This episode of Headgame was recorded on gadigal Land.
It's October twenty first, twenty twelve. Heston Russell leads his team through combat operations in Afghanistan. It's his third deployment with the Special Forces, but his first as the commander of the November Platoon. He has more than fifty successful missions under his belt. Despite precise planning and carefully sequence maneuvers, one of the soldiers under Heston's command dies during an operation.
Twenty four year old Corporal Scott Smith is killed instantly when an ID explodes during a mission to target insurgeons in Afghanistan's Uazgan Province. For Heston, Corporal Smith is the first and would be the only soldier lost under his command, but it's a scar that would remain well into the future. I'm at Middleton and this is Headgame today, fifth Generation Defense Forces veteran Heston Russell on his sixteen years in the Australian Army and the battle that's followed him from
the front line. Now, Heston, I'm going to rattle through quickly. Hesson, you spent sixteen years in the military, joining at the age of seventeen, going on to complete more than one hundred combat missions. Your dad served twenty years in the Army. Your grandfather, your mom's dad, fought in Career and Vietnam Wars. Your great grandfather also served during World War II, and his great great grandfather fought on the Western Front during World War One. Being gassed twice during the previous two
years of combat in France. You deployed four times to Afghanistan and the Middle East. Served in Iraq as the Special Operations Joint Planner within the Special Operations Joint Task Force. You've done multiple counter terrorist operations within Australia and the Asia Pacific region, a year long exchange within the United States Special Operations Command. Wow, I thought that I had a versatile career in the military. You, my man, absolutely
blow me out the water. It seems like that you were engulfed as a youngster with this sort of military family, this military environment, military order. What was it like growing up and when did you realize that you were encapsulated by military heroes that you know that was bred into your family.
Oh and first and foremost thanks having me on.
Well done a rattling all that off for one of the few people who would probably know most of those acronyms and all the rest. I grew up with the military influence from my dad and living within that military family, moving around the country. But as far as my grandfather, I knew my grandfather Mum's dad as a fisherman. I didn't know about his service in Korea or in Vietnam.
He was a gentleman.
He was a ballroom dancing champion, something you know a lot about as well.
We won't mention my dancing with the stars day wheremen have go into this military mindset, now, gotcha?
And yeah, I didn't honestly truly appreciate my lineage until actually more recent years when I started doing some research myself.
My passage into the military came simply from seeing my father and his mates and those around him as those sort of aspirational men that were sure masculine and all the traits we see from men in society, but were also caring, nurturing team players, had that heart of service, putting others and the mission before themselves, and I really saw them as very aspirational values and character traits to me, especially during a time when I went through high school.
I was the fat kid at high school. I was unpopular. I was probably having he.
Sat there with veins whipping through his muscles.
Again, never again, never going back, mate.
But you know, it's a classic identity piece, and I saw the potential self actualized best version of myself in the military and wanted to at least go through that journey to see what would where it would take me.
Yeah, you say, And I think it's a massively important point where you say, you know, people think that in the military we're just you know, individuals locked away in an armory and the armory is open, and the way we go, we cause destruction everywhere we go. But the compassionate and the empathetic, the loving side of who we are to not only want to serve our friends and our country and ourselves, but to you know, but to serve the people. Yeah, you know, we are there because
we care about the people. We want what's best for the people. We want to be able to give them their their blanket of safety or freedom. You know that they sleep under whice we go and prevent terror from coming onto our shores. And there's that huge sort of compassion side to a soldier that is just sort of you know, wiped out that people you know, don't even mention, which you just mentioned, which is huge because again with myself, that was a huge part of you know, going into combat.
It's like you're there to preserve life. And I believe that no one has the god given right to take life. However, if you or someone else thinks they have the right to take a life, I will simply deny you that right by taking your life, therefore saving a life. So I always processed it in that way of preserve life, preserve life, preserve life. And when I went into combat like that, it gave me a new sense of a
new sense of soldiering. And the one that you just tapped on there, which I think is super important, is the compassionate, the loving, you know, that empathetic side that no one ever sees. And it's interesting that you mentioned that you were brought up around this environment because anyone would think from your background me having reeled off everything that you know, it got you up in the morning doing press ups, you know, do it, you know, which
would probably happened. But you know, having that sort of male sort of dominant organization or family unit where it's just hurah, you know, let's get the job done. But Ultimately it is a flip, right.
Yeah, massive. I mean, as you know, mate, being being a soldier, being an officer. So much of it is actually diplomacy, even out in Afghanistan. You know, we were fighting the enemy in and amongst the locals and the villages we went out with our partner force. So much of it was also the information operations piece. You know, you had to deter the insurgents from wanting to ever
fight you or our allies again. But you're trying to win over the locals to support you, because when we got on the ground on targets, it was a locals telling us, hey, he's not supposed to be here.
He's not supposed to be here.
And these are massive parts of the narrative that are missed in the movies, a mist in the news I missed in how much our soldier, sailors and men and women were some of the most incredible diplomats as well as having to flip the switch to be warriors to take and prevent the loss of life in order to save life and achieve the mission.
Was there a moment growing up where you just thought or you saw something. You might see some medals or whatever. It may be where you thought, this is what I want to do, I want to join the military or was it just the norm in your household and that was the normal route of progression to take to join the military. How did that come about?
Well, I think probably like a lot of veterans, mate, I had a lead scout. I had the son of one of my dad's army buddies. He was about four or five years older than me, and he ended up going to the Australian Defense Force Academy. He got direct posted to the commandos and I think at the age of fifteen, I remember walking into the recruiting office and said, I want to be a commander officer.
I want to be lucky.
Yeah.
Argent laughed at me and said, there's a few steps you got to take in between.
But that was a straight to.
The top mate, Listen, I love it.
Means to an end. Everything else in between. Yeah, that was the goal. That was what got me in and I just took me through.
And so that there's obviously the basic training you have to go through. What unit did you join, How did basic training look and was it a shock to you or was it what you expected?
I joined straight out of school.
I was seventeen, having gone to school in Queensland, and I went down to the Defense Force Academy in Camera, which is you do three years there, you study, you do a degree at the same time. Picture a UNI where you'd have your blocks of study throughout the day, but in the morning it's physical training or it's out there in the freezing temperatures doing an hour an hour
and a half a drill. Every Friday is a white glove room inspection where you sleep on your floor because you've owned your sheets to such a crisp point that you don't want to sleep on them that night with the hospital corners.
Three years mate, not good, goose goose bumps. You're bringing back there the shivers.
Still to this day, I feel rebellious if I don't make my bed. But yeah, you know, you're wearing the military.
Uniform polyesters every single day, and then when normal universities would go on holidays, you're out bush doing your basic training, doing your sleeping under hootchees and digging pits and patrolling the stuff that handheld drones do these days we had to do back then.
So it's three years and you go.
Across the hill to the Royal Military College where there's no more civilian academics. It's all military strategy and study. And I absolutely love that. And then it came out promoted.
That's where it starts to get meet to you, right, that's when the two worlds I supposed start to separate, really, you know, from society to really engulf in yourself.
Really well put yeah, yeah, absolutely into the military.
And particularly for me wanting to be an officer, that's we really got to delve into the military art of tactics. There's all the science of you know, the fundamentals of
the attack, the principles of war, all the rest. But then we would just go out constantly and drill and plan and then have to get a team and do our plans and fail and see what was like, if ever you were going to make soldiers do that, it was brilliant and as opposed to arguing over you know, philosophy or Pythagorisi's theorem or all the rest, it was about military strategy and as you know, mate, it's one
of the oldest professions in the world. And the ability to draw all that information and knowledge together to then develop your own tactics and strategy.
It was really fun. There's actually quite a creative.
Artistic side to us, which you then have to go practice physically to test your creativity.
It's not just so you.
Have to put it into into practice, into action to test the theory.
Ultimately you are absolutely and that's the fun stuff.
And you know, all of that, combined with the officer training I did throughout my career and particularly special Forces, that development of the art of tactics is something that I just loved so much from the military career and never really got to appreciate that creative piece. But promoted to the lieutenant, went up to Townsville to the second Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, a line infantry battalion, where I completed
three years. Within my first year, I was deployed to Team or Less peacekeeping operation and to this day I probably say as one of the most important milestones in my career as a twenty one year old between commander of thirty people, a seven month deployment where you're spending most of the time with your weapons slung and going out into the local tribes, into local villages doing key leadership engagements and minds. That's it, and I'd studied Indonesia
the language as a major at the academy. Straight away I was able to really engage with the locals in one of their languages and really achieve a lot as the commander. You can imagine that comes through just from a respectable level in itself.
Twenty one years old is platoon commander? Yeah, how do you feel, you know, especially going into that position as a twenty one year old, such a young officer going into such an important role. And then you've got the NCOs as well.
That are there that have been in for like sixty seventeen years and they see this, Yeah, this young spunker come in, he's twenty one years old, and you but you.
Know, you have to command respect, You have to you almost have to, you know, go in with a level of you know, authority, especially as a twenty one year old. How did that unfold? And how hard was that to settle in? As let's call it one of the lads.
No great question, mane you get it? Yeah, yeah, you are old ball, new ball and all the rest. By this stage, I was really well advised by my dad. My dad had been the military during peacetime. He joined as a soldier, then became an officer, and during his twenty years he deployed to Rifle Company Butterworth and that was it. There was nothing else on and he got out and he got back in ten years later, never
to be promoted again. And his simple words would be good at your job, and be a good person, and understand what your job is and what your role is and for me coming into any team. And this really applied later when it particularly I went into the Special Forces. You can imagine I was twenty six when I did that, and I had guys who deployed Afghanistan nine or ten times.
My job was to be an expert in planning and leadership and understanding that leadership is about actually being an impact player, knowing and understanding your people, uniting people with purpose. Is the role of a leader, not being the guy out the front constantly.
And amgation decision making and.
Group planning, group decision making like bringing in your platoon sergeant, bringing in your section commanders, harnessing that experience and corporate knowledge, giving them buy into the plan, learning from them, but then just knowing end of the day, you're the one to make the decision and you're the one responsible whether it's a good plan or a bad plan. If it's a good plan, it's all their success. If it's a bad plan, it's all your failure.
Exactly.
Guess where I'm going to share.
Yeah, and just honestly just making yourself equal and having those conversations where at the end of the day, you do have the responsibility of the authority of your rank, but no one is entitled to anything based on their authority. I mean, as you would know, mate, it's the toxic leaders and the weak leaders who default to authority. Leadership is about inspiring people, and I was very well benefited
by my physicality. I was always excellent at physical tasks and tactical task and patrolling and all the rest, and then really putting my due diligence to the planning, the communications, the orders and all the rest, and just over time, through respect and meritocracy, the guys sort of were won over and you've become part.
Of the accepted tribe.
But then, as you know, the next part is to make sure you don't transition into fully being one of the lads and maintaining.
Absolutely buffer, especially of command, that hierarchical structure. You know, there's a line to be drawn and for obvious reasons. And I love what you said about leadership is about, you know, putting yourself as an equal. It's that's super important.
At the end of the day, leadership is a service to others. And you would know this from the military.
Mate.
I've seen so many of my colleagues have gone up the ranks. There's this something happens when they flip and they think leadership is about being served, and that's when you've lost it in my opinion.
Yeah, do you know what. It's a great point and hence why you probably absolutely flourished in what you've done as a twenty one year old and then you know you progress onto the special forces. Now what's that transition like? And because like myself, I went on selection when I was twenty six as well, and I enjoyed when I
was seventy as well. I was a grunt. But it's one of those where you know, your aspirations can almost be treated as a delusion, you know, when you're so young and you they go, he's such so young and keen, and you know, did you ever face face any backlash, shall we say, or any sort of jealousy or envy being where you were, who you were, what you'd already achieved at such a young age, and then wanting not going on, but wanting to be a special Forces operator.
Yeah, well, I think I think firstly that delusion is probably a handy thing, solely focused. Remember I had a Plan A and there was no Plan B. The biggest struggle I had. You had to serve a minimum of four years in the military before being able to apply, and then when I applied, I remember turning up for the assessment day before the selection course. It was one of thirty officers and I was the youngest officer and all the others had deployed to the Middle East before.
One of them was my adjudant from when I was at the Royal Military College.
Syndrome.
The syndrome was the biggest thing I had to deal with because I just sat there and compared myself to them. I knew and I'd studied all the tabulated data of every asset and everything we need in our planning iterations for a Middle East based scenarios we'd face on the course. But these people had called in gunshots, they commanded troops in combat, and the hardest part for me was to get over that mindset of I'm too young, I'm too inexperienced, and I'm not as good as these others before we're
even up against any form of assessment. And as you know, mate, you're not being assessed against them, You're being assessed against yourself and your own performance. And it was those initial mental and mindset gateways that I had to really push through in a very rapid rate.
And how does it look special Forces selection? How long is it? And obviously I know you go too much into detail about it, but how does it look, you know, going on from as as an officer or as anyone really going on to Special Forces selection? Is it? Is it like the UK where you know you're literally separating yourself from the unit you sign yourself over. If you fail,
then you get art. You'd return to the unit if you If you pass, and you know you progress on into a squadron, which was which was what the Special Forces does in the UK. You go to a saber squadron and then and then you embed yourself there. How does it look for the Aussies?
When I went through it, I have the benefit of my last job in my career was then redesigning and running the selection course just as well coming out of Afghanistan. And I could talk to you all day about that, because I know you get that backcasting, emotional quotient development, testing all the rest. But when I did it, it was a six week process for an officer. There was an initial officer per week where the thirty of us got together in every n officer from the unit would come and just you.
And to this day, yeah, still been on one of those. I've been on one of those.
Everyone who's got a chip on their shoulder, come out and just go through a group therapy session at your expense.
Especially for officers.
Mate, those PT sessions that pictures, you know, two or three to one staff members just on you.
And I have this terrible ability.
I'm doing it now where when I'm under stressful duress, I just smile because deep down I'm happy to be there exactly.
Yeah, yea. And going back to.
Never highlight yourself in a negative way, my guys.
Used to say in combat, the wouldn't met a camouflage my teeth because it was the.
Only part that the enemy might be able to see, even at night.
But but yeah, so, particularly being the youngest and you and you, going back to what you said.
Beforehand, was that a weakness that was exploited or a perceived weakness? Oh?
Mate, I remember crawling through the mud, pushing time, flipping tires, carrying heavy things. And next thing is like, what are you twenty six years old number candidate twelve? Do you really think you have what it takes the command soldiers who've been there, killed people, done this, done that, and just planting that seeds of sabotage within your own head.
Seas of dow seas and self doubt that you grow in your head.
You know massive well, mate, and I'm sure i'd be interested to hear if the statistics are saying for you guys.
But on that, that's six weeks for me.
I started at ninety one kilos about the way I am now and went down to just over seventy five kilos. And of the one hundred and twenty we started with, thirty finished, and eighty to eighty five percent of the people who come off the course year after year come off by their own requests. They would pull out their form and they withdraw at their own requests.
Pollute withdraw VW Yeah, we call at WRT VW.
And as you don't mate, that's the most important, particularly when we're given missions that are potentially no fail there is no backup, and that process of breaking people down physically and mentally to expose the true authenticity and do you have what it takes when you're alone, when you're tired, when you're hungry, when you're under stress, to not come up with a reason in your head why you can't do it, but instead find a reason why you must
do it. And it was brilliant to be taken on that mental journey and then, like I said at the end of my career, be a part of taking people on that mental journey and giving them their reflections once you come off the course. That in itself is just an evolutionary upgrade for anyone I believe who's gone through that process, particularly people like you and I who've gone through successfully.
So when you do finally we call it getting badged. When you do finally pass selection, what does that feel like for you as a young off sub and what does it look like for you moving forward? Because that's just the tip of the iceberg. You go there and all of a sudden you are thrust off into multiple operations in multiple countries. It's like, but that moment, just that moment of you being badged or passing selection, how did that feel? And what unit did you go to and what happened thereafter?
Yeah, so I went to the second Commander Regiment. So it's bet And as you know, mate, that beret is so covered and it goes back to World War II, and there's so much history and honor that comes with that, and the official beret presenting ceremony is very ceremonial and very detailed for that reason. But as you said, it's just the start of the journey, and you would know
better than others. There's the whole being qualified. All the qualifications and skills we got on all the courses is like the academics and university, but then there's a lived experience and application of those skills in real life.
That is the true education component.
So while you're skilled and drilled on paper, after the requirements to being a Beret qualified commando, the journey just begins. And for me, it was a baptism of five where I was assigned to November Platoon, a platoon with an Alpha Company two Komando Regiment. They had just got back from Afghanistan. I was the youngest as a platoon commander.
Here's the kicker, mate.
During that deployment in twenty ten, on insertion to a target, one of the Blackhawks carrying an element of novembertoon crashed, hit low, hit a feature up from the ground and three people were killed. Straight away, Ben Chuck, Tim Applan and Scottie Palmer and the others on the helicopter sustained pretty incredible injuries, as you could imagine. They come back, they go through their de compression period.
Next thing, I'm.
Brought in as a new platoon commander. The platoon sergeant need to be replaced. He was injured on that flight as well. So my first job is forming, norming and storming a battle hardened platoon that's also just lost three of their best warriors during that recent deployment. And again, mate, it was defaulting back to the team more piece. It's
just hey, what's my job? Get into it. And we had to then take over the domestic counterterrorism role that we'd run out at Holsworthy here and straight away we're into an exercise that's the handover takeover exercise that the Minister has to come and sign you off, and you're shooting, moving, communicating, flying all around the country, presenting orders, doing all the rest. So I was actually really enabled by just being putting straight into a job that was too much straight in.
There wasn't enough time to sit around and have cups of coffee unless it was first thing in the morning before the mission, and it was just all actions and words in orders and planning and all the rest, and straight away through just competence and being a good person at the same time, was able to win them over through the high tempo that is the nature of our operations, but it also could have very easily been the prime exposure for as you know, you can't bluff your way
through that shit, and especially and especially with the first response from the lines then you're going into is just looking for weakness and looking for blood.
That was probably one of the hardest.
Times for me, just as far as being aware of all that I'm very empathetic and aware of all this that's going on, and then just being able to bring your mindset down to the five, ten and fifteen minute targets in front of you and not worry about the whole swirling emotional situation around you.
I love that, mate, and that's why, you know, it's so important that I asked that question because I know it. I know that one you.
Know who, they're not going to help you out climbing that road Maine.
But you know what what you said about being thrust into the into work and you know having you know, there's no time to think about things. There's no R and R, there's no you know. It's the same with myself. I passed selection and within two weeks I was in the Middle East on pre deployment training and within four
weeks I was point man within a saber squadron. So I understand the importance of you know, you being thrust into that because you can almost you almost own your stripes, you know straight away, don't you, rather than having to sit back and lay back and go, oh, do you do your funds in the office and go shit, you know what am I going to do now?
And as you do, mate, That's what I just love so much about that whole Special Forces community and the whole job, particularly now in everyday life, where there is no room to hide, there's no room for inauthenticity, there's
no room for you know this lollibag of words. It really came down to what you did and how you treated people, and as you've experienced out there for real with life and death scenarios, like what other job are you able to feel out each other and form a culture where you know you can't hide behind a computer and emails. You're out there planning, implementing the plans, taking the fight to the enemy, receiving the fight from the enemy,
and being exposed. And I think also for me, it was just amazing to see how professional that selection and training process was to be able to then, as you said, default to your.
Level of training.
I love that people say, you know, in crisis, you know you rise to the occasion defaulty level of training and experience. And the beast that trained us and put us out same same between Australia, the UK and the US and all the rest is just so professional and what it does, and it helps you to appreciate why you went through all of that ship Yeah, to be where you're at and then be tested, Yeah, because you.
Question it sometimes why am I going through this? And it all makes sense when and when things are harder, when things are you know, out of your control, where you have to adapt, you have to improvite, you have to overcome, you have to use each other. We sort of operated and functioned through the Golden Days, you know when you know it's like training on the on the football, which you trained because you want to want to perform
in the cup final, you know, you want to. We were like, right, this is what I've trained, this is what the government spent millions on us for. This is what we need to do. And I do call it the Golden Days because you know, Afghanistan was kinetic. You know, you joined the military, you joined the Special Forces, knowing that you're going to do back to back tours in the Middle East. You're going to you know, that's that's where you're going to live the majority of your life.
And then you're going to go on rotation. You're going to go and cross train with the Aussies, the Americans, the Kiwis. You know, but you knew that you'd be constantly busy. When was your first tour of Afghanistan with in the Special Forces, with a body of individuals under your command.
Yeah, so twenty twelve was my.
Platoon kinetic operation as a part of the Special Operations Task Group. My first deployment, I took our first female Prime minister over there on a PSDAL security office. That was fascinating, good to see some of the insights. But the first proper kinetic operation. We were really professional the way in which we rotated in and out as well.
I actually did a pre deployment where I went and embedded with the company and platoon that was over there for two weeks and did some missions, came back and helped run our mission rehearsal exercises, and then we deployed and deployed for five months in.
So you've got that crossover.
So it's the latest TTP.
You can imagine everything from the technology that we're in plowing from the assets in the sky through to By that stage, we were partnering with the Drug Enforcement Administration, the DEA guys from the US to go into Helman and blow up opium labs and track the money that was funding terrors.
Yeah yeah, yeah. Who's the Golden.
Where they're big with a big silver you know the pits and the silver trades where they used to do the cook all.
There, and they had these giant presses and just the different even the because unfortunately being Australian. We never had any of our own aircraft of helicopters there. So just even going over there and learning who were the battlespace owners, who owned the assets, who you had to take a cartn of red bulls to if you need an extra patch that yeah, yeah, yeah, and you and I laughed.
But literally of a quiet military assets through Australian Fresh cream milk and red bulls and Fanta for the local partner force.
But yeah.
July twenty twelve deployed based in Tarran count and immediately commenced two lines of operation. One was sort of counter leadership and insurgents within Uruzgan and Candor and then the counter drugs working with the DEA guys into Helmond. And
during that five months sixty seven missions. I don't like it as a measurement, but we killed one hundred and seventeen sergeants, captured so many more, and I lost one of my best soldiers, Corporal Scott Smith, who was killed by an ID on the twenty first of October.
Do you remember that day? And can you recall that day massively?
It was so we had been sent to conduct a three day clearance partnered with the United States Marine Corps. They were the battlefield commander of that area of Keshmesh Khan up near the Kajaki Fan and they wanted to do a clearance and we partnered with a troop of tanks. Michel Toombe partnered with a troop of m one Abrams tanks from the US Marine Corps and we did a
three day rather conventional clearance from west to east. And it was on the morning of the second day where I push one of my teams up into this building that was firing on our company headquarters. There's correz system, so giant wells cut into the ground that's got the waterway underneath. You'd have insurgents going through those waterways popping up with RPG shooting at the tanks. We're uncovering massive cases of rockets, mortars.
Weapons and all the rest.
Yeah, And the biggest one was because we had the tanks, they just set out put these IEDs everywhere, and I remember we'd literally start jumping on the tanks to travel even fifty meters between two compounds, and he'd just be popping as his loads are going off underneath you.
It was pretty incredible.
On that second morning pushed my team up to clear this compound, so big mud bricked wall compound where insurgents were firing at our company headquarter element. They cleared that compound but immediately found hundreds of components that would be made used to make IEDs. And Scott was the special
operations engineer attached to that team. I had a team a section attached to my platoon and he immediately identified there were issues and he pushed his point man back while he went and cleared this doorway and there was a zero metal content pressure plate that immediately detonated and killed him and blew him over about three hundred meters worth of worth of span from you know, a limb
through to a five cent piece of him. And as you would know mate straight away, that giant plume of dust and smoke was a giant signal for every insurgent in the region and then come and try and drive their advantage. And it's still one of the most inspiring days to me and I love reflecting on it, for it was terrible, but it was so tremendous in what it taught me about, like that true human spirit. In Australia, we talked about the ANZAC spirit where my guy straight away?
You know, we were I remember looking around and the guys were up.
So where were you at this stage?
I was about four hundred meters back. And then I had the call that there'd been an AD strike and they read out his call sign was KA, and I called over the nearest tank, grabbed my headquarters, jumped on the tank and just said drive straight for that compound. I could see the plume of dust, yeah, of course, and then turn up and then just went out into went into action mode like we were under an attack.
As soon as we got there. We got the.
Tank to drive from that compound in a straight line and punched a hole through the three meter high wall in the next compound, started moving the partner force along the track that the tank had made. With the track moving along, so we knew that was ied cleared. Got absolutely pizzled moving between those two buildings. We still got them through and then started trying to coordinate one establishing
a defensive perimeter, pulled the tanks up onto points. Also had other marines with, you know, like the Mark nineteen grenade launchers fifty gals and they had my guys in roots cutting holes in the walls to fire out of, and while half the platoon established that position and we won sort of that initial initiative and took it back, had some harriers come in, had some apaches come in. Everyone wanted to help. Everyone had wanted to come and help, but I was kind of like, hey, like we can't.
Everything was so close to us, and the terrain is that complicated. That lasting needed was to get in trouble legally as well. And then I remember looking up seeing everyone fighting, doing their job, and then watching you know, the other half of my platoon, big burly tattooed men on hands and knees, you know, for two and a half hours picking up the smallest pieces of Scott to put into these bags so we could put him on
the helicopter to get him out of there. And it was just so inspiring seeing that juxtaposition of you know that the brutality of war and warriors doing their job, and then just the care and love and affection the guys had trying to make sure we got all of Scott to send him home.
And yeah, that was pretty it was pretty incredible.
It was my job to then carry him back to the company Sergeant major who then put him on a helicopter and took him home, and then we spent the next two days fighting on to finish the mission. And I'm sure you can imagine the one of my favorite pictures on my desk at home is I called in the team commanders after went back to the company, dropped Scott off and just got them around the map, pull
out a knife. One of my commanders, one of my second commanders, put grenades to hold the map down just for the picture point of view, but just briefed everyone on the mission. Old school, no powerpoints, no gadget's nothing, you know, the situation, mission execution, having logistics command and sig hey, we got a new purpose to honor Scott's death, not to take revenge, but to find on you know, so he would be proud of this mission and those
three days while we lost Scott. And it's still painful to remember that just forged a new level of matship and team solid. I've never been able.
To replicate it again in my Yeah yeah, and.
Still stands and still inspires to this day.
How hard is it not to seek revenge or not to let that revenge mindset sort of come into play, because yeah, it's a negative sort of emotion sets. It can lead to a negative outcome, to negative decisions, to bad decisions. And how hard is it to keep that obey knowing that one of your men, you know, had just been blown up.
Great question, mate, really great question, and particularly in that context where you don't have someone to blame. It's a bomb under the ground, so every insurgent is to blame. And being aware, I think a big thing that the selection course teaches us is to be aware of our
emotions and not let them control us. And I just remember all of the emotions you spoke up, came over me, came over my guys, and I think straight away it's that relationship you have going into those crisis situations where you can read those in each other and have those
upfront conversations. And particularly for me, it was using that orders group to refocus that energy into the mission and not into whatever anyone was driving in their own heart, and talk about the importance of why we're there and the long lasting impacts of what our next actions would have.
Because it's so easy.
You're out there in the middle of nowhere, you are the masters of your own universe. I could call in the finger of God and give my initials to give the approvals. You know, you could completely be unaccountable to anyone else, but it was the true test of service and those values as to while you were there that
you had to display and dig into. And I honestly think it's everything that leads you up to that process, being selected, working with a team, and all the rest that just really make sure you're the right person to go through those situations. But one hundred percent, it's a team effort and you no, Maad only takes a few bad eggs or a few bad influences to help it go the other way. But fortunately in that situation, we're able to channel that energy for the positive purpose that we still had.
What did it feel like as an officer? Yeah too, And it's different for us. I suppose it's the same. But you know, was it like as an officer to lose one of your men on a mission that you were leading?
Yeah, I remember struggling with emotions of shame, embarrassment exactly as you said, like, this is my mission I'm responsible for at the end of the day, good or bad, and I had lost one of my soldiers and it's not a name on a piece of paper. You know, he had a mum, he had a sister, you know he has a nephew, all these sorts of things, and it's really difficult to you almost feel selfish thinking about the sorrowful parts that impact you on your professional career
on all the rest. And I think it's just having to again what I'm good at doing in a pragmatic way, putting the mission and team before yourself, like it's not about me. If the shoe had been on the other foot and it was me, I know that I would have died doing what I wanted to do, and I knew that's exactly what he did as well. So I think it's really going through a very pragmatic process to understand and appreciate the emotions you're having, but to again
remove yourself from the attachment. Yeah, and it's difficult, especially it's a pretty hyper experience to learn it for the first time. But I was just so fascinated to feel those emotions of shame and embarrassment and feel like I had failed in some way tactically and perhaps break through some of that delusion whereas to thinking that I could perfectly orchestrate warfare like it was a written script.
Was there ever a moment for you where you you know, you know, I suppose combat fatigued, so it kicks in and you think, you know, I need to hand over the torch.
Yeah, I loved it.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs, that self actualized version of myself achieving flow in combat, being so in the moment, immersed and with a team and tribe that I just felt so a part of I would go back and do that tomorrow with the right people, for the right purpose. Unfortunately, probably like yourself, I've since been able to look a lot at the wars we fought and perhaps why we
were there and all the rest. But for me, my reason to end up leaving the military actually came from a lot of reasons of the heart and head.
I fell in love with someone, and.
I wasn't sure how to mesh my personal life with my professional life.
We fell in love with someone from work outside.
In America, and one year I went to the Rangers.
Yeah.
I sort of kept myself in the closets sexually throughout my entire career, and in the US I actually got to meet professional gay men I didn't know who were gay. I did own it as their identity, and I've got to figure out, hey, I can actually still be Heston Russell, the commander officer and whoever I want to be in my personal life. But yeah, my last apployment to Iraq, or we helped to take the fight to isis one of the most incredible deployments and missions I've ever been
a part of. He was back in la and it is the first time I've been deployed with someone back at home. And at the same time, I was deployed with the general who was going to come back and be the next commander of our special operations. He'd come from a very conventional career and in his mindset he needed to get us back to haircuts, ironing uniforms, being the Special Forces Brigade just refused to listen to any
of the experience that we had around him. And my next position mate was to start climbing the ranks to lieutenant colone or going down the Canberra move on to a career that was away from the guys and the teams, and I wanted to be a part of. So those three combined, I took my long service leave. I followed my heart moved to the US to be with my boyfriend at the time, and so I said about for wing a new life from there.
Wow, they're right.
Wow, it was segue different, different, And throughout your whole career were you always in the closet? Where was it? Did it affect your work, did it affect who you were or did you just think? Or did you just were? You very good at compartmentalizing, separating.
The team developed this, there's different personality, Mike the pe teacher.
I think we need another hour.
I was able to compartmentalize and separate, and look again, you can imagine how hard it is for me on the outside trying to explain military culture to you know, the LGBT IQO plus community and vice versa. The culture service admission before self to a culture that's all about being seen and being heard, and like, I get it for those reasons, but I got to a place where I didn't need to be recognized or accepted for my sexuality because it meant nothing to what I truly loved.
That was my mission and that was my job, and I didn't know how to mesh the two together, so I kept them completely separate. I also didn't know what gay was. I was brought up in a very conservative
family up in Brisbane. When I moved down to Sydney and joined the Commandos, the first insight to the gay world I saw was middrift and drag queens on Oxford Street and scared the shit out of me because I didn't see there wasn't another there was another gay Special Forces person that I knew of, and there hasn't been again in the Australian military publicly, not that they need
to be at all. So I just didn't know what I didn't know, and I was too afraid to be the first, and I was too afraid for it to potentially impact any form of stigmas or stereotypes within the guys within the unit. Like this was two thousand and ten to twenty fifteen, before the gay marriage vote, before all this, and as you would know, mate, it actually doesn't matter, and the guys since have reinforced it so much.
But as the officer, as the commander, as a member of the Special Forces, there was nothing I wanted to introduce into the mixture of our social engagement and environment in the workplace. To do that was even more uncertain than what we had to deal with. So I chose to put my sexuality on the back foot. I was more than happy with that. I never had relationships and
all the rest till I met Blake. And then again there was that natural divide where hey, I'm done with this and it's time to explore this love thing that I've never felt before.
Do you think anyone new? Do you think anyone.
I delay? I delayed telling my daddy here and he reckons he knew. But did your dad say he didn't? Yeah, he found out here after mom and sister.
But no, And it's not that I prided myself on that. I just love and I still love it today. Where people know me it's Heston Russell, not as any of these other labels in between, because that's what I feel we have to aspire from. That's where I feel we're getting wrong in society. Like I'm gay, you have to accept me. I'm a veteran, you have to accept me. No one ever will mate. It's how you perform in yourself and treat others like your name is your label.
And that's why I fought so hard to grasp for myself and encourage others to do as well.
Or Mate You've done a phenomenal job in doing that, absolutely phenomenal and sat opposite you. May you know it's it's been an absolute pleasure and there's so much more to say. Do you know what You're gonna have to get Heston's book? Just remind us of the name of your.
Book, Forging the Will to Fight.
It's all my web Forging the Will to Fight? Yeah, Ford on your website? What's your website?
Heston Russell dot com.
Heston Russell dot com Forging the Will to Fight? You can go a lot more into depth by getting Heston's book. But mate, you've been an absolute pleasure to talk to you. Mate of reminisces. I think I've talked more about myself than I have about ye know more.
About you, mate, everything We know a lot about you. There's so many more layers to be seen. Yeah, do you know?
It's like everyone right, there's so much more layers to be seen. There's so much more you know of us than than people know. But mate, it's an absolute pleasure to get to know you within the short hour that I've got you. What is next for you? Heston?
The book launch made, It's been four years in the making, and I'm really looking forward to getting that out and I'm trying to get myself back into I run an event once a year called the Veteran Games through my charity and building that it's in its third year Veterangames
dot Com. Trying to get guys who are isolated out there and at the biggest risk of mental health off together, doing obstacle courses, doing casual evacuations, doing all the team stuff we used to do, and then myself getting back into some corporate speaking and just helping to spread the good word mate, much like you do out there, and trying to just be the best version of me I can outside of that amazing purpose and environment we have with motivation in service.
That was a pretty good version mate. It's a pretty good version of a right.
Now better inspiration out there in the community.
I want to thank you for your service and what you do, particular here in Australia. It's great to see a brick come over here and do what you do, mate, and break through so many of the stigmas as well, so I appreciate it.
You know what, mate, if you need any help, will fucking help out in any way with your events. Let me know we'll do pleasure mate. Thank you.
Thanks Anne.
As you've heard, Heston's book, Forging the Will to Fight is available now via his website. You can also check out Heston's podcast, The ABC's of Heston Russell. I'll put it in the show notes and don't forget if you need help. Also, you can contact Lifeline on thirteen eleven fourteen or Beyond Blue at beyond blue dot org dot AU. ADF personnel can also access confidential support our link the details in the show notes. Thank you for joining me
on this episode of Headgame. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. I'm at Middleton. Catch you in the next episode.