48. Size 12

Go ahead and skip this one and we'll see you on the next one .

Share it on social media . I'd love to get some more listeners to the Healing Grows Nikki podcast . Thanks for considering . Hey everyone .

So today , as you already know because you made it past , the first disclaimer is , today we're going to be talking about weight and our sizes of clothes and our relationships with our moms and our weight and our sizes of clothes .

So , just as another reminder , if that's not something that you're up for right now , no problem , just go ahead and stop this episode and we'll catch you at the next time . When I was little , one of my very , very favorite things to do was to go shopping with my mom , and actually , as I grew older , that was one of my favorite things too .

We would go into the fitting room and she would try on a bunch of clothes and I would give her my opinion . I was pretty young . I don't think she listens to my opinion or when I was older it was a thing we would do . I would bring in just a heap of clothes and her job was to put them back on the hanger after I was done trying them on .

Ooh , I just got a little catch at my throat . Thinking about my mom is making me a little emotional today . At any rate , I was little . I don't know exactly how old . I was Old enough to remember and old enough to hold on to it for the rest of my life .

My mom never spoke highly about the way that she's looked , even when she was her smallest , her tiniest . She never spoke highly of her body . I would always hear about it when we were in the dressing room . You know she'd make noises like oh I'm so fat and how did I let myself go , and things like that , and I didn't understand so I didn't say anything .

But I remember one time in particular she was furious with herself because the size that she fit into was size 12 . If I remember correctly , she started tearing up that she fit into was size 12 . If I remember correctly , she started tearing up that she was a size 12 . And she talked about how fat and overweight and ugly . She was as a size 12 .

And when she got older she stopped smoking and , naturally for many people , she started gaining more weight and she would get bigger and bigger and the sizes would increase , increase , increase . She hated it , she hated herself , she hated the way she looked . She hated that she , in her terms , couldn't control it , that she , in her terms , couldn't control it .

As I got older , it was very , very difficult to hear those things , but when I was young , I just thought that this was the mom experience . You know , all moms hate how they look and God forbid that I should ever be a size 12 , because that is the end of the world . So when I got to size 10 , I was like , oh shit , double digits .

You know it's next , it's 12 . You got to get it under control and I have no idea how old I was when I hit size 10 . I just knew that that was bad . That was bad . That was the gateway to the end of your life , essentially . And then COVID came and I happily ate myself silly and I got to size 12 .

And I couldn't believe how horrible of a person I was , and I definitely got to a size 14 , but I wouldn't allow myself to do that , so I never wore the appropriate size clothing . I've always been someone who has ebbed and flowed with their weight . I think a lot of us are .

But weight is a huge thing in the dancer world and in the theater world and I've always , always been aware of my size and that I was typically curvier than all of the other women in the dressing room . I've always been one of the larger sizes in the dressing room . I've always been one of the larger sizes in the dressing room and it's taken its toll .

It's taken its toll . By the way , the average size , the average United States female , is a size 16 right now and this is all just really , really messed me up . And this is all just really really messed me up . Now that I'm a little bit older and I understand myself more and I understand my mom more , I'm kind of over it , like I don't .

I wish it would have been different , but it wasn't different . It was what it was and it is what it is . So I know that , like at this one store , I'm a four to six because of vanity sizing and I know , at a different store I'm an eight , but I'm mostly a 10 .

Hell , yes , I'm mostly a 10 , like everywhere else , and I don't think cyber , I don't think dudes have to deal with this , right , like guys are . My waist size is a 34 , so I'm a 34 . It is not like that for women , anyway 34 . So I'm a 34 . It is not like that for women .

Anyway , I just lost some weight and I'm happy about it because I I worked to make it happen . I , when COVID hit , paul and I happily ate . It was wonderful , I do not regret it . We ate and drank our way through COVID , and it was lovely . It was wonderful , I do not regret it . We ate and drank our way through COVID , and it was lovely .

It was lovely , actually , and to not have to worry about being on stage or being seen in public that much it was great . But now it's not COVID anymore and now I want to do things like being on stage again and speaking again , and I just I haven't loved the way that I have looked .

It hasn't necessarily been so much about the size or about the pounds , but just I haven't loved the way that I looked , and so my goal was to get into some of my clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a while .

But during this whole process , this actively slimming down , I realized that I have been dieting my entire damn life , which is so sad to me and I'm just so tired of it . And it all started in those dressing rooms when I was a kid and my mom did the best that she could with the information that she had at the time .

But now we have new information and we know what happens with our words . We know that children will listen Into the woods , reference anyone , but we know that kids are listening to us all the time . Even if it seems like they're not , they pick up on what we're saying . My mom said things to me like Sorry , you're built like me and not like your dad .

Sorry , you inherited my genes and not your dad's genes . Ugh , look at my thunder thighs . You know she would say that after she told me that I was built like her and not like my dad . So if she's got the thunder thighs , I've got them . She's told me you're not built like the other girls , which I think was meant to be comforting , but it wasn't

. And when she got to size 12 and had a breakdown in the dressing room , I knew then and there , I can never get to size 12 , because that means you're gonna have a breakdown in the dressing room , that means you're not lovable anymore . And even though I know that that's not true now , there were many , many years where I did think that it was true .

So , mamas and daddies , if you've got kids , especially if you've got younger kids , I beg of you , honor your body and love it the way that it is . Speak positively about your body in public and with your kids .

And if you're unable to really feel good about your body right now , like that's okay , I understand that , but don't say anything negative about it in front of your family . Don't say anything negative in front of your impressionable young kids , because that will mess mess them up .

Paul and I were talking the other day about how our parents describe people by their weight , or they talk about how much so-and-so weighs . Oh yeah , you know Bob , he's the really , really big guy who can't move without a wheelchair . Or have you seen Bobette lately ? Wow , she's really let herself go .

I don't know if that's a generational thing or what , but stop Stop doing that . There's so much . Your improvement plan includes losing weight . Awesome , good for you . But please be careful about the way you talk about it in front of other people .