Can I change myself? (with Ben & Pete)

Ever wondered if real, lasting change is possible? Well, friends, you're not alone with that. It's a question Ben and I get a lot with the coaching that we do with guys, and we're going to talk about it today. Can I change? Can you change me? Fuck knows mate. Yeah, you know, I actually know. Do you know what? I think both of us are very good at this. Like, so I probably what I could say even in the time that I've known you.

So like, so just like an example of this, I remember both of us sat on a train saying how much we did add this taste for social media and how we didn't want to be that those people doing stories and showing up all the time. And we were like, can't we just have conversations and meet

people for coffee? And I like there was like both of us in that moment, our, our belief about ourselves that we weren't these guys that showed up on socials did all the, the, the influence and then we'll call it influence him for just kind of like a real high level look at it. And I remember you just made this decision. You like, I'm just going to embrace this. I'm just going to do it. And it wasn't like it wasn't this like I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

And then you didn't do it. It was like, I'm just going to do it. And then all of a sudden there's this massive change where you went from your pitches on Facebook or Instagram being couple of Thor, maybe some of Leo. So all of a sudden there was these 6/10/15 Reels a day, not Reels Stories a day going up. And that was just a big shift in you. You changed yourself in a very, very short space of time.

And I think that is probably one of your master skills is seeing, seeing something that you really like in some like a mentor. I know you know, you, you invest heavily in mentorship and coaching. You see something in them and you're very, very good at bringing it into your own operating procedures and changing narratives. Perhaps like, Oh, I'm not the guy that does that. So that's what I I my thoughts on like this initially are. Yeah, yeah. And I and I remember that

moment. I remember having so much reluctancy to putting myself online. So now I'm the operations guy. I've always been the operations guy. I'm cool behind the scenes, don't want to be in front of the camera. And at the time, my my wife, now ex-wife, she was kind of like she was building her own influence. So she was loving the camera and always and it was always, hey Pete, take a photo. Hey Pete, take a video. So it was like there was also that for me as well.

I don't want to get, I don't want to be that person. Yeah, yeah, I, I and I'm the same. I think I've been the same. I love, I love talking to the camera. I hate posing. Like doing a false pose for me was really like, really, really uncomfortable. And I even remembered, like, we did a recent shoot where I just got some stock footage for my promotions and I remember just posing and feeling really uncomfortable and like, we're going to talk about this in the

podcast today. It's like that was real pain for me. So it's like it, you know, probably in front of an audience of 1000 people. I'm like comfortable, you know, maybe a bit bit, but at the same time, but make me pose and put a :) on for a photo and I'm like, this is really, really uncomfortable. Yeah, well so last weekend I just hosted an event in London and had 40 plus guys come and it was an amazing event, 2 days.

And one of the guys said to me before the event started, bumped into me is like, do you don't get nervous like about hosting this sort of thing? And my response was, I feel though, I feel the whirring in my stomach, but I don't label it as being nervous. I actually label it as it's the fucking energy that I'm that I'm building right now and I'm going to cultivate and I'm going to bring that into the room.

And like, I'm like, dude, you will see it later and I like you'll see it. You'll fucking feel it. But there was absolutely a time where that was not the case for me. I remember in my early 20s when I, I actually wanted to be a pitch designer. So I wanted to stand essentially in front of groups of people, corporates and pitch designs to them, which was it was a high

paying job. It's also, it's a job with a lot of status, like to be the pitch designer, to be the guy that's winning projects for your company. You get a lot of status on that. I wanted to be that guy, but I'd fucking ship myself even thinking about standing in front of people and essentially pitching to, to win a project. But for a good year, 18 months, I just consistently put myself into those scenarios, even though I was fucking cheating myself, consistently put myself into the rooms.

I I remember like going to these pitches and I'd have music playing in my ears around like a bit like motivational talks, right, And I'd be highly caffeinated. I'd be doing anything to like just make sure that all's tactics to to get me through the door. And so many times, so many, like I fucked pictures up and like I'd lost my words and was standing in front of 1020 people like like in her endless over time, I got really good at it.

And now, like you can, you know, talk in front of thousands of people. I can I can host host a room so, so comfortable, but there was a huge period of being incredibly discomfortable, uncomfortable. But the out on the on the other end of that is change. Yeah, I am.

I think the great question for the podcast today is like, can I change myself? And I remember there's been like so many times in my 20s where I let people down. I was so disorganized and, and had that question in my head and I'm like, am I, am I going to be living a life of this?

Like, is this my life where I'm just have to face these kind of frustrations with myself all the time, like chaotic finances, chaotic relationships, chaotic and knowing that it was all my own doing, like knowing that I was the root cause of all of it. And, and I remember thinking, and anyway, it was, it was a, it was a moment. I remember thinking I was drinking coffee and I stood up a client, you know, she was a high

playing client. I, I rocked into the gym late by about two minutes and she said, where were you? And and she did literally didn't sign up because I was 2 minutes late. And she said, Ben, I don't have time for people like you in my life. And I was like, what? And I, it stung like crazy, but it will help me help me enormously. Anyway, I closed the gym up for the day.

I was really butt hurt. And then I sat in the coffee shop and sulked and I remember thinking to myself, like, am I just like doomed to this life of being disorganized, not doing the things that I said I would do, being like character traits of, you know, so. And this is that I think, can I change myself looking at where did all these come from? Like not only just from my mum, from my dad, but like my own

doing. I was like, am I just doomed to live a life of these shadow behaviors from my parents and my upbringing? And then it wasn't until I actually started working with a really transformational coach that ice really started to see massive, massive change. So so yeah, I just want to share like, we're doing the podcast today, having been in that place, haven't asked that question. I think it's a really, really important question for you to ask and answer.

I think that's step one is explore the doubt, exploring where you're doubting yourself. And and like, like Ben just said there like am I taking on the traits of my parents? Like, like where is this doubt coming from? Like is the have I have I got like this fucking horrendous fear of failure or horrendous fear of like people judging me? Like I had the fear, like I had the fear that fucking came fucking true as well. Like standing in front of people not knowing what to say in a pitch.

Like it came fucking true. I didn't die you, you know, I just did it again and I got better at it, did it again, got better at it. And those and those people, by the way, those people that I stood in front of fucking remember it. I fucking remember it so well. My MD was there and and I remember and I try and I really tried to ramp up the conversation as well because I knew I was fucking up and it, it was like a fucking lead balloon.

It was like a level of oh, no one responded to my bid of yeah, it was the room was fucking silent. And I remember I was fucking so red. But I just did it again. I did it again. And those 10 people that were in that room, I bet they don't Remember Me now, right? No, I can't remember their fate. I can't remember who they are. I don't remember the fucking name of the company. Just remember it happening.

That was years ago. Yeah, they, they the best like the I, I was like, whenever I'm going to try and do something. So say, for example, you've clicked on this podcast today, you're listening in or watching, and this is a big question for you. Can I change myself? I, I always think like, where can I go to explore this?

And I, I loved Steve Chandler's work on this, like Steve Chandler. So let me just kind of give you a background on Steve. Steve is one of the best coaches in the world and one of the most highly acclaimed coaches work with some of the biggest names in business and with Brian Johnson from heroic and he's like such a plow in the coaching industry. And there was one specific book and it's not even the book itself. It's the freaking title that says everything.

It's the story of you and how to write a better 1. And in the in the book, he talks about these ideas of we live inside stories and we just have a story. We, we've at some point we've made a story about ourself that we've made permanent. We have this idea of something called and this might be something you want to write down. And it's a it's a word. Is it 2 words that have really helped me understand and and answer this question is idea of personal permanence.

So personal permanence is this belief that we are somehow fixed in time and space and we'll never change. So when we recall a friend from university or college or school, when we think about a, Hey, I knew Pete back in, Oh yeah, he was that this this guy and he had these traits. The way that your mind works is you don't imagine Pete as he is

now. You imagine Pete as he is or was 1520 years ago, because you have this idea that Pete is fixed Pete. Pete was this, there's this identity that's fixed and is the same. And anyway, this like, I was like, yeah, it's so crazy this idea we have this idea that we have this personal permanence. And I was like, and it was really interesting. There was a guy in my school year who was an absolute failure. Like the guy was just like a layabout, never did anything in his life.

He was I, you know, I used to think he was thick. You know, I was like, this guy is like intelligence is somewhat poor. Anyway, I was walking through Clandido Town, which is real small town vibe, and I bumped into him and I was like, hey, man. And he's like, in turn around. He'd had his teeth done. His face looked good. Yeah. The sun tan, his clothes looked on point. And my brain was going wild. I was like, this guy is

different. He's like taking it. And I was like, dude, I was like, I mean, I can't just say you look incredible. And he goes, oh, man, back in school, you knew me when I was back in school. Like, you know, I've got my own company. I've got the doing this. And I was like, oh, wow. And like in that moment is one of those moments where I was like, change is possible. He was not the, he was categorically not the same guy that I knew in school. He wasn't, he was a successful guy.

Vibrance and that. And it's this idea that when, when we believe change is possible for ourselves, we believe it to be possible for others as well. And that's why it's so important as a coach, as a consultant, as even a therapist, you've got to believe that you can change because you because you've got to believe other people can change. So that, that was my experience of it. And, and the the words that I think that we hang on to it is the idea of personal permanence.

I am the same person no matter what. Yeah. And I like that. I've not, I've never heard of that before. And I'm going to relate that to Yeah. And what you talked about there like you are the story that you tell, but you're also, you're also your habits. It's like that, that story that you tell coincides with your habits. And then you, you are

essentially your habits. The way, the way you wake up in the morning, the way you go straight to the toilet, the way you think, the way you think when you wake up in the morning, when you go into the toilet, what you're thinking, whether you're thinking gratitude and I'm and I'm so blessed to be in this place or whether you're thinking, fucking hell. Got that e-mail to say. And I've got that to do.

I can already hear the kids getting up, right And then whatever you do after that and after that and then after that and after that, highly, highly likely it was the same thing that you did yesterday and the same thing that you did the week before and then the month before that. Highly, highly likely. Like it's not as though like you wake up this morning, Ben and we're like, do you know what? Today, complete new fucking identity. Just going to take that mask over there.

Take this one off, put this one on. New done. New habits, new fucking everything. Highly, highly unlikely. Like we are our habits. We are the stories that we tell ourselves. Yeah, there there is actually something I've I've really had a revelation around. I've I've done a lot of work with Benjamin Hardy over the last say, say 6 to 12 months. Like I told you to read his book Pete, you know, he's one of those books in it. It's like. Gotten good book?

He's such a good book. He's like one of his many books, but and I and I one of the things I do really, really well when I get an author, I read all of their work and I'll read it multiple times and I'm still rereading and his books at the moment and his concept around your your past creating your who you are in the moment. Most people think that they're created by the past and it's not actually not true.

And it, and it is actually, this is his, his argument against this is actually really powerful about especially with how can I change myself is that most people believe the past creates the present and your present creates the future. That's them. That's their way that they think. So we think that we are a product of our past. So when we want to look at like who we are and the moment we look at blaming our past, however, he argues that your future creates your present and

your present creates your past. And let me let me explain this. When you think that your past creates your present, you believe that you're a product of all the things that have happened to you, all the thoughts and habits of the behaviors, and that's who you're living and breathing right now, which is true to an extent. The results you're experiencing now are a result of the things that have happened. However, who you want to become and who you're going to be is a

result of your future. And the way that he talks about this is when you have a brighter future, what happens is you start to change the way that you behave in the present. And when you behave better and you think better in the present, you also look at your past differently. So your actual past changes because of the way that you're

looking at it now. This is like, for example, when you look at three wins every single day when I've done what's, what are three things that have gone well today And you stack them every single day, day after day after day after day after day after day. All of a sudden you start looking at your past in a different way and that changes. So actually the past just becomes a subjective interpretation of what we're experiencing in the moment.

And and that's like what he talks about when in terms of trauma, he talks about trauma is, is just an experience that hasn't been made into a win. It's such an amazing concept. So let's just kind of put this into the context of what we're talking about now is do I believe that I can change? Yes. And and not only can you change in the present, you can actually change the way that you look at

your past. And I think this is so important for so many of you guys listening in is that you probably thought divorce happened to you. Your business broke down because of you. You you're the failure. All these things had negative consequences and they hurt you. Until you reframe them and say saw that all happening for you, it will continue to be painful. It will continue to inhibit your change.

So this is the stuff I'm getting at the moment from his work and it's really, really helping me see not only my own life, but the lives of clients as well. Such a great insight. That's a fucking such a powerful insight. It is, but it like here's an example. When I went through divorce, the the moments of like when I was in that when it was so fresh was so fucking painful. Man, yeah. So it's just just so, so

painful. And I had people around me saying, dude, some stage you're going to look back at this and it's going to be one of the best things that ever happened to you in the moment. You can't see that. Mate, I, I get what you're saying, but it's hard to hear,

right? But now, now I can now like because my mind is in a better place, I can look back at that and go, wow, yeah, what a gift. What a gift to all the lessons that I took from that relationship and actually over the last like years since I've separated, I probably had more growth in that year than I had in the previous 6. Fucking hell what? What a gift. So I can see how that concept works. But I think you would like it. I mean, we've talked about this

before. Is that you one of the things that you were Catherine Woodward Thomas? Yeah. So it's like you had that conversation with her, which was talking about not taking, like, making personal change. So you don't you don't bring all the shit from your previous relationship into the next one. It's like. And I think going back to the question we're talking about is like, can people change? Well, The thing is that some people actually don't.

They'll have a relationship. They, they will, it'll finish. They won't do any personal work. And then what they will do is they will just repeat the pattern again. Yes. And there was a, there was a, Oh my gosh, this is like, actually I had, I had a cycle of three-year relationships. And so I literally, honestly, it was like my, my high school relationship was three years. My university relationship was 2-3 years.

And it was like 3 years relate 3 year relationships all the way up to the point of when I met my first wife. And I think that didn't last long, obviously after the divorce either. So, and then I remember speaking to a therapist, Tim, I was speaking to Simmons. Like, I was like, yeah, yeah. And I noticed there's a pattern that three years. But guess where that pattern came from? My mum. Your mum. Them had three-year relationships and then there was so many three-year

relationships. They're almost like exactly 3 years. And not blaming my mum, but I'm just saying that that we become the patterns that we get from our our parents. And I think change, like can we change? Is that a decision that I'm not going to perpetuate those patterns? Yes, yeah, yeah. And it and it's a decision to not only acknowledge that, but then go right, like I just like I did with my previous relationship was like, OK, I'm

coming out relationship now. How can I just go into uncovering like where I was at fault during that relationship where I let things slip like how I can improve going forward rather than just going jumping straight into the next. But it's the same with anything. It's the same like say you have a business back up a business breakdown, you're going to start a new business. It's actually being aware of like why? The original business broke down. Same with your finances.

Say your finances have been a pickle for a long time. It's not right. Let me have a look at this. Where am I fucking up? What's my habits? What's my behaviours that I've consistently repeated over time? And just getting aware of all of those things. Yeah, there's something that I I actually like, Yeah. Like can I change? But how do I change?

And then, and then I think that's what is the nebulous, confusing struggle that a lot of people have is like, well, actually, this is the way I've always been. How do I change? And the first most obvious thing is time and attention. It's like time and attention. It's giving something time in your calendar and intense bouts of attention is, is the first tool to change anything. And it seems overly simple. But if you think about this right, you've got this character trait that you're lazy.

Yeah. This is what you believe about yourself. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person. I I don't like training or pushing myself hard. And I want to change. I want to change, but I've never been the the person that goes to the gym. Well, the only way that you're actually going to change that is time in the gym and attention. Like bring your attention to the gym for a period of time.

And it's amazing what happens when you see people that they, although, although they might have this story that I'm not this person that goes to the gym, I'm not a saver, I'm not someone who goes into long distance relationships. If they can just suspend that story, like just park it, like may it might be true, but we're going to carry on doing things anyway and just give something time and attention.

It's amazing what you can do Like, and this is where I I'm actually going to a bit of a, a challenge at the moment with, with ADHD. There's so many people pathologizing themselves with ADHD, and then they're like, I'm just, you know, I can't change unless I saw a person who can't focus. I can't bring my attention on something. I'm like, I am definitely in the category of people with terrible attention spans. Yeah, I can spend long stretches of time focused on something.

And here's why. I never bought into the story that I had ADHD or ADD, never even got diagnosed, never got statemented. And then I just spent time doing the things that actually improves my attention span, reading books, listening to audio books, going on long walks, focusing on one thing, meditation and that. And, and I think there's so many people do that now is that they, they, they pathologize themselves with something. And then they say, well, this is the reason I can't change.

I can't possibly change because I've got ADHD so I can't focus on this. Yeah, it's a label. Yeah, it's like, and sometimes it is a simply a, it's like it's reframing the label. Maya saw my mum a couple of weeks ago. I could see she's fucking so stressed. I could just see it in the way she looks, the way she's acting. She's so stressed. And I had a really long, deep conversation with her and I was like, she's just putting everyone else before her,

everyone. And I was like, you have to you have to stop putting yourself first. Just do, do something for yourself, whether that's some Pilates or yoga every week, just something for you to take yourself out of everyone else's equation. And anyway, right, she agreed, she agreed to do. And I messaged her yesterday. I said, hey, how's the plotties going? She goes, oh, well, I'm supposed to have my first session on Saturday, but Saturday is our

her her husband, my stepdad. It's his 70th birthday. In the evening, they're having a party. She goes, but I just, it's way too stressful for me to do the Pilates on the Saturday, so I'm going to have to wait until another Saturday. And I said, mum, you just labeled that stressful. Like why not just reframe that label from the hey, this is really stressful to this is my time to ground myself and relax before I've got a big day ahead of me with the party. Right.

And it and it is it's like just catch yourself where you've you've like Ben just said there. I'm like labeling myself with a condition or I'm labeling a scenario with arse is stressful. Arse is overwhelming. I've got so much going on right now. Try reframe because it goes back to the story you tell. I think the the the kind of the sentence was like I am someone who. Yes. I am someone who can't focus. I am someone who can't, I'm someone who can't eat just a

salad. I'm someone who who can't. Like, you know, if you were to finish that sentence out loud, I am someone who can't. And that's the like an identity you've created for yourself. And that's the great thing is that when you actually realize it's, it's very plastic, it's very changeable. It's very, it's, it's actually very, very, what's the word for pliable? It means you feel like it's actually really empowering as well. I think that I was someone who saw myself as really disorganized.

IIA default state for me was not to use my calendar, not to have appointments, and that's what I called freedom. I thought freedom was not having no appointments and it was chaos. It was really chaos. And then I worked enormously on that. And the only thing is in the last two or three years where I've thought a second, yeah, I'm actually quite organised. I'm not, I would never say I'm on the upper echelons of, of, of diligence with my calendar, you know.

So obviously this goal was going to be somewhat better. But I remember thinking I was like, hang on a second. No, this is actually, I'm really good compared to where I was. And that was something that was a big shift to me was like, oh, I can call myself organised now. Yeah, another, another reason why change can be hard is that it's highly likely, and you know, I do this, Ben does this, we'll have things in our subconscious. They're just not fucking aware

of that we're doing. So example of this last week, one of the guys in the Awakened Man, we're having a bit of a competition right now on sending out offers, proposals, see who can make the most money. Essentially, it's just a game, right? It's a really fun game. One of the guys who is incredibly intellectual, has a super, has a super great business, should probably be doing the best out of everyone has, I think made like one

offer, right? One of the other and one of the other guys who's new to the game has made like 67 offers, right? But me and then and this week I ironically sold to everyone and literally with a WhatsApp and a Stripe link, that was it. And this guy messaged me. His name's Al. I hope you're listening. And he was like, your funnel was literally a WhatsApp and a Stripe link. And I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking complicate things.

And then what came out was that because Al is highly intellectual and he's an accountant, and so for most of his life, he's actually had to make things quite complicated because accounting can be very complicated. And the way that he was taught when he was going for his college and university and graduate degrees and so on to become a chartered accountant, there's a lot of complexities

that he has to go through. And so subconsciously it's like everything, he has to make everything mega complicated. Every proposal has to be extremely detailed and has to really put a lot of thought into it, overcomplicating everything. Was not able to see it, didn't even realise he was making things complicated. And because of that complication, actually stopping him from going out and making

those offers, right? Whereas we saw that like, hey dude, you're just complicating the shit out of everything. Make this super simple. Just give people offers. But without seeing that, you see, it was just well within his subconscious. He just could. He just wouldn't have seen that. Yeah, I think the like I did the training a while ago on the many masks of fear. Like why wouldn't, why don't we change his fear like fear of like he's obviously got a fear there that even less.

It's complicated. All the IS are crossed and the T's dotted. He crossed the TS dot, the IS. But if if he hadn't done that, there's something's going to happen. Something bad's going to happen. And I think the the complicated mask that we wear when it comes to fear is that I'm going to make this so complicated. It justifies my ability to not take action and not change. And yeah, yeah, it's you feel that you feel justified in, in not me moving forward because things are so complicated.

Yeah, what? So if we were to map out some some paths to change? Yeah.

What do you think there would be steps? I think first of all isolate is going to be the first one. Is isolate what specifically you want to change? Because I think trying to change too many things at the same time is difficult. So say for example, you're disorganized, you're late, you're you don't keep your promises. You know, it all falls under the

banner of integrity. But it's like if you were to isolate one thing in your life and say, right, I'm going to change this thing, I think that that's the first place to start. Like whether it's self sabotage, whether it's lateness, whether it's paying people on time, whether it's money management. My belief is that putting lots of time and attention into one thing and and almost working on that thing so you see it making significant progress is a good place to start.

I believe that especially in self development, too many people try to change too many things at the same time and they haven't got enough time and attention to place on these different things. So I believe the 1st place to start is isolate. One thing you want to go to freaking war on, you're going to go absolutely all out.

You're going to, you're going to laser it like, you know, laser it out because when you start to try and change too many things, you just haven't got that ability to spread that across so many. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. It's essentially you are bringing awareness. It's you're cultivating your own self-awareness here. It's like, all right, well, where in my life that's, that keeps fucking coming up that I'm not where I want to be.

Yeah, in relationships, in health and fitness, in business, whatever that looks like. It's it's, it's getting real self aware on those areas and, and actually like journaling, like writing this down is mega, mega powerful. Like we can think and think and think in our heads when we start getting things down on paper. It's like, why do I, why do I do this? Where does this come from? Who have I learned this from? Like the what is this doing for

me by me doing this behaviour? Like why do I like this? Because sometimes like if this is a good one, it's like, why do I like this behaviour? It's why do I like eating lots of food? Why do I like not going to the gym, whatever that looks like. It's like, find the reasons that it's like keeping you safe and keeping you comfortable. It's really fucking enlightening to to know that and to figure that out. So self-awareness bring

awareness to all. Yeah, I think the next piece is like, get very clear on what changes that part of you. So I think so many people try and solve the wrong things with the wrong activity. So for example, most people think that doing a body transformation will change their self love. And this is something that I think is really important is that just getting thinner, it might facilitate some of the things that might make you love yourself more, but they are very different things.

They get very clear on what needs to be done. Like the the practice of learning to love yourself is mainly psychological, albeit can be you're done with going to the gym and starting to look in the mirror and saying nicer things to yourself. But be very clear on what it is that's going to make the changes that you want, because sometimes I think that we just end up doing the wrong thing and for such a long time. So you can have very targeted

approach. For example, one of the things that I think awaken man is very, very good at is allowing man to speak openly in front of other men and and get courageous, improve their integrity. And so if you're a man who hasn't, hasn't been making and keeping promises to people, get in a group of men and making commitments in front of them about what you're about to achieve is the that is actually the medicine, like that's the right thing.

Whereas if you're trying to improve your integrity by, I don't know, just trying to be on time more often, it's probably not a big enough shift. It's not a big enough commitment. Yes, yeah, we actually had that over the weekend and that was one of the guys things and and what are the, and this is actually what Ben said to you in the previous point was to keep this simple.

It's like one thing just just like what's the one thing that you can do that in doing so will make everything else easier or simpler. And this was what like one of the guys, he was like, this is what I'm going to do for the next 90 days. And there was like 4 things in there. I'm like, dude, you're fucking over complicating this. Your thing is that you can't keep to fucking your schedule. You're late, you're just late to things. And you and you put way too many

things. You're like, you allow people to go into your schedule. Why don't we just stick to your schedule for the next 90 days and that's it, right? Report back to the group every day. Done it, done it, done it, Just stick to that. But and again, it's this is, this is habit forming. You're essentially when you, when you're doing these things is that you are installing a new pattern, a new habit that you

can repeat over and over. And like we said earlier, your habits and your stories, they produce the result of where you are now. Yeah, I think, I think the next one for me would be watch for upper limit behaviours. So I was actually on a client call before this and like he's like, dude, yeah, I've been doing really well. I'm sticking to my structure. I've been following my, my, I've been following my calendar. And, and he was on holiday.

He was actually in a different country and I was like, well, what have you got in your calendar for the next two weeks? He's like, Oh no, I'm, I'm all over the place the next two weeks. So I can't put anything in my calendar. I'm like, oh shit. I was like, that's this is precisely when you most need to stick to your calendar. And I and I think what happens is we get a little bit of momentum with something and we cannibalise the results by thinking we're out of the woods.

And I think this is for a lot of guys, this is what happens. So this is, for example, alcohol. You think that you've done like maybe a month off the booze, you're like, yeah, I feel great. Do you know what? I'm just going to go out for one. I'm just kidding. I'm just going out for one. And that one turns into 55. You know, it's just like you're not out of the woods. You're like, dude, like get out

of the woods. And, and this is something I think that why so many people relapse is that they think they get a bit cocky about the power that that previous self, that previous person, that previous habit had over them. So I think what you've got to do is you've got to be very, very mindful if you're making change, you've got to totally cut off oxygen to the previous self, like the previous version of yourself. Yeah, and and also acknowledge that change is hard. Like it is.

We've all been there. Like, ah, fucking knock drink on the head. Do you know what? I'll have one. That's the that bit there is the hard that that in, in that moment where you have to be disciplined. Knocked it on the head for 33 days. Well, it's all right to have one. It's in that moment where you need your discipline. That's where it's fucking hard. Like cigarettes. I've knocked on the head for 60 days. So I just have 1 little cheeky one on them. Out without with the guys is the

hard not porn on the head. Yeah, this is this is a really difficult one for for a lot of guys. You know, I've been through, I've been through this, but I've still going through this. It's like, oh, I've not not watched porn now for a year. It won't hurt. It won't hurt that in that moment that is your fucking test, my friend. That is the heart. So I went through a relapse with it when with hotel rooms. Yeah, it's environments. I just.

Made this little rule I was like, Oh yeah, well, one of my way and then a hotel room by myself. That's when it's allowed, and then it's. Not dude, that is not just your rule. Isn't it all right? I just mate. What? Nice when we guys laughed when I said it, Yeah. Yeah, one of the guys on the weekend, and I know a bunch of them stayed in hotels and we're like seeing each other off at like 10:30 at night and he's, ah, fucking get back to the hotel, have a little just just

me and me in the right hand. Yeah. And then it was this, like, long joke for about 10 minutes about how, like, his, his iPad screen is going to burst open because there's going to be so much of it going. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I think it's, I think I just say what a lot of guys do. Yeah, the, the, I think that that's. But coming back to the point, I think this is actually so important. We've got to remember the the grasp that our old behaviours have on us.

And we're we're. So if you think that you can do the habit or the thing and get away with it not having a crippling effect on you for days afterwards, you you lie into yourself, I think. Yeah. And and I think you know what the film that demonstrates this the best is Frank the Tank in Old School. And he's just like, at this moment.

So yeah, if you haven't seen it, I'm not even going to explain the film because you just you need to you've got really got to look at yourself in the mirror and like, just think about your consumption. So there's a moment where Frank drinks from the beer bong and he's like, oh, as soon as it touches your lips And it's like the. Boy is drinking, He's like no, no, I've stopped drinking, I'm not drinking. He's like no. And he was persuaded into it by the young lad.

Yeah. And then, and then, and I think that's what you see in that is you see this this guy that's like kind of, you know, enjoying a mild life. He's not connected with anyone anymore. As soon as he had some alcohol, whoosh, he's streaking around the neighbourhood. And I think that that kind of is 1 some, some guys actually have a real issue with that. They do actually revert straight back into old habits very, very quickly. And that's why you need a group

of guys around here. You need a group of guys to like because to keep that standard same like you know you don't do this. But I don't. I'd also say this right? If you have a set back in your change, acknowledge it. Give yourself a bit of self compassion. Go fucking it. I've had this, I've had this habit for a long time. Right. I've I've thrown off the wagon. Fair enough. Then jump back on. Don't, don't. The last thing, the worst thing you can do is I'll fuck it. I've fucked it now.

Yeah, go back to normal. Yeah, I think that this is something I, I talk quite a lot with regards to changes that what the the win is, is how fast you get back on the horse, like the how fast you recalibrate and then the distance you can go. So like say for example, you self sabotage on a frequent basis. So then you go six months, then you go a year, then you go 2 years.

Like that's all wins. It's not that you're, you are a flawed imperfect human, but I think you've seen talked a lot about this with regards to drugs and alcohol. There is actually a 0 tolerance policy. It's like that that's something you just can't return to. It's like it's it's like, and it's the same with womanizing. It's the same with and it's like these are that they've got to be

hard nosed. Like this is like, say one of the things that you want to change about yourself is that you're unfaithful to your partner. You can't go from it's like you can't go. You can't just double in that you can't have a part. You know, I'm you know, I'm a recovering what's called womanizing cheat. What's the word for it? Is it the word for it? Nothario, whatever you want to call it and you can't go from like that's just got to be a hard no. This is a change that's

happening. I'm never going back. I'm just changing. I'm changing who I am and I think that that's I like that. There's a guy called Alexander

Debottom talks about this in the school of life and he talks about this idea of marriage and why marriage is a like a sacred practice is that we the reason that we sometimes stand in front of a group of our nearest and dearest and say these vows to this other person is we are all flawed when it comes to matters of the flesh. We, we, there's such a drive for especially men to cheat on their partners and see, look at

elsewhere. So what we did is a social practice where we make it even more shameful and hard to break a bond. So that's like one of the one of the reasons that marriage is, you know, made as it is in in his philosophy. And I was like, oh, that's such an interesting thing is like I stand in front of a group of my my closest friends and family, and so does she and we say that we're going to be faithful to each other forever more.

And what that does is it enhances the bond and makes it less likely with their work are going to go and cheat. And I was like, that's a really interesting argument for marriage And, and that's part of the change. So I go and think like, what can you do to make sure that you, you change and you change forever? Is you make the, you make the pain of going back so big that

it's just not an option. And that's where I think that you can really do yourself a lot of favours is like this is where you invest heavily in coaching or an event or something that you put so much into. The thing that you've you try to change into going back is just a terrible investment of time, energy and money. Yes, yeah, you, you force it. So it's like I fucking, I can't go back.

It's like there's no, it's like it's like with me now, like the lifestyle I live, like I have to earn a certain amount of money. Yeah. Otherwise, like I'm not, there's no fucking way I'm going back. And because and because of that, it's like I'm forced to consistently improve and carry out consistent habits of change to rise up. I think that's actually called a forcing function. I think it's actually the actual term for it is a full have a

forcing function. Yeah, but also part part of that, and this would go back to what you were talking about earlier with Benjamin Hardy, about having a brighter future. Like, I have a really clear vision. I have a big vision, and I'm always fucking thinking about it. I read it like two hours ago. Like, I'm always looking at the vision. I'm always looking at that's my future, that's my future, that's my future. Like how?

How am I being that person now? Yeah, the there's actually, Tim Ferriss talked about it in them for our body and he calls it a Harajaku moment. It's like when the pain is staying the the same outstrips the pain of change. That's when you'll change. So he called it, he he calls it a Harajaku moment. So let me say that again, because it's it's also known as the fucking moment. It's where the pain of staying the same outstrips the pain of change. That's when you'll change.

I've got this quote here which I screenshotted earlier is on my buddies Instagram. It says getting things done doesn't motivate me. It's what I'd become if I didn't get these things done that motivates me. Yeah. I can strong, right? It's it's like the consistently going into the bad habits, doing the things that don't break your barriers consistently over and over again. It's like Habits of that fucking scares the shit out of you who you will not become if you don't

break them. Yeah, I am. I think that, well, there's a, you know, we, we, I think a lot of the Waker Man stuff, what I base my coaching round is what 1 can be. One must be. I, I think that, you know, the Maslow quote of knowing that they're like every man. Every man has his deep inner knowing of who he's capable of being. We all have that and that is the biggest pain, like not achieving

what we're capable of achieving. And that has always stuck with me. Like I just want to see how far I can go. I just because I enjoy the process. Yeah, yeah. OK, let's wrap this up. Anything you want to add to that this Ben? No, I think, you know, I think endorsing coaching, you know, like for, if you want to look at a modality to help you with change, get a coach. It's like it's, it's a cheat code.

It's a shortcut. Get, you know, get in touch with the awaken man, get in touch with us Like it's, it's such an easy, it's easy way to speed up the certainty that you'll achieve the goal. And I think that the faster you achieve something, the more certain it feels, the more likely you are to actually achieve it. So I think just be really mindful that this is what coaching is essentially is helping you answer that question. Can I change and then actually

making it happen? Yeah, good round up. You can fucking change, but especially if you've got the right people around you. Fast tracks it, Team. Good to see ya, Ben. Good to see ya. Until next episode. We'll catch you then Team before

you go. If you're not following us already, can you give us a follow on Instagram? The handle is at heroic Man official. Two things on there. Number one, the link in our bio has all the information on our next meet ups, next events, and there's a number of trainings in it too. The second thing is, if you give us a follow, then shoot us a message, we will send you a free training on the four core archetypes that every man must master to succeed in this modern

Western world. That's it for me. I'll see you on the next episode after you've given us a follow. Cheers man, see you then.