#4 Tony

Pushkin, did you ever come outside?

We have to leave it a Hi.

This is Khalila from Gimblet Media. Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein.

I'm sorry.

Who is this Khalila from Gimlet Media.

Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein.

Please hold? Yeah, Wow, hello, Hello. How nice of you to take the call from yourself. O. Hey, Jackie, you seem surprised that you called me.

So nice to hear from you.

I didn't call you.

I didn't realize that I had you on my calendar. But this is great. How are you doing. It's been so busy. It's nice to like decompress and have a normal conversation. How's it going? From Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode, Tony.

Paul, how are you very good?

Thanks?

I was wondering if you would be up for meeting me for an hour? Okay, what about I was absent for most of your life, and you know I've always felt bad about it.

Here's something you don't hear every day. A godfather awkwardly asking out his thirty one year old godson on a god date.

I know you're busy. I know your busy as life mouth father who and but I think you spare an hour like Monday or to the night.

You know.

Unfortunately, a week in advance, not the I don't know what the hellse going on.

The Godfather being blown off as my friend Tony, the realization that he needed to be a better godfather came suddenly. It was like if Vido Corleone woke up one morning and thought, you know, godfathering should be more than just decapitating horses, and then picked up a rotary phone and asked Johnny Fontaine out on an ice cream date. But to explain how Tony got to this point, let's go back to the beginning. It all started when Tony and

It's really great.

I've like, I'm actually enjoying the process I'm making this film, which is I think the really amazing thing about the past year.

This past year has been a hard one for Tony. He's recently divorced and still adjusting the house that has been settled.

Everything settled, Everything is settled. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I first met Tony in college when he was a young film student with manic energy. Jean Shallott curly black hair and gray clothes that always smelt of Greek food. After college, we became roommates and on the weekend his mother would visit. She referred to me as gatzo'meli's mano everyaki, which I think translates loosely as the alley cat haired little jew. But I didn't mind, because whenever she showed

She was not happy. She was not happy. She was not happy. She just didn't want to be here.

Natalie wanted to start a new life in a new place, but Tony felt happily stuck in the old one, and he couldn't leave his mother all alone. So when Natalie decided to leave town, he knew he couldn't go with her. Was there ever a conversation in which you were both trying to envision a way in which you could leave the city.

No, because there was no way, like even with.

Your mother, to go with you. Why is that no? Tony's mother is an eighty four year old Greek woman with little English, whose only hobbies are meticulously cleaning her toaster of and wringing her hands while frowning and so in here lies the heart of Tony's current problem. Before they separated, Tony and Natalie were trying to have a baby, and now he finds himself alone, middle aged, and worried he's missed his last chance to have a kid.

I don't think there's a point to anything if you don't have a relationship with a young person, How do you mean if I sit here in the dark thinking about it and realizing, you know, I'm forty six years old and I live alone and I'm not, you know, probably not going to have kids, and who the fuck gives a shit if I live or die side from my mother and a few friends. But really, who gives a shit? You know, who's going to feel a loss? I'm not saying that in a negotistical way, But who

Lately, Tony's been thinking about three young people he had been connected to, his estranged godchildren. Tony admits to screwing up those three relationships during three difficult chapters in his life drug addiction, rehab, and divorce. What if you were to try to get them back in your life?

I'm not sure what difference I can make. And somebody's like it's kind of like, hey, yeah, here I am now, I'm ready for you, Like I haven't been here all these years? But hey, here I am now, you know.

Not hearing my friend give up on himself so easily, I decided to suggest something bold. Why not try reaching out to the god kids he lost?

Now, I mean, I actually do want to have a relationship.

I do. You don't know until you at least try.

Right, I'm I'm, I'm open to anything.

And do you have their phone numbers? I get him to tell me about them. Beginning with the first Paul.

I was sixteen years old. It was very formal.

I held this kid in a Greek Orthodox baptism ceremony for an hour.

My arm almost fell off.

Babies are really heavy, especially when you have one arm to hold onto them and have a candle in the other.

Yeah, but it was cute. You know.

I was really young, and I was close to their family, but I was sixteen. Within like two years, I was a raving, lunatic, alcoholic drug addict. I didn't see much of him or anybody at all from the family for quite a few years, and I didn't think about it much, that's for sure.

And this god kid what's his name? His name is Paul, and Paul would be about thirty years old.

Now, uh, yeah, he's thirty one.

And here's the thing.

I've never actually talked to him about about how he felt having an absencee godfather. But he beat me at an arm wrestle, and he I think he really enjoyed that.

And when you say he enjoyed that, he enjoyed hanging out and spending time with you, or he enjoyed beating you enjoyed beating me for being such a crappy godfather.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, is there a particular question that you would want to pose to him or to all of them?

Do you hate me?

Like?

Does it mean anything that I'm somebody's godfather because I said so or somebody said so, or we did something a long time ago. It can mean nothing or it can mean something. You know, Godfather's a big fucking deal if you think about it. It has this spiritual implication God right, it's not toilet father.

And so, with my encouragement, Tony picked up the phone and reached out to Paul, which brings us back to the phone call you heard earlier on Saturday. Yeah, I think that's that'll be easiest.

Okay, are you are you up to this? You don't feel like I don't want to impose on.

You like and you said, you know you feel bad. I don't think you should. There's nothing to feel bad about.

Yeah, yeah, but yeah, give me a call the weekend and we'll try to figure something out. Okay, great, and I'll call you perfect. Right, sounds good.

On Saturday, Tony called with no response. He reached out again and again. Eventually he gave up. Tony and Paul never got together. Tony and I reconvened, and I tried to bolster his spirits. Maybe things would go better with godchild. The second Zoe.

She is the daughter of a rehab buddy who was actually also a drug dealer here in Montreal when I was dealing in Montreal, and we met in rehab in Ottawa, and he asked me, do you want to be her godfather? I said sure, I said you guys in baptizer. I said, no, be her godfather? Okay, great, And so it was just like that. That was easy, yeah, but it was meaningful. I was happy to do whatever was going to be

In the intervening years, Tony's only seen Zoe a couple times. When she comes to town. She doesn't bother looking him up because.

I remember how I used to see people that were like, never mind forties, Yeah, like people in their thirties were crusty, you know, a yellow Tony ailed, you know, old people. And occasionally, you know, I get like she likes something on my Facebook page and I'll be like, ooh.

But Tony wants more than that. Since Zoe still lives in Ottawa, just a two hour drive away, I suggest to go visit her. Maybe it isn't too late. But after his failed attempt with Paul, he isn't sure she'll even want to see him, so I offered a road trip down with him for emotional support.

My god, O late.

You know, the whole purpose of this thing is for you not to be a dead meat god Dad.

I know. I feel really bad. It's my fault.

It's Zoe's last week of high school and Tony's arranged to pick her up after her day of finals.

You don't mind driving a little faster to you don't go like snail past grandma style.

That's my style. No grandma style.

Don't do that.

When we get to the school, Zoe's waiting outside.

All right, here we go. You're feeling good. I'm feeling good. There we get here we go?

Here were god?

Hello? Hello?

Zoe is eighteen. She's wearing a Yin and Yang choker around her neck and a pink scrunchy in her hair.

So how's everything?

How are you really good?

Almost done?

High school?

The final frontier?

So go to the park.

Would you like some candy? Tom Zooe. As Tony's emotional support system, I thought it might be helpful to bring refreshments. We drive along, chewing in silence, and then Tony decides it's to break the ice.

I have a really disgusting story to tell you.

Well, can you contextualize what discussions?

Oh my god, I'm only thinking about it because it happened right around here.

Oh no, I don't like where this is going.

A friend of mine has been collecting his vomit for the past twenty years in a gigantic tin like a gigantic metal drama in the basement.

Oh my god, what heck? I wasn't expecting that either.

That's so terrible.

Why would you?

Why would you bring something like that up right now?

So like, how did you find out about that? So many questions and fun fact, the Vomit House is on Ralph Street. Google map it. It's right there next to Brown's inlet the park we're on our way to.

I've only been to this park once before, and that was a weird day. I started dating this guy and like the first time we ever hung out outside of school was in this park. We were on those swings and I just remember being like, wow, this is really weird, like this is a date.

So I guess that was like my first date. We find a picnic table beside the playground where young mothers are playing with their babies. Tony and Zoe sit side by side, she fiddling with a strand of hair and he's staring at the table, sweeping pebbles of sand back and forth. The two of them catch up. It turns out Zoe's taking improv classes and Tony's taken improv classes too, back and forth.

I'd love to see that. I'd love to see that.

You'd like my troop. I think you'd like those guys a lot.

Being both a friend who wants to encourage bonding as well as a lover of show business. I ask if they might improvise a scene or two.

This is my favorite bench.

It's funny because it's also my favor revenge, and I've actually never seen you sitting here.

But instead of the comedic romp I'd hoped for, I get a sluggish five minute piece of Samuel Bickhetti in theater.

So I guess what I'm saying is you'll either have to move to the bench that's beside mine or beside his.

And scene I thought, like, I'm probably was supposed to be like funny well, because he.

Usually his energy.

And you're on stage and you're like, you're doing stupid shit and people are laughing, You're not laughing, and.

In my heart it feels like Christmas morning on Ralph Street. As Tony and Zoe begin to bond.

Yeah, so I'm playing.

They're having fun, but Tony's still thinking about godfatherhood. Tentatively, he brings it up.

I the godfather.

Traditionally, that's well, godfather's supposed to to write spiritual instruction. And I wasn't there when you were really young, when you were told when you were young, this is Tony, He's your godfather.

Do you remember that.

I always knew that you would.

You had this like connection to my parents that was really valuable, So by extensionally you'd be valuable to me even though I didn't know you that.

Well, Yeah, what do you What can I offer you at this point? From this point onward in.

A formal fashion, I don't know what you hope for me to provide for you is like to provide for me?

Yeah, oh, I mean it's a two way street. I mean I can't just like take so much and not give anything to you.

So that's the point. The point you don't you know, that's the point is that I'm here for you.

That is the point with a God child, not so much with a God adult. The children's book is called The Giving Tree, not the Giving and Taking Tree. Children aren't self conscious. They don't find it weird to take without giving anything in return, but adults do. I'm begetting to feel like pushing Tony to reconnect with his godchildren might have been Foolhardy. Tony can't just insert himself into a past he missed out on. And as for the future,

She was a little bit country and he was a little bit rock and roll.

That was a song, I'm a little bit country reverse, I'm a little bit.

As Tony sings both parts of Adannie and Marie Duet, Zoe watches him with a big smile on her face. It's clear they really enjoy each other and the afternoon goes well. But as far as the god parental relationship Tony wants, it feels like it just might be too late.

I'm really impressed.

I think you've got a pretty fucking firm all on things. Well.

I mean, if you're ever in dire need for like a caregiver when you're old and can't go the bathroom or something.

Like, I could help you. Only one godchild to go, Will Tony be a godfather or a toilet father? Is the cat still in the cradle? And if so, will he scratch Tony's eyes out when roused from his godfatherless slumber. We'll find out after these important messages from our sponsors. Tony's first godchild, Paul, didn't have the time for a relationship, and his second godchild, Zoe, had outgrown the whole godfather goddaughter thing that left him one last chance, nine year old Nicholas godchild.

The third Nicholas godchild number three is Nicholas, the son of my cousin.

This one is especially challenging for Tony because, unlike with Paul and Zoe, Tony's not the only godparent in the picture. Tony's ex wife, Natalie was and likable when they started dating. She helped him reconnect with his family so much so, though when Nicholas was born, his mom, a cousin Tony wasn't even especially close to, asked them both to be as godparents. Tony and Natalie were together at Nicholas's baptism.

I was holding him and he was really was he was really upset until I took him, and he was quiet the whole time, And everybody was kind of spooked by the fact that he was suddenly so.

Quiet mm hm when I was holding him. So there was this whole kind of energy.

Around, like, oh, why is this power Tony has over Nicholas, or why is he so quiet? And everybody seemed to make a kind of a strange impression on people, And it felt good to sort of be I guess for whatever.

Reason that nothing to do with me.

Somehow this kid felt soothed or calm by me, and we baptized the kid. We had a big party, and then we started. We were there every year, like thirty four times a year, which is pretty good. But it was all good, But it was all about being with Natalie.

Natalie was the initiator. She's the one who planned the Godparents stuff, like trips with Nicholas to the movies in the museum. Nicholas loved Natalie and related to her and Tony as a unit. So when that unit split up, Tony couldn't bring himself to keep visiting Nicholas and his mom. It reminded him too much of Natalie.

I didn't feel like seeing them. I didn't feel like going to her house because I always went there with Natalie.

But Nicholas's mother continued to reach out. Nicholas really misses you, she'd write. Eventually, she suggested they all get together on neutral ground, her sister's house.

So we did.

We set up a surprise dinner, which was about two months ago, and I went over and they were really happy to see me. But at the same time, I noticed Nicholas's first reaction. He was, he was, he was kind of shocked, and I could see that all this stuff went through his eyes, and then he put on this kind of smiley, happy guy thing.

I could read it all in his face right away.

And you think that was because Natalie wasn't there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Tony's afraid that Nicholas won't want a relationship with him that doesn't include Natalie, Afraid that maybe he's not the godparent that Nicholas wants. But he also doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes, so he screws up his courage and goes back over for dinner, hoping he and Nicholas can connect again. But before Tony gets a chance to sit down, the very first words out of Nicholas's mouth.

Naldie, She's She's okay.

If he just couldn't get back with her, that would be relief.

Why would that be a relief.

I want to see her again. I never get to see her.

Yeah, that's true.

I only see you, and.

That's not enough. You will see her again. Then she says, hi, because she's in Australia. Actually she's in New Zealand.

You don't want to be in the place as she is.

Right, Well, I don't want.

To be in New Zealand because it's far away from everything that I do.

My mother is here.

My mother's an old lady, she's eighty five years old and she needs me. She can't live alone, so I can't go anywhere. So it's finally he doesn't want to be here.

It's over for Yeah, it's over for y out sausage.

It looks like that, but you never know. I'm not in love with anybody else.

They sit down on the cow and Tony faces the thing that's hardest for him to talk about, even with adults, let alone a child.

So are you going to be sad if if you don't see her again? A bit? I can't?

Just kidding a lot?

Is there anything that you want to ask me or about not leave or anything?

Mm hmm.

Did a part of did you feel like a part of your heart broke up to pieces?

Yeah? He did, yeah, very much? A lot.

Do you miss her a lot?

Yeah? I do?

Well, you should have you should have said this, come back whenever you come. You could come back whenever you want, or just say or just say sorry or something.

Yeah I did, Okay, I said sorry, and so did she? She had things to be sorry about too, And then I said come back for a long time. I said, come back whenever you want. And I think I think she's decided not to. I think she's decided.

Maybe it's because Post Canada takes a long time to get a note, really long.

No, but I read her on the internet.

Oh Internet, Oh that makes more sense, I thought, you Brian from Postcarada.

Tony's putting away his own feelings and focusing on Nicholas's, which is a very godfatherly thing to do. And Nicholas, for his part, seems to be straining on his emotional tiptoes to try to reach Tony, and together they meet somewhere in the middle.

Do you remember when I, you know, I baptized you right, yeah, and you were crying, you were really upset.

I had to pick you up.

When I picked you up, if you went totally quiet, and everybody was like, he's so quiet, and and everybody said you you made him calm, And I thought that's cool. Maybe that's what godfathers are supposed to do. They're supposed to make people calm and be like everything's okay, don't worry about it, you know, but let me ask you something, Yeah, what kind of godfather do you want me to be?

I wanted you to be the same thing as you are right now, which is what You're a really good godfather.

I am. You're pretty good, thanks man. I appreciate that. That's very nice.

You're really good.

Good your godfather you that's awesome, cool man.

And with that, Tony was a godfather, because when your godchild tells you you're a godfather, you're a godfather. When I talked to Tony a couple of weeks later, he had already seen Nicholas again. They went to visit Tony's mom. He says she liked having a kid around to wait on, to serve spin a coopita.

She's laughing in her heart.

This is the best day that I ever had.

And it's only just begun.

Now that the furnitures return to its goodwill home, now that.

The last month's rent is skeeding with the damage. To take this moment to the sew.

If we meant it, if.

We tried, we felt around for far too.

From things that accidentally. Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. The senior producer is Wendy Dore, Editing by Alex Bloomberg and Jorge Just special thanks to Emily Condon, Anna as a Macappola, and my delightful pal Jackie Cohen. The show was mixed by Hailey Shaw, music by Christine Fellows. Additional music credits for this episode can be found on our

The only thing that's the most important is just to have have a good life.

What's a good life for you?

Just to have some stuff, food, have friends, but not to be rich and a offt.

Or something that's very true.

How do you know that I just made it up?

This is true. I think what you're saying is true.

I just made that up.