¶ Episode Kick-Off and Sponsors
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That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com and use promo code handsome. Again, that's promo code handsome for 60% off your first order plus free shipping at smalls.com. Cheers. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Fortune Feimster. And I'm Tig Notaro. And I also am Mae Martin. Woohoo! Also implies that we are Mae Martin. Yeah. Yeah. Or that I am also Tig Notaro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We are individuals. Yeah. We are, although increasingly connected. That's right. We're just one big, handsome.
boob. One big handsome blob. Wait, one big handsome boob. One sharp, handsome boob. I'm sticking with it. I'm going to commit to that. Okay. I recently heard a guy behind me goes, hey, handsome. And I just assumed it was a listener. So I go, hey. And he was talking to someone else, this friend. And he was like, what? Like, what? That's hilarious. I know. I get a lot of keep it handsome. So maybe we should encourage people to make sure.
to use keep it handsome so that may doesn't turn around to find out that they are talking to me the handsome one although you are you are the handsome one but this is true
¶ Haircuts, Home, and Host Updates
Well, you're both looking very handsome at the moment. Tig, you've had a haircut, I'd like to comment. I have had quite a haircut, and this has even grown out for a week and a half. Seriously? Yeah, yeah, this has grown out. It's good. It's sharp. It's clean. It's almost military a little bit. It's very, very short. I'll be going to boot camp. I am. Boob camp. Boob camp. Handsome boob camp. God, that sounds fun. A boob camp?
Yeah, when I was getting my hair cut, I turned to Stephanie. I was like, is this too short? And she was like, no. Like she loves it when my hair is so short. So I immediately am like. All right, I'm on board. Great. Yeah, great. I mean, you're only really trying to impress one person. That's right. How are you both? Where are you both? You're in a... closet. I am in a closet. I am back in the closet. Happy to be here. It feels comfortable.
Familiar, very familiar to be in the closet. Yeah, I'm just traveling around. It looks like Fortune's just home with her plastic plant. Yeah, I'm at home right now, which is surprising. I've been in and out. And the plant's thriving. The plant has to stay alive.
I didn't have to water it. Because it's plastic. Yeah. Just to be clear. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. Why would I want a real one right now when I could have this thrive? Yeah, you're right. So wait, have you been touring or?
¶ Community Support for Ginger
filming or yeah june was crazy i was i had shows every weekend out of town and then uh stopped in to see jinge Tig made a cute video on a bench for Ginger and she said to tell you thank you. She goes, I have no way to tell Tig thank you. I'm like... I have a way. I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger. I was truly just walking along and I saw a bench and I was like, oh, I'm going to go sit down. I was like, hold on a minute. This feels like a moment. And then I also thought.
I was going to post it on my page, but then I just thought there's probably a lot of people in my life that don't know what this means. So I was like, Thomas, can you just put this on the hands? I did it on my stories, but I was like, yeah. you say i didn't see this oh i just said that i was i was sitting on a bench and sending positive thoughts to ginger And I guess I could have given a description in my post. She loved it. I went home to visit.
her um it was really cool she came to my show in asheville north carolina and uh she was backstage with me up until the show started because she's got to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down And she walked into the theater like right before. And because she's a star. And that, you know. Yeah. She's like Justin Bieber. Yeah. So she comes out in the front from backstage to go to her seat.
the whole audience, like 2,400 people stood up and clapped. Oh my God, I'd be a gamer. This like amazing standing ovation. I was backstage and I heard this like roar. And I was like, what was that? And it kept going. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I kind of, I was like, I think maybe this is for my mom. she got they my brother told me she got really emotional and it just like she just couldn't believe it it was so sweet like just for wow all those people to do that for her and like
People were showing up to shows and giving me cards for her, and it's just really incredible the amount of love she's getting. Is she just feeling it big time? For sure. I think she sat down and just all the emotions came from... That just such a grand gesture. So to everyone in Nashville, that was really, really cool. And then I went home with her for a couple of days and I went with her to her chemo appointment.
Just wanted to kind of see what it was like. And she had a little stuffed unicorn a friend's kid made for her. It was really cute. um so yeah she's she's doing all right you know just uh still in the early stages of chemo but yeah i'll be popping in to belmont seeing her a bit more often that's right Oh man, that must have been emotional, the standing ovation. Well, she's very, she's got like a sort of every mom energy. Like I think people, people really.
feel connected to her because she's like and she's because she's so loving and yeah very open hugs everybody well she couldn't hug people that night but you know in normal times she's hugging everybody and loving talking to people and The one nice thing about visiting her is that all these people in our town drop off food for her, and I get to partake in that.
¶ Southern Delicacies and Nantucket
What have been some highlights? Yeah, what are we talking? I've had fresh bread. I've had pound cake, blueberry pie. Hello. I was about to miss out on the chicken and dumplings. I didn't get in on that. They were coming the next day. What do you mean by dumplings? Excellent question, Mae. That is nicely. I saw Mae's face go dumplings. Yeah. Is that like a Southern thing? Like it's like a biscuit or something? It's like a...
It's a doughy – it's kind of the same stuff that you make biscuits with. It's like doughy little, like, balls kind of. Like a matzo ball. Yeah, a little denser, and it's in like a – not great it's kind of gravy-esque um with chicken it's a old southern comfort food
give me a grave it's really it's really good i think you would i think you actually would really like it yeah i'm not going to abbreviate gravy to grave but yeah oh my god it's like a white it's like a white cream base Not quite gravy, but in that like savory. I'm wondering how long we can describe a dumpling. I can go all day too. What else you got? I just got back from...
Nantucket and I had lobster rolls and like it was a surreal trip. I went for two days to do like this comedy panel and I've never been to that part of the world. It was very, have you been to Nantucket? I've been with Mr. Thomas. Oh, you have? Yes, I have. It's very, I mean, beautiful. A little bit like the movie Get Out, like very.
white and everyone's wearing these like blue and white striped kind of cotton shirts and like very yeah but the beach is beautiful and then I went to I mean first of all On Nantucket, there's handsome listeners. This woman came up to me and just this beautiful woman hands me an envelope, walks away. And then I open it. It's...
It's interesting facts about Nantucket. It's like, hey, little cowboy, here's something. Oh, my God. Whatever we've done, we've done right. Like, I like my life now. Whatever we have done. Whatever we've done.
¶ A Harrowing Whale Tale
we've done right because i like having a life where beautiful women hand me lists of interesting facts may you are living your best life right now i am and i went to the whaling museum um It was fucking crazy. It's the, uh, the Essex is this ship that sunk like hundreds of years ago. And Moby Dick was based on it. And it's a harrowing tale. I won't get into it, but this whale. Some would say a whale of a tale. It's a whale of a tale. Wow.
Well, you know, you step away from the podcast for a couple of weeks. You forget. You forget how good and bad the comedy can be. Swish. Nothing but net, fortunately. My favorite kind of comedy. Yeah. Whale of a tail. Go on, May. I mean, they do love a whale pun in Nantucket, and whales, they're proud of their whale connection. What about whale, whale, whale? See? I feel like I got a little more silence than I deserve. Well, well, well. I don't want to be over here just blubbering about nothing.
And are you glad you went to this whale museum? Yeah, they had a skeleton of an 80-foot whale, and I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened. This whale took down a giant ship, and then the survivors got on these little... dinghies in the middle of the ocean, like 60 days from shore. And they're like little boats not meant for big waves. Wait, is that how time is measured? 60 days to shore?
Yeah. What do you mean? I don't know. I just never thought about like, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just taking that in. Well, we're 60 days to shore. They didn't even know where they were. They were like, their compasses were failing and they end up having to eat each other. Hold on a minute. I know. Who ate the last one? There had to be one last standing. And this is where I, and I don't.
want to piss off nantuckins but the captain was he survived and they they pulled they pulled sticks right and uh pulled what do you call it um stick pulling they did one of those yeah we're like the shortest stick yes and uh eaten okay i want to ask you guys this so you're so you're on the
you're on your little rescue boat you're starving you got no water and then they find this little island and it's just basically a sand bank in the middle of the ocean and but it has a bit of fresh water and it has some some birds and bird eggs and things. So they rest there for seven days. That seems legit. I think there's...
20 crew members at this point after seven days the captain says look we got to get back in our dinghies and we got to try to hit south america it might be 60 days like we might not all make it 60 days to shore 60 days to shore yeah I'm staying on the island. Well, yeah. So three of the guys go, we're good. We're going to stay here. And they are like, well, there's nowhere.
You're going to run out of food. And they're like, we're going to stay here on the off chance that you survive and you send help. And those three guys did survive. But then the other guys, they mainly died, except the captain did this pulling the sticks. The stick pulling. The stick pulling the poor little cabin boy, 16 years old, he pulled the short stick. You'd think the captain would step in there and say, you know what, I'll do it.
No, not in those days. The captains were usually drunk and like, yeah, get out of here. I'll be honest. Get out of here. I'll be honest. I don't remember what we're talking about.
¶ More Sponsors and Island Cannibalism
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I was going to ask, A, would you have stayed on the little island or risked the journey? And B, if we were on a lifeboat, like, and we were pulling, so would any of us volunteer to be eaten? So wait, and in this story, the people stayed on the island, the other people went away, they came back and got the people on the island? Eventually, after like 90 days, like a handful of these guys...
made it close enough that they, they found another ship and they ended up sending help and they rescued the guys from the island. So I guess knowing that is going to color your decision, but it sure will. I'm staying put. Yeah, I definitely would have stayed put. Six days out in the water seems terrible. I would be trying to catch fish with my hands. Just standing really still in the shallows? Yeah, instead of on a dinghy in the ocean.
I'm just going to hang out on the island and immediately start eating fortune. Oh, no. Yeah, I don't eat fish. Well, that's true. But I'm meat. Yeah, what do you mean? But I'm meat. And I'm full of hamburgers. I don't eat fish, but I will eat fortune. I'm full of hamburgers. I start eating fortune and then help comes the next day. That's the fear, right? Like you wait to the last possible minute and you're like, all right, we got to eat something. And then the next day.
I think I might volunteer to let you guys eat my ass. Eat your ass. Yeah, I guess I could just start eating Fortune's ass. I wouldn't have to eat. So wild. Well, actually, that's true. Couldn't you eat part of someone while they were still living and they wouldn't have to die? Yeah, just slice off a bun. Slice off a bun. yeah anyway i kind of i regret bringing up the whole story kind of but i guess i was really well it's like the movie alive did you see that
No airplane crash. Oh my God. I was obsessed with that for a long time. And you know, they would eat their friends, but it was all frozen meat. So they didn't have to like chew it or taste it and they just swallow it. Oh God. Oh my God. Yeah. Whereas fortune's ass would be heating in the, in the sun. The hot sun. Right. Yeah. Island ass. I was just very taken with like the.
I don't know, the idea of just being at sea in this 80 foot whale and what a grim time to be alive. But it was a fun trip. I went to the beach and that's my story. Wow. What a story. Yeah. Yeah. That had to do with Nantucket, huh? Yeah, yeah. Okay. And you like the lobster roll? Oh, man, I really loved the lobster roll, yeah. And who were you out there with? Were there other comedians? Yeah, I did a comedy panel with Ben Stiller, who I've never met.
amber ruffin and a bunch of people yeah it was wicked it was fun it was really fun and donald glover was there and he asked a question and man that's one of the coolest people alive yeah he's a real talent i mean it's like His music is ridiculous. Ridiculous. It's like, okay, you're a comedian, you're an actor, writer, and then boom. Yeah. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Yeah, we went there to Nantucket on a family vacation when Max and Finn were, I think they were two.
Oh my God, just paddling in the water? Just running around, yeah. Paddling in the water, running around. We went on bike rides, all sorts of Nantucket fun. We had rented a house on the water. And I have many pictures of Mr. Thomas sitting and reading to Max and Finn, his little tiny cubs. Reading the story of the cannibalistic sailors. Yes, that's right. Yeah, I would go. I would go back for sure. Or maybe when we finally do a handsome vacation, all four of us. Maybe it's Nantucket.
Oh, yeah. Put that on the list. Put that on the list. Nantucket vacation. I feel like Thomas isn't putting things on the list anymore. What do you guys think? It's been a while. Yeah, he kind of looks at us like, yeah, okay. We get to stuff once every like five months. What did we get? I don't remember ever getting. Okay, that's one thing. Is that the only Santa Claus? Oh, we sat on Santa's lap. And that might be it. That might be it. And there must be over 6,000 things on the list.
¶ P-Town and Gay Enclaves
My mom and I drove up to that. I think we went to Nantucket, a few places. We also went to P-Town together and she kept calling it a gay enclave.
okay this was back in i had just come out like maybe six months prior so i had not seen this sounds so naive in these you came out and then you were like six months later dragging your mom to a no i didn't drag her there i didn't even know about p-town she told me and we were my Fran got married in Boston from growing up and we rented a car and decided we would, this was like 2006 maybe, and that we would drive around all that area because it's so beautiful.
And she was like, we have to go to P-Town. It is a gay enclave. And I was like, what is a gay enclave? And she's like, there's just a lot of gays there. And so we pull up and we walk down the street and there's all these gays holding hands, which for both of us, we had not seen.
that much and so we both were like we just were like look at the gaze what's jesus gonna think and but we were just so like but we were like enamored with it we were like oh my god this is so cool And then my mom was like, I got to go get some fudge. I was like, okay. So I stood out. Fudge can't wait. It was a tiny candy shop. So I stood outside and my mom comes outside. She goes, there was a woman making eyes with me.
I said, I think she was checking out your fudge. Oh my God. That is hilarious. So that was my first trip to P-Town to the gay enclave. I have a couple of shows that are coming up. I've never been. And since the day I've been with Stephanie, that's been her dream vacation is to go to P-Town. So we're cramming it in to our summer travels.
I'm going to spend a few days there. That's how I felt when I first moved to Los Angeles and went to West Hollywood. Even though I had been out already for years, I had never been in a city. That had like West Hollywood Boys Town vibe everywhere. Yeah, I was I was truly like, what on earth is this?
gay circus yeah i know i feel like there's been moments in my life where i must seem homophobic or transphobic because i'm just gawking in support i'm gawking in support like when i was when you're young and you just come out and you you see a gay couple or something and you're just like oh wow and you're you're staring and then yeah yeah you're like yeah I remember going down to the Pride Parade when I first was thinking about coming out, and it was so intimidating.
yeah it's it's crazy now because i've been to a bazillion prides it's like you don't even think twice about it but like i i think of myself in that mindset then of like just seeing all these gay people hold hands and like i just couldn't believe it it was like oh i can't believe this exists in the world and and it's okay and it's celebrated and i mean thank god but you know when you hadn't
seen it your whole life it just like may said you kind of are gawking in this like what what is this kind of way can i tell you my first pride when i was like 16 and i was
¶ Pride Parades and Coffee Shop Tales
17 I was living with my girlfriend at the time briefly and and she was a teenager as well we were both like sketchy teens and she always went to pride and she was more like experienced in that world and so it was so hot in toronto and she was like you got to get painted like colorful colors but we only had acrylic paint and so she covered her entire naked body in like
rainbow but it was acrylic paint so it was like like flaking and burning like it was it was like cracking anyway we're so excited she wears this like tiny like bikini and i'm probably wearing some denim boobie shorts or something and then we go to the big main intersection and within five minutes she breaks her ankle no she goes we'll just climb this fence so we can get a good view and then
turns her ankle and then we had to go to hospital. Actual break in the bone? I think it was a fracture in the end, but it was like, yeah, yeah. She probably couldn't move with all that. Pain. Yeah. I just remember like the sweat and the, all the, and her sitting in emergency. basically naked covered in paint oh my god they probably get some wild things happen that weekend at the emergency room i actually just remembered i used to work at um the lesbian coffee shop in los angeles when i
first moved to town. It was called Little Frida's. And we were right there on, what is it? Santa Monica Boulevard in WeHo. That was another thing. I had never been to gay pride before. And I was like, you know, in my late 20s. mind blown just standing there the doors of the coffee shop open and the different people and outfits and what they're where just every I was like Whoa! Whoa! I mean, it was already crazy to me that there was a lesbian coffee shop. Yeah. I mean, that...
I mean, even though the owner claimed like, well, it's for everyone. It's like, sure, but look around. Yeah. There's a main vibe here. Was the owner called Frida? It was for Frida Kahlo. Oh, okay, yeah. No, this is a lesbian coffee shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even know about this coffee shop. I was late to the lesbian game.
You're just hearing about Little Frida's? Yeah, I never, I mean, I knew you had, you'd mentioned working there before, but I had never heard of it. Just outside of you. It still, like, blows my mind just imagining Tig working in a coffee shop. Like, just... It's so out of context for me. The idea of going in to buy coffee. I'm picturing you now just being like, hello. Were you good at it? I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't good at it. What did you do when people complained about their coffee?
I mean, basically what I was bad at was, and maybe I shared this on the show, was math and money and counting back money. Did I share that story about when? I don't think so. I was fumbling with the cash register and this woman in line said, while there was a whole line of people waiting for me, she said, you know, it's not too late to go to college. Oh my God. But I have to say it was a massive shift in my life in that moment. Cause I, once she walked away, I turned to my boss who.
was also a good friend. And I was like, oh my gosh, I just want to go out to her table and just be like, hey, thanks to you. I just quit my job and I applied to college and I'm leaving right now for, you know, whatever. And my boss said, you know what? I'm on your side.
She should never have said what she said to you. If you want to walk out to her table and say directly, not sarcastically, but directly say, what you said to me was so... unacceptable and I really didn't appreciate it my boss said I can get behind that but if you go out there and fight fire with fire I can't get behind that And I was like, whoa, okay. And it changed my life. And obviously we know I am a sarcastic person, but it shifted me where in real moments to actually.
speak directly like hey this needs to happen or i feel this way yeah this hurt me yeah yeah and to like really just directly deal with something and then save the sarcasm you know, for another time. But it was amazing to have my boss say, I don't want that kind of person in my establishment. And she should never have spoken to you like that. So.
I didn't go out and talk to the woman, but it did make me realize that there's a time and place for talking a certain way and acting a certain way. And then when you want to be direct and handle something. serious or important then step up to that moment yeah i thought you were going to say it made you realize like that then you quit your job and went to college we're like you know a good point yeah no
¶ Stand-Up and Morning Routine Question
I quit my job and became a stand-up so I'd never have to do math again. Well, the reason I had that job was because there was an all-female lineup of stand-up. Oh, yeah. Little Fridas. And that's the first place I ever got on stage. And so I took a job there so that I could ensure that I could get on stage to do stand up because when people.
would drop out of the show or they were running late or the host canceled. I could just hop out from behind the coffee bar and do comedy. And so that's why I took that job. I love that. Yeah. You're like, I don't want to make your coffee. I just want to tell some funny jokes. I just want to tell jokes. Yeah. Nope. Didn't go to college. Still running around with a seventh grade education.
Yes. And killing it. Did you get your GED? I can't remember. I know. I did. And my cat ate it. Me too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wake up, all you handsomes, because we need to talk about something very important to me, getting a good night's sleep. Helix Sleep is supporting Handsome in more ways than one because we're all getting our beauty rest every night atop a Helix mattress that's been custom selected to suit our sleep habits.
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If you love comedy, conversation, and hearing famous people get a little too honest, you'll want to check out Armchair Expert. Every Monday and Wednesday, hosts Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with actors, comedians, scientists, really anyone interesting for honest, curious, and hilarious conversations about life.
but some of the funniest moments they come from listeners every friday dax and monica listen to outrageous awkward and deeply human stories from fans on the phone in real time on their armchair anonymous series From disastrous dates to family secrets, accidentally joining a cult, and a poop disaster you won't believe. They've heard it all.
It's relatable, chaotic, and laugh-out-loud funny. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts, and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube. Lately, I've been trying to clean up the way I shop for myself. I've been finding healthy options that fit my budget and actually work for me. I was tired of overpaying for so-called better for you groceries and still having to scan every label. That's when I gave. Thrive Market a try. And honestly,
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which I've been on super fun show. Uh, they've hosted it since 2012. They have over 32 million subscribers. Uh, and now they host a podcast called ear biscuits, uh, their fellow North Carolina. So you know I like that. Rhett and Link are asking today's question. Nice. Hello, handsome pod. It's Rhett and Link from Good Mythical Morning. We got a question for you.
If you could have a morning routine machine, like a Rube Goldberg machine that gets you through your morning routine. Like the guy in the Casper movie. Or the Grinch in the Grinch movie. You haven't seen the Casper movie. Why are you bringing that up? I'm told that that's a good example. It's a great example. What would yours do? What would your machine do step by step? We miss you, Fortune. Aw, I miss you guys. They're so great.
Oh, that's a great question. I got to go on their show and eat really good food where you tell them your favorite food and they... They have three different versions of it, like the high-end version, the mid-level version, and the low-level version, the cheap version, and you have to... try to pick what is the high like the fancy version it was just really fun did you get it right um i think i got two out of three right i can't remember
and were you blindfolded too um no it's it's all in front of you like you'd be surprised some of the stuff that you you're like it's got this has got to be the high-end one and it's like no that's the grocery store version yeah They're really funny and have like it's crazy. Those the YouTube folks that have just killed it. They have this whole office and production and it's like a machine over there.
So do we. Yeah, look at us. Look how professional this is. This and this fake plant over here. Yeah, you're in a closet. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. They're talking like, is it kind of like the Jetsons? Is that another? Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Pee-wee's Big Adventure. Like, you know, yeah, a machine that wakes you up and moves you through a routine.
¶ Dream Morning Routine Machines
makes it all easy so they're asking like what would that entail if we have that ability yeah i guess so i'm not good in mornings i don't like mornings and the The time that's really touch and go that's really dark for me is the time between getting up and having a first sip of coffee. It's like making it to the coffee machine. That was where my head went first. It was like maybe some kind of intravenous coffee. Oh, it's laying there and it goes into your system. Or like a straw that comes.
comes to the bed. Because you're, you're just so out of it during wake up and caught like, what is it that's happening with you? I know. I'm trying to picture you getting to the coffee machine. Like, are you stumbling? Yeah. Yeah. I'm like. Are your pants to your ankles? Your boxers to your ankles? Your ponties. Why would my boxers be to my ankles? I don't know. You just sound like you're really struggling to get from your bed. Like you can't function. Yeah.
until you get to this coffee. That's why I can't figure it out. I can't picture what the hell's going on. Yeah, probably some doctor would... It's just probably I'm not sleeping enough, but I wake up and I'm like, ugh, and I'm like exhausted. And I just, oh man, like. Yeah, just, I mean, it's not that, it's just that I shuffle over and, but it's like- Your ponties around your ankles. So you're one of those people that's like, do not even talk to me until I've had my IV coffee.
That's what Mae has on a mug. Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee. I kind of am. And I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto. They've already been up for two hours. They are wide awake. They're ready to chat. They want to know how I'm feeling about politics. What time do they wake up? Maybe seven. And then when do you roll out with your pontes to your ankles? I am not laying out shuffling to the kitchen. I picture you with big, thick glasses on.
Like you can't, you can't, your hair is every which way. You're scratching your chest. Yeah. You know, it depends. what's going on like if i have something to get up like today i woke up at nine because i traveled last night i got in late and um so yeah i have but i have to but it's nine early or late for you you usually i'm up at eight or nine that's like normal for me But it feels like I could happily sleep till one because I don't go to sleep early enough. What time are you going to bed?
I mean, as I'm saying it, I'm like, it's not that because I'm just doing the math because usually it's around one or two. We're not good at math around here. You know, I can't do math. Yeah, sure. It's not too late for us to go to college. So, yeah, one or two. So I guess I'm sleeping like six. One or two is late. Yeah, like my circadian rhythm is probably all up. I don't know. So, yeah, coffee and maybe it. a fact of the day would be nice every morning but what about you guys what's
That's it for your machine? Yeah, your machine can do anything. Here's your coffee. Also, dolphins were known to swim in the blah, blah, blah. Good morning, May. Pretty much that's it because I've been reading about how the more we use chat GPT, our cognitive functioning is going to decline. We're going to get our...
So I want to have to do things. That's already happened. Totally. I mean, humans are. We're dumb dumbs. Yeah, we are useless. Yeah, that's why I'm trying to memorize all the capital cities of the world, just to keep the old noggin. firing yeah but yeah so i don't want to like make it too easy for myself but if it could either roll me over to the coffee machine and make the coffee or intravenous okay here's what i think
I think you could get to a point eventually where you could do that on your own, Mae. If you really put your mind to it. You've got to figure out how to keep your poncies on, though. Yeah. Okay. I am not. Well, they're on Fortune. They're just at Mae's ankles. Like, how would that even happen? You stand up and they just fall. Oh, they fall off. Okay, so I'm picturing they're moth-eaten.
They're old. They're like my underwear. They're moth eaten. Yeah. Beige. Oh, the idea of, cause I have a roommate now in my back house. My friend Matt is living with his girlfriend. briefly while they get settled in LA and just the idea of me full vagina out walking in the morning. Some people would love to see that. Yeah. I mean, I feel uncomfortable even saying the word. I can't. Yeah. What word?
Vagina, it's not a great word. Yeah, coffee. And wait. We could have another word for it. Like what? Cooter. Cooter! Yeah, cooter is my favorite word for it. Okay, well, let's move on from... From May's cooter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, if we must. Or McCoochie. She's supposed to be sending in a question. Has she, Thomas? We got to get Makuchi's question. We haven't got one yet. Wow. She keeps teasing me with this.
So yeah, what about you? Well, I have been waking up really early lately. I don't know why. I'm like wide awake at like 6.30, which is not me. Give me a ring and ding. But today, guess what? I got up and went treading. That's why my hair... Hair's a little wet. Isn't that so fun in the very early morning? It's the best way to wake up. It's like the pool's like a little warm and the birds are chirping. I make coffee so that I could drink my coffee before I tread. In the pool.
Just, you know, I've turned on some music. It's nice. That's amazing. Yeah. Do you make coffee the night before or you make it? You've got a machine? No, because I don't like brewed coffee. I just like espresso. So I have a little espresso machine.
I do like a little I'm like a little barista like you do the full thing I do the get the beans they the grinder bean you know grinds them up a packet with the thing and yeah this is what I need to be doing I don't think this would appeal to you for your treading, but my friend Kit, this guy that lives near me, he...
has a pool that does not have a heater. And he invited me over to tread one morning at 7 a.m. without heat oh my god it's like a cold plunge it was like an hour-long cold plunge but i have to say Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Only once in my treading career have I gotten out at 30 minutes. And it was because we were at a public pool where they were like, everybody out. We got to switch to, you know, granny swim or whatever. But but yeah, it was so exhilarating to tread in cold water. And I.
I suggest doing it with somebody else in the pool so you can complain and laugh with each other. And shake together. Yeah, and be like, oh my God, this is so... But my whole day was so electrifying. I was in the best mood. And do you... I guess you... You're moving, so you kind of warm up a bit. Barely. But an hour, that's like the cold has deeply penetrated you by an hour. Oh, yes, indeed. Yes. Wow. I have been penetrated by the cold.
I don't think I could do an hour in the cold. I could maybe last 30, but I don't know if I could do an hour. You could do it. It's fun. It's not like it's 30. It's not like 40 degree water, you know. Right. It's like 70 or something.
But it's still, it's cold. 65, something like that. But that's cold. But so far, I'm not, like, what would... you don't want the machine to take oh i gotta figure out what i want the machine to do yeah push me in the pool that's great i was gonna say i want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses but that's weird it's a machine that's not weird It's the way of the future. You know, good morning kisses. Good morning. That's a nice way to wake up.
I always thought that a hotel should offer that service that you sign up for where they're like, do you want someone to come in and spoon you and be like, time to get up. You can't pay for that. You have a Zoom at 9 o'clock. Yeah. I think you can pay for that. I would like the sweet sounds of a voice. Fortune, it's time to wake up.
Why don't you call me and I'll do that for you. Please spoon me. That's a nice, that's a preferable way to wake up. And then I always wake up fairly happy anyway. I'm, I'm very glad for that. I don't have my poncies around my ankles shuffling to the espresso machine with your cooter out. My cooter's hidden, and I'm usually robustly walking to the espresso machine.
It would be nice if whatever this thing is makes my espresso for me. I don't want to make it. And then pushes me in the pool. Turns the music on, pushes me in the pool. And does it sort of pour the espresso into your mouth too? No, we can just put it in a cup and I'll do the rest. So it's exhausting to you to press that button, huh? I mean, just the grinding of the beans and the packing it. You know, if I don't have to, I mean, I'll do it.
it but if i don't if this machine's like i got you much of a star to have to be able to push a button to get that espresso out of there this machine will say i got you boo yeah yeah It's the I got you boo machine. Yeah. Yeah. I got you boo. And I'm like, oh. When it pushes you in the pool, do you want that to be at like a different moment each morning so you're not quite expecting it? Sure. Or do you want to go stand? Keep me on my toes. It can pick me up and throw me in too.
Pick you up like a baby and just toss you in. But also hold me for a minute and then toss me in. And whisper in your ear, I got you, boo. I got you, boo. I got you, little baby. And also the one in charge of heating the pool and stuff. I'm not having to worry about that. You can't worry yourself about that stuff, little tiny baby fortune. Thank you, Tig. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah, that's what my I got you boo machine would do. Okay. I like that a lot.
I got you, Boo Machine. That is a good name. All these things are going to exist. 100%. Tig, how about you? Is it going to have a Scottish accent like marn and fruit? Marn and fruit. Marn and fruit. Get your marn and fruit. You know, I struggle in the morning. with I try to meditate right when I wake up. And it's, and it's, well, it's just the idea with transcendental meditation is that you do it ideally twice a day.
Wow. And so, but, you know, 20 minutes each time. And so if you think about when you wake up first thing in the morning, a lot of people, you're not totally productive at that time. So why not just immediately when your eyes open, go into your meditation, you close them again and go into your meditation. I'd fall asleep. I'd fall right back to sleep. Well, here's the thing. This is where. Here's my true, honest to God struggle. Oftentimes, I will meditate in bed and lying down.
And I should be sitting up and I only do that sometimes. So, yeah, I would love for my I got you, boo. to sit me up for my meditation on the mornings that I've just had the roughest night because that's when it's the hardest for me when I wake up. You're in your nightgown. I'm in my nightgown. And so I got you, boo would sit me up. And then as soon as I'm seated in bed, meditating, then crossing your legs for you to like, it's sort of
I can do that. I can do that. And then I gotcha boo. That I can do. I gotcha boo is also going to stand there. Wait, is I gotcha boo a robot? I think so. It's whatever you want it to be. I gotcha boo is standing there. And then once I finish meditating, I gotcha boo is going to remind me to do. I do these like five minutes of stretching. Jiggles. You know me. How dare you, Fortune Marie?
How dare you? Look at how tickled Fortune is by that. The robot's keeping time for you. One, two, three, four. Take a break. Release. And release. Oh, my God. The thought of that. Yeah, that tickles me. Thank you. Meanwhile, May is just getting an IV in the arm full of coffee. Mine is feeling increasingly bleak. And you're getting cradled like a baby. Yeah. We all have different needs. I just have my robot making sure I stay on track because like with my sleeping issues, I have.
to immediately get sunshine when i wake up oh so after what does that do it regulates your circadian rhythm and so basically As soon as you open your eyes, you need to be in natural sunlight. And that's going to tell your brain, this is your wake up time for the day. And so that gets you on a more regulated schedule. So I would want, I got you boo robot to be like, after I meditate.
do your five minute stretches and then i do that and i do my kegels and whatever and then i and then i um and then the robot also will be like don't forget your sunshine And then I go out on the back patio. I thought you were going to say, don't forget your sons. Don't forget your sons. You have sons. And then the last thing I would want is I love making my smoothie. I love the process. However, I would like...
I got you boo to bring, cause there's a lot of ingredients of my, there's a lot. And so I would like for, I got you boo to get all of the canisters out of the pantry. And maybe even measure it for me and then put it back while I clean it up. Yeah. Yeah. So it's measuring it and then you just have to tip it in. Yeah. Yeah. I can do the tipping. You know how fortune can't push a button. I'm totally fine with doing that. Yeah. And then fortune, do you ever feel like if we.
Like if we went away with Tig for like a week to a cabin in the woods, like you would sort. us out like i just feel like come back so much healthier oh my god i'd be meditating i'd be we'd be sleeping you might not be but we'd be guys it's funny you should say this i am um planning a retreat, a retreat weekend for me and Stephanie for our anniversary, but at home.
¶ Unplugged Retreat Planning
It's just going to be me and Stephanie. Oh, we're not invited. No, you are not invited. But for like a totally unplugged meditative. Listen to vinyl, talk, journal, cook healthy food. That's going to be our fun retreat. I know some people are like, that sounds like hell. What is that?
Wait, so it's like a whole weekend of this? We're going to spend a whole weekend together just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do, but we're just going to do it privately. Will the boys be there? No. Okay. That's so nice. And what I was going to say is I would be more than happy to do it with my handsome co-host. Well, okay. I've booked an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August. Okay.
I'm going to mainly be up there by myself and I don't drive. So I'm really going to be stuck there. And that my goal is to come out of it completely mentally and emotionally and physically healthy. So, okay. I mean, fortune we're both.
I was going to say we're both single, but it sounds like that came out wrong. We're both single. Come on up here. I could be the third wheel. Come up for a couple of days and we'll put our... phones and i bought one of those boxes you lock your phone in and then you put a timer on it for like four hours or whatever like Look, whether whether it's at your place there or whether it's your house. Well, no, at my office in L.A. Yeah, I am so excited by this. I can't even tell you to do this with.
Stephanie. And then if that interested anybody on this zoom. Boy, would I love to do that. Well, you have like a schedule, like, or you're just going to, okay, so like at this time, we're doing this. It's going, it would sound like absolute hell to you. Yeah. But it is truly like, but. But it's fun. It's fun. Okay, imagine the three of us are together and we get up to watch the sunrise. How awesome would that be? Yeah, that would be nice. And then meditate.
Okay. And then have like a really healthy smoothie. Listen to records. You know, I have an awesome vinyl collection. Listen to some records, journal. talk, do a tarot reading. We could do all sorts of things. Yeah. But for you and Stephanie, are y'all both saying, I want to do this. I want to do this. I put together a schedule of what I think would be.
Great. And I'm going to run it by her. I just told her about this the other day. And then if she wants to make tweaks, of course we can make tweaks. But before we go there for the weekend, we're going to go grocery shopping and we're going to plan our menu and like. cook and prepare the food together. And it just, I don't know. I think it was really, and there's absolutely no.
no phone use. We have a landline where Max and Finn can get in touch with us. And anyway, that's the plan. And if you guys have any interest, I am so down. Will there be some sexy time in this? With the three of us? Well, obviously, that goes to that saying. May and I are single, so... May and I are single, so... Oh, what? May said we're single.
Put on your schedule with Stephanie, though, as part of the schedule, sexy time. Yeah, well, let's say insert sexy time. Intimacy. Intimacy. Oh, intimacy is the appropriate word. Intimacy from 8 to 9 p.m. That's the biggest boner killer ever. We will spoon. Also, guys, time to read as well. And then what? Here's the only screen. This is what I also added into the schedule is a movie at night.
Because there's so many movies that Stephanie wants me to see. Oh, I like this. Yeah. And so like movie time before bed. Tig, you're really. speaking to like where i'm at right now like this is my constant fantasy and this is of just unplugging and like so this is why i booked the place in airbnb so yeah You're speaking my language. This is, I really, again, this is the last time I'm going to say it. If it does interest anybody on this zoom, let me know. And I will gladly.
Lock it down for a couple of days and meditate and watch the sun come up and tread water and cook healthy food. Dude, you and Stephanie should come up to the Airbnb and just do 48 hours and we'll go in the lake. We'll go and I'll do whatever you say. I swear. I won't look at my phone. I won't even talk about cannibalism. Well, then what's the point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, should we hear Rhett and Link's answer?
¶ Rhett & Link's Machine and Farewells
Yeah, I would like to. Let's do it. My morning routine machine would plop me in the shower where I would be sprayed with water on my body, but coffee in my mouth. And then... a team of blow dryers would descend from the ceiling and blow dry my entire body. Thanks for clarifying. Without me having to lift a finger, because I already blow dry my body, but it takes a lot of work. I highly recommend it. Wait. My morning routine machine would...
administer via IV all the liquids that I need for the day, because I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water, and I try to drink water right when I wake up, but I never have a taste for it. I just don't have a taste for water. It doesn't really taste. I just don't want it, and I know I need it.
IV administration of water, and then the machine would go into my son's room, wake him up, argue with him about why it's important to be on time for things and why if you can't learn how to be on time for school, then... you're gonna not be on time for other things later in life, and people are gonna think less of you, and also there's gonna be opportunities that you're gonna miss out on, and then the machine would raise its voice and be like, I'm serious!
I'm serious. We have to get to school. I've got things to do today. I've got places to be. That's right. Oh, my Lord. That's the North Carolina coming out in him. Well, speaking of that being the North Carolina in him. He reminded me of Zach Galifianakis in that moment, the way he raised his voice when Zach is silly yelling. And Zach is from North Carolina. That's why I'm bringing that all together. That's our North Carolina raising your voice. Yeah.
Well, the nice thing about having a robot to yell at your kids would be then you could be the hero who comes in and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop yelling. Hey, hey. And then you're the hero. My, I got you boo. I forgot would also sing to me and make me breakfast. But wouldn't you actually want it to just accompany you while you sing, like play the. We could harmonize. that would be nice yeah yeah a nice morning harmony yes
Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Boy, we still got it. Do we not? We still got it. Well, that was a really fun episode, huh? I can't wait for our retreat. I know. This led to a health retreat with sexy time. It always does. As soon as we get off this Zoom, I'm going to be sending dates your way. I thought I'd get into where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. It's not a very long list. All right. Is everybody ready for this? Yeah.
August 17th, West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York. Saturday, August 23rd, P-Town. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. P-Town. Gay Enclave. Yes, it is a gay enclave. And then Saturday, September 27th, the Beau Ravage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi. So there you go. Also check on tignotaro.com for all of my working out new material in Los Angeles. I'll be in Toronto soon.
at Largo, Dynasty Typewriter, and Comedy Bar. So that's what's up with me. On July 25th, I'm in Montreal at Just for Laughs doing Mae Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theater. What about you, Fortune? I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane July 20th for the Great Outdoors Festival. I love Mateo. I know, he's the best. I'm hosting a gala in Montreal July 26th, which May will be on. I'm doing it.
I can't wait, yeah. That's going to be fun for Montreal folks. Then my stuff starts in September. San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk. virginia richmond dc portland maine boston and burlington vermont with a lot more added Atlanta, New Orleans, Mobile. You can get your tickets at fortunefeemster.com. If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend. Let's keep...
building this awesome, handsome community. I mean, everywhere I go, people tell me to keep it handsome and it is just so fun. Also, don't forget to rate and review the show and subscribe. to also not just the show, but to our YouTube page. These are the ways to ensure the show keeps going. People always ask that, like, how do we make sure this doesn't go away? Subscribe to the show, review, rate. Tell your friends, share episodes. All of it is so important. And we just love you guys.
All the best to Ginger. And let's get to planning our retreat. We got to bring Ginger to the retreat. Oh, my gosh. Or we fly out to where she is and we have the retreat with her. All right. Okay. Well, until next time, huh? Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.
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