Ep.48 The Missing Link To Deep, Fulfilling Relationships - Solo Episode

We'll also discuss why we sometimes fall into cycles of feeling unfocused, triggered, and unable to be present and how this, how this all ties into dysregulation, disconnection, and a lack of self awareness. We're also just going to talk about Stepping into living a life of surprise, magic, beauty, and creativity. Yay!

But first, I want to chat a bit about relationships. So relationships rarely end because people stop loving each other. They most commonly end because people, over time, start to not feel connected to each other. One of the most important aspects of any relationship is to feel a certain sense of connection. When we don't feel connection, we begin to feel unseen, unknown, and misunderstood, and then lonely.

In our relationships and so this usually happens over a period of time, so it's not just a day, a week, or even a year, it's constant and chronic, and it just keeps going on and on, and it's that lack of connection.

That makes it so people lose their motivation to give to the relationship anymore, and I know It's tragic, but it's one of the main reasons why Relationships end and what causes this while many different things How one of which is how we deal with our own personal stress and life can be oh my god Incredibly stressful. We've got Sometimes a health crisis going on, sometimes we've got a work crisis, we have kids, and that's difficult for new parents.

Like, life has just built into it some incredibly challenging things. And then major events cause us to make decisions, and we're actually not aware of that. Taught how to deal with these big life events like how to stay connected to our partners and our friendships When life literally goes to shit, how do we stay loving to our partners? How do we keep our relationships strong in the face of enormous adversary?

we're just we're just not taught it and you Most of the stress that people feel, most of the time, becomes like these, these little stressors, and those little stressors become addictive, so it's that work stress, it's being, you know, over caffeinated, we are not Eating or forgetting to eat and by the end of the day, we're exhausted now We have to go home and give our attention to our dogs our partners our kids And we're just like we got no fuel left in the tank so this might be describing you

or someone you are in a relationship with and what this leads to is that we begin to live our lives more in our heads and And When we're stressed or overwhelmed, it's so easy to get stuck there and we might withdraw without even realizing it, leaving our partners feel shut, feeling shut out. It's often a sign that we're struggling to stay connected. So this is also not about eliminating stress.

Because life is stressful and we actually have bodies that can deal with stress, but it is about changing the way that we relate to it. So we can do that by beginning to recognize when we are losing connection with our partner.

And so part of the way that we do that is through self awareness and self connection. And when we are more aware of our internal states and what's going on, we tend to take responsibility for our part in what's happening in our deepest relationships.

And if we don't, we can get into this thinking pattern that They're the reason for the disconnect and then we can become nitpicky and nitpicking then leads to resistance, then resentment, then contempt, and then at that point we usually begin to throw in the towel. So the first place that we have to begin to look is in the mirror and within. And one of the most loving things that we can ever do is to begin to take care of ourselves.

And the reason why it's so important to begin showing up for ourselves at the level that we want someone else to show up for us is partly about having. internal standards for how we wish to be treated. And that actually begins with how we treat ourselves, how we show up for ourselves. So we've got to take care of ourselves first. And what I also want to say is that When we are experiencing stress, we just don't, we don't see ourselves clearly. We don't see our partners clearly.

We don't see our children clearly. We don't see our lives clearly. And if we are in a state of chronic stress, it's so easy to only see the negative, to only see what is missing. So again, we come back to this nitpicky state.

I've definitely been there where I've noticed and I've become aware of, Oh my God, like When's the last time I actually complimented my husband and instead I use that time in my words to criticize something that he's done, whether it's, Oh my God, you didn't clean up after yourself or you didn't, you know, fold the laundry or, you know, you didn't do something that I expected you to do and we nitpick and then it becomes an outward expression of our own internal state, how we're feeling inside,

whether it's, we're not feeling good enough. not feeling vibrant in our bodies, in our minds. We're overworked, overwhelmed, and we just cannot see things clearly. And this is one of the reasons why it's so key to have self awareness. I think that this is probably the concept that I speak so much about because it is absolutely instrumental in having fulfilling relationships.

So being aware of our attachment adaptations, being aware of our traumas, being aware of how our past may be impacting our present, and And here's the thing, like it always is, it always is. And so I was listening to a Joe Dispenza workshop the other day, and he was speaking about brainwave states and when they, the different states develop when we were children.

So I want to just take a step back because as I just mentioned, the way we connect with others, isn't just about. The present. It's deeply rooted in our early programming. So here are some interesting findings. Children between zero and six years old predominantly operate in theta brain waves. So this is the catalyst for childhood imagination and sculpting, sculpting the subconscious.

Then between ages of seven to twelve, We increase and reach the alpha state and alpha is a highly creative state where children are in flow. So they've got heightened states of imagination and their creativity is at its peak. So they love to pretend to play, they dream and explore creative avenues. Then from ages 8 to 12 onwards, uh, beta begins to take root. So this is now the world of conscious analytical thinking, so the mind is awake, focused and alert and is capable of logical thinking.

So these findings are incredible because what they're saying is that for the most part, most of us are living sponges for the first eight years of our lives. So we're soaking everything in. And then these events or life experiences are not being filtered through the higher functioning of our brains.

So they're going straight into our subconscious and are stored as part of our experience, as part of our attachment systems and nervous systems, until we have the capacity and ability as adults to take a look at them and change some beliefs. Why is this important? Well, if we didn't have examples of repair or adults who were attuned to us and made us feel safe most of the time, these experiences just become who we think we are.

So, if self awareness is being aware of how your current state is impacting or creating the filter by which you see your relationships, then we must first look at the ways that our past is influencing our present. And so when we already have these underlying built up wounds, when we get consumed with ill health, work, or various things in our lives, we begin to become very self involved. So we start to live in our heads. We're always thinking and thinking and problem solving and ruminating.

And when we do that, we can very easily distance ourselves from the person or people we care about. Have you ever had a moment like that where suddenly you're overwhelmed, you're stressed, and you just realize it's been a month and you haven't really talked to anyone. So then your partner or a person who cares about you asks you, you know, what are you thinking about, or what's going on with you?

Sometimes we find ourselves getting protective or defensive about our thoughts, instead of realizing. that we may not have been as communicative as we need to be because here we are living in our head and then our people are just asking us what's going on, excuse me, and then we create a story sometimes about how, you know, our people aren't respecting our boundaries.

Or, you know, they're, they're being nosy or being needy when what is really happening is that we're living in our heads and distancing ourselves and all that our people are trying to do is create bids for connection. They're trying to get close to us. So the biggest disservice we have in our relationships is not picking up when our loved ones are trying to connect with us. And it's really hard to do that when we are disconnected from ourselves.

And sometimes it's easier to focus on what everyone else is doing wrong rather than to look at what we are feeling sad or lonely about. And this becomes rejecting. So, Every time we're only focusing on what's wrong with our people, we're rejecting them. Any time we're getting extra protective and living in our heads and not opening ourselves to our partnerships and friendships, we're rejecting them.

Any time, every time we look down at our phones when our people are trying to share something that's important to them, any bid for connection, we're rejecting them. So this This idea of attunement also goes hand in hand with being self aware. This is also about becoming and being direct and vulnerable in a loving way. So how can we do this within our connections? Well, We can first start to realize that we're stressed out. And we can start to have honest conversations with our loved ones.

Maybe saying something like, you know, beginning with, I love you. And I want to be more connected to you. This is what I'm experiencing. Are you experiencing this too? And typically what I see in my practice is that when one person is feeling disconnected, so is the other. It is felt. And it is so easy to become consumed by our own worry and our own crisis that we can't see the other person.

So from a nervous system perspective, when we're on edge, we're triggered every day, stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It overrides the prefrontal cortex and we can't focus and be loving and caring and connected because our nervous systems, our nervous system patterns have taken control. In other words, your body has become your mind.

And the brain processes information from all systems in the body that's gathered through many different means, through our relationships, through our environment, through what we're eating, through all kinds of things, and emotions are shaped by body states. The capacity for conscious emotional experiences is dependent on the capacity for conscious body experience. And this all has to do with communication, attachment, and bonding, which are key ingredients for our well being and health.

So this can be a great place to begin this work of healing in the present moment, what transpired in the past. So repairing our nervous systems so that we're not going through our day to day life in survival mode, feeling triggered, untethered, feeling like something is always about to happen, you know, the other. The other shoe is about to drop. So repairing your nervous system is what will help us reconnect.

What will help us focus when our body is our mind, meaning our nervous systems responses have taken over it. It's very difficult to access kind, loving, communicative parts of our brain that wants connection. The sensations in our body trigger our mind to try and make sense of them. And then when we are completely overwhelmed by these sensations, it's pretty difficult to focus on pretty much anything else other than our pain.

Everyone has bouts of trouble focusing, procrastination, overwhelm, and disconnection. And what it comes down to most of the time is our nervous systems and the information that we are feeding them. So we do have tools to kind of access our operating panel, so to speak. So we can go in, flip some switches and begin functioning optimally again. Now, quite often this doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. I've seen it time and time again.

So we all have access to this like treasure trove of healing within us. It's all right there. We just need to know how to get in touch with it. I created this program many moons ago. called Reclaiming Resilience, and it's literally the foundation of nervous system repair.

So it is there that I began my own journey, my own process of becoming self aware and turning off some of my own preconditioned states of overwhelm, panic, and anxiety that led to ultimately me beginning to feel connected, inspired, and able to deal with the things that life was throwing my way. So I wanted to mention that and I'll leave it in the show notes.

And I also wanted to give you some things right now that can help soothe your system and bring you back into the present body, into the present moment. This is truly the heart of everything, because when we are present and calm, we are better parents. We are better friends. We're just, we're better leaders. Just everything becomes easier. So if you're someone who's running around constantly on edge, easily triggered and overwhelmed, it's pretty hard to create the life you want.

And this is true for relationships as well.

Now let's talk a bit about how we can start today to bring more presence and connection into ourselves and into our relationships. And these three very simple practices can make a world of difference. Number one. Now this may sound like common sense, but I'm just going to throw this out there. So. So we want to start tracking how we feel after we do certain things. So say you're scrolling on social media, it's a really easy example, for half an hour.

When you're done, how do you feel in your body? Do you feel stress? Do you feel tension in your body? Or does being there light you up and inspire you? Another way to access this is you can simply ask yourself this one question. Does this energize or deplete me? And once you begin to know these things. that are putting you on high alert, you can begin to limit yourself from doing those things. And only you can figure out what those things are for you.

Again, as I mentioned, is it spending too much time on social media, listening to the news? Maybe it's hanging out with that one friend that when you leave, you feel depleted. So that's number one. Number two, um, Start humming or singing, wherever you can, in the shower, in the kitchen, in the car. You do not have to be a professional singer or even have a so called nice voice. As my Irish ancestors say, if you have a voice, you can sing. So use your voice.

Sing or hum, and this is direct access to your vagus nerve, which I won't talk too much about in today's episode, but it's very good at helping you regulate. So after you're finished singing, just notice how you feel. Notice how you feel in your body. Do you have any sensations of warmth, of well being, of maybe being more present, more grounded? Step number three, and you can do this right now.

I mean, you can also start humming or singing right now, but step three, so place both of your hands on your heart. Maybe just take a breath and then push in a little bit and then kind of just move them up and down gently a few times. And while you're doing that, just take a few more breaths and really just direct your attention to where your hands are on your heart and just pause there.

At this point, you might just want to offer yourself some words of compassion and well being with your hands still on your heart. I am safe. I am love. I am whole. So just spending another moment or so there. And then again, including the body, how do you feel after just taking a minute to place your hands on your heart and offer yourself some words of well being?

Now, how this all ties into childhood wounds, attachment trauma, and life stress is that when all of our parts begin to feel safe, heard, and tended to, they begin to soften. They begin to open up and offer up a wellspring of well being, connection, and love. So ultimately, healing disconnection in relationships is about becoming more aware of how stress and our past influence the way that we show up.

And when we learn how to take care of ourselves and attune to our partners, magic happens in our relationships and within ourselves.

So with that, I just want to end with a few quotes. The first one is, Choose discomfort over resentment. Thanks for that one, Brene Brown. The right way to wholeness is made up of fateful detours and wrong turnings. I don't know who wrote that one, but it's a gooder. If you bring forth that which is within you, then that That which is within you will be your salvation. If you do not bring forth that which is within you, then that which is within you will destroy you. The Gnostic Gospels.

Okay friends, well I hope that you've enjoyed today's episode and that's all I have. So until next Wednesday, bye for now. As always, thank you so much for listening. Life is busy. So it means even more that you're carving out time in your day to be here. Listen, we've got so many great episodes coming up, so please make sure you subscribe to follow along on Apple podcasts or Spotify. And for those of you who like to watch your podcasts, we are now uploading them to YouTube.

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