#53 Leif - podcast episode cover

#53 Leif

Oct 12, 202343 minSeason 8Ep. 53
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Episode description

On Valentine’s Day in junior high, Leif was supposed to ask Kalila out. But he never did. Seventeen years later, Kalila wants to know why.

Credits

This episode was hosted and produced by senior producer Kalila Holt, along with Jonathan Goldstein and Phoebe Flanigan. The supervising producer is Stevie Lane.

Production assistance from Mohini Madgavkar. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon.

Special thanks to Max Green, Flora Lichtman, and Connor Sampson.

In the IM recreation, Karina was played by Reagan Didier, and Leif was played by John Claassen—thanks to Greg Holt and Tony John for making that possible.

The show was mixed by Bobby Lord. 

Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Blue Dot Sessions, Katie Mullins, Florian Le Prisé, and Bobby Lord. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records.

 

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Transcript

Speaker 1

Khalila. Yeah, hi 's Jonathan.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I called you.

Speaker 3

So you're hosting the show. Yeah, it's a personal story.

Speaker 2

Indeed. Yeah, it's kind of like an oral report that you're condescending.

Speaker 3

Well, I mean it's a report given by the mouth.

Speaker 2

I mean sure, by that metric, all your episodes are or all reports. So well, yeah, it doesn't feel so good, it doesn't.

Speaker 1

It doesn't.

Speaker 4

Here we go an oral.

Speaker 5

Report given by Khalila Holt.

Speaker 3

All right, put your name at the top of the oral report.

Speaker 2

How do you pay your name at the top of an oral report?

Speaker 5

You say it.

Speaker 2

I'm Khalila Holt and this is have You eight today's episode Lathe right after the break, I'm walking to work one morning when I spot Laife heading towards me. From the ages of twelve to fourteen, life was my crush, the object of my junior high obsession. I still google him occasionally, but he's completely absent from the internet. I have no idea what became of him. It's like he just disappeared. So when I see him on the street, I feel my heart speed up. I wonder if I

should say hi. I wonder if I say hi in what tone I should go life, life, Oh Liafe. But then as I dropped closer, I realized that the man I thought was life is not life at all, and in fact, it is not even a man. He's a teenager. This makes sense give that I've not seen Laife since I was fourteen years old. Still having your heart speed up at the sight of a teenager is a sure

way to feel like a creep. And just like that, to quote Carrie Bradshaw, Lefe is back on my mind all these years later, and I remember the exact type of pen laf Ro with. I remember his birthday. I remember how he kept his wallet on a long chain the first time I'd ever seen such a thing done, and wore a quicksilver sweatshirt with holes worn through the sleeves that he'd stick his thumbs through. He was pale, with blue eyes, short and slight.

Speaker 1

I remember him being kind of like wayfish, almost like kind of almost like a furial.

Speaker 2

Crushes do not exist in a vacuum. They require gleeful gossip with your friends. And so I call Echia, who's been my best friend since elementary school, to talk about our old classmate Laife.

Speaker 1

He had this like light blonde hair that he died and was a long like down to her, but hair long like like a bobbling but like shag.

Speaker 2

Then yeah, there go the men's bob. Once, while away on a school sponsored trip, we phoned Leife from our hotel room, me, Lucia, and our other friend, Emily. But three of us huddled together on the scratchy Marriotte comforter, stifling our giddiness as we dialed. My God, I don't remember if we actually talked to the thing I remember is that we called. We talked to his mom. Our friend Emily asked if she could speak with Laife. It's Emily, she said. Emily said, Leife's mom, go upstairs and talk

to him. Then she hung up on us. Turned out he had a sister named Emily.

Speaker 1

So weird.

Speaker 2

Lucia's stepmom was a photographer, and she once mentioned that if Leife and I ever started dating, she wanted to take our portrait. I don't think she knew I had a crush on him. Laife was just so short and I was so tall that I think she found the idea of us as a couple funny. I was already six feet tall by the end of eighth grade. I got pressured into playing basketball, but I was so meek that I usually just stood there while some terrifying girl

shoved by me with the ball. I don't like to look at pictures of myself from that time, standing next to other kids my age. I look like the teacher or like someone's off putting sister home from college. None of my pants fit correctly. My socks were always pulled up too high. I used to listen to the song eleanor Rigby and panic. In my interpretation, it was a song about how no one wanted to date poor old eleanor Rigby, just like no one wanted to date me.

When I was thirteen. One day I was sitting by the gym after school with my friend Desiree, when she told me, I picture you getting a boyfriend in college. She laid out this whole hypothetical where me and my future boyfriend reached for the same book at the library. At the time. I was offended college. Other girls at my school, desire included, already had boyfriends the middle school version of a boyfriend where you were afraid to touch each other and broke up after a week. But still

I had to wait till college. But as it turned out I did not get a boyfriend before college, nor in college, nor even for several years after college, and so I concluded the problem was not my circumstances. The problem was me. I was not datable. After meeting me for the first time, people might say, oh, she was funny, but they'd never say, is she single. I was simply

not a person that anyone could think of romantically. At college parties, boys would grab my friends and start danced with them, and I would stay for a while, dancing alongside them like I was part of the good time. But eventually I'd walk away. It was weird for me to keep standing there smiling blankly at the wall while they were making out. By now, I'm in my thirties and I actually do have a boyfriend. Sam and I

have been together for four years. We live together, We've taken trips, know each other's moms, list each other on emergency contact forms, and yet still I can't shake this feeling that I'm behind, that there's something wrong with me, that I started too late, and now I can never catch up. Sometimes Sam tells me stories about the girls he used to hook up with, or about his high school girlfriend, or the girlfriend he lived with before he lived with me. I know that he's not trying to

get back together with any of these people. I know he has invested in our relationship as I am. Still, when he tells these stories, I feel so inadequate that I want to cry. A couple times I have cried, and he's been confused, and suddenly we're in an argument because I don't know how to explain why I'm crying. I want charming stories like that one of rhapsodizes about

my past of young love and mutual discovery. Instead, my past is a wall I smiled at, and the only stories I have about people I've hooked up with are vaguely unsettling to repeat. I liked leife at a time before all that, back when it still felt like romance might happen for me, like any interaction could be the start of a love story for the ages. One time I brought Whole Food sushi for lunch and felt self conscious because I'd seen the Breakfast Club in which Molly

Ringwald is mocked for bringing sushi for lunch. But Leif walked by my table and said, is that sushi? And I said yes, and he said, I love sushi, and I said, would you like a piece? He said really, and I said yes, And suddenly I was proud to have a lunch of whole food sushi. Laife talked constantly about a band called Billy Talent, a semi yelly alt rock group with lyrics about misery. I started listening to them because I knew Leafe liked them, and from there

became an obsessive fan myself. Once I ran into Laife at a Billy Talent concert, I pretended not to see him because I didn't want him to think that I'd followed him there, But he came over and said hi to me. There were little moments where it almost seemed like he could be flirting with me. We followed each other on the blogging site zanga, and for a while there was some sort of glitch where Laife was unable

to comment on my page. When the glitch was fixed, he was so excited that he left me one hundred comments in a row. Comment forty two said on the forty second day of Christmas, I gave to Kaylee one hundred comments, lots of typing and a pear tree. I still have a journal from that time. In it I'd write Laife all these vague letters. It is humiliating to read these letters now, to the point where I refuse to quote them here. Suffice it to say that I

constantly referred to him as dearest. Surrounding the letters are my thoughts about myself, mostly how I wished I were a different person, entirely, someone charismatic and sought after. Sometimes I'd have this huge swell of self hatred that I didn't know what to do with. Once I tried to caught myself, but the kitchen knife I chose was not very sharp, and so it was harder than I thought it would be, and I gave up. When I find someone who wants to date me, I thought this feeling

will go away. I hoped that Liafe might be that someone. I'd talked long fantasies about how we'd get together, And sometimes I'd realize what a good mood I was in, and then I'd realized the good mood was because of something I'd made up, something that hadn't really happened at all. In the winter of eighth grade, I finally decided enough with the secret pining. It was time to let Laife know how I felt. And so I took action, and by took action, I mean that I delegated action to

other people. There was a stairway right next to our classroom that was just a single flight and closed by doors on each side. It was in this room of stairs that my friends Lucia and Emily cornered Leaf and told him that I liked him while I ran home and hid. Afterwards, I asked them what he said. They told me he said okay. That night, in a fit of panic and despair, I got online. I logged onto Zanga and I wrote a veiled, angsty post about what

he huge mistake I'd made. Laife saw the post as I knew he would, and he I amed my friend Karina about it. And here is where something amazing happened, because in this conversation with Karina, Laife said he would date me. He said he thought I was cool. He was going to ask me out on Valentine's Day. Seeing couples perform how much they liked each other made me feel inferior. So I hated Valentine's Day with a showy passion. Each February fourteenth, I'd wear all black as a sign

of protest. Laife's thought was that this romantic gesture might help me to reclaim the holiday. I know all this because at the time, Karina promptly copy and pasted the ims with Life into an email for me. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I was so happy. Finally, I thought, finally, the thing that only happens to other people, it's now happening to me. On Valentine's Day, I got up and my mom drove me to school. People were giving out candy and paper hearts. I tried to look nonchalant.

I went to science class, I went to lunch, to recess, to math, to basketball, and then school was over and I went home. Laife did not say a single word to me all day. I have no idea what happened or why he changed his mind.

Speaker 1

Huh did you ever talk to him about it?

Speaker 2

I rehash all this on the phone with Lucia. Never did we speak directly about it, like we spoke through you and Emily, through Karina on IM and like through my veiled Zanga posts. Interesting and having been my best friend for all these years, Lucia into It's what I'm building up to.

Speaker 1

So you want to try to find him more.

Speaker 2

Yeah, but I'm afraid I tried a drafting a letter, and I was like, do I just sound into same anyway? So do you think this is completely insane to do?

Speaker 1

No? I mean, I'm sure you wrote.

Speaker 4

You're a very good writer and a thoughtful person, so I'm sure.

Speaker 1

The way you approached it was good.

Speaker 2

Since googling Life had always failed me, I turned to a public records database that I get through work. I was hoping to discover a possible mailing address for Life, and I did looks like maybe he lives in Arizona. And I saw he had like a from twenty twenty court thing from defacing a political sign.

Speaker 1

Well, I guess you don't know which direction.

Speaker 2

I know it's a good direction. I want to talk to Life directly, the way I never did back then. I want to know what he really thought of me, and why he never asked me out on Valentine's Day. All these years, I've believed this story about how people don't see me romantically. But if I can change the beginning of that story, if I can see myself differently at thirteen, it could reframe everything that came after I name dropped you in the letter.

Speaker 1

Dropped me because I'm so well known.

Speaker 2

Well, I was like, we used to live together, but now we both live with our boyfriend, so that he wouldn't think I was like trying to date him now high life. I wrote in my letter, I don't know if you remember me, but we went to near North together. I had a huge crush on you, and I was hoping you'd be up to talk to me about what you remember from that time. I hang up the phone with Lucia and I walked to the mailbox. I send off my letter, but then several weeks to go by

and nothing. Did Liife get the letter and decide to ignore me? Or do I just have the wrong address usually when reporting a story. I tried calling at this point, and I did find a phone number for Laife. However, the idea of dialing it makes me want to lie down in the middle of the street and simply pass away. And so, just like I did at thirteen, I recruit someone else as an envoy.

Speaker 3

And who is it? Someone else?

Speaker 6

You?

Speaker 2

Oh, yeah, it's you.

Speaker 5

Okay, So I'm sort of like that whole quorum of girls all in one adult man.

Speaker 2

This is a regular host of this program, Jonathan Goldstein. I want him to call Laife on my behalf to see if Laife got the letter. I would be open to speaking with me. Yeah.

Speaker 5

No, I don't think that'll be awkward at all. Let me get my pattern down here. Hi, there was this girl. Her name was Khaleila Hole.

Speaker 2

You should say Kaylee first. I think you would know me by Kaylee.

Speaker 3

Hi, I'm Kaylee Holt's boss.

Speaker 2

What do you say like that? It is really weird.

Speaker 3

That is weird.

Speaker 5

No, Hi, you don't know me, but I was enlisted by an old school chum of yours.

Speaker 2

Oh, don't say school.

Speaker 3

An old flame, a paramore.

Speaker 2

My confidence is decreasing with every passing second.

Speaker 5

I want embarrass you in front of your crush.

Speaker 2

Are you joking?

Speaker 3

Choking on this bon bon?

Speaker 2

As my boss asphyxiates on a piece of candy. I weigh the pros and cons of just making the call myself, But in the end I make the same choice I did back then, better to send an incompetent in my stead while I hide at home. I obsess all day Thursday. I obsessed all day Friday. Jonathan doesn't offer me a single update. I can't even tell if he's made the call. Yet then the weekend begins and I still have no

idea what he's done. Okay, but whatever you did do it worked because Friday night checked my email and I had an email from Leife saying that he would talk to me.

Speaker 3

Wow.

Speaker 5

Okay, well, let me just say I am almost one hundred percent certain that I had nothing to do with that.

Speaker 2

Well really, because it happened that day.

Speaker 3

Yeah, it is suggestive.

Speaker 2

Jonathan tells me that he had indeed tried calling Leafe's number.

Speaker 3

Okay, here's the call.

Speaker 2

You ready? Okay?

Speaker 3

Yeah, okay, Hello, is Leaf there?

Speaker 6

Yes?

Speaker 3

Could I speak to him?

Speaker 1

Yes?

Speaker 5

This is her, This is Lafe. Yes, I just want to make sure I have the right person. What is your middle name?

Speaker 1

Doodles?

Speaker 3

No, No, that isn't. That isn't the life that I'm looking for.

Speaker 1

I'm on a toilet right though.

Speaker 3

Okay, is there anybody else in the house?

Speaker 2

In his email, Lafe proposed let me talk in nine days, which is kind of a weirdly long time. I can't help but worry that he'll bail last minute. But this will be just like Valentine's Day all over again. So in the meantime, hoping she might remember some clue about what happened. Back then, I text my old friend Karina, the one who broke her this whole Valentine's plan with life on I am when you texted me that it was you.

Speaker 1

I was like, oh my gosh, like, did something.

Speaker 2

Happen she calling me to say that miss Bergen died, miss Bergen being our longtime principal, which.

Speaker 1

She did, by the way, he didn't I didn't hear that.

Speaker 2

Yeah, may she. I felt deranged, texting Karina that I wanted to speak with her about life a random kid from her eighth grade class. But Karina responded, I legitimately thought about you in life last week. So, just like we used to in junior high, the two of us chat on the phone about a boy and then he I, am you shut up?

Speaker 1

Did I send you the conversation?

Speaker 2

Yes? So then I and buried. In an old AOL account, I find that email from Karina with the whole conversation between her and Life laid out.

Speaker 1

I would like, absolutely love to see it.

Speaker 2

Let me send it to you. I will just life screen name was Chaotic Detortion, which I think is just chaotic distortion spelled wrong.

Speaker 1

Okay, let me read this okay at ten seventeen PM.

Speaker 2

Nice and as Karina reads, here for you, Dear listener is a dramatic recreation of that I Am exchange, with two young actors playing the roles of Karina and Life.

Speaker 7

Hey, Hey, Life, what's up? Kayley's talking about what I think?

Speaker 2

She is?

Speaker 7

Right on? Zanga, hold on? Let me see Kaylee likes me, right, Did Lucia and Emily tell you something? Yeah? After school the other day. Yeah, she does well. If she comes on, will you tell her something?

Speaker 1

Yeah?

Speaker 7

If she comes on, tell her that I'll go out with her.

Speaker 8

But my health is always screwed with my life, so I'm probably not going to be able to be one hundred percent boyfriend.

Speaker 2

Material Laife had some sort of illness the whole time I knew him, but I never knew how sick he was or what he was even sick with. He sometimes had to leave school early, he was on crutches for a while, and there were days when he just looked frail. But at thirteen, we didn't think to ask any questions. Back then, Karina just thought it was sweet he was considering his health in his role as my future boyfriend.

Speaker 7

All but do you like her? This is kind of awkward.

Speaker 2

Yeah, all these years later and that, yeah, I makes my heart start pounding. I was wrong, I think see I was wrong. He liked me, he said he liked me. But then it goes on.

Speaker 8

Ohmg, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, but hey, she likes me. I don't hate her or anything. And kaylee'school, Yeah she is.

Speaker 7

So you want me to tell her that you'll go out with her?

Speaker 2

Why don't you just talk to her on Monday?

Speaker 7

Do you think I should?

Speaker 6

Yeah?

Speaker 9

Because I mean I don't think she would believe me, and it would be nicer if you told her.

Speaker 1

Are you getting her something on V Day?

Speaker 7

I guess when is Valentine's Day?

Speaker 4

Next?

Speaker 7

Next Tuesday?

Speaker 1

Ohmg, you should tell her on V Day because she hates V Day?

Speaker 7

WHOA, yeah, oh will.

Speaker 2

I always thought it was Lafe who came up with the Valentine's Day plan, but it was actually Karina. It wasn't a romantic gesture at all. It was the gesture of a thoughtful friend. But I don't remember anything after that.

Speaker 1

I didn't even remember that.

Speaker 9

He didn't end up saying anything, like he didn't end up saying anything to you.

Speaker 2

At all, No, we never talked about it.

Speaker 1

No, Kaylee, he did.

Speaker 9

I'm pretty sure he mentioned his health again.

Speaker 1

Maybe I like followed.

Speaker 9

Up and he was like, honestly, my health just like really isn't the best.

Speaker 2

So did life not ask me out simply because he was too ill? Was his not asking actually a romantic gesture, something worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy, or did he just not like me? I'd asked slave to talk on zoom and I pray I won't break out or have a bad hair day, because you know, I want to look good. The morning of I put on an eyeshadow that someone once told me was flattering, and wear a T shirt for my favorite band because I figure it's cool to like music. Then I head to the studio and test

the microphone. Hello hello, all right, that's working. I feel ill. I feel physically ill. Oh my god, Okay, I can do this. Here we go on the zoom camera. You can't even see my T shirt or flattering eyeshadow. So that was a lot of wasted effort. I see that Leife is in the waiting room. I press the admit button and he appears on screen.

Speaker 10

Hi.

Speaker 4

Hey.

Speaker 2

In spite of his deeper voice and tattoos. Life seems the same, like there's no discrepancy between the person I imagined all these years and the one I'm actually looking at. How are you.

Speaker 11

I'm great, I'm doing great. How are you doing?

Speaker 2

I'm doing you know. Unfortunately, faced with the person I imagined all these years, I suddenly can't remember how to have a conversation. It's like I've lost twenty years of social skills. What what's your life?

Speaker 8

My life?

Speaker 11

Well, I yeah, I don't know. I just do uh life things. You know, eat food, go to the grocery store. I've got a dog. You know, what's your dog?

Speaker 3

Like?

Speaker 2

What's your dog's name? Ronan good. Given that I'm incapable of asking any question more specific than what is your life? Or who is your dog? Life takes the lead.

Speaker 11

They've been doing like a lot of activisty stuff in Tucson, and that consumes more of my time than I probably should let it.

Speaker 2

In fact, the nine day delay Laye asked for was because of his activism. A few weeks earlier, he was at a protest with the Stop Coop City movement when he was tased and slammed against the ground by a police officer, he's been recovering from a concussion. At this point, we're forty minutes into the conversation, and I've somehow managed to avoid asking Laife any questions about eighth grade at all, even though he knows we're here to talk about how

much I liked him. Bringing up that time still makes me nervous. What what do you remember about me?

Speaker 11

Yeah? I uh, I remember you being very tall and maybe a little awkward, but maybe it's because of the crush or whatever.

Speaker 2

No, I was awkward.

Speaker 11

Yeah, yeah, Like I know that you told me at some point that you had a crush on me. I have like a vague memory of like there's like that stairwell Lucia telling me or something like that, like in the stairwell.

Speaker 2

Yeah. I ramble through my memories of what happened after that stairwell moment, and finally up to the question that I really came here to ask you were going to ask me out on Valentine's Day, but then that never happened and I don't know why.

Speaker 11

Oof, I'm sorry, Yeah, I don't remember. Like the Zanga post sounds vaguely familiar.

Speaker 2

Can I send you because I, in fact have these ims between you and Karina? No way can I email them to you? Yeah?

Speaker 11

See what cringeyesque things I have to say?

Speaker 2

Leife mostly read through the ims and silence, but at one point he makes a face and again goes when he's done, he laughed self consciously.

Speaker 11

All right, Well that was that was That was fun?

Speaker 2

Do you you have no memory of this?

Speaker 11

I don't know. Vaguely. I guess like it's obviously obviously it happened.

Speaker 2

I mean, you would be weird if I typed all this, supen.

Speaker 11

Yeah, yeah, it'd be pretty weird.

Speaker 2

What part were you oofing?

Speaker 1

And?

Speaker 4

Oh?

Speaker 11

Just I mean, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, but hey, she likes it was just like that.

Speaker 9

Yikes.

Speaker 11

I don't really know what happened. Obviously we didn't date. I don't I don't think totally forgotten.

Speaker 2

I mean that would kind of be worse if we did. Dan was gone from your memory.

Speaker 11

Yeah, that'd be real shitty.

Speaker 2

Yeah, I mean like seems like you did not like me.

Speaker 11

I do remember you being like very funny, but uh yeah, I do agree, though I think I like wasn't like into you into.

Speaker 2

You to use the eighth grade parlance, but then Lafe phrase is a key thing I've been wondering about the explanation that he gave to Karina At the time his mysterious health issues.

Speaker 11

I was like, very, very, very sick. I was like in the process essentially of getting diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

Speaker 2

Crones is an autoimmune disease. Life's intestine was attacking itself, making it hard for him to do basic things like walk or eat. In the years I knew him, though Laife didn't know he had CRONES. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He was just getting worse and worse. It took over two years of waiting rooms and misdiagnoses before he finally got to a doctor who helped him. At that point, he was so sick that the doctor pulled his mom aside to say that she thought Laife

might die. They immediately admitted him to the hospital, where he stayed for three months. I'm not a monster, so of course I'd never say that I'm happy someone was so ill they almost died. But hearing all this, I can't help but feel kind of relieved, because if Life was that sick the whole time I knew him, then it wasn't about me not being good enough. There probably just wasn't any space in his brain for dating and crushes at all. So I put this to Liife.

Speaker 11

I for sure had crushes.

Speaker 2

Well, there goes that theory. Can I ask you how to crush on?

Speaker 11

Yeah? Yeah, I know I had a crush on, So I was gonna.

Speaker 2

Ask you that. Actually, that's what I always suspected.

Speaker 11

You got me figured out.

Speaker 2

Circa had shown up at our school one year from Ireland, and all the guys instantly loved her. Somehow, in that one year she dated three or four people. I, as someone who'd never dated anyone, found this profoundly unfair, Like what about the rest of us? In my moments of insecurity, I always used to think, there's no way Life likes me, because I'm pretty sure he likes Circa. So while on the one hand, it's validating to hear that my read was right, on the other hand, it's devastating to hear

that my read was right. I move on to my next theory. Do you think that any of it was height related?

Speaker 3

Uh?

Speaker 11

I don't think so. I don't think so.

Speaker 2

So what was my problem? I ask Laife? If I had some defect that prevented him from seeing me romantically, and although he really thinks about it, he can't come up with an answer.

Speaker 11

I'm just trying to think if like, there has ever been anyone where I like, I'd love to date this person, but they've got this defect, you know.

Speaker 2

Who he falls for. Life says has always felt beyond words, especially in the eighth grade. Well, how do you feel about talking? Am I freaking you out? No?

Speaker 11

Not at all. Okay, it's fun to catch up and like, hear what you remember? It's really nice to talk to Yeah, you too, killy, and talk to you soon, all right, talk to you soon.

Speaker 2

I'd felt good while I was talking to Life. He was cool and nice as he'd always been, And yet as soon as we hang up, I suddenly feel really sad. I sit there for a while alone in the studio, and then, as I always have in times of stress, Hello, honey, I call my mom. I filler in on the conversation and how the only logical conclusion seems to be that yes, I was right, I am, in fact undateable.

Speaker 4

Who wouldn't want to date you? You're awesome?

Speaker 2

Thanks, and I mean I know I'm your mother. But that is also true. I feel like that's true in terms of like people wanting to like be my friend, but I don't feel like that's true for like dating.

Speaker 7

You feel it not just from when you were younger, but.

Speaker 2

You feel it even now. Yeah, that makes me feel.

Speaker 4

Kind of sad.

Speaker 2

I'm sorry, don't be sorry.

Speaker 7

It makes me feel kind of sad, and it makes me feel.

Speaker 4

Mad at people that don't see you.

Speaker 2

I don't. Yeah, I think I'm having a hard time characterizing it because I do feel like weirdly emotional, but also like he was nice and the conversation was good, you know, So I don't want it to seem like I thought he was like being an asshole or anything like he wasn't. I don't hear that from you at all. I don't care anything about any judgment about him. Yeah. You trying to piece it together for you? Yeah, yeah, give yourself a little space. I give myself several weeks

of space. And then as I keep trying to piece it together, I decide there's one more person I want to speak with. Very excited to talk to you. So thanks for being up to do this weird thing.

Speaker 4

Yeah, no, it is weird, and I definitely feel weird about it.

Speaker 2

This is Circa, the Irish girl that Lafe and the rest of the entire fucking class was into. Because in case it's not weird enough to reach out to my crush after nearly twenty years, why not also reach out to my crushes crush. I always suspected he had a crush on you, and he said, yes, did you know.

Speaker 4

That M like Jesus, Like he would like he would like burn CDs for me and stuff.

Speaker 1

She knows I feel like.

Speaker 4

He also gave me a sticker that said George W. Bush is a punk ass chump, So.

Speaker 1

Like, yeah, I had an awareness.

Speaker 2

I want to talk to Circa because I think of her as the anti me. Like, here's how Circa's Valentine's Day went in junior high. She walked up to her boyfriend at the time holding a Hershy's kiss and said, do you want this or do you want a real one? I wanted to tell me how she achieved such romantic success, what she had that I didn't have. I had laid all this out and my initial message to her.

Speaker 4

So I said this to my husband and he was kind of like, well, it's obvious isn't it like you were just new and different? And I think that's exactly it. Like you guys had all been together from the age of two. Do you know, so I literally was just new and different. I honestly think it was that simple.

Speaker 2

I think that's part of it. But I feel like there was something about your personality too, Like I feel like there was some like charisma or like confidence or I don't know, I feel like I think.

Speaker 4

That that has got to be fakeatily make it though, doesn't it Because looking back and looking at the challenge that was laid at my doorstep, I probably just leant into some kind of confident persona.

Speaker 2

Sarah only attended Near North for a single year, and it wasn't an easy transition because of her mom's job. She was upbraided at twelve years old and plopped down in a foreign country. Her dad all her old friends stayed back in Ireland. She remembers the day she came to visit our school for the first time.

Speaker 4

And I remember crying and I remember saying I don't want to go there. My memory isn't a feeling invincible or anything like quite the opposite.

Speaker 1

Like like.

Speaker 2

Overwhelmed and shut down, you know. It's that sense of panic, Sirka thinks that made her act so confident when she started school with us. It was her way of managing Still, in the year I knew her, she often felt insecure, and dating didn't make that feeling go away anyway you cut it. Boyfriend, No boyfriend? Junior high is hard, Sarka tells me she's been married for about a year and a half. Now, how did you guys meet? We went on tyin day. I'd ask s Life the same question about how he met his.

Speaker 11

Partner, Actually through Tinder. We are a tender success story.

Speaker 2

I met my boyfriend through Tender too nice. Serka Life me even though I always felt like they had some power I lacked. Almost two decades later, we all ended up in the same place, living with people we met on Tinder. Back when I talked with my friend Karina, I'd asked her what her impression had been to me when we knew each other in junior high.

Speaker 1

Oh my gosh, Kayleie, I adored you.

Speaker 9

I remember you being very intelligent, you were very funny. I know you like you were you were tall, just you know at that age, I feel like you always look at everyone else and like, don't form your confidence or like embrace every bit of yourself until later in life, and I remember being like, she has so many things going for her, like I.

Speaker 1

Hope that she.

Speaker 2

Becomes more confident. My past self was tall and awkward, and the boy I liked didn't like me. And all these years later, I'm still tall and still awkward, and I still often feel left behind by romance. But then again, the junior high me would never have had the courage to have these conversations at all. So maybe I did become more confident, and some people do want to date me. I'd want to date me. These days, I don't think

too much about Valentine's Day. It turns out that I don't like being one of those performative couples anymore than I liked watching those performative couples. This year, on February fourteenth, my boyfriend made dinner. I did the dishes. Happy to Tuesday, he said, Happy Tuesday, I said. Then we watched TV. It was nice.

Speaker 10

Now that the fernitures returning to its goodwill home, now that the last.

Speaker 6

Month's rent is skiming with the damage to pot take this moment to deserve if We met Lee Too, Thanks Edacidan Lee.

Speaker 2

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by me Khalila Holt along with Jonathan Goldstein and Phoebe Flanagan. Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Production assistants from Mohiney mcgauker. Special thanks to Max Green, Flora Lichtman, and Connor Sampson. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon. In the im recreation, Karina was played by Reagan Dedeer and Laife was played by John Clawson. Thanks to Greg Holt and Tony John for making that possible.

Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be found on our website gilimedia dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The Weaker Dance courtesy of Epitaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify original podcast. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight, on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast, or email us at Heavyweight At gimlimedia dot com. You can follow our show on Spotify and tap the belt

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