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co-host of the podcast. And we also have somebody else who is, I mean. At the moment. Gun show going on over here. Go to YouTube. It's Portia Feaster. Fortune, you are really showing off your guns there. Guns meaning arms, muscular arms. Go to YouTube. Part of it's just my jacket. I'm also showing off my headset once again. I love it. I love to see it. This is 911. What's your emergency? Please, I dropped, I spilled something.
I can't understand what you're saying. Could you please? I feel like 911 operators should be answering like, hello, 911. Just to kind of like join in on your panic and they're so calm. It's so condescending almost. The most infuriating ones, though, is when someone's like, there's someone in the next room. He's got a gun. And they're like, what? What's happening? Yeah. The guy in the next room with a gun.
ma'am you're gonna have to calm down i can't those oh yeah that's why they should answer being oh god he is he's in the other room oh my do you know him oh jeez i don't know what you should do but is there a bed you can get
under you know just complete and utter panic oh my god what a tough job who wants that no i don't want it home intruders is really scary yeah but i mean yeah i mean is there anyone that's like no it's no i kind of like this oh this old guy come on in or this gaggle of guys oh god i'm
just gonna assume it's a man yeah i watched the um this horror movie called the strangers and it was basically just a nightmare it was that it was just a couple in a house and then two people breaking in it was horrific But I did a really good prank on my friends during it. Oh, yeah? Did I tell you this already? I'm not sure. I can't keep up with those pranks. I'll give it a whirl.
We were at an Airbnb in Big Bear in the middle of the forest. Everyone spooked out already and we were watching this spooky movie. And me and my friend were in on it. There were about seven people there. And so I had my friend save my number in her phone. as Mike Airbnb owner. So then we were watching this horror movie. And then I text secretly. Hi, Ali, I saw that you rented a movie on my Amazon account. Bad behavior, period.
And then she was like, guys, I just got this weird message from the Airbnb owner. And so she responds. Everyone's like, oh, just say you'll add it to the bill. She goes, oh, sorry about that, Mike. Just add it to our bill, please. And I wrote back, good girl, period.
No. Creepy, right? Good girl. He said, good girl, what? And everyone's like, wow, that's so gross. And then I said, my brother and I really, this property is really important to my brother. And I started talking about me and my brother. And then everyone is screaming. And then I was like, I would pack it up the car. Yes. And I was saying, like, have you locked the windows and doors? And then I sent a photograph of two skeletons watching a movie.
And I said, that is mean. I said, me and my brother are watching a movie too. And when did you reveal that it was? Well, what happened was. this guy the reveal no this friend of ours got so stressed out that he he grabbed ali's phone he said i'm gonna i'm gonna text him from my number and say this is so inappropriate you're messaging you know and so he
He starts inputting the number in his phone, and then as he put the number in, my name came up. Oh, hilarious. I thought Good Girl was really inspired. That is creepy. That's disgusting. But it could be real. Yeah, for sure. That would be a good thing in a movie, in a scary movie. Do you think? Yeah, you should write one because you like scary stuff. I know you're...
Your Netflix show has that bend to it like a thriller. It's spooky. You should write a full-on scary movie. Like a slasher movie? If the three of us were in one. With lesbians and... gay folks drag queens all the all the good stuff you should do a movie based on a mad libs oh my god i get the plot of the movie via mad lib yeah by just inputting I mean, that's it. You just fill in Mad Libs and then you write the movie. It's like a group of people are in a blank.
Stinky house. Who do you think would survive in a slasher situation at a remote Airbnb out of the three of us? Me. Yeah, I knew that before I even finished the sentence. I knew that was the truth. You know why? Here's my secret to survival. If somebody were to attack me. I would just get on my back. I'd get on the ground, get on my back and just start kicking my legs. Nobody can get to me. Wait, that's really good. Just flailing about. Just kicking my leg. Just problem solved.
But now I've announced it to the world. I know, they're going to know that that's coming. Yeah, everybody knows how to get out of a slasher film. How to live through it. That's really good. Not your hands. I know, but your hands would be doing something too, right? No, they'd be like behind my head, just relaxing. Just legs. You're not even fighting anyone off your face. No.
You guys both have strong legs because you got... Oh, yeah. I got very strong legs. Yeah. Oh, man. Maybe Fortune would live through this. I do have some sexy legs. Yeah. If we're... Giving ourselves a pat on the back for anything? A pat on the calf. Yeah, pat my calf. It's rock hard. Can that be somebody's drag queen name? Pat my calf. Pat my calf.
I got some gams. And you're not scared to use them. I'm not afraid to use them. No, I will. I've never thought about laying down and flailing my legs about, but good work. Oh, for sure. Did you guys ever with a sibling or like... you're sitting on a couch with your feet facing each other so your backs are again and you're just kicking each other and kicking each other's feet but your max and finn were just doing that last night before bed you know what that gives me
that makes me I'm like okay it still happens siblings are still just pounding each other we never knew that My brothers would just like punch me in the stomach and move on. Baseball that to the stomach. Did you ever get any good clubbing in? Oh, yeah. We would fight like fistfights. Seriously?
yeah brothers are intense i can really picture you being like guys come on well then i would cry i would act tough and then eventually they'd hurt me too much and i'd cry yeah same then i'm like i hate you my brothers were rough and tumble they did not give me they did not play daintily with me yeah nor did mine mine would beat me to a pulp and then i would take my um stuffed monkey zip who had a plastic face and
plastic hands and plastic feet and i just swirl that at him oh my god and hope that you'd like clip him with the yes oh my god my mom would make them take me with them to play in the neighborhood they're like oh god she'd make them take you yeah and my oldest brother is almost seven years older than me so can you imagine what a buzz kill Total buzzkill. I would sit in between him and his girlfriend on dates. He was like, oh my God. My brother was very docile and gentle, but.
Then we did go through a phase where he would provoke me to the point of me.
hitting him I mean not that I'm blaming him victim blaming but like I was like maybe 11 you made me hit you well he would do it I swear he would he would just provoke me he'd go i'd go can you pass the juice and he'd go yeah sure and then he'd pass it so slowly like that or and i would just lose my mind a slow passing of the juice yeah infuriating you went through hell yeah you're right i was the bully i guess the amount of time it took for the juice to reach you
This is mean. Everything about you makes sense now, May. But he would wait until I snapped and then he'd immediately go, I'm telling mom, I'm telling mom. And then I'd be bawling going, please don't tell her. And it was this like toxic cycle. Did she ever find out? Yeah, one time she came home from dinner or whatever and Joe said, May kicked me.
And it was a big deal. But then the one time that he did snap, it was he used to paint these little figurines like Warhammer, you know, like, do Max and Finn do like orcs and goblins? uh i haven't come across an orc or a goblin what is it what is an orc yeah guys i don't know i don't know what this is thomas is with me the canadian nerds are An orc is a, well, Tolkien, I guess, invented the orc specifically. It's like a kind of, well, they're spawned in Mordor.
in the mortal in the bowels of a mountain and they're kind of like ogre violent okay yeah fair enough anyway My brother like painstakingly painted these figurines. And one day I was kicking my legs and I accidentally, it was just an accident, knocked over the whole shelf. Oh no. And all these freshly painted orcs there, you know, and he. Not the freshly.
What a nightmare. But he had never lost his temper with me really before. And he just walked over to me calmly, put his hands around my throat and started squeezing. Oh my God. That's like a serial killer kind of. I know. I was like, he's going to kill me. Yeah, that's that. He always seemed the neighbors were always so nice and quiet. Yeah, exactly. And then I knocked over their orc. Yeah.
I mean, I know Mork from Ork. Mork is an alien. I know. I used to watch the show. I'm just saying that's the only time I heard of Ork was Mork from Ork. Oh, was his planet called Ork? Yeah. I didn't know either. Oh boy. You didn't know Mork was from Ork? No. Wow. Okay. Look at me knowing TV trivia. Yeah. From the 70s. Those were the days. So May, you were telling us some exciting news before we started. And I said, save it for the podcast. Yeah, I mean.
I've been just closely guarding this news, but it happened yesterday, so I've only guarded it for, I guess, 12 hours. I bought a house. That is so exciting. Thanks. Well, we're still, there's like inspections. right right you gotta get through a couple things a couple of things it is on the side of a cliff and it may be not structurally sound oh no
Well, then you definitely want to get through the inspections before closing that deal. If it is not structurally sound, that's an expensive thing to fix. Yeah, so just make sure that, yeah, I think the city is repairing the cliff next year. Oh, shit. Okay, we'll see you in the year. Hope you don't slide down. God. Yeah. Fingers crossed. No earthquakes in the next year. But you love the place here. You must have. Yeah. Tell us about the place. Well.
I mean, I'm 37. There have been a couple of moments in my life where I felt like I should have just got a little place, got on the ladder, and instead I bought T-shirts and Ubers. And so I was like, you know. You do love an Uber. Ugh. You love to pull up in a long black stretch Uber. Yeah. This is a real problem. Even if it's to coffee. Yeah, you take those big black SUV ones, expensive ones. I hate that you guys have noticed that about me. Are you kidding me?
coming to our pod in a black SUV? I'm like, Mae's got some money. Yeah, go to coffee and the big old black SUV pulls up. I'm like, that's the most expensive of the Uber categories. You know what the issue is? there's they're often the ones that are fastest to come and and i have real time management problems and it'll be like we haven't noticed that yeah that hasn't come up What is this? Yeah. Tell us about it. Maybe it'll start to sound familiar.
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You better believe I'm not taking any more Uber Blacks. I'm scared. You got to pinch some pennies for a second. But it's just a little guy. We got to make sure the structure is good. First of all, make sure the structure is good. And then hopefully it closes. Then you got to furnish it. How many bedrooms? It's a little two-bedroom bungalow, and then it has a little back house. Perfect. And it's super, it's 100 years old. I realized, I don't know. 100 exactly?
This is its 100th birthday? Happy birthday, house. Happy birthday, house. House, happy birthday to you. Oh, my gosh. You must have been eating a Blue Zone diet. I hope that you survive this hill for one more year. you i know when it turns 101 it just slides down the hill oh my god I'm picturing me in my little nighty and nightcap just sliding down that hill. If this inspection is like, the house is in pretty good shape. It could fall down this hill.
You might have to pull out of this. Take it. I just know myself and I know I'll just take the risk. But I realized how little I know about any of this stuff. It's got these old hardwood floors. I love an old hardwood floor. I love it. My friend was like, maybe you should replace them. I was like, no. there's cracks, but we'll just get some grouting and we got to do the grouting. She was like, you don't grout hardwood. I thought you grouted everything with cracks.
I say you get the house, you start grouting that wood. I say wait to make sure that the house isn't. No, no, no. Go for it. Get yourself some grout.
You are getting a structure, a person to come specifically to check the structure, right? Yeah. Just buy it. Yeah. Get a bucket of grout. Me and a bucket. I don't even need furniture. I just... sit on the grout bucket it's probably got a cool view huh it's a really nice view of um it's in silver lake and it just looks imagine the view when you're on the is there a balcony
uh yeah a little box yeah and imagine the view like when you're yeah and you're on the porch and then it like slides down the mountain like imagine that view when you're like
How did you find this place? A real estate person found it? Yeah, I feel like you suspect that I'm just knocking on doors. Can I buy your house? I just was at a friend's house who's like... uh who bought a place and his friend sold it to him and they just didn't want to deal with anybody so he was like hey you want to buy a place and he's like yeah oh i love that yeah i know and that that would be nice when i went to view it the first time there was a big spider in the bathtub
Don't get that house. And then when I went back like a week later to view it again, the spider was still there in that bathroom. I guess he lives there. He's got eight legs to clean. He didn't even try to leave. No. When you went back, you must have been like, this is it. This is my place. You had that feeling.
I just, you know, I'm like, I make decisions pretty quickly. Like I don't get paralyzed by decision making. And even if it's the wrong choice, I'm like, just make a choice. Not that this is the wrong choice, but I really, yeah, I'd seen a bunch of places and I was like. I really like this. I want this to move fast. But, you know, it's emotional. It's like a big life thing and, you know, signifies a sort of.
changing of paths in a way. Yeah, the next step. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not what I thought I'd be doing this time of year. So yeah, yeah. But it's still, you know, it's something I'm doing for myself. Making a little solid base. It's exciting. That's really exciting. A really cool thing. Congrats. I'll have you guys over. Please. Are you going to make the little back? You said there's like a back house.
area you guys will live there that'd be a pot will that be a pod space or something something else a good idea you know i got a lot of um straight male friends who like to come visit me. They'll be sent to the back. You're out there, buddy. You and your wiener. I'm going to put my boys back in the back house. Okay. yeah i like it now is this house big enough for an orgy
Oh, yeah. Oh, listen. Good question, Tig. Tig, you actually would be surprised. You don't need a lot of space for an orgy. You need a king-size bed, and that's it. You're not familiar. Please tell us. Yeah, I would assume you just need a huge house. going nuts flying all over the place one big room because if someone's willing to be in an orgy they don't need to be closed off in like a separate room unless they're misbehaving
If they're breaking orgy rules. Are there orgy rules? Yeah, what are the rules? Yeah. Well, I don't know that I've... Listen, I'm not having tons of orgies all the time, but I think... You're not even having had one. Oh, yeah. Let's just say... Just because you're saying, I haven't had a lot. You're not saying you're not having any.
yeah yeah um i don't think there's any like explicit rules but there's a lot of you know communication people take breaks people take like somebody sitting on the side going that would be me yeah oh boy I'd be like, y'all keep going. Y'all keep going. I'm having a water break.
I might eat some Doritos in the corner and then come back with your orange fingers. I don't get invited to these parties. Even in my single days. There's no formal invitations. It's got to be sort of a spontaneous like... You don't send out any... invite i don't send out an invite it just happens at the end of a wow i can't imagine just like going to a person's house to hang you're just like had a dinner party and then like Three hours later, everyone's clothes are off. I know, but that's-
I know. Isn't it something? I guess I'm back in that era. Actually, I'm currently in. up in joshua tree oh that's an orgy that is definitely an orgy well i had what are you doing in joshua tree uh i'm playing a music show tonight i'm doing some cool tunes at pappy and harriet's you know that cool um But I had rented initially this Airbnb to come with the woman I was heavily involved with. And now I'm with my buddy Matt up here. And there's a waterfall and a...
hot tub and a water slide. Like I've already been on a water slide today. It's only 9 30 AM. dude but i was like an orgy pad well i know that's my thinking yeah so the water slide someone's gonna water slide down right onto a wiener or a vagina yeah fortune marie fortune marie you took it one slide too far we were just talking about orgy i know but we didn't say specifically what was involved parts no fingers no no fortune
Fortune Marie. You know, Joshua Tree, things go down in the desert because it gets really dark out there and there's no one for like miles. Yeah, so you have to have an orgy. How else would you survive? You have to. What else are you going to do? Yeah, that's how you survive out there. After May's show, it's going to get wild. I got to say my dream is to have an orgy with aliens because Joshua Tree feels like UFO town.
People are seeing aliens all the time. Like maybe some people landing from Ork. Oh, you want to be from the planet Ork situation. I don't know that I want to be probed, but I'm going to probe you. You know, I'm not into it. No problemo. No problemo. I want to hear.
post joshua tree updates yeah right well you might never see me again i might be on a ufo um oh wow having right down everything telepathic sex yes write down everything and then mail the letter to us to us yes before you go off to whatever planet you're going to as the spaceship is taking you away just
Drop that letter. I can imagine it floating down like that. Yeah, right to our mailboxes. So, yeah, it sounds like, yeah, you are entering into a new era. I guess. I'm trying to drum up some enthusiasm for it. You know, I'm a romantic. But I got the house, so I'm going to just. That's huge. I'll be doing some paintings and, you know, nurturing my tender spirit. Well, it's a good time for you to, yeah, just live your life. Yeah, man. Fortune. Can I write that down? That's a really good.
Like May is going to write down their weekend. Write down. Just live your life. Just live your. Even say live, laugh, love. Life.
Live, laugh, love. I'm going to write that down. Put that on a sign and put that in your kitchen. I hope there's a live, laugh, love sign. Would you guys, if a UFO came down and an alien... said and the alien's not oh boy here we go it's not not attractive but it's definitely an alien it looks like sort of large eyes and and and yeah and it said would you like to have an alien
sexual encounter oh you think they ask okay yeah i think maybe that but would you guys be interested if you're single and and like and the aliens like trust me it's gonna be good oh they're aggressive they're not like shy Oh, would you prefer shy? You want like a coy alien. I would prefer like a coy alien than like... An aggressive alien showing up telling me what's up. Yeah. Hey, I've just come from my planet. I don't know anybody around here. I thought we could hang out and chat about.
My world and your world and how our two worlds could come together. Yeah, sure. I'm game. Okay. As long as you remain coy. I can answer this. No, I don't. have any desire to hang out with an alien or hook up with an alien really yeah you know may wants to have an orgy with aliens well obviously i'm in the desert
I think May's open to more experiences than I'm open to. And that's all right. That's why we love May. Because May's open. Thanks, guys. And Fortune is shut off. Fortune is shut off, but then with... Like, clearly the filthiest of the three of us, I think. I just say funny words. With the biggest muscles. Yeah, the biggest gun show. I'm probably the squarest of us all. You think you're squarer than me?
I think we're both pretty square. Just the fact that I'm using the word square. But I think I'm actually the biggest nerd of the three. Classic definition of a nerd with sort of... fixation interests i like nerdy things i am the least nerdy yeah i think that's like i didn't make announcements in my junior high school or whatever
you know hi everybody meeting mrs rumfeld's class at 3 p.m for chess club oh i missed it great grades and i was just smoking and running around in cowboy boots and shorts and Yeah. A hundred percent. The least nerd of the three of us. Yeah. Million. Playing guitar when I was nine. Yeah. I was a rule follower. Yeah. Not me. Well, but anyway, but you know what? We all seem to be happy with our lanes. That's right. The end. We kind of, we reached the end of.
The Handsome Podcast. That was the very end. That was the finale. The show just ended for good. Should we get our question for... We should. Yes. Because it's very exciting who our guest is today. A very, very exciting one. I have just been working with this person for months. She plays, well, I would say, I'm not going to say villain, but she plays the antagonist in my new show, Wayward.
Today's questioner is a Golden Globe and Emmy winning Oscar nominated Australian actress with iconic roles in films, including Muriel's Wedding, The Sixth Sense and Hereditary. Yeah, we had such a good time this summer. Me and I'm talking about Toni Collette. We had the best time. We went kayaking. She's like truly a remarkable and funny person. And I think has listened to the pod and had a question.
Like was like, I have my question. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Toni Collette is asking today's question. Hello, handsome pod. Handsomes. Hello, May. I love you. I miss you so much already. Okay, I have a question. Which song, when you were a kid, which song did you like belt out at the top of your lungs only to realize later in life that it was... really inappropriate because it was highly sexualized i have one for sure i didn't know i thought she was from the states you did
Yeah. She always plays an American. Does an incredible American accent. Yeah. But no, Muriel's Wedding, very Australian. Yeah. I didn't see that. She's been in so many huge movies. Muriel's Wedding is so... so good and has not aged at all classic yeah yeah have you ever asked her to say um raise rise up light rise up light no that's i gotta do that i gotta my name's tony clit
Rice a plate. You have to add a question mark at the end of everything. I'm from Australia. Oh, man, it's nice to see her. She's going to love that portion. Do you want me to ask a handsome question? I don't understand why you haven't been cast as an Australian. The holidays are all about connecting with loved ones, and there's no better way to do that than with a digital picture frame from Aura.
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The Sixth Sense was such a good movie, too. I mean, when you watched it in the twist for the first time, it blew everyone's ponties off. Everyone's Pontus. Do you remember? In the theaters, people were like, everyone lost their minds. Once you've seen it the first time, it doesn't have the same effect. But that was the first time. a movie just totally messed with you yeah for the whole movie and it made you go back and be like and then it shows you the flashbacks you're like oh my god
Also, her performance, she's – and Haley Joel Osment. I think she was only 25 or something in that movie. Whoa, really? Yeah, playing his mom, doing this New York accent. And the scene where they're in the car and he goes, Grandma says hi. And she's like – Cole, that's very wrong. Grandma's dead. You know that. And he goes, she wants me to say she saw you dance. And she starts freaking out. And then he goes, when you visited her grave, you asked her a question.
The answer is every day. What did you ask her, mom? And then Tony Clark goes, I asked her, do I make? are proud. It's so good. She's so good at playing those dramatic ladies. Fuck, it's goose bumpy. I was, when we were filming, we were like between takes or something, me and my co-star Sarah.
We were getting really excited to work with Toni Collette. We hadn't worked with her yet. And then we just decided to watch that scene on YouTube. And we watched that scene. We were both like tears in our eyes, goosebumps riveted. And then we had to go and act again. And suddenly we were like.
we don't know how to act like that's acting and we've got so self-conscious we're like god everything we do feels fake because we just watched this like master class yeah she's a whole new a whole other level than Most actors. I think she channels something like she just gives over. to it whereas i feel like i'm always still myself i mean take you've talked about do you feel that too fortune you're just you can't really get out of here yeah versions of us yet
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm definitely taking space. You're taking space? I got to work with a really cool... action icon, Carrie Ann Moss. Oh my God. That's our season two of FUBAR. I mean, Trinity and the freaking matrix. That's huge. What was she like? Awesome. Super cool. Has all these remedies for things like naturopath. Oh, cool. Tig would be into that. There is something about acting with some...
It's intimidating, but where you feel like, oh, fuck, I got to raise my game. Like when someone is so committed and you're looking into their eyes and you're like, this is you're like, for me, this is skin deep. Like if somebody's eyebrow twitches, I'm. breaking like i'm you know i'm barely holding on to like commitment but when someone opposite you is so good and into it you do i felt that on um this new uh starfleet academy
Because I've heard so much from different people that worked with Holly Hunter. They're like, oh, she's really intense and she's got her whole weight. Dig. We have to find the aliens now. Exactly. I was a little like, whoa, I got to really step it up here. And then, you know, I'm definitely giving it my all. But the nice thing is. So far, she's been nothing but an absolute delight and just so much fun. Yeah, I thought I was going to be going on set with like.
a method like just like militant like intense oh no kind of situation the same with tony and it's so because if I'm going to get emotional or I'm going to be, I'm like, I need to, you know, like I got to be listening to music and trying to like, but she can. just drop into it and then between takes she's hilarious and like laughing yeah it's yeah it's really impressive um okay wait but her question guys do you have a song that you would
sing at the top of your lungs and you didn't know that it was horny and weird. I didn't know this song was so horny. Or weird. Gosh, I know that there are songs out there I didn't know had sexual connotations. Well, I remember hearing about George Bush Jr.'s playlist on his iPod or whatever years ago. Okay. And the song My Sharona. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, is that a sexual song? I didn't realize it, but it's about like desiring a younger woman. Yes. Oh.
I always get it up from the touch of the younger kind. Yeah. Well, I remember seeing John Stamos sing that on Full House. Uncle Jesse played it at like the high school dance. Oh, really? And I remember being like... What did he just say? Right. It's like people were making a big deal about, you know, the president. I mean, it's so insane how far we've gone with what is appropriate with presidents and what is and isn't.
But people were like, oh, my gosh, the president has my Sharona on his playlist. And it talks about that was a thing. Desiring a younger. oh that's so girl that is crazy though that now we're like electing people charged with sex trafficking and like yeah yeah well it's like when you when you hear the chicks scan the thing that got them canceled back in the day it was so tame
I rewatched their documentary of what Natalie said and it's like so tame. What did she say? They were about to like... do a big european run and they had like a small show in london kind of like for press and stuff and she the they we had just gone to declared war or whatever and uh she's anti-war and so she just said you know oh we don't support those this war um makes us a shame that our president's from texas something like that that's it everyone is like you're done
Yeah, that's crazy. She got death threats. Seriously? Oh, she had to have security everywhere. She couldn't get off a plane without an escort through airports. Wow. Then their follow-up album was talking about all the... hate mail they received and like people telling them you know mothers saying they wish they were dead and oh like i mean crazy shit
that went on for i mean years that's so wild i mean they were they're still like super successful and yeah um and you know came came back with like this huge grammy winning album but like they were selling out giant arenas and stadiums and then like still still sell out really big things but they were like humongous yeah
Then country radio boycotted them and wouldn't play them. People were literally running over their CDs with power tools. Oh my god. Craziness. And think about all the shit people talk now. That's crazy. It's so insane. I can think of a couple of songs. Well, Roxanne, I didn't know what that was about. What's that about?
Fortune. Is it like a sex worker? Yeah. You don't have to put on the red light, sell your something for money. Wow. Amsterdam. Yeah. And then Sweet Painted Lady by Elton John. That was also about a sex worker. It was like. he'll leave the smell of the sea in your bed getting paid for being laid i mean it's pretty direct when when you say it now but i used to love it as a kid a sweet painted lady yeah
And then the one that I really used to sing a lot is, um, semi charmed life by third eye blind. I know all the words and it's all about like crystal meth. And I didn't realize. Oh yeah. Didn't know that. It goes, the sky was gold. It was rose. I was taking sips of it through my nose and I wish I could get back there someplace back there smiling in the pictures you would take.
Doing crystal meth will lift you up. This is, again, very direct. He says doing crystal meth. I guess I never knew the words. Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break. And it says, I got to get back there to the place where I fell asleep inside you. And I was like, fell asleep inside you. As a kid, I was like, I guess, I don't know. I guess he means his soul. Yeah. What about you, Fortune? This is a newer song, but you know that Cake by the Ocean song? No.
Yeah, I know that. Cake by the ocean. I don't. It was played like two years ago, three years ago, Joe Jonas' song. And it was like the most played song of all the songs. It was everywhere. I'm not doing a good job singing it for you. I disagree. It's called Cake by the Ocean. Everyone's just belting out the lyrics. It's basically about having sex on the beach. What? I know, guys. What? freaking sex on the beach and we're just like thinking you're having cake oh my gosh is it you're eating cake
Is it cake or is it sex? That's a new show. Is it sex? But you didn't have one as a kid where you were like loving it and dancing around. And then you as an adult, you're like, oh. I'm trying to Google songs from that time because for whatever reason... That's good for podcasting is a nice Googling. guys i like to be surprised by our questions so i can give you my I didn't know what our question was today. Good for you for knowing sexual songs. Yes, thank you.
I feel like there must have been a lot of... Fortune was too much of a nerd as a kid. I know. I'm like, what did have a sexual connotation? There must have been a lot of Beatles songs about... I mean, well, I remember there was speculation that Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds was about LSD. Yes. And then they said, oh, no, it was just a picture that Julian Lennon drew or something. Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know Jeannie in a bottle. Was that sexual? Gotta rub me the right way, honey. Oh, yeah, that would be the one then. I definitely was singing, you better rub me the right way. And I really thought it was about... you know, a genie. Get that genie out of there. I was like, I want a couple of wishes. I had no idea Christina either was being a freak. Yeah. Yeah. Classic her. So that would have probably been mine. I was definitely.
turn that song out. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. No, that was very horny, that one. Yeah, very horny. What about you guys? Did you already say? Yeah, you were Googling, but I said Roxanne and Sweet Fainted Lady. Oh, I did hear those because I didn't know about Roxanne. Yeah. Should we hear what Tony said? Yeah, let's do it. So for me, I was in fourth grade. So what does that make me like? Maybe I was eight. And a group of...
Only two or three other girls and I danced in front of the whole class, just made up a routine, and danced to the Pointer Sisters. I'm so excited. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mortified. That's pretty tame.
But yeah, when you think about it, they're horny. I want to Google the rest of the lyrics. Pointer Sisters. I'm so excited. Pointer Sisters are trying to get something pointed in their sister. To their whole... fortune marie fortune marie okay here we go here we go okay yeah oh my god yeah it's okay tonight's the night we're going to make it happen tonight we'll put all other things aside give in this time and show me some affection
We're going for those pleasures in the night. I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you. I want to squeeze you, please you. I just can't get enough. And if you move real slow, I'll let it go. I'm so excited. Oh, she's going to orgasm. Fortune. Yeah. The pointer sister is going to orgasm. Yeah, no, this is definitely dirty. And to be in grade four, just really losing it.
The problem is when there's a catchy song and you you're not always aware of the lyrics. And those days were when you had in order to see lyrics. You had to buy like a CD and they were in the sleeve. Yes. You couldn't just Google it like I did now. That's right. So yeah, you're just like, oh, this is a catchy tune. I'm so excited. We're all excited. Who doesn't want to have a great day of excitement?
but you're not really paying attention to like wrapping your legs around. Cause no one's singing the, no one's singing the like main part. They're singing the chorus. Yeah. Yeah. And this is us. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. Did you guys do lip syncs in front of your class? Oh yeah. In front of class? It's raining men.
Oh, my God. No, no. I was very aware that was a horny song. How old were you? Can we hear it? I might have been a little older, like high school, like 15, 16. And you were dancing. with your friends? Oh, yeah. I need to see that. Temperatures rising. Stop. According to all sources, the streets are places to go. It's a night for the first time. Just about half past ten For the first time in history It's gonna start raining, man It's raining, man
And they were holding umbrellas. It's raining men. And twirling them. And then I bust through the umbrella. No. So you were the star. It's raining men. Oh, I was the star. Oh, my God.
because it was my brainchild that takes a lot of confidence and where did you do this in front of your school i have a bunch of friends yeah wait at school as a performance no at a like a big party okay is that when you got discovered and signed by your agent i got signed by an agent i did it i i redid it again in my 20s for friends in la Well, you're going to have to redo that. And I wore a spandex outfit. Thomas put it on the list. Guys, when we do our live.
holiday show yeah maybe maybe fortune needs to we'll get you and i can have umbrellas of course forget that we said this yes we'll show up and our fans will be like wait how come it's not raining then yeah we should do it's raining lesbians oh good one could do yeah i had in my 20s i had guys in short shorts holding the umbrellas
That's good. I'll do that. And I was in spandex. Hello. I mean, this is a performance that can be reintroduced in different eras of my life. Yeah, I think it's time. I think it's been... Enough time. I think it's the past time. It's got to come back. It's raining, man. And I sang to it so excited about these men raining. I think your next stand-up special should open with that.
I did a one in front of my middle school. And it was all the other kids were doing like Spice Girls and stuff. And I was so bossy and I made my friends do hair, you know. Oh, yeah. I mean, I said with hair, long, beautiful hair from the musical. That musical is kind of a big orgy. Yeah, maybe I was an early indicator. But then I think the song morphed into everybody and Backstreet Boys. It was like a medley.
Oh, I think we call those a mashup. It was a mashup, but everyone was disappointed by Hair, the musical. Oh, yeah, because that's kind of a more obscure... reference yeah and it had to start with me alone on stage going don't ask me why I'm just a hairy guy I was like 11 I'm hairy high and low The song most people know from Hair is Age of Aquarius. Oh, yes. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Are we in the age of Aquarius now?
Or what? What is the age of Aquarius? Yeah, what is it? Guys, would you like me to Google? May? I mean, you should be spitting out a May fact. Shit, you're so right. Age of Aquarius. I'm searching the recesses of my mind. It's an astrological concept that refers to a period of time when the vernal equinox shifts into the sign of Aquarius. Oh, the vernal equinox, yeah. The exact start and end of the age of Aquarius is debated.
But some astrologers believe it began around the 20th century, while others think it's still... happening. I still don't know what it is. Okay, guys, I'm going to continue. Does it have to do with being an Aquarius? I'm going to tell you. It's associated with traits like innovation. openness and spirituality it's also thought to market a time of great change with a shift in human consciousness and a move from me to we we're definitely not in a we phase no
We're definitely in a me phase. I don't think we're in the age of Aquarius right now. But you don't have to be... The age of Aquarius isn't during the time period when... the Aquarius birth sign is no it's the thought of the age of Aquarius was kind of the 60s and 70s kind of that new age era that's sort of the age that's considered the age of Aquarius okay
we are not in that we had a chance you know like we got so close it was like young people had all this power and they could have mobilized into this serious movement And then what happened? I think then like exploitative cult leaders and the government got involved and messed it up. Because there was, I think 1969, 250,000.
Young people ran away from home and went to Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco. That's a lot of people. In one summer. And it was like this huge, like the potential there is so huge. You would have done well. That summer of 69. It was the summer of 69. Do you think I would have? I would have been like, can people stop smoking weed inside?
God, I've got a headache. I would have got scooped up by some cult leader fast. Oh, you would have 100% in the cult or the cult leader. I don't think I would have let it. A sexual cult leader, not a bad, not one. evil one a corny one no deep down all i want is someone to come along tell me what to do i think if some beautiful person had come up and been like come with me i see you you're special I'd be like, we would never see May again. No, you'd never see me again. Even now.
You never see me. Well, guys, we did it. Wow, what a journey we've been on today. I've really enjoyed this. I have too. It was a treat for sure. Well, guys, guess what? Our Holly Bob extravaganza is on the horizon. It is Saturday, December 21st. We're going to be at Dynasty Typewriter. It's a live show that you can stream from anywhere in the world. That link will be good for a week. We're going to be in our home base. So all the tech will be super good and sharp. And we're going to have.
It sounds like we've got a whole list of things that we want to get to there. Yeah, we got a lot going on. Yeah, we do need to put our heads together and make sure we follow through on some of the It's Raining Men. I've got some plans to surprise you guys. So get your tickets at DynastyTypewriter.com or on our social media pages. And we will very much look forward to seeing you then.
And also always important to subscribe to the podcast and the YouTube page and share your favorite episodes with friends. personal plug i would love for people to keep watching my special crushing it on netflix yes streaming now uh thanks for all the fun comments But yeah, I'm so proud of it in my handsome pink suit. And I announced a whole new big tour. So I'm doing a bunch of shows and clubs.
uh, promote, uh, working on my new hour. I have Pasadena in Ontario, Oxnard, California, Irvine, California. And then, um, a whole huge new theater tour starting April 1st. Oh, my God. You never stop, girl. I never stop. Never stop. I love it, though. We've got some handsome live shows right in Nashville. Yes.
Austin? Those tickets are going fast, folks. In April. Yes. The first two weekends of April, we have Austin, Texas first, and then Nashville at the Ryman. Oh, my God. I can't wait. Those are going to be big fun. awesome shows seriously also i want to um plug my uh the audio version of my stand-up special hello again that is out and available for all and uh it is I mean, if you need a last minute Holly Bob present. Yeah, that is a good, I mean, why stop there? Get my book. I'm just a person.
I have a book, guys. Get that. It's amazing. Get it. It is amazing. Get that. Well, I mean, this is basically right before Christmas, so I hope everyone has an amazing holiday. Yeah. With Hanukkah. also falls, I think, of the same time as Christmas this year. Yeah, get some rest. Stay off your phone, off Instagram, and just, you know. Wander around. Wander aimlessly. Hopefully Santa's good to you if you believe. If you believe. I think my son still believes. Yeah.
Oh, man. Well, until next time, huh? Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast.
Handsomes, the audio version of my comedy special, Hello Again, is available everywhere just in time for the holidays. Go to Tignotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check for your favorite snacks and treats before checking out at the grocery store.
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