Parents Anonymous: When You Fail At Year 2 Math

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Hi, it's Anal's Todd here from this Glorious Mess, introducing hot Pod Summer, one hundred hours of curated listening across the Mummamere network, just for you to escape the chaos and enjoy with the kids at home and the weather warming up. We've got episodes of Parents Anonymous to share. Parents Anonymous is part game show, part church confessional. You share your deepest parenting shame and myself and Stacey Hicks rate you, but the worst parenting wins the most points,

That for you. And I'm Stacey Hicks.

I'm the deputy editor at MMA MIA and the mum of a three year old girl who looks exactly like her dad.

Which is just rude the worst when that happened.

But she has inherited my daggy dance moves and insane clumsiness from me, so Apple doesn't for far.

Good luck to her.

Yes, So welcome back to Parents Anonymous.

Yes, so you know the deal by now, but just in case you've somehow found yourself here for the first time and I am wondering what exactly is going on. Parents Anonymous is part church confessional, part game show where you tell us your confessions and get the guilt of your chest, and we give you points based on our very serious grading system.

Some would say, yes, we do like to kick off with a little confession of our own, because it would just be awful for us to sit here on our high heel looking down and rating people's confessions without disclosing one of our own. Yeah, coming up, my sons have a dance recital like an official. The school is making them do it. This is not something voluntary. They have to do it. Oh, okay, otherwise they.

Wouldn't do it.

And I am more invested and excited about this than any other extracurricular sporting achievement that they've ever done in their life.

Of course you are you are.

I'm a dance mom, Jenna of this place, so of course you are excited.

I'm a dance mom.

Finally, after nine and twelve years of raising sons, I finally get to be a dance mom.

I love Thank you.

Okay, Well, I actually think that that's great. There's nothing to confess there. That's just fabulous and it just aligns with who you are.

Yeah, unpaired, that's what I mean.

Because the confession is because the anting is more about me than them, and they like sport more so it's kind of not ideal parenting.

Well, they need to learn to give back to their mum.

Well, yeah, it is about me. Yeah.

So look, I think that's great. I think you get a nine out of ten. Thank you, absolutely fine, thank you. Okay, now I'll confess mine. Okay, So my daughter three learning to ride a bike, or I'm trying to teach her to ride.

A bike with training wheels.

With training wheels, yeah, just a pedal on a bike, like she doesn't get the concept of pedaling on a bike.

But as you know, I'm a tall gal. She's also very tall, so leaning.

Down to hold the little bike quite annoying and uncomfortable for me.

And she winsered a lot if I let go.

So I saw a hack and I now do this when I'm too tired to take her to a park to teach her to ride her bike, I just put the little training wheels. You just prop them up on some shoes or some books, and they just sit and pedal and the bike doesn't go anywhere in your living room, and you just put on a little YouTube video of cycling.

And that's how she's pattle on a bike.

That's kind of a bit like a spin class.

Yeah, she's doing a spin class at home.

That's genius.

While I said on my phone, it's heaven. Oh that's brilliant, And I wish I'd thought of green time.

But it's a movement like peloton.

Yeah, yeah, she's on a peloton.

Aligned she's having a great time. This show.

It doesn't exist without your guilty confessions, Like we love hearing them from you. It is our source of joy. It is in our other very bleak world that we coexist in, so we would love to hear from you. You can completely stay anonymous. Yeah, we'll read out the confessions for you. No one will ever know. It cannot be traced back to you and all of the anonymous and.

You're trying really hard not to say the word is I.

Still can't say anonymity. All of the confession options are in the show notes. There's a link there and you can please share with us overshire.

Yes, and Analys and I have both submitted anonymous confessions before to test the theory and haven't known that the other one did that, not even our producer Grace that they were us.

So and it works, we promise it does.

And on today's show, our mystery confessions are called homework only punishes parents, divorce, celebration, relater toy homicide.

I love that one. It's very law in order.

As for you, confession number one, I am going to read out on behalf of our anonymous person. I wish schools didn't give homework because it's actually just yet.

Another job for parents.

Maybe some parents like that time with their child, but I would rather spend time with them doing literally anything else.

I'll be honest.

The main reason I hate it is because it makes me feel very stupid, like where have all my basic maths or geography skills gone? The other night, I helped my seven year old with their homework, only to realize the next day that we did half of it completely wrong.

I really can't be bothered redoing it.

I have my own actual paid work homework to do. Can't they do homework in class and just call it work?

Preach, preach and praise, be love this.

I would just like to say that my children are still in primary school. Yea, we are a homework free school kind of a person.

Drink.

Can I enroll my daughter at your children's school immediately.

Because it's beautiful and you know, when they're little, they don't need to do extra things high school. I'm very scared about next year because that will get real what I realized in the very traumatic period of our lives, which was lockdown. I realized in that time that I don't have year two level maths skills.

It is beyond me.

I'm sure that I'm in the same boat because I struggle with basic basic math skills.

Here, I don't think that we are meant to help our children with homework. I think the whole point is a resilient skill that they should know how to do it themselves or ask Siri, ask chat GBT. There are many resources available to them, unlike there were to us in the days of encyclopedia, where they could actually fact check this.

So you're just removing yourself from the homework scenario entirely, like don't go to mum, no, go to Siri. Yeah, I like it. Well that's going to be my strategy too. Look, I think that this person is just saying what every single parent is thinking. I'm not at this point, yes, but I know I'm going to feel the same way. I barely know the answers to the questions that my three year old ask me now, like why does it take the fans so long to stop spinning?

I don't know, darling, I'm not.

The Newton law of physics.

All right, I'll send it to you next time. Then what do the powerpoles do? Like?

I never give her a proper answer. I just kind of make up.

That's fine, cause remember we've talked about this before for before five no core memories.

Okay, okay, So I can just lie absolutely now until she's five.

I love that. For me, it's fine.

But yeah, I think this person's just saying what we all think. Like they're going to school. There are trained professionals who are teaching them this stuff. They are much better at it than us. That's why we are not teachers.

No, And when in doubt, as Siri, yep, what are we rating it? I don't even think it's a confession. I think it's just a chat yep, that I would have with you with any other friend.

Ye.

So are you deducting points for this? Or are you adding points for this?

Add points to it because not many people would admit to it. Yeah, yeah, but it's what we're all thinking and saying. So I'm going to give this eight series out of ten.

Love that.

I'm just going to go rogue and instead of going with the point system, go with the grading system. Ah good, And she gets an AS.

Okay, which is really good. That is really good.

Okay. So this one says.

I love being divorced because every second weekend.

Relatable on ground from me.

I love being divorced because every second weekend I get time to myself and away from the kids. Don't get me wrong, I adore my children. But the forty eight hour window of peace is like a mini vacation. I can actually finish a cup of coffee while it's still hot, or binge watch something that isn't animated. The guilt creeps in sometimes, but then I remember the chaos that awaits on Monday morning. Honestly, those weekends might just be saving my sanity.

Aligned to proof.

Now, this one isn't from me, because I actually have fifty to fifty custodys, So I.

Don't say breaks another confession. No, I have more breaks than this person.

Okay, okay, forty eight hours is the perfect break.

There's two chunks. I get.

One of them is forty eight hours, and then I get them back again, and then the next chunk is I would say it's too long. It's the five nights, six days, and I'm at the very end of that. This is my last day today. I do miss them after that giant stretch. Sure, it's a lot, but the forty eight hours is a refreshing reprieve.

She gets half her life back.

I mean, you said, I looked like I'd had work done when I came back from one weekend away from my child.

So I thought well, she's jumped on the bowie train. She's glowy and fresh, and yeah, this is.

Why you look younger than meat even though you're older than meat, because you get weekends alone sometimes.

Thank you so much.

This is why I figured it out.

Okay, I need to chat to my husband, and I think, Look, it's natural to feel guilt because we do feel like we want to be around our kids all the time, but now so drive us nuts. So it's fine to have your time alone. I think i'd go as far as to say, you're probably the envy of a lot of your friends that you get a little bit of that regular me time, and you probably go back in as a lot better mum because you've had a little bit of time out.

You do, you have way more patience.

Yeah, so what are we rading this one?

Oh? I mean, she's just on brand.

She's great, she's in her glow up era, she's loving life, and she's relatable. And I'm going to give her nine stilettos out of ten.

Yeah, I'm giving her ten weekends away out of ten. Love it for her.

Good on you, all right, let's bring it home space.

Confession number three toy homicide. I accidentally drove over my toddler's beloved scooter, and I'm still hoping he won't notice. I've stashed the mangled remains in the garage and will put it in the red bin on bin night when he is asleep.

He seems to be obsessed with.

Another toy at the moment, so I hope he doesn't remember how he loved the scooter. If he asks, I'm totally blaming my partner. Don't even care. Okay, bit to unpack.

M red bin. Would we recycle?

That's probably the most pressing matter.

Do you think that's the most important? Can we recycle the scooter?

Okay? So I don't think so, all right, putting that to the side.

I think the toddler will notice at some point scooter's a pretty big thing in their day, Like let's go to the park.

I want to scoot there.

Yeah, but they're little goldfish at this age. Like, honestly, my daughter will be gone to get a teddy and come back later with ten different items that were nothing to do with what she was getting at the first time.

Scooter is a mode of transport.

Yeah, true, true, it's quite a big item, but you know what she giveth. She can take it away, like she probably bought that scooter with her money.

Yes, she can say it's gone. Now we're moving on to the next thing.

I love as well, the pre planned lie, like you could just pretend you don't know where it is, but there's actually pre meditated lying and blaming of the partner.

That's quite intense.

She could even do one of those chalk outlines on it, like a dead body on the driveway.

It's a scooter. Yeah, the last place that was seeing daddy did this.

Maybe she should write a confession in his handwrite it coerce a confession out of him.

Well, I think out of the three that we've heard today, I feel like this is the best worst.

Oh yeah, definitely, because.

You've completely murdered one of the favorite toys, which we've discussed is a mode of transport and something that they probably won't forget about, like a little toy car that you push along with your hand. This is a mode of transport. I think this is the best worst one because there's also a premeditated lie ready to go where we're blaming the child's are the parent.

I want details of how she's blaming him, Like is she going to say he run it over intentionally, or is she going to come up with another way that the scooter disappeared, dropped from the sky. The possibilities endless. I feel like she should be more creative here. I don't think she needs to blame the partner. I think she can come up with some other way that it disappeared. Blame it on him, toddler, don't remember, I won't traumatize him.

Yes, but that's why I think this is the best. Worst part is blaming the other parent. Yeah, okay, all right, let's let's play this out.

Okay, how would this go down?

So if you're the toddler yep, and I am the murdering scooter parent.

Okay, how would the conversation go?

In a pepper big voice, Mummy, where's my scooter?

Unfortunately, I've got some bad news. You need to come and sit down because your dad murdered your scooter. It was on purpose, it was intentional. He didn't like the schoo In fact, I'm not sure if he even likes you, and so we've got no one to blame but dad on this. It's got nothing to do with me. You can go and see your dead mangled scooter. It's in the garage, and it's got chalk outlining it like a murdered body.

And assigned confession next to it from your dad.

From your dad. Rip.

Look, I think he's thrown in a bit of unnecessary drama.

Maybe using the word murdered. It's not a great idea to explain it.

To the toddler.

Yes, but because we set it up the actually, because we set up like a true crime. So that's where I went, murdered scooter.

Case closed the end. Okay.

So now that you've suggested that we tell the toddler that the scooter was murdered by the toddler's father, yes, and created a rift in the family and a crime scene, I feel like we should role play my tactic, which is blaming it on the toddler.

Gaslighting, gas lighting the toddler a much more whole Okay, I'll be the toddlers. Okay, Okay, Mummy, where's my scooter? I don't know why that the todd has become a little chav but a bit more company than.

Mummy. Where's my scooter? Where's my scooter?

What scooter?

Oh? Like, there's the scooter, the red scooter. I used yesterday.

You have so many toys and belongings that it's hard for me to keep track of all the things you have.

You're so lucky. Look at all the other things you have to play with.

Now, I want the scooter, okay, But if you're insisting on the scooter, you think you left it in the garage.

Is that where you think you left it, Darling.

I don't know.

I'm a toddler. I don't have memory recalled. But I just want my scooter.

I think you left it in the garage. So why don't we just go out there and have a look and see if we can find it. Okay, so let's go out there. Cut scene, Peter Patter. I probably had to carry you because you've tracked a tantrum mid mid journey to the garage.

As you'll see, no scooter. I definitely have a scooter and I want to use it now.

Oh, honey, you probably imagined that you had a scooter. You know how you imagine the monsters under your bed, You imagine that they'll come to get you. I think you've imagined the scooter.

But look, if you're really, really.

Good for the rest of the year, Santa might bring you a scooter and then you'll have a.

Scooter to blame you.

Yeah, yours is better because I do. I feel ghasly, like I literally just I wasn't sure.

I feel crazy.

Yes, okay, gaslighting works.

Yeah, sadly.

I think that the murdering excuse was actually less traumatizing than ghasoline. Yeah, more honest, except for the blaming of the day added lie, which we agree.

Was amazing.

Giving this one.

I think this one is getting. It's my highest squad. It's the worst.

It's the best. Worst of the.

Day because of the blaming of the other parent is so weird. But I'm here for it. I admire it, and for that, I'm going to go ten murdered scooters out of ten.

I'm going to go ten Dundun's out of ten. So if you've got a confession, we would love to hear it. Please send us your secret shame. All the details are in the show notes.

See you next time, you next time.

If you're looking for something else to listen to, Mama Miya is officially presenting one hundred hours of summer listens, from meaningful conversations to incredible stories, fashion, beauty, and more. There's a link in the show notes