profound way to see confidence and success. You know, really, really. I feel very, very aligned with those. So yeah, I can I can relate totally. Yeah, you guys so, but you're no one's favorite subject now the neuroscience of confidence, right? And, and so I want to share 11 great concept that, that, that I literally love my life by right? And, and, and then I teach all of my, my coaching and therapy clients.
It's the, the, the, the acronym of fear and dare. So fear and dare, right? And, and so, so firstly, right, when we have fear, right? So, so, so the word fear, right? So when we have fear, the F stands for fusion. So FEAR, so the F stands for fusion, right? And, and, and so when we have fear, right? And, and what is fear? Well, well, well, a psychologist, we understand that that that fear is literally OK. So at any given time, you, you, you can either experience one of
two states. You can experience either fear or excitement, right? And, and, and so physiologically speaking, fear and excitement show up in your body, in your nervous system, exactly the same. It's the exact same physiological response, except right, that, that, that when you have fear right, you stop breathing, right. Fear is, is first of all, the founder of Gestal psychology said that fear is literally right. The absence of, of, of, of
breathing. It's literally excitement, except that you don't breathe right. So, so, So what do we understand? Our fear? Fear is literally it's a, it's a, it's a physiological response to a psychological phenomena phenomena. I'm repeat this for you guys, that fear, right, is a physiological response to a psychological phenomena, right? And, and so the, the psychological phenomena that a psychologist we call fusion.
So, so again, I'm repeat this for you guys, that fear is literally the the physiological response to a psychological phenomena that psychologist called fusion, right? And so when I have fear, right, what happens? Well, when I fear, I'm literally I'm fused, right? I'm stuck, I'm glued, I'm sold it right to my negative thoughts. And repeat this for you guys, right? We talked about negative thoughts over the last few days. And So what is fear?
Fear is literally right, a physical physiological response to what to do my negative thoughts, right? Because I have negative thoughts and because I have negative thoughts, right, I become fused to those thoughts. I'm stuck to those thoughts, right? I'm literally glued or sold it to those thoughts, right, Those negative thoughts right in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in. When I'm first to those thoughts, I'm I'm neither taking action right nor am I showing up right and doing the thing that
that I know I should be doing. Any questions Ben, about the F part? No, I I really love this. I was actually climbing crib. Go on in, in Wales and I and I got, I got quite fearful at the top and I actually remembered your, your voice on my shoulder saying fear is excitement without the breath. And I remember just breathing my way across the, the, the crib and I was like, my fear just dropped substantially. So yeah, it's super, super
pragmatic as well. Yeah, guys, the, the, the, the, the next part of, of, of a little equation, right? E right? And, and, and, and this is the one, right, that if you're an entrepreneur or whatever, right? This is the one that, that fucks us all up, right? So E is literally E stands for excessive, right? And, and it literally stands for excessive goals, right? Guys, we all have, we have goals, right? That, that, that fucking stress us the hell out, right?
And, and, and, and, and our goals are just so overwhelming. Guys, here's the thing, right? And, and, and, and I know this for myself, right? Both myself and Pete, right? I I've literally started a dozen multi million companies, right, big set of the awakened men right after having built his own his architectural practice to a million right and I can tell you this right and Ben Ben will tell you over the last few years we we build awakened men into 7 figure business.
But you know what again with even with all of the experience that years I've been in entrepreneur it is fucking it's tough it's not easy. Do you see that in, in So what, what? But what most of us do, right, because we have no other idea. We, we said excessive goals that, that we have no way of overachieving. We say to ourselves, well, you know what? I'm going to build my business into a 7 figure company or
whatever, right? Or, or I'm going to do ABC and in terms of my career, right, the goal is fucking excessive, right? We have no, we have no way of, of achieving it. We know no one has done it right. And guess what, right? We we end up literally overwhelming our, our nervous system. We end up stressing ourselves out right? And, and, and what we want to do right is we literally our, our goals literally cause us to, to live in, in, in a constant state of overwhelm.
And, and what we want to do right is, is to stop doing that right? The, the so, so that's the E for excessive goals, right? The, the, the, the a in, in, in, in fear, right? He stands for avoiding or avoidance, right? And do you see this? So, So what happens, right? And, and this is Benjamin Owens expertise. Yeah, right. That, that all of us, what we do is we, we, we avoid, right? We, we, we, we, we love to fucking be obsessed with
avoiding discomfort, right? And and and and and and and a major theme of, of, of being in heroic right is, is, is that we, we want to do the work, right? To get fucking uncomfortable, rather to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I'm repeat this for you guys. Guys, the work of being a heroic man, the work of being an awakened man, right, is to get fucking comfortable being uncomfortable. It, it, it, it, it's not about getting rid of, of our fear.
It's not, it is physically and it is physiologically and psychologically impossible, right, to get rid of your fear, right? And, and, and, and, and, and so we don't want to get rid of the fear, right? We don't want to get rid of, of the feeling of, of fear or discomfort, right? It's about getting comfortable with it, right? And, and, and, and then we do, and then we do what needs to get done, right?
And, and, and, and then maybe on the next call, you can do the, your favorite schools with, with the guys, right? So, so guys, the, the, the, a right, look at your life. Ask yourself, where the fuck am I avoiding discomfort, right? Because again, a, a, a huge theme, right, of being successful, right? He's getting fucking comfortable with being uncomfortable, right? And again, right, it's not trying to delude ourselves. You say, well, I'm going to get
rid of the fear, right? It's not, it's not physiologically or psychologically impossible possible to get rid of fear. What we want to do right is we don't want to get rid of the, of the feeling of the fear or discomfort. It's just getting comfortable with it. And then we do what needs to be done right. And, and the, the, the, the, the last part, the, the R right in, in the acronym fear right stands for removal, right? And what does it mean?
What will it stands for removal from or distance from our values, right? So I have values, right? But if I have fear AKA fusion, right, if I have excessive goals, if I have avoidance of discomfort, well, guess what, right? I'm far away. I've lived. I'm literally removed from my values. I'm repeat this to you guys. So the, the, the last part, the, the, the R stands for removal or
distance from my values. Because even if I'm living my life in fear, even fuse to my negative thoughts, right? If I ever, if I have excessive goals, right, they're stressing me the fuck off if I'm avoiding discomfort, right? Well, guess what, right? I'm literally removed from my values and and and and guess what? When I'm removed from my values, I will feel fear. So do you guys see this? It is literally right, a, a, a,
a sort of feedback loop, right? I have fear because I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm removed from my values, I'm fused to my negative thoughts. I'm avoiding discomfort. I have excessive goals, right? And therefore I, I, I feel fear again. And so we, what, what happens that is we love in, in this roller coaster, right, of, of our fear in degrading the fear. Does that make sense to you guys? Yeah, you're saying can you?
Can you? I got everything there but but I didn't get removed from my values how that fits into the equation. I just if you could re explain that for me. Yeah, guys, we have values, right? So I say to myself, so, So Ben, what are your values? Teaching, learning, leadership, and family. OK, teaching leading leadership and family. OK, so how do you teach? How do I teach from experience that I that I've I've undergo? So you're going to set, you're going to set a business to teach
people. Yes. OK, so that's how you're going to teach. So one of your values is, is teaching, right? How how are you going to achieve your teaching by creating a business that allows you to teach, right? But guess what? Right now, so that's that's a core value for you. But right now, what are you doing? You're not doing that. Why? Because right now you're fused to your negative thoughts, your negative thoughts, you But then you know what? Right now you're not enough.
You're not good enough to teach, right? You don't have enough skills, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Whatever those negative thoughts that we talked about. Do you see that? So. So now. Yeah, sorry. But I'm focusing, I'm, I'm focusing more on the fear than I am on my values. So like, say I want to like, I really want to help people. I want to help them do this thing. But then like that's my value.
And then I'm really fearful. I've got all my kind of myself sabotage my blocks going on. And I'm focused more on that than I am on the actual service, Right? I get it, I get it and some now. Yeah, it's good because again, the psychologist, we understand that there's only two things ever happening, right? Number one is I have painful, I have painful thoughts. Sorry. I have trembling thoughts and I have painful emotions. And my troubling thoughts, my painful emotions are what keep
me stuck. So, so so so Ben has his goal. He wants to be a teacher, right? But he's now used to his thought because his negative thoughts say to him, well, Ben, who the fuck are you to teach, right? You don't have enough, you don't have enough experience. You don't have the skill. Maybe what you need to do to do some other courses, read, read more books, blah, blah, blah, blah. So so now Ben is is fuse his negative thoughts, but those negative thoughts arise. Why?
Because because Ben is excessive goals, because Ben is saying to himself, well, you know what? I'm in order for my business to be successful, I need to make $1,000,000. And in order to make $1,000,000 this year, I need to teach who have 1000 people join my program, right? Do you see that right. But but that's an excessive goal because Ben has never created anything, right? He had 1000 members. So now what's happening, right?
His excessive goals, right are causing him to get even more and more fused because he's negative of us saying, well, Ben, who the fuck are you to be able to create a program that is 1000 paying members right? And so now what does what does Ben do? Will Ben does the avoiding of discomfort, But because Ben knows that in order to hit those fucking accessible, he needs to be other. He needs to be fucking hustling. He needs to be doing to be doing things that he's never done before, right?
But, but, but, but by definition, those things right require Ben to to do things that are fucking uncomfortable, right? So what? But what does he do? Well, his his negative thoughts have said to him, well, you know what, you're not good enough, right? So he avoids a discomfort, right? And and in in doing those first three things, right, Usually his negative thoughts, he his excessive goals are are fucking him, him up, right? He's avoiding discomfort, right? So guess what?
His values, right, get further and further, living with his values, living in integrity with his values right, get further and further and further away. He's literally removed from his values. And because he's removed from his values, well, guess what he feels? He feels the physiological sensation of fear. He feels the psychological sensation of fear. And because he now feels fear, it's now a fucking unhealthy
loop. Because the more he feels fear, the more he gets used to his to his negative thoughts. The more he gets few see negative thoughts, the further away his goals get. Because he to do a million a year, they need to do 100,000 a month. But this month he didn't do 100,000. Next one he doesn't do so well. Guess what? Now there's only 10 months left in the year and that 100,000, whatever that goal that he had now becomes even more, he now
needs to do even more right? And so he's going even more excessive, right? And the more excessive his goal becomes, he needs to even do more things that are uncomfortable. Well, guess what? Like he now avoids, he doing uncomfortable even more right? And the more he does it, the more removed he's from his values. The more removed he's from his values, the more fear he feels right then and on and on and on and on. Does it make sense to answer
your question, Benjamin? Yeah, yeah, perfectly. Yeah. I love that. I've got, I've got it down here guys. We haven't managed to go into DARE today, but I think that is quite a very, a very comprehensive breakdown of fear. Thank you so much for the call today. You've seen us. Marvellous. Thanks Guy. Before you go, we are a believer in the ripple effect. So who do you think would
benefit from this episode? That you could send it to a mate or a group of mates, a family member, a team colleague, that in turn they would listen to it and then they would become better and then the ripple effect would continue. Who could you send it to?