Sarah Sherman asks about last meals and gross stuff

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Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. All state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now, get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Cheers. Cheers.

Welcome to the handsome pod. I'm Mae Martin sitting here, sitting here watching the day go by with my pals. Fortune Feimster. And Tig Notaro. Woo! What's up, you guys? What's up with you? What's your background? Where are you? What is going on, girl? I'm on the road, so I'm in a lovely hotel room that flooded this morning. What? I woke up and...

It was, I went to grab a water and it was too much of it. I was dark and I felt like a little bit of water on my foot. And I was like, did I wake up in the middle of the night? And like. get water and spill it. And I didn't even, it didn't occur to me to like double check. I just kept milling about my business and then got ready and walked into the other room and it was just like the floor was covered in water.

What? We need information. The room upstairs flooded. From their toilet? I don't know. I think so. Maybe, but I called and said, you guys might need to come in here. This seems like a bad... leak and they waited like two hours no and then the guy finally came and he was like oh it's actually upstairs and i was like okay so fortune you stepped in

Dirty toilet water. Maybe it was a bath. Maybe somebody's... Maybe there was a bath bomb in there somewhere. You know it wasn't a bathtub. It was either poo water or it could be... ghost ghosts make things wet ghost water yeah so you got up in the night you stepped in water you thought i'm just gonna keep milling about my business well it was this morning

And then there's a big water stain on this ceiling. And then there's a big giant water bubble in the bathroom that's going to pop at any minute. So it's a fun time. And do you want to release the name of the hotel and what room you're in so people maybe want to stay in your toilet water room in the future? All I'll say is that I'm in Salt Lake City. I don't need to bash the hotel.

I'm not saying bash. They're just not in a hurry. I'm not saying to bash them. I'm saying give out the room and numbers so people are like, oh my God, this is the toilet water room. the bath bomb water fortune walked in we're gonna say it was a bath bomb okay we can say that but we can but did it smell bad it did not Did it smell good? I smelled like lavender. No. So that's been my day. It's cold here. I have on one of those thick.

Yeah, those shirt jacket things. This is very nice. I can confirm fortune is in one of those snuggly. My mommy bought it for Christmas. Oh my gosh, how old are you, Fortune? How old are you, little baby? My tiny baby, Fortune? My mommy wanted for me for Christmas. What if the podcast was me and Tig and a five-year-old? Or what if we all talked like babies every episode? We were like, what have you been doing, Fortune? I had a big sandwich, and tomorrow I might have a candy. A candy?

Well, my mom bought me ladies pajamas for Christmas. Pretty little ladies? Yeah, pretty little lady pajamas. And I was like, Mom, I love you. But there's no planet on which I will wear these pretty little lady pajamas. And she's like... They're soft. I was like, look at the picture of the lady on the front. Does that look like, do we look similar in what we wear to bed? I'm glad to know that that never stops.

Yeah. That happens to you still, May? Oh, yeah. People buy me clothes as a gift and they go, this is very gender neutral. This is just a... you know, a good old sweater. And I'm like, it's just a ball gown. It's a scoop neck ball gown. It's just a ball gown. Anyone could wear this. Yeah. Yeah. So I.

I said to my mom, my mom and I have become very honest about presents where I say, can I just, I don't want to waste your money. Can you just, can I give this back to you so that you can return it and get your money back? and she's like yeah that's fine and then we went to a another store she's like i really want you to i really want to get you something will you

pick out something in the store. And I was like, I doubt I'll find anything. And we walked in, found this right away. I was like, amazing. Yeah. It's like sort of forest lumberman. Yeah. Perfect for my winter. I'm doing a bunch of winter cities in a row, three in a row. So this is perfect. Anyway, enough about me. Never enough about you. No, never. And what did you get, Ginger?

Oh, money, honey. Money, honey. I gave her a big fat check. Oh, I like that. All right. And no present to go along with it. None whatsoever. Let's see. I took her to a nice steakhouse for Christmas Day. Yeah, that's all I ever want. So that's an experience. I filled up her car with gas. I took her to several lunches while I was home. Do these count?

Yeah. Of course. Of course. Everything counts. I took her trash out. Yeah. Merry Christmas. And I made a whole list of everything I did and said Merry Christmas. did you really no oh i was like oh no then you took it all away here's a list of everything i've done for you this counts as a present yeah and not just this year, a list of everything you've done since you were born for gender. You're welcome. That's always a good feeling when somebody, um,

Let you know what they did for you. Throw those things in your face. They've been keeping track. I did this. Can I ask, Salt Lake City, is there... A salty lake there? Is there an actual lake? And a city. Do you know, Tig, is there a salty lake here? There is. And it's disappearing. Oh, man. And how come it's salty, just natural? reasons i don't know i think i've made up in my head or heard somewhere that like through the shifting of the planet somehow that's like

It's probably wrong, but it's still like from the ocean somehow. Thomas, what is the real answer? The lake has no outlet. And so all of the minerals in the lake have nowhere to go. And so because water evaporates, it just gets more and more salty. So don't listen to me. TIG fact.

And Fortune, have you tasted the water in your hotel room that's leaking through the ceiling? Is it salty? Did you lick it off the floor? No, y'all. I did do bottled water just because, you know, to be safe. Sure, sure. Yeah.

Tig, how are you doing? Yeah, Tig. I'm doing well. I'm home alone. It's a little scary. Oh my God, you guys, what a funny bit you just did. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube if you want to see two of the most talented, hilarious. Successful comedians working today, doing some of their best stuff. Let's see it again. I only did it when I saw Fortune did it. I just copied you. That's right.

Because that was funny. I'm home alone. And they did it again. They did it again. I have my magical headset on, so it's hard to do it. Your old Navy headset. That's right. We need some more khakis up front. So are you going to like run around the house and eat your favorite snacks? Yeah, be in your Ponties. Just go crazy. I do that anyway. You jump on the bed in your Ponty's. You just grab an apple and run around in your Ponty's. And just go nuts. How dare you. I'm picturing you in your...

sort of granny ponties and you're like this around the house and you got an apple. Sashing around with an apple and just living my best TIG life. I love that. So why are you home alone? Well, Stephanie took Max and Finn to Palm Springs to see her family. I was going to go. We were all going to go as a gaggle, but there was massive rain. And flash flooding. And so we just stayed put. And then when the weather cleared and she rescheduled it.

I was busy. I have doctor appointments and I'm recording with you guys. And, and I was just like, well, I'm probably going to skip this trip. So I'm going up to the desert today. Yeah, I'm going up to the desert and I'm driving up in my car because you got my license. Yay! oh my gosh do you drive around listening to olivia olivia rodrigo okay because she has a song driving less driver's license driver's license so good yes so

I'm trying to write a song about her song, a song that's like, if I write a song that's like, I wanted to write a song about getting my driver's license, but someone already did like that. It's a meta song within a song, but. I'm having a lot of firsts, guys. I went to my first valet parking.

I went to my first drive through all by myself. And did you drive through? I drove right through it. I sat in the fucking line for 35 minutes. Sorry for swearing. That's a long drive through. Yeah. Was it in and out? People are obsessed. You were at In-N-Out?

yes for hours you're sitting in the drive-thru for 35 minutes sitting in the line like people love i could have just got out and walked in but i thought when were you in this line was it last night by chance it was the night before last okay because we We exited the freeway last night. We went bowling with my ex and her family. Oh, nice. And so we're exiting the freeway. And we're sitting in this long line of traffic. And then Stephanie goes, oh my God, this isn't traffic. This is...

In and out. Yeah. And we were sitting, we got, we exit the freeway and four vegans are sitting in line to go to in and out. That's funny. yeah people people will just sit for for an hour just to go through it they love it i can't do that line i felt like i drove on the highway to get to the arcade where i went with our friend Sabrina and her kids. And I was great by myself on the highway. I was feeling great. And then did my first valet parking for the arcade, which was funny. Fancy.

then went to the drive-thru, but then driving back. Were you valeted at the arcade? Yeah. Yeah, you know those Dave and Busters, they're like. Did you pay with tokens when you got your car tickets? Raffle tickets. I think the valet was for Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, it was. But I snuck in there. But I did get really scared driving back on the highway in the dark. I just got in my head and I...

I wanted to go so slow and you can't. No. No. Unless you're Stephanie. Does she go slow? Not only does she go slow, she is like a magnet. to a Sanford and Son pickup truck that looks like it's headed to the dump. And there's like 10 million things piled on the truck with rakes and shovels. I get too nervous behind those. She doesn't even realize she's doing it. And she'll just like find that truck every time. And we'll be driving behind it going. What song is that?

That's the theme song to Sanford and Son. Oh, nice. And I'm like, Stephanie, we're headed to the dump again. And she's like, oh, my God, I didn't even realize I was behind this.

When y'all are all together as a family, does she drive for the most part? Yeah, that's her preference. Really? Yeah. Who do you think is a safer driver? Well, I don't want to get into this. I think we have a difference in opinions. Yeah, I think I might be. I think I. That's funny. Well, you know, it's fun to be driven sometimes. I'm done with being driven. I never want to be driven again. I'm going to be driven. I love to drive. Yeah. I feel like it's changed my...

I know it's only been like a week, but I do feel like it's changed my whole personality. You are more confident today. I feel, do you think? Yeah. I feel it. I feel more confident. I can see it. You have a little pep in your step. I'm feeling pretty good. The other day I thought, you know what? No one's coming to save us.

we got it like no you know what i mean you know what let's hear me out die on this hill alone let's hear you out bud what what do you mean i kind of thought well someone said to me if how would you feel if the rulers of the world had your habits and your lifestyle? And I thought, not good. And then I thought, I better change that. That's interesting. Who asked you that? I actually saw it on Instagram.

Didn't you just say someone asked you? Okay, you've caught me in a little lie there. That's really embarrassing. I thought the person was talking to me.

To be fair, through the video. I guess it was probably an Instagram account called like interesting questions. To ask yourself and then tell people you had a friend ask you this. Yeah, a close friend asked me the other day. Wow, your friend is... very insightful well i was just like that's such an interesting question who is this person what what other what else have they asked you turns out it's ai

Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you packed a backup book to read if you're almost finished with your current one? Major crisis. I finished my book on the first day of my trip. Hope the hotel has a gift shop. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.

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I think I was kind of thinking too, like I have a lot of friends who are having a tough time. I've had a tough year and I was just like, do I? because I can see clearly what they should do to fix their lives you know what I mean because I care about them and I'm like oh my god I wish I could just get in your brain and fix everything and then I thought

do I like myself as much as I like my friends? And then I kind of, I was like, that is at the heart of why we don't thrive is we don't like ourselves. We don't think we... Or we're waiting. I'm done. I'm rambling, but I'm having a kind of come to Jesus week where I'm like, yeah, I got no one's going to do this for me. I got to like, yeah.

get up in the morning and not that I wasn't in a dark place or, and I haven't, like my habits are pretty healthy, but I'm just suddenly like, oh, life's so short. And what do you think triggered that? Well, this experience I had with a psychic probably. And then also. Just caring for my friends and not wanting to have another year where I'm like sad in any way. And I'm just like, my life is great. Yeah.

yeah anyways um man that instagram post inspired a lot in you i know i know but i think that's a really exciting place to be may i mean and especially that My brain just flashed it. Not that you're like, I mean, who knows? Maybe you are. But I don't think you're serving food to people in need every day. But like even making. you know, doing that coming out of your comfort zone and like doing things that are not in your regular day to day and, and learning how to drive and just, it's always so.

Going back to that question that your friend named Social Media asked you, but that idea of... How new questions that's kind of what the show does, too, is like just it triggers your brain in such a different way when you get asked.

a new kind of question like that or you step out of your comfort zone you walk into this place to help people in need and and uh those kind of moments that take you out of your yeah co like autopilot yeah and like being really mindful of your inner monologue and just being like i like friendship is so crucial for that because your friends reflect back to you like you know

nice things about yourself and and the way I feel about my friends I'm trying to like check my I heard another great quote from a close friend My old roommate, Facebook, reached out to me yesterday. It was like... both fear and faith require you to believe in something that hasn't happened yet and you're both of them are just you're making it up so if you're living in fear thinking about the worst things that could happen or how everything could go wrong it's like

Well, that's not happening now. And so you may as well just anticipate the best things happening and have faith everything's going to be good. So I'm glad I have all these smart friends. Yeah, you're very lucky. These really pithy quotes. Not just good friends, but friends that are so connected. to like millions of people yeah yeah you're really hooked up yeah that is not what's appearing on my instagram what are you what's on yours like

Pomeranians and people shoving food in their mouth, slurping it like... Is that a genre of video? Is people slurping? There is this thing where people are like eating on TikTok and... the messier the better and they like are slurping their food up it's disgusting and also like kind of like a train wreck you can't stop watching and they get like millions of views and they're like and you're part of it

Oh my God. It feeds it up. You watch one video and suddenly you got 30. Wow. Are you still on Instagram or are you just on TikTok? Both. Oh, okay. I like them both. But they both now have similar things where if you look at one video, suddenly you see a bunch of things in that vein. A bunch of slurping. Yeah. So. I need to get to smarter TikTok and Instagram so I can get maize kind of questions. But it's all like sort of pop psychology that I get. But some of it makes you think.

Yeah. Did you at least have a nice holiday? Was that more uplifting? Yeah, I hosted here for a bunch of friends and I cooked and yeah, it felt good. I feel like the master of my domain in a way. Bought a house, bought a car, got your license. We were driving to go meet my ex and her family for bowling and we heard the driver's license song and I was just like...

Picturing you driving around, listening to that song. The day I did my test, it was that pouring rainstorm. It was crazy, big puddles. And I think that helped me. I think the guy was just impressed I showed up. And it was a different guy. And the guy that failed me the first time, I'm in line at the DMV and he comes over and I roll down the window and he goes, oh.

No, I'm going to get someone else to do your test. Oh, really? Yeah, because I guess that's the rule. So he's not biased, but I took it so personally. I was like, I'm safe. You can get in the car with me. That's hilarious. Now, I have to ask you something. That sounds like a negative spin. The guy that failed me. Yeah. No, you're right. The guy who, so how would I frame it? The guy who didn't think you were ready?

Yes, the guy who gave me the opportunity to practice some more. Gave me the opportunity to get better. There we go. I was trying so hard to sort of warm him up. Like I said, you remember me? He was like, yes, I do. And I said, from Wayward? You seen Wayward? Number one, IMDB search. Where are you landing on IMDB these days, Mae? Not that I haven't been tracking you.

Thomas, can we, do you know how to check? While we're checking. You don't know how. While we're checking, should we ask May how this thing got in their window? Oh. It looks like a. Like a newspaper clipping has been put up as a blind? May, did you know we would...

Did you notice this? I forgot to take it down. Did you think you were going to squeak that by us? Oh, were you having naked time in your room and you didn't want people to see? Were you running around in your granny panties? Were you in my table? Grancy Ponsies. Imagine if it was...

I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling great these days. And then it's newspaper all over all my windows. And I'm just. It does kind of look like that. I had somebody staying in my guest room and I still haven't got around to putting the blinds in. And so I do have this like.

blackout fabric that you and I stuck it with tape yeah it looks sketchy that's the guest room where you're recording yeah I love that you make them look at your trophies listen i just want to remind them that you are number what on star meter oh 132 that's still big is it Yes. Yeah, because like most working actors are like 3,000 or 4,000. Okay, 132. What is fortune? I'm probably like 4,000. This feels...

I think it's like... We should compete every time we get on here. I think the number is based on articles about you and how many people are searching you. 256 286 really fortune is fortune that's pretty good that's pretty good for me that's really good for anyone and then we've got 1,912. That'll happen to my career. But I think it's just based on like people searching for you when a project comes out or something like that. No, it's solely based on talent.

And long-term success. And that's fine. I wish you both the best. I'll sit here at nearly 2,000. I mean, there's 2000 more people than me having way more success. I feel like normally I'm like 3000 or something. I mean, me too. I don't think I've ever even made it on. I think this is the highest number I've ever had.

Life is good, baby. Yes, it is. Oh, here, I have something. What is that? Just like a little, I've hurt my neck because I've started using a CPAP machine. oh it's uh for sleep apnea yeah like i have tubes coming out of my head and and also like a chin strap i have to show you this video stephanie took of me I put it on and I put my eye mask on and my ear.

um plugs and then she filmed me not i didn't know she was filming me and then she put it to go into the chapel and we're gonna get married oh my god on my face and then she pans over to my glasses that are next to my bed and then the cane that i used to use when i uh broke my um my femur and had to have surgery so Um, that's, uh, I can only assume she took the video because she finds me very appealing. That's love, baby. Here, I'll show it to you now. Well, why did it hurt your neck?

Uh, well, I'll show you. They rubbed against you. Like you're carrying a lot of weight on your head. It's listen, this is so. so mortifying are we going to be allowed to post oh my god are those tigs out do you have your tigs out Oh my god. Oh my god. Please let us keep this in. Please can we post this? Thank you. That is so funny.

I look like I'm about to go scuba diving. Yeah, like biggest eye mask I've ever seen. Hey, listen, when I say I have trouble sleeping, I mean it with every fiber of my being. what's so funny is like that you tell me what is so funny all these sleep aids for the person who is having difficulty sleeping and they don't take into account how hard it now is for the other person to sleep next to this haunting figure

With all these devices. I know. It's exhausting. I know. And ironically, you can't sleep. I cannot sleep. I have like a tube coming out of the top of my head. Why the top?

Because I think it's either the front or the top. It allows for me to move my head. And can I tell you when that went on me? What Kitty City did? They were all like... just stunned like truly terrified anyway that's what threw my neck out because i'm trying to adjust myself to sleep and if i move in the wrong direction then the the air tube comes off of my nose and then sounds like an air like a tire is gonna is like like just like i've run over something in the car and my tire is going flat

I love it. And then I'm like, I'm sorry, Stephanie. And then I say it really loud because my ears are plugged and I can't hear it loud. I'm sorry. Stephanie, I'm sorry. I love it. This is so sexy. It really is. If only we could have seen that. It's true love, though. When we first found one another and she was like, yeah, I'm going to date a woman for the first time. Well, guess what?

in this direction so do you have like a heating pad on your no it it's like um ben gay or whatever that medicine is it's like warm and tingly um you know it's a feeling of being gay Yeah. Icy hot. That's what it is. Ben Gay is probably the 70s. How come gay isn't our last name? All of us. That would be good. Why didn't we call this podcast gay? Our last name is handsome.

Oh, we have to mention really quick before we get into our question because we never talked about it at our live show. What? That we live streamed. How amazing was that moment where Tig made a joke about a red... And one of our amazing, handsome listeners in the audience apparently somehow magically took off their bra in the middle of the show without anyone noticing. And suddenly, out of the darkness of red sports bra... Yeah, that's... It was the specificity. ...gets thrown on stage.

And that's what I talked about. Not just a red bra. I said a cherry red sports bra. Cherry red sports bra. Can you tell me what was the joke? Well, it's one of the greatest jokes ever written. I tried it out on Stephanie. I was lying in bed waiting for her to finish brushing her tooth. And I said, oh. I've just thought of something funny, how when people are going through a midlife crisis, they buy a cherry red sports car. And I said,

I don't know, actually, what the joke was. Something about, like, I'm going to buy a cherry red sports bra. Sports bra. And that's, you'll know I'm having a midlife crisis. But you didn't set, at the show, you didn't set up the car part. And so, man, I was like, what does this mean? Oh, yeah, right.

My midlife crisis, someone bought a cherry red sports bra. And we were like, wait, what? It must have been 15 seconds max, 10 seconds maybe. Yeah. Cherry red sports bra flies on stage. Flies on stage. And we, Mae and I thought you.

planted it that like you somehow set this joke up with someone and you and then we turn the lights on and and the lovely girl in the audience is like no i took it off she has like maneuvered like done one of those like under the shirt which is hard with a regular bra if i if my if memory serves but really hard with a sports bra right yes oh my god it wasn't record scratch one of the greatest live show moments I've ever witnessed it was like chef's kiss comedic timing our listeners are amazing

In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little about travel. Tig. I want to go away. I want to take a little getaway somewhere in the next couple months. Where should I go? I want to maybe go somewhere warm with a pool. I want to be by myself like I was in Big Bear, but I also want to invite some friends. What do you think? Well, I love Palm Springs and we spend a lot of time there as a family. There's also Ojai if you're looking for somewhere a little different. The nice thing about Ojai...

is you're also only half an hour away from some really nice beaches. That's a good idea. I'm craving the kind of home where I don't even want to leave the house. Like maybe there's a garden or some nooks to read. do my paintings in. And I love Airbnb because it feels so much more special than a generic hotel. You get more space, a kitchen, maybe a patio, a nice balcony.

Airbnb also has a guest favorites feature, which is a badge on Airbnb that shows the most loved homes on Airbnb. I've had a lot of success with that feature. Well, May, good luck wherever you end up. Don't forget your synthesizer. Of course, I could never forget. Check out Airbnb and do some traveling yourself. A new year, colder days. This is the moment your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. If you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season.

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All three of us, like... got to our feet almost and we're we were all just standing there sort of stunned not almost didn't we all jump up we jumped up and we were like on the edge of the we were like who did this the stage like where did that what the hell It was incredible. I said, well, maybe we can try this with other things. Like I love gold. And then someone gave me a gold ring. But then I felt bad I gave it back. But then the red sports bra woman at the end of the show.

came up and asked me to sign the red sports bra right on her boob. That's right. And I threw her a Twix bar because that was pretty amazing. But anyway, I just had to mention that real quick. I was already in my Uber heading home. i just had to mention it real quick because that show was so fun it was so fun there's always something or several things that happen that are so unexpected and hilarious and nuts and crazy and that's why i love

When we can get together and do that. Our listeners are unbelievable. So fun. The live shows are just so, so fun. Should we get into our question? We should. Let's do it. Today's question asker is an actress, comedian, and writer who has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2021. She is known for her surreal comedy, which you can see in her new HBO comedy special. Sarah Squirm, live and in the flesh. Sarah Sherman, also known as Sarah Squirm, is asking today's question.

Hi, handsome podcast. I'm Sarah. I know we haven't all met officially, but I'm a big fan of all of you. And I have a favorite. You have to guess which one. Just kidding. I just wanted to sow dissent amongst the podcast and see if any drama unfolded. Um, my question is, okay, let's say you're on death row for a crime that you did commit, um, abolish the police, but you are getting strapped into an electric chair for a heinous crime you committed.

What's your last meal? What is your death row last meal? And it can be, you can say the meal, the accompanying drink and the dessert. And if somebody already asked this perfect question, my follow up question and sorry for the inconvenience. My follow-up question is, I know you three have very busy schedules. You don't have time for inconveniences like this. Seriously, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My follow-up question is, what's the grossest thing you've ever experienced? Bye.

Oh. Wow. We've talked about food stuff before, but I don't know if we've ever done last meals. Yeah, let's do both questions. Let's do them both, whatever comes to you. We haven't done last meal? Feels like something we would have done. If we were food, what food would we be? And stuff like that. But I don't know if we did our last meal. I can't remember. And then grossest thing you've ever experienced. That is really...

Oh, I touched a wiener once. I talked about that before, but that was pretty gross. Nothing against him and his particular wiener. Yeah. I just didn't know I wasn't into wieners yet. But I guess I had to touch a wiener to know. I wasn't. But were you dying to touch that one? No. And you're like, oops. He was just kind of like, you want to touch it? And I was like, I guess. And you're like, I got to check this off my list. Like, I got to just touch one. Well, it was just not.

I mean, I was like, this is what it's supposed to feel like. So this is the grossest thing you've ever done. So your may your fantasy is. The grossest thing that fortune has ever done. Wait, my fantasy is not just briefly touching a wiener. I've got bigger dreams. Admit it. You want to do things with that wiener? I don't. It just felt, you know.

I don't even know how to describe it. It was disappointing because you were like, I'm meant to feel something. I mean, I was proud of myself that it was erect. I felt like accomplished. Because had it been not, I would have felt bad about myself. Like, I couldn't even get it. But that's the grossest thing I've ever done. That's gross too. This is the grossest thing I've ever done is listen to Fortune talk about making a penis erect.

But you do want that result. So I was happy that that was in play. Were you actually grossed out? Because also imagine how like... I just was like... I was like this. Imagine like if a guy was... If a guy was saying, yeah, I did something. I did something gay to try it, but it was disgusting. You'd be like, oh, come on. It wasn't disgusting. But I was also young. I was in high school.

Maybe if I had touched one as an adult, maybe I could appreciate it more, but that opportunity never presented itself. I think I've talked about the grossest thing that I've done, but it was when I left my... on the table in a diner, left the diner. Have I talked about this? Uh-uh. My mom said, do not lose your retainer. It costs $400. I said, of course I would never lose it.

But I had the anxiety about it. And it was the first day I'd got it. I went to a diner with my friend. We're 13 and left it on the table. I get a block away, middle of winter in Toronto. And I'm like... Fuck. And so I run back and the waitress says, it's not here. We cleared the table. Sorry, it's not here. And she goes, you can look in the garbages if you want. And I went back. Garbages? Me and my kind friend, we go back into the kitchen.

And they have big garbages there. And they have bags of... Garbages. Wait, what's weird about garbages? Garbage is plural. Oh, I guess I'm thinking like garbage bags. Garbage cans. It's still just garbage. I'm sorry. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. Wait. No, you wait. I looked in multiple garbages. No, garbage. Just garbage. I think you just looked in the garbage. I looked through the garbage. Or I looked through the garbage cans.

I put on rubber gloves with my friend and we start sorting through just rancid food waste. And this guy, he was a dishwasher back there. He was in his 40s. dishwasher he didn't speak english and he felt bad for us and he goes i'll help he puts on his gloves and we start going through the garbage and he holds up garbages a lump of like true garbages just a lump of like

poo, basically. No. And I always remember he goes, hello, hello. And so he's so excited. And I go, no, that's. Hello, hello. Yeah. He's trying to get our attention. And I go, that's. a lump of garbage and he runs it under the tap and slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it. That is disgusting. That's worse than the wiener. That's worse than the wiener. I took it.

on the subway back home, gripped in my palm. And then I knew my mom was going to check on my retainer when I got in. So I put it back in my mouth. But I'd rinsed it a lot. oh man it was so gross but that's disgusting i will always remember like the smell of that kitchen and it was so hot and people were mad at us for they're like get out of my way and me and my friend were probably stoned and like

I was gagging. Oh, man. I didn't realize my co-hosts were so disgusting and gross. Whatever. But you must have changed a lot of diapers and stuff, Tag. Like you've had exposure. Yeah, you like poo. You like poo in the garbages. I have something so gross that I did that's gonna top touching a wiener. It's gonna top rinsing poop off a retainer and putting it in your mouth. Oh, I can't wait. Give it to me.

Well, you're going to have to. In fact, I'm going to take a moment of silence for you to have to wait. That's fair. All right, silence. Okay. So this is also... really crazy because I think I've mentioned I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Yeah. Okay. I've gotten better over the years.

But you know how germaphobes kind of have glitches where you're like, oh, sure, that's gross, but you'll do that, but you won't do this. And it's like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine with this, but I'm not with that. Okay. Prepare yourselves. This is disgusting. And I know it. I was out to eat. And I think this was before I was a germaphobe. Right. Okay.

And to me, this was just like, whatever, nature, practical thoughts here, whatevs. I don't even know if practical is the word. I'm out to eat with a group of friends. At this Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas, we're all enjoying ourselves having a grand old time. Guess who finds Ted Roach in... Their bowl of food. Oh, my God. It's me. It's me. I found it. Is it you? It's me, Fortune. I found that. And I told the waiter.

And the waiter went to take my bowl and I said, that's okay. No. I'll eat around it. No. Oh, yes, ma'am. I'll eat around it. I'll remove the roach and then I'll eat around it till my other bowl comes. oh my god it was so good But I was like, whatever, it's a roach. I'm sorry, is that grosser than rinsing poop off a retainer and shoving it in your mouth? Yeah, roaches are pretty nasty because they eat...

Guess who's alive to tell the story? Hey, get off of me. Oh my god, get off of me. That roach had just eaten the shit that was surrounding May's retainer. And then it went on a wiener. I feel like I've had health issues after that. None whatsoever. But I kind of get, I get the impulse of being like, I don't want to have time where I have no bull in front of me.

exactly yeah i was like if like there's no roach on the other half of this bowl i already took that dead roach out would you do that now no no i wouldn't no i wouldn't um but yeah i think i was probably like 22 or something like that yeah and did your friends all react like you were out of your mind absolutely yeah absolutely that is pretty gross thank you Lisa didn't touch a wiener and um may yeah

At least I didn't rinse poop off of my retainer and put it in my mouth. Which, by the way... To clarify, it wasn't poop. It just looks like poop. Okay, but do you know how many roaches crawled around on your retainer and pooped? A lot. Okay. I think the desperation speaks to the fear I had about getting in trouble that remains to this day. The grossest thing really that I've ever experienced, I'm not going to put her on blast too much, but my mom.

My mom used to have some hoarding issues and cleaning her out of the last hoarding issue. was probably the worst one of the worst experiences of my life right i've never heard that cleaning her out cleaning The hoarder situation. And you did it. You personally were like, I'm going to show up. I was still with Jax and we did it together. Did you put it on your list of what you've done for her?

is definitely on the list I've done it a couple I've done it a handful of times in my lifetime for her and it is a grand act of love because it was relentless and it took us like a week and a half and it felt like it was never gonna end oh wow and it was but it was bad sorry mom if you're listening and you're you're doing great now Yeah. And how does that mean you hadn't visited her in a while or she gets a pile up real fast? She gets a pile up pretty fast, but.

I had a place near her at the time. So when I visited, she would go there. And I knew something was up because she wouldn't let us go in her place for like three years. right and i would be like you have to let us and she'd be like nope nope you're not going in there so i knew something was happening and then i decided to sell my place and i was like you have no choice you have to let us see yeah and it was bad

I won't go into detail, but we can imagine so bad. But that's the thing. There must be so much shame around it and secrecy. There was a retainer in poop. Sometimes my algorithm feeds me videos of hoarding situations being cleaned and it's really satisfying the final product. Oh, yeah, finally. When we were done and it was all clean and it was like a miracle, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry every day we were there doing this because it felt like it would never end.

We finally did it, and it is a triumphant moment. And she's doing great. She's in her place now. We redid the bathroom. We got it fixed up. The wall's painted. It's a lovely, lovely place. That's awesome. Yeah. Victory. Anyway, last meals. Last meals. Oh, we're doing both. Yeah, well, because the last meal's pretty quick. I'm going shrimp dumpling wonton soup as a starter.

Oh, it's a multi-course last meal. Yeah, because she said add a drink and dessert as well. Oh, why was I not listening? I want like the Asian flavor. So I want like some bok choy in there, but just as the starter. And then the main, I think I'm doing like a chicken pot pie with like mashed potatoes and gravy and maybe some peas. Some peas. All right. This is hilarious. I love peas. And then dessert, I'm doing cheap birthday cake. Oh, really? Grocery store kind?

This sounds like someone's first meal. A pot pie. It's very childish. What is food? That is so funny. I think the... Dessert would be a Betty Crocker cake. One of those ones that you make. Oh, like a homemade one. I love those ones. Oh, yeah. Drink, I'm doing lime cordial with like fizzy water. What is that? What is that? You know.

I just asked. I pronounced it cordial, but I would say cordial. I self-corrected because I thought you guys would make fun of me if I said cordial. No, we never. Only if you said cordials. Only when you say garbages. Cordial. A lime cordial with fizz. It's just like ice cold fizzy water with just like. some lime concentrate in it oh okay you know like a lime and soda yeah and then um yeah you want to be refreshed right before you go out hell yeah yeah yeah yeah because you're sweating

I think that's it though. What about you guys? Tough meal to follow. I know. That is a tough meal to follow. Especially the peas. The peas? You're not getting peas everywhere. And the peas would be with... Some butter and salt and pepper and maybe some like mint in there. Oh, interesting. Mint. I've never heard of mint and peas. Yeah. I do like a pot pie though. What an odd moment for somebody to be like.

what they're on death row and they're giving their order to a chef and if the chef was responding the way fortune was like oh interesting mint okay yeah and um what's an alarm cordial all right we'll figure that out okay anything else anything to go The whole thing is so absurd. I know. And tragic and weird to be like, and what would you like to have your favorite things? Yes. I'd be like, fuck you. Would you like us to sing your favorite song also? Yes.

Yeah. What's your favorite color? We'll give you a little bib. All right, final answer. Okay. Okay, for apps. I would probably do Southwestern egg rolls from Chili's and avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory. Whoa. Just an egg roll sampler. Both veggie. I've never tried an avocado. Egg roll. What's that like? Wait till you die. Cheesecake Factory, they're so good. Yeah, I am coming to your final day. That's right. And maybe a chicken lettuce cup as well. I'm going big for my app. Clearly.

For my meal, I love a lemon chicken piccata. Like a nice juicy piece of the chicken with the pasta. Some piccata is mashed potatoes, but I would do pasta. What about a little bit of both since you're never going to have food again? Maybe. And I would have it really lemony and creamy with artichokes and capers. What kind of peas are you having? i don't want no peas in there get them out and then um but then you know i love pad thai too so maybe a side of pad thai and then for my drink i'm doing

Because, you know, I'm about to die, so we're going hard. We're going old-fashioned with a great bourbon in there and a red wine cab. And then for dessert, we're going... I'm getting two desserts. I'm just going to throw up on my way out. This is not allowed. Two desserts. I'm just going to vomit everywhere. I'm doing the Adam's Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

Oh, my God. What's that one like? That's the peanut butter one. Oh, yeah, nice. With the Reese's and Butterfingers. And then I'm doing, from wherever, a butterscotch budino. What's that? It's like a butterscotch pudding. Yeah, nice. And then, yeah, that's, and then I'm throwing up. And then that's you. And then you're out. I'm giving everyone the finger. Yeah. Then jump out of the plane. What would I do for my, or.

Ordure. Fancy. Oh, app. We had apps. Well, I think it's just fresh in my mind. Finn is very into. Is it called like popcorn cauliflower? Oh, yeah. Deep fried cauliflower. Buffalo cauliflower. Yeah. I'd maybe have that for an app. I also like. All right. Wasn't it you two that were both so confused and grossed out when I said you combined two soups? Oh, yeah. That was interesting.

I've not heard of it before. Not grossed out, but just... Maybe Stephanie got irate about that. This is like mixing tomato soup with carrot soup or something. Tomato soup, half... tomato soup half like lentil or something yeah no i'm on board and then i would go um i love those kind of like buddha bowls that have like sweet potatoes and like purple rice and

arugula so is any part of you mushroom it's your last meal like you want to have a cheese or a or a or a meat thing no you're done your body doesn't like it That is so revealing. I'm going out with meat, steak and cheese. The people think that I am withholding. that's like when you're gonna finally treat yourself yes that was like during the pandemic people would always ask they're like so during the pandemic did you start eating meat and cheese and i'm like no

why um no no it doesn't appeal to me what i love is like lion's mane steak oh like cauliflower steak yeah oh i see cauliflower steak lion's mane steak i would like that too i'm gonna throw up on my way out too i think we should do like a a mass like a like a group death okay we all go out we just gorge ourselves and then just shit ourselves this is so dystopian so the three of us are in one room in three electric chairs electric chairs and we're people are people are watching

have like the metal cup hat yes so we're like our brains are fine you've got your sleep apnea i have my sleep apnea machine yeah um so yeah i would eat all that and cheesecake all over my face And then I would have king cake for dessert. What's that? That's the Mardi Gras dessert celebratory cake. It's in a ring. And they put like little things in it.

Oh, like a baby, baby doll or something. My family sometimes would, this is pretty gross too, but cook a penny in there. So like if you cut the piece that has the penny or the baby. It's good luck. And then you also host the party next year. But anyway, so I'd have that. I hope to not swallow it. Yeah. How many king cake related deaths are there per year, do you think? I think 74. People dig through them.

Every year, 74 Cajuns die. You know, 24 people a year die from champagne corks. Wow. Dang. Don't know how. Rest in peace. Cuidado. Yeah, maybe it hits a chandelier. And are you doing a drink? The drink. And this is also vegan. I'd probably want like a milkshake that has like... espresso beans in there and chocolate oh yeah i'd do an affogato i want to add to mine on affogato

You're going to be like reaching over. We're in our adjacent chairs. Hey, I forgot an affogato. Can you go get me one of those? Yeah, well, there you go.

amazing yeah thank you thank you for the support there should we hear sarah's answer i think we should okay my answer for my death row meal would be um I'm lactose intolerant, so in death, I would take advantage of finally just getting to totally evacuate my bowels in the electric chair. I would have a bacon double cheeseburger. A giant Dr. Pepper not diet, because again, who cares? And a cannoli. And I just...

My ass would just let it rip one single time. And then the grossest thing I've ever experienced was for... a video that wasn't funny. I got a bunch of goat brains and raw and I cooked them up and ate them. Wasn't funny. But maybe it was interesting. So my excuse for that was that I was 23. Well, it sounds like her last meal is also the grossest thing.

Goat brains. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Any of it. Any of it. Sarah did indeed make us squirm. Yes. Yes, indeed. What a treat. That was fun. It's always a pledge. It is always a pleasure. Yeah, I can't wait to get back in the studio with you, both of you, all three of you, and another live show hopefully sooner than later. Yes, please. In the meantime, I'm on the road. If anybody wants to come see a show, I'll be in Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, January 18th, Des Moines, Philadelphia.

New York City at the Beacon on Valentine's Day. That would be a fun one for people to come. San Diego. I have a lot. It's on my website, fortunefamester.com. I'm about to go on tour. Please come and see me. Go to maymartin.net. I'm doing 47 shows all across North America. It's going to be so dumb and fun, and I really want to see people and meet people.

Bring me your weird facts. And then also tonight I'm at Largo with the Lisa Gilroy doing a surprise party where we are going to surprise each other. And I have some good stuff planned. Love it. Also love the thought of everyone coming out to see my tour. January 14th, Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Orlando, Florida. January 15th, Tampa, Florida. January 16th.

And what else? Oklahoma City, February 20th, Midland, Texas, February 21st. The list goes on and on and on. And there will be dates and cities added. Go to tignotaro.com for... all show information. And I will also be doing my shows with the incredible Speed Painter. amy berkman and we will be raising money for different charities at each show it's going to be a grand old time go to tignotara.com yes oh my gosh check out amy berkman man

Also, share your favorite episodes of Handsome with your friends and loved ones. And let's continue to build the community and subscribe to our podcast and our YouTube pages. And how about the merch? Oh, yeah, we've got some new merch that's really cool. Handsomepod.com. Represent it out in the world and see who you attract. Like you might bump into another handsome fan. We got some really good stuff that just came out. So check it out. And until next time, keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome. pod that was a hate gum podcast Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking if the water's heated up before getting in the shower. Oh boy, that icy water, that can be a bit of a shock. On the plus side, I'm now wide awake.

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Hi, I'm Drew Afualo. And I'm Dason Afualo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating.

horror stories maybe a really bad wedgie you had once or even a show you're loving and anything in between so you can listen to two idiot girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on youtube new episodes will be posted every tuesday