Welcome to Healthy Ish. Thanks for joining us on the summer series. Yes, you have tuned into the Body and Soul podcast with me your host Felicity Harley. To celebrate summer, we're dropping our top Healthish episodes from the year now. According to love Honey Groups twenty twenty four Sex Trends Report, relationships sabbaticals are on the rise, So can taking a break from your partner actually benefit you and the relationship.
Joining us in the studio back at the beginning of the year was somatic sexologist Alice Charles to discuss all the pros and cons. Now, make sure you listen in to our sister podcast, Extra healthy Ish, where she talks about out of course self pleasure and pushing past the mental load for more masturbation. You can search for that episode where we get your podcasts. This is an interesting
one rise of relationship sabbatical now. One of the big trends out of love Honey's twenty twenty four or six trends report was this whole idea of a relationship sabbatical is it exactly so?
The idea is that within a relationship, we all have not only our relationship with our partner, but also our relationship with ourselves, and the idea of a relationship sabbatical is actually first called a marriage sabbatical is about taking time away from the relationship in order to focus on your own desires, your own dreams, your own goals, and have some time to yourself for self reflection and work.
I mean, in many ways it sounds very appealing because often in a relationship we can forget about ourselves, and especially if we've got demands of kids and work, and so is it I mean, is it about finding someone new or is it totally focused on Because when I first heard this time, I thought, oh, well, is that about seeing if there's someone else out there that might be more suited.
No, it's not supposed to be a trial separation or a time to go and find a new partner. Supposed to be about self reflection and self time and sort of countering that myth that when you know a good relationship is happening, it's about two becoming one and really actually a healthy relationship needs both people to really prioritize themselves.
I'm on the fence about this as a concept, interestingly, because I think it requires such incredible communication and really clear boundaries around what are the expectations of the sabbatical? You know, what are we working on? Why are we doing it? You know, how are we're communicating while we're while we're apart? Are we living together? What does this mean for the kids? All of these sorts of questions
that require really clear and open, respectful communication. And I think a lot of people would see the appeal of a relationship sabbatical without being able to have the important conversations necessary to do it in a respectful way and a healthy way for them.
Yeah. Yeah, so pros are great for finding yourself, you know, if you feel like you have lost yourself in a relationship. Are there any what else are they?
Well? In the book the marriage Sabbatical, whether the term was first coined, it's really about this idea that a healthy relationship we support our partner to fulfill their goals and dreams. So, for example, one person's life goal and dream was to go hiking in Nepal. It's about okay, how you know, as a team, as a relationship, can we make sure you have the time and the space
to go and fulfill that want to do that? Yeah? Exactly, And there are all sorts of individual goals and dreams that people might have that feel selfish or that don't adhere to the team or the marriage. And so the idea is we should be helping our partners prioritize these
really important life dreams. Hence the marriage sabbatical. So you can see why in that sort of frame, it's a really healthy thing, not just for you know, the individual, but you know, for the health and happiness of the life together.
And so I suppose, sorry, just need to run. And I was just thinking about you. You're going, let's take that Nepal trick, because it's a great example. You go away, you take a sabbatical for a month, two months, you go to Nepal, I mean, and then you come back and the relationship can be so much more in riching because you've had this amazing life experience so completely.
And we need that. You know, there's a reason why people say things like distance makes the heart groat fonder, but we need that separateness, I suppose for connection to happen. You know, this is what Esther Perrell, the Amazing sex therapist, talks a lot about in her book Meeting and Captivity is connection doesn't happen when we are, you know, so codependent. We actually need to have that separateness in order for great chemistry and connection to happen. So you can definitely
see the potential pros. Yeah, I think in terms of potential is that a lot of people see the appeal of these sorts of breaks when the relationship is already really struggling and they're really craving that distance or escapism from the relationship. And as I was saying before, that miscommunication can can be really harmful. You think about the you know, Ross and Rachel who are on a break in friends, Yes, and that complete miscommunication of what that even means.
That's a great example.
Yeah, you know, and that's the sort of thing which I think couples need to be really wary of.
And also how to actually implement this. You're right, like, if you've got kids, if you're kids at school, I mean, obviously it's never gonna happen when you've got young kids and you're trying to you're in the trenches. I mean, what how does it look like what you just pack up or your husband just or partner just packs up and off they go.
For a real privilege, you know, you have to be able to afford to accommodation and sort of afford the hotel, and you know, logistically is it? Is it possible? And so you know when working with a couple, what I would get curious about, would or what is the motivation behind this desire? Like what needs do you feel aren't being met within your current relationship? You know, where is
this desire for distance coming from? And actually can we create you know, a relationship dynamic where those needs are being met? What do we need to talk about? What do we need to work on rather than right, it's just time for three months apart? Yeah?
What about if a listener is thinking, okay, I need a bit of I need to find me again. And I think, especially as women, that gets lost a lot in our thirties and forties when we've got so many other demands. How do we go about having this conversation with our partner completely?
Well, first off, I would do a bit of self reflection on what helps you feel like you? You know, before you're working out what to ask from or what to talk about with your partner, have a little thing yourself. What does make me feel like myself? When do I feel most confident, most half filled? Most myself or when did I in the past, and what am I craving more of? You know, is it time with friendships, time on your own, time without the children? What is it
that you're craving more of? And then when you know what you're needing or wanting, or you think you're needing and wanting, you can then have that communication and that conversation.
So is there any have you come across any people that have actually made a relationships aboutical work.
No. Interestingly, I've worked with quite a lot of couples who have had time apart for one reason or another. They just didn't call it a relationship sabbatical. It could have been a trial separation and then they came back together, and so retrospectively, I suppose it was a relationship article. But they are different things. And people who have obviously had time apart through being long distance, and that's often a really great opportunity to renegotiate boundaries around Okay, well,
how are we going to communicate in this time? What are our approaches to monogamy in this time? Are we still going to stay monogamous during that year or two apart? And so those periods of time in a relationship are often scene as a I suppose sabbatical insider cast. Yeah, if that.
Works, why do you think it's a trend? Then what is this something more people are discovering questioning?
Ye wanting to It would have made a lot of sense post COVID, because I think there was a lot of focus in the media post COVID of COVID being potentially good for some relationships. You know, all of these couple suddenly having sex in the middle of the afternoon, or all of these new couples suddenly needing to commit
and live together and make at work. But on the other side of the fence, it was a hugely challenging time for a lot of relationships in that close quartered space, not to mention all of the additional stress that was going on on people's mental health. You know, you can sort of see the appeal coming out of something like that, so need to work on yourself and some need for some space. But yeah, in terms of twenty twenty four, really interesting. I'd be curious. I've diving a bit bit more.
I wonder whether it's I mean, I think you're right. I think last year when people were probably thinking about Okay, what do I want in a relationship. We were feeling like we were still feeling the effect of COVID in many ways. I mean, we saw what we see in mental health and all sorts of things. But maybe people were yeah, thinking, Okay, yes I still need that break from my partner who knows.
And there's definitely a focus on you know, self development, self care, which is fantastic obviously, But again I would get curious as to why people feel that they can't do self development, self care time for themselves within a relationship, you know, and if they're feeling they need to ask their partners for permission for a night out with friends, that to me is more worrying, you know. So again that's what I'd get curious about. It is what isn't
being met? Why what's going on here? Is it a communication? You know's what's happening within the dynamic that's causing this tension? Alice, thank you for coming and help you of course, thank you for having me.
And by the way, Allis and I were chatting after I pressed stop on the recording, and that book did come out in nineteen ninety nine, Marriage Sabbatical, So you can see why the concept might have been relevant twenty five odd years ago. Anyway, If you do want to read more about relationships sabbaticals, I will leave a link to the story on Body and Soul online. If you did enjoy this chat, jump on rate and review it all. You can subscribe to this podcast of course, or share
this set with a friend or perhaps your partner. You know, if you're just exploring the idea, this might give you some advice, perhaps anything else. At to bodyansoul dot com dot you follow us on socials, grab our print edition which is out in your local Sunday paper, and until tomorrow, stay healthy ish