This Glorious Mess: The Cupcake Fraud

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Hi, it's Anali's Todd here from this Glorious Mess, introducing hot Pod Summer, one hundred hours of curated listening across the Mummamere network, just for you to escape the chaos and enjoy with the kids at home and the weather warming up. We've got episodes of Parents' Anonymous to share. Parents Anonymous is part game show, part church confessional. You share your deepest parenting shame, and myself and Stacey Hicks rate you, but the worst parenting wins the most points,

Enjoy Parents Anonymous.

Welcome to this Glorious Mess. I'm Analyst Todd, single mother and free range parenting.

Enthusiasts, and I'm Sacy Hicks. I'm the deputy editor at Mamma Maya and a type perfectionist trying to be a gentle parent, good trying that emphasis on the trying.

Welcome back to Parents Anonymous.

This is your safe space where you can spill your worst parenting moments and will basically praise you for them, or not always praise you. You like critique a little.

There's vibe criteria, checks and balances.

Yeah, but we're here to make you feel better about them.

Yes. So it's Parents Anonymous. So you share your story and get the guilt off your chest, and we give you points based on our very serious and scientific grading system aka vibe check. But the trick is the worst parent you are, yeah, most likely, and it changes week to week depending on our mood. And hence what we said about the vibe check. Hormonal cycles do impact tolerance levels and that's fine, but basically, the worst you are, the more points you'll get.

Yes, and I'm feeling particularly fisty today speaking of the hormonals. Ohack, have we sind up?

Maybe a little cute?

So before we get into that, we always make sure that it is a trusted space where we confess something ourself. Yes, but I've kind of stuffed up this week. I've been an excellent parent.

Oh Okay.

I don't know what to tell you.

Is that what you think? Nothing to confess?

Nothing.

Well, it just so happens that my Instagram addiction and stalking has come into play because I believe that you took your three year old to a movie.

I did a G rated movie.

Yes, but what is the minimum age for popcorn? Stacy Hicks, You're about to say, popcorn.

To a three year old is not allowed.

I learned this for the first time from me. So you risked your child's life in a movie. I completely forgotten about this very moment, and then I put it on a public forum, so it days. I looked it up just because I wanted to make sure I knew what I was talking about. But popcorn is considered a choking hazard for children under four years old by the American Academy of Pediatrics.

I did spiral slightly. I have never given my daughter popcorn before because I was one of those I told you before cutting control freak. I cut the grapes, cut squished the blueberries. Still still three at three, she complains about it. It's okay, sorry, sorry for caring, but I'm saving your life.

Sausage, no circles.

Everything's in a stick form anale.

This is not how I parented.

This is the only reason my child's living and breathing today thanks to me cutting everything.

Well, I don't know how mine are alive, from toddlers to tweens, because my confession this week is we went on a little holiday and it was lovely. I a r I took my mom, so Nana was there, and I took my twelve and nine year old boys and we had absolute best time. On the first day, they have you know, like PSA's popping up on the screens and they were like minors must be in bed or away from public areas by one am, and I was like, oh wow, Like.

Who's letting them stay up for that? It's so weird.

And then on the last night, they had a nineteen eighties dress up theme. Now that is a youth theme dress up theme if ever I have heard one, and so perfect. We all dressed up, except my mom didn't. She's not as out there as us. And they had like an outdoor band and they had the cruise director and the people doing organized dance offs and sing offs. And then at one point Nana was like, I'm going to and I was like no, no worries. I got

They don't.

I think it's a good parenting movie because of the core memory exactly it's bonding and time.

What is time? We care?

Julie partied like it was nineteen eighty nine. I love it, But it was the next day. It was like they had to hangover. Yeah, so the very very tired we borrowed a lot of fun. Yeah yeah, from the day famously popcorn and partying.

That's us. I didn't explain the rest of the popcorn story. I have never given her popcorn. Before she saw the popcorn, it.

Was free that I didn't even know this rule existed. You're fine.

I whispered the entire movie too, Kelly, so as not to disturb anyone while she was eating it. And she survived. But me saying that on my Instagram story did send a lot of other parents spiraling, telling me that they weren't aware.

Of my or just didn't know it was a rule.

Yeah, they just didn't know it was a rule. They didn't know was a risk.

So really, I've saved other children's lives potentially, so ten out of ten to me, you need to move on from squishing the blueberries. Yes, Troublebrosa. This show does not exist without your guilty confessions. And as you can see, you know we release ours. I feel better, I actually feel a bit proud. Actually, you can leave us a voice note, or if you want to be fully anonymous, you can email us and we'll even read them out,

Yes, and on today's show, our mystery confessions, which we haven't heard yet are called present Bouncer, cupcake, fraud, relatable, and perks are.

For adults only aligned to proved hmm. Agreed, Let's go all right. First one present bouncer and I will read this out for full anonymity. I check all the gifts that my kids receive for both their birthdays and Christmas. I then hide anything that makes too much noise or a mess, like five hundred piece puzzles, drums, or make your own bracelets with one thousand beads. My kids don't know they never got the gift, and I always send thank you cards to the giver. That's thoughtful, good etiquette.

Okay, my first question, you don't have time for the thousand beads, which I am very alied to. No one has time for anything with beads, anything with glitter, anything with little parts that you could step on in the middle of the night.

BlimE is banned from my house. BlimE, yes, stains carpets.

And even stickers I'm not that great on they stick. My daughter sticks them to blankets and then you can't get them off. But you've got the time to go through all the presents, which I assume some of them are wrapped. So what are we doing there to suss out what the present is. Are you memory raprapre just doing a very dodgy resealed job.

So it's not only is she unwrapping and then potentially rewrapping, she needs to have an Excel spreadsheet to monitor and track who gave what gift so she doesn't regift back to.

The imagine exactly. Although you've got the perfect cover in that situation, because you can go, well, you thought my child would like it so much.

I got it. It was such a good idea.

Such my child loved it so much.

And then also you can only do this for a certain amount of time as well, like you've got an age kind of yeah limit because also they must be very small. But no, then why would they have bracelets one thousand bs? It's because and what's at a tree arge system? Like how are you getting the presence away

Cards as well, you're doing a lot, you're doing a lot, a lot. Yeah, but she really is saving herself. In the meantime, she doesn't have slime, she doesn't have beads or glitter. I do because I'm too lazy to do this system.

I'm in two minds because I think this is very good for Cosey lives in terms of the regifting genius.

She's taking a little cut of the child's presence, of which I'm sure they got lots anyway.

And that's the thing. Children are too spoilt these day. Yes they don't need all the things. But you know where it comes in for me, the inauthenticity, the line to the children.

You know what, Now you've said this, I'm going to gift all kids glitter and see if you like it.

I'm fine with glitter is just slime, hardline slime. Everything else is I'm going to give them a bulk pack of slime, and I'm going to hand it to them in a gift bag so they can see immediately what's inside, so you can't take it away. Mom does Okay, we do Father Christmas, we do lighter kids. So I've just got to put that because that's my little bugbear. That's my issue, not this.

Please. We lie to them all the time.

That's my issue. Okay, so that to the side. It's definitely saving a lot of headaches, but you are creating a lot more admin And yet the Excel spreadsheet, the tracking, the thank you notes, the unwrapping and the rewrapping of the present. Yes, yep, you go first, because I just can't. I can't decide.

I love a bit of organization, and I love that this is short term pain, long term gain. She's not dealing with these things for the months afterwards. She is having to do a lot at the time of the birthday or Christmas.

She really is.

But I like that she's gone, Nope, life's too short. I'm not dealing with those things in my house. I don't want them here. So this is how I'm doing it. So I like that. And a little bit of the lying to well, she's not lying to the kids. She's just not letting them see things that they didn't know.

She was running a regifting side.

Hustle, so it's a victimless crime. So I kind of like it. So I'm giving her eight and a half backs of slime out of ten, and I'm going to give you the same at Christmas.

All right, Look, I think I'm going to give her nine beads out of ten, which went quite high. One I came around, thank you, thanks for getting me off the fence. I love it.

And our second confession is called cupcake fraud. Something I feel like you know a little bit about.

Well, I don't know, because I never pretend to bake, but I'm really intrigued to see the four senticity.

Here we go. A few years ago, we had to make homemade items for a bake sale at school. It was specifically specified that it must be homemade, which I found, as you ladies like to say in.

Insufferable blind approach, that.

Is the most insufferable thing I've ever heard. So I obviously didn't bake, and I bought a bunch of cupcakes from the very pricey bakery in my suburb. Everyone loved them so much and wanted the recipe, so I had to play the whole I'll never tell, oh my god, but they have been my go to for all events, and then just last week the bakery announced they are closing.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say, wow, yeah, like seven years. They must have a few deep freezes.

I was just imagining the energy bill of the multiple deep freezes you have in your garage.

To fill up the cupcakes. Just to save face.

Okay, first point, let's go back to them making you make homemade goods.

Not aligned not a pro. First of all, I can't bake. It's like, okay, there's a time issue, like time for I'm just really bad at it. They either turn out into rocks or very flat pancakes. To be a cake, I don't know how to get the density or the rising or unrising right. They taste bad. I even stuff up packet cakes.

I was about to say, I'm the same even when I do them from the packet. How can I make this wrong? I'm only just adding eggs.

I don't understand. Or pancakes. You decide, choose your own adventure. Yeah, it's not fun for you. You're not getting to eat. I wonder why they specified that you must make them. It's like why, Like maybe they're one of those schools where it's gluten friend. No, because she would have included that. Yeah. True, and if it's just like you know, packet cake, they have that on the side. Yeah, but I love.

That you disobeyed the rules. It's my favorite thing that you've done that, mostly because I'm a goodie two shoes, and even though I'm a terrible, terrible cook, I would have still made them myself and had to deal with that embarrassment. You've just cut that out and gone Nope, not sticking with that. Yeah, I'll just go and buy some.

Do you know what. I would have almost cooked them and just shown just how bad they can be as like a teachable moment. Yeah, this is why you shouldn't special. Why should have made me do this?

This is your own fault that you're now feeding these to the children.

We all have skills in life, yep. And if you make us do a skill that we're not good at, this is the outcome, and this is resilience training for you and your rules.

This is what you get.

Yeah. Well, so don't get upset. Yeah, just change the rules and let us Why.

But I love that she then she still went with it. Like they've said, everyone loved them. Everyone asked her for the recipe. I'll ever tell and she's gone. No, I'm doubling down here. I'm not admitting it, because that's the difference between you and this lovely person. You proudly come in a quick stop across the road at the shops. I'm still in the plastic and say, bake sale tomorrow is sorted for your kids. So I love that she's just gone with this, and then tripling down the bakery

Now, I'm not a baker, but when one do you frost's I sing? Doesn't that go yuck? Isn't it like you know, I'm really stretching. Isn't it like butter and sugar and I sink sugar. Then if you freeze butter and then at defrost, doesn't it go a bit?

Haven't you seen these experiments people do where they'll put like a fast food burger in a cupboard for a year and they come back and it still looks fine, Like when sugar's in the equation I think they're indestructible. I think you could eat these in ten years. Wow, it's probably not actually safe, but I think that you could. And I think, look, if they're that good, even if they're like a seven out of ten compared to normal, they're still going to be pretty and.

Better than what we could achieve.

Pretty impressive. Yeah, better than anything we could do, and better than anything she could.

Do under duress. Yeah, that we must provide a home baked solution.

I love it. And she's actually just now meal prep too. She's just covered herself for the whole year. She doesn't have to think about this at alls.

Taken mental load away for cupcakes sales. There's nothing, there's nothing to confess here. You're just a bloody genius. Yes, I'm giving ten fraudulent defrosted cupcakes out of ten.

I'm giving you ten deep for out of ten because that's probably how many you're going to need to keep all of these cupcakes until next year. But I love the commit to the lie. You've gone with a long game. Yes, you've got the perfect alibi now that the bakery is closed. Really they are yours. You did make them.

You don't to the people and how dare they tell her to Yeah, you must bake.

And thank you for using our favorite word, insufferable, so you get a bonus point for that. So you get eleven deep rases out of ten your.

Service Confession number three, perks are for adults only. Correct, Yes, this sounds really bad, will be the judge of that. But our kids are really needy. Yep, they can be, they can Yep. They always want to spend time with my husband and I, and we absolutely do spend time with them. But when it comes to having a night out or a quick excursion without them, they whine and wine and wine, so we have to tell lies to be alone or get adult treats.

Don't say the L word to the authenticity queen over the actual.

Belt, hang on, hang on, like telling the kids who are thirteen and nine, I've got a lot of thoughts that we needed to go to Bunnings, knowing they would want to stay home, and we went out and got sushi for a little lunch date. In fact, we've been doing things like this for years. When they were much littler, we'd sometimes change all the clocks so we could put them to bed really early and we'd have more time to hang out as a couple. Okay, Look, I've got

Nice to really prioritize.

Their marriage, yes, which I love for them. That's very cute, is very healthy and good for your marriage. And I want to just come back to the kids ages thirteen and nine. I don't feel like you need to lie to a teenager and teenager that you're going to Bunnings or going for a date.

But what a cute family are they that those kids, even though there's a teenager there, they so badly want to be around their parents that they'll go with them if they're going out for That's very sweet.

It is because you know what, most thirteen year olds don't want to know you exactly.

I didn't want to know anyone thirteen.

So it's so cute, very grateful this teenager wants to be around you, because soon they won't, and then you'll probably look back at this time and not feel great about all.

The web of lies that you've created to get away from them. No, I kind of love it. I think it's smart. Can I ask about this clock trick? Does that work because you.

Can definitely still do that. Did you tell time?

Yeah? No, she's three and a half. She absolutely cannot tell the time to say, but she can tell if it's light enough outside. She will not go to sleep until the Christmas lights.

But daylight savings, that changes, so that's not reliable.

Look, I think it's great you need to have your alone time, like it's so important to have your alone time together. I agree, and to have conversations that aren't them going ma'am, break my chops here.

But you don't need to lie to a thirteen or nine year old that you're going to a date night. That's called healthy role modeling of a healthy relationship. They should be able to accept and tolerate and have the resilience to enable you to go out and have a movie night or a dinner out without them and know that they will be okay. I feel like my only issue is the inauthentic, because they should be resilient enough to be able to handle you not being there without you lying about it.

I know, but people are busy, they've got things to do. They just want to get out of there without the winging, So they're just giving them a little white Lie. They're happy enough, they get to do what they want to do. Then I love it. I like to just go for it.

The clocks thing is genius.

Yeah, that is genius and I will be trying that. So thank you for sharing that so we would.

Have more time to hang out as a couple. I mean, that's the golden standard of marriage, isn't it it is? That's very sweet, unrelatable as the divorces in the room, but I think definitely that's a very healthy, positive marriage. I just don't know about the healthy and positivity toxic line to the thirteen or nine year old about where you are, No, I think it's fine. I think it's great. Fine, Okay, Lie, Lie do it? Okay? What's your points then?

To me? I don't think it's the worst thing to do because they are going and having their little dates. It's just at a different location than the one they're telling their children. It's not at Bunning's, is it sush it's giving mistress, I don't know.

I love that.

I think it's actually fine that you do this. Therefore, your points are lower in my eyes, So I'll give you six sushi dates out of ten.

Why have you taken points off.

It's harmless.

Parents.

Yeah, the kids don't know you lied, so it's fine.

Well, of course the inauthenticya you're going attack. I feel like a thirteen or nine year old should have the resilience to be able to deal with the fact that you want to have time about them, and you should be grateful that the thirteen year old I'm projecting here, but you would be so grateful that your thirteen year old not staying out with you because they won't soon. So for this, I think I'm going to because I'm torn because it's very good, it's very positive, you know,

Yeah, you've been very very upset by that.

I am okay. So declaring a winner for today, yes, I feel like so we had in my bones, I know who it is.

But bouncer the person triaging all the presents and then deciding whether they're worthy of.

Their child, unwrapping them in secret, re wrapping them, having an Excel spreadsheet.

We assumed keeping a cut of the presence regive bloody gen that's great, cupcake fraud, lying, doubling down and then tripling down, saving of the face, and also meal prepping for the year.

I love this. I won't tell you it's too good. It's too good.

And then the perks are for adults the kids.

The horny adults just can't get enough of each other and don't want to be around the kids.

Yes, yep, so I think it's pretty clear who we're loving the most this week. They're all brilliant, of course, But.

It's the strategy behind the cupcakes yep. For me, yeah, it's the really doubling down into that saving of face yep, and just filling up a deep reason really well baked cup fabulous. It's power to the people, and it's right. It's rebellion. It's forming a mission against people telling you that you must bake a homemade cupcake.

Exactly.

Good on you.

See today's winner. If you've got a confession, we would love to hear it. Please send us your secret shames. All the details are in the show notes.

See next to you later if you're looking for something else to listen to. Mamma Mia is officially presenting one hundred hours of summer listens, from meaningful conversations to incredible stories, fashion, beauty, and more. There's a link in the show notes