Hanging with Humans Podcast | Episode 20 | Sam Ames

Uh , I think you've lived a a very uh fast life , interesting life , uh , but I'm I'm happy that we get to do this because there's been so much growth , uh , from from the things you've gone through and and being in this state of sobriety and um , having you know , having a house , uh , and and having your family together and all that , but like coming from you

know , not the easiest uh living situation growing up . So , yeah , starting with a few things , where were you born ?

I've known her my whole life . We uh she left the keys in her pot machine once and we opened it up and stole a bunch of soda and all the change out of it once and had to write a apology letter because we got busted . Obviously that's funny , but she was kind enough not to , like you know , seek out like penalty from the law .

Yeah yeah , yeah so you grew up in . Alberton . So we're kind of talking about it .

It was Chet's back then and now it's Trax , and so she bartended at Trax or Chet's . I don't know , and they played a lot of music and the park's named after my mom . And then in Missoula my mom played at the house band , the Top Hat . Her band was the Night Snackers and she was the lead singer of it . That's a sick name .

Yeah , so I grew up at the Top Hat skipping school to drink Shirley Temples and play foosball .

So uh , kind of what I do with the podcast is let let people tell their stories , um , but of kind of hardships and things that they've gone through , uh , as well as the good things and but things that they've overcome to , to kind of just show people that you know we can get through these things , because I've been everywhere and a lot of us go through all

the same struggles . But you wouldn't know it unless you actually heard it or seen it . But there's a lot of people in small towns all over that probably go through a lot of the same things . So I guess , learning about let's start with your parents . Can you tell me a little bit about your mom and dad ?

You know , I'd say sex , drugs and rock and roll , but I like to say that about my parents . Drugs and rock and roll , yeah , I don't know . And they ?

I just think that it's like a person that like I don't know , I guess fixes that's very cool yeah .

He did like not a mentorship , but somebody passed that down to him right , yeah , yeah , if I had a better memory I could tell you the guy who he , like um , apprenticed under , but I can't quite think of it , but it was somebody really important yeah , yeah , like he was like one of the best , yeah , one of the best that's very cool .

absolutely um , and as kids we're like little sponges and we just soak up everything and we kind of want to be just like our parents and so you probably kind of went down a path . Would you say it was from just being around it so much .

Is that kind of how like we'll get into your story , but being around all of how like we'll get into your story , but being around all of that , do you think that played a big part in your addiction and stuff , like being around it as a kid so much and all that ?

Yeah , I think in my younger years I was more I don't know , I guess adult about it because because my parents were playing music and gone a lot , I played more of like the parental role in my adolescence and so like I don't think it was tell I don't know later in life that I actually really was a big issue to me .

I think I was very responsible at a younger age but it shouldn't even have been a thing to start with . You know , it shouldn't have been a thing in general , but it was you grew up pretty fast .

But when I was younger and it was a thing because my mom was an IV drug user , I don't know I used to eat her cottons and stuff because when I was younger it made me feel good . I didn't know what I was doing . I didn't necessarily like understand the gravity of like what it was .

you know a relationship with my mom and stuff , like having you know a relationship with my mom and stuff , like it's one of those things that like she's kind of blocked out , like she doesn't believe it happened and it's not something like as a child . I didn't just make it up either .

How would I even know what that is , you know ? But she's explaining it because that's what she remembers . But yeah , blocking it out , it's like you don't want to . You know , the time is so dark . I'm sure that it's . It's , I don't know . I don't remember a lot of my childhood because it was so gnarly .

You know , yeah , I get it , but um , yeah , no , that's , that's very crazy . Um so , yeah , that's kind of like your introduction to it at a very young age and I guess one of the first big things that happened was let's see dad dropped out attempted heroin bathroom .

There'll be like nights where she'd be like tweaking I'd be like tweaking . I'd be like mom , stop dremeling . I have to go to school in the morning . you know like just shitty things like my childhood memories are like hanging outside of bathrooms , weird fucking circumstances with people being weird dumpster diving .

You know like just being super embarrassed about I don't know , my mom just being in the grips of addiction , which I don't know . If she hears this I apologize . Sorry Mom , sorry Mom . I probably won't tell her to listen to it Because I know she has a lot of like guilt and stuff about my childhood or me and my brother's childhood .

It wasn't just my childhood . They just don't have the relationship I have with my mom now yeah because my brother was kind of like you fucking suck you just kind of , you know , went his own way is he older he's older . He's two years older and I know he feels differently about it .

I know my mom did the best she could with what she had and I appreciate her for that . So I mean , it's all about being fucking humble to the experience , you know .

He took more after my dad not saying my dad didn't use drugs , but he was more into music so him and my dad kind of clicked a little bit better . And then me and my mom , kind of , you know , went off on a different path until my dad passed away .

Obviously he was my best friend growing up until , you know , into our 20s , and then when I started taking like the addiction route he kind of dropped off because I don't know .

I like sold it to somebody and then he found out and like I was super mad about it so we didn't talk for several years until I , like , got my shit together and then kind of I don't know , mended the fence and we've been , you know , as close as we can be . You know I sure fucking love him .

yeah , you know the drinking and stuff like that , and so I don't know , there was a lot of , like , I guess , residual shame from it because of like this stigma upon my family . My brother dropped out . My dad fucking left us . My mom was a junkie .

She ended up getting in trouble for like an attempted to possess black tar heroin and like I don't know , and we lived in a really small town so it definitely was like carries around . Yeah , it fucking left

me stained yeah um , I get that . Yeah , there was definitely like a portion of it where , like , I just wanted to succumb to that fate of being just I don't know part of a piece of shit . Definitely like recovered a little bit , yeah no , you're doing great things right now .

And then my coach was super cool , because at that point I't super , super into drugs , but I smoked a lot of weed and my coach was like man , I don't care if you smoke , but like you , you show up and you do good so like , and it was like the first , like you know , kind of support that I got from like a uh , you know , mentor person in my life .

that was like positive and accepting me , as is and I don't know , we're still like friends on Facebook and I follow him with his kids and shit and like I don't know , it was kind of . It was one of those wholesome relationships that , like , I've held dear to my heart , even as an adult .

So I went and I went down to like north carolina and I like started selling magazines and I went to like north carolina , florida , ge , florida , georgia , and then we were in um Nevada , in Henderson , nevada , and I got a phone call that , um , there had been a house fire and that my stepmom had died and so we flew up from Henderson uh and she , so she

died in the house fire .

I guess I don't know exactly the circumstances that , I don't know if she was in the house fire , I guess I don't know exactly the circumstances that , I don't know if she was in the house , I don't know if she was like smoking or it was candles , but the house had caught on fire and my dad had came back to the house on fire and her in the yard sitting

on a bench like completely burnt , and they ended up lifelighting her over to Seattle where they she had too many burns to survive and so they end up . I don't know if they pulled the plug or how I was . You know it was when I was like 20 or something , and so I don't think I was like as comprehensive to understand that , you know so I'm not .

If it was something that had to happen now , I would be able to have a better detail , but I was young and dumb and you know so I'm not . If it was something that had to happen now , I would be able to have better detail , but I was young and dumb and , you know , wasn't at a place to be receptive to that . So , yeah , she passed away that's .

So it really helped me like open up and like get more . I don't know comfortable with like talking to strangers and like I don't know , just that's so cool yeah , it was cool . I wish that I obviously a lot of those experiences that I had when I was younger . I wish I would have had the capability of comprehension you know .

Same with , like my stepmom earlier , I don't know just a lot of things . When you're that young you don't have the ability to process it appropriately . Have you know gratitude appropriately ? Like I don't know , so , like I didn't get to experience it the way that I I would if I would be there now . You know like taking things in and being appreciative .

You know like a lot of that comes with life and experience through like a whole different lens 100% , but it was . It was cool nonetheless and I'm grateful that it happened that's awesome , awesome .

And I just talked to him the day before because it was getting ready to be my birthday and I was supposed to call him back and I didn't . And then the cops knocked at my house I don't know , or no , no , they knocked at my brother's house .

My mom called me I think is what it was and the cops had knocked on my brother's door and told him and yeah , and think is what it was . And the cops had knocked on my brother's door and told him and yeah , and he passed away .

Originally we thought it was , um , I don't know what I was told was sleep apnea , but when the coroner's report came out , it was an accidental methadone overdose and he died at his best friend's house on the porch . He was sleeping on hammock or something played me it was a good time , though , because they played music , you know , they drank .

They were like having a good time and he went to sleep and then he couldn't wake him up the next day and then they called the ambulance and then he was pronounced dead .

something that was missing and I don't know .

I think the worst part of that is like , obviously , like him never knowing my children yeah , or them not knowing him , or like the fact at 21 , you're not , um , at that state of being like grateful yeah , you know , the older you get in life , like loss gives you clarity and like appreciation for like relationships and your ability and like , I don't know , just

being humble to the experience , like knowing that you know this relating could , just you know , like this could be the last time I could see you , so like being able to be grateful for every moment with all the people that matter yeah , it's like a big deal . And like at 20 or 21 I didn't have that . So , like I didn't get a .

My dad was still fucking annoying to me at that age , you know . Yeah , he was just annoying and embarrassing . I didn't get a really dive into understanding him as a human being and you know all the things that , like , I have appreciation for now . I didn't get to have that for him because I was so much younger . Yeah , so like . Yeah , he would be proud .

I just wish I could have a conversation with him today , with who I am to be able to like bridge that , you know , it's fucked up , yeah um , yeah , I'm sorry that happened .

And once I got older and was able to like branch out to being my own person and forming other , really poor relationships with men and life , yeah , it just kind of all was a , it was all a factor . I don't think him dying was like it was going to fucking happen regardless . That was the path . Yeah , you know that kind of failure was .

I mean , I am a product of my environment , so like that path was meant to be taken at a young age , yeah , Um , you , uh ,

there's a let's see here Opioids .

You know , yes , I know , when I was in fifth grade and I was at a basketball tournament , my mom gave me a lure tab and I ended up kinking all over basketball court . Oh , my goodness .

So you know , like in the cottons and stuff , like it wasn't far after that Like , so you know , before I was even in junior high school , I was , like you know , fifth grade was smoking dope and so like it was all there at a super young age .

And so , like it was all there at a super young age , I managed it very decently as a child who shouldn't be fucking dealing with any of that . Because I was the parental figure in my life . You know , I didn't have somebody telling me you can't do this , you can't do that .

I had to like monitor that myself because I was trying to do the best that I could . So I was very like , well adjusted for a child , yeah . And then , I don't know , definitely after my dad died and stuff , I started having like knee surgeries and .

I broke my hand , so I had that kind of surgery and so I definitely like dove into pills a little bit more and like started doing oxys with my mom and I don't know just kind of fell off really bad , I guess . I don't know . It's weird because it progresses so quietly .

You know , one moment it's something that's so simple and like extracurricular , and the next thing you know it's what you're like world .

Yeah , it's like eclipsed into something that you know , because I used to , when I had my first couple of surgeries , I trade my pills for weed and then , as I got older than like trading all the weed that I could get for pills .

Yeah , it was like definitely eclipsed , you know , and I didn't start shooting up until I was 27 , thank God , because I don't know how I would have made it if I would have done it sooner , you know .

You had a toxic baby daddy for 10 years I did uh was , uh was the toxicity . Did a lot of that come from drug use of both you guys together , or what would you say that stems from ?

Yeah , um , I uh , I don't know what's a tough one for me . I'm like I want to dig on him too bad .

And then he went to prison and then he got out and he's like , oh , I changed and like , oh , I believe in you . So I got back with him . He cheated on me and I left him again and then , third time , the same fucking thing . I love you , I'll do better . I got pregnant the first time I saw him after he got out of prison .

So I moved over to Billings and I was pregnant with my Max , my second son . And shortly after I had him I found out the whole time I had been with him in Billings he'd been selling heroin and using it behind my back and it was . I felt so fucking dumb because I had been clean for five years .

All of our friends knew it was like this whole fucking , like it was like the biggest conspiracy of my life , like his friends were using , they're acting like they were in recovery . They fucking were like doing discreet buys .

While we're like at what , at like going to the mall to buy , fucking like I don't know , there's one chance , like one thing that comes to mind . We went to the mall and there's like that fucking store that you build a bear to mind .

We went to the mall and there's like that fucking store that you build a bear , and so we were there building bears and he , like , went to go meet somebody just and I don't remember what the excuse was , but come to find out he was just selling him shit and I was so fucking oblivious and , um , I don't know . So I ended up finding out .

It was just wild .

Um , and then , instead of just leaving him and like taking my kids and like going , I had like a three month old son and my oldest was six and I fucking like all right , cool , you did , you have heroin , you've been selling heroin . Like let's do it .

Like , instead of like taking and saving face and like doing better for my kids , I completely face planted and got super strung out with them . You know we ran our life to the ground within like four or five months . We didn't lose our apartment or anything , but like all of our bills were due . Like everything was going to shit .

You know , like people would babysit my kids I shouldn't babysit them . And then he like peed dirty for probation and they came to her house . They found a bunch of needles and meth and they took to her house .

They found a bunch of needles and meth and they took my children and they arrested my husband and I sit in my flop ass , flop house ass apartment by myself after I'd been clean you know , like I don't even relapse for like four or five months but like everything in my life just came to like that was the but like everything in my life just came to like that

was the rock bottom for me . It was like my husband was arrested , my children got taken . It's the only time in my entire life that I've ever had CPS involved and they took my children because I was unfit .

And then having them serve me papers of neglect and abuse and stuff like that , like it was , it was heartbreaking , you know , and we were in an apartment complex and my neighbor bub , she came down and she's like I don't know what's going on , but if you need somebody I'm here because she could just hear me like just wailing and I , you know , and I just sit

there by myself and I just picked up drugs . So I like meth in my hat and a bunch .

You know , it was just a mess and I should have just flushed it , but I didn't even and this is probably not for the podcast I sold it to my friend because it was broke as shit and then and I didn't use and I like started picking up the pieces and of course , I'd like figure out how to bond him out .

And then , you know , our relationship was fucking abuse . So he was like being shitty to me , you know , not bonding him out quick enough and not doing this and that . And then , when I did bond him out , then he was like staying out late and drinking and I found out he's like fucking some bitch from applebee's again .

Dude , applebee's bitches are the fucking worst . It was the second girl she does . Twice in our 10-year fucking relationship . You cheat on me with some applebee's . Oh , fuck you . Yeah , so I don't know , instead of like banding , you know , I bonded him out and I thought like , hey , we just lost our children .

Like I stopped using drugs , like you should stop using drugs , let's figure it out and get our kids back . He was like out getting fucked up , staying out with some fucking bitches . Yeah , you know , like I , I don't know I was so disappointed and then , and then I don't know , he cut this out the way I found out he was cheating on me .

It was like he left his broken ass fucking phone at her apartment and I screen peeped it to the tv and he had gps picture . You know he had the gps on and shit and there was pictures of him kissing some bitch and so and this is like after my kids got taken .

So I'm like , all right , fuck you motherfucker , and so I was like I'm done , I'm done , and so I fucking , you know , continued like going to get my kids back and I busted my ass and I got him back in four months . I fucking just like filed divorce papers and fucking left him , and that's the last time I've seen him actually .

I went to intensive outpatient treatment . I did daily visits with my kid at the center until they placed them with one of my old bosses and then I'd do my visits there and I literally did absolutely everything that I could to get my kids back .

You know , I did random UAs and then they did the drug patch on me and like I'd heard so much bad stuff about the drug patch , like that I don't know I've heard with the drug patch I heard that like if you're in like the wrong environment or you're wearing clothes that you used to use it and stuff like that , it can give you false positives and so I was

so paranoid about it that like I did the drug patch and then I went and dropped UAs outside of what I was required . Because I was so paranoid about it that like I did the drug patch and then I went and dropped UAs outside of what I was required because I was so terrified that something was going to you know , keep me from getting my kids .

And it happened . My patch spiked and luckily I'd had actually UAs that I'd been taking extra to like counter it , because she was trying to be like oh , we could use .

No dude , I literally have a ua that's saying I am within you know the legal limits or not legal limits , because I wasn't fucking using you know , it's just , it's the , it's like nanograms or something on the patch and like yeah , and I'm so glad that I did that because I mean I'd heard horror stories and at that point I was like so gung-ho on getting my

kids back that like nothing was going to get in my way

.

So I don't know if it was like because of that time that she was able to like squeak through without like , because cbs was never involved in my childhood and it's a fucking miracle .

But even throughout like I don't know my addiction and stuff like , and even when I was a kid , she was a big drug addict when I was a child , but like she had a roof for us , she gave me food and she like tried to be there to the best of her abilities , like I didn't .

You know , like some people that have parents that are addicts , like I'm not saying that the situations I was in wasn't , I don't know it was inappropriate for sure , and definitely like , but it could have been worse , I guess . Like my perspective on it was like well , I had it bad , but like it could have been a lot worse .

You know , I wasn't getting raped , you know , or like traded , or like you know , I mean I definitely saw a lot more and went through a lot more than I would ever want for my children , but you know , like she did love us , she did try , she was consistent regardless with you know , whatever version , like she was still there trying , even when she was like out

of her mind . And so like when I was like full-on in my addiction to the point where , like I don't know I guess the biggest thing about my addiction and maybe she didn't have that but like when I was using , I told myself that like my kids were better off without me that's what you told yourself yeah , like my kids are better off without me .

Somebody else can do better for them . So like I would stay away from them because I was using and it'd be so hurt that I'd use because I wasn't around them . And it was like this big fucking circle jerk of addiction and I think any parent that's ever had a really gnarly drug addiction can contest that .

That's like a part of it , like we , or our addiction , tells us that our kids are better if we're not around .

And that was like the biggest , that , like biggest portion of I don't know what kept me away from my kids for when , you know , I was really messed up because instead of seeing my having me be super messed up around my kids , I just was not there . Yeah , and in those portions my mom stepped into the best of her abilities .

You know , and I mean to this day , like my kids , I don't think , remember a lot of my addiction . They don't remember a lot of my absence . Yeah , they do remember their grandma always being there , though , and so that's like a big you know . I'm grateful .

So , yeah , uh , in all the walks of life you know , like you said , like all these people that you think are your really good friends , when you get down to the nitty-gritty they're not fucking there . And like .

No matter how big of an asshole my mom has been throughout my life or how big of a pain in my ass she is , at the end of the day she's the only person that's consistently like , had my back and been there for me without you know , any judgment or like anything else .

Fell in love with somebody who liked heroin and I happen to have already liked heroin , so like I ended up following him down that rabbit hole again , got super strung out . Didn't lose my kids , though probably you know were you close or like to losing them or no . No , no , I had a stable housing and stuff .

My mom stepped in so she was there while I was out running amok . Yeah , she was there with my kids , um , because I couldn't , you know , I didn't want them seeing me be a junkie , but it was fine for seeing me be a junkie , but it was fine for her to be a junkie around him . I guess , I don't know , it was a really shitty Way to look at it .

It was . It was and I'm ashamed , but I mean , shame gets nobody anywhere . So you know , it is just part of my growth . So I'd been fell off for two years and then that really shitty toxic love that I'd been fell off for two years and then that really shitty toxic love that I was in he ended up dying in a car wreck and it completely broke my heart .

But I don't know , it was like one of those things . I'm not like a big God person or like , but I remember we were in such a toxic cycle of like abuse and like I don't know PFMAs and like that whole you know , just a really , really bad cycle of toxic love and my kids hearing me get beat and stuff like that .

Like I remember praying and I wouldn't pray to god but I was praying to the universe , like I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this and it makes me feel shitty . But he ended up getting a car wreck and dying .

And I'm not saying like that was the only way out of it , but like there is a part of me that feels like the universe had my back and I don't mean to say that in a callous way but there's just some situations that I don't know how I would have got out of that cycle with any other alternative .

I would never have gotten clean again , because his love for heroin was vast and I loved him even more and I just fell victim to that cycle and so he passed away and it absolutely like broke me and it took me , I don't know . He died in September and I fell off really , really hard and I really didn't care for a little bit .

And then I got arrested in january , um , in idaho , going over to pick up some shit I'm so glad it was on the way over and said , on the way back , because it was a simple possession and uh , I went to jail for 10 days and it was just long enough to like get my mind right .

Um , I remember getting out and calling my mom and telling her I didn't know what I was gonna do and she's like , well , you better fucking come home and just take care of your kids . Because I had a moment of like you know , am I gonna use or not ? Yeah , and uh , I don't know and I end up do .

I don't know it's an irrelevant portion , but I didn't use , I got my shit together and , um , I don't know , haven't used since . That's amazing . I definitely grabbed life by the balls , did a lot of really cool things , you know , to help me . Yeah , that's amazing . It's been a fucking journey , that's for sure .

And they gave me a job and so I started running equipment for them . Shout out to Grant Creek Um . And I did that for the summer . I absolutely loved it it . I lost my house in Missoula so I moved to Alberton and then at the end of the season I ended up losing the house out in Alberton .

So , like right when I was getting laid off for the winter , I lost my housing . So I moved in the homeless shelter with my kids , stayed there till April and then I gotten my kids is grandma , you know my Baby daddy's mom , yeah , she was like some help . I prayed on it and you should come to . Glendive and I'm like no , I Want to go to Glendive .

That's not where I want to go . Missoula is my home . Yeah , not want to go to Glendive , that's not where I want to go . Missoula's my home , yeah . But as I sat at the homeless shelter with my two children and Brent's outrageous there , I , you know , molded over a little bit more and I said you know what ? What do I have here anyway ?

And it ended up being a great transition . And I remember when he first moved in there , my son son at the time he he thought it was our forever home and he's like mom , we're never gonna have to move again . I had to be like , oh , I'm not really sure if this is our forever home and I'd asked her once about being able to rent , to own it .

She told me no . And then , like I don't know , four or five months later , I revisited it and she said let me talk to my family and I'll , I'll get back to you . And then she called me back and she said let me talk to my family and I'll , I'll get back to you .

And then she called me back and she said that they'd be willing to sell it to me at a four percent interest . So , um , it was a I bawled my eyes out called chris . You know I was like I'm gonna buy a home . You know I never , with how much I've messed up my credit and my life and all the things .

I thought it would be years off to be able to buy my own home . So being able to tell my kids we don't have to move again was a really big deal . And I don't know as much as I hate the flatland . Glendive has been the biggest growth for me as a human . I was able to

provide my kids stability . They've been able to do a bunch of like sports and stuff , which is the first year I've been able to do sports and how big it was for me growing up and stuff like . I was just really grateful to be able to have them experience that . You know I went and got my CNA . There you go . I started .

You know I was working at the hospital but they pay sucky .

I'm very grateful for them very much and yeah , I owe them a lot , I'm very grateful for them .

But , um , no , this place has been a lot of growth for me as well , and this is the probably the first time having a place all by myself , you know , whether that be an apartment or house or anything , but like taking care of it by myself and having my kids come down to montana for the first time was a like a bucket list thing for me , you know , because

I I moved away many years ago and kind of followed them around and and decided to settle in montana because I wanted to give them the experience of like the western montana experience , so I was planning on having them out in the mountains all the time .

And so when I met him he was unapproachable to me and like out of my league . And then come to find out down the road he just liked me too and uh , I don't know . And then just being guarded and stuff . I wanted to wait to see if he was really about I don't know , just regular ass life .

You know , because I'm I'm done , um , following a person that I think is for me in the situations that aren't you know , like I am wholeheartedly like after this last stint in jail being there , and because I thought I was going to go to prison .

I have a lot of felonies and I thought that I was going to go to prison and so when they let me out after 10 days , I had this grand realization that , like their dad's not there for them . Every child deserves one parent that's going to step up for them and put all their shit aside . Giving addiction isn't something that is even .

You know that shouldn't even be an issue . You know it shouldn't , it's not something that should even be an option . But you know poor choices it was and so like at that point , like understanding that , like my kids need a parent and that's parents gotta be me was like a big deal to me .

And so , um , realizing that I would no longer let that I don't know other situations get in the way of me being a good parent , and so , like he had expressed desire of wanting a relationship , but obviously he's got his own walks and , um , his own issues with addiction and stuff .

I wanted to make sure that he was really about it , obviously because I've had my own problems . I wanted to give him grace and we've had a couple of cups , but he has full-heartedly stepped into my life as a supporter and the perfect partner . The perfectly imperfect partner because nobody's perfect and he's taking it with stride and I don't know .

I've never had support like that .

Oh , there's like a random thing before I forget , though , because we were talking about Alberton , and it's just a random little thing but circling back the park in Alberton and , um , the , it's just a random little thing , but Circling back , circling back the park , the park in Alberton , yeah , just because historically it sounds cool .

Can you like kind of explain what's up with that ?

old Milwaukee railroad logs , because the old Milwaukee railroad ran through Alberton , so the house I grew up in was built from that too . Yeah , it was kind of a . I don't know weird . That's pretty cool . We're big shit in a little town . That's pretty cool . Yeah , it was kind of cool .

Drug addicts like me don't usually , you know , excel in like fixed things , like it's usually jails , death and institutions . You know like a lot , a lot of my friends have died , a lot of chris's . You know like we're in prison or repeating the same toxic cycle .

So like the it seems so simple to a lot of people that haven't had that kind of life , but like being able to , you know , have them in sports or like show up for their concerts . You know my kids didn't bam , like all that stuff . You know it seems so simple and like , yeah , innocent , but like to someone like me , those are huge milestones .

So , yeah , it has been absolutely , uh , a lot of great , but like a lot of gratitude for being able to experience that , because there's a time in my life where I didn't think it was possible .

There's so much stuff in my younger years that I took for granted that after a lot of loss and a lot of pain and stuff , it humbled me to the experience and now I'm able to like I won't say fully comprehend , because I don't think , you know , I can understand it the best of my abilities , but it is vast at this point in my life .

You know like I have a lot of gratitude for that stuff . Simple , small things , yeah , and I guess that's you know why . When it comes like wanting more , I don't really want a lot more because I got everything that I need . You know , I got absolutely everything that I need .

for granted .

So it was very different and obviously the fruit trees were phenomenal , um , but multnomah falls in oregon was one of like the really cool experiences . I don't know . We uh took some ghb and walked up these waterfalls , like walked up the creek to a waterfall . It was like like a really wholesome experience , that's awesome . I was super young then too .

I didn't even have kids at that point but it was very neat . Where's the coolest place you've been to man , it's hard to just say one .

Like all the cool things , yeah , 15 minutes north , uh , like the sickest castle I've ever been to , and the road that like winds up , it's it's got to be like I don't know 10 miles , but it's like super windy . And this road it's like made of like little square pieces of like stone that's . It's kind of it's weird , it's like paved that way .

Yeah , but forever and ever as far as the eyes can see , ever and ever as far as the eyes can see . But it's also going up this mountain , uh , and this mountain has like the second largest eucalyptus tree in all of portugal , so it has these massive trees overlooking like everywhere , so it's all shaded and it's just so beautiful .

And then you finally get to the top and you drive and , uh , it kind of looks like the Shining Outside . There's like all these huge mazes like grass , tall , like sort of mazes , and it's like this huge maze thing .

And then you drive around it and you get in the castle and it's completely like I don't know how much money they put into reserving it , like keeping it really beautiful .

And you go inside and the artwork , the stonework , the paintings , they're all from like originals from way , way , way back in the day , uh , and we me and my dad and , uh , his buddy , victor , uh , we sat down , had coffee and uh , it used to be like the Kings where he would eat and have brunch and have people and it's just , the ceilings are probably like

60 feet tall , um , and then I walked into another room just kind of sneaking around , and victor , he was like you can actually like you can reserve and eat here like restaurants , and sure enough , I go and I look and there's like this beautiful menu and it's just a place that like I'm absolutely gonna go back and have dinner there had you been there before

never okay , oh shit , yeah , I haven't been there before . Huh whoops , that was the whole question .

Yes , I mean , that's technically the place yes , true , yes , I was just wondering if there you know , like as reference , you know of like like I was saying , like appreciation grows as you get older and understand , and so like if it was someplace you visited as a child that you didn't fully understand and like went back to and you're like , oh , fuck man , I've

been missing out . You know what I mean ?

And so I went and did that and I lived with her awesome roommate , laura Shouts out to Laura and I was trying to find myself and trying to better myself and I thought that like , oh man , how do you better yourself in like LA , like it's just one big party kind of , but it's who you surround yourself ?

That's the only time that I've ever wanted to die and I will say that about addiction , nothing will take you back to relapse or poor mental states more than a poor relationship and so like , um , so like struggling , like with mental health and stuff like that . What do you think is like ?

I don't know , what do you think is like the the biggest thing that you could say to something that's struggling . You know , like time , right , give it time give it time .

And maybe those tools look different for other people , but for me , being in a good cycle of waking up very early going , to the gym Routine . Routine , yes , routine Doing . That is like the first part of like exercising your body , like there's , you know a thing with endorphins and shit that happens with that .

I realized that I can be out of reception in five minutes if I wanted to make that drive .

And once I started to shut off social media , starting to oh yeah , the noise , the noise , you know , um , all the , the talking , that that that people are involved with , and and I was like I'm not a part of that , I'm , I belong out here , you know , grounding myself and , um , meditating is a big thing . That . That changed my life .

Um , and my sister , I watched her get into that , uh , and and she's like my hero , I looked up to her very much and older sister , younger sister , older she's seven years older um katie perry's personal chef I was telling you yeah , uh , yeah , shouts out to dray , um , yeah , she , uh , she showed me she's been through hell and um , she's accomplished so much

, um , but she never really gets frazzled . She never really gets like over upset . She never . She never

wastes her energy on things that she doesn't need to waste them on . You know , things that make you upset , like like the social media thing .

Well , if I just turn my phone off and I go out in the mountains , then eventually it's just not going to be a part of my life and I started to kind of live by that and then meditating was kind of the next step for me .

Since I moved to this place , I've been on my own and when I start to get sad or I start to feel massive amounts of anxiety , I've developed a very gnarly anxiety that I never had before within the last year or so . But I've been able to combat that with being able to ground myself , meditating , get outside .

It's so important to get outside and get sun and vitamin D . I think nature heals us . We come from nature .

Do you think that your anxiety is like at a higher level , or do you think it's when you're with all the outside stuff , fucking with ? You , it's the outside stuff . That's how I feel too it is the outside stuff all the things and all the things that people are doing and all the things that I'm not doing .

Comparatively , like we were talking about the other day , that comparison is a thief of joy .

Yes , you know , you sit here and because we're so connected with everybody that we tend to like I don't know compare ourselves you know , like I'm not where they are , not , you know , and the internet makes it so that you can know what everybody's doing at all the points . And the internet only shows the pretty parts , you know .

It doesn't show people , you know , struggling with mental health .

It doesn't show people , you know , struggling with like day-to-day activities that might be easy for some people but , like you know , as like drug addicts , like just the bare minimum , like I was talking with Chris , like basic things like doctor appointments , like scheduling things like doctor appointments , like scheduling , like you know , all these things that are just

very simple to like regular people , like are huge feats for us and then like being able to see people doing it with such ease makes us feel insufficient in some way , shape or form , and so like , definitely like having that it's cool to be connected , but like sometimes it's not cool because it robs us of just our individual experience you know like we're too

caught up in fucking comparing ourselves to what we don't have versus what all these other people have , which what they have is probably even fictitious , because it's all fucking put on . You know it's all fake what you want people to see yeah , you know , it's all the glamorous shit when life is very unglamorous it is .

But , um , my thing now is just finding the right balance yeah , the happy medium , because you have to do what you need to to get it out there but also for your own mental well-being and health as soon as I put something out , I walk away and I don't look at anything I mean there's so many people like negatively .

my son keeps talking about how he wants to be like a youtube star , tiktok famous I'm like no , you don't . I was like , that is such a I mean like it would be phenomenal if you could .

You know land that , but I don't want you sitting there constantly worrying about what some stranger thinks about you you know , as a parent , that's the last thing that I hope I can doing .

I understand where you're coming from for this because like it's a very healthy , like spreading awareness , sharing stories and like people's triumphs and stuff like that , because it is helpful . It is nice to know you know , at the end of the day , you're not the only one struggling .

You're like hearing people's story because somebody else might relate and , you know , give them strength .

Um and like if , even if you just look at , like the suicide rates in kids and teenagers , especially in young females , uh , since social media became a thing , it's the numbers are staggering , absolutely awful uh , my kid wants a phone .

I just don't want any of that stuff that social media brings .

Eventually I'd like to get this to a point where I don't have to do it at all and people just know where to go to find it and all I have to worry about is doing this part , which I love . This is my dream right now being able to sit , talk , interview people , because I learn so much about myself .

I start to think about things I've gone through and I don't know . I feel like everybody just benefits from it . But yes , to answer your question , like what was it again something about ?

I would not be able to be , doing this right now , if I was still drinking , would not be able to do that um , so that's been a huge thing . So , yeah , not everybody needs to like , quit drinking or do anything .

You know anything to an excess , is you know not ? Fruitful Exactly Finding the balance is key .

shout out to my fantastic husband back there sleeping Obviously you for having me , my mom , because she's been an asshole , but my biggest supporter . And my beautiful children , children , and I don't know all the people that believed in me on the way when I couldn't believe in myself .

Um , obviously , on mental health , uh , an addiction , uh , sometimes things take time and you gotta give yourself grace with that and all the hard changes don't happen quickly and it takes a lot of time and application .

So , uh , I don't know , it took a lot of just going through the motions and doing the next right thing before I actually started seeing changes before I started like feeling them in myself and so , like I don't know , just give yourself grace and a big lump of time , cause I mean shit , today is gonna be a lot different in three months and if you don't wait

around to see that difference , then I don't know you're robbing yourself of opportunity . So I don't know you're robbing yourself of opportunity .