We'd like to acknowledge that traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast was produced the Gadigle people of the Orination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present. This episode contains discussions of mental ill health and suicide. If this raises any issues for you, support is available through the links and phone numbers in the show notes.
It's nineteen ninety six and we're in Coff's Harbor with Detective Alan Sparks. He's on duty with his colleague Gavin when they get a call. A young boy has been washed into a storm water drain after days of torrential downpour. There's more rain on the way. They have to act quickly. Alan jumps in and follows the child's screams through the maze of the drain system. After almost drowning himself, news comes through that the boy has been heard some six
hundred meters away. A grueling hour later, Alan finds the boy, pulls him into his arms and tries to calm him down. When they come out of the drain, news cameras are there to capture the moment. Shortly after the dramatic rescue, he's in the fetal position in the shower. Alan is a hero, but he doesn't feel like one. I'm Att Middleton and this is head Game today, the real cost of working on the front line, and how hope saved
Alan Sparks. Alan Sparks, Welcome to Headgame. Now you're a former detective and you're in a police force for the majority of your career. Why did you want to join the police force?
I originally wanted to be a geologist. My dad took me up to a little place called Glengarry near Lightning Ridge many years ago before I finished school, and we were open mining and I really loved gems and Ople's and Lord. But then I couldn't affordy eighty university, so it was what else can I do? And a friend of my dad's was a policeman and he spoke to me about joining the police force. And at that stage
I was a sharer. I was still only very young and only finished high school and I was jack ewing and working in the land and became a sharer, and I was tol you know, do I join the cops? Do I stay sharing? Because I was playing rugby and loving my rugby and loving working as a sharer, and they said, well, why don't you go and try it out. You don't like it, come back playing foot and keep sharing. So I said, okay. So I joined up two weeks
after I turned nineteen and so young. Yeah, yeah, And I come from a little village out in the central west of New South Wales Aunt so I sent two hundred and fifty people in the village so to come into Sydney and to go to training at Redfern and then my first station was Darlinghurst in King's Cross. So that was as I haven't for me as a young kid, and I absolutely loved it. It was just full of
excitement and new experiences. Every day it was new experiences and certainly there were things I was never exposed to previously that obviously goes with first response work. And I went in and I was a young cop on the beat at King's Cross at nineteen back in the days when there's only two of us on the beat, so
night shifts afternoon shifts were challenging at times physically. I really liked the idea of becoming detective and I started my playing clothes career at Darlinghurst and there were some absolutely brilliant detectives who worked in that area, who were great mentors, great educators, great advisors and good friends. And
I loved working there. And then some years later another detective came there who was quite notorist in Australia, and one night here and I didn't see eye to I, so he shafted me and I did a side went to the Detective's course where I became a lecturer in the Detective's course where I met my now wife. But also there was another member of that class who featured significantly in my life later on, Pete Addison. Pete was murdered at Crescent Head some years later, and Pete was
an absolutely wonderful man. And so after the Detection's Course, I barred out for a while and then went back to the cops and then went to South Region Breaking Squad, which was an area where we specialized in targeting organized crime pretty much sort of the heavies of Sydney crime, heavies of Australian crime, the gangsters, and that was an
amazing squad to work in. I really loved that, and then I wanted to get into some real estate and deb and I'd start a relationship by this stage and Sydney. I just couldn't afford it, so there's a vacacy came up with Coffs Harbor. So I spoke to Dev and said, look, I'd like to go up there, maybe get start in
real estate, maybe come back. So Deb she was then working at the surveillance unit, which is like an undercover unit, and she also transferred up about it a year after I started there, and yes, stayed there until I unfortunately become a very unwell and lost my career and the rest is history. As they say, you get.
A call back in nineteen ninety six, take me back to that call where you've got a call out for a young boy that got washed into a storm water drain.
I remember that day so clearly. And I was working with a guy called Gavin Dengate and Gave was my workmatee at COFs Harbor, and we were investigating the theft of some jury from a lady who was in a nursing home. That's all she had left from her marriage. My husband passed and her jurry had been stolen. So we had executed a search warrant and we recovered the jury and we arrested the person who stole it. And I remember that morning we went the nursing home and
afterward photographed and log the jewelry. We gave it back to this old lady and she was just in tears. She never expected to see it again. And that is a cop you know sometimes where you go, I've actually done some really good today, and Gavin, I it wasn't a major crime, but it meant the world of this woman, and what we were able to achieve meant the world for it. And I'm quite sure that she would have been at peace for the rest of her life because she got a jury.
It's amazing that you remember that crime like that, but the effect that it has on someone and the result that you give them.
That's right.
Wow.
Yeah, So and that's part of our job is to make a difference in people's lives. So then we went back to the station. We're just having a cup of tea, and I remember we were standing in the mill room near the sink, and when the police issue are like an urgent job, you get two distinct beeps over the radio, and then it said any car in the vicinity of whatever street it was. We swept into a storm water pipe and normally that's a job that uniform would attend,
not detectives. It's not a storm or a drain, which is a large thing you can actually walk into. This is a narrow pipe. So I remember Gave and I we just looked at each other and just threw our cups in the sink, raced downstairs, jumped in the car, took off up to this street and we got there and we'd had five days of absolutely torrential rainfall at Cops Harbor, so everything was flooded. And we got to
the scene. There were two little boys. They were saturated, and there was a workman there, an adult male, and we said to the kids, what's happened. They said, oh, gians, giants disappeared. I said, where's he disappeared? Mate, and they pointed to this whirlpool and I've gone, oh shit.
Were they playing in the whirlpool?
Yeah, they've been playing on their boogie boards in the flooded creek. And the whole thing was flooded and this whirlpool was massive, was just swirling around and I thought, great, what are we going to do? And the workman said, look, you can actually get access to look down the drain across the road. So we ran across the road and.
It's just two of you.
Yeah, So we lifted up the concrete covers. We took our guns and handcuffs off. Three those in the car jumped into the into the drain, and we looked down. We could see what we thought was a little boy's body down the pipe. And I think the workman he gave us a rope, gave wanted to go down, and I said to gave look, I'll go down. I'll grab him. I'll give you three tugets and I've got him. Pulled me back. So I started to go down and I realized this rope is going to snap and then I'm
down there. So I tugged on the rope gave pulled me back up to the surface. And I'd only gone down a few meters and by that stage the State Emergency Service were there, other cops are there, and I say this a lot of I thank god the professionals here, they'll take over. And they just gave me a bigger rope and put me back.
So then I went anyway, continue, Yeah.
And then I still remember like I'm not a small man. I think at that stage I was probably punching one hundred plus kilos. I'm six' two and this water literally just carried me down like a. LEAF i. WAS i was weightless the power of this.
Water SO i fat done that to. You were you, thinking, wow, Yeah i've sped done to this little.
Boy. Yeah and our reasoning was if we get him, out if he's, dead well we have a chance of reviving. Him if he's, alive we've got to get him out before it rains again and he gets washed.
Away and what was going through your.
Mind i'm a very positive. PERSON i, Thought, no he's. Alive we'll get him out and we'll get, him get, him get him back. Home it'll be. Right so the focus was get to. Him AND i had a torch with, me like a, MAGLIGHT i, think and there's been. ESTIMATE i went down eighty meters down the, pipe and by the time we got to where we thought it was, him the light showed up was just like it was a branch that was giving these weird.
Shadows so what you thought was the boy was then.
Eight, yeah this is not. Good So i've tugged three times on the. Rope thank, God gavin was in the. Drain he could see what was going. On so as soon AS i tugged them the, rope they stopped the free. Flow So i've stopped and my, Bulk i've actually damned myself. In so SUDDENLY i Am i'm engulfed in, water and this water is so. Powerful and my first thought, WAS i hope the guy that tied a bowline tied a good bowline around my, waist because ALL i had was
just a rope on my. Arms so then they started to pull me back And i'm not in a good position. HERE i, Thought i'm going to die, Here i'm going to.
Drown and so you've got this this this backwash just engulfing.
You, Yeah i'm pretty much submerged under the, water being pulled backwards by all the all the ses guys that cops up on the surface point.
No proper, equipment just a rope around your.
Boy, yeah SO i remember sort of Sometimes i'd create a bit of an, arch make an air, pocket grab a quick, breath get under the, water and go back under the water. Again and then we got. Back i've got back to the, surface, Thankfully and then we were just standing, around going we have to find ways into this. Drain we've got to try and reap frog down the drain to try and find, him and then a call came over the radio to say they can hear a
child screaming down The Pacific. Highway, Mentally i'll, gone that's a long way. Away that's a seriously long way. Away and it turns out from where we were it was about as the craveflies five hundred.
Meters it's like a maze down.
There, Right, yeah there's this. PIPE i, MEAN i know it went to a certain. Direction but when we got down to the, highway The Pacific highways all blocked. Off there's people, everywhere and we jumped out of the car and got to hear the screams of a.
Child what's going through your head when you're hearing the?
Screams, confusion absolute. Confusion LIKE i thought the kid was. DEAD i thought we were looking for a body. Recovery, yeah there's no way this can be. ALIVE i thought he's trapped against a great. Somewhere he is. Dead but then to hear the, Screams, no he's actually. Live so my brain's going dead alive and he's. Alive But michael mar the. Paramedic michael was laying on his tummy with his head down into this manhole and we ran over
and the water was bubbling up on the. Manhole but the screams are coming up through the, water And i'm even more confused by this. Stage SO i. CALLED i, SAID i want a scuba. TANK i want to regulator BECAUSE i had done some scuba. DIVING i, said there are the two THINGS i. Want and somebody produced a ladder and plunked it down the manhole and there's ACTUAL tv footage Of gavin trying to squeeze his way down the camera.
Cruiser yeahound up the emergency. Services you've got everyone that's now over watching.
This and at some STAGE i don't know, when BUT i took my suit pants off And i'm there And box, assured, yeah my. Ppees, anyway So gav's we're all. There but there's these screams and these these are terrifying. SCREAMS a child screaming for their. Life it was. Terrifying so they put another rope around me and, no don't want. That gav went down straight down the. Ladder he disappeared under the. WATER i followed him down and the water is not,
clear so obviously it's. Floodwater it's, filthy it's, Muddy gav. DISAPPEARED i went down And i'm under the water trying to film my way, around and we both came up in the junction of six of these pipes which were pouring in on top of wet had torch.
On is it pitch black down?
There, no it's pitch. Black we haven't got a, Torch we've got. Nothing and we we weren't. Communicating we just just knew what we thought we had to, do and that was to search to try and find which pipe is?
Up followed the, Voice, yeah, Yeah.
And we searched a couple of pipes each and then WHEN i went, UP i thought it's this. One i've got to take a. PUNT i think it's this, one because we were conscious if it rains, again we're all. Dead because downpour we're. Dead we're not going to get out and you're. Done SO i said To, gab, LOOK i think it's this. One can you try and find it a way into this? Pipe SO i regret that decision in, hindsight but why do you. Go gav should have been there with me to rejoice in the success
we eventually. Had gav deserved to be there for that moment in. Life And i've always regretted THAT i Asked gav to leave the drain. System and why did you make that?
Decision what was going for your? Head was it his safety or?
No to try and get to this kid as quickly as we. Could IF i couldn't get to, him maybe up some other. Way unbeknownst to, us the council was bringing down a back. Hoe they were going to dig up the highway to try and find this. Kid that's how desperate it. Was and So gave went, up and Then Michael, marlin, paramedic came down and he gave me a turt AND i think he INSISTED i put a rope around my. Tummy but this Time i'm on my fingernails and, toenails crawling up this pipe to try and
get to WHERE i think the kid. Is and again these screams are just doing my head And i'm crawling, up literally crawling in amongst the concrete and the crap that's in a concrete, pipe and it's it's shoulder with the. PART i was watching your show the other, night but they did the exercise being in the water. Pipe, Wow, OKAY i know that's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway So i'm crawling up the. Pipe Michael maer is behind, me screaming at. Me if you got him, Out i've got.
Him have you got? Him how long have you been down?
There, ah you're, cold your, Well.
I'm, freezing, Miserable we're, freezing and All i'm gonna hear is this kid, Screaming michael. Screaming So i'm screaming At, michael, like shut their. Up i'm trying to call the. Kid it's, okay, Mate i'm, Coming i'm, Coming i'm. Coming could he hear your?
Voice was he?
Responding, no he was just he'd lost. It he was, hysterical he, was no, doubt. Hypothermic he'd been in there for forty five, minutes hanging on for dear, life because he's just hanging on to a log that's stammed across the. Pipe if that log wasn't, there he was dead because he would have got washed down to a great there was no way he would have. Survived so he's been hanging on there in the pitch dark with his water just powering onto his, body screaming and screaming for his,
life and, suddenly no doubt he can see. Torchlight BUT i don't know whether he understands what it. Is AND i really. WASN'T i wasn't thinking about does he? Know does he? Know i'm just trying to get to. Him i'm absolutely, desperate AND i started to, pray, like, Please, god let me get to, Him please don't let him get washed. Away AND i kept crawling and, crawling, crawling AND i can picture it to this absolute moment in.
Time my torchlight finally picked up his. Face that's ALL i can see was just his face and the illumination of the tour hitting his. Face it was LIKE i saw a ghost and it is so vivid in my. Memory AND i coaxed him to come towards me BECAUSE i, Thought i'm not going to get to.
Him how far were you away from him when you?
Swim oh and probably ten meters AND i was about thirty meters up the, yeah at the.
Water.
Yeah So i'd crawl thirty meters on my guts to get to. Him and then he. Did he got washed down to me And i've got hold of, him AND i was, like Oh, God i've got. Him and out of the, BLUE i just, said say thank You. God And i'm not a religious, person And i'm a very spiritual, person BUT i, said you say thank You, god and this little boy he just, said, oh thank You. God he started to bail his eyes, out AND i. DID i started to bore my eyes.
Out so you have this moment where you've got him in your, arms he's gripping youws he is he calming down or is he just?
Still he had basically just collapsed with, exhaustion with, emotion with a sense of HIS i feel so now this man's got. ME i feel. Safe and THEN i somehow pushed him under me and then he got washed down To Michael, marr the. Paramedic michael's got, him assessed. Him Then michael swam him under the, water got to where the manhole. Was michael climbed up the ladder then and THE tv foot cameras rolling and they reached down and they pulled this little kid out out of the drain
and he just comes up like a drowned. Rat and they put him on the ambulance skur and he wrapped him up an emergency. Blanket his mom's, There she's been there through the whole. Thing she was hearing her child screaming for their. Life they wrap him up in the. Blanket Her mum's just hugging him and hugging. Him AND i get out of the. PIPE i go to the car And i'm sitting in the passenger seat of this, car AND i was. COLD i remember being really.
Cold how only have you been down there? For AND i don't know how long had he been down there?
For at least forty five, minutes at least for five. Minutes and halfway down the pipe he saw some light and he reached up and he grabbed hold of a grate in the side of the. Road because his vision, impaired his glasses went flying as soon as he got sucked off the. Boogeyboard, evidently he tells me that he could see shapes and he just started to scream and screen for, help and then the water just washed him away another three hundred, meters so it's been washed six
hundred meters down the. Pipe. Wow and Then i'm in the car and Just i'm, Like i'm in. SHOCK i remember going back to the police. Station. Dad my, wife she was a cop. There she's in her. Office she isn't doing she's in a chop protection. Unit so she's in the in her office and they had for some, REASON i had the radio turned, down so she didn't know anything was going. On and she saw the car pull up and she looked. Out she Saw gavin get out in his pants and shirt, saturated holding his gun on.
Handcuffs she's, going, oh it's. Strange then she saw me get out in my box of shorts holding my. Handcuffs what the hell is going had a lot of blood in my back and other. Stuff i've just, gone, yeah from a look like cutting myself on the concrete pipe because it was so narrow and trying to get it squeezed myself. Around SO i went into the crime, scene And i've just jumped straight in the shower just to
wash all. THIS i felt, filthy and deb found. ME i just just curled up on the ball in the bottom of the, shower, assessed just sobbing my.
Heart straight after the. Incident yeah it's affected you straight.
Away, Yeah i've had a serious a serious how do you? Say looking at it, SCIENTIFICALLY i THINK i went from being a sympathetic nervous state into a massive power. Sympathetic i'm, Safe i'm, Warm i'm, okay and like my body has just shut.
Down what you're thinking when you're in that state.
At this, STAGE i don't remember thinking. ANYTHING i Remember deb consoling, me but she didn't know what in the hell had. Happened she had no idea what. Happened she's just there hugging. Me and THEN i got myself, together went, home had a proper, shower got, changed went back to, work and then the reporters are up there Asking gavin AND i questions and interviewing. Us and then we went had lunch.
And this is all over the. News, yeah it's.
Everywhere yeah it's national.
News i've got to step out the. Door you're being. Harassed you keep.
No there was more of the because they were all all local reporters who we. Knew it was just. Coffs hard was not a big, place and they just wanted to come up and talk to me and all that sort of. Stuff and then we went out for, lunch and THEN i worked that afternoon and then we went to the pub and absolutely smashed that. Night then the next DAY i had to go down to the Police academy to start the Homicide investigator's, course AND i remember for that first for that WEEK i was, AWAY i didn't.
Sleep every TIME i closed my, EYES i, screamed kid and.
The kid's face, right, yeah about the torch and seeing his. Face, yeah do you still see his?
FACE i, Do, Yeah but that's a good. Thing, Yeah i'm really good with. That but by this, stage And i'd already i'd already started to develop post trauma like symptoms from the incident At Crescent head where my colleagues were. Murdered that was the most was that that was In july ninety five and the rescue Was may ninety. Six SO i had already started to develop post trauma like symptoms AND i was chronically stressed by the time the rescue happened AND i realized now was the nail in
the coffin pretty much. Mate, Yeah and after that things all turned. SOUTH i did develop full MOON ptsd and depression and suicidal. Ideation and on the sixth Of october ninety, six that was the DAY i decided in my life AND i went to. Work i'd kissed dead, goodbye kissed my little lord, goodbye and went to work and went towards a basroom to end my. Life and a colleague walked in And i've done a mental. CALCULATION i THINK i was eight seconds away from ending my life before the guy walked.
In and this is all from the knock on effects of your, job, right.
Well it. Is but WHAT i, realized And i've done a lot of work in the mental health sector for many. Years i've been A deputy commission The Mental Health. COMMISSION i currently work with a. Psychologist we run a great training, program AND i work with the cops on training program for the. Cops it's understanding that when you become burned out or chronically, stressed as you know from the, military you then become vulnerable to significantly traumatic events or potentially traumatic.
Events it's when you're burned out that you are the most vulnerable and if something does, happen by then you really you haven't got anything left to be resilient. With you're, cooked and these significantly traumatic events they can smash, you and they. Did they smashed.
Me but when did you? Realize when did you realize that you had a serious? Problem was it that day that you wanted to take your? Life or was there a moment where you for which is IF i need, HELP i need to and your help was to end your. Life and going back to that, moment you say someone walked in on. You how did they stop? You how close you say you? Were eight seconds? Away THERE'S.
I was going to the door into our. Office across the, corridor which is a meter and a half across the corridor is a door to the. BATHROOM i was at the door to the office when a colleague walked in like almost, me looked at me ON u, okay AND i said, No i'm. NOT i use an, EXPLETIVE i, said, No i'm. NOT i realized THAT i was mentally. Unwell but because back then and still to this, day the stigma of declaring you mentally, UNWELL i knew IF i had, declared my career would be. Over AND i was terrified
of losing my. Career like with respect to you and YOUR collexamt the, military it's your, life it's your sense of purpose you're Worth.
Yeah it's your. Identity purpose is who you.
Are so to lose that is. Terrifying which compounds the mental ill health you're. Experiencing you develop a fear which there's a term for, it YOUR hpa. Axis it's the way your body controls your. Stress SO i realized that MY hpa axis had been completely become, dysfunctional AND i was so slip. DEPRIVED i was using alcohol as the forms of. MEDICATION i was eating terrible, FOOD i was smoking like a. CHIMNEY i was doing everything, wrong but not knowing that the THINGS i was doing wrong we're
having such a knock on. Effect So i'm trying to mask.
Everything, yeah numb the, Pain numb everything that's going on inside of. You and this is ninety ninety.
Six ninety, six, yeah, Yeah.
Like you said back then though that it was, like you, know shut up and put, up and, yeah you man up and get grippy yourself and crack.
On AND i realized now that that prior to, that policemen did take their own, lives AND i think part of the reason for that was the stigma of being mentally, unwell losing your, career everything that goes with losing, it it just becomes, unbearable and you, do you do develop a physical pain that is indescribable and, unbearable and the pain overwhelms every part of your.
Life and you're still functioning normal even though so after that moment when you want to see your, life you just cracked on as.
Normal, no that was.
Did they give you time? Off did?
They that was the last DAY i worked as an operational police. OFFICER i then was on sick. Leave that, NIGHT i was taken to the hospital before a crisis counselor because of these Nightmares i've been. Having i've been having horrible, nightmares not about hurting, me but hurting other people very close to. Me and WHEN i disclosed this to the, Counselor she's, gone oh my, goodness we're going to have to schedule ol what type of nightmares hurting family?
Members so that's WHEN i, THOUGHT i can't risk my. FAMILY i need to protect.
THEM i, mean you're, scared you were going to action. THAT i was.
SCARED i was. TERRIFIED i was absolutely terrified that something was going to snap in me AND i wasn't prepared for.
That.
AUNT i couldn't risk my. FAMILY i don't THINK i would. EVER i KNOW i would never have done, anything BUT i wasn't prepared to risk. It so that's when that's the REASON i decided to end my. Life so that, night they wanted to schedule, me which is basically means they restrain you in a psychiatric. Hospital AND dev was with me and she, said, no, sorry you're Not you're not going to do that to my, husband Because dev knew that if they had scheduled, ME i would have
taken my. Life so she took me home on the promise that she'd bring me back the next. Day and the next DAY i went to what they called a police medical officer who's a LOCAL, gp WHO i had a sister doing Post more than, THINGS i love the. Man he played rugby For scotland And i'm a rugby. Fanatic AND i Remember i'm in there And i'm sobbing And dev's with, me and he pulls a bottle Of scotch and a packet Of Winfield, blues so he poured me a big, swatch gives me a. Fact i'm there
smoking scotching ball in eyes out. Heran the local psychiatrist who's only a one psychiatrist sent me straight up there and that was a really horrible. Experience i've got to say. Why just a shame and the, humiliation the. Guilt it was absolutely. HORRIBLE i just wanted to end it.
There so these suicidal thoughts are still.
Ongoing they are, THEN i think they're reinforcing him BECAUSE i felt so much. SHAME i just felt an over overwhelming sense of hopelessness and, worthlessness like beyond, comprehension and the psychiatrists were very. Blunt he, said i'll do you want to livety on a diet AND i, SAID i don't want to, die But i'm terrified of what's going to. HAPPEN i might hurt my. Family and he, said if you want to, Live i'll do my best to help. You but if you want to, DIE i honestly don't
know what to. Do he, said your. Call you make a decision basically right, now what you want to. Do AND i SAID i want to. Live he, said, okay let's start. That and he started to talk ABOUT, ptsd WHICH i knew nothing, about started talking about. DEPRESSION i knew something about.
DEPRESSION ptsd back then wasn't really a, thing you, know it, was, yeah you, know you suffer a little bit from mental health.
Issues AND i had no. IDEA i had no. Idea so then he put me in a drug call, meteral which is such a strong sedative you can't form any intent to hurt you or. Anyone AND i was on that for two weeks AND i just become a, zombie absolute. ZOMBIE i could do is, smoke make, coffee so then it was a case of having to agree to see the psychiatrist three days a, week which was all so the local mental health, clinic which was also the local methadone. Clinic So i'd be sitting in the waiting room with
all the local heroinautics who had arrested in. Charge how that made you feel oh so so, worthless so. WORTHLESS i was so ashamed of, it and that was really. Hard, Yeah and to leave home to go to that psychiatric afortment three times a, day it was probably the hardest Thing i've ever had to do in my. Life AND i, thought IF i don't, Go i'll never get. Better i've got to push through. It i've just got to do WHATEVER i can to get.
Better and how supportive is your? Wife is she on you twenty four to? Seven is she at your?
Side she has never left my side since pretty much the first day we've got, together and we're still. Together and she was, Phenomenal and it would have been so hard for. Her she had a really hard job young child and dead was investigating the sexu one fish abuse of. Children that was her, Job so she had a really tough. Job and she's trying to care for. Me she had no idea about mental. ILLNESS i had no worried about mental.
ILLNESS i was on these, drugs, antidepressants and the best the, psychiatrists because basically do it was explaining WHAT ptsd, was what depression, was HOW i developed, it WHY i developed, it but what was the?
Trigger why did you develop?
It Crescent head was certainly the start of, It but the start of it was WHEN i became so chronically, stressed AND i became chronically stressed through a lot of issues at. Work AND i can look back through all that now AND i. HAVE i spent years analyzing, it working with clinicians to help me understand why why DID i end up so destroyed and WHAT i can, do not only to help me never go back, there but WHAT i can do to Help cops first, responded not get to WHERE i got.
To and when you were going through, that how did the police force manage that with? You they sort of cut you?
Off, yeah, yeah, yeah that's how it, was especially back.
Then. Yeah, yeah that's WHY i, asked BECAUSE i know what, like, yeah you're on sick. Leave you, know he's no good to, us.
No get rid of. It so eighteen months, Later i've got a fank call from headquarters congratulating Made i'm, gone what are you congratulating me? For and they, said your last day of work was two weeks? Ago And i'm, gone what are you talking? ABOUT i, Said i've never applied for any discharge and they, said not our. Problem all very, best say, later.
You didn't know anything about. That not pre warns.
Nothing some public servant from headquarters rings me and tells me when last day of services was, over and do.
You come back onto the job or you just got you off the. Job and then all of a sudden you go back to work and they tell, You.
I'm no packer. WORK i was at, Home i'm going to, paint got at. Home but the wonderful thing is today and there are police officers who have been diagnosed WITH, ptsd who are under current diagnosis OF, ptsd and someone medication who are still serving full operational duties and. Go
that is absolutely. Fantastic AND i think those who have experienced mental ill health such AS ptsd or trauma related mental, illnesses if you've recovered from, it you have this amazing insight into what it's like and you know the warning, signs you know what you need to, do and so for YEARS i have been very determined about looking after my physical and psychological. HEALTH i know what we all need to do to make. Sure and the training program THAT i run for the, police and the training program
my clinical psycholog AND i run is called operational. Readiness that need to be physically and psychologically ready to do your. Job as yours are special forces military, person you know the critical importance of being operationally ready because if you're. Not if you're, not the risk exponential to, you to your, teammates to, everybody to your, mission the risk to your.
Colleagues.
Yeah, Yeah so that's that's about understanding how you become chronically stressed or burned, out what you need to do to minimize the risk of that, Developing what you can do yourself to reverse that so that you do not become exposed to traum related mental. Illnesses you can build up,
resilience AND i like to use the term. ENDURANCE i like to build you build up physical and psychological endurance to cope with, crisis because as first, responders you are continually faced with crisis one after the, other so your ability to build resilience can be. Challenged so you've got to endure the, crisis and that becomes that is because you've got to be physically and psychologically as best you can, be simple as.
Because it's crisis after crisis after. Crisis enjoy that and flipping that for, resilience, right because if you don't fit that to resilience is going to have the detrimental effect that they had on.
You deb and we were married In. Paris we spent five months riding a pushbikes Around. Europe we rode six thousand kilometers Around europe and our. Pushbikes so we came back to work In september nineteen ninety. Three we were both physically and psychologically at top of our. Games, okay so pretty much About december ninety, THREE i got involved in an investigation that was the, biggest most intense investigation of my whole police. Career and that was the starting
point of the domino. EFFECT i can see WHERE i started to go from what the mental health continue where you break your psychological health into four. Colors coming back from our, HONEYMOON i was in the green. Zone probably By may the next YEAR i was into the yellow teetering on the orange. ZONE deb had a lot of crisis with our first. Born she was critically. Unwell that didn't. Help and then there's this situation at. Work there's a lot of conflict at Work Crescent head because of all
the things that happened To Crescent. HEAD i was in the emergency action team that. Night pete was, Murdered Bob spears was. Murdered pete was a made of. Mine there were issues THAT i believe were relative To pete's murder THAT i think could have been. Avoided there was a lot of things happened post their murders that caused a lot of conflict and caused a lot of moral. Injury to,
me is the guilt that not? Guilt, no it was a fact THAT i think that there's a there's a whole story about, it and where the lack of communication was significant In pete's. Murder had they've had proper, communication and you know the operations mission you've been, on communication is absolutely, vital it is and they were calling for, assistance but of course the radio is a radio black. Spot communications were breaking. Down, Pete bob was. Murdered pete's
trying to get help for his. Mate he's broken into a house to try and get to a, telephone there's a breakdown of communication with the. Homeowner pete's gone back, outside was in the process of reloading his. GUN i think the gun can try and take the government out because they were ambushed by a gunment and the government
stalked him and shot him and killed. Him so these were issues THAT i believe the coroner needed to know, about AND i had that in my, statement but that evidence Wasn't how would you, say people didn't want that evidence to come, Out so there's a lot of conflict over. THAT a whole raft things happened which caused me to go deep into the orange, zone into the chronic stress, zone and then struggling with, that trying to do my, work trying to do this. Investigation, still it all just
caught me to be burnt, out as simple as. That but then the rescue, was as you, say the straw that broke the camel's, back trying to hang, on trying to hang. On alcohol was a major contributor to my. Downfall sleep deprivation was a major contributor all these. THINGS i realized now the physiological impact on, me HOW i broke down physically and, PSYCHOLOGICALLY i can map it absolutely map.
It and when you, left, well when you got told that your your last days were two weeks, ago what went through your?
MIND i just want to end it.
Again so you're going back into that. Spiral, Yeah.
And there was no, psychiatrist there's no, psychologists there was no one to help me accept dev just she knew that this is not good and she just hung on to.
Me so you literally grab your, box pack up your stuff.
And you never never went, back never went back except except.
So they didn't even have you. Back they. Wouldn't they didn't even bring you in to tell you. That a Phone accordion said.
From a headquarters In, Sydney i'm A Coffs. Harbor. Yeah there was no, communication, nothing just discarded, like oh here's a, crap which wasn't wasn't. Helpful but the big INVESTIGATION i started it was a fire up in a little village way west Of Coff's harbor and a hall had burnt. Down An aboriginal elder's home had burnt down beside. IT i eventually charged the hall owner with burning both buildings, down and eventually he was found. Guilty and it was
the biggest. Investigation it was phenomenal and to have that, conviction AND i went back to make sure THAT i saw that trial. Out and funny, enough the granddaughter of the of the, beautiful average and older whose home burnt, down she married the little boy who was saved in the. Drain so you were still in touch with The oh, yeah, yeah every. Day. Really we went to his wedding.
And immediately after do you build a relationship with?
Him? Yeah he struggled and clearly he DEVELOPED ptsd horrifically, wow and his life was hell for years and years after and he kept got the rest in. Charge many TIMES i used to write court references for him to try and keep him out of, jail and you, know he went to boys homes and adult. Jails and then one day he made a. Decision he said to his, Mum i'm never getting in trouble ever. Again and he never.
Has but to go to his, wedding to be back With Betty's, Allie betty and The stuart family and With jay's. Family that was a special. DAY i can.
Image and how do you how do you start or when do you start coming out of you, know because now you know your your you're, zillion your your your mindsets in a good. Place you still suffer FROM. Ptsd so when did that start to? Turn when did you start to turn the turn the tables and really come out of? It and how did you do?
THAT i think that a number of things. HAPPENED i was always searching to get my sense of worth, back AND i became very successful in new. CAREERS i became a marine, investigator became qualified as marine. Surveyor on the face OF i was. Successful but In march two thousand and, nine my girls are nine and, fourteen we went on one way tickets To. England we bought a yacht and we sailed that back To. Australia, YEAH i still remember the. Morning at this, stage we're crossing The Pacific. OCEAN i
still remember this morning as clear AS i. Remember. Ji the, moon the full moon was setting as the sun was coming, out AND i looked at the back of the, boat And i'm actually videoing it As i'm doing, it And i've Gone i'm throwing all my past behind, Me i'm throwing it. Overboard i'm just letting it.
GO i made a constant decision to do.
That, Yeah AND i look back to the bow of the boat and we're. Heading we're heading for home And i'm, gone there's my future summary ahead of? Me is my? Future, wow that's.
Phenomenal and how would you describe from your experience what IS.
Ptsd it's a, living breathing hell of an, imaginable indescribable pain and a complete sense of no, control and you're desperate for any any form of. Control your life is just spinning out of control and you can't stop.
It and what are the first steps to come out of?
It acknowledging? It acknowledgment, ye accepting that you are mentally? Unwell and how hard is that to?
Accept it's hard and brutally honest with yourself to SAY i need help in control of my mind and not in control of.
MYSELF i have completely lost control of my. Life it is for, me probably one of the hardest. Things AND i didn't KNOW i had ptsdwo until the psychiatrist explained THAT i had it and what the, symptoms all this sort of, stuff AND i, go that makes. Sense but AS i, SAID i struggled for years to accept why DID i become so? UNWELL i think for me that
was probably the greatest moment WHEN i got. Okay NOW i can accept it because when you can accept something and you understand, it then you can become at peace with. It And i'm very content with my. PAST i completely accept my, past AND i say that gives me great confidence for the future Because i've my past is my. Past it's.
Okay and now that you're in charge and you're in, control what do you do? Now what's next for? You just to do these, programs to really try and get the message out, there the word out, there because the more needs to be. Done let's be. Honest of course it don't, loads of.
Course it, does and it's for. Me it's the start and one Day i'll pass the bat. Nover i'm still playing my. RUGBY i still love my. RUGBY i trained with indigenous guys At redfern three mornings a week with boxing. There it's a beautiful social. PROGRAM i have an amazing relationship with the police and The Police. Association i'm so proud of WHAT i do and.
You can see.
That, Yeah i'm passionate about. It my Colleague dave is passionate about. It he has been amazing and the work he does in his clinical clinical. Practice he helps a lot of men in particular who are very damaged and he's he's making huge changes to their life and those men and, women not only military but first responders who they deserve to be cared for because of the sacrifices they've. Made we owe it to them big.
Time. Mate thank you so, much it's been such an interesting. Conversation, Alan your jen keep, inspiring keep getting the good message out. There thank you so.
Much thanks the. Opportunity, yeah thank, you very. Grateful thank.
You alan's best selling book is Called The cost Of. BRAVERY i link the details in the show. Notes thank you so much for joining me On. Headgame if you enjoyed this, episode make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss any of our incredible, stories and leave me a review wherever you're. Listening I'm Matt. Middleton catch you again next. Time