Pretty Little Episode #82

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Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm your pretty little host, Fortune Feebster. I'm your pretty little host, Mae Martin. Hello. Yeah. It's good to see you. Lovely to see you as always. Yeah. Um, what've you been doing? What do you got there? You putting on a I'm putting on a little shirt'cause I was getting a little chilly in here. Oh, you gotta stay warm. I just got back from Indianapolis. Cincinnati and Milwaukee, where it was um one degree in

Milwaukee, Milwaukee was six degrees and then I drove back to Chicago to Florida there and it was one degree. One degree. Yeah, it's just Not okay. Yeah, that's not you. It's not very I'm I'm beachy. It's character building though.

I was just uh the other day I was thinking like uh'cause I was talking to a friend of mine who grew up on the East Coast and we were talking about in the winter how yet to wear your winter boots to school and then change into your school shoes and you'd have like salt stains on your pants from the salt and and just the feeling of like burning in your throat from the cold and we were like

If p some people in LA have never brought their sh school shoes to school and it shows. Yeah, they have no idea about whether I mean I grew up in North Carolina where it's fairly tame, but the most I would have to do is like turn the car on in the morning to let it warm up and some of the ice melt off of the windshield. But it was not crazy.

No, that counts. Yeah. Yeah, but that was like, you know, compared to like a Chicago or a northeast area, it ain't nothing. Um, but it was, you know, s I I had a taste of weather. But those climates in the i in the winter are gnarly. I mean everyone was

so lovely at the shows and probably they were just so happy to be warm. Yeah. Um but man and it started snowing quite a bit, um, while I was driving from Uh, after the show in Milwaukee I drove to Chicago and I it's a little scary driving in that stuff. Yeah. I have not had to do that. I've driven in the rain. It was scary enough. Yeah. Yeah. You'll have to build your way up to that. Did you ever did you go like

Sledding as a kid though? Um, if there was enough snow, but w a lot of our snow would wouldn't stick or if it like once every couple of years we'd have a you know, several inches and then we would.'Cause we would do a lot of sledding and I I was thinking about the There's always a moment you're a kid like flying down the there's a moment where you think, I've lost control. Like this you're this is a brush with death. And then when you get to the end

And there's like a flat part and you you've picked up all the speed and you go you slide and slide and slide and then there's like that long walk back and you're by yourself. Then you're like your parents are little people on top of the head. Yeah, and this like you're like Sisyphus and it's like it it teaches you about

reward and delayed gratification and to go from the the bliss to then that slog up the hill, it's I think it's crucial. Well,'cause Toronto gets super, super cold, right? In the winter. Nasty cold, yeah. Nasty.

So does has it made you anti cold? Are you No, I respect the cold and I think it has a lot to teach. Respect the cold. Yeah, I like I'm into it. I mean I'm so deeply grateful not to live in it though. Listen, I don't want to live in it, but put me in a you know, cute cottage with snow around and a uh Sexy fireplace? Yeah. One of my toxic traits is that I at night if I have like

a date sleeping over or a girlfriend. I like to crank the AC, get it real cold in the house, and then they gotta cuddle me. Wow. Isn't that kind of psychotic and manipulative? They're like They're like Yeah, and I go, They're there. They're there. I got you. That is hilarious. It's one of my toxic traits. It feels honestly that has never even occurred to me to

crank the air conditioning. Yeah, it's gotta be cold. Cause well there's nothing worse than it being too hot and you got someone in your bed. Well see I have um I l I I haven't thought about the AC, but I have a I love a fireplace. Oh yeah. So even um even in LA where it's not that cold, I will crank open crank up a fireplace.

Yeah. You have to like the ambiance, you know? Well, it does something to your brain. They've s they've studied that like even staring at a candle flame, your brain goes into like alpha relaxation mode. It it It's regulating. So it's staring at flames. Yeah, you look at the fire, you think about your your Neanderthal ancestors that would have looked into a fire. Yeah. Yeah, I I've am soothed by water and I'm soothed by f um

Fireplace or candles. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I'm scared of big rolling deep water though. Big ocean no. I don't want to go swimming in the ocean. Only because everybody keeps getting eaten by sharks lately. Really? Oh my god, there's like shark attacks like every week it seems. It here? I mean everywhere. Not just not here, but I mean a lot of places. Oh god Florida, Australia, that woman in Santa Barbara that was just

Like she was with a bunch of people training. No. Guy in Australia with a bunch of surfers, um girls in Florida with their friends, and in uh waist deep water. I mean waist deep? Yeah. I think some waters are getting warmer. Yeah, or they're orga the sharks are organizing. There's some Broader play. I don't I don't need to be in the ocean. I can enjoy it from the beach. You get in your tits out tub. Tits out's all you need. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Ha

Well, should we hear some questions from our lovely listeners? Let's do it. Hello, handsome. This is Margaret, currently in California, uh a lady. Um, I was wondering if you could put together your own roast where you picked the comedians who were going to roast you and let's say minimum three maximum eight.

Which comedians would you be picking to roast you? Ooh, okay. That's great. First of all, I hate roasts. Yeah, we're all scared of it. We uh we've talked about this that you and me especially like I just I'd wanna go self deprecating or compliment someone like I c I can't roast someone. It's not my thing. I will watch'em to see, you know, the jokes crafted, but boy do they make me uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's hell. It's absolute hell.'Cause some some people you feel fine for. You're like, oh, they're strong. I know they can take it. And then others you're like, ooh, I know that. Punch them in their soul. Yeah, or you can see it on their face. And and then I feel like a lot of people out in the world, they think comedy and they think Rose. Like that's so I I've I'm glad that you don't like them because sometimes I've been like, Am I even a real comic because I hate Rose?

But uh it's just not for everyone. It it's a thing that certain people can do well. Nicky Glazer. She is an incredible roaster and um But the she'll really blew up from that. Yes, and they're smart jokes too. And I think Like if I was okay if I was Planning my own roast. I'd want to go with f like friends who Okay. I wouldn't mind So it could easily they would ease into it a little bit. Yeah, and they'd be

really well observed things about about me. It wouldn't just be like, oh, you're non binary. May's toxic trait is pumping the air conditioning up. Just to get cuddles. Yeah. Yeah. So I pick I pick you and and Tig, obviously. Uh huh. I would pick Chelsea Paretti, probably. Oh, she'd be good. She'd be really good. She's so dry and sarcastic. Yeah, totally. And I feel like she's made fun of me before and I've loved it.

I was trying to do a Chelsea impression. Oh, let's hear it. I don't think I can do it. Yeah, it's a tough one. It's pretty crazy how you It's not bad. Is it? If I had my eyes closed, I would I would never guess who that was. I knew that was her with four words. Yeah. I mean Sarah Silverman's great as well. Mm-hmm. What about Sabrina Sabrina? Sabrina Juliese. Yeah. Lisa Gilroy, Alana Child. I just picked my my friends and I'm noticing there's Not a lot of men on this list.

Brett Goldstein is such a gentle, soft soul. Like he Mav Mavis. Mavis. And he has hard time saying anything bad about you. Yeah. Oh that's it. You do it. Come on, Mavis. Oh it's Mavis is a lovely they them. That's a good that's a good rh uh impression. Yeah, I'm gonna d I'm doing a show with him soon. Uh and but we're he doesn't he's not a roaster, yeah. Yeah. So I'm not picking any like strangers who are just gonna

go with like the first thing they see. What about you? Oh boy, let's see. I would have you in Tig as well'cause we would be looking handsome and we'd probably have on a suit'cause we'd be on some sort of stage. Uh-huh. And if people are gonna make fun of me, I at least want to be looking really sharp. Yeah. You're gonna look I actually had a roast for my thirtieth birthday. Um yeah, in my backyard. Um...

And I honestly don't remember what a single person said about me, but I do remember having fun. Okay, so it didn't cross over into it did no, I didn't um I didn't have regrets about doing it. We pulled a old chair out into the yard and I sat on it. I was I do remember what I was wearing, a pink button up with a black tie. And jeans. A pink shirt with a black tie.

So roast for you or that's about the outfit we're learning. Yeah. I had to look sharp. Yeah. And I don't know yeah. Clearly nobody said anything too hurtful because I feel like if someone really stings you, it stays with you forever. Forever. Forever. So I think I came out of that unscathed. But it was my birthday, so I think they were going easy on me. Yeah. So who would you were there any people that were at that roast that you'd have back?

Th I mean those were a lot of uh like Aaron Foley I think w did one. I I like Aaron Foley. I would have her s d do one as well. I mean I would I would have Nikki Glazer do something just because I would want to see the her joke writing and what she what her observations are of me would be great.

What about Chelsea Handler? Yeah, Chelsea Handler. I'd have her uh uh she'd be funny. Leanne Morgan would be funny. Oh, I don't know who that is. Fortune Morgan's so yummy. Fort uh Leanne is an older um comic who has like really blown up she's from Tennessee. And she's like, Give my dar Darwin. Yeah. Yeah. Um, which uh Leanne is supposed to do a question for our pod and I keep forgetting to circle back.

Um, but she's very funny. Um Margaret Cho would be good. Yeah, Margaret Cho's good. I don't know if I'd have dudes doing it either. Isn't that weird? Women are more of a safe space. Yeah. Maybe Nick Cricket would be clean. And then Nikki would just rip us into an asshole. Yeah, Nikki would just destroy us. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. not checking if your friend enjoys theater before buying tickets for the new show.

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My friend Jillian Bell's not a stand up but she's very funny, so I would have her do something. She's very funny. I I would maybe have Lisa Coudreau. You'd have Tony Collette and she could rip on my we could do ours together and she could rip on my Australian accent. Oh, let's do ours together. That feels less scary. Yeah. But I do And then karaoke at the end. I do think Thomas should um should roast us. I think that would be cathartic.

And we have to wear fake mustaches while he's doing it. Yeah, so to hide the tears. The qu to hide the trembling lip. Um, well that's a fun question. I haven't Ever thought about that before? Like my friend Matt, who lives with me, he I think I said this on the pod, but when he made the observation that I walk like When you see footage of Bigfoot caught uh by camera just striding across Through the forest, these like weird long, gangly legs. He said I walk like like bigfoot caught on camera.

And so that's why you gotta have your friends roasting you because they yeah, they know they notice things, you know? That's right. I know. Oh, I would want Karen Kilgeriff as well. Yes. Um, because uh everybody n uh knows her these days from my favorite murder podcast. But Karen is one of the funniest stand ups I've ever watched on stage. Um, so I would

pay good money to see whatever she came up with. Yeah, definitely. Roast away, Karen. And it would be hysteric I would be I would probably be crying laughing. Yeah. Because her observations would be so Specific. Yeah. Should we hear what Margaret says? Yeah. They'd have. I hope we're on the list. Oh, Lunel would be really funny too. Yeah. The comedian Lunel. My answer would be um the three of you, obviously. Um thank you so much for um the podcast. It's been such a joy to have

Um and I hope uh you all have a great twenty twenty six. Thanks. Thanks, Mark. Great you too. We'll go easy on you. Yeah, we'll go easy on ya. Yeah. Yeah. All I can come up with is m mm Princess Margaret or something, but I don't know. Uh I'll I'll work on it. I'm workshopping it. All right. You workshop it. Yeah.

Who else we got? Hey y'all. This is Melanie from Calgary, Canada. Hey. I have a question for you. What is a conspiracy theory that you believe in?

Bonus points if you made it up yourself. This is right up your alley. There's too many. I was like, I feel like you believe in quite a few. There's too many, but Uh, okay, well I I I guess my big thing right now is the chambers underneath the pyramids, these giant chambers, which make me believe it uh maybe they're big, um batteries, like energy charging stations, the pyramids. Then you could you could charge up your spaceship or something.

Uh there's one that I've heard that Garth Brooks is a serial killer. And that one's pretty juicy if you do a deep dive. I'm sure it's Garth if you're listening. I don't think you're a serial killer. Allegedly. But they are they look at m women going missing in the towns that he's touring and That's crazy. There's a couple of weird yeah, it I mean it's nuts, but It's fun to look into. Uh the Titanic what is the conspiracy about the Titanic? That they uh sunk it?

Yeah, because like there were because there were a lot of bank leaders The other ones aren't that fun like nine eleven but that's a a lot with that one. I mean I I'm more into the silly ones like Bigfoot and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like Mass Monster. Yeah. Yeah, like um my brother's pretty into giant creatures and and things like giant sloths or gi or great huge

squid and things like that and it's called cryptozoology. That's what it is. Yeah. And it's like almost mythic creatures, but a lot of people think they're real. Yeah. Yeah. There's that one about um John F. Kennedy and the umbrella guy. It's you know, there's that video footage of the day and uh there's a mysterious figure that was holding um like a like a black umbrella and it was he w they were on the route.

And um they some people think that the umbrella that that the opening of the umbrella was signaling to Oswald um that the president was approaching. Um and then some people think that um other people th thought he had some kind of poison dart from it. Oh I don't know. Why would he need the poison dart, you know? That he

I don't making making him like an easier target, I guess. Like so but I mean he's like a sitting duck anyway. I don't that that theory to me does not hold water, but I just want to before I die, just get a list of A, all the closeted actors, so I just know for myself, and B all the conspiracy theories and the

the truth and but this is how Trump like gained some traction by being like, guys, if I'm president, I'm gonna tell you about aliens. I'm gonna tell I'm gonna open up the JFK files. I'm gonna And instead he's just any of that. No, and he's like, But I won't release the Epstein files. Yeah, it's sketchy.

Yeah. Area fifty one, that's a whole thing, right? Yeah, area f I mean, I'll believe anything, basically. Nothing would shock me. You know I mean I th I think now when it comes to aliens, people w especially since the military spoke out that they're that they exist that there's less skepticism than there used to be. It's becoming pretty mainstream. Yeah. Yeah, the the Nasca mummies are an interesting one. If you wanna give those a Google.

They're like alien mummies or something, I don't know. Well But in gen I would say in general, I personally am not a big conspiracy theory gal. Is that because you just are like, I don't wanna waste energy down a rabbit hole, or are you like Yeah, it's more of like when there's not an answer to something. Yeah. I don't I I sometimes be like, Oh, that's interesting. Like, what could that have been? Without really spending a lot of time on it. I sort of take things for face value.

Um well and that's not always the right thing, but You know. I I'm the opposite, like, but to my detriment for sure. And and then the other day I realized like I I have had like a low level anxiety since around puberty. Just like, what's the meaning of life? Why are we here? Is it a simulation? What happens after we die? Like all those questions. And then I realized I'm kind of I'm feeling like

urgency like I'm gonna answer those questions. And I need to realize like the joy is in asking the questions. I'm not gonna get answers. And Yeah, I mean some questions cannot be answered. We will not know. Yeah. So I have to get rid of that low level constant anxiety, which comes from this feeling like I haven't done my homework because I haven't figured out those questions yet. Yeah. But it's And I'm too chill to

like pry any further. You're like, it's not my business. Wow. People tell me I need to ask more questions. And I go, Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess I could dive more into that thing. Right. I I'm gonna do a night. I saw someone did this and I'm I'm organizing one at my house that's a conspiracy theory night where we all wear tinfoil hats and then everybody has to prepare a presentation on a conspiracy theory.

Um and it could be the the craziest one and you present them to each other. Okay. That definitely seems like a May party. Yeah. Will you have snacks? I'll have snacks. I'll have hot dogs. One hot dog. One hot dog between twelve people. Yeah. Everyone's like, can we just have a normal conversation? Uh well if the party is planned.

for this purpose. Yeah. Your friends will come knowing this is the deal. Yeah. Should we hear Melanie? I just real quick, one good one is that Stanley Kubrick f filmed the moon landings and that the shining is him is full of him confessing to that and and it's there's like s hidden messages and clues and symbolism. There's a whole documentary on it. Huh. Yeah.

Let's hear what Melanie has to say. Some people some there are a lot of people who do believe the moon landing never happened. Yeah, I don't know. I think I don't know. We need some conspiracies out there about the handsome podcast. If anyone wants to start one like that we're all AI or that Let's Right. Yeah. Yeah, let's hear a melody.

My conspiracy theory that I made up myself that I a hundred percent believe is that Nobody actually likes beer. Everyone's just pretending because they don't want to admit that they don't like it and they're just kind of going along with drinking garbage water. And nobody actually likes. And if you're gonna say, I do like beer, what I have to say is that just f further proves my point.

You don't actually like beer. And you can just admit it, it's okay. I mean taking a quick poll here,'cause fortune, you don't like beer? I do not like it. I think it's an acquired taste. Yeah, I don't really like it either. Thomas, do you actually like the taste? I do like beer. Okay. All right. But you would say that. Yeah, I would say that.

Yeah, I think it's nasty, but Yeah, to me it's just yeah, it has such a weird taste. And I know to some people it's like the most refreshing drink ever. Yeah. Um I'm not it's not for me, but I think People start drinking it in college and stuff'cause it's cheap. Yeah. It's cheap and you can you can chug it.

I like that theory though, Melanie. Mm-hmm. I mean I I definitely had to train myself to like the taste of coffee or when I s was smoking, I would sort of you hate it for a while and you have to force yourself. So I could see how that happens with beer. Mm-hmm. Well What a treat. More treatment questions. Yeah, you can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod uh to submit your questions and if you need advice about any situations in your life.

Um, please keep sending them. That's right. We're here to help you and to answer your questions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we appreciate all you guys um tuning in. Thank you for listening. I hope everybody's having a lovely um March. We're heading into spring. Oh my God, finally. That's right. Spring is here then. Spring spring has sprung and

The grass is riz, I wonder where them birdies is. And guess what? We get that hour back so it doesn't get dark at five PM Yeah. Yeah. That I love. Yeah. Yeah. Give me that sunshine. And I guess... All that remains really is Keep it pretty handsome handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on the That handsome pod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a headgum podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that I've got my handsome tuxedo ready to go before a big event? Big mistake. Now I'm walking the red carpet in a t-shirt and jeans. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates Northbrook Insurance.