Pretty Little Episode #69

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So go to handsomepod.com and get your order in by December 12th. That's handsomepod.com. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Pretty little episode. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. It's a pretty little episode and I'm a pretty little host called Mae Martin. I'm joined by... A pretty little host named Fortune Feimster. Hey, bud. What's up, bud? Not much. Well, my nervous system's fried because I just got out of my third driving lesson. Whoa. Yeah.

As you know, I've had lessons in the past, but I have a new guy called Robert. And today I drove out to the hills. I'm driving around and he has a convertible. And I'm in my shades in my convertible. You're taking driver's lessons in a convertible? That's so LA. And then he goes, oh, we're not going to make it back in time for you to podcast. And I was like, oh, but we have to. And he goes, well, I guess we better go on the highway.

I've never been on a highway, but I drove on the 405. Yeah, that's a big one. And then the 101. Not a big one. I said, Robert, if we're going to do this, like. you can't distract me. Like, cause he chats, he'll show me stuff on his phone. And I said, how'd you do on the freeways? Well, like once you're on, it's easier than, but I don't know. When I look over my shoulder before I change lanes, like the minute my eyes leave the road, the car starts to drift. Right, right. Yeah. You ever have that?

Oh, yeah. I mean, well, the newer cars, I don't know about his convertible, but a lot of cars now have the lights in the mirrors that they light up if there's a car to your right. So that's helpful. I want all of that. I'm going to need all that. Yeah. I mean, it is. But, you know, the freeways here are stressful. Probably the good thing is that traffic, was traffic moving or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I was driving 65 miles an hour. Well, there's so much traffic here that rarely are you able to go past like 70. Yeah. So that makes it a little less stressful. LA would be a stressful place to learn to drive for sure. It was crazy. And then he goes, well, I just got a text. One of my students just passed his test and he only made one mistake. And then he shows me the picture and it's...

a child with braces, like grinning, like full braces. Like I did it. I should have done this so long ago. When are you going to take, take the steps to do the actual driving tests? December 8th. Okay. Oh, you got a date. Oh, so it's already happened. Yeah, but I feel like I shouldn't. Yeah, right. It should have already happened. We're filming this a few days before that. Yeah. So people know.

God, I hope. So we'll see. May's going to leave us on the edge of our seats. Yeah, yeah. Because you're just ready. I mean, it is time for you to have a little more autonomy, having your own car and not having to depend on Ubers. Oh, it's ridiculous. Yeah.

But I think I've got to get a car so I can regularly practice and just going to the store and stuff. Like if I get the license and don't have a car, I'm still going to stay rusty forever, right? Right. Yeah, at least that way you could just be driving around your neighborhood and stuff. You could... you know, still Uber to some of the bigger things if you weren't feeling it. Would you feel safe with me and driving? I want you to practice for a little bit longer. Okay. My friend is cautious.

My friend had, I'm at the age where I have friends with teenagers and some of them are learning to drive and that is funny to hear about. Yeah. I'm going to be good. I just won't ever be able to have like music playing in the car or anyone speaking. You'll get more comfortable in time, but it just, it does take time, you know? So give yourself some grace, my friend.

Thank you, my friend. I'm glad you went back in time. I see your Dodgers hat. Go Dodgers. Sorry. I know they beat your team, the Blue Jays, but that was an amazing World Series in general. It really was. Well, I'm excited for the World Cup of Soccer. I want to go to some games. I'm super excited for that, too. You got any hookups? I don't. I don't. But, like, I...

I was looking at tickets. They are crazy expensive. Really? Oh, my God. Yeah. We got to find a way. Maybe we can, like, can the World Cup be a... sponsor on handsome or something so we can be like we don't need you guys yeah right yeah yeah i want to see some of those games i'll be rooted for england you were talking about people from all over the world wanting tickets so that's what is um makes them so valuable and expensive is that it's not just like your favorite team here it's like

Everyone all over the world wants to go to these things. Yeah. Glad I'm going to have my license for then. That's right. Because driving in LA will be great. It sure will. Should we hear some questions from our... Angelic listeners, let's do it. Hello, Tigme and Fortune. My name is Naomi, and I'm coming to you from South Korea. And I love you guys so much. I love listening to your podcast every week. I actually had tickets to see.

TIG right before COVID hit and it got canceled. And I haven't been back in the States since then, but I'm looking forward to seeing you all in the future. But I wanted to ask you, if we lived in a world where instead of cars, we all rode on mounts, and whichever mount you have, no one else could have that mount, what would you choose?

And it can be full size. So if you choose a fish or a turtle, it can be big enough for you to ride on it. Which one would you choose? To clarify, this is which animal would you mount? Yeah, I missed that too. I just heard to mount. Yeah. Okay, so we're mounting an animal. We're mounting something. Yeah. If we didn't have cars and such.

Okay, well, I mean, I feel like the obvious answer is a large cat, like a cheetah. Well, I guess there wasn't, it wasn't specifically, Naomi didn't specifically say animals, but gave animals as an example. Right. So it could be people. It says, what would you have as a mount if there were no cars? I've never really heard the term and I'm like kind of delighted. Yeah. I haven't heard that either.

I want fast but safe, basically. So I want... Oh, and maybe a little sexy. I'm going to go leopard, like Bagheera in Jungle Book. And imagine the rippling muscles underneath your... your bear gams. Well, it does make me think of the Zootopia 2 movie that we're all in. Having it all, I just watched it. So I'm thinking about all those animals from that world.

Yeah. And one of the boats, the fairies was a walrus. And so they get on the walrus's belly has like a. seats on it and they got on the belly of the walrus in it and it swam them across the lake yeah that's good i mean i mean you'd struggle on land Well, yeah, I don't think I'm going to go with a walrus, but it just made me think how funny having just seen animals being used in that way. Walruses are pretty majestic.

And silly creatures. Wait, yours was a what again? A leopard. A leopard. That's good because they're fast. Yeah, and sexy.

They're not going to make any mistakes. They might be a little too autonomous, like a little too rebellious. Right, right. I did ride on a camel once. Oh, you did? Yeah, when I was in Dubai. What was that like? It's kind of great. It's not the most comfortable. You like get on and they're so tall. Yeah. And you get on it. You really have to stretch your legs, get on it. And then they say, hold on when it gets up. Really hold on. Oh, wait.

Really? Because it goes forward and then back when it stands up. So it's almost like you see the... bulls at the bars that people ride it looks like that so you you get on it and it whooshes you forward so yeah i almost like chipped a tooth banging into jack's head Oh my God. When it went forward and then it flings you back. Are you like between two humps? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And then you're up and.

so tall um and then and then it's like you know a steady walk but it's um not sounding they're giant they're big so the it is not comfortable um But they ride them, you know, like people here ride horses, so. Yeah, yeah. But if I'm going down the highway on my leopard and then you're clomping along on your camel, you know I'm zooming.

You're going past me for sure. The leopard will have to be really strong for me to get on that one. They're so strong. Nobody would fuck with you if you were on a rhino. That would be too big, though. In a way, the rhino's kind of like, what's that really ugly Tesla that's like armored? Oh, yeah. The rhino is the armored Tesla of the animal kingdom.

I would probably do like a, like a cheetah or something. Yeah. Yeah. So in the same world as you cougar, I want to, I want to be fast. Yeah. They don't want to eat me. No, they know their role in this world. I want to hear Naomi's answer. Yeah, let's see what Naomi said. I would choose a moose because they're very strong and fast. And they're also very comfortable, I imagine, and beautiful.

For day-to-day transport, they would be great. And also, if I ever got into some sort of battle, I think a moose would be really strong and fast. Thank you all so much. I look forward to hearing your answer. This feels like apocalyptic. The grid is down. The grid's down. You're trying to lasso them. Yeah, you've got to lasso them, Moose. Yeah, to be able to ride them. Well, let's hope that's not the case.

You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking the weather report before heading up the mountain. You were hoping for a day of skiing, but it really helps to have snow on the ground first. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.

Potential savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. It was a bit of a leap to say that moose are comfortable. I don't know about that, but... Who knows? Actually, wasn't there a guy? Oh, this is going to be a really garbled fact. Is this my fact? Yeah. There was a guy who had a pet moose that was an alcoholic. The moose was.

and uh okay yeah i can't remember the details but is it ringing a bell thomas guy with guy with a drunk moose i mean to be fair the moose was supplied this alcohol so yeah the guy was an enabler for sure here we go i found it okay the the phrase drunk pet moose that's what i googled refers to the store The historical anecdote of Tycho Brahe, a 16th century Danish astronomer who kept a pet moose that became so inebriated on beer at a banquet that it fell down a flight of stairs and...

died oh this is sad i'm so sorry no that's really dark oh man poor moose yeah that sucks so i don't think the moose is an alcoholic it just got into a batch of something yeah yeah yeah it was just its trough was filled oh no All right. Well, we're going to treat our... Thank you for that tidbit. I'm sorry. It was a different time. A different time. You had your moose at your banquet. That's right.

I bet even at that time he was eccentric, though. I bet even in the 1600s they were like, this is fucked. Yeah. They're like, don't invite Tycho to the banquet. Tycho in the room. Loose cannon. Yeah. Should we hear another one?

Hey, handsome. My name is Mallory. I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee. And here is my question. May, I'm not sure if you remember this or not, but you told Justin Trudeau that his legacy would be great. And now he is dating Katy Perry. Is that the great legacy that you envisioned for him? That's hilarious. And if not, what did y'all think his legacy would be? Oh, man. Of course I remember. It was a really impactful moment. If you don't know, I met Trudeau when he was prime minister.

All my friends were like, you've got to challenge him on his environmental policies and all this stuff. And then I was bewitched by his charisma and I heard myself say, Your legacy will be great. And he just looks confused and was like, thanks. I think what I meant was he legalized marijuana in Canada. And he just at the time that he was elected, he seemed like a really.

A breath of fresh air. It was hopeful. It was like Obama. Yeah, it was like a surge of optimism. And then like Obama, there's only so much you can do in power. to live up to all your promises. And he, you know, he made by the end of his term, basically, or his reign, would you say? People were like, really disappointed in him. But I don't know. But now he's dating Katy Perry. So how do we feel about that? We feel, I mean, it makes sense somehow. Yeah, they're both good looking.

They're both good looking. It's like Zoolander. Two very good looking. I can't do the accent. Ridiculously good looking. Ridiculously good looking people. I've never called anyone a himbo. Was he a himbo? I don't know, but he's sort of, he's like so, like a Ken doll. He's so classically good looking, Trudeau, that I don't know.

I, truth be told, until the Katy Perry stuff, did not know he was divorced. Wasn't he married? Yes, he was. To Sophie Trudeau, who is the star of my favorite YouTube video of all time, which is... Her on Martin Luther King Day, getting up to make a speech after these deeply moving speeches have been made. And there was a gospel choir. And then she gets up and no one's asked her to do this. And she goes, okay, I'm going to step up.

This is not planned. Trust me. I'm going to sing an original song that I have written. And she sings an original tune. You just got to watch the video. And it is, I know it off by heart. Is she French Canadian? Yeah. Yeah. She sounds like Celine Dion, but not in the singing realm. Probably. Yeah. Wow. I did not know about that. I will have to look it up. Yeah. When did they get divorced? Was that a recent thing?

Yeah, I think a couple years ago, pretty recent. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I think they're going to have a blast together, those two. They're going to have a blast. They were on a boat recently, and she was in her bikini, and he was shirtless and jeans. I mean... Everyone's living their best life over there on that boat. Whenever I see pictures of a celebrity couple standing on the stern of a yacht and making out and getting photographed, I'm like, they must have known.

Because do you go and stand on the roof of your boat and make it like, remember J-Lo and Ben Affleck, their famous yacht? Well, no, I've heard various versions of this. Oh, okay. Not with this particular couple. But there are some celebrities who 1000% call the paparazzi. Yeah. And those pictures are there because they wanted those pictures to be there. Yeah. Now who.

How to decipher who does that and who does not, I'm not sure. Yeah. But I do know there are other celebrities that genuinely are just like doing their thing. And these camera lenses are crazy. I remember filming in Toronto, actually, with Arnold. Yeah. We were on a boat in a harbor just filming. And I... looked up and saw like pretty far distance, uh, a guy taking pictures of Arnold in particular. Um, and then those pictures were in the daily mail like two days later.

Imagine if you saw a walrus with the camera attached to its head. Oh, and I know that Arnold doesn't care about that. So he's not calling. Of course. If you were going to call the paparazzi because you wanted a photo to get out. to project a certain image of yourself. Okay. What situation would you like to be fake snapped and like where you go, Oh damn, the, the pot, the paps are here.

I mean, all I can think about is how many horrendous photos there are of me online. My favorite thing to do back in the day was Google, like, just... my name and me walking and i have the craziest faces because really yeah like i walked out of a thing i didn't know that there was like a camera person there and i'm like my face is like

distorted, my belly's like hanging out. I have some of the worst photos. And obviously that's not a common occurrence. It's just once in a blue moon, there's a camera. I wouldn't mind staging a whole... kind of hero situation for myself where I get actors to do a fake, they start brawling on the street and I go up, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, come on. Oh, that's a good one. Because didn't Ryan Gosling have that? There was...

He broke up a fight and there was a photo of it and it was real. Oh, really? I would like that. Yeah, I would just, I mean, I would do just the bare minimum of like, I've actually like brushed my hair. Oh, right. Okay. I have a little makeup on. You just want to circulate like a good photo. Just that I can take a decent photo. My guts, like, you know, a nice jacket's hiding there.

the the roles a little bit like i'll take a nice jacket all right yeah well we can arrange that oh please did mallory send an answer to that question The answer to that question for me is, yeah, that's pretty much what I thought. All right. Thanks. That you did intend for that to be his legacy dating Katy Perry. Or that Mallory is saying...

That's what she expected Trudeau's legacy to be, dating a celebrity. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah, I think that's kind of fair. Yeah, I mean, I could see him kind of like... living out the rest of his life like doing speeches and stuff and going to like galas and dinners and just dating good-looking women yeah for sure he'll probably have a podcast oh yeah good

He might send us a question and then we'll be sorry. Forever ridiculing him. Well, what a lovely couple of questions. I always enjoy these because... I never know what we're going to be asked. And neither of these things are things I have thought about. You never think about what your mount would be? I know. Well, now that this apocalyptic question has been presented.

Maybe I'll think about it more because there could be other animals that we're just not even considering. Oh, I mean, we didn't even touch on polar bear. I'd love to see a little mouse mount Biggie. And for Biggie to be the vehicle for a mouse. That would be really cute. Yeah. Well, it's December 12th. What do you got going on? I'm about to do some holiday shows in Florida and Orlando and St. Petersburg. And then I'm going to go spend some time with my mom.

holidays and then i'll end the year in norfolk virginia seattle washington on new year's eve and then uh vancouver so any canadians out there who want something to do at the end of the year come on out yeah big time i think i'm i'm I have a Largo show coming up, but if you check out my Instagram or maymartin.net for stuff, and then I'll probably be trying to chill over the...

over the holidays, but keep sending your questions, please. An advice request or whatever you want to say to us to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And I guess in the meantime, keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woollett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome.

pod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking that your plants are watered before heading out of town for the holidays. Nothing's more sad than arriving back home to wilting houseplants.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.