#46 Dan

Yeah, didn't you tell me there was a story where someone came up to you and said, hey, are you Jackie from Heavyweight? And you said, no, is that true?

Yes, I've denied it.

I think it's true.

Why why would you deny it? If people I never I try not to lie in my life.

There's nothing you lie about.

If I don't have to.

In which situations would you lie?

Hmm?

I guess when you make your famous couscous and cutlets and you say, Johnny, do you like it? And I say, mm, yes, very much? So I love it. I'm so delicious. Oh it's so good. Oh my goodness.

Wow.

Oh I'm not going to wash my mouth for a week. Sound familiar Jackie Cohen from Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode Dan right after the break.

Hey Dan, Hey, Jonathan, how are you?

Dan is a serious journalist, like national security correspondent. Serious.

Sorry, I'm just trying to turn off my phone so it doesn't be.

Turning off your phone during an interview serious journalism. Actually I should do the same thing. Dan is a friend whom I've known for years, but conversation can still sometimes feel like a game of chess. You're looking well, thank you arrested. Likewise, good of you to say check and mate. Given what a serious journalist Dan is, I'm surprised he's come to me for help. But then his crisis is not one of national security. His is a crisis of the heart, and that is an area in which my

At a dinner party hosted by this American diplomat in Jerusalem, and Nancy got to the dinner late because she was out on a date that night.

A terrible date. I went to see X Men two, which was unfortunate all the way around.

This is Nancy, also a friend whom I've known for years, and also a serious journalist for the podcast serial in This American Life.

And I wasn't even going to go to this party and just thought, oh, for Christ's sake, why am I going to this?

But then she met Dan.

He was quiet.

I noticed that he was just kind of watching and not being rambunctious. You know, there's a lot of sort of false hilarity at parties and that was not something he was engaging in.

A week later, Dan and Nancy went out on a date at an Italian restaurant in downtown Jerusalem.

You know, it's July, it was warm. She was wearing a tak top. I remember I ordered ravioli and a beer and she ordered a burger and a whiskey.

Because I don't know, that's the kind of hard drinking, hard eating gal I was.

Nancy says she'd been on a lot of first dates and rarely got her hopes up. She was wary anticipating the moment, say, when Dan would ask her to see X Men three. Still, something about Dan drew her in.

I remember him saying very early on that he was separated and that he had two kids, and I could see that he was kind of bracing for that to be a deal breaker for me, and I didn't feel that way at all. On the contrary, I felt interested and excited and yeah, you're a whole person with a whole person's complications. It was nice, it was fun, but then something strange happened. Do you want to jump in with.

A question.

Serious journalism. This must be frustrating for you. You must feel like I could do both sides of this. What do I need this tarp before? But yes, indeed, like what happened.

We're still just in the stage where we're getting the main facts. Where are you from? What are you doing here so far from home? And a woman who was sitting with her husband at the table right next to us, leaned in towards us and said, hey, you know, excuse me, sorry for interrupting, but I think I know your father. Dan.

It chaired with Nancy that his dad lived in California and helped invent the breakfast cereal cap'n Crunch. Hearing these details, the woman realized the connection.

She said, that's so funny. He's our friend. We live next to him.

He throws these great parties. He and his wife are very generous philanthropists in the community.

You know, I can't believe it, of all the people to be next to. And it'll be so great when we tell him we ran into you. And they went back to their dinner. We went back to ours, and Dan looked sort of startled.

But it wasn't just the surprise of being recognized by a stranger seventy five hundred miles from home.

It was also surprising for another reason, which is that I don't know my father. I have not had contact with my father since I was very young.

And Dan was very quiet and he said, I actually don't know my father at all. It was basically like our date was kind of split into two parts, and the first part happened before that moment with a couple next to us, and the second part happened afterward. It just turned into a completely different conversation that was like, here's the.

Deal, here was the deal, leaning in so that the couple wouldn't hear. Dan explained that his parents split up when he was five. It was a very acrimonious divorce, and afterwards his father essentially disappeared from his and his sister's life. Their mother struggled to raise the two kids on her own. In life with Dan's mother wasn't easy. She was a Holocaust survivor, and Dan says she carried the trauma of those years for the rest of her life.

And because he told that whole story, I then ended up telling the whole complicated story of my own, my own parents' divorce.

You know, suddenly we were talking about things that were real. It created this intimacy that, you know, so you can go on five days and not get to that.

Back at the neighboring table, the couple paid the check and got up to leave, but before they did, the woman came over once more.

And said, Hey, do you mind if I take a photo of you two?

This will be so funny. Let's take a picture of you and we'll send it to your father.

And Nancy and I kind of looked at each other. It was this look of Okay, this is weird, but.

Why not, and we kind of leaned.

In, I think, and maybe even I put my arm around Nancy and.

They took this picture.

Dan and Nancy posed frozen smiles, hiding their real smiles at the fact that this woman adjusting her camera knew nothing of what they knew.

It was pretty funny. I think at some point they even said, like, we didn't even know he had a son, and I was like, oh, lady, you have no idea. It was like we had an experience together right right, You know, we had this inside joke already.

After the photo, things moved quickly.

I think I gave Nancy the key to my apartment within two weeks of that date.

The photo was a chance, you know, it gave us a chance to both kind of take the first big leap of our relationship.

Would you say that the woman sitting beside you was sort of like a cherub, but rather than carrying a bow and arrow, she was holding a camera. Would you say that? Would you say that, Nancy?

I wouldn't say that, but I would support your saying.

That, And with Nancy's full support behind me, I will say that because Dan and Nancy have now been together for nineteen years.

I mean, you know Nancy, so you know how lovely she is and funny and warm and all that was on display right away that evening, and I fell in love with her at that dinner.

And that first spark was captured in the photo. Because of crashed hard drives, Dan and Nancy have lost the photos from the beginning of their relationship. So while those photos have certainly gone, the first photo, the most important photo, might not be, and so Dan has come to me to find it. But here's the catch. If the woman with the camera kept her promise, then the photo is in the hands of Dan's father, and I am.

Not particularly interested in trying to reach out to my father directly or indirectly. In other words, This is what might make it more tricky if he has the photo. I don't want to go that road.

It's been about fifty years since Dan's father walked out on the family. Dan isn't looking to make contact now. But I can't help thinking that as much as Dan wants a photo, some part of him must also be wanting something more from his dad. The strange symmetry is hard to ignore. The thing Dan wants most is in the hands of the person he wants to talk to least. But Dan is adamant.

Yeah, the mission here is not let's reach out to him and get to know him. I really just want the photo.

Are you saying sometimes a photo is just a photo exactly?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think it's just a photograph.

No, But I don't think I can know everything that it means to him necessarily. I think it's hard to want anything from a parent who has been so thoroughly absent.

Yeah, so thoroughly.

Derelict. Does he remember anything about his father?

I'm hesitating. You know, this is small, but it's personal.

It's a sad memory.

I mean to me, it's sad, Okay, to me, it's sad. He told me he remembered his father rubbing his back. I rub his back a lot.

With Dan's father in the no fly zone. It leaves only one person who might have a copy of the photo, the woman with the camera. Do you remember what she looked like?

I think she had curly brown hair, and I can get Nancy's take on this as.

Well, dark hair like not really a beehive, but sort of up and kind of pin curlsy or something.

Yeah. I think maybe she said something about the Jewish community, so I wouldn't be surprised if they're active in the Jewish community there.

I look at the notes I've been taking, an older possibly Jewish woman from California who, when traveling to Israel in two thousand and three, maybe wore her hair in a beehive. I mean, this is really this isn't really not a lot, you know.

Yeah, it's going to be hard finding her as a big obstacle. And then eighteen years later, does she have this photo lying around?

I begin my search for the woman with the camera where it all began. Buck Facacia Bar, the restaurant in Jerusalem where Dan and Nancy had their first date. Wielding what's left of my bar Mitzvalessen language skills. My plan is to endear myself to the Fakacia bar staff uh shalom. Is there a manager maybe on second Slussia? Hello shalom? Hello, how could I have you? I tell the manager about my two friends who had their first date at his restaurant, yes,

Oh man, we're not so much technology, you know.

It's no shating like seven eight computer, different computers, you know, so nothing you could do in other words, no nothing nothing, Okay, thank you for taking the time to your shalom.

Hello.

So I try something else. Since the woman was a neighbor of Dan's father, I look up his address and contact the county assessor's office. I request historical records of property owners in his town from two thousand and three. But it turns out that like the catchy bar. They aren't very technology and don't keep data dating back that far. Unable to find a list of past neighbors, I decide

No?

I don't have time for anything.

I just not enough to thank you.

I'll get to the point, ma'am. Hello. The neighbors rarely let me get to the point, and even when they do, I mostly met with one of two reactions pity.

Good look.

Or non pity.

I haven't photographed anybody.

I've been in the little bar.

I know nothing about what you're talking about, so you're pointless coming here and talking to mean thank you?

Bye?

All right?

Well, did you say I've never been to a noodle bar?

Uh huh?

All right, we can cross that one off the list. After dozens of calls to random strangers, I begin to lose hope. But since Dan thought the woman with the camera might have known as father through the Jewish community, I phone every synagogue within an hour's drive of Dan's father's neighborhood. I get the rabbis to include a call out and their e newsletters. It doesn't yield a thing. With the futility of finding a nameless woman with an

Yeah. Nancy and I talked a bit about it.

Perhaps anticipating the shortcomings of my journalisming, Nancy devised a strategy. Dan's fear is that his dad will think this is an attempt to reconcile, to reconnect.

And so what I said was Jonathan could just call him and say no, no, no, no no no, I'm just here for the photo. If you could just give us the photo, that's all I want.

Dan is comfortable with this approach, but before giving me the green light, he says, there's one last person I need to call.

I mean, we share a lot and we probably did actually raise one another.

This is Abby, Dan's older sister. Given the difficulty of their childhood, they've always sort of been a team of two, so Dan wants to make sure she's okay with my contacting their father. Abby tells me that over the years, she and Dan have reached out to their father a number of times, almost always to no response. The last time for Dan was twenty years ago, when he was in his mid thirties. For Abby, it was March of

They were pictures of love and you know, and passion. And so I wrote to him and I said, I've been going through these pictures and I seen lots of beautiful pictures of you and my mom, and I just wanted you to know that my mom has passed and it looks like there were times that were also beautiful. And then I ended by saying I have a beautiful family, and I'm very lucky, and Danny is lucky.

Abby sent the letter not expecting to hear back, but about two weeks later, her father answered, and he said.

Something to the fact of we weren't happy, and he said family is very important. But he didn't you know, he didn't say anything about my children, or he didn't say anything about even my loss. I mean, he didn't have the you know, the I guess the depths, the emotional depths.

Which is why she doesn't see the point in asking her father for help, even though we're only asking for the kind of small effort you'd expect anyone to make.

If I have a photo, you'll call me up and you'll say, Abby, do you have the photo? And I'll say, oh my god, this is so difficult. But ultimately I'll look for it and then he will sense that I care enough to look. But we're not going to get that from her father. He doesn't care enough.

And no matter how old you are or what you might say to the contrary, that hurts.

If you look at us, you think, oh, those two are just regular people. But I don't think we are a regular I think deep inside, we're still researching and we're trying to understand, like why why would a parent not want contact with us? And nobody's going to give us that answer. So it's really.

Painful in the end, even though Abby is skeptical her father will help. She gives me your blessing to try.

I mean, if that's.

What Danny feels like is the right thing to do, then I would support that. I want that photo. I want that photo for Danny, but not at the price of him being hurt. I don't think the photo is worth not.

Dan's father is my last chance to score the photo, and I don't want to blow it, which is why I've been putting off the call. I don't want him to hang up on me, and from what Abby told me, it seems like there's a definite chance he might. But on a Monday afternoon, a few days after speaking with Abby, I pick up the phone. Dan's father is in his late eighties, but he still works. When I phone his office, a friendly woman tells me he's hard of hearing, and

Hello.

He says, Hello, I say loudly, but not too loudly. I hope it's okay that I'm calling you on your cell phone. Well, I don't know what you're calling about, he says. For the next two minutes, they nervously explain about Ficacia bar about how twenty years ago his neighbor took a photograph of his son, and how I'm now looking for that photograph. When I'm done, I'm met by a silence that feels long enough to make me wonder whether he'd hung up somewhere around my explanation of what

Very nice timing.

Oh good good, I'm glad I caught you. It turns out, Deborah remembers clearly the night she and her late husband ate at Facacia Bar, seated next to Dan and.

Nancy, I'm a terrible eavesdropper. I just can't help it because I love people's stories. Yeah, and I said to my husband, I'm betting first date. And he said something to me like stop it.

But Deborah couldn't stop it. She kept listening for what Dan would say.

Next.

He said, my father invented the flavor for Captain Crunch. Huh so much. Okay, there can't be two of those people in the world. You know. My recollection is that we printed a copy of the picture and took it to give his.

Father, despite Dan's father not remembering any photograph. In Debra's telling, she did show it to him.

But my heart memory is that he didn't really want it, which was, you know, made me really sad.

It turns out Debra snapped the photo knowing more than Dan and Nancy imagined. She knew Dan's father had remarried, and she knew he was estranged from his old family, but a photo of his son seemed like something that might warm him. Deborah was a second wife and had seen her fair share of difficult family dynamics.

And my husband went through periods of being estranged from his son, and one time someone came up to us in a restaurant and said, oh, you must be Jeffrey's father, and Russell was tickled. You know, he's still his son, so you know, I don't know. What we hoped was the charming story of a sweet coincidence received a very still reception, if you know what I mean, Yeah, these stories of estrangement. I think one of the hardest things. One of the hardest things is that we think we're alone.

For years, Deborah worked at a healing center, helping residents there as they approached end of life. One day at a volunteers meeting, someone told the story of an elderly estrangement from their children.

And pretty much everyone around the table had some variation of estrangement from someone that they thought they'd been very close to who was suddenly gone from their lives, and it was just very quite. The word is liberating to know that this is a human condition that we don't talk about much. There are some relationships that you just kind of, I don't know, on a cellular level, that you that you long for even if you know you

Deborah says that as requested, She did a search for the photo and.

I found it.

I found it.

You believe it.

I found it.

Deborah had cared enough to look.

Hi.

Hi, Hello. So the.

Long and short of it is, we found the photo. Get the fuck out?

Wow? What come on?

Yeah? We found it?

Oh my god.

Okay, I did not expect you to say that at all.

Yeah, and I didn't think. I didn't think we would.

Frankly, how the fuck did you do this? How did you pull it off?

I tell Dan and Nancy about Deborah, who for almost twenty years held onto the photograph of an estranged son of an old neighbor. Deborah says she kept it because she was touched that Dan, who must have held such anger towards this father, had still been so gracious with her.

So that that changes my sense of what was happening, because I thought I remembered her having said I didn't know he had a son, that she really had no idea.

But Deborah did have an idea. So while running into Deborah was pure luck, her snapping of the photograph hadn't been. It was well intentioned.

God bless this lady.

Man.

I know, Yeah, I fe feel very warm towards Deborah.

Of course, Dan wants to know how I found Deborah in the first place. I ended up calling your father to ask, which brings me to his father, who answered my call.

I find it very surprising. I mean, he has never been responsive to communications with my sister and I, so yeah, I'm surprised.

I will also say that I talked to to Abby just a few days ago and I told her about the whole thing.

I mean, I'm so surprised. I'm so surprised that he went to look for the name. I didn't think it was possible. I thought he wouldn't bother Maybe for just a brief moment, he recognized a need.

I mean, you know, like you see though at the same time, like it's small.

It's significant. Hmmm, it means something I don't know, in a Hollywood dream movie. He did it for Danny and he thought about it and he imagined him. But I'm not so sure this is a Hollywood moment. Yeah, but maybe he did see Danny in this.

I don't know what you make of that.

That's his I'm not buying it face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I don't. She's she might be a little more charitable about it.

Yeah, It's been decades of radio silence from Dan's father, and in that time Dan has come to wonder less about how someone could do that to a son and more about how someone could do that to himself.

I feel intuitively that this must plague my father. I kind of think that to turn away from, you know, a five year old and a seven year old and just cut yourself off requires really sort of emptying out your heart. And it is just baffling to me that still at this age, he wouldn't figure out how to do something about it for his own good so that he doesn't take this with him.

Dan says that when he split up with his first wife, his son was the same age as he was when his parents divorced. Dan wanted to do things differently.

I was just very conscious of doing everything we needed to do to be a presence in his life, for both his mom and for me to be always a presence in his life. And we did crazy, crazy things.

Crazy things like multiple transatlantic moves from Israel to the US and back, all five of them, Dan, his ex wife, his two kids, and Nancy. Things like living in neighboring towns as the kids grew up celebrating Thanksgiving as one big family. It wasn't always easy.

But in every way I can explain or think of, it has made a difference. And it was very conscious and very much a kind of a reaction to the way that he went about things. They went about things, And just.

To say, there were a lot of things I loved, and I knew that I loved about Danny, but his relationship with his children was at the center of it. And his ex wife Tommy, we're all kind of in a big, big stew together. We have been the whole time. And she's been game for the weirdness too.

Shout out to my ex she's pretty great.

They don't normally do shout out. It's not that kind of radio show, but serious journalism. Do you want to see the photo?

Yes, yes I would, Jonathan, I'd like to see the photo.

Before our conversation. I had it framed and wrapped.

Oh my god, Oh Jesus, my god, this is so much better than I thought even, Oh my god.

Well.

In the photo, Dan and Nancy are sitting next to each other at a round wooden table. Dan's body is angled towards Nancy, Nancy smiling and leaning towards Dan.

Look at you, Jesus Christ. Nancy. Oh my god, man, wow, I totally remembered that tank top. It's smile.

Dan is often so serious, but in the photo he's smiling so wide you can see all his teeth. He looks unencumbered at ease.

Yeah. No, it's it's sort of remarkably not awkward.

Yeah, we just look very relaxed.

We look awesome.

I guess sometimes a photo is just a photo, or in this case, a really great photo.

Yeah, Nancy, I oh my god, you just you look fucking adorable. You marry me all over I would marry you all over again.

Dan's daughter is getting married this summer in Israel, and Dan and Nancy will be there, along with Dan's son, his ex wife Tommy. Shout out to his ex wife Tommy, and his sister Abby two, who just recently became a grandmother. Dan says whenever he visits there's always a lot of requests for stuff from America, but along with the Sephora makeup and Adida sneakers, he'll be bringing the photo to share with his whole family. Now that the Fernituers returned.

To its goodwill home, now that the last month's rant is scheming with.

The damnage, take this moment.

To do so, if we meant it, if we.

Talk but felt around for far too from pas it accidentally. This episode of Heavyweight was produced by supervising producer Stevie Lane and me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Moheiney mcgauker. Our senior producer is Khalila Holt. Production help from Damiano Marquetti. Special thanks to Emily Condon, Alex Bloomberg, Caitlin Kenny, Phoebe Flanagan, and Jackie Cohen. Nancy Updike, who you heard in this episode, is coming out with a new series called We Were Three,