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And your friend, the Fortune Famester. It's just getting worse. You'd think it would be getting better over time. We're being polite. Yeah, we're all too polite. I'm Mae Martin. And we're handsome! Welcome to the show. Yes, we are very handsome. And we have a show. One of us is particularly handsome today.
If you're watching on YouTube. That's the only way to find out. Someone let their hair grow over the holiday break. Yes, yes. And who is it? We don't know. We don't know. You'll never know unless you watch this. We know. We know. Tig, how are you doing? I'm doing all right. I'm in, you know, I'm in Toronto. And it is snowing up a storm here. Oh, really? Do you have appropriate footwear? Good question. Let's see. Probably not. Uh-oh.
Because we know you're accident prone. Well, I was going to say, I already beat me to it. Oh, no. Yeah. I took a massive spill. A couple of days ago on set. I was going up to my trailer and my slipper slipped through the step. So my left leg went through the stairs and then I fell back the other way towards the other trailer that's across from mine. And so I have swelling and black and blue knees.
I figured, you know, I'm almost wrapping up my time in Toronto. I might as well see if I can get a little injury in there. Oh, man. Slippers are dangerous. Jax's mom slipped down our stairs and slippers and broke her foot. And were they part of your wardrobe, Tig, or were they your personal slippers? No, they're just, you know, the slippers you slip on when you're not in your space boots. Oh, right, okay. You know. They don't call them slippers for nothing, am I right?
That is definitely right. And I thought I was going to be worse off than I was because, you know, I've had back surgery. you know, flew back the other way. I was like, oh, no, here it comes. Are you limping or anything? I was limping. It's one of those things where. It hurts so bad when it happened that I couldn't put pressure on my right leg when I was trying to get back up into my trailer. And then after I kind of walked it off in my trailer and relaxed a bit, I was doing a lot better.
But then I had the full on like I was in a car accident the day before when I woke up the following day where my thumb hurt, where I must have like tried to catch my fall. My shoulder hurt, my back. So anyway, but I'm fine. It's just, it definitely felt like something that. Was about to be really terrible when it was happening. Oh, everything's better now. Yeah, there's Biggie. I felt like you needed to see Biggie. Yeah. I always need to see that little.
His eyes aren't dead. Remember when you said he had dead eyes? Look how alive those eyes are. I don't remember you saying that, Tig, but it sounds like something. The eyes are alive with the sounds of Biggie. I was going to say our son, Linus, but it's our cat who I call Little Sun. Oh my gosh, that is torturous. Look how gorgeous he is. I think he is a gorgeous dog. I think he's maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. I feel like there's not a lot going on.
Behind those. What? Don't even finish that sentence. Okay. There's so much going on. But they remind me of my son Linus's eyes. Yeah. I mean. Right. Just makes them all the cuter. If there's not much going on back there, it's like, oh, how dare you with that face? I don't like a cat that looks like it's... Plotting something, you know, plotting to kill you. I feel like a lot of cats are plotting something. Yeah. Not Linus. No. Not Linus. He has no plan for anything except snacks.
and some little rubbies on his head. Aww. Fortune, what are you up to? I've been busy. My special came out, you know, a bit ago. Yes. Congrats again and always and forever. Thank you. If you haven't watched it, Crushing It on Netflix, it was super cool. It was in the top 10 on Netflix for a while. That's crazy. That made me really proud. And yeah, so my whole December up until the holidays was like constant press and promotion. Yeah. So.
Do you find yourself saying the same sentences over and over? Like you get self-conscious because people are asking you the same questions and you're like, yeah, mix up what I'm saying. And yeah, because it's just, you know, you're just like, I don't know. I worked really hard on it. Just watch it. Yeah. I know. I've had people call me out on saying the same thing in press. Really? Yeah. And I'm like.
This isn't my fault. I'm being asked the same questions and that is the answer to the question. Right. I did hear a lot from our handsome listeners because I had two little handsome Easter eggs in the special. Yeah, you did. Right off the top, keeping it handsome. And then Pretty Little Lady. Pretty Little Lady. Are you guys invested in the Wicked press tour? I'm...
Very invested. I watched the movie. Did you go see it? No, I haven't seen it yet, but I've loved, you know, the thing that's gone viral is I think it's Ariana Grande holding. holding the finger and saying i'm holding space for for alphabet or something like that and they're and they're really tearful it just seems it's been a very emotional press tour yeah and the level of earnestness surrounding
The story of these witches. I know the interviewer, Tracy, who interviewed them and said, and it went viral a couple weeks ago, like. where Tracy was very earnest, like you said, interviewing them, saying, you know, people are really holding space for this movie. And they were like, thank you so much. And they kind of looked at each other.
ariana and cynthia and like started holding hands and then ariana started like tapping cynthia's fingers and and then cynthia looked emotional and then they were like oh my god that's so amazing i didn't know that that's so And then Tracy's like, I'm in the queer media. And then they're like, oh, oh, my gosh, that's so amazing. Well, it came out afterwards. They did an interview on that interview and basically said.
And I was like, I didn't know what that meant. And then Cynthia was like, I didn't know what it meant. And then why? They're like, we just thought like it felt big and serious. So we needed to treat it that way. No way. And then Cynthia, who is, who is queer. It felt big and serious. Cynthia was like, I didn't even know like what queer media was. Am I in the queer media? Cool. Oh my God. That's so funny. It was so funny just seeing this, them reflect on.
making something so big that no one really understood wait okay so tell me tell me something really like banal but but as if it's big and serious and then i'll react like it's big and serious May your hair, now that it's brown, has made all of us hold that. in our hearts in a way that we didn't know it would and has meant something to us that I can't really put into words. Right, Tig? And I just want to...
I want to thank you so much for the bravery that it took to say that. And I want to hold that in my heart. And I really want to. Yeah. And you TIG as well. Yeah. Let's not exclude TIG. We want it to be inclusive of everyone. Yeah. You know, I wasn't as funny as I thought I would be, but Fortune really rose to the occasion. Oh, was this a bit? Yeah, this was a bit, but... Oh, because I thought we were like... Yeah, I was like, I'm on board. He was holding space for your hair.
I have a question. Is it Ariana or Ariana? I thought it was Ariana. I thought it was Ariana. It's Pontes. Thomas, can you look up her name? Because... Stephanie said Ariana the other day and I was like, oh, it's Ariana. And then they just said Ariana. I'm pretty sure it's Ariana. Did I say Ariana? Yeah.
The interviewer, Tracy, who's really awesome and does a really phenomenal job with interviews. You guys have probably been interviewed by her at some point. She's really embraced it too and has even done like. some sponsored ads with it. I'm like, you go. That is unbelievable. I just love that everyone's having fun with it.
There's t-shirts like holding space and it's a picture of two fingers holding a finger. It's yeah. I love it. Is that true? Yeah. I like it when we realize we all like have the same sense of humor as a species, you know? Well, Ariana was even like, I don't even know why I started tapping your fingers. Just you look like you were about to cry. So I just wanted to be there.
But that movie was phenomenal. I went with my mom right before the holidays, and I loved the stage version as well. It's been a while since I'd seen it, but I just thought they just nailed it. The movie. It was long, but I was invested the whole time. And literally during Defying Gravity, my jaw, I didn't realize was like open. No. The whole scene. Was Jax not with you? Jax hates musicals. Of course. She said, go with God, please. Go with your mother and enjoy. Stephanie took Max and Finn.
Did they lose their minds? Stephanie lost her mind. Max was very into it. Finn was, I guess, slow to come around to it. liked it. Yeah. That's great. Stephanie said she wants to go see it again and wants me to go with her. So. I did an improv show with Stephanie the other night. And one of the suggestions for the scene was like a May Martin biopic or something. So Stephanie comes in as an actor playing me in a biopic.
And just sort of eviscerates me with her impersonation of me. It was so funny. She started doing this crab walk. Like this really jittery little like crab sideways walk. And it was like having to look at myself. I was like, oh, wow. Yeah, I'm a crab. I'm a crab. It was very funny. I think she said that show was really fun. That was super fun. Yeah. Are you glad to be back and doing the Largo shows again?
Oh, man. So glad. Yeah. Largo is the best. Those shows are the best. Yeah. But all the all the questions in the question bucket are like because maybe people listen to this podcast and they like follow. So there's a lot of questions about the pod being and then there's a lot of like. are you okay? How are you? What's going on? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right. You know, lifting weights and crying, you know, I'm doing a lot of paintings of animals. I'm, I'm painting a lot of, um,
Animals of all kinds. And I found that very healing. But otherwise, no, I'm good. You're good. All right. Watching. Tom Cruise movies. I told Tig about this on a mini episode. I've been watching a lot of like cocktail days of thunder. Oh, yeah. The classics. And yesterday I went to Pomona with my friend Joe and I did two. Escape room? Yep. You got it. You could saw it. I knew it. Two horror escape rooms. And one of them had a mad scientist in it, which.
I feel like they used to be around a lot and they're not around as much, but it was, he was, he had no, they're more kind of pulled together now. Now they're just billionaires. Yeah. That's true. Now they're... No, there was this... And he was a blind... uh, murdering scientists and he would come in the room and you had to freeze and stay really still. And he'd like feel around for you. And if he got you, he was going to stab you with a syringe. It was an actual person. Yes.
It was so scary. What's happening in Pomona? A lot is happening. I love that you drive to go to these escape rooms. May doesn't drive. May takes a black SUV Uber. It has been over. Our podcast is now a minute in. We're, what, a year in change. Well, we made it past April, yeah. We did make it past April. You said at the beginning of this pod you were learning to drive. What's happening? Oh, yeah. Well, not to make excuses, but I... Let's hear it.
In order to start my lesson. Yeah, let's see what you got. My internet went down, so I couldn't. Yeah, but it's past 10 a.m. 10.30, come back on. take the lessons again. I need my learner's permit, which I have and I wrote the test and everything, but I've lost it. So I have reordered one from the DMV and it takes weeks to arrive and I'm waiting on it. And then you better believe I'm going to be zooming around.
I really want you to 25 to be the year of you driving and driving well. Yes. Well, a psychic told me that 2025 was going to be a year of big growth. exploration for me and that 2026 was going to be nesting and being happy. There you go. Guess how you, um, uh, explore, uh, with a car or drive. Oh. God dang it. How do you explore with it? Oh, yeah. With a car. Yeah.
Driving, exploring. You drive to uncharted. I mean, orgies too, I guess. Car orgies. I could drive to an orgy. You have to drive to an orgy? Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check to make sure that restaurant's hot sauce is not too hot before you cover it all over in your food.
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No, that's true. It's just your house key. No one's ever invited me to an orgy. I'll invite you. Oh, I can watch? I don't want to participate. You can sit on the sidelines. Wait, Fortune, you do not? You don't want to participate in an orgy? No, Tig. You and Josh can definitely come and watch. This is a lights off, buddy. You always say that. I'm not telling you. Let's say we turn the lights out. Then would you get like, no, I still, I can't. You're a little interested.
But Jax definitely would want to come, I think. And would she want to be a part of it or she wants to just watch? I don't know. Do you think this podcast would survive if... You and Jax and you and Stephanie came and sat in sofas and watched me have an orgy. Would we recover? We would have a lot to talk about on the podcast. And honestly, worth it.
Yeah, we would have a lot of wealth of material. It'd be like, now, what was going on when that happened? I have terrible eyesight. So I would be like, what was that? Was that an elbow? What just went up in the air? Tig, would you come watch? Would I watch what? May have an orgy? Yeah. Wait, I want to clarify. I don't actually want either of you to come watch.
yeah right now you're no fun yeah right i thought 2025 was gonna be fun wait i feel like we're playing chicken because if you're like no i actually want to then i'll probably be like yeah okay but okay then i feel like i'd like to go but i can't promise I'm not going to heckle. Yeah, that's true. It would be heckling. What would you be doing? I think I'd be sweating on a couch. So nervous. Like I'm seeing something I shouldn't be seeing.
Maybe we'll put you guys behind a two-way mirror. Yeah, and y'all don't know we're there. This feels like a big setup for an orgy that should unfold naturally. Oh, I got a great idea. May's having an orgy. Fortune and I are in the horse costume. We clomp in. And no one notices us. And Thomas is riding the horse. Oh, my God. Nothing to see here.
We've got everything organized except I just need to find people to have an orgy with now. I don't think that's going to be a problem. Yeah. Don't you think, Tig? Yeah, I think you're going to get a good roundup. I don't know. Do you feel like this is in your future? People are coupled up, you know, people. That doesn't seem to stop anyone in L.A. Yeah, there's couples that spin loose for that kind of thing. Everyone's just spinning loose around here. Okay, well.
I'll surprise you when you show up. It'll be a surprise roster. Okay. May lives in a whole different world than us. No, I don't. This is a fictional. It's a fictional world. But it could happen. Really, I'm doing paintings of animals. Will you let us know if it does? I'm not saying to invite us. We probably won't be invited. I'm saying to invite us. But will you at least let us know if it happens? I feel like I'm going to invite you and then I'm going to...
You're going to say to other people, oh my God, I was just joking. And then I got an earnest invite to an orgy from May. It was on evite.com. Yeah. We got an evite to an orgy. And it's like, please respond. Please let us know. We need to know how many, how much snacks to buy. for an orgy gosh 2025 is already off to a great start great start i'm excited for you may thank you well i've got i've got a
I've got an album tour coming up. I'm doing like... You have an album tour and an orgy coming up? Whoa, this is a lot. Would you take the orgy on the road? You mean like as a show? Wait a minute. Who is your dream orgy group? Oh, good. That's a great question. I knew it was as soon as my pea brain dug it up.
Yes, you both have to also answer and you can't do this. The two people that are not even remotely interested in an orgy have to. You have to answer and you can't go, well, I don't know. It might take me a while to answer this. Jen Aniston, Sandy Bullock, Charlize. It's Theron. It takes like Carrie Russell. I used to call her Charlize Theron, but it's Theron. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was. oh yeah yeah i heard her say her own name i was like oh those three probably don't want me in it but
Again, I can sit on a couch and watch. They're like, oh, fortune. Hi. What are you doing here? We were just having a friendly orgy. I'm eating a charcuterie and just enjoying my time. Well, you know, you can't say charcuterie. Without cooter. Dream orgy. Okay, I'm going a young Robert Plant. Oh, okay. In his tight pants. Penelope Cruz. Young Javier Bardem. That España passion. Yeah. Pig's Faces. Is what? Is what? Scary Spice?
In the 90s? Mid-90s Scary Spice? Melanie? You don't want Current Scary Spice? Or Mel. Or Current. All three witches from Hocus Pocus. Is there a cutoff with how many can get in? This seems like a lot. Remember when I was saying you have to have a big house? You're like, no, you just need a king-sized bed. That's a lot. That is a lot of people. You'd be surprised. That's sort of part of it, I think.
Living room. I don't know where it happens. Okay. Hocus Pocus is there. I'm leaving them off. So I'm going to stick with for now in this particular moment, young Robert Plant, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scary Spice. But how do we get someone back in time? Like Abe Lincoln? Yeah. How do we get Abe? Oh, I did just see Oh Mary on Broadway. So funny. Was it amazing? Yeah. It's about.
A made up version of Abe Lincoln and Mary Lincoln Todd. It's so good. Cole is like unbelievable. Anyway. Is her name Mary Lincoln Todd? Wasn't that? It's not Mary Todd Lincoln? Probably. Todd Lincoln Mary. I've got orgies on the brain. I can't be accurate. I wasn't trying to correct you. I truly was, I, you know, I barely have education. She's like, I'll marry you, but I'm keeping my, I'm really progressing.
in the mid-1800s here. Who's your orgy roster, Tig? I had to think about it, too. But you're not really a celeb person. So this is tough for you. Like you're not. Oh, so this is all celebs. Well, I've gone with celebs. I mean, what are we going to do? Be like, and my Janice. Yeah. My friend Brad. Yeah. It's going to be Jen Edison and then old Janice over there. Yeah, I definitely got to get Christopher from next to you on the bus.
And then the barista in our neighborhood. For me, it's weird because, yes, I think people are attractive. I think Keri Russell is attractive. Word is out. Do I think she's sexy? I don't know. You know, it's like I have to meet people to find out if they're sexy. Oh, man, that's so true. Yeah, I don't find people sexy just because they're beautiful.
Yes. Agreed. Agreed. I probably said this, but when I went to the, this, like I was a plus one at some fancy gala thing and it was like all the objectively most beautiful people in the world, but everyone was just. I don't know. No one had any vibes or good banter. Everyone was so on edge. And I'm not saying Keri Russell doesn't have vibes. She seems delightful. She rides her bike to work. Okay, I'm all in.
Yeah, I was a long distance cyclist. But you mean you can't just say based on looks because you might be really turned off. You start talking to them and they're just like heard. Yeah. So I guess it's, let's see, for my orgy so far, it's me and Carrie Russell. I have met all three of mine and they're, they seem pretty great. Yeah. Even if they don't have an orgy, if we could just have dinner.
Yeah. Yeah. Can I get your number? Maybe we could have some fun texting or something. I don't know. We just had a hot chocolate together. Could you acknowledge me if you saw me? Yep. I'll take that. Yeah, I don't know who I think is. I mean, yeah, Pitbull. Pitbull. Pitbull. Pitbull, Carrie Russell. This is the wildest. Mr. Worldwide is invited? Why not? I'm sure Carrie's into Pitbull. I don't want a wiener in mine. Well, I mean...
I'm just, you know, just to have him there because I have to fill space because I have to act like I find other people attractive outside of Kerry Russell. So I'm like, sure, let's bring in Pitbull. Yeah. He's like. Dolly. And he's like, why is Tig in here? Yeah, what if he tries to take over or mansplain? Tig won't let him. You just got to lay down the law. Because I'm going to have a mustache on.
He's not going to know what's up. He'd be really relieved, I think, to have someone take control. I think deep down he probably just doesn't want to have to be Pitbull all the time. I think Jack should come to my orgy too. Who? Jack, she would like this. Okay, I have an addition to the orgy. Okay. I used to have a full-blown crush on Drew Barrymore. Okay. And she just feels like somebody.
You just got to throw in the orgy. Yeah. Cause she's so fun. Yeah. And she talks really close. Yeah. She's intense. She's fun. Yeah. And so it's like, sure. All right. It's me pit bull drew bear. Drew Barrymore would be the one that's like, okay, you guys, this is what needs to happen. Like Drew would be kind of like planning things. I feel like she'd be also good at like aftercare.
After the orgy, you should be checking in. How's everyone doing? Yeah. Did you guys have a good time? Yeah. So how's my orgy looking? It's looking pretty hot. The Pitbull's still throwing me off. Pitbull's throwing you off? I'm into it. I know you're into it. Why does Pitbull throw you off? He's obviously the hottest guy. He's obviously the hottest guy.
That's not what I expected from you. I will say I have met him back in the day when I did Chelsea Lightly, and he does smell really, really good. He looks like he would. Like expensive cologne. He smelled. Amazing. So you think he's going to put on cheap cologne? I did not know. I know for a fact he's not going to put on cheap cologne. Do you guys like when people wear perfume and cologne or do you find it like overwhelming? I love it, but I like it.
I'm not into perfume. I'm not into perfume. I like a nice cologne. Yes, same. I like a man with cologne. I'm not terribly crazy about. perfume okay you both hate women some of them have some perfumes have that like old lady musty yeah that's closet what are you saying about old ladies i love old ladies you've heard me talk about betty white Why isn't she in your bed? She's dead. You could throw a corpse in there. She would have toted in there with her vodka and her hot dogs.
That's all you need for an orgy is vodka and hot dogs. She had a hot dog every day and drank a vodka. do you really believe those like that's really like every day she had a hot dog she probably had one at least once at least every week every time somebody asks an old person how How did you live this long? It's like, I had whiskey and I smoked a cigar before bed and I never took a walk.
Yeah. And it's like, okay. That's true. Meanwhile, I'm over here eating everything green and then I fall off my stairs into my trailer. Your slipper. The start of a new year is the perfect time to get organized, set goals, and prioritize what matters most. For me, a top priority is my financial wellness, which feels more important than ever. Thanks to Rocket Money, my goals feel achievable.
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Me too. Surprise. I'm so excited about our questioner today. She is one of my favorite actresses. Today's question asker is an actress best known for playing Shay on Transparent. Tracy in the hit movie Hustlers and the titular role in Monica, which is if you haven't seen Monica, it's so beautiful. It's such an amazing performance. And she was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for that.
She's also very funny and a talented musician, an advocate, an activist for the trans community. Trace Lizette is asking today's question. Nice. Hey, anthems. What's a pet peeve for you on a date? Got right down to it with that question. I know. No messing around. Just right. No. Trace. Trace doesn't play. I love Trace. I love always running into each other at parties and we always laugh. Thanks for the act out. I don't like when people order soup as a starter.
Like it feels weird to be putting all this liquid in your stomach and then you just start dropping a solid into the liquid and splooshing it around. I don't know. Wow. It used to be bigger. Wow, May. Like in the 90s, everyone was ordering a carrot soup to start. And then now, thank God, it's fallen out of fashion. What if it's cold outside?
Then have a soup with some toast, sure, but don't have a starter. There's something about it that freaks me out. And then I don't like when people don't ask you any questions about yourself. It's the worst. Like, what would you want people to ask you? Oh, God. About aliens, about... childhood trauma, you know, whatever, anything. But it is amazing. You want to get to the childhood trauma right away? Well, the childhood trauma is why there are aliens. What do you mean?
Oh, my God. What you just said actually cut to the core of my whole psychology. Wait, Tig. What you just said. If you have childhood trauma. Then you're asking about aliens. Yeah, then you probably. like that's why i fixate on weird existential oh my god you're so you just effortlessly Years of therapy. I don't need anymore. You're so right. It's escapism. Oh my God. Escape rooms. You're always trying to get out. Yeah. Interesting.
Oh, fuck. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I want. Childhood trauma on the first date seems like a lot to me. I mean, let's say trauma with a small s. Like I like a guy. told me that with a small s or a small t oh wait yeah where'd i get the s For small. Trauma with a small ass, yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, small team trauma. We were on one today. A guy told me that when he was five, he traveled from...
Ireland to United States, and he was living there with his family for a year, and he'd never seen snow before. And he was so excited. And he kind of thought he had a rapport with his bus driver. And it was the first time he was getting on a yellow school bus like, like that, you know, he'd just moved to the States.
And so he found this big icicle and he thought, I'm going to give this to the bus driver. He's my buddy. He's five years old and he's so excited. He's got this big icicle and he gets on the bus and he's like, I got this for you. And the bus driver just. takes it and throws it into the garbage beside him and starts the bus. And it's like that was a defining moment for him where his innocence died and he was excited about something and then an adult kind of crushed his spirit.
And to me, that story is a big aphrodisiac. Really? Yeah, I want to know those types of stories on a date. Especially if you can tell it funny. Yeah. I'm really just thinking about what you're saying because it's been a while since I've had a... First kind of, I'm thinking like more first dates, you know, or early dates. Yeah. And that's been a really long time. I like to know those little specific moments from people's lives that are really specific. I do like.
I like to learn that stuff too, as we go. But I think if someone were to share all of that, like first or second date, it would be a red flag for me. Right. If they went immediately into trauma. I would be like, this is going to be. like a trauma bonding situation right where we're gonna be feeding off each other's like neuroses and stuff you know where we're not like it's not the healthiest match
Well, the main thing I want to do is escape rooms and stuff. But yeah, I guess if first date, if someone gets the drink and sits down at the table and is like, well, when I was five, I found this icicle. He'd be like, yeah. But I will tell you in my early 30s. That was way more appealing to me, those kind of things. You know what I mean? What, trauma bonding? Mm-hmm. I just don't like small talk that much. I just want to get past. You just want to get to the real stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
I get that. I mean, it's really nice to like immediately be able to start connecting with somebody. And yeah, it's funny. A comedian friend's wife, I would say maybe right off would not be. who somebody would pair me with in a friendship. And I was always so kind of fascinated by, um, how drawn to her I was, like when I'd see her at parties and run into her. And Stephanie was like, I know why, because she doesn't do any small talk.
Like as soon as you see her, she dives right in and she gets into conversation. Yeah. love that and i was like oh you're right because i was like what is it about this woman that is like like when i see her at a party i'm like oh my god i can't wait to talk to her yeah And yeah, small talk is really tough for me. Same, same. Y'all want to, y'all want to dig into it right away.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you enjoy small talk fortune? I like digging in too. I just like building up to it. Okay. But I do like getting, I do like it when you get past the small talk. And you've reached a point where you can be real with the person for sure. And maybe it depends on the person. There are some people, I guess you could have like some kind of deep thing with right off the bat and be like, whoa, that was cool.
But then there are other times where it's a red flag. You know what I mean? Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you don't know the person at all and it is like a first date with somebody. that you really don't know, then it is nice to be like, okay, and so how's the job going? And how's the family? And what did you do this weekend? Sure. Yeah. But after you've, I don't know, met somebody, hung out, gone out two or three times, I don't know. I feel like. Start digging in.
I would want to. I get that. Do you have other pet peeves on dates? Even on a friendship date, like people being rude to waiters is a big one. that would suck yeah yeah just seeing it if they're just like a mean-spirited person that would not be yeah mean-spirited isn't a turn-on no i had one thing happen
I early on of the dating apps or whatever, I didn't do many of those, but I, I was having a hard time meeting people. So I, I joined one of those dating sites and I. match with somebody and we had like a couple of exchanges back and forth i was like oh they seem she seems cool i think you know um but especially in line you kind of like want to let that unfold for a minute
Yeah. And the day we chat like this on the same day that we just started chatting, she invites me to come hang out with her and her family. No. And sends me a picture of all of them in a hot tub. No. And says, do you want to come hang out with my family and I? In a hot tub? Oh, my God. I think I deleted the app. Right away? Oh, my God. That's insane. You didn't go over in that wig, the blonde wig you wore? Brenda. Brenda would have gone. I swear to God.
But it scared me so bad, I legit erased the app. Yeah, red flag, red flag. That was a lot for me. So things like that, I guess, is what I'm saying. Jarring. I went out for coffee with this girl before I had met Stephanie. And it was like an afternoon coffee. And afterwards, she texted me immediately after. you know, basically loved having coffee with you. I'm like, okay, great. And then I had told her I had a show that night.
Uh-huh. And she texted me, you know. No. Good. You hope you have a good show. Okay. And I was like, oh, okay. Thanks. This is somebody like I did not know, just only had a coffee with. And had you responded to these takes? Yeah, I was just like, oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. And then that night. At 11 o'clock. Oh, no. I get a text saying sweet dreams. Oh, no. Which all of those three things are very nice to do.
But to somebody you know, not after a first coffee, I don't think. I mean, maybe people are listening going, you're a terrible person. But like, even if it was. I feel like that's the second time you hang out with somebody because you've clearly decided, oh, I'm going to go ahead and and see them again. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And but I was I was like. And then that's what actually fed into what was funny when Stephanie and I ran into each other and the movie we had done was going to Sundance.
And we exchanged numbers and I wasn't thinking she was into me. I just said, just so you know, I'm not like great on text, you know? Yeah. And, and she said, Oh, me neither. And then I told her that story. I said, oh, I think it was like yesterday or the day before I had gone out with that girl. And I said in this and that happened. So I'm like, you know. And again, I wasn't telling her because I thought she was into me. I was just like, just heads up. And then that night.
At 11 o'clock, I got a text from Stephanie that said, sweet dreams. That's so funny. That is funny. Yeah. And so I was like, well, that is a home run. Yeah. It's so funny how that works with different people, you know? Yeah. Well, because there's a sense of humor there. This person was so earnestly like, I loved having coffee.
or that was nice or whatever she said that was, I was like, Oh, you know, and at first I was like, Oh yeah, that was nice. Thanks. And, and then I'm about to go and say, have a, you know, uh, But it sounds like I don't like to be told. No, no, I totally understand what you meant. The three texts combined. From a stranger that I never wanted to see again. That was the other thing I should add in.
Talk about Jen Aniston. She looked like Jen Aniston. She was obviously a knockoff version of Jen, but I called this girl Textifer Aniston. Texted for Aniston. Texted for Aniston. But yeah, when it's the right person that you enjoy back and forth with. You need a sense of humor. I recently on a dating app, someone said.
tell me about yourself and so i was like well i'm a massive trump supporter and i was obviously joking like they yeah yeah and they were like wow um i just need to check that you're joking about that i don't know they'd already said that they'd like watched my special and stuff so i was like oh come on yeah yeah yeah give a little give a little sauce you know that it's very awkward when
The sense of humor is off. Yeah. Like, were you interested in this girl? I don't know. Like, were you thinking, oh, she's attractive? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I was, I was open to it. Yeah. But then I was like, nah, it's too bad. I don't know. I don't know what my pet peeve is. Is that a pet peeve, maybe, what I said? Yeah, what you said counts. It was a specific thing that happened.
But yeah, I mean, too much too soon, you know, when you don't really know the vibe yet, there's a turn off for sure. I'm still thinking about when Tig said that. It's the aliens are because of the childhood trauma. Did you see that my, yeah, my facial reaction to that? It was like. I really like it. I'm going to go think about it and journal about it. I thought it was just quirky.
No, no, no. You're not quirky at all, child. At all. At all, child. Can we hear what... What Trace has to say? Yeah. Let's do it. I've got it, Lise. Ten, but here's two. One, and this is for friends, too. I just don't like when people chew and try to talk, chew their food and try to talk at the same time. I'm like... Bobbing and weaving. Bobbing and weaving. Because I'm catching collateral damage. Specifically to a date, though. Well, maybe this is after the date.
If you're watching a movie, I guess you could be in the movie theater. If you're watching a movie and there's a beautiful hot actress on the screen. It's a given that she's hot. I don't really need you to articulate how hot she is to me because that's a buzzkill. Like if I'm curled up in your armpit. I don't need you to go on about how beautiful Anne Hathaway is. I know they're hot.
Of course they're fucking hot. I don't want to feel, I want to feel my fantasy. I'm feeling my Joj right now. I'm in your armpit feeling like the doll. Let me feel like the doll. Please. I know they're hot. They're beautiful. Sunny. Gorgeous. See, Trace makes me laugh.
And so is that a buzzkill for you if somebody says that they think somebody else is hot? That kind of thing did happen to me back in the day a couple times. Really? Where I thought I was asking someone on a date and then they showed up with a date. That's another level of fortune. I got this group together to go watch an outdoor movie in Pasadena. This is like way back in the day.
I thought this girl was kind of cute and we were just kind of starting to get to know each other through like some, I think it was like one of those sports leagues I met her. Classic. And I was like, oh, a group date would be. you know, because we don't really know each other. And I invited her thinking I was inviting her on a date. And I guess she decided that that did sound like a great date night.
So she invited a date. Oh, my God. So I provided her with this amazing first date situation. Oh, my God. And so do you think she didn't know? Clearly. She must have not known. She must have not known. Clearly. I was like, well, I'm glad you, and I were checking, like, are you guys having fun? And how well did you know her, and how... Not super well. Uh-huh.
And did it totally ruin your whole night or were you like, this is hilarious? I think I was like, this is hilarious because it was so absurd that like, how, how can you just sit there and stew? Because I was like, of course. Yeah. It's also interesting when somebody that you're into shares who they're into and then it's confusing. Oh, I've had that happen as well. Gender wise for me, like dating often straight women. And they're like, my type is kind of like.
denzel washington or like gerard butler and i'm like uh-huh cool but on a date um like you knew it was a date yeah yeah or like like trace was saying if you're like watching a movie with someone you're dating you're like yeah but then but i'm into it i kind of i see it as a fun challenge i kind of i yeah i what i don't like is feeling like i can't
say I think someone else is hot like I think you gotta let that pressure gas get out yeah yeah Stephanie made a really interesting point where I was like oh yeah that's that's right because I was sitting around with a group of friends, and everybody was talking about who their celebrity crush was. And then, you know, it was kind of a mixed room of, oh, we don't go into that in our relationship.
Or other people are like, oh, yeah, we openly talk about that. And when I told Stephanie when I got home, she said, oh, well, you know, this was what mainly all women sitting around. She said. She said if there was a straight man in the group being like, I think Pamela Anderson's hot. Stephanie was like, it takes it to a serious like. Oh, really? That's what she said. And I thought, oh, I can see that. I don't know. For some reason, she was like, if it's a bunch of lesbians sitting around going.
sandy bullock and you know whoever it feels not as serious it feels safer somehow like yeah and then if like a guy was sitting there and he's like yeah i really like pam anderson i'd be into it But yeah, I know what you mean. Like it suddenly seems like. It's not like a fun off in the distance thing. It's like, oh, that's who you're thinking about a lot in your downtime.
Which I thought I just thought it was really interesting. Yeah. But I have had moments where when somebody tells me who they're into or who they're who they were just dating or who they just hooked up with or something where I'm like. You're like, really? What's the thread here? The common denominator. I'm confused. I'm confused. Yeah. I'm going to step back. I don't know where I fit into this equation. When someone's like, I have a crush on.
Robin Hood from the Disney movie, The Fox, and you're like, okay, how do I live up to that? I just appreciated when we both knew we were on a date together. That's all Fortune's looking for. That was my baseline. Yeah. We're on a date, right? Yeah. That's funny. Well, this has been an absolute treat. Good times. Absolutely, it has. I feel like I learned a lot of new things about you guys today. Ditto. Ditto. We're slowly unlocking the mysteries of each other's soul. Yeah, we are.
I can't wait for these stories that are going to happen later on in the year when you drive to some orgy. Oh, right. Well, you'll be there. So I won't need to tell you. Do you think you would maybe get a van or a station wagon and pick everyone up for the orgy? Sure. And you could do your horn sound effect as I pull up outside. Guys, also. That could be something where a lot of money can be made is like Uber orgy. Uber orgy or an orgy bus. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.
Anyway, well, that's our episode. It was a particularly sort of horny and emotional episode. Yeah, it was. God, we really go deep. So emotional. It was such an emotional episode. Oh my gosh. Listen, handsomes and pretty little ladies and pretty little ladies and handsome ladies. anybody with ears that can hear us or even not um nashville and austin we are coming at you in april go to handsomepod.com for merch and um
Tickets. Get your tickets. We will be having a grand old time. I know that for sure. The live shows are so, so fun. Yeah. I can't wait. Yeah, I really can't wait. The freaking Ryman. Oh, man, the freaking Ryman. And Bass Concert Hall. I mean. Amazing theaters. Yeah. I'm going to be at Largo January 13th. And other than that, keep streaming, crushing it, a fortune special. I would appreciate that. Thank you.
For sure. Keep crushing it. Yeah, crushing it's on Netflix, my latest stand-up special. Check that out. I'm going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena January 24th and 25th doing new material. the Ontario Improv in California, February 7th and 8th in Oxnard, California. Just working out new stuff for my next tour, which starts in April and all of that. New tour is on sale at my website, fortunefeemster.com. Oxnard is such a beautiful name.
Yeah. And I'm dipping in and out of shows in L.A. and Toronto working on new stuff. And every time I do a show, it doesn't mean I'm doing. new stuff every new time I'm on stage. That's difficult. Yes. I've had people tell me that they've come to see me in Toronto a handful of times and I'm like, Please don't do that to yourself. Because when a comedian's working on new material, it doesn't mean you get a whole new hour every night. No. Yeah.
Yeah. Just to clarify, but I do appreciate people coming out and repeat folk. Watch how it develops. Yeah. And watch how it doesn't develop. Yeah. Watch how it slowly unrolls. Yes. Um, and, uh, make sure to subscribe and follow the podcast. Send your favorite episode to a friend, a family member, an enemy rate review us. And, um, Until next time, I mean, shucks. Keep it handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hate gun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.
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Hi, I'm Caleb Heron, host of the So True podcast, now on HeadGum. Every week, me and my guests get into it, and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test.
their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Afualo or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it, great. And if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts. Pocket Casts or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Herron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.