Okay, exclude previously married. No, I was open to that. Okay, exclude obese. Yes. Why are you laughing? What now you laughed? You're picturing me. I mean, I am chunky. What's up everyone? It's Kay and this is the Heart of Dating podcast. We're pumped because we're doing a two-parter. We got today's and we got Friday's episode and this is going to be a lot of fun. What's it about? It's going to be, are my standards too high or are my standards too low?
And Kate knows from personal experience because she really compromised her standards. My standards were really low when I met you. Before we get in, should we just talk a few announcements? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't there something new about school dating? Yeah. So we have school of dating. If you guys don't know what that is, first of all, it's our eight week. Well, actually this round, it's 11 weeks. It's an 11 week intensive because we are expanding phase
one and giving everybody more time. But it's our intensive program that really transforms your dating life and you can get on our first dibs list to get the massive discount. It's a private discount. So you have to be on the first dibs list. So if you text first dibs to that number, you will get the link to our lowest cost for school of dating for the month of September. Which is a big discount. It's like a $500 discount. But tell them about the new thing.
And it's so good. We love school dating. So we added a new thing, this round of school of dating that we've never done before. It's called SOD Pro. Basically, you do get a coach within SOD, the normal SOD. You get like one on one help, but you don't get like personal calls with your coach. You just get to chat with them over messenger. So a lot of people need it extra help. They're
like, I need to process this stuff with somebody one on one. So now we have SOD Pro where you will have a coach that you can meet with like over the phone or on Zoom weekly for 30 minutes for 20 weeks. Okay. That's insane. That's all I can say. So it's coaching throughout the program. And for nine weeks after the program, which you need help after the program, because now you're putting it to the test, right? Yeah. That's awesome. So SOD Pro, we also have a massive discount for that.
Just for the month of September. So check that out if you go to heartofdating.com, forward slash school of dating. Okay. All right. So for the episode today, yes, we're doing R.M.I. State Nurse too high. Right. And then Friday, we're going to do R.M.I. standards too low. Do you feel like a lot of people ask you this or like they kind of drive themselves crazy because they wonder this at night after being single for so long. They have some friends who tell
them, right? Your standards are too high. And then the other friends who are just like no girl, like or no, my brother. No, your standards are perfect. Like don't settle, don't compromise. Those are perfect. It's the biggest thing is don't settle, don't compromise, don't settle, don't settle. You deserve. That's the biggest language. Yeah, we don't like that word. You deserve the best. And you should go after somebody who is going to be the best for you.
But let's talk about people that have too high of standards. I'm just going to give a quick roundabout like explanation of what happened in my dating journey. So pre getting a lot of healing when I was younger over 10 years ago, I had, I would say I had low standards. The reason I had low standards is because I wanted attention from any guy that I could get it from. And that's kind of what I looked for. I looked for a guy that was really into me. And that was
kind of pursuing me, though sometimes I like pursued him. And if he was attractive and it seemed me like to me a lot, that's what I went for. Okay. So as long as he didn't do drugs, you know. So wasn't really about the guy. No, it was more about me and how much he liked me. And the validation he gave you. Yep, absolutely. So would you say low standards is like connected with like identity? We'll talk more about that on Friday. Okay. But what I will say is after my abusive relationship,
you know, I was brought to my lowest. I was in a very dark season of my life. And this is where I took a break off of dating and went through a process of healing. And a few years into that journey, once I decided I was ready, air quotes to date again, because I don't think you'll ever be perfectly ready. Right. My issue after that was that actually my standards became maybe a little too high. Okay. Because now I was like, I never want to get hurt again. I've done a lot of healing.
I understand more. So now I'm going to have like this crazy long list of things I'm looking for. And that for me was hindering, I would say, because, you know, now I'm being I'm being more hyper critical of every guy I'm dating. I'm looking for them to be very specifically a leader that like read their Bible a certain way, worship God a certain way, like have certain kinds of friendships. Like I was very critical. That's where, you know, that, you know, adult part of me
in an unhealthy way came out where I was quote, heals. But now I'm like, oh, I'm not going to settle. So now I'm going to look for like the absolute crem de la crem. And almost like, I want a guy that looks exactly the way I want him to look. Whether or not that was even really the best for me. Because, you know, some of that was like so specific. And actually in marrying you, I realized that some of those things that I wanted at and that were on my list of standards, like probably weren't
actually going to be that good for me in the long run. So where do you think that comes from? Like, we like, what's the heart behind that? What's the, what's the real motivation behind it? That drives that. I think it's pride and thinking like, I'm, I'm so great. So pre my healing journey, I thought of myself is very low. I thought of myself very little very. I thought, I thought very little of myself. I had low self esteem. I didn't have a lot of true love for myself. And because of
that, I would take anything I could get, right? And then post my healing journey. I'm now I feel better about myself. I genuinely care about and love myself and like myself to, you know, a certain degree. And now because of that, I'm like, okay, well, this girl, she's going to get the best of the best. Okay. So now that I, so it's kind of like you see yourself almost in an inflated light. And so sometimes when your standards are too high, I think it's because you think very
highly of yourself. And therefore, almost to a degree that's unhealthy potentially. And therefore, I'm going to look very, you're very judgmental of somebody else because they have to meet such very nitty gritty criteria on your list. Okay. So I have two questions. Yeah. First one would be, do you find that people who have that inflated super particular list? Did they even live up to that list themselves? Oftentimes no. I think there's a difference between having standards and having
standards too high of standards. Okay. First of all, I need to say that too because I don't want people to think that like you shouldn't have standards at all. I think there are healthy standards. We can talk about some of those. But I think the reality is sometimes your standards are too high. You have unfair expectations. That's a big part of it. We know and see so many relationships completely crumble because of unfair expectations. I thought this girl, I hear a lot from guys. I
thought this girl who she on paper has everything I'm looking for. Then as I get to know her, we get into a relationship. Now some of her traumas coming up. Now she's like maybe having more deeper emotions. And now I find that high maintenance. Right. It's much more messy. Nitty. Yeah. And I'm like, this is not what I want. And so, yeah. Or vice versa, the girl has these just wild expectations. We call that like the princess, you know, theology. Yeah.
Or it's just they think they deserve like princess treatment. Like all the time 24, 7, it's always mean serving her. Never really reciprocal mutual. Right. Right. Well, I want to ask you. So I think it comes from an inflated sense of self and having a sense of like, I think it also comes from potentially self protection. At least it did for me for somebody who might have been in past abusive or bad situations or had bad relationships. Right.
Now I have, I, it's like self protection. I have extra barriers. So yeah. And there is some wisdom to obviously, you know, not overlooking very clear red flags in somebody to, you know, we talked about this in our series last year. If you see a red flag, ask questions. Get curious versus I see a red flag. And I immediately write them off because that's not what I want. And yeah, exactly. I mean my standards. Yes, exactly. So there's a difference there. I'm going to, I'm one,
I see a red flag and I'm going to get curious. And I'm going to ask questions before I make judgment. Or there's a person that I see a red flag and I'm like, nope, sorry. Next. Yeah. Well, were you going to ask me a question or can I ask you one? Yeah, I would, well, if you have another question, but I have some questions for you. Well, I, I'm just so curious. Um, how do I have really good healthy standards? But not out of a place of ego or pride.
Okay. I'll think of that. I'll ask you a question. Okay. So from a guy's perspective, would you say that you had two high of standards or two low of standards in my life? Yes. Um, it's hard. I think because I was just so lack of daisicle about dating and I was so just kind of open to whatever. It sounds stupid, but, um, besides like spiritually, like her maybe having a life that really pursued God, I did not think about standards at all. Interesting.
Interesting. And I don't know if that's like naivety or ignorance. Like I just didn't think about. So you love to purge that you as hot and loved God. Basically. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't have said, Ha, I would have said like, am I attracted to her? But if she was, and I did that thing too, right? Where I was that binary, if she is, is she attractive or not? And if she is, then I evaluated
her spiritual life. And I really wish that was reversed. I really wish I looked at their spiritual life and emotional maturity and looked at them through that evaluation and then physically maybe got to know them. Well, I love that you're honesty. So we can talk more about that on Friday's episode, but I do have some other questions for you related to guys. Yeah. And but I did have someone of a high standard. I would say like I definitely filtered out lots of women. Was it more
based on physicality or what? Yeah. What was your standards filtered on? I would say, and we've talked about this in school dating. I probably hid a little bit behind the idea of the girl I want to date in Mary is athletic and like, so workout. I think that's just kind of code word for like a certain body or figure. Like physically it looks a certain way. Right. Is attractive. There is some truth to it. You like these guys? So funny. Well, I talked about this
in school dating. I probably said that, but underneath it, and it's funny behind your standards and behind what you're wanting, there's usually something deeper. So while I might have said, I'm looking for athletic and fun. It's more actually because of what I prayed about and I thought about it and we dove into it. What it really was was yes, the physical attraction. And to you, I saw my parents spend zero quality time with each other. Yeah. I saw my parents who were so
different and made no effort to meet each other in their hobbies. So out of that kind of hurt or disappointment or sadness, I made that kind of like bow or internal promise. Like, I'm never going to have that. I'm going to find someone who I can share common activities with. And ideally, those are the common activities I already like. Right. So you would have in your perfect world, which I see what you're I see why you did that. That makes sense. And there might be some health
to that. And then I think though you skewed maybe on a little bit more of the extreme pendulum, like your parents have nothing together. Okay. So I want to yeah, there is something to learn from that right because like I do know in our relationship, it's like, I wasn't interested in football. I didn't really want to go golfing with you. Yeah. First, I wasn't really interested that much and going to the gym. And so, you know, for you, even when we got married, like, you really want
me to come golfing, you really want me to do all these things. I really yearn for that. Yeah. Friends, girls, they said some of them do that, you know, and I'm like, well, I'm not them. Now, there's a balance though of like, hey, I'm never going to probably be the football lover that you are. I'm never going to watch and enjoy watching nearly as many games as you do. But can I make some effort to participate sometimes in something that you enjoy for the sake of our
connection and entering into that with you? Yeah. There's great joy meeting your partner and their hobbies, likes and interests. So, but there's also, you know, building new things together. Right. But I think that's a healthy balance of me saying, okay, I'm going to watch the Titans game with you on Sunday. Yeah. But I'm not going to watch this on the other game. And, you know, I'm not going to be in fantasy football and, you know, I'm not going to just wear all the Titans
gear. But so, I think though what you're saying is a big thing that guys look for specifically that I see is that do they like the same things I like. So I need a girl that loves me the gym as much as I do. I need a girl that loves football as much as I do. I need a girl that likes hiking and outdoor stuff as much as I do. It's very lifestyle compatibility and very hyper focus. I think that's one really high standard that people, especially I see guys put on what they're looking for
is do our lifestyles mesh completely. Meaning like, does she like all the same, a lot of the same things I like. And the funny thing is isn't it JP that says this is the really only thing that having all your likes and interests in common does is make your vacations a lot easier and nicer. I said that. Oh, I thought JP said that. Just because it's smart wise. It means it has to be like JP not me. No, I mean, I can't remember where I heard that. But I mean, yeah,
that is and that is true. We found that in our own life. What's a fan? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. We've been so fortunate to have been sponsored by BetterHelp for years now. They are absolutely without it out one of our favorite partners. If you're single, this is by far one of our favorite things not to just look for in a partner, but to go through and experience yourself, which is therapy therapy has been by far
in a way, the best decision as the best money I spend on a monthly basis. My only regret is that I didn't start sooner and singleness because you know what we say there's no such thing as married people problems. There's only single people problems that we bring into marriage. So healthy singles lead to healthy relationships that lead to healthy marriages. If you've been waiting to do therapy, I'm with you. I waited for a long time. We have a great offer. If you get a
BetterHelp.com slash HOD, we have a code for 10% off your first month of therapy. That's BetterHelp. H-E-LP. BetterHelp.com slash HOD. What are you waiting for? Let's go. If you ask me, do guys have too high of standards today? I would say in general, yes.
In general, yes. I do think there is an element to you guys. We're looking for a girl who has a body somewhat similar to Kim Kardashian, the spiritual maturity of a Beth Moore, and the low maintenance emotional low maintenance and health and easygoingness of some kind of rom-com 90s girl. You know, like a Julia Roberts. They want the same of the low maintenance of their best guy friend. Yeah, no. Seriously. Think about those 90s and 2001 rom-coms with a Julia Roberts.
They're fun. They're quirky. They're easygoing. They're throwing flower in the kitchen. You know what I mean? You never really see the deep emotional needy side of these kind of female characters. I think you need to watch some of that. Yeah, maybe. You guys have too high of standards. I do think sometimes they do. I think sometimes they're trying to marry their guy best friend who's like an aversion of a hot girl. Who likes sports, who's easygoing, who's fun, who's not needy,
who's not high maintenance, and I had that too. Right. I think it especially comes into play when when emotions enter the scene. Totally. I'm going to bring up a situation from over a year ago from friends that we know. So the girl was dating this guy. They were dated for six, eight months, something of that nature. And he had a brother. And the brother was married to a woman who they literally just never had conflict. They never had conflict ever. So his picture of what a
relationship should look like is his brother with this wife who have zero conflict. Like nothing is wrong in their relationship. So he's dating this girl that we're friends with. And as they get into things, she has a lot of emotions, which is totally okay. And she has some needs and requests. And she processes things. And she wants to talk about those. And he ends up making a comment to her.
I'm giving spark notes here of like for him, that just felt too much. He thinks that relationship should look like what his brother and his brother's wife have, which is zero conflict, just always hunky-dory. And when we did meet with him, I was like, hey, that is very idealistic and that is very rare. And I'm going to probably tell you that maybe in like 10 years, they're going to find out some things under the surface that are going to come up. Because every couple that I know
realistically has issues of some kind. Yes. I could think of best friends of ours that, yeah, they're pretty healthy people for the most part. And so you bring those two very healthy people together. My friend Sarah and John, they don't have that many issues. Do they have zero issues? No, they probably have some issues. But they, you know, I can't compare our relationship to their
relationship. Yeah. Because Sarah and Chad don't have the same past as you or I do. And they just came into their relationship probably at a different level of security than you and I did. And that's okay. So with a lot of guys though, I think they're looking for this girl that is like perfectly emotionally healthy, has zero trauma in her past and doesn't have a lot of need. Yeah. I think both sides are looking for unicorns to degree. If they do have two high standards.
Two high standards of girls too, but I'm just curious. Do you see, you remember the example I'm talking about, right? Yeah. Do you think that you've seen a lot of guys that have that expectation of women? Yeah. I listen. And I had a very quote low maintenance mom, a very quote low maintenance sister. That was more because it was like it was not a safe space for them to even share needs. Right. Emotionally it was not a safe space. An environment where grew up in.
So I never knew what a normal situation looked like. I never like a girl just being somewhat emotional for me was being super emotional like I had no scale for it. And I think if you're a girl, you dated me. Yeah. And then, but if guys who maybe have not grown up around a lot of women or have not had a lot of female friendships, they're just not used to it. And so any girl who's hysterically crying at any point is going to feel like a lot. You know, that's going to seem like
a lot. And I by far and away, the biggest challenge I see in dating and relationship and first years of marriage, myself included. And I hear this all the time from guys is they are wildly unprepared to have empathy and compassion for how emotional their wife can be sometimes. I have a good friend today. He just reached out. They've been married for five or six years and they have two kids. And they are still going through this ringer where he doesn't understand her trauma. He can't
provide the emotional empathetic space that she really wants. And it's still hurting, like deeply hurting their marriage five or six years later. Yeah. And so I'm not I'm never going to fall a guy for that. You know, if you didn't grow up in that environment, if you didn't have a good example, I didn't. But at some point, we really do need to learn and grow in that. A lot of times, though, it's we've never experienced that deep empathetic safe space or self. So how could we ever
extend it to our female partner? Right. But okay. So I agree with you. And I have compassion for those guys. And once a guy figures out this girl is emotional or has a past or has trauma. Yeah. Like a lot of them are like freaked out by it and want to run away. Yeah. Because it is a hard battle. I was tempted to with you. You know, there was definitely like a couple moments and dating where
I wanted to walk away. And I had peace about saying, but more importantly, I also had a mentor who was decades ahead of me and had many more years of experience with trauma, emotions, you know, deep, deep empathy who who told me to turn around lean on the Holy Spirit and go back in that room. I'll never forget. I called him one time. You said things to me that I never wouldn't imagine. You know, you say it was a deeply traumatic moment. And I called him and I
fully expected him to say, yeah, you need to walk away. That is that is not okay. And he said the opposite. He said, I don't care what she said. I don't care what she did. In this moment, you have an opportunity to love her. Forget all the hurt and the pain will work through it later. But what you need to do right now is lean on the Holy Spirit and get back in that room and go be a safe space for her. I mean, empathetically love her. And so I literally was like shell shocked. I took
five minutes to pray and I walked back into that room. And that was that was the best thing ever for me. That was the best practice ever for marriage. But that was such a foreign I had never, ever seen that model. I did I had no compass for what that looked like. And I took and didn't take a pier. It didn't take a friend, someone who was in the same place or had no experience.
It took a guy who was one, two, three decades ahead of me, much, much more mature than me. You know, someone who could be actually discipling and mentoring me to have that wisdom and guidance, that firmness to tell me to get back in there. And that's what I needed. Like if I didn't have that, I don't know if we don't, I don't know if we would be married. Yeah. So that brings up a good point. I think a lot of guys and let's get to the girls too and how they have high standards.
But do you think that some guys just have their standards and don't really run it by other guys? Yes. Don't really have anybody checking in on like, yes. And if they do run it by, we're running it through a guy who's probably as mature as us, who doesn't have the wisdom we need. So it's like they need somebody with more wisdom, especially probably somebody married.
Yeah. Are these standards too high? It should be a married guy. Yeah. It should be a guy who's seen multiple relationships come and go, you know, who's 20 years older than you, who works maybe with young adults, works with marriages, like run it through that guy. Don't run it through your guy, your pal who's just going to pet you on the back and say, yeah, me too. You know, and that's the same for the girls. Yeah. Okay. So that idea is same. Where do you think that girls have two
high standards? I would say just in general with high standards, my top problem, my top issue with it is this. A lot of the people I find that have high standards are not actually living up to those standards themselves. And the word behind that is entitlement. They're entitled to something that they feel is what they deserve. Something that's awesome and great that they don't have to live up to themselves. Wow. That's true. And that's true for both sides. Yeah. Like for guys and girls.
Yeah. Both sides are wanting something that they're not really living up to at the end of the day. Now some people are living up to those standards. Yeah. And they are like running their life with excellence. Because what if the guy or the girl in this case is emotionally pretty healthy has done a lot of work. But then she comes in contact or he comes in contact and starts dating somebody who maybe is still in the process of their healing journey. Yes. So they're not on the same place.
So should my standard be? Nope. I'm going to be with somebody who's as healed as I am who's done just as much work as I've done. Should that be the standard? Yeah. It's a good question. I'm always cautious to project my same standard. Because there's probably a good chance that there may be more mature than me in some areas. They probably come and could help me out in some areas of my life. So I never want to look at it out with pride. I never want to look it out as like I've made it this far.
Like you haven't made it on that far on your own. There's been a lot of amazing people on your journey helping you. There's been God helping you. There's been Jesus. Like there's the will underneath your will. So I would say in humility, like for someone who is maybe running at a similar pace. And even if they're not in the same place in their life, like where are they maybe greater than you in some areas where they better work and they challenge you. I was not on the same
place of emotional healing and growth that you had been. I haven't been to as near as much therapy as you had. But there's also other ways in my life where I could challenge you and lead you in you know that really, really grew you and have growing you. So you're not looking for a copycat version of yourself. You're not looking for a clone. Like every person is so unique and different in their story. I would say look for the areas in their life where they do challenge you where
they are better than you. Yeah. Where you can learn like something from them. And in the other areas where you want to see them grow or learn, you don't give it time and see if they see if they rise to the occasion. I love that aspect of relationship wherever they have deficiencies or areas that they they need to grow in, which is all of us. Give them the opportunity to rise to the
occasion and see and see what they do. You know, sometimes when you have two high of standards, I think the biggest issue is that you don't give other people the opportunity to rise up. And instead you just judge them and write them off. And again, that's you thinking more of yourself. Like, oh, I'm better than them. Them. I've done this. I've gotten there and they have it. And also you miss being curious and even asking questions. So you might write them off off
something right away and be like, nope, sorry. Next, when you don't actually know, like what's behind that? Is that something that they're working on? Is it something that they're willing to work on? And so sometimes when you have two high of standards, you're just really easy to go straight to the next person instead of getting curious, instead of giving them the opportunity to change and grow, which every person is capable of. Yeah. And you have I do think it's I do think it's fair to
give that opportunity. And the reality is like they're probably deficient some areas that they need to grow in. And you are also deficient some areas that you also need to grow in. Like you're both human. Yeah. You know, so I do love that aspect though of how do I know if my standards are too high, ask someone who's much more wise in you, who's seen a lot more marriages and relationships
in you. I'm not saying your friends are bad resources, but if I want to ask my friends, my peers who had no experience with trauma with like emotional women and blah, blah, blah, if I would have asked them if I should have kept dating Kate, they would have said, walk away, man. Like she's way too emotional. Like your standards are not too high if you want a woman who's emotionally healthy. Like they could have that love football. Yeah. They could have
like twisted it if they wanted to versus I think like that's why we need discipleship. We say that so many times in this in this podcast, we we need people who are wiser than us to speak into our lives for this very reason. Yeah. What's up fam. This show is sponsored by Armara Kallasram. In case you guys didn't know, I like to share stuff with Kate. That is all the way from the sweater. I'm wearing right now. You has technically this is Kate sweater. All right, but it's gender
neutral. Okay. And I don't know if it's a good thing if it fits me and her. I don't know who that is a problem for. But let me tell you about Armara. It's Kallasram. That's the central ingredient you hear that the that the babies get in their first nutrition of life and the first months of life. And what I love is by yes, taking even Kate's Kallasram that was sent for her without my name on it, I've actually noticed a huge difference in my life. I actually forgot to take it with me in
Europe. And I noticed a huge difference in my recovery, my performance, my just day-to-day mood, and fatigue. And for me personally, I don't know, I guess I'm just lazy. I just love any nutrient, any super nutrient. I can just dump it into my coffee, dump it into my protein shake. I can't even taste it, which is really nice. And I just go on about my day. And I absolutely feel it
in my recovery, my sleep, and the next day. So if you guys are interested in trying Armara, that's tryarmara.com, tr-y-a-r-m-r-a.com slash HOD, and use that code HOD to get 15% off your first order. I promise you guys will love it. Okay, so I thought it would be fun. I found this tool. It's literally called like, Armara. My standards to high test. It's on TikTok. You can find it. And you go in and you punch in like, I'm a female looking for a man. Here's my age range.
Here's the height. Here's the religion. Here's the income. Things like that. So we're going to build, if you were single, we're going to build your man. And we're going to see what percentage of the population this is. Okay. Build it on somewhat high standards. Okay. Not insane. Okay. Before I met you when I was still like pretty. Yeah, this is single-kate. A little crack crack. Okay, so you were looking for men. Yes. Okay. Wants kids. Yes. Okay. Age. I would say only my age or five
years above. Okay. What about younger? No. Okay. So 34 to 39 or 33 to 38? No, I'm 35. Okay. So you're doing like current age. Yeah. Okay. 35 to 40. Okay. What about height? What was your height range? I was a little more flexible with height, but I would have preferred somebody my height. Okay. So five seven? Five seven or above. Okay. Five seven to seven foot. Okay. Here's a good question. Minimum income. Definitely wanted them to make at least 150,000. Whoa. Whoa.
California. So 150 minimum. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm like, you wouldn't have been cool with 70. Not in California now. But you weren't you don't make 150. Don't tell people. You're making half that. Okay. Dang. Ethnicity. Any? I was pretty open. Gosh. How crazy do I get out here? Well, this you can only pick one or do any. So unless you're like they have to be like black or they have to be white. When I was being picky, I wanted to date a white guy. Okay.
But I was completely open by the end to be honest. I didn't care. Okay. So we'll do any. Okay. Sure. Hair color. Didn't care. Okay. Eye color. Light eyes. Okay. Let's see if we have light. We have green blue brown. Green and blue. Okay. But you can only do one. Blue. Okay. Dang. Dang. Okay. You really find out about someone. Education. At least college degree, bachelor's. Okay. At least a bachelor's religion. Christian. Yeah. You weren't looking for any other
ones. Okay. Smokes. No. Definitely not drinks. Is there a way to put like socially either? Yeah. Like kid me. Yes. Could be no. Okay. Exclude previously married. No. I was open to that. Okay. Exclude obese. Yes. Why are you laughing? What now you laughed? I didn't laugh. You're picturing me. Here we go. All right. You're doing. I mean, I am chunky. Oh my goodness. Okay. There's 165 million men in the US. Your criteria met point.
One. Oh four percent. Point one percent of God. Yeah. Not one percent. Your criteria met point one percent. Okay. There's 171,000 eligible bachelor's according to your criteria. 171,000. Yeah. It seems pretty high. I mean, it is high. I mean, there's also 165 million men. Well, and there's a lot of cities. And it just that like split that divided by like all the cities in America. Yeah. You know, exactly. There's like a couple thousand in the city. How many cities are
like bit major cities? Are there in America? I mean, is there like at least like one major city in each state? And then maybe at least so that's 50 plus probably additional 10. Yeah. There's probably a lot. So divide that number. There's probably like two or three thousand. Okay. Let's do the calculator. Let's divide. Say there's like a hundred major cities. And 165. That's what one. There's like one point seven. So that means one thousand six hundred fifty. Yeah. 1700 guys per city. Okay.
That's not that bad. I mean, but there's millions of okay. That is a lot. Wow. I mean, so the world got really small really fast for you. Point one percent. Point one percent is pretty low. Okay. Should we do me? Yeah. Okay. So you're looking for a woman or a man? Should we tell them? Kate. Kate. Kate had to ask me when we were dating if I was gay. Yep. So you wanted one. Because I was so in touch with with my emotions. I take that as a compliment. Did you care if they
wanted kids? Yes. Age. What am I doing current age right now? 29? Yeah. I feel like 29. You have a big range. You can do 24, 23. We'll do 23 to 30. Oh, right. If you're a guy. See. Yeah. Yeah. Post-college of year two. Okay. Hi. Hi. I'm fine with the shorty. Oh, interesting. Five foot one. You were good with short, shorter gals. Yeah. What height? Uh, uh, stall as possible. Are you serious? I mean, I'm not going to marry like you. I'll be wait some seven foot.
You're I mean, if she have, I mean, I don't think that exists. But yeah, I mean, I was fine dating a girl who's also six foot six foot one. I didn't care that much. Um, interesting. I was fine with if she's making 30,000. What? Yeah. Okay. So you weren't making me free. You're income. That's for sure. Okay. I don't know what you're talking about ethnicity. Uh, I was any is fine. Hair color. Any. I color. Any. Education. Um, I was cool with any.
If she didn't go to college, Christian. No, Buddhist. Smokes. Uh, non-smoker drinks. Uh, either. Excluding somebody who's previously married. Um, let's go ahead and say yes just for the sake of this. Exclude a beast. Yeah. Okay. Yours is not that bad. Well, we'll see. All right. That's. Um, so there's 168 million women. Okay. In America. Yeah. Your results give you 1.78%. That's it. Mine was 0.1%. But think about what I just said.
I was super, super lenient. That's 2.9 million. That's actually a pretty big number though. Yeah. That's wild. 2.9 million. So you were willing to do a lot of women. I mean, yeah, I was pretty open. So is this showing people that they can be picky or not? Um, you know, I would just say for this episode are your standards too high? There's, there is a healthy place to approach high
standards. And I would say the opposite of the word entitlement is humility. It's one humility that God, what God has for you is better than anything that you could probably dream up for yourself and to a humility that we don't deserve. Right? Yeah. Like if you think too low of yourself, you think that you deserve punishment, harm, that you deserve a bad spouse. If you think too high of yourself, you think you deserve the most perfect person. Exactly. So it's not there. And then
you'll also come into any conflict thinking like it's not you. It's always that. Exactly. So that word deserve needs to be deleted. Yeah. I think it's humility. The reality is what you're looking for is somebody to compliment you in the kingdom of God. So when you have standards, there should be a level of standard that says, I'm looking for somebody that together were greater for the kingdom than a part. But outside of that, when it comes to lifestyle, when it comes to how
much money they make, when it comes to like, do we like all the same things? Like those things shouldn't really matter. Yeah. Because those things don't really affect the kingdom of God, which is the ultimate purpose of marriage. So in terms of standards, look for somebody where together you're going to do greater things for the kingdom than a part. Outside of that, I think it should be open handed. Yeah. Absolutely. What do you think about this question? I should
only date someone and marry them if they add value to my life. Oh, but behind that is what I want to know because adding value in terms of, okay, do they challenge me in Christ? Right. Is a good thing. But adding value as in, oh, they make me feel so good. And you know, they they're great income. Yeah. Like families wealthy. Right. Like it's like what kind of value? Isn't that their love maintenance? Or is it like, is he going fun relationship? Yeah. They
let me do my hobbies. Let me golf three times a week. They're cool with my gambling. You know, they really let me be me and autonomy. Yeah. My biggest thing is if how to test if you have high standards, are you curious with the people that you're dating? Yeah. That's a good one. When you come across something that feels not what you prefer, do you get curious? Do you ask questions? Do you give them an opportunity to either change or explain themselves? If you don't with non-judgment,
if you don't do that, then you have two highest standards. Yeah. Well, that was a fun episode. Fun fact, we didn't really have a ton of bullet points. This one was much more conversational. It was more free flow. So I really enjoyed it. Good job, JJ. Yeah. We love you guys. Have a great day. Blessings to you. Bye. The Heart of Dating podcast is created by Kate and JJ Tomlin. Shout out to our epic audio and
video editor, Scott Carro. We have an amazing heart of dating team who helps bring the show to you each week. I want to shout out Kelsey Napier, our Heart of Dating digital marketing coordinator, and Elena Gibson, our brand and community manager. We couldn't do it without them. Now, if you guys have never ranked us or reviewed us on iTunes or Spotify, would you consider doing that? It would mean so much because our podcast can get more discovered and more people can learn how
to better date as Christians. Don't we all want that? We launch our podcast each and every week on Wednesdays. So we'll see you next week.