This is a head gum podcast. This is a head gum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that the forecast calls for rain before planning that moody, rainy day walk. The one where you catch your own reflection in a puddle and notice how beautiful you truly are. Checking first is smart.
So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. When it comes to grocery shopping and meal planning, I've got this problem. I want to eat healthier, but I feel like my ready-to-go options as well as takeout and fast food leave me feeling worse after eating, not better.
That all changed thanks to Hungry Root. It's the easiest way to eat healthy. With Hungry Root, you can specifically tell the site what you're looking for and they'll help you find it. It's like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. I just cooked up their organic lemongrass.
tofu nuggets and they were a hit with my sons and I enjoyed them too. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com slash handsome and use code handsome. That's hungryroot.com slash handsome code. Handsome to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Hungryroot.com slash handsome, code handsome.
Are you struggling with the state of the world? Me too. That's why FOLKS Health is so important. They offer therapy, mental health care, gender-affirming care, and more, all from the convenience of your home. health care that was built for our community by our community. And booking online is easy. They have dedicated LGBTQ plus expert clinicians and therapists nationwide. And the wait time for an appointment is typically less than two days.
Plus, they accept insurance, so your appointment can be as low as $15. Easy online booking, short wait times, transparent costs, and affirming care built for our community. The first 100 people to sign up with the code HANDSOME get one month free membership to Folks Health. Go to folxhealth.com to sign up. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Hi, it's me, your friend.
Tig Notaro. I'm sitting here with my co-host. I'm your friend and confidante, Mae Martin. And I'm Fortune Feimster. Welcome to the handsome podcast. It's just so smooth every time. We are very happy to be here and we are very happy to have you right here at handsome headquarters. There's been a few changes here. There's no dilly-dallying, no silliness. We're just getting straight to the important business. No jokes. It's all politics and heavy talk here on Handsome.
Did you get that memo, Fortune? I didn't get that. I better watch the news. Yucky. Are facts allowed? Facts are not allowed. No, what am I going to say? Not in this. Climate. What if we did just become... all politics oh my god we would not like ourselves if we became a politics podcast but none of us did any research or anything it was just what we know now nobody does anymore well everyone does their own research right right
Yeah, I was thinking about buying a set of Encyclopedia Britannica for my house. And then I thought I'm just like, that feels like I'm just giving up on the world. I'm just retreating into this 90s bubble of like things were better than like. I can't be surrounded by encyclopedias that are outdated. A 90s bubble.
Just by getting encyclopedias? I don't feel like encyclopedias represent the 90s in the way that you think they do. Those are the middle days encyclopedia-wise. I guess that's my assumption. is like lying in my parents' basement reading these.
yeah yeah you're right you're right they probably were around a lot longer right oh they've been around for so much longer in fact the 90s that was the tail end of anyone caring right you know about encyclopedias my friend used to go door-to-door selling Well, can you hit up your friend and talk? Give them my address. Well, I think he works for AI now. Oh, geez. I'm in Google. Yeah. I think I think about...
Kurt Cobain, when I think about the 90s, I don't think about encyclopedias. Or Kurt Loder. Kurt Loder? Who's Kurt Loder? MTV. From MTV. But he was also the 80s. Well, he was all of it. Yeah. He was who I got my news from. Yeah. Okay, who do you, okay, rapid fire, who do you associate with the 80s, aside from Kurt Loder? Cindy Lauper. George Michael. Nice. 70s? James Taylor. Village people. 60s?
Janis Joplin. I should have said the Beatles. Who? The people that dance on the beach. Hey, big surfer, what are you doing? I'm having a beach party without you. I want to hold your hand. Wait, I've never heard that beach thing. I mean, that's not a real song, but there was an era in that time where there was like Frankie Valley.
Right. They had like beach parties. Whenever, not whenever, Stephanie and I aren't sitting around talking about the 60s all the time. But to Stephanie, the 60s, that's like... Very far away. Well, no, I can't remember how like the the kind of look of a housewife in the 60s. And I guess, well, Mad Men was in the 50s, but it turned into the 60s. Is that right? yeah usually how it works yeah well how dare you i hadn't seen the show so i don't know if the show went into the 60s but um
I feel like that was the reference point that she had for the 60s. She talked about that world of the 60s. Whereas to me, the 60s is like... jimmy hendrix yeah janice joplin revolution yeah because she she was like oh you know the 60s and she described fashion and i was like wow i picture bell bottoms and she was like bell-bottoms were the 70s and I was like no they were the 60s too well yeah it's kind of end of 60s early 70s yeah right now Kendrick Lamar
For the Super Bowl. Oh, yeah. I saw that Kendrick Lamar. Do you know who is obsessed with Kendrick Lamar? Your boys? Finn. Really? Oh, my God. That's so cute. He was putting his playlist together. For what? Last night and this morning to get him ready for his basketball game. He's like, they're not like us. They're not like us. I mean, and also, what is your opinion on this? I'm very curious, Thomas included.
And not to single you out right now, like I don't care about your opinion other times, Thomas, but because you've known Max and Finn since the day they were born, I'm going to include you in this. But how would any of you feel? With your kid listening to music that had really vulgar and inappropriate language in their eight. I don't think I would love it right now. Yeah. I think I'd...
be okay with it if I talked to them about it and said, you know, sometimes it's cathartic to say these words and like, it's art, you know, and you can't just say them all the time unless you really mean it. That's what my mom always said to me. Okay, Mr. Thomas. Yeah, my parents let me read whatever books and listen to whatever music I wanted. And they would have commentary about it. But I think it was helpful to feel like...
I could explore whatever I needed to or was curious about. But it is tricky. I mean. I probably was listening to milder music than Kendrick Lamar. They might have had stronger opinions. Yeah. I mean, he's awesome, but there are many explicit words. Well, yeah. When I was like saying to Finn about like. The language. He was like, he won a Pulitzer Prize. Oh, that is true. True. Yeah. I didn't know that. He was like, yeah, he's he's really great. He wins awards. And and I was like.
Totally get that. But I mean, there's really vulgar stuff. And I guess our feeling is, I mean, he loves him. so much he can rap all of his songs like at the same speed that you can't take that away from him yeah well exactly and also we have talked to him about certain words that are in in that uh like the n word is in in there he can't be running around no well no and stephanie was like she talked to him them both of them while i was out of town saying
this is not just a bad word, this is hate speech. Right. And explained how and why. Just went into the whole thing of racism. Well, I feel like with Kendrick, like... like as long as the like the messaging is good like it's you know in the early 2000s you wouldn't have wanted your kids singing some of that stuff that was like so misogynistic and violent but you know as long as the message is good
But anyway, it's interesting. Why am I telling you about? I don't know. I don't know how we got onto this. I think I brought it up. Bell bottoms. Oh, yes. Oh, right. Yes. That was like a dream day. The Super Bowl with Kendrick Lamar at halftime. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Does Finn want bell bottoms now? I'm waiting to see. Oh, I would love that. Because he wears his drip. Do you know what drip is? A chain? Yeah. Finn wears his gold chains. And it's called drip.
you know and so uh yeah he wanted gold chains and so now he has some gold chains he's got some drip and i hope bell bottoms come back like like a bit of androgyny would be nice like and my dad used to wear like platform shoes and eyeliner and stuff like why why didn't that come back yeah that's so interesting i never thought about bell bottoms being uh androgynous but i guess like and robert plant wearing like skin tight
I feel like these days people would be like, they're queer baiting. I think I saw somewhere that those, he has the same stylist as Timothee Chalamet. Oh, no way. Those had been pulled for Timothy, but Kendrick ended up wearing them. I really want that stylist, whoever that is. And fortune, that is such a Hollywood term. Pulled that for him. Pulled that. Yeah. Because it's a $1,300 pair of jeans. It is. But.
Do people, I don't know, maybe people all around pulled that, meaning set it out for you. Pulled it off the rack. Pulled it off the rack and set it out for you. Yeah, they pulled that outfit for me. $1,300. I wish I'd held on to. There's Celine. I don't think your old bell bottoms are worth $1,300, May. Is that what you're thinking? Well, I used to go to... sporting life on young street and i'd get my adidas tearaway pants and my really bell bottom skinny jeans i've never had bell bottoms really
I got to show off my gams. I'm in short shorts. Yeah. Do you wear short shorts so short that like a little bit of your moon is hanging out at the bottom? Oh, my butt? Yeah. I don't have a butt, so ain't no moon. You don't have a butt this flat? I have no butt. How do you sit down? I have zero butt. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.
Like, you know, to check that your deck of playing cards hasn't been tampered with by a magician before playing your weekly game of Texas Hold'em poker. Nobody wants to deal with a disappearing ace of hearts. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you. You hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance. Company and Affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois.
We want to tell you about a podcast that you should check out. It's called Drive with Jim Farley. It's where Ford CEO Jim Farley talks to some of his favorite people about what they drive and what drives them to succeed. You'll hear people you may already know, like Kelly Clarkson, Jay Leno, and Rob Gronkowski, aka Gronk, but through a lens you've probably never heard before, what they drive.
I checked out a few episodes of Drive with Jim Farley, and it was the perfect listen while driving around town. You guys know I'm a big old fan of Kelly Clarkson, and it was awesome hearing her talk about working in a movie theater, and Jim talks about his cousin, Chris Farley. Yep, that Chris Farley. Whether you're into cars or just love a good conversation, I think you're going to enjoy Jim's show.
To listen to Drive with Jim Farley, just search for Drive with Jim Farley in your podcast app. That's Drive with Jim Farley. Attention, fellow sleepers. Handsome wants to tell you about Helix mattresses, the most incredible sleep surfaces you'll ever experience. I've had night sweats. I've had back pain.
I've had rampant insomnia, but now I'm sleeping through the night with ease thanks to my Helix mattress. If you're listening to this ad, you're most likely awake. But in the not too distant future, you'll be asleep.
Why not treat yourself to amazing sleep with a Helix mattress? Here's how it works. Go to helixsleep.com. You fill out their quick and easy survey and they recommend you a mattress suited to your needs. If you sleep with a partner, you can both fill out the survey. I'm a side sleeper. So I got the Helix Midnight, a medium feel mattress that relieves the pressure points of my shoulders and my hips.
No matter your sleep issues or style, Helix has a mattress for you. Right now, Helix is having a March Madness sale with 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash handsome for 20% off. That's helixsleep.com slash handsome for 20% off site-wide on their March Madness sale. helixsleep.com slash handsome. I like when you can see someone's butt coming out of their short shorts. I wish I hadn't said that. I'm such an old fuddy-duddy. That's not my thing. I've been seeing, especially girls.
in the airports wearing these yes shorts with their asses hanging out and i'm like in the airport grandpa fortune grandpa fortune i'm a grandpa with that stuff i'm just like It's freezing on those planes. Yeah. And they're gross seats. Why are you letting your asshole? Wait, what? I'm sorry. I think I dozed off for a minute. There are buttholes literally hanging out of their shorts. There's no way it's not getting germs from those seats.
What airport are you going to? Go on any plane. They're disgusting. Rectum is hanging? Like, I don't understand. Like, their butts literally hanging out of these shorts. Uh-huh. And I'm sure a part of their butthole. exposed as well my god why don't you ask them i want to say ma'am do you need some more material what is it called when your rectum kind of falls out
Prolapse. Prolapse. Are you saying that these young girls have prolapsed rectums? No, I'm just saying they need to let their shorts be a teeny bit longer. Because if it's a medical condition. I just don't want to see someone's butt hanging out or short to the airport. Would you rather see a prolapsed anus? No. What do you want to see? I think a portion would like to see, like in the old days.
Like, or even my dad still sort of dresses up to take a flight. Like, he'll put on a nice jacket. Oh, I don't need that. I'm still in full sweatpants. Oh, okay. You want, yeah. I just don't need to see your ass hanging out of your shorts. Okay. Not even mine? Not even yours, Tig. I'm glad you guys can only see me from the shoulders up right now. Oh my gosh. You still have short shorts and not see your butthole.
How? I've never seen a butthole, to clarify, hanging out of a very short... Oh, that surprises me. Can I shift gears here? Yeah, please. Church? I made apple pancakes this morning. Ooh, how was that? With your prolapsed anus? No. I just have finally like settled into this house and I am.
since yesterday yeah yeah and i'm gonna start when we talked yeah so i bought like some groceries and then this morning i i had the i had a some pancake mix and i was gonna make a regular pancake and then i thought I couldn't do more than that. And so I chopped up an apple, fried it in some butter and cinnamon, then poured the pancake batter in. What a day. And how did it come out? Five minutes late to record.
You're finishing your pancakes. Don't let us bother you. Oh, it's handsome time. We're sitting here on the Zoom for seven extra minutes. I have no idea. is just sitting there casually eating pancakes with a prolapsed anus hanging out of your shorts. Were they good?
They were really good. They needed, there was something missing. I don't know what, but yeah, I got to take, this is the first time you've seen my, my house, but that won't be how the window looks permanently. I have no judgment. I secretly was like, well, the. Can I tell you about the house I live in? Yeah. Very nice house. Yeah. However, Stephanie and I moved in when Max and Finn were one. Okay. They were tiny babies.
And so we didn't put anything on the walls for a long time. Thomas, I don't know if you remember this. We didn't even have furniture in our living room. We only had like play pins and stuff. And Max and Finn were like the most. active into everything kids. And then together it was like, they weren't like, you know, I don't even want to know kid is bad, but like they weren't.
They were just so active. Yeah, yeah. And so we were like, we are not decorating our house at all, okay? And then the pandemic hits, and we're like, well, we can't. redo our house or like you know do any we're just gonna we have to wait till it's safe again yeah um and then we started to think oh we're gonna move we're gonna get a different house and then we didn't And now Max and Finner 8. I never would have noticed, but Stephanie pointed out, we have, our house is so outdated. And I have...
I don't have a good eye for that. I do now because I feel because Stephanie has pointed things out, but it's taken us so like the countertops and like certain like. Yeah.
molding across around the ceiling and stuff like that so for me to look at that window behind you which is truly almost exposed to the outside but yeah that is nothing to me the size and now i'm gonna make it the size of that but i'm gonna put a stained glass um and you get to design what kind of stained glass pattern you want so i'm open to suggestions maybe a prolapse
I have a hole in my wall. Oh, you do? What's that from? My plumbing went kaput in this bathroom. Oh. And they opened up the wall trying to get to it, a busted pipe, and it didn't. It didn't go anywhere. So it's just a hole in the wall. They had to go through the tile to get to the pipe. So I have like thousands of dollars worth of damage for one busted pipe. Oh my gosh. Are they going to fill up the holes? Yeah, in the next week or two.
Sorry. The buttholes? Well, I guess I'm just trying to say we're all going through it with our houses, all right? Well, it's a long process, and probably you and Stephanie were like, oh, we'll just live in it. And then we'll get to know what it needs. Yeah, we're going to do this. And we kept kicking it down the road. But then you're living in it. You're like, it's all right. Well, and we have friends.
That my friend's partner is like a really talented carpenter handyman kind of guy. Wait, are you talking about Jonathan Scott? Well, no, I mean... He is a very talented handyman. Friend that doesn't have time for our ridiculous things. Jonathan Scott's going around being people's handyman. He's the nicest guy, and I've certainly abused the friendship a few times.
But no, this is a friend who lives in Texas, and her partner is really talented, and he's supposed to come and make our life right. Oh, nice. That's good. Yeah, but who knows when that's going to happen. So all I'm saying is I feel you on the window, May. Thanks. I was very butch last night. Oh, why? Let's hear about it. But you're getting so girly to talk about your butchiness. You guys, oh my gosh, gather around. Let me tell you how butchy I was.
effing believe how butch I was last night girl tell us girl let me tell you what I did um I got home and um I noticed that the there's a large olive tree well not it's like a olive tree but it's not like a tall tall tree it's more like a big large bush oh an olive bush okay and um it had gotten very unruly So Jax is out of town and I'm like, what else am I going to do? Besides, you know, maybe order food from Cheesecake Factory. Exactly. What else does one do?
So I got our, we have like a, what is this called? Sheer axe. Scythe. Toothbrush. Oh, electric trimmer. Electric trimmer. Yes. I got it out of the garage. And I trimmed that bush, baby. But it was tall. And I was like, I was like, probably shouldn't have done this. But I was like doing it over my head like. You were making that noise with your mouth when you were doing it. And there was nothing in your hands. I couldn't believe how much I took off of it.
Yeah. And it's a beautiful round shape. Can you post a picture on our social media, please? Yeah. It's very boring what it looks like. It's not like I made a swan. It doesn't matter. Please, can you take a picture of it? And we'll post it on social. We need content, remember? Now, let me ask you this. Had you ever done this before? Or were you like, I got some free time. The lady's away. Truth be told, I did it once before. I didn't know we had an electric trimmer.
until Jax one day took it out to trim this other small bush that is between us and our neighbor's house. It was getting unruly. That pineapple apart. Yeah. It was getting unruly, so she started... trimming that and i was like oh i didn't even know we had this uh-huh and then she put it down so i was like let me see how this i was like oh this is easy and guys i trimmed that bush so much
Did you feel really like you'd accomplished, like that's, you go to bed better that night. Yeah, I felt handy as F. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Did you listen to a podcast while you did it or you just let the sound of the buzzing? No, I had, I just used. I just used my imagination. When she was using the imaginary tremor, she was like, Wee! Biggie was outside with me, not near the tremor, but we just...
I mean, I didn't need to distract myself. I was just one with nature while I cut it down. That's nice. Oh, man, I want that. I want to be present. There's some nature. There's some butch lesbian listening to this right now who lives in like South Dakota. You think we have a lesbian following? I don't think we have any lesbian listeners.
in the woods right now listening to our podcast while she's like got an axe in one hand and a giant leaf blower in another and i love that like laughing like fortune thinks that's butch and let me tell you janice Yes, it is. You think that's butch? I took out my own appendix with no anesthetic. Wait, Janice is a butchy name to you? Yeah. Janice!
Janice, I picture the receptionist from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, even though I don't think that's her name, but that's what I picture for Janice a little bit. Linda? Is that better? Linda? What about Terry? Yeah, Terry's more. Terry. My name's Terry. That's a good one. Maxine. Terry's got a carabiner and is about to take you on a boat ride around the lake.
Stephanie does this character of like a husband that yells at his wife, who's named Linda, about the cat getting into his office. He's like, Linda! The cat's in my office. Linda, come get the cat. Oh, God. What if one of us had a husband? I might have one of us. I still could. Yeah. Hey, do you want a husband? I thought I knew you like guys, but do you?
Would you be into an actual husband? Like guys. Loves guys. Loves guys. But also, would you ever want a husband? Yeah, I would have a... If I met a guy who was like... obsessed with me then yeah yeah i'd love a husband i think if i met a guy who was obsessed with me and let me have a girlfriend no i think i could i think i'm like i maybe i
I'd be insecure. Like I wouldn't believe that he was really into it if he was obsessed. Yeah. I might also want a girlfriend on the side, but I would love, I would be happy with the husband. Wait a minute. So, but when you're hooking up with men now. Don't you think some of them are obsessed with you, just like some women are? Or do you not see yourself as obsessible? I think in the moment of...
And I dated a guy for like six months a few years ago, and that was great. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I think, yeah. It's a little scarier when men are obsessed. Well, no, I mean, I don't mean like. Take it from fortune. Take your nail. Sorry. No offense. Hashtag not all men, but. you know fortune's got some pretty spooky stories of dude she got a niggle for every man that was obsessed with this old gal and have a lot of niggles yeah
Yeah, no, I would almost want to have a husband just to shock you guys. I'm going to kill spiders. Yeah. Sometimes a husband, the idea sounds nice, but then I'm like. That's just a roommate. Well, that's because you're not in, you're not romantically inclined that way. But I've had girlfriends who, every girlfriend I've had actually is probably braver than me at like spiders and stuff. Well, I don't know. If you heard how butch I am. I pick up spiders with my bare hands. What? Yeah. Terry.
Yes, I know. Terry picks them up, tosses them out, and my whole family calls me country mouse. Why do you do it with your head? So do you think... They won't bite? Well, I can kind of tell that they're just little house spiders. Yeah, yeah. You know, we don't have, like... Black widows. Yeah, we're not, like, in the middle of Australia over here. They are in LA, though. Huh? Black widows are in LA?
Yeah? Oh, fuck. And they get through... radial windows too you know no don't say that oh my god i'm gonna see them crawling in behind me yeah it's easy if uh also if you have like a piano backed up to the radial window playing piano If you, you'll hear eight, you know, keys. I went to stay in a bed and breakfast in Wales with my friend and I booked it. I was like. With Debbie? No, I wish.
And I was like, this place looks so adorable. And we arrived and then the woman took us to our room and she goes, oh, well, you've got company tonight. And we went, what do you mean? And then she points to the ceiling and there were spiders all over it. No. And we said, well, can you get rid of them? She went, oh, they'll only come back. They'll only come back. And they'll be pissed and they'll kill you. And did they stay on the ceiling? Yeah, they were. I mean, we just had to fall asleep.
My nightmare. It was hell. It was hell to me. A bed and breakfast. And the bathroom was carpeted and the carpet was damp in the bathroom. I stayed in a hotel. In a motel with other people. Yeah. I was in a room with a rat. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they couldn't find it. And there was no other extra room. And it was like, oh, my gosh. And then also.
Obviously, you know, the comedian Morgan Murphy, she and I shared a room, a motel room in Austin so many years ago. I'll have to find this video of us. In a room. And there was a roach in there that was the size of a horse. Oh, and we were squealing like little tiny girls. And then we couldn't find it. And then we saw it again. And then.
It walked out the door. Really? Like under the door. It just left. Oh, it was like, I'm out. Yeah, and I was laughing like it knows it's in a gross motel room. It was like, this place is disgusting. I wish I knew about this sooner. Satin is so bad for you. But Blissey's Silk? An incredible game change. Ditch cotton pillowcases for Blissey's Silk and you'll see less fine lines. and healthier hair in weeks.
They're better than cotton and better than synthetic satin, which is cheap for a reason. Blissey's got so many benefits we barely have time to barrel through them all. Blissey is great for your hair and skin. Its anti-aging properties reduce fine lines and wrinkles over time. Plus, on the hair side of things, silk eliminates frizz,
preserves your hairstyle, and protects color-treated hair. Dermatologists have tested Blissey and dermatologists now recommend Blissey, especially since it's clinically proven to not clog pores, unlike cotton. I've been using mine for so long now. I can never go back to a regular old cotton pillowcase. If you haven't tried Blissey,
you're missing out. Because you're a listener, Blissey is offering 60 nights risk-free plus an additional 30% off when you shop at blissey.com slash handsome. That's B-L-I-S-S-Y dot com slash handsome. and use code handsome to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you. When it comes to food and so many other things, it's hard to know what's actually good for our kids. That's why I love.
thrive market it's like having a personal guide to healthier living for my entire family now food is one area where i feel like i got it covered Thrive Market makes it simple to find trusted, family-friendly brands without spending hours in the grocery store. From snacks and school lunches to pantry staples, everything they offer is 100% non-GMO. I know what my kids like to eat, so it's easy to create a filter for those foods and make shopping for them a breeze.
Plus, Thrive Market's smart cart feature takes the guesswork out of healthy shopping. When you create an account, they ask about your family's needs and automatically build a cart full of cleaner versions of your favorite brands. I've been loving Banza's Chick... Pea spaghetti pasta, for example. Ready for a junk-free start to 2025? Head to thrivemarket.com and get 30% off your first order, plus a free $60 gift. That's T-H-R-I-V-E.
market.com slash handsome thrivemarket.com slash handsome this year why not let audible expand your life by listening Explore over 1 million audiobooks, podcasts, and exclusive audible originals that'll inspire and motivate you. Tap into your well-being with advice and insights from leading professionals and experts on better health, relationships, career...
finance, investing, and more. Maybe you want to kick a bad habit or start a good one. Or maybe you realize it's time to start prioritizing your own happiness. If so, might I recommend Mel Robbins' latest The Let Them Theory? Narrated by Mel herself, it teaches you how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control and start focusing on what truly matters. You, listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself.
Start listening today at audible.com.uk. But that's funny that you're fine picking up spiders, but then that roach spun you out. Yeah, roaches are a different thing. And plus, like... Living in Mississippi as a kid, I got very scarred because roaches not only are gigantic, not only do they fly, but they have necks. And heads. Oh my god. What do you mean?
Exactly what I'm saying, May. They are large with wings and they have necks. Cockroaches have necks is a new... I've got to write that down so I don't forget that. Write that down. I need to write that down. And with that... We should get on to our guests, shall we? Well, today's question askers are two soccer stars who have won multiple gold medals.
as members of the U.S. women's soccer team. They're also entrepreneurs and podcasters. Their show, Recap, is all about global soccer and women's sports. And on top of that... They're an amazing, awesome, cool couple. Tobin Heath and Kristen Press are asking today's question. Hello, handsome. I'm Kristen Press. And I'm Tobin Heath. And we are not entirely sure how we got the call up to be on your amazing show because we are notoriously...
Fun but not funny. And our show, The Recap Show, we laugh a lot, but it's mostly people laughing at us, not with us. Although I feel like you've found your sense of humor on the show. Yeah. You're always so serious sometimes. Am I funny or am I serious? Oh, that's the question. Okay, so we have a question for you all. And Tobin forgot it. No, I know the question. Are you a sports fan for those of us?
For those of you who don't know, we play sports. We play soccer. So we're wondering, are you sports fans? What teams do you support? And do you think that sports was... made for you? Are the commentators, players, are they entertaining for you? Are they calling in women, non-binary people, our demographic? Why or why not? Thanks for the support. So I will start off by saying this is very exciting for me. I am a huge fan of our U.S. women's.
national soccer team. I have the honor of getting to announce the roster, uh, for our women's world cup team. ended up winning gold baby yes fortune thank you so anyone who follows women's soccer knows that Tobin and Kristen are legends they are Two of the best to have ever played. Watching them was such a treat. They're pretty incredible and they're doing a ton for women's sports and helping to like.
bring it more to the forefront and covering it with their podcasts and a lot of their other endeavors. Just two people that are really very big voices for women's sports. many many years people did not know they were a couple people had speculations and when they finally came out in recent times it um broke the internet for the women's sports fans how long have they been together i think like eight years oh wow but only out only publicly for in the last like year maybe
Wow. Do you know what they did? Liberating. They went to the ESPY Awards. They took a picture on the carpet together holding pinkies. Oh. And everyone was like, gay.
Those are the gayest pinkies I've ever seen. Oh, man. Well, even when they were asking the question, they were like, do you feel like the commentators and things are for you? I was like, oh, I never thought about that. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard a sort of... queer or non-binary or i don't hear many female commentators but also i need to be i've always watched the the world cup the men's world cup soccer and the european cup and stuff and uh sometimes i watch
premier league in england but then i i never ended up watching women's soccer because i was always with like groups of friends and pubs and things yeah and then now it's fine finally people are playing in pubs and i got really into the British women's soccer team. And when I watched it, I was like, this is such better TV because A, they're not faking injuries every five seconds. They're like...
playing incredibly well with precision in there. But yeah, there just isn't as much, not to generalize, but it felt like there wasn't as much ego. And like, I mean, some of those games for the World Cup where people are just... like somersaulting and then they show the replay and nobody touched them it's insane it feels like the women's teams don't do that as much yeah now can i say something yeah
Um, may, you know, he'll say things like, um, no press. Yeah. Like no pressure and stuff like that. Yeah. I thought when you just said, yeah, and I watched it in pubs with people. Yeah. I thought you meant like in public. In pubs. But I liked it so much that I really would like for people to take that and run. And if we could get a new...
word craze going? Like, yeah, let's meet up in pubs. Yeah, let's meet up in pubs. Oh, yeah. Well, they were a couple, but they were never in pubs together. I think I'm a naturally athletic person. And I was very drawn to soccer as a child. I played from the time I was five until I was 11 or 12, something like that. Then I started smoking and I just kind of went down the rock and roll, like, what's up path. But Max and Finn are like obsessed.
Well, Finn really is obsessed. Max plays, but we kind of suspect it's just to be around Finn. And he's good. He's really good. But Finn is, as you know, very into stats and the history of different... And he wants to go to all the different stadiums. Right. You know. Anyway, my brother is very into sports. And so I played with him as a kid. But I was just telling Stephanie last night.
Because when we were falling asleep, she was mentioning this baseball player named Tatis, who is on the San Diego Padre baseball team. And I was like, oh, right, Tatis is on. the Padres and Stephanie said isn't it so funny how many sports people like you know their names and I and I said that is so funny because the last time I knew
sports figures names was in the 70s when I was growing up with my brother. And I knew football players, baseball players, basketball, all of that. And I would say I... Catch things on TV, but I don't naturally gravitate towards it as an adult. I did stop smoking, but I'm still cool. But I enjoy going to live. games like we've gone to see angel city yeah we go see the dodgers you know all that kind of stuff so that's it's kind of for
To be around my family. For your kids. Yeah. I would really like to go to a game with you guys. That would be amazing. I'm saying that mainly because I... I have a feeling you can get tickets and that you get good seats. I want to go because you can get tickets. I wouldn't know where to start. Thank you. That's so... flattering i guess i guess get me a ticket while you're at it then i'm mainly saying that because i know you can get me a ticket well we'd love to have you may put it that way
I love sports. I played them my whole life. I started soccer when I was five years old because my brothers were playing and I wanted to do anything that they did. And I was... kind of girly my mom had me in dresses and then i discovered soccer and that was it it was like umbrose soccer was my life i was obsessed with it I started playing tennis because my oldest brother played tennis. So I started that at seven. Oh, my God. What I wouldn't pay to see seven-year-old.
Fortune playing tennis. Oh, my God. That's so cute. I know. Thinking of me playing tennis at seven is wild. I also played t-ball. I started in t-ball. Is that like softball? What is t-ball? It's t-balls where the... base the it's a softer ball and it's on a oh on a sits on a tee and you just try to hit it off it's like for little little kids yeah and then i was um Kid of the 80s and 90s, so I had a basketball goal in my backyard and nothing to do, so I just shot basketballs all day.
And I'm assuming you had encyclopedias as well. Tons of encyclopedias. It was the 90s after all. So when I get to... Junior high, we didn't have a women's soccer team and I had played with boys my whole life and they didn't allow girls to play on the boys team in school. So I had to quit soccer and began playing tennis, softball, basketball.
And did that all throughout junior high and high school. Then I played college tennis all four years. And then my senior year of college, after having not played soccer since I was 12, I joined the college soccer team as well. Do you watch it regularly now? I watch only women's soccer. I don't really enjoy the men's soccer, kind of based on what you were saying earlier.
So much faking. Though I like, you know, Messi and players like Zidane, like these legends, I obviously followed their career, but I prefer the women's soccer. World Cup is like my... dream i love the olympics all that stuff when the olympics was on i was watching everything yeah but i don't watch like sports on the reg like i don't really i'm not really into the nba i'll watch like you're not like finn
Yeah, I'll watch like the Super Bowl and I enjoy watching the Dodgers. This just popped into my head because you were saying Zinedine Zidane and then and the 90s like that, like those were. I would watch the like Petit and Barthez and stuff like that. And there was this guy called Michael Owen who was like the star of the England team in the World Cup when I was a kid that was like most memorable to me.
And he was so young. And anyway, I just Googled it because I was like, did I invent this? He said famously that he'd only watched eight movies in his life. And he just, he tweeted. Recently, I watched my eighth ever film on the flight home. I must have been bored. I hate, hashtag hate films. So he's only watched eight movies and the movies he's watched are Rocky, Heat. Ghost, Jurassic Park, Cool Runnings, Seabiscuit, Karate Kid, and Forrest Gump. And he hates them all? He hates them all.
Some of his choices are questionable. I know, I know. Oh, my gosh. Max and Finn watched Cool Runnings on a loop for about two years. That movie was fun. Oh, my gosh. They loved it so much. The Jamaican bobsled team. I also want to say. I'm realizing I didn't just start smoking and go down the I'm cool road. I started not doing well in school and they started not letting me play anymore.
And I don't agree with that mentality that if you make bad grades, you can't play sports because I think it's a pile on against like... destroying your self-esteem they always do that in school they punish you by taking away the thing that you want to do the elective thing that you're passionate about well yeah and i think that if you i think that that If you're excelling in a sport, that can make you...
feel better about yourself or if you're excelling in music or you know what I mean I don't know I just don't feel like sports should be taken away from someone yeah because they're struggling in school because maybe you have a lot of rough stuff going on at home, you know, and that's something that's going to save your life is music or sports or some sort of camaraderie, you know, but instead I kind of.
Yeah, I just, I was like on the outside smoking in the woods, you know? Yeah. I remember I was told I couldn't do drama the following year. I thought you were going to say drugs. Yeah. Well, that too, but they were. I wasn't allowed to do drama for the following year because I was so bad at math. So they just made me do more math. And it was like, how is that going to, right? I switched schools because I was like, that's crazy. Take away the thing that, yeah, keeps you engaged.
I feel like sports helped me get through my childhood. Yeah. When things were like chaotic at home or my parents were divorcing and things were just like sometimes just not good. And I didn't want to be at home. I just felt like so lucky I had practice to go to. And that camaraderie is important and builds you up and teaches you how to be a... teammate and cheer for other people and support other people there's a lot of cool lessons so yeah to take that away from a kid would be hard
For schools or teachers to be like, you failed, you're off the team. That black and whiteness is so, I think, it's really, really bad news because... The support that kids get in these extracurricular activities where they're maybe falling so far behind academically. The other... classes or activities can be what saves them and keeps them on the right track and feel that they're not being cut out of life and on the outside.
Do you guys cry when you watch sports? I cry every time anyone scores a goal. Oh my God, you and Stephanie. I grew up in sports movies. Oh, man, I cry when anyone wins or scores a goal. I mean, I can't say that she does that. She's not as unhinged. But no, she. She's very emotional about sports, but also sports movies. And then sports documentaries and things like that. Oh, yeah. There's some really good ones out there. She gets real wrapped up. Netflix has a lot of sports.
documentaries right now even I'm not like a big track person but sometimes I'll watch Sprint just to like see all the work that goes into these professional athletes lives is pretty like impressive. I could never have that kind of dedication. Well, in that way, I mean, it takes a very special person. That's why there's only so many professional athletes. But yeah, it's too much nutrition for me. Not to get like zeitgeisty or like.
political but when you're talking about like how valuable sports can be for young people who feel alienated or are struggling it just it makes me so sad that trans kids are not being allowed to play sports and that that's become such a It's such a tiny percentage of the population and it's so not a threat. But anyway. Yeah. Anyway. It's a, it is.
This is a very, very weird time. It's a weird time. I mean, weird is putting it way too casually, but yeah, it all reverberates in every direction, I think. In and out of sports and people's, you know, you can be like, oh, this is my belief. I'm protecting. women it's like why why is this where you're protecting women yeah like why why is this like what aren't you trying to keep them alive
Yeah, why doesn't it apply to reproductive rights or anything like that? Also, I would say, because I totally understand people's knee-jerk response to the sports thing, but I would just encourage people to... do some research, read some stats, and all the information is out there to clarify what's going on there. And I think if you want to protect women, yeah, aside from...
These issues, it's like women are being abused and raped. And where was everyone's concern about protecting women with those issues? Why is it coming out? in sports when we elected a rapist yeah yeah into office but you know as we mentioned we're uh not Political podcast. If you want to get your politics, go to a political podcast. We are not the one, but sometimes things come up. Sometimes things slip through. We'd rather be talking about prolapse.
prolapsed anuses you know and if you have a prolapsed anus it's not funny no fortune just doesn't want to see it hanging out i don't want to see it i think that probably is why i do enjoy you know the like watching These women's sports get or do because then you see more women commentators. You know, it does speak to you and your experiences more. Sports is obviously so male dominated.
that I feel like women's sports is the only place that was really giving women an opportunity to be like commentators or I'm happy to see. How far it's come, I mean, to have grown up where I couldn't even play on the team because girls weren't allowed to play with boys and then there was not even a women's team.
It's like. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, it's because they care about women and girls. That's why they kept you separate. They're protecting you. You might fall and hurt your knees. They care about women. That's right. And this is where it's coming out. I mean, our amazing question askers, Tobin and Kristen, I would also say... Do you know any single soccer players that you can introduce me to? I bet they do. There's some cute soccer players. Oh, my God. Yeah.
I hope you're not into Abby Wambach because Abby is taken. Oh, of course. No, I would never. I don't want to break anybody up. Yeah. that's right i just had an image of me sitting in like my backyard and i'm drinking like a tea or something then my wife is just like what do you call it Dribbling? Wait, no, okay. Yeah, come may up with a soccer player. Listen to them. What do you call it when you're not kicking?
dribbling's a basketball but when you're just running circles around people with kicking the ball little small kicks around yeah it's called kicking kicking yeah sure so my wife is so sporty Kicking the ball around me. What is it called when you're kicking the ball around? No, you know what I mean, right? No, but your feet are like, you know. Do you know any attractive women... That's also dribbling a soccer ball. ...make this... But mainly we just want to make sure that...
the men that are out there fighting for women right now. Just, you know, also don't forget to be as outraged by the other horrendous things going on. Yeah. Against women. If you're going to get outraged and really protect women. Yeah. Do we hear Kristen's answer? Oh yeah. Let's hear it. Tobin and Kristen's answer. I mean, I feel like they like sports. I think they do like sports. But maybe we'll be surprised. So my answer is that I love sports. Oh.
And I love playing sports. I love watching sports. You know, even what people would consider the boring ones like golf. And I think some of my favorite sports were the ones we kind of got to make up in our backyard or in our minds and go play. One that I remember was my family, they weren't, I didn't come from a soccer family, but my dad could punt the ball really, really high. And I remember I had three other siblings and he would just literally punt the ball as high up into theirs.
possible and we would all kind of like fight each other to the death to try to catch it um that was one of my favorite sports um and i i would say that I don't think sports media made the door wide enough for us, which is part of. our passion now and the type of media we're creating because I just try to create content that little sports Tobin would want to watch and would be proud of. Yeah, I love that.
um i think this might be reading a touch obvious because if i had the same answers or that would be boring i play sports i don't consider myself a sports fan which is a touch taboo in uh professional sports because i don't even like watching my own sport um i think that at some point in my life i just fell behind in the knowledge category and then i really don't like when i'm not knowledgeable about something so then i was just like no
this is not for me. The caveat here is that I love live sports. And I love live entertainment because I don't think you have to really know what's going on to be able to see greatness unfold in front of you. So we do go to an EPL game, generally her favorite team, Arsenal. every year. And what matters to me is really just being in the stadium with all the people with so much passion and just having a comfortable seat, maybe a blanket.
Maybe a nice warm beverage and a chic outfit. And I'm good to go. Thank you for having us on. Handsome. Thank you. I love it. That's interesting. But the live sport, I agree. Jax is not into sports, but she'll have a good time if we go somewhere. Yeah. Going to the Dodgers games, they got vegan dogs. I'm there for the peanuts, and sometimes I'll have a beer with the peanuts.
Dodger dog. It's you. I know. Sporty spice over there. Stephanie and I have that moment where she's like, are you going to get a beer? And I'm like. I don't know. I might. Terry, I don't know. I might do it, Terry. And sure enough, I eat a bag of peanuts, have a beer and a... a vegan Dodger dog. And I'm like, this was a blast. That is living. Well, maybe, maybe the handsoms can go see a game sometime. So I'd love that. Yeah.
I love that I'm the go-to ticket. I was thinking more fortune. I feel like. Oh, fortune. Let's go on fortune. Probably get some tickets. We should go to an angel city game. That's what I'd like. Put it on the list. Oh my God. we all have a beer and some peanuts bring Mr. Thomas let's do it
Great. I mean, I kind of want to say this, but I kind of don't, but that one time sports ruined an orgy for me. How? I was wondering what your hang-up was. They were like... four of us and it was sort of the plan and and then we went to watch the finals of the european cup and we were in greece at the time were you in pubs great place for orgies were you in pubs uh we were in pubs and we went and it was like the streets were packed of
you know, with British tourists and Italian tourists. And it was England versus Italy. And it was just so exciting. And England, like, and then England lost in the penalty shootout at the end. It ruined the mood. We were so devastated. And especially my one friend was like almost in tears and we just couldn't.
It was just so bleak. I can't explain like the energy and the. No one wanted a sad orgy. Oh, I would have still, but everybody else. You're like bullet together. Does everyone hold each other at the end of an orgy? Yeah, kind of. Yeah. Really? Fortune's like, okay, I'll do it. Can I get a hug? Just looking for a hug.
Anyway, that was a great episode, guys. Yeah, wow. And somehow ended with an orgy. Of course. How else will we get out of this conversation? I don't want to add any fuel to the... fire that you know the theory that my whole personality and his orgies i've only had a handful that's a lot you know what that's one more than me that's many more that's a handful more
I'm going to share some things I have coming up if that's all right with everyone. Please do. The wonderful film, Come See Me in the Good Light. which is the documentary about Andrea Gibson and their partner Meg Fowley. Well, first of all, it won Sundance this year. Oh my God. Not just in the documentary category, but out of even scripted films, won the festival. And it's going to be at the Boulder Film Festival.
The weekend of March 15th. I also wanted to mention that we, of course, will be with Handsome in Nashville on April 6th. Yeah, we will. handsome in Austin on April 12th is sold out, but we are going to live stream that. So get your tickets now and let's have a big party. I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th with some of my new material. And then I'm also going to be... In P-Town, August 23rd. And West Hampton Beach, New York, August 17th. And then working on new material.
at Largo Dynasty Typewriter. When I'm back in Toronto, I'll be at Comedy Bar. So that's what I'm up to. What about you two? Not much. I'm at Largo end of March doing new material in LA. And also my friend Carolyn Taylor has a documentary series called I Have Nothing. Speaking of sports, it's about her quest to...
choreograph an Olympic-level Paris figure skating routine, even though she's never skated or choreographed. And it's on Peacock now, and I'm in it. I'm kind of... like the devil on her shoulder saying she's going to fail but it was truly an insane experience and it the resolution like this is a real documentary series and it is the funniest weirdest show you got to watch it on peacock i'm in
The next few weeks, Irvine, California, and Huntsville, Alabama, the clubs out there, Ontario, California. Then my theater tour starts April 4th in Savannah. Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, tons of places. Nice. And if you like this podcast, make sure you subscribe to it and like us and comment.
review also subscribe to our youtube channel so you can see how handsome we are so you can see the black widow spiders crawling through my window yeah and you can get catch little uh glimpses of biggie and you know Other important people and animals. Oh. Oh, my God. Biggie? I woke him up. Oh. His eyes don't seem to care. Well, stop that. I guess all that remains now. Yeah, another wonderful podcast. And until next time, keep it handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.
Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check that you have plenty of napkins in your glove compartment before heading out on that epic road trip. You never know when you'll need a napkin.
Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.