Is Your Relationship In The Room-Mate Phase

So you're listening to another Mia podcast.

Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We have recorded this podcast on the Gatagul people of the Eur Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Rate islander cultures.

Hi, I'm Analie's todd, host of Mamma MIA's parenting podcast This Glorious Mess. I'm a single mum to two twin boys and a longtime listener of Hell. I have a teenager bracing myself for the years ahead. I'm popping into your feed today to share an episode of This Glorious Mess that I think you'll really enjoy. Your kids might be a bit older and you're back in the routine of life, work, kids, chores. But how's your relationship? Has it started to feel more like your roommates and partners

Hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to this glorious mess.

We're embracing the chaos together. We're ditching the judgment. I'm Analis todd and fifty percent of the time I live alone, no roommates, not even teeny tiny ones, just me.

I'm teaking it tollly, and I have so many roommates. My house is basically a giant game of musical beds, and not in the swinging kind. I'm talking about my three little kids and husband. And husband's there as well, but between us, all new bed, new night. You don't even know who you're waking up next to. It's Lucky Dip every.

Day, just without the keys in the bowl.

So today on the show, we're talking about the roommate face of relationship.

Sure, what is it? The signs you might be in one, And we're going to chat to a dad about his experience.

Of the roommate phase from his first marriage and the steps he's taking to ensure that he doesn't fall into the same patterns with his new wife.

Looks.

So, I feel like we've all Even if you're not there now, I feel like you've been there, whether it's been fleeting or you know, a month or a year, you've been there. It's either made or broken you.

Yeah.

But we're going to get into the nitty gritty of what it is a little bit later. But first, here's what's happening in my group chat. So Tea's there was a viral thread on Reddit. You know you love a viral I do. I love a thread. It's been lighting up my group chat because a woman asks the Reddit group chat, which is the Internet, if she's overreacting and she's considering divorce. So her husband secretly ate her meals

And when he finally admitted it.

He said it was because he was too bored and tired to make his lunches for work. My group chat has decided this is a divorceable offense.

Do you agree?

It's a very selfish thing to do.

The optics aren't good. There's a lot of red flags here. It's definitely flaggable. I can't make the decision, but he's a line approved, so TIGS. There was a Mama Mere article that went viral recently. Again, it was by back Day, and she had some advice on how to survive the room mate phase by relationship coach Meg's Dixon. So what

Now they've even referred to this as roommates syndrome.

I think it is a syndrome.

Yeah, I wonder if there's variables of this, as I mentioned earlier, like, you know, can it be fleeting, can it be you know, when there's a newborn. How long is too long to be in that phase? Because I'm sure every single relationship would go through this phase, kids or no kids. There's sometimes where you're busy, I'm busy, where ships in the night, we barely see each other, we haven't had a meal together for a while. Things are a lot at the moment, but then you just go, oh,

As the cautionary tale of the only divorced person in the room, I would say that just in general, my advice is any issue in a relationship or a marriage, if it gets or goes left untreated, head in the sand, it just shouldn't be. Things need to be tackled, Things

And I'm sure to many listeners roommates is even fun. That's a step up from housemates, because you know, especially when you're in that trench period. And like I mentioned, sometimes we're musical beds. Sometimes my husband's not even my roommate, he's just my housemate. I'm like, babe, Like I don't even know what room he's ended up in, what bet he's in, you know.

So it does get really tricky.

So these are some of the common signs you might be experiencing roommates syndrome. Okay, so struggling to communicate, and that's obviously more than just surface logistic level. It's actually having those connected conversations.

Yeah, yep, not just like how is your day.

And the washing needs and the dry cleaning and the.

So it needs to be things that you wouldn't actually talk to your roommate about.

Yes, it's the intimacy is the dividing factor of the roommates and relate what.

Are you actually communicating about.

Yeah, obviously, feeling less intimate, that's an obvious one. Feeling like there's no affection or romance.

I struggle with.

This, feeling like your lives aside from your mutual obligations and a lot of time obviously that's children are separate. I feel like having a level of independence is a good thing, you shouldn't be each other's everything.

And I think in this case, it's not like, oh, we shouldn't be doing those separate things. It's more like I have no idea what you're doing. Like you kind of get home at the end of the day and you're like, how is your day? How is your day? And you're like, good, it's just such separate life.

Like I think as well to use like a Gray's Anatomy analogy, it's like they need to feel like your person. They're the first person that you want to tell the exciting stuff yeah, and whinge about the minutia of your day. And I'm sure a lot of mums who are at home raising little kids while they're partner, or dads while

He ate his soup for lunch. You kind of run out of things to say when you're in that period. I've definitely been there.

So another one of the signs is feeling like the relationship isn't a priority. It should be a priority to make time away from the children. The house so hard though.

Yes, feeling like you have support or.

Feeling like you don't have support is the sign that this could be roommate syndrome or phase. Yeah, Okay, What I want to know as someone who is divorced, who is in a honeymoon phase in a new relationship, how do you not let that go? Because I don't want to let it go.

And it's gonna I hate to be glass half full, but empty.

That's empty.

I think we all think that the honeymoon period's going to last, don't we.

But what I would like to find out from our next guest, Tom, who has been through a divorce, who is remarried and had young children with someone else, how has.

That was lucky? You had a practice run, didn't he?

Well, that's what I'm hoping I did.

Well, see this is this is this is my theory. Right.

So for my husband and I we moved pretty quickly like we're like honeymoon phase and then gauge, which is like still honeymoon phase.

And then a year later married.

By our first wedding anniversary we had two kids, but our second wedding anniversary we had three kids.

We were on like the roller coaster of life.

And so I think that's come down of that this is the best and it's going so fast and it's amazing, and you know, not saying that the kids are a low in life, but it's a lot when you're looking at your relationship while having kids, especially my case three kids really close together one hundred percent, the trenches affect this so much.

Yeah, that's the most critical stage because in most partnerships it is gendered, and you've got domestic inequality, you've got exhaustion, and those combinations of things then bottle up to resentment. Yeah, and that's when you're not having those conversations and you're not communicating about the issues. That's when you can slip into the room mate, because you're just not addressing the elephant.

Yeah, and it does come down to both of you as well. You're both in this relationship. If one of you is the ones overworked, or one of you feels like the other needs a break from the kids.

Like, that's what I.

Always say to Jason whenever we're having issues, I'm like, the only ones that can fix this is us, right, Like, we are responsible for our relationship. So if we want to do better, we need to book a date night, or we need to go away for a couple of days, or we need to have a conversation.

So I'm interested to speak to our guest today. Who is a male? A male?

A male on this glorious Oh my god, our father, Well, I never he's going to come in and we're going to hear what he does to avoid room mate, housemate?

What are we roommate?

Roommate face? And we're saving relationships around Australia. Glorious mess.

It's serious. So we're a.

Big family here at this glorious mess.

And we've invited one of our pod producers today.

Who is a boy or man?

A man?

He's a man, he's a male for something fun?

I'm father, Yeah, so Tom, welcome to this glorious miss Hello.

Hello, so good to finally say good eight to you guys. I'm an avid listener.

Now we've got you and we're gonna pick your brain.

Yes, we want your male perspective. So let's just set a little bit up about you, Tommy. So you are a father of three.

Yeah, so it's all happening in my house. I'll give you the quick spells. So I've got my seventeen year old daughter, Nala. I had her when I was so young. I was nineteen years old, so we've grown up together and we're really close.

So that's amazing for us.

My two little ones, Donnie and Join the're five and three, and yeah, we're right in it, like they've reached a stage now where they're kind of collaborating. I'm always hearing these kind of whispers around the corner, like you run that.

Way, I'll go that way. You throw the water on him, man, he won't catch us.

And that's kind of what I'm competing with my lovely wife, Jessica, who is, to be honest, a lot smarter than me.

And for her, I'm.

Probably just like this project that she's working on and she's being patient.

So that's me.

And so Tommy take us through. So you had Nyla and you were very very young. You're not currently with her mother? Yeah, yeah, so that was your first marriage.

Was my first love. We didn't get married, it's.

The same same you have a kid together, the rest is paperwork, that's right.

Yeah, it's all admin from that point. But we had Nala so young, but it was really a blessing in disguise.

So in that first relationship where you had a child with someone, would you say that you fell into what we're sort of coining and has been coined the roommate fase and the relationship?

Oh man, Yeah, that is really deep for me because I think that would have been the purpose the reason why we ended up separating. And we're great friends now, of course, but we definitely fell into that, and my wife and I now we're so hyper aware of it because we've both been through that. If you compare when you first fall in love and you're kind of like drunk on love, comparing to those signs.

When Jess and I first got.

Together, we were myopic and oblivious to everything around us, hooking up everywhere, and then to now we've got these little people who are trying to break your spirit, trying to undermine your productivity everywhere, and those aren't conditions for romance at all.

So yeah, we're definitely aware of that.

Since you are both so aware of it. What are some of the things that you can know or like, that's it, we're getting into a bad habit here, or what are some of the signs and triggers I suppose for you and how do you sort of counteract those?

Yeah, so a premise this for saying I'm not an expert. In fact, I'm probably the opposite of an expert.

But yeah, once short.

Sign is you walk past them in the hallway and they punch you in the shoulder.

And say, get a champ.

That's very friends Yeah, very friend zone.

But you know, intuitively, like if you feel that spark disappear. And one thing that we've been trying to do that I heard from this psychologist is called the six second kiss. And as you get on in a relationship, you kind of it's always very rush like maaha, like goodbye darling, you see later. It's science that if you hold a kiss for longer than six seconds, the oxytocin, which is like that love chemical, goes dripping back through your brain.

The six seconds is quite a long time, isn't it, But that is I would say one of the most common things is when you've been in a relationship for a million years, you know, you still might get the occasional bonkin. But one of the things that you stop doing, and it's really common, is you stop making out, like you don't make out anymore. And I feel like, if that's the one thing you're saying that you and your new wife hold onto, I think that's really great advice.

I have to laugh.

My husband, I saw this same theory about this six second kiss, and which is also followed up with that the six second kiss is equivalent to a twenty second hug or cuddle, right right, But my husband got the mixed up numbers. He's like, we've got a kiss for twenty seconds, and I'm.

Like, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that.

No, I had to literally pull the thing off Instagram back out again, and so no, see here as a twenty second cuddle and a six second kiss.

Okay, yeah, yeah, sounds like he's learning as well. That's apparently the science and it all kind of gets those chemicals going. But one other thing which also trying to work on is you know, when you're in especially when you've got little people around all your conversations can become administrative logistic chat, logistical shit like yeah, who's doing the pick up doctor's points?

But when you're first together, you're not talking about any admin. So we try.

To set apart half hour an hour every week where we'll have a coffee, and our rule with the coffee is no logistical chat.

You can only talk about things are passionate about.

And then it starts feel like you get your identity back, because otherwise it feels like you're just a mom or just a dad. And we're trying to do that, not every week, but it's happening thing.

I think that's such good advice because one of the signs that we went through when we talked about and looked at what is the roommate phase. One of the main things Obviously physical intimacy is obvious, but it's about the lack of communication and about addressing anything outside those day to day logistics chats. And I love that you actually carve out time because everyone goes date night, date night, but you actually carve out communication time.

Yeah, and there is such a thing as intimate communication. As you said, it's like, sure, communication can be fine if all you're talking about is you know, the kids soccer and swimming lessons and school drop offs, but that's not intimate communication, really getting to chat about what each other is up to and how you're feeling.

And it makes a big difference.

Anytime we've had like a passionate chat about anything outside of our children and outside of logistics, you just feel better, Like you feel like.

I am an actual person. I'm not just a shell of a human being a parent.

But I think it's so important to connect as adults in the relationship, not just as parents. And I think that's what you're touching on, is it's so easy to fall into the trap of just connecting about your children, but actually connecting as people outside your children, and that's how you keep the relationship alive.

According to our resident dad.

Expert, I think he is an absolute expert.

That's a thing, right, So if you've been through a separation from someone you've had a child with, going into it like that is like you don't want a little people just run yeahbsolutely.

And it's the same with my seventeen year old daughter.

We joke about it, but she was like a practice run too, So you learn as you go and.

Is she helpful with your younger two.

Yeah, she's really helpful. She loves cooking and.

Baby house babysitter.

Well, that also would be helping your relationship as well.

You've got helping the non roommate.

Yeah, you've got living help.

Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah, she's just entering the party face.

Yes, you're going to lose her soon.

Yeah, she's starting to disappear for days at a time, which is you know she can do that?

Oh well, amazing And thank you for all your beautiful insight into your life and how we can maybe avoid the roommate face.

Thank you, And again a caveat. I'm not an expert, but we're just trying our best.

We've enjoyed hearing from you, and I think we're going to hear from you a little more.

Yes, we've got something special that we are going to be getting from Tom. We're going to share it with you as a special surprise for out this glorious mess.

I've not heard this yet.

Well you're going to love it, Tigus. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry. Okay, Tom, you also are our resident songwriter here at Muma Mia. You perform shows around the place, so we set you a special assignment to write us a song. Oh so it's about the mayhem of raising kids. And just to make it harder, you need to include the name of our show and the song. This was the assignment, this glorious mess. Have you done the assignment, Tommy?

Yes, I'm very nervous about this, but it was a bit of fun. So I brought my ukulele colong And it's just about the anarchy of mornings. We find mornings really hard in our house to actually get out the bloody door, yeat and not me.

Yeah, well I've got this show name in there as well, just for you.

I'm probably gonna go you ready, I am hormonal?

Okay, take it away to me go Tommy.

All right, it's chaos and our house again. The kids are screaming round the bence. We're running late, barely dressed. Oh it's a glorious mess, a washing pile.

Where's my key?

I've lost all productivity, but we're after school easy, pleased with veggie.

Mite and cheese.

Feels like love when your public tantrums embarrassed me and it musty love.

You live shit.

Everywhere for me to clean in the living room, the kitchen too. But I'll carry you with a sawback stepped on your lego my foot went crack.

I think it must be love.

Okay, this spits for our preteens and jen alphers.

My phone is missing.

Look behold, I've been out with a by ten year old.

My cop is full. I'm highly stressed. Oh it's a glorious mess. He feels like love when.

You argue back about everything. And it must be love when you put a mirror up to my behaviors and cause me to have an existential crisis. But I'll drive you around to any town when it's pissing down for Saturday Sport. You've blogged my change, but then you got caught. I think that this is quite challenging if I'm honest, love yeah.

Tell me.

Thank you very much, relatable and as you can tell, I'm under the put Yeah.

We're also a very very talented musician. Can I just.

Say thank you so much? Guys, it's been a pleasure.

Thanks for listening to this glorious mess. We hope you enjoyed the show, and if you did, we'd love it if you left us a rating or aw if you have a dilemma, you'd like Sarah Marie to resolve. You can send us a voice note all the information there's a link in the show notes.

Or you can even place for a quest for Tom. If you would like your very own theme song, send on through what you would like Tom to sing?

What a Star he Is?

This episode was produced by Grace Roubray with audio production by Lou Hill And We'll see you next.

Week, see you next time.

I hope you liked this episode. If you want more, you can head over to this Glorious Mess podcast feed. There's a link in the show notes, and each episode we want to make you feel seen and heard as a parent and hopefully give you a little chuckle in your day, because there really is humor and glory in the mess of it, One big, giant, glorious mess.