¶ 00:00 Introduction
There has been an ongoing debate on whether or not narcissists know their behaviors are totally unacceptable. Different people say different things, but I say they very well know their behavior is bad, but they do not care about it because it doesn't impact them. It's not my opinion or how I feel, but a fact that I have verified, by having a lot of interactions with multiple narcissists.
Today, I am going to talk about those interactions and I'm going to prove to you why narcissists know their behavior is totally unacceptable. Stay until the very end. Hi, I am Danish, a narcissistic abuse recovery professional. Welcome to my channel. Before we get started, I have a free resource for you, a guide that answers your questions. the top 10 questions asked by every single survivor of narcissistic abuse out there.
If you want to get instant access and download it right now, click the I button above or the link in the description of this episode. Number one, their public persona does not match their private persona. When in public, they're a saint, but when at home, they're a monster. When out there dealing with people, oh, they'll be kind, charismatic, open, giving, offering, understanding, they'll listen to you, they'll pay attention, they will help strangers.
But when with you, they will deny all the allegations, they will not take responsibility for their actions, they will intentionally cause harm, they'll abandon and neglect you. You will get to see a totally different side to them. It's like you're dealing with two people. I say it's not just two people. It's like multiple personalities living within the same body. Take my mother, for example, who is a covert narcissist.
When she's in public, oh she's laughing, she's kind, she's helpful, she's offering advice, she's telling people what to do with their lives. But the minute she enters her home, her face drops. She totally changes her demeanor and turns into this victim personality type who sees her family, or used to see back then her family, as a big burden she did not want to deal with. On the other hand, my father, who was an overt narcissist, would act in devious ways.
He would turn into a monster when at home, and he would be filled with nothing but rage all the time. As children, we had to walk on eggshells around him. But the same person would turn into this charismatic guy, this kind person, who would offer advice to strangers. And people would say, Oh, you are so lucky to have a father like that. Oh, you are so lucky to have a mother like that. Look at her, how much she has sacrificed. Look at your father, how much he's doing. He's so hardworking.
What's wrong with you? Why are you not pleasing them properly? You're obliged to make them happy. It's your fault, not theirs. The fact that they behave differently in different settings tells us they know what is and what is not acceptable. How come they can choose to be nice and non abusive when in public, helpful when others are watching, but when nobody's watching, when there is no audience, they show you their true self. It's only possible if they have some kind of awareness.
Some idea that I cannot say or do certain things because doing or saying them would trigger negative feedback. Or people would perceive me in a negative way. But when those eyes are not watching and they know as a wife, as a partner, as a husband, or as their child you would never leave them, they resort to their original ways of thinking. of functioning which you and I know are purely dysfunctional. Number two, they temporarily change their behaviors when they know you know.
I would say they change their colors, they put on a different mask. Why would they do it if they did not know what they're doing? Let's take an example of somebody who has schizophrenia or psychosis. They do not have schizophrenia here and there. It's not a choice for them. If you have psychosis, you have psychosis all the time or any other mental health issue. But how can they change? How can they switch their personalities? How can they put on a mask? That suits the situation.
Of course, they know if they were to Continuously abuse you and if they were to make you hit your tolerance level You are going to abandon them, which is not what they want So they act nicely which is something they can do They they can show that kind of behavior most of the time You But that doesn't benefit them and they do not want you to get benefited. They do not want to create ease for you. They only want chaos.
From recent interaction with the narcissist, I got to understand that these people are terrified of being their true self because their true self is extremely negative, rage filled, and it has nothing to offer. That person told me, well, I have to change myself. I have to be what that person wants me to be because I know my true self will not be accepted. So, I give them doses of what I can be so that they hold on to the hope and they try to restore it.
And when I know they are deep in the relationship, I resort to being that true self because I know they won't leave me or it won't be easy for them to see through me. Proof number three. If you treat them the same way they treat you, they see it as an insult or as a threat. major injustice. The rules do not apply to them.
They can insult you, they can put you down, they can treat you horribly, they can abuse you, abandon you, neglect you, because in their head they have justified it to themselves that you deserve it. That you are wrong, therefore you must be punished. But if you try to give them a taste of their own medicine, oh my goodness, they are going to lose it. It's like they're shocked when you talk to them the same way. When you insult their family or when you point out their flaws. They can't accept it.
That's when they try to grill you. That's when they punish you harder. How dare you? How could you speak to me that way? Why did you use that word? But what about you using it all the time? No, they do not think about it. They do not care about it. That's what tells us, that tells us they know it's unacceptable. They do not want to be treated the same way, which means the way they are treating you, they know is not okay.
Now you may ask, if they know it's not okay, why do they and how do they keep treating people the same way? Through self guess lighting. They justify things to themselves, they compartmentalize things and minimize abuse to make it seem like it's okay and acceptable. Proof number four, and the last one. After hurting you, they have a smirk on their face as if they're enjoying that experience. You may have seen it, and that tells us they know what they're doing.
I've seen it so many times on the faces of almost all narcissists that I have ever met. dealt with. Deep down, they know what that comment was meant to make you feel. They know what withholding affection is doing to you. They know how silent treatment is strangulating you. They know what will happen to your brain if they were to stonewall you. And they love doing it to you because they have zero empathy. I don't say they have lack of empathy. No, they do not care. They do not give a damn.
And they love punishing you because they want justice. They're crazy about justice. What kind of justice? Where the narcissist is always avenged. They win. They because they're superior and you get punished. You experience all the pain. Why? Well, you gave them a pain. They did not deserve to experience at all. That smirk says it all. Let me know what your thoughts are on this in the comments below. So with that, let's bring this episode to an end. Thank you so much for listening.
I will talk to you on the next one. Until then, as always, let the healing begin and continue.