Pretty Little Episode #71

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking that you packed boots when you're headed off on a winter getaway. Sure, you could walk through the snow in your sneakers, but your feet are going to get a little cold.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

pretty little episode welcome to To Handsome's Pretty Little Episode. I'm Fortune Famouser. I'm A. Martin. And we're coming to you right after the big holiday. Yes, indeed. After Christmas, so everybody's probably filling their bellies with some leftovers today. We hope all your dreams came true and your wishes were answered.

I just Googled, before we started, I just Googled, why do they call Boxing Day, Boxing Day? Do they call it that in America? I don't know. I mean, I've heard of Boxing Day, but I don't know what it is. Oh, it's the day after Christmas. Isn't that celebrated? Quite a bit in Canada and England. It's not a big thing over here, I don't think. Oh, maybe. Okay, yeah. Boxing Day is usually like there's Boxing Day sales. Oh, yeah, no. And it says...

It's named after the practice of giving Christmas boxes filled with gifts, money, and food to servants and tradespeople who had to work on Christmas Day. It could come from the church alms boxes that collected donations for the poor. which were opened and distributed the day after Christmas. That's cool. I see. I never knew because, yeah, when I was in England, not England, I was in Spain for Christmas once, and Boxing Day was a thing.

they have something called three Kings day and like, there's just these different holidays that they celebrate that I, and I knew in Canada boxing day was a thing. Yeah. You got to hit the, you got to hit the shops. For America, what's the big shopping day around Christmas? Is it Christmas or is it New Year's?

I don't know. Do you get like Cyber Monday or like Black Friday? Is that a thing? That's Thanksgiving. I guess those are our big sales out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. I'm not a big shopper, so I could care less about that. Those shopping days. I'm trying to be less of a shopper, like trying to give a lot of Christmas presents that are...

paintings and stuff or things I make. From the heart. Fortune, I will. And I'm glad, I'm kind of glad it's just you today. Oh, really? Why? What's happening? Well, I don't want to be... ridiculed for this purchase. So please let this be a safe space. What if I ridicule you? What is this? A drum machine?

Yeah, it's a drum machine. It's a drum machine. You're going to have a full electronic band in your house. Seriously. And let me tell you, it's harder than you think. The Chuck E. Cheese band. Yeah. And I sort of thought... I don't know, because it's small and electric, it would be easy, but you do actually have to know how to play the drums, which I don't. This isn't like a pre-made beat. I'm sure it has that, but it's been pretty fun pounding away.

Are you wanting to learn to drum? What I want is to be able to create a full song just by myself because I make demos and stuff with guitar and bass and things. I always have to go to friends or... producers to to add things and it would be cool to oh okay so we've got a drum an electric drum thing a synthesizer yeah keyboard i've got a keyboard you got your your acoustic guitars electric electric and what any other

That's about it. Oh, harmonica? I play the harmonica. Can you play harmonica? A little bit. I'd really like to learn something like a violin, but that's really fucking hard. Oh my god, don't do that to yourself. It's really hard. You play the flute. Not me? Wait. Really? I played a trumpet for a couple, like two years in junior high. Maybe take place the flute.

Does Tig play the flute? I would be shocked if Tig played a flute. Who plays the flute then? Lizzo. Not me. I swear one of us plays the flute, but maybe it was the trumpet I'm thinking of. I talked to the ladies in the Chicks band, formerly the Dixie Chicks. So Emily plays the banjo. She said that's ridiculously hard, but it's nothing compared to how hard the, um, what it, it's not the violent. What's the other? Oh my gosh. No, it's another handheld thing, but.

Like the violin. Is it a... Fiddle. Fiddle. Yeah. Fiddle. So her sister, Marty, plays a fiddle. And apparently it's like insanely hard. So hard. But how impressive. Yeah. I did a show at Largo the other day where I sometimes do covers of Elliott Smith songs there. And I had the Watkins family hour that musical brother and sister act have been around forever. she plays the violin. And so they accompanied me and it was like the simplest acoustic song.

And then as soon as that violin comes in, you're just, you want to weep. Like it's so beautiful. It just elevates any song. Like if we added violin to our theme song, we'd be winning all the Webbys. Winning those Webbys. Winning those podcasting trophies. They couldn't deny us because they're like, listen to that violin intro. Yeah. Well, I think, you know.

What we have, it ain't broke. You're right. We'll fix it. You're right. That's usually a sign. When you're a fan of something and then something you love about it changes, it's a sign things are going to go. When the Survivor theme song changed, I was like, I think it's back to normal now. I didn't know it changed. Briefly, I think. Do you still watch that show a lot? Of course. Every week.

Oh my gosh. This season's great. I guess it'll be over by the time this comes out. And then season 50 will be about to air, which is all previous players. Yeah.

A big season. 50 seasons of Survivor. It's going to be epic. Would you ever... I know Mike White has done it. He's on season 50. Oh, really? Would you ever consider it? I mean, it's so close to... to parv and then i'd feel so like i'd want to do her legacy proud almost because then it's just she can't be touched so i don't know i'd like to just no you'd have to do your own thing i think i'd be so anxious about washing my face and

I think maybe when I'm like 50 and you know, then I would do it. I would like to do it. You never know. I can tell you with great certainty, there's not a chance in hell. I would do that show. Would you do Traders? Uh-uh. Really? I got asked to do, I've been asked to do several reality shows. I got asked to do Celebrity Big Brother. I've been asked to do The Masked Singer. I've said no to all of them.

I just love games, but you're not, yeah. I'll do like game. I don't mind game shows. I've done plenty of those. I was on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. Yes. I've done like Pyramid. um but but i realized i like those games a lot but some of the games um is when because i always think i'm not an anxious person but then Under a timer, answering questions, the anxiety shoots through me.

Oh, like your mind else. Yeah. And you just go blank. Like, yeah. Some of those, some of those, um, trivia games with timers on them. Cause I'm fairly decent at trivia, but you put a timer on it. and I'm done for. Yeah. I think it's always a good strategy to just say something really confidently because then funny stuff comes out. I'd love to go on those shows. I'd love to see you on Traders, though. I think you'd be incredible.

I love the game Mafia, but it gives me so, even in just a game with friends, it gives me so much stress having to be deceitful. I don't care for it. No one would see it coming with you. I played like a crazy ass game in wafia with, I'll never forget, with my Sunday company. And I was down to two of us. And I had to be so convincingly lying.

Because you were mafia? Uh-huh. And he was like, you guys, she's lying. And I'm like, I had to be like, you guys. And everyone was like, she wouldn't do that for the game. Yeah. And then I just felt like a monster.

I mean, there's a UK season of Celebrity Traders on right now, and it's all famous. It's like Stephen Fry and Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr, these really famous British... comedians and actors and celia emery is on and she's a like an i think she's like an oscar winning super respected actress she's in her 70s and so they're explaining one of the challenges to all the

contestants and it's really tense and they're in this dark room and they're like the host is like okay play us it's claudia winkelman and she's like you will have to find a shield and then there's a silence and then you just hear And then everyone looks and Celia Emery just farted. And she's like, and she goes, I'm so sorry. But I always own up when I've done it. That was me. I farted. It's just incredible. Yeah. I love that.

Don't you wish people were more confident with a well-timed fart? With their toots. I wish it was more accepted. Especially when you're that age, though, you can kind of be like, my bad. Yeah. That was my British accent. My bad. My bad. you know what's smart checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance you know what's not smart

Not checking for sundogs on a cold, sunny winter's day. Sundogs are a rare winter rainbow caused by ice crystals refracting sunlight in the atmosphere. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Well, let's get to some questions. Let's do it. Hello to whatever combination of TIG, Fortune, and May I am lucky enough to speak to. This is Sarah calling from Maine. My question is... If you could pass a law that's like not super high stakes. So nothing about fixing all of the actual problems, but like just something that you think would make the world marginally better. What law would you pass and why? Great question.

Oh man, I actually have so many. My first thought was that it should be illegal to say, okay, slowly backing away now. You know when people do that? I don't think I've heard that much in real life, but I have seen it in a lot of movies or TV shows. I just remember working in call centers and stuff where I would do something not even eccentric, like just something I'd go, oh, yeah.

you know, I'm just, I'm going to have a glass of hot water. That's good for my, and they go, okay, slowly backing away now. And I'd be like, all right. That's funny. I guess. Maybe we would all be better for that. I think we would. You would be better for that for sure because you hate it. I think I would like to massively change all school curriculums. This is a big jump from my last suggestion. I'm just like, we should be teaching relationship skills in schools and financial literacy.

gender and and and better history and like yeah i would just make my own school curriculum whole unit on the beatles Plus to like, yeah, just like throwing in some like empathy classes and like. Emotional intelligence. Communication. And also the schools, the curriculum currently is very centered. It's specifically designed for people, you know, when you deal with the right brain and left brain.

Side of your brain that's creative is not the one that – why can't I think which one's which? Right brain is – I think right brain is like logical and left brain is creative. The logic side is what the curriculum is based on. So if your brain fires in that way, you... tend to excel but if you're a left brain or you're more creative or you're visual um you need to you know picture things they don't teach that and so you those

people tend to lag behind. Yeah, they I know a kid who at their school and in grade one, they could if they were kind or cooperative, they would get stars. And then if you get enough stars, you get like student of the week and you get a prize or something like it's it's very like uh yeah and but if you have to go pee you have to spend one of your stars

So you're like being almost- Wait, what? I know. So all these kids were like holding their pee and not wanting to go pee or blow their nose because they'd have to spend their stars. And I'm like, no, come on. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You should be able to pee whenever. Maybe having more, um, more bike lanes and like biking be more of a, you know how like an Amsterdam bikes are so prevalent. Yeah. Having more of that would be kind of cool.

You know, or right now you don't want to ride your bike because it's like, it's not very pedestrian friendly. Yeah. And so I think if it were more part of the culture. And it would be something a lot more people would do. I'd like that. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if LA was a big bike city, that would be great. Yeah. Yeah. Should we hear Sarah's answer? Let's hear it.

My answer to this question, I have two. The really unserious one is that I would make it a law that you could not do any advertising or merchandising for Christmas until after Thanksgiving, because I think we just really need to rein that stuff in. slightly more serious one is that I think everyone should have to take refresher driver's ed and pass the test again every 10 years. Thanks so much for having me on. Bye. She's not wrong about that because you're dealing with that right now.

prepping or you've just done it? Well, I'm really noticing also in learning how to drive, how badly everyone I know drives. Like no one's doing all the things that they teach you. I mean, I wouldn't mind, and I don't mean to be ageist here in saying this, but at a certain age, I feel like there should be check-ins.

of like otherwise it's up to your families to be like hey you shouldn't be driving anymore yeah like i know with my grandmother like she you know probably should have not been driving a little bit sooner than when we realized it

Totally. And actually, now that we're here, I imagine it is really hard to stay on top of like... cultural changes and the evolution of things as you get older and maybe having like every decade you have a little course just to like technological changes that you need to be up to date on or like

Yeah. It'd be annoying for sure, but like it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't hurt. And just to learn about like, um, yeah. New terminology and things that you need to learn. And improving people's driving in general. Sure. Wouldn't hurt. Yeah. I like that, Sarah. Thank you. Thanks, Sarah. Should we squeeze another one? I'll squeeze it in. Squeeze it in, my friend. Squeeze a nun? Squeeze a nun. Squeeze a nun.

Hi Tig, hi Mae, hi Fortune. This is Katie from Central Wisconsin. My question is, if you had to have a retirement job, what would it be? be? So like you retired and then you had to go or you wanted to go work some more because you can't sit on your butt like me. So you went and got a job after you retired. What would your retirement job be? Hmm. Well, I'd be older, so I don't want to, because like at this age, I'd be like wanting to be outside and on my feet. But at that age, I want a cush job.

Yeah, but still be on your feet because you want to stay active. I like those greeter jobs that some of the older folks do, you know, at different like fast food restaurants or Walmart or something like that, where you just say hello to people as they come in. Is that a thing where you just go, morning, welcome. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice. Or they like, you know, help clear tables or stuff like that. But it's mainly being social. I always said my mom would be so good at those.

Now she's too old, but there was a window after she retired where she still had a lot of spunk. Yeah. And would get bored sometimes. And a greeter job she would have loved. But she ended up doing that. For the USO, but as a volunteer position for like 10 years. So she did scratch that itch. Yeah. I mean, she's a ray of sunshine to be greeted by Ginger anywhere. Yeah. I think I would.

well I'm thinking about the other jobs that I would like like I would love to work with kids like maybe I would so let's say I'm in my 70s or something maybe I'm getting a I'm teaching a weekly mythology course to like 10 year olds and i'm i'm i'm really trying to like make their minds explode maybe not mythology but i'd like to teach kids i think

Something whimsical. Something whimsical for kids. Yeah. Maybe putting on little local community theater shows with kids or with like special needs kids or something. That'd be really fun. Yeah. or I listened to a podcast about a guy who went into prisons and put on Shakespeare productions with the prisoners. Like that would be incredible. I'm noticing though that I'm always like having to be in some kind of leadership role. Like I think I'm bossy. I think I, are you?

I think I am. Yeah. And I don't, I like, I don't get to scratch that itch enough. I'd like to be in charge of a group of people and be like, yeah, guys, at least you got to do that with your show. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's fun to give a pep talk to a group of people. We're going to go out there. We're going to get a big day ahead. We're going to get this done. We're going to have a good time. Kind of like. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Should we hear Katie's answer? Yeah.

My dream retirement job is to be one of those singing, like... telegram people who dress in a ridiculous outfit and then make up songs to like parodies um for people's birthdays and what have you i love to um Just make up random songs. And I think that would be so fun. Yeah, I like that. I think we once said that I would quit the podcast via no, that you guys would tell me I'm fired from the podcast via singing telegram.

Oh my gosh, but we would never. We would never. I mean, we'll send you a telegram for something much more positive. How about that? Yeah, it would soften the blow, though, if it was. Yeah, a little barbershop quartet. They always talk about singing telegrams on movies and TV shows, but have you ever... I've never seen one in real life. I think one of my...

In middle school, there were like a couple of kids who wanted to do that and they would go classroom to classroom sometimes on the charity day. You could pay like a dollar and they would deliver a message to another student. Karen has a crush on you. Really wouldn't fly these days. We had that, but around Valentine's Day at school, but it was like you could purchase a candy bouquet, which was just like a

bouquet of like suckers. Yeah. And you could write a little love note on it. And that's how some people would let their crushes know that they were into them. Huge day. Oh, and so anxiety inducing. Oh my God. That's right. I didn't get one. That's all right. No. Usually the people getting them were like the, those like handful of eighth graders that were in a relationship.

yes yeah yeah yeah and it would have been like what where they their boyfriends would have been in big trouble if they didn't send one that's right yeah that's right oh my god tyler didn't Tyler didn't send me a candy bouquet. That's right. Grounds for breakup. But weirdly enough, I did not have a boyfriend. So that is weird. And I was not enough of a feminist yet to know that I could buy my own. And send yourself a candy bouquet. Why not? Why not? Well, that was another fun one. It was indeed.

We always love everyone asking us questions. You can submit your questions or advice requests to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod as we go into a new year. I'm sure there are things that you want to ask us, you guys, or advice you want as you start making your vision boards. Which I assume everyone is doing. That's right. Thinking about your resolutions. Now is the time, y'all, as the year is coming to an end, to be thinking about what you want to accomplish in 26.

Or personally, professionally, love, relationships, all the things. I think it's good to just, you know, the manifestation thing. I believe in it. I believe in manifestation. Also, I hope everyone's just chilling, sitting around, soaking up the end of the year. Yeah. Enjoy the rest of the year. Thank you for being with us. We love you.

We love you a lot. Hopefully I see some of you guys in Seattle. I'm doing a New Year's Eve show that night. So if you are looking for a fun hang, come join me. I'll be there in disguise in a fake mustache and glasses. And then right. At the countdown, I'm going to walk on stage, shed my mustache, plant one on you. With a candy bouquet. Yeah, with a candy bouquet. Yeah. I'm going to close that loop. What a treat. Well, I guess all there remains.

Yep, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited. by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart?

Not checking how often you're supposed to feed the fish when you're house-sitting for a friend. Was it one pinch twice a day or two pinches once a day? You should have written it down when they were telling you. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.