This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet, shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer cards going abandoned and more sales going to Qing. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit Shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. Okay, so let's just jump into it. Also, join School of Dating and Subesting.
Okay, thank you. Babe, this is a man-setter, right? Join School of Dating.com. What's up, fam? It's your boy, JJ. And it's Kate. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a Friday, man-setter. Uh-huh. What are you doing here? I'm a wool man. And I get to be on the man's. I have a question. Yeah. What do you think about people? I don't look at comments. I'm not a comment guy, but I have seen reviews that you sent and the team is sent about people who think I'm taking over the podcast.
JJ, I can't believe you're trying to take over my gig. Yeah. What's your feedback? Then appropriate. Get out of here. I'm taking it back. So that's why I'm here today. Okay. What are we talking about? We're talking about our My Standards Too Low. Thank you for grabbing that off my nose. Yeah. If you're watching on YouTube, um, I just picked a little booger. It was like a tiny one out of case. It wasn't dry skin because I have dry skin right now. It was a booger. Hey, YouTube family.
JJ just picked my booger. Okay. So we did part one on Wednesday. Um, are my standards too high? Yes. And now we're talking about our My Standards Too Low. Yes. Yes. Okay. So let's just jump into it. Also, joint school of dating. It's the best thing. Okay. Thank you. Babe, this is a main set. All right. I joined school of dating. So if I have two love standards, is that something that I probably know at the end of the day that I wonder about?
Like, I think some people definitely have a tendency to go to bed at night and they're like, are my standards too high? Am I crazy? Does anyone go to bed at night saying, am I crazy or my standards just too low? Probably. Yes. If they've dated people where it hasn't turned out well. Like they've been mistreated. Is that what you mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like, so they've ended up in situations where, you know, that's happened to me. Okay. So that I didn't be like, oh, my standards are too low.
But it was only after the fact that wasn't going into it as you're dating where you're like wondering, are my standards too low? Right. It was only after something really bad happened. Yeah. So you think you were also kind of fooled like into going into those dates or did you did you see, I guess having two low standards, what would happen is you'd go into dating, you see red flags, you see glaring issues, and you don't really think you deserve better. So you're okay with it.
A lot of times people who might have low standards, at least in the case of me, okay, when I had those standards, I was looking for validation from guys. I was just looking for love. I wanted a relationship so bad. I wanted a guy to love me so bad. And so I was willing to overlook some red flags. I actually sometimes didn't even see the red flags or I would justify them by being like, oh, but he's good in these other areas. Or, you know, that's okay. I mean, everyone has flaws.
And so you kind of like make up excuses for the person because they're committed to you or pursuing you or seemingly really like you or you're already in a committed relationship. And therefore, you're like, you kind of see the good and or you try to just oversee the good. Okay. So that was a lot. So that was where you have rose color glasses. Okay. So the tendencies, if I have two low standards, how would I know? Well, there are certain tendencies. You just listed out like 10 good ones.
One, what would you say is number one? You have a tendency to overlook red flags. Bad or yeah, red flags are bad behavior. Yep. Or you're justifying their behavior. Okay, you make excuses. Make excuses. And when we say bad behavior, red flags, we mean like actually really concerning issues. Right. So I could say, you know, I just go straight to personal examples in my life or friends I know or people I know I have someone very close to me.
They dated someone who actually had closet DUIs that had a closet addiction problems like habitual sin. But they have two low standards because they stuck around with them like they didn't tell anybody that was going on. They like kept it to themselves. They were so scared. Here's my guess. They fell into infatuation, thought the bees needs if one another and didn't actually get to know some of the harder parts about each other because that also can happen. Okay. But say they knew.
Okay. Say they fully knew. Yeah. Why would keep someone what keeps people in relationships when they know this is not good or they tried. They don't even say this is not good. Oh, man. That was kind of an off-division. That was a lot of question. And it depends on the situation. Okay. So for me, what kept me in relationships that were not good, A, I didn't have like many good examples of like healthy male pursuit, healthy masculinity. So for me, I didn't really know what that looks like.
And so if you don't really know what it looks like, how do you know how to find it? How do you know what it looks like? How do you know if you're receiving it or not? Okay. Okay. So a lot of times you stay with somebody who seemingly is not great for you for that reason or sometimes you're remodeling what you experience or saw in childhood. And even though you may consciously know those things are wrong, it feels natural and normal to your nervous system and familiar.
And so you're more likely to stick with it because it's like your body is trained for chaos or trained for that kind of abuse or trained for that kind of neglect or you're just so used to it. Even if you logically know it's not right, you are more apt to be attracted to it. So when people or they say stuff like, I am attracted to the toxic guy, I am attracted. This is a main so keep in mind. Right. You know, they're attracted to a girl who's just you like a you know what?
Or like she has like these really strong edges. As a trauma from the path. Do you think that they're just like maybe they grew up with a really controlling mom? So then they're just super familiar what it looks like to be with a female partner who's super controlling. Yeah, or there's a guy. There's probably guys and I see this a lot that are like the hero guys, the guys that want to come in and fix everything.
And that's because they have like that savior complex of like I can fix this girl, I can fix this girl. Okay. So I would say like, you know, I've seen people close in my life that have had that experience because of their familiar upbringing that they like to play the role of hero. And so they end up in toxic. Like peacekeeper. Yeah, or savior. I'm going to help this person you I'm going to help them get better. I'm going to like. And so they're still in a pretty toxic relationship.
That's a codependent relationship. But it's because that is something that is rooted from their childhood. Okay. Because maybe they played that role in their childhood. So I do see it. I call it like the wounded bird like theory. Yeah. Like they stumble upon someone who they're attracted to, but it also is like that little wounded bird like it can't fly. And they is it do I have low standards of I have a tendency to want to help like the wounded bird, especially in relationship. I can fix them.
It feels good. Like, is that a low standard to want to kind of like partner with someone who has like a deep challenge going on in their life? I would say yeah. Like, should I filter that out? Yes. You should absolutely. There's a difference between supporting somebody through a hard time like you did with me when I was going through depression and thinking that you can save them and be the person that basically solely helps them out of this.
Okay. So there's just a difference there and the difference is codependency and the difference is a healthy relationship versus a codependent relationship. Okay. So one says I'm going to support this person through a hard time as they heal and I'm making that decision knowing that like they're working on healing and I'm going to be here to support them. The other one is, but that's where the other person knows they have issues is willing to work on it and is actively working on their issues.
Okay. So what if it was like the front end of the relationship and you and I, you know, we were at month three or four when that happened. You fell into burnout and depression. So it's different. Right. What if that was the front end and you were in this like kind of major hurting season and dating? Right. But you shouldn't be, but you are. Well, then they shouldn't date that person. They're not in a healthy place to be dating.
So you think that sometimes you have to make that judgment call on behalf of somebody else. Yeah. If you see, yeah, because sometimes if they're in a really broken spot, they might be seeking, you know, some semblance of joy in their life through relationship. Yeah. Or and they deem you as a very safe person who's got a lot of wisdom. You're almost like a life raft form. Like if my mom or dad just died, it would not be a good time for me to go out and date. Right.
But what if you just, what if you just kind of suffered through chronic anxiety and depression? I would say, you know, that's different. And we meet and we get along really well. That's different because I deal it. Well, did I just find out that I struggle with anxiety? And something that you struggle with for a year or so. Okay. So then the hope is that I've worked through that to an extent. I may still struggle with it. But I have tools in place. I have medication or I have my therapist.
I've this down the other. I have processes. So it doesn't mean it's gone. It just means that I've worked on it. Or is this person who's just constantly used to that as an excuse in their life? I struggle with depression and anxiety. That's just who I am. What do they kind of have? Maybe not to your personal extent? Because you are super, you are super, super growth oriented. I don't think there's, I don't think everyone runs their life like you.
But I do think that there's maybe common anxiety, you know, chronic depression. And maybe they've tried to do something, but it's not super, super evident and clear cut. And we really connect. And so would you say that's like, if you do have a tendency to kind of help the wounded bird and sort of dating them and trying to fix them, that's having too low of a standard? Yeah. Yeah. I would say that. I'm also very prideful, but because you think that you can help them.
And it also is, okay, here's another thing. If you've ever been around alcoholics, you have alcoholics in your family, then even if like, let's say one of your parents was an alcoholic and you grew up in that environment, then you are used to a codependent model. Because most likely the spouse of that alcoholic was codependent, likely, okay? And so.
And so for the hope of quote peace or fake peace, they're willing to just kind of lay down their life and let this person bully and do whatever they want. Or they're trying to help them constantly and put their identity into helping this person. And so on oftentimes you might grow up and end up having this hero complex or like, like I can't say that I can.
Yes. And there's a difference between having compassion for the person that has a hard pass and has hard things going on in their life and thinking that you can be the sole person to fix them and help them. You know what's funny is the ironic part about the saver complex and helping the wounded bird and all these things is that it sadly actually has a lot less to do with them and a lot more to do with you. Yeah. And how helping makes you feel good about yourself. It does. Yes. Is that wild?
It is. And it's because that's a way you draw your identity. You draw validation identity value from being able to help people in need. I mean, is it relevant to ask this question? How do I help someone? Because I forget what I did the other day. I think I gave someone like a lot of money or I gave someone then I can remember. I did something really nice. So I think I homeless guy the other day. And I remember though, distinctly walking away and feeling really good about myself.
But I knew it wasn't in a good way in the sense of like it almost fed my ego more than it was solely about serving that guy. And that's maybe the kind of like egotistical flesh of ourselves that we don't really talk about in church of helping and serving that we can be prone to. Even when we try it reminds me of Paul, even my most righteous acts were like filthy rags before God where it's like I can still find a way to selfishly fulfill my ego even want to help and serve.
But you're saying and dating that has so much more to do with you and your identity issues than it has to do with even helping them. Yes. So I think what we're talking about low standards, there's these two people that I see there might be more but there's one, the person that's constantly attracted to the wounded bird or the lost soul or the person that really needs help.
And then on the other side, it's somebody like me previously in my life where I just have very low value, sense of value, low sense of confidence. And I am just so desperate for relationships, so desperate for love that I'm willing to overlook and have rose color glasses. Yeah, like the horse blinders. Yeah. I would actually say, would you say like the majority of relationships, especially bad relationships that's exactly how they start. People are so fixated on validation and fulfillment.
They put on the horse blinders to the red flags, the falls, the whatever. And they just take whatever they can get. Yeah, I do think a lot of times I do think sometimes people are just helpless romantics and once you have that chemistry and spark and there's a little bit of infatuation, like that feeling literally is like dopamine and it feels so good. You can get so lost in it.
So even somebody who I would say maybe has a sense of confidence to an extent could still get lost in that if they're not careful. Okay, I have a question. So in the last episode, we talked about the value of friends and mentors kind of giving you feedback on if your standards are too high. Does that happen if your standards are too low? I feel like it's almost guaranteed, right? Your friends at some point have told you if you have too low standards. Hey, why are you still in this relationship?
This guy treats you. This girl treats you so terribly. I think women might have more of a tendency than guys to say, hey, this is not okay. Guys might be a little bit more shy around that aspect of dude, you deserve so much better. And is that the right thing to say you deserve better?
I don't know if they should say deserve, but they I would definitely say if you're a friend of somebody who has low standards, I mean, I feel like if you're a good friend, you're going to be like, not this is this takes a careful friend and a friend that is willing to ask more questions. Because guess what? If you are continuously in relationships that don't work out, sometimes a tendency as friends is just to blame that person and just to be so for that friend.
Like I'm so sorry, he's such a jerk or she's so awful. She's this. She's that dramatic blah, blah, blah. You couldn't have seen that coming. Just like be so pro for that person for your friend. First is asking questions to see, okay, what is it in you that look like overlooked those things? Did you maybe like brings like where you attracted to something that maybe you shouldn't be attracted to?
Versus just saying like, oh man, she sucks, she sucks or he sucks, he sucks, I'm sorry, you deserve so much better. Sometimes you have friends that are just going to say that versus friends that say, hey, you seemingly have a pattern here and you've had a few data, few people that weren't that great for you. Maybe we should talk about like, are you missing something? And what is it that made you attracted to these people? Yeah. And that requires vulnerability and friendship.
And if it's not there, you're not going to get the people that ask those things. It is. It requires honesty and vulnerability. I think we can both agree. It's hard to see your friends settle or compromise and dating. Oh, yeah, definitely. But that also requires like, do you are you invested in your friend? Like, I know people who are just like, cool, yeah, they like them, they love them. Great. That's great. I know. But you and I are different.
You and I are like, wait, like we really deeply care and we like look at the person, we want to get to know them. Like that's just kind of both a unionized personality in that regard. But there's genuinely people who like might not do that and just be like, oh, they're happy cool. I know your dad doesn't listen to this podcast. So I can, he's Canadian, but he has that very hands off like, yeah, that would, if that's what makes them happy.
Yeah. Yeah. And I actually, I actually hate that mentality. Yeah. If that's what makes them happy, like that's, and I get it, I'm not trying to be controlling of like my friends or like my daughter is dating just some absolute jackass who treats her terribly. Or am I just going to sit there and say, well, if that's what makes her happy. Right. I can't imagine that. Well, my dad did stand up when I was dating an abusive guy and he was like, okay, I didn't know that. But, yeah.
But, you know, in another way is I've seen, and that's just him, but I've seen a attitude just allow friends and allow people to just walk in a terrible situation. So I'm like, that's not love. Right. Like, that's not loving. Lending someone just do whatever they want. Yeah. When you know, like, when you know it's bad. Because a lot of times these people on the surface might seem like a good person. So you're like, oh, they're a good person.
Yeah. But it's got to be more than they're just a good person. Well, it does hurt me because I've definitely seen some of my friends in my life. Sometimes we just, we don't have a deep enough honest enough friendship with someone that if it is bad, they don't feel like they can tell someone. And you experienced that firsthand, right? Like you were dating someone who was not good. And you didn't tell someone right away when you knew it was not good, right? Like you held it in.
Oh, you mean my abusive relationship? Yeah. Yeah. No, I did tell people to be honest with me. Right away. Or other bad relationships. Yeah, I did. I did. But I've always been very vocal about that. Oh, okay. And I was more so like, in that case, this person is just very good at hiding who they were. Oh, well, I do feel like maybe it's with guys. Guys have a very hard time opening up with other guys about how not good it's going.
Or if, or if like his girlfriend is very criticizing, very hurtful, like I would, I would witness it in a social setting before he would come and tell me that she's really hurtful. Yeah, it takes, like the guy needs to be willing to get that girl in front of other people. And then your friends need to be willing to share the truth with you, but you also need to give them permission to do that, which again, just is vulnerability and relationship.
Like I deeply established that in my friendships through life. So by the time I met you, I was like, you know, I would want my friends to be honest fully with me about anything they saw and guys I dated that weren't right. And they were. And I still sometimes dated them. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet, shop pay boost conversions up to 50%.
Meaning fewer cards going abandoned and more sales going to Ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Get shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. Okay. So say I do have too low of standards and my friends sends me this episode or they pull me aside or they're listening to this and they say something like you deserve better. Like why are you tolerating this? Is that true? Do I deserve better?
Is that why I tolerate things is because I don't think I deserve better and is the solution to just think I deserve so much better for myself? Well, I will say we don't usually love the phrase deserve, but I don't believe any person deserves in general to be treated mistreated. I don't believe any person in this planet deserves mistreatment or abuse. So if they are getting deeply mistreated or abused, yeah, I would say you don't deserve to be treated that way.
And the reason why that applies to that person is because usually they have such a low sense of self like I did that like I need someone to tell me like no, you're worth more than that. Like you have value. Right. And why? And where does that come from? You're not worthless. Yes. You know, like God didn't create you that way. But the reason why we don't like the deserve phrase typically is because it's about like entitlement versus like what I'm talking about is true abuse.
Yes. And nobody actually deserves to be abused. Yeah. Okay. So how do I flesh that out? I don't deserve to be abused and I am valuable to the point where it's not okay for me to be abused. I also don't deserve an amazing spouse who is just so incredible when treats me kindly or lovingly or or do I deserve that because that's what Christ treats me as. That's the pricey paid. And when when when Christ paid this enormous price for me, it gave me a value.
It gave me a dollar sign like he paid hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars for this car. Like that car has a value like a price was paid. So I you are valuable. Right. I am valuable. I just get really caught on this word of deserve and maybe there's a sense of entitlement like I deserve a husband. I think it's more when it's like I deserve a spouse and it's like well, we're never guaranteed a spouse. But what about I deserve to be treated right? Yes, I agree with that statement.
Yeah. Why is that so hard for maybe me in this moment or in general? Why is that so hard for us to believe sometimes? I deserve to be treated right. Because we have this sense of like especially as Christians that we should be less than everybody else. Like lay down your life for somebody else, which means that I don't have much value and I'm just putting everyone else above myself. So I think that there's value in treating other people super well.
But I don't believe that that should negate us having value individually as well. Right. It's almost like that undeniable universal human right like you are human and you were made in God's image. Yeah. And you do deserve to be treated right because of what because of simply the price that the price paid for you that deemed you as valuable. Right. But sometimes that does always register to our mindset, our emotions. Which is why it's like the spiritual truth that we don't really go through.
Godfiddens, you know. Yeah. So I, but I have a quick note and this is maybe a little bit of a sidestep. Uh-huh. I do think sometimes people maybe they don't have quote low standards. Maybe it's just wrong standards. Okay. Um, I'm looking for the person who, um, like, I'm looking for like the person that makes me laugh. Okay. I mean, I do think humor is important in a friendship.
But like, if you're just going to be with somebody who makes you laugh, it's that the only thing you're looking for, like, and that it nothing else matters within that. Like, it kind of is also in the high standards too. Like, maybe it's just they have wrong standards. So like they're dating the person. They're super hyper attracted to that's where they go. So they're, they're wrong standards. Like I have to be super hyper physically attracted to them.
And therefore some of these other things don't matter, right? So they overlook them because I'm just, they meet the standard of beauty. They like some of the same things I like. Mm-hmm. But then on the core, they don't really get along as friends or they're not very empathetic or they don't have spiritual compatibility. Yeah. And so sometimes I think it's like your standards, maybe they're just wrong. Because your standards need to be based, be based in values.
It needs to be based in character and values and not like, I need a standard of a man who is this height, who looks a certain way, who has a certain income or vice versa for the guys. It needs to be more so based in what's his heart like, how does he serve people, what's his walk with God like? And those things need to be your standards. They need to be based on value and character. So you're saying that is so good. I didn't even think about that.
Not only do we maybe have low standards, but sometimes we value the wrong standards. And I've seen that. You see it very much in like, love is blind and secular culture. Yeah. They have to be funny. They have to make me comfortable and laugh and I'll, we'll figure out the rest. Right. And then they get into the meat of relationship and they realize, oh, this person does conflictorably. And their character here isn't that great.
And oh, but I never tested or asked those questions or really cared about those things when I was dating them. But now, Christians, let me throw a curve on well and on this. Do you think there's even a tendency to hyper value like their faith or what appears like their faith? And so then I don't really have a value for the standard of kindness or empathy or compassion. And then I just marry this person who's just so like thumping, but they're not very loving. Yeah. They're not very patient.
It's looking at the fruits that when I on my list, it wasn't like faith. It was godliness. Okay. And when I meant by that on my list was fruits of the spirit. They have fruits of the spirit in their life. All of them. I don't care if they go to church. You care that they actively go to church and care about the Lord, but it's like that's just like a minor pre-right. And anyone can do that. Right. Yeah. Like I also dated my abusive guy that I dated. Yeah. Stop at a church like all the time.
He listened to messages repeatedly and just matter. Yeah. The first he's did that. Right. So it was what was on my standards was godliness. Like what are the fruits of the spirit in their life? And not they all have to be perfectly developed. I think those are always developing. But is there evidence of some of the fruits of the spirit and where are they at? Yeah. So you can only know that if you get to know someone through time also. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.
So not only are your standards are they too low or they even in the right place? Right. Do you and I love the idea of the fruits of the spirit as standards? Because guess what? When the Bible talks about the fruit, he's not saying that self-control is an apple. He's not saying that patience is an orange. He's not saying that gentleness is a pair. They're all one collective fruit, meaning the trees either growing and producing all the fruit or it's not growing and there's no fruit. Right.
You don't get one without the other. You get all the fruit or you don't. So I love that idea of are your standards too low or they too high? Well, I think the perfect standard is the fruit of the spirit in so many ways and that godliness. So Kate, thank you for coming on a man said. Thanks for having me. Are you going to come back anytime soon or? I'm just kidding. Well, we love you and we love you guys. Have a great day. Let's go. Love y'all. Thank you.