Tom Papa asks about stolen gifts

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Welcome to the handsome podcast. Uh m my name is Tignotaro and I'm sitting here with Uh um my name is May Martin. And a fortune themster. Yeah. Looking really, really Like a pretty little lady. Yes you are. It's because I have on some makeup. Uh-huh. Your eyes are popping. Are they, you guys? They were like, Do you wanna take your makeup off? And I went, No. Never. Doing handsome and I wanna be handsome. And I wanna be pretty. Mm-hmm. So I have my I don't have any lip taint on uh

Mm-hmm. But the eyes are still popping. I thought maybe you had invisible lip taint on. Yeah. That no, just invisible mascara. Oh, okay. And so you started filming your uh movie today? Today was your First day at work. First day at work. Everybody's really nice and It's funny to go from like the golf show with Will uh it's a lot of um dudes yeah in a sporty world to like a lady

A lady comedy. A lady led comedy. A lady led comedy. So it's such a f both great vibes, but just very different. Were you actually pretty pretty little lady? Pretty little lady vibes. Yeah, we were today was the f filming. Oh my god, that's scary.'Cause you're like, are people gonna like how I'm doing it? I know. I was like, I don't know how'cause it's a big broad comedy and I was saying I I don't know how

broad to go with my character. You like wanna be funny but not like annoyingly over the top. I say go big. Go big. Yeah, they can always reel me in, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. But it was good. The I think everybody's got nice chemistry where Feeling comfortable more comfortable around each other and getting to know each other, so great. Yeah. I I drove Kim Kardashian in a truck. I mean, what is your life? You drove Kim Kardashian in a truck. Oh, in a scene. In a scene, yeah. Okay. All right. Wow.

That's like what is your life? Yeah, true, yeah. But w were you um were you driving for real or were you was the car on the back of one of those Driving for real. Whoa. Yeah. See I'm still thinking it wasn't May. I'm still just impressed by driving, period. Well, I've driven uh when I did office Christmas party I um di I it the car s stood still, uh sat there. I didn't drive it.

But I did drive get Jennifer Gardner in the ambulance. That was nerve wracking. I know. The ambulance is m big and it had all the camera people in the back of it. So that was made me nervous. Uhhuh. Well, Fortune seems capable. That's why you throw her in, you know, to do the driving. And then in Will's movie You're cordially invited. I drove a speed boat. Yeah, you're always driving.

Especially I don't even know how to drive a boat. I was gonna say, I mean, that's my sweet spot. I know how to drive a boat. Yeah, I had a motorcycle. Yeah. Round around in circles, I guess. You're always driving it. Beautiful women in cars. Here's what Did you park the boat? I'm trying to think. I I brought it up to the dock and then they they like kinda took it over from there. But yeah, I know with the throttle and stuff you gotta

Yeah. Push it back a little bit. Yeah. It can be a little tricky. This is the butchest episode of our podcast yet. We're talking throttles and parking. Trottels, baby. Um, when you were in the truck with Kim, um did she smell good? Were you chatting between takes? What's the vibe? Um, she's lovely. Uh really just been very nice, very professional, very collaborative. She's not been like, you know,

us and her you know, we're here and she's over there. Like it's yeah, she was we chatted between takes and Uh, she's got a good sense of humor, so she was laughing about I was being silly and she's really funny. I I mean I I watched I've watched her.

Many times I've watched her in uh keeping up with the Kardashians. She's very witty. They all are pretty witty. Pretty witty? Well they they have a lot of people around them. A lot she's had like a group of friends she's been friends with for since like Kindergarten. Yeah. Um Well this is a long shoot. By the end of family. You're gonna be tight. You're gonna be gossiping with the gals just like you were on Will's show. Yeah.

And then'cause you know, we uh had rehearsals the day after Nikki Glazer hosted the Golden Globe, so everyone just kinda went I had three weeks off between shows. Yeah. So uh I mean between filming the last show and this, so it's been a shot like we're all been shot out of a cannon. Yeah.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Busy times. Yeah. How are you, Teg? What's going on? I haven't seen you in a while. Um I did a mini sode with Fortune, so we've been we were Cheating. Talking. Talking cheating on you. We were cheating on you. I I started my um period. My period, finally. Wow. Congrats, dude. Thank you. Oh my god. I'm hoping to get three hundred tampons delivered to my house. Because we do work in space. Just for your next cycle. Yeah. Um

uh I started my the beginning of my um period minor my my minor market tour. Minor market tour. Minor market tour. Minor market. What you've called it or that's Well yeah, I'm just I'm I'm just hitting the places that are not like Chicago, New York.

That kind of stuff. Right. You're hitting the smaller guys. Yeah, I'm hitting the Fort Lauderdales and the Omaha's and what have you. So I'm just hitting those kind of shows for a while and going out for long weekends. But um It's been busy as well'cause I had to overlap my Star Trek premiered and then I think I told you, yeah, that um the documentary's in contention for the Oscar nomination. Yeah. And so it's just been Pure insanity. Like pure insanity. Like the events and um promotion and

Uh Schmoozin. Yeah, it's not really my scene, I'll be honest. No, but I you know, I want to do everything I can for the movie, but it is

It's a hard nomination to get because they typic it's typically just like global documentaries that that that m that make it to the nominations, you know. Like political situations and yeah. Very political, very global. Um And uh but, you know, we still have to had to give it all we had and um hope for the best and even if not we have um really friend projects that we're continuing to develop and work on around Andrea and Meg and with Meg, uh, Andrea's wife and

So it's just this kind of fun creative bubble of people that really, really connected on a project and want to continue to work together because it was just it was so Special. It was just a r yeah, it was a really special experience that um we all feel very lucky that we all it all lined up the way it did. And uh on our Zoom today I was talking about how

Because they announce tomorrow morning. Oh, they do? Okay, I'm setting my I'm setting my alarm and I'm checking your screen. You didn't get up at five AM. Yeah. That's when it it's five thirty in the morning where they read off the nominees. Um why do they do it that early? I think I don't know. I think it's for the East Coast press. Like his morning shows and stuff. Yeah. But um that's what I've been up to. Is uh I'm still filming Star Trek. It premiered.

finished the promotion on um uh that dual crazy run of promotion and and doing my tour. Um and I'm and I'm touring with Amy uh Berkman, who's an incredible speed artist and um Our first yes, of course, yeah. Yeah, she's an ovarian cancer survivor. She paints a portrait within under ten minutes and then we auction it off. at the show to raise money for charity.

Wow. And yeah, we raised like fifteen thousand dollars a show. What? Oh, that's awesome. And a hundred percent of the proceeds went to the charity. And God. And we're very aligned on she's a vegan and um so we're doing Cancer charities, animal charities, and environmental charities. And um That's awesome. It just feels it feels good. And it was my fantasy when Andrea was alive to tour with Andrea and Amy.

And then when Andrea died I was like, Man, I gotta make this right and so I reached out to Amy and It it just was a really good vibe. And she's really talented. So it feels good. Feels really good. So who's she doing the portraits of in the Well, like we were in um Fort Lauderdale the first night and she did one of a manatee. Oh yeah. And does the audience kind of weigh in on what they want No, she dances to music while she's painting frantically and the and the and the and the the um canvas.

She flips it right side up at the end. She's painted upside down the whole time. No She flips it in the end and then you're like oh my god it's a manatee or you're like Oh my god, it's Andrea Gibson's face, you know. That must be like something must work differently in her brain to be able to paint upside down like that. That's like a really

That's cool. Yeah, she she um she had very aggressive ovarian cancer and when she lived through it she was like, I'm gonna devote my life to doing good with my art. So and she loves that. She yeah, she's really incredible.

So that's what I've been doing? Yeah. What about you, May? I've been working on my Froutrophia biopic. Gotcha. Um you die. It's a three and a half hour biopic based on no factual information. Don't die during the research. Okay, May? What do you mean? Routropia. Well, you're writing the movie, you said? Um, yeah. Yeah. I just you know you have to research for a film and Oh yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you not know the story? Oh no, I know the bear I know the bullet points. And that's all I got. So taking a lot of artistic license on her life. Uhhuh. Uh no, I'm not actually doing that, but I would like to. Um, I am I Well, one thing I haven't talked about on the pod is I did this I think you guys will find this funny. I did a a show with Lisa Gilroy, friend of the pod, at Largo, and the premise was that we surprise each other. Mm-hmm. So

It's like we each have to plan two surprises. It's really anxiety inducing because you're like, Am I gonna go too far with a prank? Like Is is this funny? And last time a year ago, I got the number of her or the phone number of her husband, who I've only met once.

Okay. And I secretly texted him and I took him to Universal Studios and we we went on all the rides and we did like a whole it was my girl. So on stage with Lisa I said, you know, I I've only met Steve once, but we do have a relationship and it's

It's not sexual, but it is romantic. And then I had this whole slideshow of us like spending the whole day together. And she was flabbergasted and she went through this like whole range of emotions of like That is so funny. Yeah, like at first she I think was feeling protective of him, like is he, you know, and then was like so touched that two people she loves

independently hung out and And then she's like, And what did you guys do together? Yeah, then she's like then she's like, Did you kiss? Like she got really anxious. Did you kiss? Did you touch my love? Yeah. So then um I've been I I don't know how to I didn't know how to top that and I've been really nervous and I c I kind of was drawing a blank and I was nervous for how she would kind of retaliate. And um so

She at the beginning of the show, she's like my my surprises were pretty were pretty lame. They were I was I painted a portrait of her and I had Alana Johnston pretend to be Alanis Morissette. Uh-huh. But at the beginning of the show, Lisa's like, Oh, I have this

new necklace. I yeah, my my admirer got it for me. And I was like, oh no, what is this gonna be? And she's like, it's okay, I'll talk about it later. And then she kept being like, Oh God, I love this necklace my admirer gave me. And then she Starts playing a video. And she goes, Oh, baby, are you there? It's on Zoom. My father. appears in the video. She she has gone onto Instagram, DM'd my dad, and unbeknownst to me, they've filmed this whole sketch where she's like

On zip. I wanna like just play you guys a little Is that your dad's given name is Baby? Yeah, it's baby baby child. Baby Martin. Baby Martin. I think you're gonna laugh at that because he's he really went for it. Like he is really goofy in it and um yeah I went through the same range. R yeah. He was up for it. Um okay Guys, can we do a quick check in with my eye? Is it open? Oh let's see.

Well right now you're squinting. Is that on purpose? Well, I have trouble seeing, so I'm always squinting these days. You gotta do this. Do this. Definitely a little closed. This one? Yeah. Yeah. Have you gotten it fixed yet? No, I can't till March. Fortune you can't tell. I mean I d well I was asking in case to got it fixed and it was a bust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, Yeah, I went I wouldn't got it fixed. Yeah. It's working.

Yeah. All right. Sorry, May, go on. Okay, ready? Yeah, we're ready. I think the audio will be funny, but I'm gonna show the video and maybe I can post a little clip of the video if my dad agrees, but I'm gonna show you guys, okay, ready? Baby, you're late. I'm sorry, darling. I missed you, baby. Oh, I've missed you too, my everything. I'm wearing the necklace you got me. Looks adorable. Oh, baby, look, I know you're taking me to Paris next weekend. Oh my baby loves her croissant.

Ням-ням-ням-ням-ням. I love you so much, James. I would literally die for you. It goes on for a long time. I would love if you're what if your mom walked in and was like, What are you doing? I was freaking out. I don't know. It was so weird seeing my world changed. You should have done it with your mom. That would be really no my mom's she's so shy. Hello, darling. Hello, darling, Lisa. Yeah, hello, my darling.

She showed me their email thread, her and my dad, and she'd been like, Okay, James, I'll I'll send you a Zoom link and he wrote, Okay, baby. Oh my god. And now they're having an affair. I was gonna say, did you see any nudes in there? Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking which hot sauce I'm using on my breakfast burrito. Big mistake.

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But it really it was dil i y you know when someone it's like when someone makes fun of you really specifically. It's like so touching almost. But yeah. It's the best. It was thrilling. So that's my that's my big news. Other than that, I've just been driving around the town. I bought a new body wash, you know. I know. I saw this I saw this car going down the road just slamming into cars and pumping.

Yeah, just pinballing down the street. I was like, Look at May. Yeah. Look at May go. Are you getting more comfortable? Yeah, I love it. Way better now guys and I'm glad you didn't get in my car when I first got it. 'Cause so are we. I have no plans to ever get in a car with you. I will at some point, but I need your practice. Look, you're driving Kim Kardashian around, I gotta drive you guys. I've been driving since I was twelve.

Oh my god, why'd you wait so late? I was like smoking and driving since I was born. I have my first Make out of my car. Yeah.'Cause I've always been the passenger princess. I think I know who you murdered with. Who was you? Nobody. Was it you? Yeah, it was me. Yeah. No, wait, why would you know? Who what is happening? Two against one. I don't like it. Well, when when we filmed our mini soad off mic I was updating Fortune on my various Okay, well bleep it out. Who was it?

Well I'm scared. I know May's scared. Was it your dad? May's scared it would somehow get in here. Yeah. We'll tell you at the end of the end of the pod. Oh my God. I because we can't accidentally let it slip through. Yeah. But you don't let us more asset? Yeah, but that would be amazing.

But it felt good'cause usually I'm the passenger and someone's dropping me off and then I'm not listening to anything now. All right, okay, okay. I don't I don't care about anything unless I have this information. Okay, well Should we for Thomas, you're we're bleeping this? Yes. Okay. And you're definitely bleeping it. I promise to bleep it. I mean not even bleeping it, like take the whole chunk. Who the hell is this?

And all of this is staying in until this okay. Oh my god. Who the hell is this? Yeah. Who the hell is this? Well, it it wasn't who you think it is actually, Fortune, but I it was That's not exciting to you? That's not thrilling. No. You're not into her? Yeah No, I'm not no it's nothing against I'm like, great, whatever. I thought you were giving me like scandalous information. No, no, not scandalous, just like pretty twist. Okay, cut that whole chunk out.

Well, some of it keep in, some of the teasing. Okay, yeah. But you can listen you can listen to the end of the state. And then also keep in my disappointment. No, okay. We'll come back. Oh my god, that was a bit of a bust. Tig's not Tig's not impressed. No, there was well, there was more to the story, but anyway, oh my god. We thought it was juicy gossip, me and Fortune. Yeah, Tig is unimpressed. Uh yeah.

And but like I thought if this was someone your first kiss and like who they must be now that you're so protective. Wait, my first You with this person. Oh, f okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So who would have impacted? I think Tig misinterpreted it thinking that it was something scandalous. It's not scandalous, it was just Okay, so who who would have got like the biggest reaction for you? That you would have been like, What? I guess someone

Like married and famous? Is that Justin Trudeau. Married famous. Tig one at a scandal. Okay, yeah. No scandal. You know me, girl. I always want a scandal. You love a scandal. I love a scandal. Yeah, you do. Yeah, I don't know who would be exciting for you to make out oh Uh An Angelina Jelly would you have such a crush on her. That's always the answer, right? That would be pretty exciting. I mean

It would be crazy. Anyone that kisses her, it's like that's that's like a big deal. It's a big deal in in their life forever. And I don't and if they're if they say it's not, they're lying. Like anyone who just like At a party kissing. I don't want to kiss her, but I want you to kiss her. Why don't you wanna kiss her? Yeah. I'm More I'm more of a Jen Aniston gal. I think you have to be on one team or the other, right? Still or no? Well, uh like removing any teams.

It's like you're at a party. Angelina's coming in for the smooch. Yeah. And are you like are you like I'm a gen. I have cheese in my pocket. Uh my pocket. I have I'm putting it in my mouth saying pocket. She's in my pocket. That's how nervous you would If Angelina is coming in. Angelina cheese in my pocket. I have Jack can I have cheese in my pocket. I have cheese in my pocket. Oh my god, that is now.

The the let down line. Yeah. That is what you say when you turn someone down and you give them no information. I got cheese in my pocket and then walk away. I got cheese in my pocket. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry to l I hope I let her down easy. Well y uh you did. You told her you had cheese in your pocket. Yeah, she's gonna cheese. She's walking away. Oh my gosh. She's walking away confused and She's like, I don't I don't wanna kiss her now anyway. Yeah.

Don't ever let me forget I have cheese in my pocket. But we will forget from Alball I'm saying. We forget everything we say on this broadcast. I know. People come up like, hey, speedboat through the desert. And then like, wait, what happened? We only remember if it becomes a merch. I don't know how to I just wrote it down, I have cheese in my pocket. It's there. That's it. Thomas We put On the list.

Just so we remember to turn down Angelina with that line. Turn down anybody with that line. She's in my pocket. Yeah. You have to point to your mouth though. I have cheese in my pocket. Oh my god, I love it so much. And please sneak that in.

When it makes sense in any possible moment when you have to t like if I say, Do you wanna go get coffee and say I have cheese moving Now are you making out with her? If she comes up to you at the cheese table I have cheese in my pocket. You're eating vegan cheese. Yeah. I'm well, yeah, and I'm I'm married. So Yeah, but in a scenario where you're not and you're at the party. Yeah. No, I'm not I'm not a party kisser. Yeah, I know what you mean.

What? That's the other excuse. I'm not a party kisser. I can't believe both of you are saying you were rejecting Angelina Jolie. This is such garbage. Here's the thing is I'm pretty sure she would reject using us. I know. She's got way more cheese in her pocket, by the way, in these scenarios. We're just letting her down before she lets us down. That's how it works psychologically. Okay, what if you're out and

And um you're introduced to her and you're chatting, getting along, and then uh and you're like, Oh my god, Angeline is so nice. And then at the end of the conversation, as she walks away, she goes, By the way, I have cheese in my pocket, and you've realize that she listened to the podcast. Listen be more than a lot of people. Then would you kiss her, Fortune, for listening to the podcast? I would kiss her hand. I would kiss everyone who listens to the podcast.

Well speak for yourself. I would do the Tig kiss. Kiss my own hand. What if we were at a party totally eating chips and Catelyn? I like this. Yeah. You turn and totally see. Me in a corner. Just making out with some girl. I Wait, this is a scenario where you're not married, right? Oh whatever scenario whatever. You're just and you're Oh suddenly a party kisser? I'm a a suddenly a party that's March right there, party kisser. I would be screaming as party kisser. And you walk in the door.

That is a fun shirt. Oh my god, we have warn shirts. We need a party. We need to open a store. Yeah. Party kisser is good. That's really good. I feel like a lot of people would wear that. For sure. If you were making it at a party That would be wild. Fortunate I would have to do. You don't even like to touch people. I've had so many people come through my meet and greet lines going, May's coming here in, you know, whatever month, I'm going there and then

Whenever Tig comes, but we know she she's not gonna do me and grease because she doesn't like to touch anybody. She won't touch us. We don't want to beat anyone we can't touch. Now is it merch? for also I got cheese in my pocket. I don't know. Okay, see how our listeners take to it. Okay, you have one shirt, like on the front, party kisser, and then on the back it says I got cheese in my pocket. I like that or Or a little like um

Like a stick and you can do either either one. So if you're at a party and someone's propositioning you, you can either hold up I have cheese in my pocket or a party kit. Yeah. We're just spitballing here. We should probably um spitball our merch another time. I one time I had a party and uh afterwards my f I said to my friend, uh did you have fun tonight? And he goes, Yeah. I uh I made out with and then he said this.

Personally, Angeline. Angeline. Yeah. I I made out with so and so in the bathroom and I went, Me too. And this Woman had had made out with Bob. She's a party kisser. Did she have on the shirt? She she was such a co party kisser, yeah. And I really I wow. I really respected it. I do enjoy th hearing about a party kisser who is just kissing kissing everybody. Oh my god. Ma male and female and they pretty little ladies and they Yeah. Yeah. Are you not are you a party kisser, Fortune? I know May is.

No. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, May's definitely a but that's how why May used to throw parties was to be a party kisser. Yeah. No. Thomas, are you a party kisser? Back in the day I was, but n not anymore. Yeah. No one was kissing me at parties because I was by the cheese table with cheese in my pocket.

So I didn't even yeah, I wasn't be being very open to that. Uhhuh. Yeah, you were sending you were sending off. I was too into the cheese. I have to really love a charcuterie board. Yeah, we know. Yeah. You know why?

'Cause it has the word cooter in it. That is exactly why. That's so funny. Guys. Uh how is it that we do it every single week? We deliver the goods every time on time. D you and Stephanie never made out at a party? Um In the early days when you like I mean our first kiss was in public at La Puebelle in Hollywood. W La Pu Bell? That sounds sexy. That was when our photo was ca you know, our first kiss was captured in a picture. No.

Wait, I don't think I realized that wasn't a picture. Yeah. Wait, so uh like a paparazzi picture? No. The paps for the paps to give me Yeah, they're like, Oh my god, here's two unknowns. Let's grab this. You've heard us talk about Hungry Root before. I love Hungry Root because I love keeping things simple. And Hungry Root simplifies my life and routine like nothing else. I'm always on the go, driving around town, touring the country.

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Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. I was writing my book. And I w it was like eleven o'clock at night and we we had a texting relationship for months. And I was thinking, do I have a crush on this person? Mm hmm. And then um she it was the first time it was like six months into texting.

that she was like, um, oh, I'm out with my friends. Do you wanna come join us? And I was like, Oh, sure. And then I was like, Oh my God, I've been writing my book all day. I haven't showered. I and then I was like, Oh, she doesn't date women. It doesn't matter what I look like So I just went down there all

Filphy. And I had this big Canadian wool sweater on with an eagle on the back. And I walk into La Pubelle and she's sitting at this huge table with friends. They had just done improv next door at UCB. And she was wearing a huge Canadian sweater with an eagle and hers was dark. Mine was mine was off white and we were like, This is insane. And so we switch sweaters.

And do you know Armin Weitzmann? No. Oh, anyway, he's part of that whole U C B world of long ago. And he was like, Oh my gosh, you two get together, I'll take your picture. And as soon as we touched each other, we started making out. Oh my

And as a joke as a joke. No, no. Like we were Uh we w yeah, and we immediately started kissing and our first kiss is captured And then we went to my car and made out all night and then the next day is when she wrote me the fifty thousand page email saying, I'm not gay, I can't date you and then I wrote, Okay, Dyke and then the rest of us Oh my gosh. Wait.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like so you started kissing in front of your friends, in front of the person In front of her friends. Oh my god. And I wonder if No, no, she's not that kind of person. Wait, did she did one go in for the kiss first? We both wow. And we are not those types of people and we were just immediately party kissers. Uh we did not have any cheese in our pockets. Yeah wow that's that's pretty Sexy. That's hot. Yeah. And it wasn't like you were doing a bit for the photo and then it got

Oh my god, there was no bit. I was like full blown crush on this person. Here, let me show you the can I show you the picture of our berry first kiss. It's so insane. I can't even believe that um we have this. That is pretty that is pretty crazy. It's so crazy. Okay. Prepare yourselves and here it comes. Oh look how the hair. S for a minute I wasn't sure which one you were and

I that you've never looked more crane. You never look more Tom Cruise. There's something very Tom Cruise about the hair. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That is very romantic. Okay, are you ready? This is the final thing to blow your mind. Okay. Yeah. And Say blow your cooters and pooters off. Excuse me. I actually don't want to say that at all. Okay. Okay. And y and you both wait, yeah, is that a saying? It is now. Oh Yeah, we need to start a new list. Gonna blow your booters and cooters. Oh my god.

What is this episode? What are we doing with our time? My family is at basketball practice and they have dinner and this is what I'm doing to uh make a living. But um So when I tell you this final part, you're gonna go, Oh, come on, you knew she knew No. Okay.

I was just back in town. I had been in New York. I had been touring. I was back in town. And because I was in town, she said, Come meet me. Ca not she didn't say come meet me. She was like, Hey, I'm out with friends at La Poubelle and we're hanging out. Come meet us. It was Valentine's Day. No cute our uh anniversary is Valentine's Day. She was looking for the smooch. No, she wasn't. She was. Yeah. Deep she didn't realize it, but deep down she was looking for a smooch. She's not a bar kisser.

But on Valentine's that night after months of texting you, she wanted a smooth. She went. Well she got it. I have a really specific question, but And now I lie down next to her with a C Pow machine. But anyway, go ahead. So in your friendship before then, had you ever had any um prolonged eye contact with a little twinkle in your eye? 'Cause that's my favorite thing. No, I think more than anything, anytime we went out to eat We would um

Just have so much fun, talk forever, laugh, stay at the restaurant till for like three or four hours. Then we'd go out into the parking lot. The sun would come up, that kind of stuff. And I would leave going, Oh my god, I think I have a crush on her. Oh yeah. That's a lot. But I di I didn't think she did, so I just went about my life. And party kissed other people. Yeah. Until she married Well, you gotta party kiss until she's ready to only party kiss you.

Yep, that's where we are. Yeah. And look at you now. And now you're rejecting Angelina because you got cheese around. I got a pocket full of cheese. Well that was a fun treat. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for listening. I'm happy to always tell the story. And yes, May, we shouldn't Get to our question.

Today's question asker is uh one of my dear friends. He's a comedian, an actor, and a radio host who co-host the serious XM show What a joke. With Papa and Fortune, that's right, he's my radio co-host. His latest stand-up special, Home Free, is available to watch on Netflix. Tom Papa is asking today's question. Hey handsome Handsome It's me, Tom Papa, your friend. Friend to all of you. Wish I could see your faces right now, but all I see is my face.

I have a question for you. Uh have you ever at any point in your life, at any age, Stolen something and then given that as a gift to someone else, and you never told them that you stole it. I don't know what your motivation is, I don't know it w what your the situation is, but you needed a gift and you stole something and then you gave it to them and then you never you never told them that it was stolen and they just enjoyed it and have it and hold it and you never said.

I love Tom. What a nice energy he has as a person. Yeah. How did you guys start working together, Fortune? Um, I had met him through Aaron Foley, very funny comic here uh in LA, who was been dear friends with Tom forever. And um and then he Netflix wanted us uh wanted him to do a radio show and he was like

You wanna do this with me? And I didn't really know him but I was like, Yeah, let's do it and so we're in our sixth year together. Wow Doing this radio show. It's m every Monday through Thursday, two hours a day. Good Lord. It's a lot of chatting. A lot of chatting. Wow. On channel ninety three on Sears XM, if anybody wants to check it out. Um And does Ginger still listen?

Yeah, she still is That's so nice. Yeah. She loves Tom and he um is uh a bread baker as well. I didn't mention that in his bio, but he's a fantastic bread maker. Really? Yeah, he even just came out with his own line of bread baking products that have been doing really well for Nambe. Wow. I'm trying to think of a pun on Papa somehow on Papa and Breaking B Red with Papa says podcast. Oh nice.

Um okay, stealing anything. Well I can tell you I I never stole again after my mom caught me when I was five stealing a piece of gum and she made me go back in and be like I'm so sorry I said it gave it. Um And were they nice about it in the store or they said yeah you Yeah, they were nice about it, but you know, she wanted me to learn my lesson and I did. Uh so th I didn't steal this, but I definitely was um

uh trying to take credit for something. I was riding my bike around the neighborhood um when I was in elementary school and somebody had thrown out a bunch of stuff on the side of the road and um one of the things they threw out was like um crocheted like Bless his home or whatever kind of thing. And I was like, oh, my mom's birthday's coming up. No way. And they even have like a little like Like you know, it has gotten some dings being in the trash.

And I was just like Bless this heart. Bless this home. Is this is gonna be a pretty sweet birthday present. So I took it from out of the trash and gave it to my mom. And I'm sure she was like Nice. You could tell that was used. And abused. Yeah. Did you give it a wash or no? Just No. I'd Excellent question, May. Excellent question. I did not give it a wash. It I was just like This is here you go. Enjoy this. Yeah. I never and I never asked her about that. I should ask her if she ev

You know, new. Did you see it around the house or did it go back in the trash?

But I got credit for giving her a present. I wonder if some other kid found it in your trash and it's like Bless his home. My mom's gonna love this. The traveling knitted cr or crocheted blesses home yeah things. I have a oh I have a similar one to that that someone made me. Hold on one second. Oh, off she goes. Yeah, there she goes. Huh. Oh, it's right there. What does that say? A handsome listener croch is this

Fortune Marie, nice. Backwards. But it looked just like this. It was a circle. No, that's not backwards. For us it's not backwards. Oh, for me it is. But uh handsome listener made me this and but this is what the blessed this home looked like it was one of these circle things. Oh Thomas said it's crossed it. Oh cross crossed. What do we say? What are we calling? I said crochet. I don't know. Cross. Cross stitch. Are you calling Thomas a nerd? Not Thomas, just knowing anything about anything.

It's just it's not like a tea cozy or like a coaster or something. Yeah, this is just like a So wait, where do you have it hanging on your wall? I have it on my shelf. Um when I decorate my home. Yeah. This office I hope to eventually have a bunch of like a shelf or something in here where I can put fun trinkets on it. Someone also gave me an alpha. Um a stuffed outfit thing. Someone gave me a cro this was crocheted.

An owl a crocheted hooter's owl. How do you know it was crocheted? Yeah, I knew that. I don't know. And also, dream big. Look at you. Hoping one day you'll have a shelf. I know. Right here. Oh my gosh. I put my fortune, Marie on a shell. So yeah, not stolen, but I feel like that's adjacent. Oh my god. Then during Christmas you can have Alf on a shelf. Oh god, that's good. I love that. That's strong. I still got it. Still got it. Alf on a shelf.

That's pretty funny. It's good. It's really good. We gotta be honest. We might have to at our ho next hollybobs we might have to do that. Yeah. Alf Alf on a shelf. And it m also might be Merch where we can get uh an elf. We can get an elf, put in a Santa suit, or an elf suit. Tig have you ever regifted something or like Yeah, or or picked it out of the trash and I was I mean, um

I was at a some sort of industry, like um entertainment party long ago. Uh, and I was there with a comedian that has since gotten into trouble and um not discussed much anymore. Anyway, we were we were at this party having a ridiculous time and then he did He dared me to go up to the bar and just like Not hide. Just walk up uh'cause they had all of the alcohol out. Yeah. scotch or something and he was like, Will you just casually walk up and just grab that bottle and then

Bring it over to me and I was like, sure. Oh my god. I went over and uh nobody saw me and I just picked it up, walked over and handed it to him and we had a good laugh. This you love a dare. I wanna You wanna you wanna see what you can make Tig do? I wanna see what we can yeah, what we can get. Well there has to be

You know, it's like a certain thing where like if I got caught, I wouldn't be scared to get caught because it's so ridiculous. Like the jug of whiskey or whatever I took was like It it and and the fact that I didn't run off, like that I the dare was go up and just casually pick that up and like just spring it over to me. And so I I guess that's stealing and giving something as a present. Yeah that

That's exactly what that is. Exactly it. Yes. But he gifted it to himself. That's right. And probably drank it all. Uh-huh. Yeah, he probably did that night. Yeah. Right then.

That was a good one. What about you, May? I can't think of I can't think of a time I've stolen and gifted, but I have had a gift given to me that I later found out was stolen by in in grade seven. Ian Peach. He infamous. I was so excited because he came after school and it was snowing and he gave me this necklace and he said specifically that it was from Tiffany's. Grade seven, thirteen year old, right? But I'm like he's his you know, he's lo his family's loaded like

He lived in this nice era, so I'm like, maybe you went to Tiffany's and got me a I told everyone would have known what Tiffany's was in seventh grade. I told everyone in my class. I I was so Like I was just so deeply moved by it. And then the next time I was with him and all of his friends were there, I was like, Ian got me this and like and I was bragging about it and they all started laughing. And they said he stole it from the mall from a little stand, like one of those crap

Little carts, yeah. It wasn't from Tiffany's. No, and he stole it. Yeah. That yen. Yeah. And I I mean, if you could have seen the necklace, it was clearly it was not Tiffany. Yeah. It was like a diamond missing. Yeah. Uh one time I was at the Grove here in Los Angeles and I it was right when the Grove opened and some friend and it was like, Oh my gosh, the Grove.

And these friends of mine were eating But I mean true it was like, Oh my gosh, the grove is finally open and and um this group of friends of mine were eating at a restaurant there. And uh and they just told me the name of the restaurant. I had never been at the grove. Like I said, it just opened, so I was running around in a panic. I was a little late for dinner and um

And I there's this woman working at like a sunglasses cart or something at the grove. And I and I just said, excuse me, do you know where whatever restaurant is? And she So rude to me. And she goes Uh No, I don't hang out at the grove. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, but you work at a cart at the grove? Like I don't understand where the snobbery is. But it w it made me laugh so hard because I did I felt like a loser.

I don't hang out at the grove. Sorry, I don't hang out at the grove. I don't know where that is. Uh I hang out at the grove sometimes. I go to the cheesecake factory. We know you do, girl. You know it, Adam's peanut butter fudge cheesecake. Yeah. I just uh I always Really. I think about that woman every time I see one of those carts, like she just made me feel like the biggest loser that I had lunch plans in the ground. It's so funny how like

one interaction with a stranger and one sentence they said, you'll it'll stay with you your whole life. Like you'll you'll think about her, yeah, once a month or something. But I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. It's like when I when I saw that woman running for the subway and she she just about made it on and she sort of bumped into this other woman and the and then the woman goes Jesus. I've thought about it every day. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Yeah. I feel like that to have asked this question, yeah, that Tom pr must have had something on the top of his dome. I know. Yeah. Mom's a thief. That's what we're gonna find out. Mm-hmm. Oh, I did find a a ring once that um do you put quotes around find? Yeah. I found it. And uh it clearly was like costume jewelry. Uh huh. But I was like, my mom's ne never gonna know that this is not real. These trash gifts. And I gave my mom another trash gift.

I was like, man, I'm a great daughter. Look at all these gifts I'm giving my mom. Doesn't la pou belle mean the garbage? Does it? Thomas? Did I have a garbage make out? Lafoubelle means garbage? I thought it meant the gooter. No. Oh gosh. And we're not I was at La Fou. Foubel sounds like a vagina. Yeah, Pooh Bell. Fortune. Are you talking to me? I'm gonna blow your shooters and poobells off. Are you talking to me? How on earth is that what you've come up with?

I wouldn't have even come up with Barbell. Poo Bell doesn't sound like a vineyard. No. No. No. Okay. How does that sound like one? Like a poose pouss pousset? French. It's French. Cheese sauce. Clearly you guys don't speak. The language of love. Clearly. I would like to touch La Poubelle. I'm glad I was right about that, but we've had it, we've had a garbage. theme then. Trash gifts, lapoo bell, garbage vagina. But imagine if someone um

Someone um found your dumpster tits and tried to regift them. Oh yeah, do you think so? Repurpose your dumpster tits? Yeah, a couple of rodents, drag them o over to the Do these look familiar? There's those little nips. Or you see a rat with massive tits. Oh, good times. Everything about this episode made complete sense. Wait, has Tom told us? No, we're no we've got to hear it. Okay. Okay. Hit us, Tom.

Well, my answer is no. Of course I never steal. I'm not a monster. Set us up. Yeah, I stole. Uh and now I'm lying. So now I'm not only a lying monster I'm a a stealing monster and a lying monster uh a monster. Uh I was little, I was small, and I was Uh, I needed a gift from my grandmother. And my friend and I went down to town on our bikes and we went into a gift shop and I was looking around and I was like

Ooh, that little that little cup looks looks quaint and that looks grandmothery. Yeah. And the guy, the shopkeeper was kinda following us around, we were probably ten. and maybe eleven. And we were looking around and then uh I saw this cup and the the owner was like he knew we were up to no good. Kids don't have money. Why are you in a gift shop? And uh I found I I my friend distracted him and I stuck it in my shirt and I stole it.

Wow. Yeah, and uh got on my bike and went home and then I gave it to my grandmother. I gave it to my grandmother and it's She liked it. It was just a little thing. She liked it. and uh put it up on her shelf on her little grandma you know, like a little one of those little corner shelf grandmachky looking things with things. And that little mug sat on that shelf.

And I would come over and visit even like later, like in college and stuff, and it was always there and she would always point it out and I would just sit there and think. I stole that. I was sold that good. But it made her happy. Yeah. So was I wrong? I don't know. That's a whole nother question. Oh my god. Guess what? This is it. That's the mug. Oh my god. It was worth it. He stole it from his grandma. But I still have it. Wow. How much could it even have cost? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. He is. He's a terrible person. Yeah. But it actually reminded me of another I d I did. I li it uh in a similar story. Like I did. I stole something, I'm just remembering. And gave it to my friend. There was a pet store that I used to go into to look at animals just to like you know, just to see the cute little things. Oh, when you said that I could just smell it. I could smell the sawdust and the aquariums and the poop and yeah. Yeah. I see This little kitten in a cage. Oh no.

Oh wait, you stole a kitten? I opened the cage, put the kitten in my shirt, got on my bike, and r rode over to my friend's house. Oh and gave her the kitten. Yeah, and it was the same color as her bedspread and she named her kitten bedspread. And she kept it? Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, bedspread lucked out. Yeah. Wow, you stole a whole ass kitten. Well, it was just

It was in a cage and it was a just a little poof ball. Like imagine if you saw I didn't you know, I couldn't I c I knew I couldn't bring this kitten home. I don't know why I decided Kristen Mother would let her have it. But I was right. And then uh Bedspread's name became shortened to B S. PSO. You stole an entire creature. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in my ki my shirt and just Mew Mew Kitty City. Yeah.

Well, look at you. Everybody I'm a monster too. Yeah. I'm a monster. I've called the police on all of you. All right. Well. I just took stuff out of the trash. That's true. I'm just trash. I called Oscar the crouch. But you took something at a store, gum. I did when I was five. Well let me just to clarify to clarify I have stolen things. I just have gifted them. Your what? Your wabu was itching, sorry. Fortune Marie. I don't know YouTube. I don't mean to rub that in your face.

Your boob. Please don't Go to YouTube fortune just I'm not scratching it now. Okay, but you can rewind it, okay, or whatever you do, you go back. Fort you go to YouTube you can see Fortune scratching her My dumpster tit. Her dumpster tip. Oh you guys. Look at us.

Look at us doing it again. Yeah, see. I have a snow globe here. We're trying to wrap up the episode for chance. I'm just showing you what I got. All right. Well, um, I'll tell you what I got. What do you got? I am gonna be in um Tucson on February twenty sixth. Santa Fe, uh February 27th, Ventura, California, February 28th.

It just goes on and on and on. Largo, March sixth, go to Tignotaro.com and uh all show information will be on there. And sometimes dates do change, so apologies, and that's usually due to Star Trek shooting dates. So my deep apologies if that does happen. That just happened with me. I had to reschedule. Yeah. And I deeply apologize for that as well. Yes. Yes.

I would love people to spend Valentine's Day with me if they live in New York City. If you're a bar kisser. If you're a bar kisser, come to the show February 14th at the Beacon Theater. Um that's my big show coming up. And then I'll have San Diego in early March. All the rescheduled dates are on my website. They have new dates in the spring and into early summer. Um, I'm coming to a lot of fun places, so check it out.

I am my well, it's it's coming. My tour is happening so soon. I'm starting in Oklahoma City, February 26th. And then Houston on February twenty-seventh and Dallas on February twenty eighth. Then New Orleans March first. And go to Maymartin.net for all the rest of the shows. There's I'm going to thirty-seven cities. A lot of them are selling out, which I'm so grateful. Um, but some of them are not. So come to those ones, please.

And I love everyone. Thank you. Aww. Subscribe to YouTube. Share your favorite episodes like this one with a friend and uh help build the handsome community. And get your merch. Uh you can get your own peanut butter bitch. Mm-hmm. Shirt, Fortune Marie shirt, and uh if you keep getting'em, we'll keep making all these crazy ass shirts. Isn't it Frau Chafowie? I don't know. You don't know. Whatever. Dance till you die. Dance till you die, Frau Chafowy. Until next time, keeping it.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Themster, Tignataro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Wulet. Email us at handsome pod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a headgum podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart.

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Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, I'm Drew Offwalo. And I'm Dason Offwalo. And we host the Headgum Podcast Two Idiot Girls. Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving.

And anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every