Pretty Little Episode #50

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Pretty little episode. Welcome to the Handsome Pods. Pretty little episode. It's your gal, Fortune Famester. And it is your dear, dear, dear friend, Tig Notaro. And we're back, baby. We sure are, baby. I love when you call me baby. Oh, listen. Because you're my baby, baby. I know I am. I know I am. I know I am. Do you like pet names? Do you and Stephanie go all goo-goo-ga-ga with each other? I mean... Yeah, we have pet names. I mean, do people not?

Are people in relationships? Are you not? No, I love a pet name. Okay. Listen, call me Sweet Cheeks all day long. Okay, call me Garbage Tits all day long. That's quite a pet name. No, I like all that. I like all that sappy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. We have numerous names for each other. And in fact. So much so, we have pet names. Has this ever happened to you? We have called each other that. Because you know how you're so used to calling somebody a name? And then like...

You have friends over and then you accidentally address them. You accidentally call them sugar tits. Yeah, exactly. But it just sounds like their name to you. Yeah. You know what I mean? But I mean, are there people just walking around the planet in relationships, not calling each other? Like Thomas, do you and Laura have boogie boogie boogie names? Yeah, we have a couple like that. Of course. Yeah.

I mean, there's got to be some couples that don't do that at all. I think it's gross, but I would think for the most part, love brings that out of you. Yeah. Yeah. So you caught me. We say those names. Yeah. Okay. I also want to give people a little peek behind the curtain. We had some technical difficulties and I normally like to groove along with the theme song, but I couldn't hear it in my headphones for some reason. So if you're watching on YouTube, which I know many of you are.

you'll see that I don't really know what's going on during the theme song. You're just this. Yeah. I'm just like, in your closet. Thomas was grooving though. Yeah, we were both grooving. It's hard not to jam to that song. It's very catchy. It's real good. It's real good. Made it a great job. So what's shaking? Bacon.

Yeah. That's vegan. Yeah. What's shaking vegan bacon? Not much. Just living my life. I went to Milwaukee this past weekend. Well, as one does when they're living their life. I love Milwaukee. It's a beautiful city. I love it. Right there on the water. Here's my prediction. Milwaukee is going to become... An explosively cool city one day. It's already getting cool, I think. I know it's already cool. I know it. And the people that know that it's cool are there. But I think in a much bigger...

On a much bigger level, people are going to get hip to Milwaukee. In fact, it might be happening because of this episode. I think it's happening because they got some cool places there. I went to Summerfest. For a gig, not stand up, but just was doing some work there. Tap dancing. It's got like 600 performers over three weekends. It's pretty, pretty big music festival. Yeah.

That was really cool, and it's by the water, and there's some neat restaurants over there. I enjoyed myself very much. Had you been there before? I have been there to do stand-up, which actually their theater, the Pabst Theater and the Riverside Theater, two of my favorite theaters. And part of that is because the people are great. The green room, especially at the Paps, has all these arcade games and records. And it's like such a cool vibe. And they have a barista.

A full on coffee situation with a barista in the green room before the show. And that is like my dream come true. Are you listening other theaters? Are you listening? Yeah, because that one I went, are you kidding me right now? I can get whatever coffee drink I want. They're like, yeah, this is this is for you. Yeah, it's I mean, I really feel like.

We're going to be making some Milwaukee folk happy talking about their city, their very cool city. And it was the home of Laverne and Shirley, right? That's right. What was their little song they sang? Thomas, can you look up what their song was? That was a good show. It really stuck with us. That was a show I watched. It was a show I saw reruns of more than watched. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Schlemiel. Schlemazel. Hausen Pfeiffer Incorporated.

I don't think I'm doing it right. Five, six, seven, eight. Shamil. Shmozzle. I mean, it's such a catchy song, but who on earth wrote this thinking this is the theme song for this show? I feel like if this was turned... in these days they would be like i'm sorry one two three four five six seven eight shamil shamazal like what is this enough incorporated yeah We're going to do it. Give us any chance, we'll take it. Read us any rule, we'll break it. See, that part makes sense, the beginning part.

doesn't read like it's going to be a hit song. Yeah. You can agree? I can totally agree. That does not scream hit to me. And the hit part, again, is we're going to do it. Give us any chance. We'll take it. Read us any rule. We'll break it. We're going to make our dreams come true. Doing it our way. Nothing's going to turn us. And then that I feel like is where a producer might say, and I'm sorry, it ends there. Nothing's going to turn us. Yeah.

Oh, wow. We really broke this down. Look, this is the Milwaukee episode, like it or not. Should we go to questions from our listeners? Before we get too many people moving to Milwaukee and taking our little cute condo on the river. Because we're going to live there, sugar bug. Sugar booboo. Sugar what? Sugar booboo.

Sugar boo-boo. That's me. Hi, handsomes. This is Amy coming to you from Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. Love you. Love the pod. My question is what? is one of your frivolous regrets i'm not talking about a serious one not talking about anything life-changing just something inconsequential that still haunts you

A fearless regret. Do you think of like purchases when you hear that or like an action? You know, I'm just now thinking about this for the first time in my life, Fortune. I don't know how or what I feel. This doesn't really feel that frivolous, but I guess I think of a regret that's really not that big of a deal, I guess. I had a... a lake which would make it frivolous right yeah i guess so i had a lake house in my hometown yeah and uh it was something i'd always wanted

Growing up, like we did not have a lot of money and anyone who lived on the lake, I just thought like, oh my God, they have made it. What a life they have. And I got an opportunity to buy a place on the lake. And in a lot of ways it made sense that I ended up selling it. But sometimes I regret that. And sometimes I wish I still had it.

especially now that my mom's going through what she's going through. I would actually really love to have a place in my hometown to be able to go back there more easily. Do you stay with your mother? No, she is in a little apartment. And so I just stay at the local, one of the local little like Hampton Inn or Best Western, you know, whatever those are. What room number? Maybe we could put something in there. Changes. But.

Which is fine, but it would just be so much easier now having a place. But it was a lot of upkeep, you know, not living there, any house on the water. requires more maintenance so i understood why uh we sold it but there are some regrets there at times but it's also like not a big deal it's like whatever We did it. It's done. But I think about that sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I can see that.

Okay, Stephanie and I adopted two cats in the pandemic. I wish I had snuck a third one in there. Because here's the thing, is we have... Three cats and then four people in our family. And we really want an orange kitty to round out the crew. And we're all, me and Max and Finn have all been asking for an orange kitty.

and stephanie's like oh she put her foot down yeah she put her paw down and she's like guys i really feel like we have enough kitties yeah oh i mean i guess if you're getting two sneaking a third one in there would have been the time yes yeah that was the time because i just torture myself when i um when i go by you know little adoption places uh i'm like don't look don't look don't you look don't really love those kitties

I do, but I love dogs too. I mean, listen, we also, we have our little dream dogs in our family that we all talk about. Stephanie wants a golden retriever. Finn wants a corgi. Max wants a long-haired wiener dog. And I would like an Australian sheepdog. Oh, okay. You just want a whole barn. We do. We do. All right. I could see that for you one of these days. Yeah, one of these days. So that's a frivolous regret that I didn't just throw another kitty in there. Yeah.

All right. I didn't know it was my last chance. Well, let's hear what Amy's answer is. It's going to be good. I know it. My frivolous regret is that when I was on maternity leave with my second child, the museum in town was hiring someone to be... in a realistic dinosaur costume to perform at these exhibitions at the museum. And I was the right height for it because you needed to be a specific size. And I really wanted to.

But I didn't go for it. And when I went and saw the show and saw that person in the dinosaur costume, I was so... jealous and it's all I wanted to do that's my frivolous regret can't wait to hear yours bye-bye that's a good one Yeah, very different from selling a lake house, though. I know, mine wasn't as frivolous. I just couldn't think of anything.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that you pack a lunch if you're going to be out running errands all day. Or stop at your favorite sandwich spot along the way and have a little time to yourself.

Check-in first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary. Subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. mine was more of a i guess bigger life regret but at the end of the day who cares did you ever learn how to break dance

No, but I really wanted to. Okay, there you go. Yeah, that is a regret for sure. Yeah. There are certain regrets like that. Like I never learned to skateboard. Now I'm too afraid. I am a responsible adult who doesn't want to break bones. Yeah. But it's when you're young when you got to learn to that kind of stuff when you have no fear. Absolutely. So yeah, breakdancing would have been a nice one.

Because I grew up on those breakdancing movies. You remember those in the 80s? I didn't watch them. I think the last movie I watched around that time was Urban Cowboy. And then I was out. Any hoodles. Mr. Thomas, what else you got for us?

Hi, handsomes. This is Ella and her one-year-old son, Levon, calling in. We live in North Carolina and love you so much. me laugh a lot. And I know one day you will make Levon laugh also. My question is, if you had to put a bumper sticker on your car, which bumper sticker would you put on and why?

Or if you already have a bumper sticker on your car, what does it say and why is it there? May, I know you don't drive, so this is hypothetical, but you get the picture. That's why we're leaving May out of this one because May does not drive and cannot answer this. Sorry because we're mad at May. We are so mad at May. I'm not a big bumper sticker on the car kind of gal. But so in...

Real life, I'm not going to put any bumper sticker on my car. But I did see one bumper sticker that someone had, and it has stuck with me for years. I guess if I had to put a sticker on my car, it would be this and it just said fart gas. Wait, what does that mean? I don't know. It just said fart gas. And you would put that on your car? fortune fortune marie look at me and tell me you would put that on your car because it makes no sense and it's funny that is the

Very last bumper sticker I would ever put on my car. And I even took a picture of the car and I still have it in my phone. That's how much it stuck with me. My friend, Megan, who is a handsome listener. Hello, Megan. Her father is in his 80s and he is he like. This guy lives life. He plays pickleball obsessively. Yeah. He's scuba diving, searching for treasure and like, yeah, ships that have, what is it?

Sunk. Sunk. Thank you. Oh, my God. Wow. What is it called? Sunk. That's right. Anyway, he is very. sensitive about getting older because he just, I mean, this guy does not stop. Last time I was at his house, Joe brings me up to his second story. wanting to show me all of his new cameras. You know, I mean, this is a guy that is not. packing up in life. You know what I mean? He has lighting packages. He's got cameras and movie cameras and iPods, tripods, whatever. Why am I talking about him?

I don't know. We were going from bumper stickers to him. Does he have a bumper sticker? Megan one time put a bumper sticker on the back of his car that said... Be patient, elderly driver. That's funny. So funny if you knew Joe. But anyway, it's funny that this question came up because not only did it get to give me a chance to talk about Joe, but just yesterday. Me, Stephanie, Max, and Finn were walking down the sidewalk and saw this car.

full of bumper stickers not just on the bumper but on the windows like the side windows And every bumper sticker said the F word in it. Oh. And so it was parked on the side of the street, parallel parked. And we were all laughing, just walking around the car, reading the difference. F word bumper stickers. And we were like, come here, look at this one. And then there's also, you know, given the finger and it was such a funny decision this person had made. They doubled down. Right.

I think I'd go with fart gas. No, you wouldn't. It was on an electric vehicle. That's why I think it said fart gas. I don't know. Oh, okay. I would go with probably something as basic as like the pretenders. Okay. You know? Yeah. Just keeping it simple. Yeah. Or I could see myself. I've seen this bumper sticker a million times. Who knew that I had so much to say about this? I know. I've seen this bumper sticker a million times.

And it's terribly dorky. But I think I would just go ahead and get it for myself and do it upside down like a lot of people do. A pineapple. No. What is it? You're a swinger now. I'm a swinger now? That's what an upside down pineapple is. Oh, I think I remember that. No, I'm not a swinger. I knew that. Oh, Pobuddy's Nerfect. Say it again? Pobuddy's Nerfect. I like that.

That's so dumb. Pobody's nerfing. Yeah. Or maybe I just film my car with just F. I don't even have a car. Stephanie has a car. I don't have a car. I think you guys should have the. The ones with the outline, like the stick figures of each of you. And for all of you, Max and Finn and the three kitties. And then throw an orange kitty on there. And then put you and put Pookie Bear over you. Dumpster tits over me. I want to see that on y'all's car. My mom had a, my mom loves stickers.

On a car. Oh, what does she have? But the problem is she puts them on like crooked and stuff. She's not very precise. Yeah, so then it just looks like wonky. She had on her old car an Obama sticker. And being in the South, she got a lot of dirty looks from people. Did she also yell out, my daughter's gay? She does. How you like me now? She did the dirtiest looks and she did not sweat at all. She's loud and proud of her being a Democrat. Man, I remember.

unrelated to politics or anything, if people upset my mother when she was driving, she gave them the bird. And I'd be like, stop. She would just be like, I was like, oh, God. It's mortified. Anyway, let us hear Ella's answer. If I had to put a bumper sticker on my car, speaking to three comedians, I want to be clever and...

But in all honesty, I would have a bumper sticker that said, I wish you well. Because could you imagine if we were in a world where we were all well, it would look really different from the world we're in now, I think. And, you know, we don't need any more road rage than already exists out there. So I wish you all well. And thanks for doing what you do. Keep up the good work. Nice. I'd like a positive message.

That could also be on an engraved license plate. Yeah, but I was also thinking if Ella gets rear-ended, she would not wish them well. Well, no, I would be if I rear ended Ella and I was slamming into a bumper sticker that said, I wish you well. I would not be very scared to go and say my apologies. I was looking for something under my seat, and I slammed into you. I thank you for wishing me well. It makes me think of Gwyneth Paltrow. She got sued by a guy on a ski mountain.

That is one of Stephanie's greatest obsessions in life. Oh my God, that trial was unbelievable. Stephanie followed that. Yeah, and they found the guy like, you know, he said he had all these ailments and they found all these pictures of him just like traveling and living in his life. best life so she sued him you know counter sued him for a dollar because he sued her for running into him yeah and uh she the biggest f you but like this with a smile on her face i wish you well

Everyone was like, Oh, cause she didn't. Cause she didn't. So yeah, I could have, it could be sincere. It could not be. Depends on the person reading it, their take of it. Yes, yes. I feel like anyone reading Gwyneth's face in that moment, probably. I didn't see it, but the way you're describing it.

It doesn't seem like she wants to move, but anyway. Yeah, it was more of a good try, buddy. Yeah. I wish you well. I wish you well. I'm going to take my dollar and waste of my time and get out of here.

Well, what a fun, pretty little episode. I like these questions. Yes, I love getting these. I can't wait to hear what they have to ask us because it's always... interesting and well thought out you know because not that our our guests don't have great questions but our listeners are really thinking about questions for a while because they listen to this show you know So and they know what's been asked and what hasn't. And so it's just it's really fun. Such a treat.

So Fortune, what do you have going on? I'm going to Iceland doing a show in Reykjavik here in a week. And then just starting back on my tour with like Boston and... Chicago and Salt Lake City and Atlanta, Norfolk, all those places. Well, I've got some shows, Fortune. Cool. Yeah, I'm going to be at the West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York on August 17th. Provincetown.

Town Hall in P-Town, Massachusetts, August 23rd. And then I'll be in Los Angeles working out some new material at Dynasty Typewriter September 21st. But I feel like... I don't know. Our work here is done. And until next time, keep it pretty handsome. And please follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. One, two...

Hello, I'm Joe Mercosarese. And I'm Russell Daniels. And we're the co-hosts of The Downside. Now on HeadGum. We are a safe place to complain, be negative, kvetch. We don't like toxic positivity. No. Because it's toxic. We're not going to sit there going, hey, look on the bright side. Enough on the bright side. That's all anyone's talking about these days, the fucking bright side. So tune in to some of your favorite comedians, some celebrities like Caleb Huron, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Alana Glazer.

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