We'd like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which this podcast was produced, the Gaigle people of the orination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present.
Hi and here, I'm taking a short break and we'll be back with more Headgame stories on the twenty second of January. In the meantime, I wanted to take a look back at some of our incredible guests. In this episode, you'll hear from three women who have had to endure unimaginable heartbreak. They've each lost a child and have had to find a way through. I was blown away with their insights and approaches to life, and I'm honored to share them with you today. Firstly, you're here from doctor
Lucy Hone. Lucy is an expert in resilience and grief and had to navigate her own loss when her young daughter Abby was killed in a car accident. She spoke to me about that horrific day.
It was an unsuspecting Saturday and we were all going three families to buy can newly opened Mountain Bike Trail and at the last minute, Abby, who was twelve years old at the time, the phone rang and she said can I go in Ella's car? So we said yeah, sure, you know, they were tied at the hip, and we thought nothing of it and dropped her off at the
network courts. So she went off with Ella, and we were having dinner later on that night, and Ella's family hadn't turned up, and we, as you do, just assumed
they were stuck in traffic or something had happened. But we then got a phone call from the policeman saying he was on his way to see us and there been an accident and as they had driven down through the back country tree lanes to come and join us, and someone had driven through a stop sign at one hundred kilometers an hour and crashed into their car and killed Ella's mum, Sally, who was a really great friend of mine, and Ella and Abby and so you know,
they literally the unthinkable is suddenly very much our reality. And I remember the policeman coming tracking us down in this country lodge mountain lodge, and distinctly thinking that it was like one of those moments where your life path splits that you never see coming, and it is completely unfathomable. And you'll probably appreciate this a because I can't quite help.
I can't really separate me the research from me the mother, and I remember thinking, like almost like an outer body experience, going, WHOA, I didn't see that coming. And that is now my life, that we are going to be forced to live down with this completely unexpected path and somehow have to survive her loss. And I think the words were I mean, I only now remember this because I've written about it in my book, but you know, that's that's your life now,
time to sink or swim. And that was my survivor's mission. And you see this a lot and the resilience literature that people talk about as survivor's mission. And it was crystal clear to me from that very first moment that we were on We were fighting for survival and I was bloody determined that we would somehow make it through.
And the obvious quest, how do you tackle something like that? I know that you said that you know you're forced and when you're forced down a certain road or in a certain direction, then you have to put up or shut up. Really, you know you have to. That's you can't. You've got no other option. It's a case of we have to tackle that. How do you even start to tackle something like that.
I think and truth. So so I do lots of work nowadays. We run a program called Coping with Loss, and so I spent my life now talking to bereaved people about how they can cope with loss. And so what I'm talking to you about now is partly my own experience and partly what I have seen work with others. And the first thing is that you've somehow got a believe that you're going to get through. And I didn't
want to be a victim. And we were told that we were now prime candidates for divorce, mental illness, and family estrangement in that first week, and I remember thinking, WHOA, thanks for that. I thought my life was already pretty shit. Can't believe that you're just making it worse for me. And I became very determined to think, Okay, that's not happening on my watch. And that's kind of mamma bear instinct thing of just going naw, we're not doing that.
I am going to hold my family together and we're somehow going to get through this. I knew, of course, I had all my training to lean on, and even in those first earliest days and weeks, I was using tools such as really thinking about where I was focusing my attention. And so I had this voice in my head that said, choose life not death. Don't lose what
you have to what you've lost. And we are fortunate enough to have two beautiful sons who were teenagers at the time, and I was really determined to live for them and be there for them, and they needed me right now. You know, we needed to somehow cobble together a family existence that was going to enable us to just get through the days and weeks. All of what I'd learned in the disaster recovery was really helpful. For instance, I knew that it would be helpful to us to
create some semblance of a normal routine. And you know, I'm being using the word routine really loosely here. We would get up in the morning and walk the dog and have a cup of coffee, and then you know, talk to other people, and then have some lunch and then walk the dogs again, see the kids after school. But getting the kids wanted to go back to school, and I think me knowing that that would help them, knowing from my training, that we let them go back much sooner.
Than trying to lead a sort of semi normal life without too much disruption.
Ye, mainly functioning was my goal. I remember my husband and I talking about that, saying, you know, we can't control so much of this, but if we just endeavor to kind of mainly function, and if we acknowledge when we can't do that, that it's okay to lie on the character and not get out of bed, then there's
a lot of self compassion. And in my I don't know if you see in my ted talk, but those are those three secrets of resilience I think are that These are my kind of three sort of tools of resilience. That is self compassion. You've got to be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook and lower the bar and do what you can. So that's the first bit.
And then this ability to really be or grow yourself awareness over where you are putting your attention, and then asking yourself, is what I'm doing, the way I'm choosing to think, act, or be helping or harming me in my quest to get through this. So those were my absolute foundational resilience tools I had picked up at the University of Pennsylvania that without doubt came and saved me.
Next you're here from the amazing Gina Chick. She spoke to me about the loss of her daughter Blaze.
Grief demands to be felt, and we live in a culture that I think doesn't have healthy ceremonies and rituals and language about grief, you know, stiff up a lip and emotions are suspect and well, it's very inconvenient, incredibly uncomfortable. We're just going to make that go away, shall we. And I don't hold to that at all, like I would rather let the ocean of emotion roll through me. For me, emotions are like weather. They come and they go, and a storm doesn't stay storming on you for months.
A storm comes and then it goes, and then there's another storm, but then there's some sunshine in between, and sudden, you know, the ocean is beautiful and calm and clear and like dazzling light one day and the next day it's late these pounding waves that are like you know, churning up the beach. That for me is the experience of being in a body and having emotions. And so I just asked, every day of grief, what do you
need from me? What is grief asking of me? To know, and some days it was asking me to wail and have tantrums, and other days it was asking me to like laugh with my friends, and other days it was asking me to make love, and other days it was asking me to watch really bad TV. And other days it was asking me to just look at the leaves in the trees and not move for three hours and not even know what I was doing, just be like just looking at nothing, looking at looking at the waves,
or looking at the sun. And again, for me, it's always about what is right right now? Is what is this moment asking of me? That's how I got through That's how I got through pregnant with cancer, That's how I got through all of the situation with her, That's how I got through grief. It's like what is right right now? And then some days it's like, I don't want to feel this right now, So right now, I'm going to eat all of the ice cream and eat all of the chocolate and just you know, eat my
feelings and make it all go away. And then there's other times I'm like, no, now, I can absolutely dive to the bottom of myself and I can feel every single sceric of this feeling and like wail to the heavens, and then on the other side of that, I'd feel clean and clear. I'm very blessed, I think to have had a life where I've learned how to process my feelings and to try trust my body. I trust my body and I trust the movement of my feelings through
my body. So grieving has been huge because it is. But the other thing for me is that grief is the flip side of the coin of love. And however much we love, that's how much we grieve, love that for that which has been lost. And so the bigger our love, the more the grief hurts. But the grief is that that says that I feel and I'm alive and I breathe and I love.
Yeah that's a positive, right, that's a positive grief tribute.
Yeah, it's like, oh wow, this is really hurting because that's how big my heart is right now. And to be able to map my heart and see whoa like, my heart is so big it goes to that horizon and my heart is so big it goes to those stars because that's how big my grief is. But that is how big my heart is. It stopped being for me and negative and just starts being a part of
being a wow and what a gift. I think a lot of people who've lost will tell you that part of the gift of losing someone is the recognition that every breath is a gift. Every breath that I have means that I'm alive, and that is part of the gift of losing her. I'm just like, well, here's another one. I'm still alive.
My final guest is my good friend Sophia Vivaji. Her daughter Azalea was just eight months old when she lost her battle with leukemia. I asked Sophia how she stopped herself from going into a dark place in that devastating time.
Yeah, it's really interesting.
Never did I think I would be sat here now being able to help and inspire so many people. The fact that my daughter has give me a second life, I'd say, I feel like I'm in my second life, and I feel like watching her inspire millions of people around the world, Seeing like huge monuments light up around the world showed me that the world is my oyster. She showed me that the power is within you as a person, and in your darkest times, you get the f up and you continue to fight.
Is that what you do?
You just you just get the f up, right, because at the moment you don't, you're done.
Yeah?
Is that right?
Absolutely?
So you need to get up all the time, right then, you need to, and you need to you say, get the f up. It's like, get the f up for what purpose?
To to help others? Yeah? So for me, it's about giving back.
For me, it's about expanding the mind of myself, the muscles in my mind.
I get great achievement of delivering.
New avenues for different people watching my platform and seeing people getting up going to do driving lessons again because they've watched me on TikTok Live. I'm having bad days sometimes, so sometimes I put measures in place. I did a ten o'clock alarm. I'm walking through how can't get up, can't shower, I can't even think to put clothes on in that day. Then I set myself at ten o'clock alarm, and that is when that alarm goes off, that is
the time to get the eff orp. So we go and take a shower and then it unfolds my day. Then it makes me feel like, right, I want to be powerful. I appreciate each day that I get. What impact can I make in each of these days that I've got? So I don't know how long my life's going to be, but what impact are we creating?
I love helping people.
Watching people expand and be in credible and a better version of themselves is something that in spires me. So the fact that I've started hearing people say to me, oh my god, I'll watch you so inspirational, Oh my god, how do you do that?
And oh my god, how I've been one of them?
And I just I don't see that at myself. Maybe I should give myself a little bit more credit, but I don't see that. All I see is Sophia survive them. But me surviving is helping other people is powerful.
You know what.
I don't envy U.
I sort of fear for you because you've got no choice but to get the f up, because not like many people when they don't, they're just at the moment you don't, you're scared, you're done. And I see that in Ashley as well. Keeps on going and going and going, and I think you're going to have to stop one day, but you can't because of the moment you do and I fear for you. I sort of think, Wow, you've got no option but to get the f up. What happens one day when you don't?
So I have a different you.
And this is also something that I've really thought about long and hard, and I think because I've worked on my mental capacity from rock bottom, I feel like I know when I get to different stages and through having therapy, how I cope with them. So for me, turning my pain into purpose was setting up the Azalea Foundation to help so many of the children and families. However that helps me, but on my bad, bad days, I learn how to sit in that pain. Now I learn to
take a moment for myself. So I now start putting things into place like I do hair masks, I do skincare, I sit in my house and put on my favorite podcasts.
I do the cleaning.
I get lost in doing things for my house and for me. So I'm no longer scared that I'm going to hit that wall of not wanting to be here anymore, because I really, in my darkest times, have taught myself that life is precious. Children and many of the people out there are fighting for their lives. How could I take this gift so stupidly. How could I be so stupid.
And do this. Look at the change that I'm making.
Look how many people's lives I'm saving and helping.
What about if I'm not here anymore.
I'm here now because I feel like I'm a light on earth and my daughter is a light in heaven. And it's time now that even if we're in them dark places, which I've been recently, and I've just thought, I turn pain into purpose.
If you'd like to hear the full interviews with doctor Lucy Hone, Gina Chick, and Sophia Varagi are linked them in the show notes. I hope you found this episode as insightful as I did. If there's someone in your life who might benefit from hearing these inspirational women, please share this with them. If you're going through a difficult time, remember support is always available. I'll leave links to the sources in the show notes. I'm at Middleton. Catch you again next time.